Romans 3

I have encountered questions such as, if Christians claim that God's glory is magnified in their weaknesses/sins, does this mean that "Let us do evil that good may result?" (Roman 3:8). Legit question. Paul answers this with Romans 3:9, with the law that points to the fact that all have sin. It does sound penalizing and gory - "Their throats are open graves", "The poison of vipers is on their lips", but it is one that reflects the standards of God, so that "every mouth may be silenced and that the whole world be held accountable to God" (Romans 3:19). Paul ends off with the real reason behind doing good instead of evil - "through the law we become conscious of sin".

The written law definitely sounds uncompromising, yet we have to have to understand the nature of God. His punishment does not nullify His love, not at all. Instead, these laws will serve as a reminder to our own inadequacies, remind us of our sins each and day and how much we need His grace.

Cracks

Pride is poison. Each day I reflect about my words, thoughts, and actions in the bathroom. And each day I feel dejected. I'm shocked at what has become of me. I have become so critical, sarcastic, hypocritical, unaccepting, and condescending. I became the person I hated. I don't know since when I became so pessimistic, and it affects how I look at others as well. My perceived perfection of myself dismisses whatever good present in others. I am totally disgusted at my thoughts. So everyday when I come out of the shower, I feel bloody annoyed at myself for entertaining the thoughts that are self-serving and doesn't honour God. I remind myself that I am a sinner in need of God's grace, but that does not seem to make me any better. I need humility in my life.

Little Black Dress

Just attended my second Sara Bareilles concert. The last one was a little more than 3 years ago.

In my opinion, Sara Bareilles is under-rated. That's because she doesn't have style that most singers have, like the vibrato. Her sound is clean and sharp, and may sound "simplistic" for most people to enjoy. But in fact, you realise that it's damn hard to sound exactly like her (you can try it and record now if you wish). Her vocal techniques - including the usage of mix and chest voice to evoke certain emotions is certainly impressive. Well yeah I would categorise her as pull-chest, but that style really works for her. Recording studios often make good singers sound mediocre while bad singers sound better (think autotune). Live is always the best representation. I had a taste of her soulful singing, and what stands out was her sharing about the song's history (She wrote all of her songs how awesome can it get...) through today's concert. Even something mainstream like "Brave" sounded so inspiring. I hope she continues to produce such good music!

P.S. my favourite songs from the set are Manhattan, Come Round Soon, Chandelier (WOW), Chasing the Sun, Gravity.

Week summerending

主我願讓你來擁有我的心
不再用力堅持倚靠自己
願你每句話語 都成為我命定
改變我生命一步一步與你更靠近（走進你心意）

I must say, this week was really challenging and stressful. Challenging - worship leading at a conference. Stressful - Voix concert is in 2 weeks and things are not moving fast enough. Challenging and stressful - I'm leaving for Korea in a week's time.

I've led worship for 3 times in the month of July already. First, it was youth Sunday. Then GoForth, and today, Sunday service. All with the same people - Sam and Minmin. It's sort of a 'comeback' for me since I took a 5 month hiatus due to Voix commitments. I would say it was initially a dread but I guess God satisfies in ways I do not understand. Well, GoForth was a really good experience, especially leading in a church and with a congregation we are not familiar with. The thing is, the people who attended the conference are people from traditional churches, and they can't seem to get used to our rah-rah worship set. It was so awkwardddd.. But we remain optimistic, and gave it our all to the Lord. The lack of physical expression does not determine the level of 渴慕 for God.

So for the last 2 weeks I gave much thought to my calling as a worship leader. Honestly, I’m still searching if this is what God has called me to. There are times when it’s hard, but there were sweet moments too – when you see everyone so into worshipping Him. But, as this is my third year of leading officially, I wondered what has changed. Have I improved? Did I find more about what it means to be a WSL? Is this for me? I don’t have answers to all. But these are my thoughts:

1.     Technically, I improved. I can link songs, do transitions well and plan nicely.

2.     I can pray in Chinese. Vaguely, but much better.

3.     I’m still nervous, but less

But I ask myself, so? These matter, but do they matter that much? I realised for the past few services, the worship went as planned and there was no “errrr”s or “ahhh”s, or no-one-can-save-you-except-yourself pauses. It was safe, that’s it. Sadly, this shouldn’t be the case. Of course, I can argue that with these pre-requisites, I am then able to take flight wherever the Spirit is willing to take me. Granted, I am afraid I am aiming to complete the set instead of really giving Him the glory.

Thankfully, service was good today. I only had 4 hours of sleep yesterday night and couldn’t drag myself out of bed this morning. Went for pre-service practice and my voice can barely hit the note. I felt like dying. I didn’t even prepare my “script” (I usually do, just in case) and I knew I had to rely on God. And God was merciful. Even before I stepped onto the pulpit, I could feel God’s presence within the team, and I just kept asking God to use me, for I am a vessel ready to glorify Him. And during the worship, I know God was with me and He was the one who helped me to proclaim the phrases and made a long prayer, all in Mandarin. Couldn’t have done that without God yeah. Thank God, because He is so good.

I had a good day, and I pray that God will grant me the strength that I need for this week, especially with concert preparation. I’m tired, frustrated and sian but I have to trust that these feelings will go away!!!

Do You Acappella

I do, but I'm not going to.

I am going to Korea to attend a conference, and I am unable to perform for my club's concert. The worse part: I still have to come for every practice and prepare for the concert I'm not singing.

Well that was what I thought initially, that it was a lose-lose situation for me. I was really upset and sian I couldn't get to perform, but yet have to invest my summer because of responsibilities as an exco member. Thankfully, this feeling only lasted briefly. I can't imagine sulking and doing something unwillingly for a few months, because it's hard for me to do something I don't like.

It's 4 weeks left to concert, and we are not even half ready. So many things to be done, such as execution of stage performance other than singing itself. Props, script, and all the little details have yet to be discussed. It's quite sad to think that I wouldn't be able to even watch the show I've prepared for :( but I guess I'm still pretty excited about the end product!

And honestly, I have to thank God that the preparation process didn't seem like a chore to me; at least it was different from what I had expected. It's actually an enriching experience to be planning for this student-led event. It kinda allowed me to see the potential I have as a student, and I tell myself that I can actually achieve great things. My summer is definitely not wasted, as I believe that in this hectic period of juggling with church, relationships and CCA, I learn to treasure and appreciate the little rest I have, the little time I spend with my loved ones, and the little things that would make me smile.


Alright thoughts are fuzzy, time to sleep!
To a good day ahead!

Merry-go-round

It's a love-hate relationship. A kid craves for that initial adrenaline rush, but soon regrets as he gets dizzy. He dives for the cold, hard floor, looking at the sky spinning and wonders if this is how it feels like to die. But when he recovers, he hops on again. The cycle repeats.

How I wish someone would take that kid away from the playground and never come back again.

Po-li-toh

The word means "Go home", one that is overused over in Lo-ong. When the kids got annoying, Jason would scream "GO HOME, GO HOME", and all of us would follow suit for the fun of it.

Now that I'm home, I'm starting to miss the village life I've experienced for that 2 weeks. I woke up this morning feeling empty, and the bread that I ate made me miss the ones in Concepcion. The entire journey has been memorable and even though I struggle to remember certain bits of it, there will be things I will never forget.

I can still hear Angelo's laughter ringing in my head after so long. Though shy when we were nice to him, the mischief of a 12 year old boy is inherently present in Angelo. He would often shout and point "ahahahaah, Lou-ai (Loser), ahahahahaha" at us and continue to giggle while walking away. I remember the first time I met Angelo, we were carrying shattered glass together from point A to B. He was so small yet so enthusiastic in helping his village clear up the mess of the typhoon. It was from then I took notice of him. Furthermore, he was very, very cute while playing with his friends. He would exclaim "Oh maaaaaaan" in the cutest possible way, and shout "This is a three-point" with unclear pronunciation, which makes it even more adorable. I would also remember his shyness and unwillingness to accept my help to rub his injured back with medicated oil. He was in so much pain but just refused to receive any help. Thankfully, he gave in and after a few rubs, he was back to being the mischievous Angelo again.

I can still remember the feeling of gazing into a sky full of stars at night. I was very amazed at its beauty and surprised at my amazement. I never thought I would enjoy star gazing so much. Some of the guys started to identify constellations which intrigued me and I wished I knew some of them. When a shooting star appeared, all of us would scream in unison for a few seconds, making those who missed it jealous. So, some of us faked a scream when in fact, there was no shooting star. Haha. There was once when a blackout happened, and dancing practice couldn't continue without electricity. Someone said "Quick guys don't waste time, go look at the stars!" Wow, efficient allocation of time. We did and it's as amazing as always. One of the most memorable star gazing experience was at the top of a mountain. It was supposed to be an overnight stay but I guess many people cared more about comfort. But well, the view was spectacular. We lay the groundsheet and all of us would lie on our backs, with some snoring away. I'm glad I chose to sleep over at the mountains, and it was one of the best sleep I had over in Concepcion. It was breezy and I managed to catch the sunrise. Too beautiful. Thank you Lord.

I can still remember the kids calling my name whenever I walked past them. They would go "Priscillaaaaaa", wave wave, smile smile, and then look at me as I walked pass them. Honestly, I don't even recognise some of them, and it doesn't help that I'm bad with names. There were many kids whom I've asked for their names, but the retention rate would be 20%? I only remember those that I like a little more, or the more popular ones. I won't deny that I practice favouritism, haha. My favourite girl is called Clear Marie, which I thought was Clare Marie for that whole 2 weeks.. I guess it's their english pronunciation that caused the mistake. I'm not sure why I would hang out with her most though. Perhaps one of the reason at first is that she spoke better english than the rest of the bunch, and it was easy to understand her. One day, while walking at the beach, she turned to me and said "You will not remember me". I was taken aback and replied "No I wouldn't. I would take many pictures of you and look at them over in Singapore." It's true, I did, but I can't help feeling sad about what she said.. It may be true that after a few months, she wouldn't be on my mind as much, while I'll be on her mind more than I think. She went on to tell me that her mother is blind, which shocked me even further, making me want to love her even more. From that day on, I would hold her hand everytime I come back from construction, and just silently sit beside her while we watch other kids running around. I guess it was enough for her, like how it was enough for me.

I remember the conversation that changed my perspective. I asked for the name of a boy, who would later be one of my favourite older kid. His name is Carl. Instinctively, I replied "oh, Carl like Carl's Jr?", forgetting that they don't have the chain over here. They looked at me awkwardly and I tried to salvage the situation by explaining that Carl's Jr is fast food, like McDonald's. To my horror, they have never heard of macs. I was stunned but felt really sad immediately. I mean, macs is such an international brand and the representation of world culture, yet these kids do not get to enjoy the "luxury" of McSpicy and McNuggets. It made me think of the opportunities the children have. They would either become fishermen or construction workers, with the smarter ones obtaining jobs at the government unit or becoming teachers.

The trip contained many ups and downs for me, but on a whole, I say that I enjoyed it. It may be back-breaking or jaw-dropping, I had fun experiencing the sweet and the bitterness of whatever we did. I'm not a good writer, so I can't articulate all the feelings I have inside of me right now, but I'm happy to be able to carry with me this unique experience that not many will have. It might not be life-changing, but it's still changed how I think about my life and what I want to do with it (:


Picture time!

Kids of GK Village. Despite being the poorer ones, they contain a village spirit that can no longer be found in Singapore. Angelo is the one wearing blue, "Magic 12"

Clear Marie, my favourite girl. She's 11. This picture was taken right after she won a clip file as a prize. I was happy for her and I demonstrated how she could use to store her papers under the clip when she turned and said "I don't have paper at home to clip". My heart cried a little and I went to find a stack of paper from our logs and gave it to her. She was happy.

We brought the children to the beach behind their houses. It certainly wasn't their first time there but it was the first with us. Clear and Stephanie (another favourite girl) was holding my hand all along and offered their slippers to me (because mine broke) so that my feet won't be scratched by the sea rocks. The visit to the beach was after a very, very SHAG day digging waist-level trenches at GK Village. 

A group shot during the first weekend of our trip. Island hopping is one of the most awesome experience because the water and the sky was so clear that you wouldn't think it's real. It was when I was judged for picking up 2 kg of seashells.

Forming a relay to transport buckets of cement. Seizing the moment to practice for our modelling career.

Leaving the best for the last - the sky that I see every night. It's too beautiful and I often wished for my best friend to be there.

Jamie

Recently, I am hooked on Nicholas Sparks' novels. The funny thing is, I used to 'despise' romance, because they usually paint a very unattainable image of love, something so blissful but yet unreal, at least to me. They always have happy endings and it didn't seem like it would happen in reality.

I guess age made the difference. I start to appreciate the little acts of love between the protagonists. Well, I may not have read widely enough to judge romance novels, but Sparks really surprised me. He has a way of pricking that simple, innocent love that I have deep in my heart. I learnt a lot about what it meant to love especially after reading A Walk to Remember. This is one fiction that made me shed bucket-loads of tears. Spoilers ahead; you have been warned.

Jamie Sullivan. My new role model. She is simple, leads a simple life, and is easily contented. At first glance, she might seem unrealistic, especially in the 21st century. But I choose to believe that Jamies exist somewhere in the world. She is not perfect; she had her doubts and was sometimes afraid. But it was her innocence that made her beautiful. Don't get me wrong, this innocence has nothing to do with ignorance. This innocence is simply accepting what God's plan is, trying to do her best on what is right, and believing that everyone has a little kindness in them. I want to be like her too.

Jamie showed me what it means to love one another. Devout Christians are usually labelled as hypocrites as they tend to be devout on the surface while judging others for not obeying God's commands. It's like the Pharisees you know, and I'm sometimes guilty of that. But Jamie, on the other hand, show no signs of judgmental behavior. (Okay, you can say that since the novel was written in 3rd person, I would never know what Jamie really felt.) She did not try to educate Landon about Bible teachings, never forced Landon to know this and that about God, but her character, actions and behavior revealed what it means to love others with God's heart. One of the part that touched me was Landon's realization of Jamie's forgiving love. Towards the end of Jamie's journey, her friends came to apologize for their rowdy and insensitive behavior, and instead of resenting them, Jamie held them in her embrace, described in the book as "a gesture of forgiveness". I think one of the part that really moved me is the witness of Landon's transition as a boy, to a mature, loving man. Jamie's simple love for everything under God's creation transformed him, and he was able to forgive and love the things he used to hate i.e. his dad.

The novel has several quotes from the Bible, and I enjoyed them. One of which is from Corinthians, something that I have been trying to learn and understand.

Love is patient, love is kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people's sins, but delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes.

Jamie, despite being fictional, gave me a glimpse of how it is like to love with God's heart. The fact that she was the Reverend's daughter made it even more inspiring. I'm really bad with words and I cannot pen down the exact thoughts I craft in my head. But I'm really so inspired by this novel. In one way or another, I was wondering if I would ever influence someone so much like what Jamie did to Landon. I hope with God's power that I may one day do so.

Anyway, I caught the movie yesterday and I have to say I was so disappointed. The film omitted out many parts that I taught was crucial to its beauty, and they painted Jamie in a very 'American', college-kids way. But well, I still cried like mad with tissues and dustbin by my side. I remembered choking and feeling so uncomfortable, like there was despair stuck at my chest. HAHA I'm such an emotional animal. But omg, the movie was so bad because it felt as if Landon fell in love after seeing how beautiful (physically) she was. Mehh. I don't like.

Neon

No meaning to the title haha. It's just that the song is stuck in my head for now.

It has been an amazing 2 weeks for me, especially with the semester ending! I thank God for a rather chill Week 13 and now in the middle of Week 14, I thank God that I'm not burned out yet (unlike last sem -.-)

Bff believed that books have an interesting way of keeping you away from it before the right time. And when you do pick it up, it does seem to speak to you at the right time, the right moment. Well I guess there's some truth to that. I picked up Purpose Driven Life again, despite reading it 7 years ago. It's one of the first few books that I did during my growing years in teens and picking it up again was kinda weird, since I should have outgrew its content. But, everything was just so apt. I came to the chapter about testing and temptation during the toughest period this year, and it pulled me through, and I was damn sure that God purposely put me through this to mold my character. I came to the chapter about serving when I was struggling with my area of service and pride. In retrospect, everything that happened this year was for a reason, and I believe that it is to build God's Kingdom. It might be unclear to me now, but I guess obedience before understanding!

I remembered at the start of the year, I made this 'bold' prayer: God, help me to rely on your grace in this situation. I know your strength can shine through my weakness. So Lord, bring it on. Unleash your power in my life. Please use my pain for your glory.

God wasn't joking. After I made this prayer, people started to 'warn' me. I was scared, but I knew the growth it brings will be worth it.

Amusingly, I thought the pain that I encountered would be the decision to run for exco. I was really struggling at the start, but somehow, I got used to it and I enjoy doing my job. It didn't feel like a chore anymore. I remembered wondering "wait what, that's it? God, so this struggle is gone so easily?" Nah. Looks like that was just level 0.5

Level 1 was was the real deal. I've never felt so upset in my life before, I'm sure. Not even my breakup 4 years ago? It.was.really.painful. And now I'm over the most painful stage, I looked back and realised I asked for it. Sort of. And I thank God that his strength really shone through my weaknesses. I am sucker for emotions. I give in. But God gave me enough strength to get pass it. Yay!

And so, I am currently now anticipating level 2. Idk what it will be, but this means that I have to be on guard and I have to keep close to God. Because if I don't, I might just topple again. Oh, and I really, really, really hope it's nothing about Sze min and I, because earlier on in the year someone warned us that the devil was trying to snatch away this special friendship with share. NO WAY MAN. But I guess I can see it in another way - God is using our friendship for His kingdom, and I'm glad that he is.

Yeah, now I dare to tell God to BRING IT ON. Use my pain for Your Glory, because I want to build your Kingdom. Test me, tempt me. Because I know that whatever comes, you'll definitely provide a way out for me, and by then, I'll receive the crown of life (:

New dawn new day new life

Let God transform you inwardly by a complete change of your mind. Then you will be able to know the will of God - what is good and is pleasing to him and is perfect.

Romans 12:2

Amen.

I'll never be able to know the will of God, but I want Him to "give me a new heart and put a new spirit in me" (Ezekiel 36:26). I forwarded the verse to my girls and even though they may not feel so strongly about verses, my prayer is that they will be constantly renewed by God to face the challenges of their world. I know that they are extremely concerned with school results (even though they're getting A1s omg), but I really hope that they may learn to see things beyond that.

 I realised I haven't been spending much time with my girls and it's time to do so.. People have been affirming my leadership but I feel I didn't do enough. I'm pretty upset. Ironically, I'm not good at this but I really want to do this. I guess God makes the weak strong!


LET GO LET GOD!

Looks like...

I'm not okay. I thought I was! Maybe not.

Been spamming a lot of John Mayer for the last few days for no particular reason. It kinda made me feel better? And being around with people helps too.

But sigh pie it's not that easy. Who said it was? I can only constantly repeat Psalms 121 for strength. I will always look up when I'm down :')

Anyway, real tired today. Been cramming LOADS of information and doing work NON STOP from morning till evening. Hell week coming up yo.

I hope you're doing well :x

very much wanted to head home and just lie on my bed, but I have to fulfill my responsibilities here in school..

Why is this so hard? It feels like a break up even though it wasn't a relationship to begin with. 

I kept replaying scenes in my head and somehow there is a tinge of regret. I can't believe these moments are gone. 

I know you're reading this but idc. It's really damn painful for me right now and you are the only person that understands this pain (ironic yeah)

But we'll have to face this alone. 

I can only pray that God's comfort would be sufficient for us. I don't know how long this process will take but I can only hope that it doesn't erode my faith towards relationships. I'm tired.

God, why is it so hard to be happy

Maybe it's my turn to suffer. I already have an answer but I should be patient. I would have loved to talk about it ASAP but I guess I would have to delay gratification and be "punished" for what I've caused.


Sara Bareilles - I choose you

Let the bough break, let it come down crashing
Let the sun fade out to a dark sky
I can't say I'd even notice it was absent
Cause I could live by the light in your eyes

I'll unfold before you
Would have strung together
The very first words
Of a lifelong love letter

Tell the world that we finally got it all right
I choose you
I will become yours and you will become mine
I choose you
I choose you
(Yeah)

There was a time when I would have believed them
If they told me that you could not come true
Just love's illusion
But then you found me and everything changed
And I believe in something again

My whole heart
Will be yours forever
This is a beautiful start
To a lifelong love letter

Tell the world that we finally got it all right
I choose you
I will become yours and you will become mine
I choose you
I choose you

We are not perfect
We'll learn from our mistakes
And as long as it takes
I will prove my love to you

I am not scared of the elements
I am underprepared, but I am willing
And even better
I get to be the other half of you

Tell the world that we finally got it all right
I choose you
I will become yours and you will become mine
I choose you
I choose you

Recess

This is the first time I stayed at home for the whole day since sem started! *Throws confetti!

I have work to do, but sometimes it's good to have a 'heck it' attitude. Humans need rest.

So I'm just glad that I spent today reading books, dancing, sleeping, watching movies. Recess should be like this; work hard, play hard. I might have this underlying feeling that I'm gonna lose out, but this means I don't trust God enough. I'm sure He delights in my rest (:

GOOD TIMES 55555

(I'm always looking through old photos when I'm in a good mood)

Oh God why is this so hard

It's the end of another crazy week. Things turned out the way I never expect to be, but perhaps this is just God's timing.

I guess I'm at the point in my life where I'm facing a lot of tests, trials, temptations and I'm constantly fighting so that the world does not win. It's really hard. Sze min gave me a quote from a book, "The love life of Christian is a crucial battleground. There, if nowhere else, it will be determined as to who is Lord: the world, the self and the devil." I agree.

Emotions are what make us human. Sometimes I ask God why does my feelings sway me so much. My mind is rational, but my feelings aren't. My friends often question me the reason behind having a "list" (Eg, must be christian) of what my boyfriend should have, instead of just letting emotions take over. Quote "这种东西是要靠感觉的，你不可以有一个 list 来决定他是不是你要的人。" Well it's true, but I guess to answer this would be people who loves Jesus really attracts me. It's not just about "being a christian" but the fact that someone who loves God will encompass certain values that attracts me.

So this week has been quite a 'battleground' and my mind has to keep fighting with my emotions. I really wanted to give in, but I knew I had to persevere. It was hard, very hard. I knew what God wanted for me, which is not to even think of anything with regards to relationship, because it is simply not in His time. It's very easy for me to be worried if I would even find a boyfriend when I look at the people around me, so this is just simply a 'trust' test. Trust that God will bless me, provided if I do what I am supposed to now, which is to pursue God in my youth. Even if he doesn't choose to 'bless' me, I'll simply pray that God will prepare my heart and my life to be single! So now I'll just occupy my mind with more eternal matters.

I don't know how long I'll take to recover from the recent emotional turmoil I've experienced, but I hope it'll be soon. It's not that bad when I'm in a group of people and I try to take things off my mind by being more cheerful but it haunts me when I'm alone, and I get really sad. I don't want to live like my mind and heart is in a state of incongruity; it's tiring. I hope things can get back to normal soon because I missed those times. Well, all in God's timing.

It's too hard

求你給我一顆謙卑的心

給我一個受教的靈

好讓我能走在你的旨意裡

如同耶穌的生命



幫助我更多的禱告

幫助我更深的倚靠

單單相信你

深深敬畏你

一生要跟隨你

I'm glad my Tuesday nights are free and Wednesday is my free day. I'll continue to do that!

Going for Sunday service is definitely not enough. No wonder Christians in Korea go to church every day. If I could, I would.

I went into some sort of slump recently, probably due to the influx of school work and CCA. It was really tiring and I didn't have any chance to lead worship, and I sometimes attend youth service late. I spent a lot of time with friends from school and it's kept secular which limits the chance of talking about God. (I always believe to stay on God's track you have to constantly renew yourself with His word). I just got about doing my own things and obsessed with completing them and it felt like a rat race. I totally forgot about God's purpose for me.

But I thank God. I thank God for reminders and warnings. I thank God for friends who encouraged me even though I don't treat them as well as they do. I thank God for Christian friends in school whom I could readily share about my struggles and knowing they'll support me in prayer.

The song I posted right at the front was the song that spoke to me during prayer meeting tonight. I felt sooooooooo sad and frustrated at how hard it was to follow God. It's so easy to follow the world and succumb to temptations. It's sooooooooo hard to stay close to God. I really, really want to stay close. I couldn't hold back my sorrow and started to cry real bad. I can't do this alone man, I really need God's help so that I may honor God, and give God the glory. I just find it so damn hard to sustain the spiritual intimacy with God. :(

I hope the song will be a prayer of my life, and for the next week at least. Well, I'm just glad God pulled me back in again and it's amazing how transformation can take place within days! God is real.

P.S. I'm so happy that my testimony blessed someone! It's really amazing how God has His own time in revealing stuff in each of our lives (: I hope that friend will become a godly woman and make decisions in honor of God!

I didn't know I'll actually feel sad.

I really miss singing.

Just thought about how different it would be if I haven't got elected. And when I see how some of my peers are going to have so much fun, so much opportunities to grow, I'm just jealous.

I chose what I chose today because I'm so damn tired already. And I think it's not fair for the club to nurture me, who is going to quit after the end of the year. I rather give others who are going to stay more opportunities to do many more things.

I really miss the times where I had the opportunity to sing for concerts, performances, and even went Italy for competition. I remember how fun, enriching and life-changing they were and they thought of not being able to do these again just pains me.

Then I was reminded - it's the same between choosing God and the world. What I mean by 'the world' here is - many friends, having a life, various opportunities, interests, hobbies, results. I believe it's not absolute and there's a balance. The fact that I won't be singing as much as compared to the rest makes me really envious, but I have to deal with it. I believe God placed me in this situation, this position as a mentor for a reason to bless other people. It's like a 'calling'. By obeying this calling I am forgoing many many things that people would say 'life experiences'. It's damn heart-wrenching to see others getting all the fun and experience. The fact that I can't tell anyone about this makes me so :'(((((

 But I told God that ultimately I'll choose Him. This is just the beginning. I'll be forced to make tougher choices in the future and I really have to know what's right.

:(

got me thinking

Patron's Day is over!! It's such a burden since the beginning of time, even though the bulk of the work was during the last 2 weeks. Oh gosh, how I hate admin.

I wouldn't want to go through the torture again, even though the feeling on show day itself was pretty awesome. But NO, no more sending out tons of email and replying them, chasing people and getting chased for information. It has been a tiring week.

The show team actually invited an alumni Ong Eng Teck (https://www.facebook.com/EtOngEngTeckwangRongDe), who is now in the top 7 position in Taiwan's singing competition, Super Idol. He graduated in 2012 with a degree of accountancy, but went on to pursue music. His speaking voice was very gentle and he was a super nice guy. He was very polite and humble. This was something I could feel even if I did not engage in a 1-1 conversation. I had the privilege to sit at campus green and heard his interview. 

He mentioned that singing was something that he has always wanted to do since young, and after winning a competition in uni, he decided that it was something he wanted to pursue after graduation. So he got his degree, flew off to Taiwan with only 5000 SGD, and took part in Super Idol. I mean like, don't people from SOA want to earn big bucks in audit firms? Why did he chose to pursue something that takes effort, time, but may yield unrewarding results? I was curious, because I thought all SMU students came here for the money (EXCEPT SOCI STUDENTS OH YEAH YEAH) and they loved to get out of school as possible. 

Turns out that E.T. have plans. He knows he has something to back on (his degree), and he could always find a job anytime. He gave himself 2 years to explore, experience, before he would settle for a job. And I thought that was very brave, and non-conforming. (I just love sociology, don't I?) He knew what he wanted and set a timeline to achieve those goals and this got me thinking. What are my dreams?

I... am the jack of all trades, master of none.

I don't think I have a dream, after deeper thoughts. I've wanted to sing, but I know my limitations. I am confident of myself, but this confidence won't take me far. I lack the skills, as compared to the rest. It kinda saddens me to think that after 4 years and obtaining a degree, I'm just gonna follow the crowd, work, slog my guts out, and probably get a job at the CBD area. AND I DONT WANNA CONFORM.

Anyway, forget about my dreams. I'll figure it out. Another quality that Eng Teck possess inspired me was his humbleness. While he agrees that getting a degree is still very important, he emphasized the need to stay humble, because there will be someone better than you. I think in all, the fact that he took somewhat a 'road less traveled' really inspired me, but I'm not sure if I could do the same, as much as I hope to.

1 Corinthians 7:32

Happy New Year!

I'm honestly not very excited for 2014 initially, but after talking to various people and after praying, I think it will be exciting from summer onwards!

Y1S2 starts tmr, and I am definitely not ready for it. Come to think of it, I will never be ready la. Sem time will be very hectic and gone in a flash, so I must really ponder about what I want to achieve and what are my priorities.

(It's sort of like a new year's resolution? I know people don't believe in it, but I do)
1. Pray for Holy Spirit's presence, everyday
2. FINISH THE BIBLE
3. I must do my best in commitments outside church, as if I'm serving the Lord
4. Bring my cell members out at least 3 times!
5. Read 10 books
6. Errrrrr, try to exercise
7. No relationships

Okay I must elaborate on point 2. It's been in my list for the 3rd consecutive year and I'm quite ashamed to still put it there. But I'm almost there!! About 12 books more which I believe I can finish within Jan/Feb! I'm dragging this way too long.

I was telling bff about how my resolutions seem to revolve around God. She agreed and said she does so too. I wanted to do something for myself, but it seems trivial as compared to the rest of  my resolutions. My life belongs to God and it feels selfish if all I thought about are my own needs. Of course, I believe we should all love ourselves and there is a need to do what we enjoy, but I feel that it is not of utmost importance. I guess when we give our time and effort to God, the enjoyment part will naturally come. It may not be a reward from God, but rather the joy of the Lord. This is the fruits of my effort and is the thing that sustains me (: And that is enough.

When I wrote out point 7, part of me was struggling and making it black-and-white made me obliged to accomplish it. Ironically, I've reached my dad's "approved age of getting into a relationship" but I know that is not what God wants me to get into right now. It's unlike the time when I first got into a relationship, where I rejected what all mentors advised me and continued on my foolish ways. I've always followed where my feelings led me to, but now it's gonna be different! I'm making this decision (okay la, actually not a very very tough decision) with obedience. It is a time for my transformation and molding of spiritual character. There are so many things I want to achieve this year, and many serving areas I'm currently exploring. If I put myself into a relationship, I would have less time for God, with God. And now is not the right time to be distant from Him. I guess along the way, many people will question my decision and rationale for doing so. I can only pray for wisdom from the Lord about my answer, and humbly explain the importance of being single right now (which is embedded in the verse 1 Cor 7:32).

I do sound optimistic but in fact I think I'm quite apprehensive of whatever's coming my way in 1.2. There's A LOT of commitments, and I'm worried about my duties as a student. Perhaps this will be the excruciating time where God molds and shapes me, throws me into the lion's den and test my faith, etc. But my mentor reminded me that this may just be the consequences of the decisions I made for the last few months. Which kinda pains me, because I feel like I'm going through a series of punishment.. Nevertheless, she also encouraged me that I can be (more or less) assured that I'll never make the same mistakes again! Now I've identified my priorities in life, I am convicted to make the right decisions from now on!


Wenhao: So wanna go Funan together?
Cong: You know why we don't want to go? Because got YOU.
(everyone LOLOLOL)
Sam: It's true, Funan has 'U'.

oh god I love my friends.