Recess

This is the first time I stayed at home for the whole day since sem started! *Throws confetti!

I have work to do, but sometimes it's good to have a 'heck it' attitude. Humans need rest.

So I'm just glad that I spent today reading books, dancing, sleeping, watching movies. Recess should be like this; work hard, play hard. I might have this underlying feeling that I'm gonna lose out, but this means I don't trust God enough. I'm sure He delights in my rest (:

GOOD TIMES 55555

(I'm always looking through old photos when I'm in a good mood)

Oh God why is this so hard

It's the end of another crazy week. Things turned out the way I never expect to be, but perhaps this is just God's timing.

I guess I'm at the point in my life where I'm facing a lot of tests, trials, temptations and I'm constantly fighting so that the world does not win. It's really hard. Sze min gave me a quote from a book, "The love life of Christian is a crucial battleground. There, if nowhere else, it will be determined as to who is Lord: the world, the self and the devil." I agree.

Emotions are what make us human. Sometimes I ask God why does my feelings sway me so much. My mind is rational, but my feelings aren't. My friends often question me the reason behind having a "list" (Eg, must be christian) of what my boyfriend should have, instead of just letting emotions take over. Quote "这种东西是要靠感觉的，你不可以有一个 list 来决定他是不是你要的人。" Well it's true, but I guess to answer this would be people who loves Jesus really attracts me. It's not just about "being a christian" but the fact that someone who loves God will encompass certain values that attracts me.

So this week has been quite a 'battleground' and my mind has to keep fighting with my emotions. I really wanted to give in, but I knew I had to persevere. It was hard, very hard. I knew what God wanted for me, which is not to even think of anything with regards to relationship, because it is simply not in His time. It's very easy for me to be worried if I would even find a boyfriend when I look at the people around me, so this is just simply a 'trust' test. Trust that God will bless me, provided if I do what I am supposed to now, which is to pursue God in my youth. Even if he doesn't choose to 'bless' me, I'll simply pray that God will prepare my heart and my life to be single! So now I'll just occupy my mind with more eternal matters.

I don't know how long I'll take to recover from the recent emotional turmoil I've experienced, but I hope it'll be soon. It's not that bad when I'm in a group of people and I try to take things off my mind by being more cheerful but it haunts me when I'm alone, and I get really sad. I don't want to live like my mind and heart is in a state of incongruity; it's tiring. I hope things can get back to normal soon because I missed those times. Well, all in God's timing.

It's too hard

求你給我一顆謙卑的心

給我一個受教的靈

好讓我能走在你的旨意裡

如同耶穌的生命



幫助我更多的禱告

幫助我更深的倚靠

單單相信你

深深敬畏你

一生要跟隨你

I'm glad my Tuesday nights are free and Wednesday is my free day. I'll continue to do that!

Going for Sunday service is definitely not enough. No wonder Christians in Korea go to church every day. If I could, I would.

I went into some sort of slump recently, probably due to the influx of school work and CCA. It was really tiring and I didn't have any chance to lead worship, and I sometimes attend youth service late. I spent a lot of time with friends from school and it's kept secular which limits the chance of talking about God. (I always believe to stay on God's track you have to constantly renew yourself with His word). I just got about doing my own things and obsessed with completing them and it felt like a rat race. I totally forgot about God's purpose for me.

But I thank God. I thank God for reminders and warnings. I thank God for friends who encouraged me even though I don't treat them as well as they do. I thank God for Christian friends in school whom I could readily share about my struggles and knowing they'll support me in prayer.

The song I posted right at the front was the song that spoke to me during prayer meeting tonight. I felt sooooooooo sad and frustrated at how hard it was to follow God. It's so easy to follow the world and succumb to temptations. It's sooooooooo hard to stay close to God. I really, really want to stay close. I couldn't hold back my sorrow and started to cry real bad. I can't do this alone man, I really need God's help so that I may honor God, and give God the glory. I just find it so damn hard to sustain the spiritual intimacy with God. :(

I hope the song will be a prayer of my life, and for the next week at least. Well, I'm just glad God pulled me back in again and it's amazing how transformation can take place within days! God is real.

P.S. I'm so happy that my testimony blessed someone! It's really amazing how God has His own time in revealing stuff in each of our lives (: I hope that friend will become a godly woman and make decisions in honor of God!