Pris, remember this.

Acts 20:32

"Now I commit you to God and to the WORD of his grace, which can build you up and give you an inheritance among all those who are sanctified."

This was Gwilym's last blessing for you, for smu cf. Treasure, Tremble, Take & read, Trust, and Unleash the power. Never forget the things that can be accomplished by the precious Word. 

Because in your life, people will say otherwise. You might even think otherwise. Mainstream pop culture would be inviting. It would look easier to just 'go with the flow', 'follow the crowd.' Godly values will pale in comparison.

But no. Do not, never ever, prefer something else other than God. No matter how difficult it seems. And no, there isn't a compromise between your personality and being godly. God delights in your craziness, sassiness, and the fact that you like to move to any kind of music. Being a Christian doesn't mean being boring and serious. Let God shine through your personality.

So this means that besides reading the word, you need to be joyful. Weariness cannot contain you. Jadedness cannot stay. You gotta press on, keep moving. I believe you can.

Just like the rest

Last Monday, I was asked to attend an interview at the ministry for a music teaching position. In primary schools.

That wasn't my first choice. It wasn't my second either. I remember feeling very disappointed when they offered me the subject. I went like, "what, do I not deserve to teach secondary school students?"

Yet it sat with me for the next few days, and I became more comfortable with the idea. My plan was to get in, be trained, get out, then move on to greater things. To promote the arts and culture industry in Singapore. To preserve our heritage.

With that goal in mind, I hopped on my dad's ride on Monday. "Why don't you teach examinable subjects, like Math, or English? I don't think teaching non-examinable subjects are good for career progression", he said in Mandarin.

"You don't even know what I want to do in the future."

Silence. 1, 2, 3.

"I think the home and foreign affairs need people. They have lots of empty spaces. You see, the who (someone in his social circle) rose up to the top in only 5 years! I mean if you don't like garhment then you can go American company."

Silence.

American company. Corporate slavery. So he's just like the rest eh? Career progression. Do what's profitable and not what you like.

My heart, died, again. I didn't want to ruin my makeup with those tears. So I held back. It was such a painful, disappointing encounter.

I kept telling myself he's not to blame, that maybe, he just wanted a good life for me. Like all parents want for their children. But in the process, it diminishes their agency, it reduces them to a mindless, money-making machine (mmmm) that is just like the rest of the people. Okay I exaggerate, but I felt that it came off that way.

Maybe things change. Maybe in a year I'll be working at Tanjong Pagar, Marina South, Raffles Place. I'll be carrying my Kate bag and my Jimmy heels working a 9-7 job.

But maybe I'll be poor, with less than $5000 in my account. I'll be busking, I'll be performing. Maybe you'll see me working for the Singapore's Art Festival, the Film Festival. Maybe I'll be happy.

Who knows.

The meaning of life

In my first year of university, my professor gave us the option to write a personal essay, or to answer 10 questions based on the textbook. I, obviously chose the latter. I did not have the confidence, nor the capacity to answer his greatest question.

“What is the meaning of life?”

For the past few months, I found myself straddled along the corridors of school, sometimes trying to find study spaces, sometimes just… pondering about life. I’ve came to a point where I seriously question the meaning of my life. My P.C. answer to my own question would be “fulfilling God’s will”, but I think it’s much more than that. Mere bible answers do not satisfy me, especially what I’m facing right now is a mismatch of a perfect reality.

I have spent countless of times studying and having lunches at school canteens by myself. I’m perfectly fine with doing things alone, but the struggle is when I see people who aren’t alone. With friends, with boyfriends, with girlfriends. (Heck, even some people who eat alone looks less miserable than I do.)

And then I try to slot myself in a community which I can identify with. I participate, I be active, and then I realise, I.don’t.fit. It feels more like I’m on the outside when I became more on the inside. But when I'm in a group setting, I almost always want to curl up in my bed alone. I’m tired of making friends and opening up.

The idea of loneliness isn’t new to me, but it becomes very salient at this point in my life. I don’t need a large group of friends, I just need close ones. I don’t need grades to validate me, I just need to do my best. I don’t need 24/7 company, I just need some. It’s especially crippling because I’m at a point where I question my direction in life. Where am I gonna go after graduation? What am I gonna do? How am I gonna contribute to society? What is my purpose in life?

I’ve got more time to think about these uncertainties when I’m alone, which makes me especially afraid. Back in those days where I had company, eating alone was somehow an enjoyment. 

I still do not have any answer to the greatest question; an answer that can sustain me in my day-to-day living. I’m definitely aware of the whole big-picture thing, but I need more than that. All I can pray is for God to restore me, for God to give something new in my life, to open my eyes and let me focus on what’s eternal. To remember the works of the ultimate life-giver. If there was no meaning to this, then there’s no meaning to the cross.

But I learn new things.

1. friendship is transient
2. you fight your own battles
3. maybe I’m being prepared to do greater things in future which requires me to be alone most of the time

Lastly, if you’re my friend, please do not be offended by this piece of reflection, because I really do treasure you, and I appreciate your presence, your welcome, your effort to be inclusive. Like I said, I have to fight my own battles.

P.S. While this piece was on draft, I may have discovered that I build walls around people (?) unknowingly. Not sure how true this is. 

Microcephaly: To abort or not

With reference to the recent Zika virus, do you think it is ethical for infected pregnant mothers to abort their unborn fetus? Zika virus is said to cause microcephaly (small heads, abnormal brain growth) in babies.

I came across this question in my ethics class today. The prof subtly suggested that it was ethical to abort the baby because the child might grow up and say, 'I don't want to be born into this world'. The mother is depriving the right of the child to live normally, or something like that.

I felt really uncomfortable with that, partly because the mother did not give the child a right to live (in the first place). From a utilitarian perspective, abortion could possibly benefit the child and the family. The child does not have to physically or emotionally suffer from the disease, while the family is rid of the financial burden that they may incur. Win-win.

Abortion shouldn't be the only answer to this problem. I challenged his notion and suggested that if this abortion was correct, then mothers should not bring more children into the world if she cannot afford it. Assuming a scarcity of resources, a poor family would not be able to raise a child as well as a rich family. The child would be deprived of the right to development and possibly attention. Based on that argument, wouldn't it be wrong to give birth to a child where there is a high chance the economic status of the family will bring more harm than good? I could possibly tell my parents, "hey mum and dad, I don't want to be born into this world. I kinda suffered because we couldn't afford better living conditions. It was unethical for you to bring me into this world."

But my idea was shot. Prof said that there is a distinct difference between physical disability and social status, in my example. However, when I talk about being born into a poor family, I don't just mean social status. I mean the deprivation of so many opportunities that would otherwise be possible if a family has one less child. Or none at all.

Let me take it a step further. Consider a family of 6. Average income, enough to feed the 6 of them but not more. Mother gets pregnant, have the kid, but expenses would have to be split among the other siblings. Attention too. Next, consider a family of 3. Average income, enough to have 2-3 children. Mother gets pregnant, but the child was tested to have no legs. Have the kid, and although it may be tough for his caretakers, they manage financially and mentally.

Based on these 2 examples, I say it would be more ethical to abort the 'normal' child, just because of his family's ability to provide that level of care. The disabled child may face more challenges in terms of adapting to the society, but that doesn't negate the fact that the impoverished child won't as well.

So in my opinion, I just think it's unethical to justify the example my prof gave, which is to decide outright that a child born with physical defects is worse off than an impoverished child, demanding such a drastic measure as abortion.

I just had to rant this out, because I felt I was being misunderstood in class. Oh well, ethics is a never-ending debate that renders no conclusion.

P.S. My classmates were saying that it's really easy to spot Christians in an ethics class. Those who turned their heads at the mention of abortion, drugs, pre-marital sex or what not, are definitely one of us.

Is this love

My heart skips when I hear your name.

My mind runs wild.

I die a little inside when I see you around.

I have no control over the way I feel.

So don't come near me.

Avoid the places I'll be.

'Cos I wonder if I'm ever able to revive my heart

when it has died every time you ran across my head.

Pretty awesome mate!

No prizes for guessing where I went from the title above. Australia!

I was so blessed to be able to make this trip 2 weeks before the start of my graduating year in university. I planned for this trip since god-knows-when, all to visit my best friend who's studying in Melbourne. I invited my brother along, who is about to enlist in 2 months time. Partly also because he's never been out of SEA.

If I were in secondary school, I would probably blog about what I ate, what I did, where we went; every single detail. But I'm not. This trip is blog-worthy because of the things that could have gone wrong but didn't. And I'm extremely thankful. This may not be the trip of my life, but it has certainly shed some perspective that I cannot take grace for granted.

Things that could go wrong/that went wrong.

1. Domestic transfer
To save $100, I booked at multi-city flight from Singapore-Perth, then Perth-Melbourne on Emirates. Connection time is about 2 hours, but little did I know that we were to clear customs, collect our baggage, before we could check in for our second flight. Google shows that the transfer bus from the international to domestic terminal departs every half hour. Shag. Throughout the journey I was so frickin nervous about missing our connecting flight, and even got Szemin to pray.

You know how it turned out - well. No queue at the customs (probably due to winter), our baggage was one of the firsts to come out, smooth transfer with time to spare. Thank God.

Oh, did I mention. I didn't know we had to apply for visas. So I panicked when we were checking in at Changi airport.

2. Airbnb
The location of our airbnb was great, just a traffic light away from Queen Vic market. We reached earlier than the stated check in time, so we got the host to place his keys outside. We spent 30 mins trying to locate the keys in some god-forsaken meter cupboard, but gave up and went for lunch. We still managed to check in but we were met with a first-world problem: WIFI ISN'T WORKING. He said his wifi spoiled, and offered his hotspot. Whut. I won't use it. This whole wifi thing seriously inconvenienced us in our planning man. No go.

3. Grampians hike
I am the only one who has a license, and I wasn't prepared to do 4 hour drives and still be able to hike. Szemin researched and found out it was possible to take public transport from the city, but it would take 5-6 hours. But the problem with public transport is, you don't get a say when to leave. Initially, the website states that the earliest train back was at 2pm. But Sze min wanted to attend a Greek bible class on the very same day at 2pm! So after some searching and googling, we managed to find a route that takes us back early in the morning. Butttt, the ticketing counter couldn't issue us the tickets because the first bus is owned by a private contractor. In the end, I just took the leap of faith and trust that we could buy tickets while we're there. and we did!

4. Airbnb room
Our second bnb was very clean, and we even had our private bathroom. Wifi signal is strong, so no complaints. The host handed me two keys and I was ready to get out. Being Asians, I wanted to make sure my belongings are safely secured in the room, so I inserted my keys and turned the lock. It worked. I proceeded to lock the door from inside. BUT MY KEY DIDN'T UNLOCK THE LOCK. So crap. We were locked out of our own room. The host wasn't at home, so we sent a message and asked them for the spare keys, and then headed out. Hours later, she sent a message saying that she didn't have spare keys. At that moment I felt like I could cry. In an attempt to feel better, I told myself - 'if it's a problem that money can solve, then it's not a problem at all'. At most, I'll pay for the locksmith myself. While I tried to let it rest, the matter kept coming back to my mind. But thank God, the host settled it before dinner, paid for the locksmith, and I had a smashing time at this indie gig in Brunswick. Thank God.

5. Going home
Being poor meant that I took the public transport to the airport. I thoroughly checked the schedule the night before, made sure we could reach on time while still having time to bid my last goodbye to my bff. The train was on time, but the problem was the BUS. I seriously panicked when it didn't come after 10 mins. There was a 'next bus' signboard, but the numbers kept jumping upwards; not a good sign. It was an excruciating half hour before we hoped on, and then I could have my last Melbourne sushi in peace. I didn't miss my check in time.

Aaaaand that's it! There were many more mini epiphanies along the trip, but I'll leave them for myself to enjoy. These 5 'go-wrong' moments gave the trip more meaning, and also something to laugh at. Thinking back, this is the first time I spent 10 consecutive days with my bff. But I thoroughly enjoyed every moment of it, enjoyed everything we did.


No pictures because I'm a lazy person!

My last summer

For the past 3 months, I had the privilege to intern at a consulting firm.

Today's my first day without work, and looking back, I thought it was a pretty good experience. There were definitely times when I groaned and whined in the morning, but it doesn't discount some of the good times I had. In fact, I thought the whole internship could be so much better if I didn't let my personal feelings affect my emotions at work.

As a HR intern, I was responsible for mostly HR projects, although I did a fair bit of other work including cold calling. On my first day, I was thrown into cold calling without ANY training, and my first call ended up to be a Mandarin speaking uncle. Fumbled so much because I didn't manage to go through the Chinese script prior to the call. Thankfully, my Chinese was quite zai la, so it turned out successful! lol.

I spent a bulk of my time on this task called 'Functional Competencies', where I had to download all of Workforce Development Agency's (WDA) competencies standard, copy the information one by one to an Excel sheet, and then compiling it into a Word guidebook. I swear it is the most tortuous and boring thing I had to do. Someone said, 'this kind of copy and pasting can do until you drool one'. I think he meant that one could stone and still continue the task. Agreed.

Nonetheless, I had the opportunity to meet clients and attended two focus group discussions. Even though I was just there to type away (for four hours nonstop!), I could totally relate what I learnt in school with reality! Facilitating a discussion is never an easy job, so it was interesting to see how the directors go about doing it. Very, very fulfilling.

That being said, I think the most important factor in deciding a fun and a not-so-fun internship is the company. Not the organisation, but the friend-company. There were about 14 interns in a 30-50 sized firm. Imagine the dynamics here. Due to space limitation, it was difficult for 14 of us to share a small workspace with the full timers. Hence, we demarcated a separate training room as our boundary. We played ping-poing, contract bridge, and even threw stress balls around. I'm guilty of the first 2. Haha. But of course, our ethic is that we work hard and we play hard. All these wouldn't be possible if we didn't finish our work. I think these spurts of fun and entertainment really bonded us as a group.

Moving forward, this internship helped me chart my career options. I still don't know what I want, but I definitely know what I don't want. Consulting isn't something for me, because I prioritise work-life balance a lot. By a lot, I mean ALOTTTTTT. It's something I discovered only this summer. I don't want to bring home work. I don't want to be sending work-related emails at 3am. Many have told me this isn't possible even outside of the consulting industry. True, but for consulting, it's worse. At least I could try my luck outside. Everyone has different priorities. It happens to be this for me. For now, I'm just gonna look forward to my last year of school, and hopefully one more internship!

Photo time!
For memories sake

It was Jena's last day and we moved the couch so we could take this picture. 

Lunch time coma. But this guy is really the king!

Our first dinner out at Stickies! Had about 5 towers and a second round. Fun times.

Our pingpong balls deflated one afternoon, and everyone panicked. Someone found this at the CCA hall and just kope-d it.

Our last day. ORD-LOH

One year on

If it's possible to love someone forever, then it's also impossible to stop loving.

#sometimesinlife

No fear drink beer

I find today extremely endearing. Besides the really fun arts event I had in church, I really didn't regret hanging out late with club jade(d) doing poor man's stuff - buying discounted beer at 7 Eleven and sitting by Timbre to reap its positive externality - the live band. This cheap thrill seriously brought some perspective to my life again - the things that I pursue so much in life are simply distractions that  makes my stay on earth more bearable. Because I know what I should really look forward to.

I honestly have the Indian dude at 7 Eleven to thank tonight.

10000 reasons

I have to document this down!

Today marks the first time I led worship alone for the main service. I wasn't intimidated, but I wasn't particularly excited as well. But I knew it was something I had to do eventually.

Corporate listening last Sunday have left us with a simple message - be joyful. Some of us, including myself, have found it hard to be spiritually lifted up for quite some time. But it shouldn't be this way! The thief comes to steal and destroy, but God has come to give life, and this includes joy. Nothing can snatch this away. One of us made a good point: instead of finding many reasons to thank God, we just need ONE thanksgiving to thank God 10,000 times. Which is true! I often forget that.

Amazingly, I was soooooo positive throughout the day of worship practice. I haven't felt so happy about myself for a very long time. I didn't feel jaded; I felt refreshed instead. And that's when I knew that the message for the worship is a one of joy. God is capable of giving joy as much as we feel it is impossible to be lifted up.

Today's worship went really well, and I offer my praise to God. He really did it. The congregation responded. They were spiritually lifted, just as much as Jesus was lifted. Great start to the week!

My road trip love

Some people have commented that I’m too strict when it comes to love.

Let me give you an analogy.

Given that you have a limited amount of money, you would want to purchase the best car possible. Let’s say you love BMW. You trust BMW. You know that it’s reliable, and it’s gonna bring you to places safely. You have high standards. You know the price you pay is going to have huge returns. You save up and buy the BMW.

Ok let’s say you’re willing to settle for something else. Maybe to you, the function it performs matter more. It brings you from point A to B, and you just want a no frills experience. Then perhaps Toyota would be a good choice. But you get what you pay. Perhaps in a freak accident, the Toyota protects you less than a BMW can. Your standards determine your choice.

This isn’t the perfect analogy because in the imperfect world, not everyone can and will be able to afford a luxury car in their lifetime. Although the case might be so, my point here is that I believe my high standards will gather good returns. I don’t want to compromise on getting a sub-standard car just because I want to drive.

What’s more – Marriage isn’t a car. It’s not gonna be a smooth ride. 

A friend once told me, 'you don't just forget someone, that person just become less important to you'.

And she's damn right.

Mere Christianity

What is a virtue?

It is a right action done for the right reason.

A right action done for the wrong reason does not build the internal quality or character of a person.

Suppose a bad tennis player hits very hard because he lost his temper, not because a hard stroke is required.
It might help him win that game, but it might not help him become a reliable player.

What am I doing rightly?

you know what. I take things too seriously. Gotta take it lightly in life.

Well, since the worth of knowing Christ surpasses everything, I guess I can suffer the loss of all things and count them as nothing. So chill man.

What is maturity?

Maturity is when you cringe upon hearing your 15-year old singing voice. But you wish you could have that back because it reverbs with so much innocence.

Maturity is when your singing voice rings with experience, pain, tears, and maybe joy.

Immaturity is... believing no one can help you except yourself.

What am I?

Small changes

I have just realised that Canada changed me in small little ways I couldn't have imagined.

Be it habitual, spiritual or just general outlook in life, I guess it has turned for the better.

I find myself having a greater thirst for knowledge. I am increasingly satisfied by the inflow of knowledge. Lessons become less of a chore but more of an opportunity. Projects however, remain a burden.

I find myself taking things in stride. Go with the flow. I am less 'kan chiong' about projects, meetings, or school work. My theory is that quality will not increase with extra quantity. There will be some point in time where quality plateaus even after extra quantity (time). It's like economics - diminishing marginal returns. So why spend extra time improving nothing, when it could be more well spent! (Okay la but in the end I have more idle time and I'm constantly finding things to do)

I find myself adapting to new habits. Discipline is the word. A great example would be removing my contact lenses before I shower. Previously I really didn't care, even though it's detrimental. So I change! It was pretty difficult at first but discipline really matters. These small little changes extends to greater long-term impact.

I find myself eating healthy. I should probably get awarded by HPB please! So instead of dapaoing oily caifan, I pack my lunch to school at least twice a week. That's impressive okay! Cooking your own food means less salt and oil, though for the live-to-eat people you'll probably grumble at this. But think of all the weight you can lose. NOW is probably the peak of my slimming career. Being healthy (and slim!) really feels good. Don't get me wrong, I believe one should eat healthy despite having slimming goals. I'm still working on that as I try to regain my appetite.

I find myself... a different person. I can't pinpoint exactly what has changed about me, but I do feel different. Perhaps to some I've become a slacker person, someone you wouldn't want to group with (LOL). But perhaps I've become less rigid in my thoughts, or in the way I do things.

So, thanks Canada. You've transformed the way I live my life. YOLO

Ugly skinny

Besides taking my heart away, Canada took my appetite as well.

I have been eating less and less since I'm back here in Singapore. It might probably be the stress and depression.

I did not have my favourite Bak Chor Mee since I'm back. I don't even crave for it. Food looks unappealing to me. There is no desire to eat, and I hate the feeling of feeling bloated.

Perhaps I am used to food over there, which is basically my plain, bland cooking. Which is true! I would rather cook my own lunch than dapao oily caifan to class. Which reminds me, I have not visited Food Republic across the street.

My calorie scale is output > input right now. I visited the gym yesterday and ran 4km. Did some core and squats. My fat-burning meter is very high, but the energy I take is very minimal. My friend says I have to stop running, else I become ugly skinny. Either that, I have to eat more! This is the first time someone tells me to stop slimming down (ok la, got shiok a bit). But it's true, my face really slimmed down since USA.

I know I gotta eat more but it's really hard (omg I can't believe I'm saying this)! Most of my pants have become really loose and looks unfitting on me, though I look awesome in dresses, hehe. Skinny feels good, but retching at the sight of food sometimes sucks. Fingers crossed that this is just temporal.

blues

After so long I'm still back at square one.

Every week it's an attack on my heart. I thought I got it done and over with but every damn thing just points me back to my memories. Familiar walkways, places, things. Gosh.

Only you yourself will understand your pain. No one else can. Especially at this age where experiences differ between individuals. Adolescent problems usually include friendship or parent-child relationship. Somehow these are common things that people go through. No one can understand what I'm going through now because it just isn't simple. And also, you are expected to be able to deal with it on your own. Everyone got their own issues to settle, much less settle yours.

The worse part is not being able to show what I'm feeling deep down inside. Smiling and laughing is my best defence. I am tricking myself into thinking that everything is fine. I am happy. No one likes to be around someone who's gloomy, so I try my best to be joyful around my friends. Honestly, being around friends helps with my sorrow but I slump back deeper once I'm alone.

I am impatient. I want things to be ok once sunrise. It doesn't help when God places me in a situation where I have to face my pain every.single.week. I kept questioning God about that. Maybe he knows I'm avoiding it this whole time. Maybe this way I'll be in a better condition once over. Whatever the reason, I constantly replay God's promises in my head just to get by a little. There may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning. You make all things work together for our good. I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me.

A baby step is still a step. One day I'll get to the end of the tunnel, although with pain and tears. But I will get there.

Priscilla.


P.S. Feeling the same pain exactly 2 years ago. Has it been that long?