Our God 256 times

I cannot stop thanking God.

This month has been a pretty amazing month, albeit experiencing more stress than I ever did since the start of uni life. My spiritual life this year has been rather stagnant, but not plunging, and there were a few spikes here and there but didn't sustain or wasn't impactful. Surprisingly, the life-changing things always happen at the end of the year. Maybe because I'm free from all the obligations of school and am currently in a relaxed state.

My Story:
I was elected as a member of the exco in Voix (my CCA) and I felt that it was a wrong decision. I would say that it was regretful that I signed up for this, but this whole thing taught things. After the first mass meeting, I was shocked at the amount of workload I had to do and the time I had to invest to manage my workload.. The worst part was the fact that Voix would start Saturday practices when term starts and this would potentially clash with my commitments as a cell group leader. I couldn't be irresponsible about my duties after my election, but I think I have to answer to the most important thing - leading cell. It was one of my worst week as I struggled with guilt, as I did not set my priorities straight and did not place God at the center. I felt SO BAD that I couldn't have peace. It was a terror living those days. Furthermore, I was very troubled by my driving (what a lame thing to worry about right) since my TP is around the corner and I'm not performing well. There was no peace, at all.

After what seems like a wrong decision, I decided that God must have something to show me through these 'unfortunate' events. It was triggered when I read one of the prayers that I wrote on my wall a long time ago. It writes -

 'God, help me to rely on your grace in this situation. I know your strength can shine through my weaknesses. So Lord, bring it on. Unleash your power in my life. Please use my pain for Your Glory.'

I thought it was very apt and I felt much better that these are obstacles that will train my perseverance and exhibit God's glory in my life. I know from the book of James that these trials are for the better good. I am willing to trust that my decisions made now, despite a wrong move, will be made right in God. More peace came.

Secondly, youth camp this year was an awesome experience. There were other camps that had better worship, but many 'first times' happened during this camp too. I had my first try in interpreting tongues and it was..... scary. Before anyone was called to interpret Pastor's tongues, I knew it was me. I knew it came from God but I wasn't even confident of myself speaking in tongues correctly, moreover interpreting it. What choice did I have? I still didn't have the faith, and I felt ashamed. I cried, I was guilty. I kept on asking God to use me, but I assume that he would in areas that I'm most comfortable with (cell, worship) but not something that I can't do. Well, the more faith is needed to do something, the more powerful it will be, the more you need to rely on God's grace, the less you rely on yourself.

Besides having a 4 hour worship in the middle of the night, (which I shall not share here because I shared this more than 3 times already), I am truly touched by the teens in church. From their sharing and their experience with God, it affirmed and encouraged me about the value of being a leader, and also how God has His own timing and we don't have to worry about anything. One teen actually shared about how he kept on crying, and he felt ashamed because he wasted 2 years in RYM not knowing and seeking God. That really touched me and I was almost at the verge of tears when he shared that. I used to look at that teen, thinking to myself that they'll never grow up. God has His timings. Was especially touched when he kept saying "I want to keep the fire burning!". This is good, despite that it's possibly temporal. LIFE-CHANGING LA

This month has been too awesome and after the lessons learnt, I have decided to place God in the center (and I know what it means to do that now!), putting church as my CCA, and spending my time to know God, to bring people to God. I'm sure to my friends outside church, I may sound a bit extreme or too 'holy' but I cannot deny how much power God has put into my life and how much He has changed it. My thoughts are very disorganized here because there's just so much things going on, but I proclaim that it hasn't ended!


上帝的作为一旦开始，谁也无能阻止。

why did I sign up for this shit...

God, I'm supposed to put you in the center. Help me.

I'm a november baby

I've got this sudden crazy idea.

I've been wanting to find out if there is a difference in intelligence between babies born in January and December.

For example, babies born in January have around 6 years before they enter primary school, while December babies have 12 months less than the Jan babies to develop their mental capabilities. So, would test scores be any different? Would Jan babies have more advantage than Dec babies? My hypothesis would be that test scores and probably cognitive development would be more pronounced for Jan babies, but they will only have this advantage until 10+, before they move on to secondary schools.

Can anyone shed some light on this issue? It's cooooooooool it's like I'm gonna do my own research and paper

Onepointone

That's not the score of my GPA

SEM 1 IS OVER!

('cept finals)

\

So far it has been a rather fun journey, considering how I was complaining for the previous posts..

VOIX

Literally colours. I wouldn't have made so many friends, meet different kinds of people if not for Voix. Thank God for the soci people I've met - Olivia, Jo, Sebrina, Joyce, Syafiq that made me felt less lonely. In addition to the redliners - Olivia, Jo, Erina, Fangyu who made train rides home exciting. And to my small group, Accidentals - Olivia, Syafiq, Eustance, Teck Huat, Weiqi, John, Trella, Hon Yee, really enjoyed making music with you guys, and even though we're the smallest group but we da best yeah! And also to the rest of Voix, seniors and freshies alike, I totally enjoyed your company. You guys are a bunch of people who can sing damn well and it's my honor to sing alongside you. 

MEL AND ZIAN

These 2 lovely babies. Or shiny fairies. I couldn't have survived my first sem without the both of them. It's kinda weird with Mel as my senior, when she used to be my.. choir member. To think I used to call her "bitchy" in J1, but she's the cutest girl ever. Thanks for SOE-level-3-ing with me and I think Voix + SMU really brought us close. I love you.

Zian. Thank God for being in the same acad block and LTB class. You are my marker of sanity. I get to show whatever 'shameless' or 'gross' side of me without judging. SMU will be different without you definitely because no one else how grosss I really can be. Hahaha.

THE TERRIBLE THREE

I can't emphasize how much I miss my 2 zabors. No words can summarize, elaborate, fluff what I want to say. It's been tough meeting up frequently because we're all in 3 different schools. But I'm thankful for the short meetups at xiandelai or whatever adventurous place during this sem. I can't wait to run around or scream in the car when we meet after our finals. I hope we'll stay tight as we are even as we progress in our university. You girls are the ones that define "prissypoop". Without you I really.... damn deprived of my eccentricity. I think you girls don't need words to describe how I really feel right. Okay this is weird but I love you loads. remember "when the sun goes down it will still rise tomorrow. when the flower fades, it will still blossom next year."

MY GROUPS

Dedicating to my psych group, easily the most enjoyable group of the sem - Dhivi, Helen and Alvin. Perhaps it was the in class activities that brought us close. Perhaps it was the small group size. But nonetheless I am surprised at our dynamics; crazy bimbo princess, foreigner-with-an-accent-who-always-roll-her-eyes-and-online-shops-in-class, and the nerd-sexist. Special thanks to Dhivi who offered to be the joke and the "center-of-attention" and her KiloGrams. I enjoyed working with you guys even though my fuse was really short during one of the meetings. Nonetheless you guys were still so nice to me <3

To my LTB group, thank you. I know I flared up a few times but I was really frustrated at the time. Thank you for putting in effort even though it is at the eleventh hour. Thank you Faizal for being the charismatic presenter, and treating us to NamNam, and sending us home after a late meeting. Thank you Peishan and Tamara for being my girly bitches. Thank you Darren for being task-oriented and helping to organize our initial report ideas. Now that LTB is over, I still hope that we'll still hangout, especially after building relationships with you guys over several lunch. 

My Classes

Thinking back, it is unfortunate for me to say that SMU may be a wrong decision. I totally dislike the business-like courses. I honestly envy people in FASS (even though friends there suggest a shitty workload) because it's just more art-sy. Well it's too late to change anything, and so I'm gonna put all my resources here and make the best out of it. Thankfully, I had 2 soci mods this sem - Psych and Socio. Both mods are my MOST ENJOYABLE mods. I don't mind thick readings as long as I find them interesting. And they are. I really enjoy Prof Chung's class and honestly even though I disliked the abstract socio concepts initially, it grew on me and I am totally loving it now. I can't even say how cute he is as a Prof and I will bid for his classes in Y2! Now I'm kinda dreading sem 2 since there's only gonna be 1 soci mod. Oh wells suck it up.

I think that's about it! Most people won't even know I've mentioned them in my blog but I guess this is purely for memory's sake. I want to look back and know that God has blessed me with much stuff and not just remember the sucky times/meetings I've been through. I need to learn to be thankful and not take this for granted! One verse that kept me going for the first few weeks of school is from Matthew 6:33. 

"But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."

I used to think that I need to actively search for social life in order to have one. As I looked at my peers around me, it seems to suggest that I am the loner. I work alone. I eat alone. And this made me very insecure (because I forgot about my identity in Christ). It was bad. The more I seek friends, the less I get. Until one day, God said Let Go, and the verse above reminded me that I don't even have to try. So I did. I learn to enjoy my walks to Waterloo/Parklane alone, and did my duties as a student. Subsequently, things change and I'm blessed with so many friends, that I even have to decide who to have meals with because there's a demand but perfectly inelastic supply (me). Hahaha, kidding. University is a fun place with loads of freedom but I guess the challenge is to stay close to God and always reminded about my identity. It is not built on how many friends I have, my position in CCA.. etc. As I get more involved in student life, I pray that I will not stray away from the very initial values and beliefs I have held on to. Anyway. I shall end off here. I think I'm spouting nonsense and making incoherent statements because I'm gonna crashhhhhhh

HI EUSTANCE WELCOME (:

RECESS

Eat

Nerdy updates

It's week 4 (OMG NO KIDD) and school has been pretty much s.... surprisingly chill.

Many people I've encountered hangs "stressed" over their lips. And I'm like whaaaaat? Ok for the benefit of doubt, I haven't had my first presentation, my first test or even group project meetings. Some friends have already started meetings, serious, intense, meetings.

Maybe it's too early to say that. I'll get my shit soon. Then you'll hope that I'll slap my cheek for saying this now. But well, I do have my "stressed" moments, but they are pretty much short-lived. The most stressful thing is that few seconds before raising your hands for class part. That 10 seconds or so where you started to generate a simple thought, and trying your best to form it into a coherent, logical question/answer. That's the worst. I never fail to have my heart thumping LIKE MAD (and when I say LIKE MAD, I really mean LIKE MAD) before making my statement. And it doesn't get any better. I usually fumble on my first few words, saying words that doesn't make sense when put together. I use hand gestures to signify my intent, but I realise they are actually trembling.. Who said I was confident and vocal?

Another possibly stressful aspect of school is probably weekly quizzes. I hate it, hate hate hate. Especially when the prof shows the class average and you have access to the statistics. I've been below average for 3 weeks in a row and that feeling is just sian. However, if that provides me any consolation, the mod is a business-y and fluff mod, which kinda explain my disinterest..

CCAs have not officially started and I'm kinda looking forward. Partly also due to the fact that I believe I'll make real friends through CCA. It's week 4 and I'm pretty much alone, with the exception of Zian around and a 'Monday Lunch' buddy. I feel like there's no someone I can navigate around school, grab food from Koufu/Kopitiam/Waterloo, or just slack. I know understand why people described SMU as "come and go". People really do come and go, and I don't feel anything concrete about current friendships. Go on, you can say I'm bitter (吃不到葡萄说葡萄酸), I think I am. But, I choose to believe this is a test from God. Maybe a better word would be development. And I actually delight in doing things alone more and more!

Yay. Nerdy updates end.

Phoneless

I bought my charger to school today without bringing my phone. What a genius move.

So SMU's CCA fair was today, proudly termed as "Vivace", means "lively", the school was pretty much buzzing. Except my phone.

Thank God for the morning class I had with Zian, it was a "given" that we walked around together, along with 2 new friends I've made (also from NY!). We took around an hour plus to cruise along the whole basement.

Anyway, I signed up for pretty much stuff, include Voix, Habitat for Humanity, Strategica, Run Team, Tchouk and CF. Giving myself more option than no choice, but too much on the plate ah. I would have to reset my priorities.

I went home and checked my phone. Not much whatsapp, 2 missed calls, 3 messages. Rather decent. I was actually betting with myself if any of my camp groups would call for each other's company during Vivace. Surprisingly (or expectedly), none of them did. I'm not disappointed about this, but I've been thinking if I have made any real friends from the 5 camps I've been to. Sometimes I do get jealous of those groups who are so bonded, joining any event SMU can provide, going out week after week, going for supper etc.. It's like they're having so much fun.

Or are they?... Social media can lie. Just because pictures were posted on fb, insta, twitter doesn't mean they're having the best time of their lives. Or I'm just bitter about it..

Nevertheless, I am looking forward to the time when CCA starts and I can make like-minded friends. CCA was the source of my friendships in JC too. Right now, I really treasure the friendship I share with Jin and Shuangling, especially after meeting SO MANY people that seem fun, enthusiastic and appealing. Our friendship was cultivated on so much tears, blood, fun, eccentricities, you-name-it-we-did-it. I'm likely to be more of a "few close friends rather than many just-friends".

I'm still adapting to uni life, still adapting to class part. However I realise my major flaw is thinking too much. I tend to formulate my ideas and sentence such that it'll suit the taste of the masses, and by that time I do that, my initial thoughts have disappeared and it'll be too late- someone got their hand raised already. In chinese, it'll be called 有话就说，有屁快放。


By the way, I'm quite upset about a friend who took my generosity for granted. How?!

It's so fluff-y I'm gonna die!

Today marks the start of 4 years in SMU.

Nothing content heavy was presented today, but yet I almost fell asleep for my first lesson. Or maybe that's why..

As you know, SMU focuses a lot on class participation, which is actually graded. So you are graded for sharing your views.

Many told me that I suit this seminar-style of learning, I myself think so too. Outspoken, daring, enthusiastic would probably be my attributes. But guess what, I HATE FLUFF!

I had Business, government and society along with Creative Thinking today. ALL ARE FLUFF. As long as as you speak out, present your ideas in a coherent manner, you'll do well. But obviously the profs look more for quality than frequency, which would also translate to the fact that your responses should be more unconventional. Stating something simple yet true may not earn you any points, when everyone could have pointed the same thing out.

Furthermore, I realised language plays a damn important role in these fluff modules. My english sucks and communicating thoughts into spoken words was never my forte. The people who actually spoke out today have a certain standard and I'm just stoning, jaw dropped, thinking of how to survive for the next 14 weeks.

For the benefit of doubt, today was only my first day. I have pysch lesson tmr and I'm kinda looking forward to it. I can't wait to start an interesting debate, such as econs vs pysch, rationality vs irrationality. It's still early to discuss that but I'm hoping for it (so that I can whip out my knowledge). It's probably socsci that interests me more la.

Hopefully I'll get used to the whole "class part" thing and learn to speak up. Have to get rid of the fear-of-getting-judged in me. University is a different ball game. Who cares about the As.

Labeled as "weird" or getting rolled eyes at when I share my values and beliefs, something tells me this is just the beginning..

Krung tep mahanakhon!

I can just repeat "Krung tep mahanakhon" for 10 times.

So, I just came back from a vacation in the City of Angels with a few of my closest friends. This is also my first trip alone without parental control (other than those with schools) and I was so hyped! Particularly because I planned for the whole trip from top till end, with a little help from Samuel of course.

THE SHOPPING

Need I say more? The "shop till you drop" lingo is definetely true, no doubt. We didn't even bother to see scenery or what not because " We Are There To Shop!" I had a chance to venture the famous 7-storey Platinum Mall for 4 hours and my verdict is!!....

Meh. I don't like it. For the benefit of doubt, I bought a few great pieces from there and clothes there are of better quality and design as compared to markets. But, prices there are a bit jacked because many shops get their stocks from wholesale markets and resell there. There were Singaporeans every 50m which wasn't very comfortable since I might spot someone wearing the same piece back home. Nah. My spending rationale there was YOLO but I ain't buying anything mainstream.

Union Mall was another favourite place because it's less crowded and there were GUYS STUFF. So the 4 guys among us had things to do. Although I didn't buy anything much there, I would say the pieces are less mainstream, more special, but a little more expensive. Besides, there was a variety of food in the mall (by variety I meant international) and I really liked the feeling of walking in an empty mall.

As for the markets, we went to Pratunam morning market which operates the whole day, but from 5-8am it's at wholesale prices. So, I dragged the guys and forced them to wake up at 5am to accompany us. This was where I got most of my loots; around 13 pieces for 2 hours. The boys went to lim kopi after 20 mins.

The best market in Krung Tep Mahanakhon will be the one that has no tourists, most locals. And that is SAPHAN PHUT. All of us had a great time there and most of the buying was done by the guys. I enjoyed shopping with them, giving comments and laughing at their choice. That was a really great night. I highly recommend people to try this market but the only thing, is that it's quite far from civilization and only a cab can bring you there. But be careful not to be "chopped" by the drivers. 150 baht should get you there.

Chatuchak and Siam are the mainstream places which I quite enjoy, but I shouldn't digress since it's so mainstream hah.

THE FOOD

Sadly, I said SADLY, we didn't eat much. I was looking forward to Pad Thai for 10 meals straight but we only had it 3 times. 3 pathetic times. And we shared the dish :'( Anyway, the enjoyable thing was we food-hopped; we ordered a bowl, share, and jump to the next stall for the next dish. The best thing was pork intestines rice. SO HEAVENLY. And there was once we ordered from a roadside stall, the menu provided was all in Thai. I YOLO-ed and pointed at longest name and LO AND BEHOLD, heavenly la! Turned out to be some pork spicy rice and goodness gracious, best I have ever eaten. On that same day, another road side stall that sold Pad Thai was damn awesome too. BEST I HAVE EVER EATEN. I regret not ta-pao-ing 10 packs to the hotel.

This is why I can never get sick of Asian food.

THE MISCELLANEOUS

There was this funny incident around Patpong Market where I was suddenly demanded with tissues. Turns out that Samuel had a nosebleed. I freaked out when I saw blood just flowing on the curb of the road. I wasn't going to faint but it wasn't a nice feeling please.. I went to get cold water and extra tissues when that clever boy decides to blow his nose again and more blood dripped on the road. I'm just...like...goodness..why..is..there..so..much..blood. And my friends laughed at me. mehhhh.

Anyway,  it was a great trip due to the company. And really have to thank God for everything because nothing is a coincidence. Including some issues finding the driver to the hotel and checking in, and especially the cab journey was safe. Can't take everything for granted. I was glad I went with this group of people cos they are the ones I grew up with, and most likely the ones I'll grow old with. There was connection in fun, laughter and in God also. Really thank God for everything. And after this trip, I found a new calling in life: plan for more trips. I enjoyed doing everything from booking to researching to bringing people around. And someday I hope I can plan for my own personal trip alone!

P.S, I finished the whole game of The House of The Dead in an arcade. And I demonstrated a zombie when asking for L4D in a LAN shops. #TheThingsWeDo.

Life in a book?

It's rather late now, considering the fact that I have to get up early tmr, and teach sec school kids who are just running around, refusing to sing.


So, last week's LDP we played a mini ice breaker, where we were given little rectangular cards consisting of questions and we had to answer them. These questions are more likely to be asking "Would you choose Subway, Macs, or KFC" rather than "Who is the 37th president of the USA" kind of thing. You get the idea.

I picked a hard one, "What would be the title of the book of your autobiography (besides your name)"? It got me thinking, and I never thought so hard during a game. I was stumped when I got called to share my answer, because thoughts were just racing through my mind, trying to squeeze something that would impress, yet not too cheesy to cringe at.

And so, the title "How to fail successfully" birthed. I was sharing my initial thoughts that I didn't want something too mainstream, like "The Life of Priscilla". I thought about what has happened in my life so far, and I guess failure sums it up pretty much. But, the story "ends" being successfully through the fruits of failure. Not to wallow in self-pity, I'm actually kinda proud of some failures I've faced. Example, choosing to repeat JC1. People have been telling me how noble I am, deciding to spend another year in college despite meeting the mark. But truth is, at that moment, I was damn willing. Most (if not all) of my closer friends had to repeat. I hated H2 CLL. I disliked my class. Repeating seem like a good option. So there, I appealed to the school, and I rejoiced when it got accepted. I started my new term with a new class, a new subject (econs)- which happens to be the love of my life only until I discovered it - tada happy ending.

Well, things are not always rosy isn't it. Honestly, there were times where I felt I might have made the wrong decision. Sometimes when I see same-aged friends already moving on to uni, I wonder where I'll be if I didn't make that choice. Actually, is getting all As for A Levels really that crucial? I doubt I'll do THAT bad for A Levels. Sometimes jealousy arises, I'm still stuck here while people has moved on.

Looking back, I think choosing to repeat was definitely a failure that I encountered, be it was a free, affirmed decision, there were times that the social stigma was enforced on me. I felt bad about myself, seriously doubting my own abilities. As the chinese proverb says, failure is success' mum (正所谓，失败是成功之母), I felt compelled to work hard and prove people wrong that retainees can do well - and I did! And this leads to another success story; scholarship.

There were also many other instances where I felt that the failures were a stepping stone to my success, but I guess it's personal to share it here. However, I must definitely credit God for turning an extreme to the other; 危机变转机. Couldn't, wouldn't, have done it by myself. So, if I were to write that autobiography, it's subtitle would be "with God".


P.S, if only I have the ability to write a book.

Self-judge

Back from a 4 day adventure camp in Taman Negara, Malaysia!

I was resenting myself for signing up on the journey there. I knew no one, had to sit beside a stranger (that I got to knew soon) for the whole bus journey, and BTSA with annoying sec 3 kids that don't know how to shut up. My friends and I were all split up. Throughout the whole bus journey, I was constantly reminded of Perak in 2012 and how fun was it with people that I was close to, and it wasn't a chore. Now, this was a responsibility, which totally made me felt sian.

Anyhow, through the first day, I got to know the others (thank God) and it became a little more comfortable. We had an array of activities for the 2 days and it was SO TIRING. I had fun in especially caving and trekking, something that I thought I hated. I guess people do change. I'm gonna sign up for SMU extreme sports camp hahahaha.

Throughout the whole trip, I came to realise that sec 3 kids nowadays are so pampered that they expect to be taken care of wholly. As if the responsibility of their welfare lies solely on us. Whining is a good example. I can't stand whining seriously, and these kids just.can't.stop. There was this very striking experience during caving that I don't think I'll ever forget; so 4 of my students decided to not carry their day-pack but brought along a 1.5 litre water bottle. Since caving required their arms free (sorta), they conveniently passed the bottle to my friend, asking him to carry it for them for the whole trip. IKR, and because of that, his already injured knee accidentally bumped into a rock. Seeing that, I took on that BURDEN and placed it in my bag. It was so BURDEN throughout the whole trip and I was really pissed at that for not taking responsibility for what they have brought. Choice and consequences, girls. You choose to bring a bottle without a bag, you jolly well take responsibility and not assume that someone else will carry it for you. That's what I hate; them assuming that someone will be there to relieve their burden of carrying a bottle. Worse still, after a long while, I returned it to them expecting that they would be automatic, but, I ended carrying it again..

Plus, some girls can't beat an egg during outdoor cooking.

My friend and I were also discussing if high IQ meant low EQ on the bus. The class we took was a triple science class, and I felt that some of them lack self-awareness. For the benefit of doubt, this was only observed on some students. I felt them some of them (girls) were really rude to their teacher. I understand that a teacher and a student can share a good working relationship, but what I got was that the boundary was crossed. There were girls shouting at the teachers "Mr ______, COME HERE!", so on and so forth. I was so shocked!

I don't know if this is the face of the new generation, because it scares me. I hope this was only subjective to this class that I've met. I begin to recall what I was like in sec 3, which was 5 years ago. To think I always say "5 years is a generation", I am turning old. I guess I complained during my sec 3 camp, I screamed and shouted on the bus, running around trying to snatch each others' passport all that kind of shit, but I don't remember being so dependent on someone else for my activities. I don't remember being so rude, and I remember doing what I needed to do, although with slight whining. Some of the students see themselves as big as the world, and I can't help but worry if their mindset is gonna change. All in all, I self-judge, but I secretly hope I was better 5 years ago.

Nevertheless, I had a lot of fun. I had the experience of being a teacher, which includes having supper, late nights, private rooms and beds, air-con, not having to sit under the hot sun, better food etc. I don't have to sleep on hard floors or suffer the agony of bathing in dirty and cramped toilets with the rest. It was a nice adventure camp. Plus, I made some new friends! Didn't regret signing up for it even though it wasn't even my secondary school.

Exclusivity

You start feeling excluded when you feel excluded.

You never thought about exclusivity until you feel excluded, yeah?

Social media encourages it. Whatsapp lets you to create groups of maximum 50 people (that's ALOT). It has eroded the use of SMSes, because you'll probably get instant replies, and it allows like an online meeting. Twitter may even be worse. You get to see replies from whom to whom, and be able to read their conversation without the need to stalk. It sucks when some conversations gets too long and annoying, or when you want to join in the fun. You're in but without. It's like being in a crowd but feeling lonely.

I used to be really defensive and find myself excluded in things that I thought I should take part in. I insist they are wrong, or I feel bad about myself. Maybe I took the friendship too seriously, or maybe they took me lightly. Either way, it's quite sad to feel excluded. Recently, I had the same feeling again but there was light; am I the one who excluded myself? This is a good question to ask.

I admit that I'm impatient, judgmental, with my head up on a cloud. There's a lot of things that annoy me and I disagree with my friends almost all the time, thinking that I'm always the better individual. Perhaps this was the turn-off. People who like to hang around you because you make them feel good about themselves. This is my problem. I feel too good about myself instead of the other way round in the group. I search for opportunities to share about my achievements, my perfect life outside the clique, while I pay less details to the things they say. I'm aware of my problem, but I've tried rather hard, and with no outcome. I am still disinterested at times. With that said, friends, I am not a good friend. I will try harder. 

Maybe it's just me. I'm not good at expressing myself, especially love. It's hard for me to tell my friends ILY when some of them are quite generous with it. I just can't. Maybe I excluded myself because we are on a different page. Maybe, the feeling of exclusivity arises from jealousy. When you envy the people within a group, it shows the desire to be part of that group.

However, I will not be upset if exclusivity was resulted due to a difference in values and beliefs. I will stand firm for what I believe is right in the word of the Lord. That cannot change. I am starting to feel the pricks of this as I grow older and have more friends from different origins. I will still continue to love my friends, and respect for what they believe in, because it's their life. Similarly, it's mine and I will have to take charge of it, guarding what I have to guard. I can sense that it's gonna be a tough path especially when I'm gonna step into SMU but I'll FIGHT. Hopefully I get courage la.. Following/being like Jesus is a piece of cake. Said no one ever.

Okay, disclaimer here. I think I'm guilty of excluding people too. And I think it's not just once or twice. I might have hurt people and I sincerely apologise to whoever feels this way, even though I may never find out who. Well, I guess it's like Newton's third law, you get excluded, you exclude people. At least this is for me.

I promise I'll post a happy one next time. Getting too emo *cues Chinese songs

(And oh man, I'm getting too nerdy.)

Just like you

Perhaps twas was an emo, sian day.


I spend all the free time today pondering about my life, my promise to God, my promise to myself. To become a Christ-like person.

Firstly, I face the struggle of double standards. I often judge my friends for judging the rest, I judge my friends for doing things that I'm not fond of, not realising I'm actually pointing 3 fingers back at myself. Sometimes I wonder why I judge people so much, especially close friends of mine. Maybe, it is the long periods of time spent together that has allowed me to pick on such minute details. And sometimes, I do face this stupid issue to thinking I'm better off than everyone else. Pfft, dumb.

2, no matter how much I want to change and be different in Christ-like way, I can't!! Which may go to show that this character I want to achieve still does not come from the heart. I've always prayed for God to help me to be like Jesus, and when people see me, they see God. I'm sure many Christians made that prayer at least once in their lifetime, but it's so hard for me to achieve it! I truly want my friends to see that I'm different because I have God, but no different as a friend.

3, I struggle with the fear of labelling. Many stigmatize us as "holy", going to church and tweeting about God is extremely spiritual and beyond the realms of this physical world thing. It's like reaching Nirvana, or too "up there". I dislike this description. I know, I trust that God made us out to be different kinds of people, the fun ones, quiet ones, enthusiastic ones.. It's boring if everyone else is the same. Therefore, it is silly to infer that "holy" Christians cannot be fun. Come to think of it, I really dislike the usage of "holy" here. We can never be holy, in a sense. I confess I can never be, because of so much sin in me. Thankfully, God has sent Jesus as a sacrifice and we are all dead to sin. Yay!! It is because I am weak and that's why I need God. Anyway, back to my point, I often find it difficult to strike a balance, because of the constant need to impress my friends through entertainment, media, but never thinking of bringing God into the picture, for fear of the label.


You know, at least I'm glad that I'm aware of what I have to work on. Imagine my blind spot is the failure to see my blind spots.. Anyhow, these changes can never be achieved alone. I pray that God will shape and mould me through experiences, obstacles, and make me the beautiful woman that he had in mind. But I am just like you, imperfect. Imperfect, but will be made (a little) more perfect through God's grace.

Inferiority complex

From young, I have known that my family is not well to do, probably because my dad scrimps and saves on almost ANYTHING you can think of. As a result, my spending habits tend to be more restrained. I'm only pampered by my uncle and aunt (a blessing) in terms of monetary especially, up till the point when they had kids.

As I grew older, as my family becomes a little more affluent, we were able to spend more things on wants than just needs alone. However, the mindset behind my spending never changed. I find it expensive when I can buy something at a lower price fulfilling the same need. My budget for meals are really low and I find it painful even to spend an extra 50 cents on a packet of drink at the canteen when I can just stick with water.

My family dinners are usually eaten at home, or at hawker centres. Occasionally, my dad would bring us out to shopping malls that we don't frequent, but our food choice would always be the food courts. I remember being rather angry and upset for travelling so far just to have food court food, might as well eat from the coffee shop downstairs. I rarely visit restaurants, unless it is an important date, eg, birthdays and these restaurants cater much more to the lower-middle income consumers. Of course, I don't deny the fact that he brought us to very nice restaurants too.

Upon entering JC, I've met friends whose families spoil themselves on food, and they seem to be very street smart in this aspect. They know where all the good food are, and these "good food" has very nice prices too. Restaurants that I've never heard before became frequently mentioned and honestly, sometimes it's peer pressure that made me step inside. Price is a concern to me, as it can get quite taxing after a meal or two in these places. I also felt inferior as I was "ignorant" and I think my friends are quite sian when I tell them I have a certain budget and do not wish to eat in this and this place.. Furthermore, I don't want to be a spoilsport and demand to eat somewhere else cheaper. Another pressure I face is commenting on the taste of the food. I'm always quite careful to judge on whether a dish is nice because my tastebuds are kinda of a low standard. Honestly speaking, I'm more of a "eat to live" person than "live to eat", but I guess some of my friends are more of the latter.

Having said that, I still thank my friends for bringing me to many places, tasting different food and experiencing a different lifestyle. Although I feel pressurized at times, the above experienced describe is just 1/50 times we meet together. The other 49 units are just filled with joy. I do agree I still feel inferior in many aspects such as travel experience, closet size, curfew time, but I think it's all because of the tendency for humans to compare. To hell with comparison. I'm sure I have qualities my friends are jealous of (yeah? tell me it's more than just academics). To each its own.

If I gain nothing, will I still serve?

Hi friends! I've just completed a module of LDP for the last 2 days. And I woke up at 7am for the last two days. Round of applause.

For those who don't know, LDP is in short for "Leadership Development Programme", which is an initiative led by my church leaders to develop and groom the next generation of leaders (which is me!) to lead cell groups, or even something bigger. There are a total of 11 of us and most of them are my peers, like people I'm really close to. So we all grow together! I just wanted to pen it down to document this rather significant process of my life, and I can look back here in the future to be amazed at my speed of growth. And of course to critique my own writing..

(On a side note, I realise my post is filled with optimism. I don't know why I am so happy.)

A series of talk was planned for us, which includes our youth pastor, pastor elvis dad yong, and some important leaders in our church, that were ex-youths. Not to bore you with the details, the talks generally spoke about RCC's growth and cell history, and what were their roles in this growth. Some of these leaders shared about their personal experiences which I find guilty, because the "great" things that they did were when they were around 18. I'm turning 20 and I've done nothing! :O The horror.

After many talks, I found it meaningful to my growth as a Christian, and also as a potential leader. Right now,  I realised many things have to be done before stepping up and serving the youth. As I reflect, I am shocked to find myself in a situation where I asked myself, "why did I want to be a leader?" I can definitely answer that I want to serve, but what is the core of my serving? Who do I want to serve? What/who do I want to influence? Sadly, I do not have these answers yet. I believe this will be a journey for me to embark from now on.

Thankfully, after this module, I find myself getting more interested in joining the youth ministry as a leader, to use my influence and impact the lives of the next generation. It may the 2nd, 3rd generation Christians that are oblivious or numbed to the Word already. I am excited in how God will use me. As I've always heard people say to me, "要为主大大地梦想", the time has come. I hope in another year or even month's time, I will be able to find a vision and a core of my leadership in RYM.

If I gain nothing, will I still serve?
I don't know initially. But now, yes. Because I owe my life to Him. He pulled me out of the valley and I can never accomplish any of these without Him. I'm now just giving back. (I've enjoyed God's grace, so all sufferings long zhong come! hahahaha, ref to book of James.)

Don't give up!

I would say that I just had the most fulfilling sermon this year. Alright, maybe this was the one I paid my full attention to..

In short, it was mainly about acting out as a Christian. The takeaway for me was not to be a "NATO" (No Action Talk Only) Christian, which is very commonly preached. However, the pastor took on a different approach, or at least if felt different to me. 

After 2012 where the storm and the sea the shells has already passed, I start to feel a little dull in my spiritual life. There was nothing to look forward to, or nothing in danger to change. It was a calm day at the beach. I'm constantly reading His word, but I wonder if I truly, sincerely, eagerly wanting to, or it was just out of obligation. Today, thank God, the sermon put me back on track. The pastor was identifying groups of people, and I fell into the category of "Christian for a long time but not actively obeying His commands because we choose the easy things to do." Long list of descriptions. Then, he added, that by loving God more, we would me more willing to obey His commands ACTIVELY. (Chinese expresses better, 积极). I never really thought of that, but it's true. But you know, I'm quite a NATO and lazy person, so the word ACTIVE does not describe me at all. I love doing easy things, sometimes, I choose the easy way out.

Nonetheless, I was touched during prayer when the pastor said, "Don't give up." This is exactly what I need! When I try so hard to connect back to God, my mind always drifts off since the other side looks more interesting. I'm soooooo guilty of this but it's soooooo hard to change. I really wanted to give up at some point, but today refreshed me! I'm so glad. 

(Okay my thought process is breaking down soon so pardon the sentence flow)

Anyway, I attended my granduncle's funeral today. Can I tell you how much I dislike attending funerals? It's so solemn and depressing, you have to think twice before you smile. However, as a Christian, we understand that death is just a process, and death would also mean eternal life when Jesus comes again! How exciting! Of course, it is natural of us to mourn, just as apostle Paul said, but I really can't stand the depressing mood all over. It does not help when my granduncle's immediate family are non-believers (my granduncle is, a very cool one I think), and there were a lot of crying during the wake.

I've heard testimonies about him, and I am indeed touched by his perseverance in his faith. During the cremation, the thought of him not being able to meet his family in heaven struck me so hard, I started to tear. It suddenly dawned upon me that I carry the responsibility of sharing the gospel to my fellow Yongs. I am very sure my granduncle would love and hope for his children, grandchildren, to enjoy the sweetness of God's love, to meet them once again up there. Who wouldn't want the best for their child? I think this is the only thing I could have done for him, to repay his kindness showered on my dad after my grandfather passed on.. To be honest, I'm as scared and unwilling as hell. But hell is not a nice place to go. I really need God's strength to help complete this "mission" He has placed me in. It's not gonna be easy, it's not something in my comfort zone, but I MUST try.

Other than that, I'm also troubled by my university admissions. Having excellent results offers another set of good problems- What to choose. It's my choice and because I'll probably gain admission to any course I apply. Not boasting! 

Who am I

Last Friday assured my decision in Year One: To repeat or not.

I'm glad I did, and the results is also why I did. I obtained 4 distinctions with a B for GP. Unbelievable..

GP is the surprising one. Although I secretly wished that to ace it, my mind told me to be realistic. I did an almost philosophical question, a question that only the bishan and bukit timah JCs will do. "Is humour ever serious?" Seriously, I wrote that. After the paper, I told my friends about my attempt and their jaws just.. dropped. That made me feel so awful and I swear I would never want to see those expressions again. It made me doubt myself.

Buttttt, THANK GOD! People may think that it's luck, but no, it's God. I would never achieved such grades without his grace. There was a chance for me to go up on stage and collect my results from the principal. What honour, and a dream come true. This proves that nothing is impossible, and for those teachers who look down on retainees, IN YOUR FACE. Hahaha.

Nonetheless, I especially miss the times studying in the library, coming up with weird theories for entertainment with friends, trying to stay awake while mugging yadayada.. It was the process of long mugging hours that cultivated my perseverance, my independence and so on. While people will label me as "the retainee with 4 As", that is not something I want to be remembered for. That's sad actually. I want to be known as a friend who has helped her peers to study and achieve something more, a friend that motivated many to dream big, and a friend that encouraged many during the tough preparations. This means so much more to me.

I remember asking God in Year 1.5 to grant me good grades to glorify Him. How? By helping my classmates when they ask for help. Be patient and help them out in my stronger subjects. Be a friend they can turn to if they have any questions. Did I do it? Yes, I did, but I thought I could have done better. I'm an impatient person, and I do admit that I was annoyed by the influx of questions(at times only!) asked during my mugging time. I thought the time answering questions could be used for my OWN revision. How selfish yeah. But I learn, and I grow. While I thank God for my results, this is a chance for me to learn and grow to become better and selfless, to become more like Jesus.

Lastly, being on the honour roll does not change who I am. If I'm the girl struggling with sin, I am. If I am the christian that does not do qt, I am. Having distinctions will not score a special place in heaven above. I need to deal with whatever problems I have, no escape. I continue to pray that God will be help me to overcome the bad habits in my life.

Right now, I'm facing a good problem: choosing my primary degree. (I know many people would want to bash me!) I still love econs, but I have serious doubt on my ability to handle the mathematics. I am definitely torn between economics and sociology! However, I should stop walking in front of God. Let Him take the lead.

Meanwhile, I shall enjoy the 5 months left of an academic respite.

uncertain about the certain

This weekend was a rather fulfilling one as I learnt more about myself. At this age, I'm still shocked that there are parts of me that I do not know. 

Yesterday, I went over to jmh for rounds of SGS, something I would never thought I would do, because I told myself "I don't like card games". This proves a point about my character: I hate trying new things, but once I "reluctantly" try and I do like it, I'll like it much. 

I really want to get rid of this behaviour, the fear of something new. Something that may break my routine and what I know, something that will erase my control. I feel that this is something that would affect me in the future, especially my desired job is bound to have many risks taken. I'm too risk averse I guess. 

Afterwards, I had dinner with the couple and Nellis, and they started bombing me with questions. Haha, hilarious questions and yes I answered truthfully. Mostly about my past, what do I see in a guy, scandalous bits and pieces.. Well, we went to Salted Caramel for some ice cream and engaged in a super deep talk (which I super like)!

Anyway, I was asked about my future and I really thought hard. Do I really want to be an economist? As in, I thought I would be useful as an analyst but I guess I would hate numbers. Maybe predicting future economic outlook would seem pretty ok, manageable. Nellis was rather unsure and she ended off with hoping to just get a safe job, something easy, little risks, and live life. This shocked JM, and he went on saying we're still young to fail, and can afford to get back up again. Coming from someone who didn't take the desired track of Singapore education, I believed what he said. But I was still not convinced.

Because our system says a failure is a loser and people fear failing. It is not a nice feeling.

Being a "failure" myself, I still get this inferiority complex when I see my same-aged friends in uni now. Or even looking at my own friends in choir who are younger than me, but same grade. It sucks to feel that way, although I know they might not be any better than me. I am young, one extra year spent studying is no big deal, but why do I feel it is, even till now? It seems that a loser may be someone who did not go through conventional ways of an education path that has been laid out for the majority. Any deviation is an outlier, to be eliminated. 

I was also afraid of making mistakes, and not being the best with many others that are much better than me. Thankfully, the couple assured me that employers would want to find someone who is willing to learn, not a fresh graduate that thinks he know everything he has. Yeah, that makes sense. In this world, there are definitely more than a million people who are much better than me in every aspect, but I've just got to find that special something in me. It's not been found yet, but I will. It might be my passion and my clear directions and goals in life, idk.

Lastly, I made a list of my abilities and I hope to polish them! To better equip me for the future because I'm too damn scared.

1. I'm a fast learner

2. I'm hardworking. I see through things that I may or not like and makes sure I get it all right.

3. I'm straightforward (good and bad)

4. I'm vocal, not afraid of crowds, confident.

The Bad:

1. FEAR

2. Not able to put my thoughts into words exactly

3. Impatient/ Judgemental

4. Don't have something that I'm exceptionally good at (including language), maybe just undiscovered for now.

Put your angpow money into a washing machine and it will turn into a circular flow of income.

Today would be sort of a down and then an up day.

Went kc to coach and, I'm embarrassed. Made soooooo many mistakes and couldn't play the piano well. Most embarrassing thing is I called someone's name wrongly, and played a song in the wrong key.

Argh times like these I doubt if I was a good SL. In terms of technicality, piano playing, rhythm and learning notes. I can't sight read for nuts, and I'm bad at reading rhythm. Perhaps I demonstrate better than I teach.

Putting that aside, the ups of my day was meeting with the OA level potatoes excluding Amos. They went cycling and I met them for lunch after. We talked about many things under the sun, including potential partners and books. I told them I read to become someone that speaks after thought and sound intellectual! Haha. So, I told them about the book I'm currently hooked, Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman.

This book is actually a mixture of psychology and economics, and a church friend of mine used it as a material for his uni module. I'm like, YES, I LIKE IT, I'm going to SMU for sure. (ORLY)

To summarize, the whole book is about proving how humans often rely on intuition to make claims and it can be wrong at times, but goes to explain why we rely on intuition. I guess it is a book that zooms in to how the mind works, in layman terms.

I agree that this is a very very cheeem book, but definetely worthy of your time. Even though I understood only half, but I learnt bits and pieces there. Yay. Shall give you an example.

Kahneman wants to examine how we are fooled by our system 1, that is, automatic system, which is also our intuition, by this question.

How many pairs of animals did Moses take into the ark?



None. It was Noah who did it.

Lo and behold. If you got it wrong, just know that most people did. I did too. The book uses many psychological experiments to demonstrate this conflict that you have just faced.

Okay I have to admit this is only the tip of the iceberg, and I have not explained well. Most probably this is a little to cheem and "up-there" for me, but at least I learnt something and after 2 long months, I'm halfway there! Hiphiphurray.


Dinner time, looks at directory
Bertram: Eh we go Four Leaves la, sounds very nice.

All Things New

It's funny how I hated putting my thoughts into words in the past. I thought it was idiotic, for you'll never know who your readers are, or if there were any..

Some people blog to get readers, while others may try to exhibit what kind of glamour life, if not emo life they have. In any way, it's a rather self-centred move isn't it?

Maybe not such a strong description. You blog because you expect readers. You want people to know about your life. Or you are just lazy to pen it down, like me.

Okay fine, point is, I wanted to explain that I actually love attention. :O

This is a new blog, but not my first. The last minute I checked, my old (stupid) blog has around 500++ posts, starting from 2006 till last week. It's private because I'm embarrassed about my past, I'm not ready to embrace it. I was a bad-ass but some posts remind me of sad things which I think I'll be better off without. I still keep the blog for memory sake.

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I attended a job interview/briefing near bugis today. Cutting the VERY LONG story short, the job was to be a promoter and you basically earn per unit sold, and the commission is incredibly high. I was rather convinced, although skeptical, and even though I was cool with getting on with training, I could not stop mulling over its supposed benefits on the bus ride to church.

A little voice told me I should Google the company.

But I did not, I'm not sure why. I told myself I could always do after PM.

Annoyingly, this thing distracted me and I wasn't focusing at all. But God works in His wonderful ways. I am convinced of taking up the offer since it seemed like a good one and I could pay off my uni fees without having my parents to eat less. After what seemed like eternity, I was stunned by God's question.

"Do you trust me?"

Whoa, yes I do, but.. Trust is a funny thing. One moment you are so convicted but then the other you start to doubt why you ever trust in the first place.

Thankfully, with struggles and a conversation with God, I trust that I'll trust that I'll trust in Him. Oh yes I will.
Aaaand. I decided to 脚踏实地 and work diligently for what I deserve and be contended with sufficient.

Finally, after pm, I got to talk to Sean. He told me that this company had really bad reviews. EOS. 



Father: 为什么你读圣经不要开灯的？
Brother: Because God is light.