In the past year, I rarely get negative, down, and frustrated. Sad to say, I had my first outburst this past week.

I was suffering from a very sore vocal cords after teaching for 2 hours. The hit was quick - in an instant, I had to whisper to a class full of monkeys and that did not work well. I decided to take the next day off to rest my throat.

I was utterly disappointed at myself. My voice is (kind of) the bread and butter of my profession. Losing it means losing everything. I can't get to work, I can't attend worship practice, I can't sing for my Sunday vocal class.. I was entirely handicapped. This disappointment translated into many pieces of tissues that night. My mind was struggling to understand why something like this should happen to me. I even entertained the thought of quitting and went to jobscentral.com to do a quick search.

For the next 2-3 days, I was only awake for 6 hours out of 24. I slept so much that I incurred a headache, pfft. As it was nearing the weekends, my social media flooded with the many activities my friends were enjoying. This made me spiral deeper into my disappointment as I recalled that I had not socialize much for the last 3 weekends. Where were all my friends? It was then clear that I do not have friends. I'm fine. Because retrospectively, I haven't been a good friend to people. I have been selfish, self-righteous, prideful.. etc. My currency of friendship is convenience. 

Right now I'm just going through this process of self-blame and reflection. Idk why but my life has become more miserable since I've started working. It shouldn't be like this!! I've waited 16 years for this moment and you're telling me that earning money doesn't feel good??? I feel satisfied about the work I've done, but I'm miserable because people in the office seems to care more about the people outside than inside. Which means, I dont even know who they really are. Everything's just so perfect. Or superficial...

quarter-life

I realized I'm getting old when I said I rather nua at home on a Friday night.

Seems to me that I can't be bothered with what others think of me anymore, and in that sense, it's very liberating. To be yourself and not to be too concerned with the outward expressions. But it's bad in a way because I'm too lazy to put in effort into new friendships unless I could really connect with that person (case in point: Mich).

And at this age, I also can't be bothered if people see me having lunch alone, and I bet I didn't feel the same way 3 years ago. It feels good to be at a place like this :)

So nope, no crisis yet, and I thank God for finally bringing me into a good place in life where I appreciate every moment learning, growing, and maturing with excitement. Thank God for realigning my focus and priorities on ministry work, giving me enough strength, ability, and joy to do what needs to be done. So God, I'm just waiting for you to bring me into the next phase of my life, and you know what it is!

Pop the champagne!

Someone finally asked me the question: So is it over for you?

YES IT IS FINALLY OVER FOR ME.

I'm over whatever I have experienced for 1.5 years. 18 months! Goodness gracious me. I took way more time than I had wished for.

It really feels extremely liberating for the baggage to be released. I noticed that I smile more often, dance around more often, and very content with whatever I have now. Of course, I would argue that the whole experience has changed me on a whole new different level, but the happy-go-lucky pris is back. And I'm absolutely excited as to how things will proceed from here.

God is good. He has brought me out of the monstrous, depressing, and seemingly unending misery of the wilderness. I am so much more ready to taste the milk and honey prepared for me!

Not-so-sweet 2016

I'm so glad 2016 is over.

To be honest, it was one of my hardest to date. People comment how fast the year has passed, but I didn't feel so.

The first few months of 2016 has been extremely bitter. Since I just came back from exchange, I had to re-adjust my lifestyle dramatically. Furthermore, it wasn't easy recovering from a relationship and develop new habits again, this time alone. It didn't help when I felt extremely bitter towards my church. I couldn't get into worship every week, and I hated that the fact that being in a Chinese church did not help with my spiritual growth. I was angry that my church did not provide me with what I needed when tough times came - which is the serious study of the word of God. Instead, I got this growth through external sources. I so so so wanted to leave and move somewhere else.

Next few months wasn't as easy as well. Just when I thought I was over everything, jadedness kicked in June/July. Nothing interests me. I pull on a glum face every day during my internship. I hated living life. Bitter. Oh, and I remember how lonely I felt during my second semester in 2016, even though I had some company around. Life was never the same as before.

Against this backdrop of jadedness, bitterness, mindless attitude, I still want to thank God for the things he has accomplished this year. I can safely say I am in a much better state now. God has brought me out from the jadedness and gave me a new heart, new spirit, and a new love for his word and his kingdom. I am very excited with what he can do in 2017.

Just want to share what made the change - In March as we had our youth camp, I realised how tightly knitted my community is. Rather impressive for a youth group from a pure Chinese church. God was showing me how much he loves his people, this community, and that I should too. Subsequently, I told God that I will stay, but he must help me love my ministry more. Give me some divine dissatisfaction so that I can make the changes I want to see. Give me courage to make the ministry a better one for my beloved friends. And he did! Slowly but surely, he did.

God is good. He is faithful. He answered the prayers I made at the start of 2016. It didn't seem like he would do it at that point in time, but he did ultimately. Thanks for healing me Lord, I want to praise you for all that you have done in 2016, for bringing me down but bringing me back up, way higher than I was before. I know you're true, I know you're good. Bring me to greater heights for your kingdom in 2017! I believe I can do so much more with you and for you.

TLDR: God is good and faithful. He delivers his promises. "Seek first His Kingdom and righteousness, and all these will be added to you."