Life's gr8

Life is great!!!

I want to remember this phase of my life which God has blessed me with. I don't think it is by my own might or strength that things could work out so well but it is by the power of God. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve it at all but I constantly remind myself by declaring God's promises and His love in my life.

Hard to believe that things have changed so much in the course of a few months. When I declared that 2018 was going to be a better year, I only half-heartedly believed because my 2017 was already so great. But God is good and he delivers to me something I didn't even ask for. What!!

This is where the verse comes alive for me again - Seek first his kingdom and righteousness, and all these will be added to you.

Palm Sunday

Knowing what he'll have to go through, Jesus still passed the gates of Jerusalem 2000 years ago. Everyone, shouting excitedly, "Hosanna! Blessed in (our) King!", not knowing that they'll hurl insults at the same man 4 days later. They were all coming in with a different understanding of Jesus' Kingship.

Nonetheless, Jesus had a greater mission. He had to save the same people who crucified him. Images of his people floated in his mind. It was us, and he had to get the job done, no matter the amount of pain.

我的名字 刻画在你心中
我的脸孔 深印在你眼中
不是因为 我势力才能
乃是因着 你奇妙宽容恩典

My name is carved in your heart
My image is deeply present in your eyes
It's not because of what I can do
But is because of your amazing grace

How does a spirit-led mission trip look like?

Leading from the previous trip, I felt that the focus was on what can be done (impact) rather than letting the spirit lead. Both approaches are not wrong, but I wanted to experience what I’ve heard from other missionaries, like how the Spirit led them to speak with non-believers, people coming to Christ, etc. I wanted the team to be in tuned with the holy spirit a little more, although I did not know what that would mean.

At the end of the first day, I shared with the team how I needed to find the balance between being led by the HS, and the acts of our own hands. Thankfully, the very next day, God casted my doubts when I saw children attending our Sunday school, singing English worship songs like “10,000 reasons”. They were also joyfully dancing several other worship songs, some of which they barely understand. I saw that their hearts were simple and pure, obedient, innocent, joyful. God expanded my heart to love these children even more. In Mark 10:14, Jesus said “Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.” God reminded me that to enter into His kingdom, I would have to be like these children. Obedient, simple, innocent, joyful. This is truly a spirit-led mission trip. It does not have to translate into a quantifiable impact. My presence in the kampong lit up the atmosphere, and then in turn, the children became joyful and started praising God, while I am encouraged to love them even more after.

As we descended from the hill, some children ran after our car. Perhaps it was their way of having fun, or they really liked us. At that moment, I knew it was good that I came back for the third time, and I truly want to return many more times. Thank you Jesus, for giving me a heart for missions, and a heart to worship you through serving the children.

This can't be love

One of my favourite jazz standard is "This Can't Be Love", originally sung by Natalie Cole.

But my first contact with this song is hearing Diana Krall singing in a really chill yet upbeat way.

This can't be love, because I feel so well
No sobs, no sorrows, no sighs.

This cant be love, I get no dizzy spells
My head is not in the skies.

My heart does not stand still, just hear it beat.
This is too sweet to be love.

This can't be love, because I feel so well,
But still I love to look in your eyes.

I just thought it's really interesting how the lyricist classifies love using negative behaviours. Instead of singing "this is love because I feel so ______", it examines his/her own physical reactions to someone and then concludes that if there are no such physical sensations, then it is not Love.

But does it really hold true? I'm still trying to find out.

In the past year, I rarely get negative, down, and frustrated. Sad to say, I had my first outburst this past week.

I was suffering from a very sore vocal cords after teaching for 2 hours. The hit was quick - in an instant, I had to whisper to a class full of monkeys and that did not work well. I decided to take the next day off to rest my throat.

I was utterly disappointed at myself. My voice is (kind of) the bread and butter of my profession. Losing it means losing everything. I can't get to work, I can't attend worship practice, I can't sing for my Sunday vocal class.. I was entirely handicapped. This disappointment translated into many pieces of tissues that night. My mind was struggling to understand why something like this should happen to me. I even entertained the thought of quitting and went to jobscentral.com to do a quick search.

For the next 2-3 days, I was only awake for 6 hours out of 24. I slept so much that I incurred a headache, pfft. As it was nearing the weekends, my social media flooded with the many activities my friends were enjoying. This made me spiral deeper into my disappointment as I recalled that I had not socialize much for the last 3 weekends. Where were all my friends? It was then clear that I do not have friends. I'm fine. Because retrospectively, I haven't been a good friend to people. I have been selfish, self-righteous, prideful.. etc. My currency of friendship is convenience. 

Right now I'm just going through this process of self-blame and reflection. Idk why but my life has become more miserable since I've started working. It shouldn't be like this!! I've waited 16 years for this moment and you're telling me that earning money doesn't feel good??? I feel satisfied about the work I've done, but I'm miserable because people in the office seems to care more about the people outside than inside. Which means, I dont even know who they really are. Everything's just so perfect. Or superficial...

quarter-life

I realized I'm getting old when I said I rather nua at home on a Friday night.

Seems to me that I can't be bothered with what others think of me anymore, and in that sense, it's very liberating. To be yourself and not to be too concerned with the outward expressions. But it's bad in a way because I'm too lazy to put in effort into new friendships unless I could really connect with that person (case in point: Mich).

And at this age, I also can't be bothered if people see me having lunch alone, and I bet I didn't feel the same way 3 years ago. It feels good to be at a place like this :)

So nope, no crisis yet, and I thank God for finally bringing me into a good place in life where I appreciate every moment learning, growing, and maturing with excitement. Thank God for realigning my focus and priorities on ministry work, giving me enough strength, ability, and joy to do what needs to be done. So God, I'm just waiting for you to bring me into the next phase of my life, and you know what it is!

Pop the champagne!

Someone finally asked me the question: So is it over for you?

YES IT IS FINALLY OVER FOR ME.

I'm over whatever I have experienced for 1.5 years. 18 months! Goodness gracious me. I took way more time than I had wished for.

It really feels extremely liberating for the baggage to be released. I noticed that I smile more often, dance around more often, and very content with whatever I have now. Of course, I would argue that the whole experience has changed me on a whole new different level, but the happy-go-lucky pris is back. And I'm absolutely excited as to how things will proceed from here.

God is good. He has brought me out of the monstrous, depressing, and seemingly unending misery of the wilderness. I am so much more ready to taste the milk and honey prepared for me!