Balance

Lately i've been receiving news after news on marriage, pregnancies, new borns....

I looked back and allow myself to indulge in the happiness i once used to experience. However, i slapped myself awake and wonder. Are all these decision my pals are making a right one or not?

I must say i went through my fair bit of disappointments, anger, fustrations, of the decision i made 2 years ago. I struggled. At times, i still thought i would be better off alone, and happier! Yet of course, being a wife has brought my joy as well. It gave me a chance to give birth to a lovable little girl. Being a mother definately brought me joy and alot of fulfilling achievements.

There is a price to pay. Sacrifizes you have to make. Forgiveness you have to give. You have to be willing to tolerate. You have to accept the fact that, things change, people change. You have to keep learning everyday. It's not easy.

I always believe so long as there is love, nothing else matters. Love will pull us through. Love will make us stronger. And when you start to take each other for granted or no longer make an effort to create sparks, nothing works!

It's a balance. Yet, it takes more than just effort to create balance. Takes more than just talk, more than just expecting.

When Communication Breaks Down

What do you do when you know someone close to you, your loved ones, are facing a rough patch in their marriage???

You console them, talk to them, advice them, share your own real experiences with them and hope that they will change their mind and think again.

When it comes to my own marriage, i never knew how to handle or maintain. But i'm not ashame of seeking help or advices from others. And thank god, Thomas and i are still walking down life's journey hand in hand.

I then give advices (that i got from others) to people who turn to me or need them. However, this time, i failed. I do not know how and what to do to help this couple (family) who meant so much to me. I just hope both of them can sit down and talk things out, as i believe through proper communication we gain understand. Through understanding we gain trust. Through trust we gain more love which is the foundation to build and maintain a family (marriage).

You know It When

You know he loves you and is trying his best when....

- he tries his best to make you laugh

- he allow himself to act silly and be like a fool just to earn a smile on your face
- he picks you up even when he is extremely tired

- he makes sure you've cash in your wallet every working day

- he texts you to remind you to have lunch

- he insist with a kiss when he drops you off work
- he drives into the bus lane just to catch your bus for work
- he loves cooking for you
- he calls to say he misses you
- he tells you that no matter what happens you'll still have him
- he says thank you for giving him such a beautiful daughter
- he hugs you from behind
- ... ... ... ... ... ....

Above all, you know he loves you when he is trying his best to provide for you.

Thank you, love!

What's The Point?

Sometimes, when you sit and look back in your life, you realised alot of things, alot of decisions could turn out or be made differently. Yet again, what's the point of looking back? When we can't even turn back time or change it?

I think my life's rollercoaster is going on the down side now. It's taking my breathe away and also scaring the hell outta me! And i desperately wish i could get outta it and be on safe grounds immediately.

I start to question myself. Why? Why make decisions like that? Why have i even choosen this path? Why do i wanna put myself in such misery? Why can't i just let it go? Why was i so blinded? So many whys... Yet so few answers...

I've got so many things in my mind. So many 'secrets' that i need to share. So many doubts to clear. So many questions to ask. So many... So many... But, there's noone there!

And what's next?

My best console - When i hug my darling Shannon and talk to her, tearing over everything, she gave me a sweet smile and held my hands tight! (Does she really understand? Or was it just a coincidence?)

Welcome, Shannon!

This is how we welcome 2010!!!

Name: Koh Jia Hui, Shannon
DOB: 01/01/10
Time: 1111hrs

Birth Weight: 2.74kg
Height: 46cm
HC: 33cm

FYI, Shannon rank #21 within the whole of Singapore! ;p

Happy Holidays!

When the jingle bells ring, i know its time we reflect, bid the year goodbye and prepared to welcome another new year. For me, it holds another special meaning - to celebrate another marriage year with hubby.

2009 marks our 1st wedding anniversary. We faced alot of challenges through this year. From good to bad to worst, but i guess whats important is, at the end of the day, we both find the way back into each other arms again. Its not easy i must say. There are times when we break each other's heart, got really upset and disappointed with each other, scream our heads off, swear at each other with every word we had in our dictionary, etc etc. But there are also times when we cant bear to leave each other even for just a few hours, when we'll do silly things just to see that smile or hear the laughter, when you know we meant the whole world to each other, etc etc.

1 year being married, i must say i've learnt and grown alot. Knowing that i'll be welcoming 2010 being a mother, added stress and responsibilities, no doubt. But i guess, along the way, i'll learn, we'll learn. I can't guarantee, i'll be the best mum as well as the best wife for both my daughter and husband, but i'll do my best. Not forgetting, i'm trying my best to be a filial daughter to my parents as well.

I feel and know that i've let many down over the years, including myself. But i always tell myself, it's not the end and these are just temporary setbacks. I might avoid, might take a longer time to succeed, to repent or to make my mark again, but i wont resent. I'll hang on!

In the upcoming year, i've new roles to play, at the same time alot of things/tasks i would love to accomplish. I don't know if i can fulfill my list, but i'll be trying very hard. I don't ask of everyone's understand and support. But would love if my loved ones will stand by me and support me.

As i aged, i realised i yearn for things that most people my age wont. I don't ask for the indulgance in luxury, i don't need the attention from everyone, i don't fight for a stand or authority. What i yearn for is priceless. That is, more time with my family, more connection with my loved ones and more appreciation to the people and things surrounding me. Very old i might seemed, but when you've had enough of time busted and passed the phase of only living for yourself, you know the smile and laughter , well-being and happiness of your loved ones are utmost important - something that you'll fight and risk your life for.

To all my readers, what has 2009 brought you and what will you want your life chapter of 2010 be like? Will there be a history, you can sit by your grandchildren in future and be proud to share?? I know i would love to make history that someday in future, my grandchildren will be proud to share... ... ...

Have a great and enjoyable holiday!

POPing!

Alrightie, 10 more days to go... ... ...

Do keep a lookout for annoucement next week!

"See you, aunties and uncles!"

I CAN'T WAIT!!! (To get rid of the load!)

Coming Soon

Oh... I actually had my first feel of contraction a few days ago. Once in the morning. These are fake contractions (Braxton Hicks contractions), according to books and my gynea, this is suppose to prepare you for the real labour. Oh god! I really can't imagine me going into labour, trying to concentrate on breathing and push, push, PUSH!!!

Hubby is getting really excited as days passed. Shannon is arriving in about 9 weeks time. And again, according to most mummies, we should be expecting Shannon earlier since it's out first birth. Dr. Kee 'warned' us that Shannon can POP anytime after X'mas. Oh... I hope she doesn't arrive on our Wedding Anniversary day (31 Dec), please. I want her to be a January baby! ;p

I'm really starting to worry if i can really do the 100% natural birth plan. I hope i can! Really don't like the idea of having any other sorts of medications or needles poking into my body! And worst, i really didn't wanna face any after side effects. Just hope...

Hubby keep reassuring me that he'll be by my side to support me. I know he's being sweet. But i do also wish he can experience the pain together with me as well... Whahahaaha~~~

We're both looking forward... ... ... ... :D

Back In Shape

I need to go back to this size, desperately!!!!!!

Counting down... ... ...

9 more weeks to go... ... ...

*Fingers crossed. I hope i don't eat as much as i do now after delivery. Oh please, everyone do help me okie???!!! ;p

Till then, see you guys... :D

Infant Care

At the beginning of my pregnancy, i was very determine to be a stay-at-home-mum (SAHM). I strongly believe in being there for my baby for as long as i can throughout her growing years. Yet lately, i'm comtemplating in sending my girl to infant care after 6 months from birth. And i would love to step foot out there again to pursue my dreams to build my career path.

A part of me really wish to be a SAHM so that my baby will be given the best care and attention. Yet another part of me would love to 'find' myself, do what i would love to do.

I'm not sure if i'll be making a right decision to send her to infant care, or will i regret in future. I'm not sure if being a SAHM will be more satisfying or???

.................................................... (Just some thoughts i'm pondering over now. Nothing serious!)

Soon...

There is actually nothing much to blog about lately... Except that, i'm done with my 3 weeks temporary assignment and have earned some monnies to buy more stuffs for Shannon. :)

I'm almost 30 weeks through my pregnancy now. And all has been well, except for the fact that, Shannon is MORE active than before. I'm experiencing minor heartburns. Of course, the back aches and occasional headaches. Not forgetting the leg cramps! This, is terrible. Remember one night, i woke up screaming in pain. It was soo painful i can't even move my legs! And hubby has to wake up and massage for me while i slowly doze off to dreamland again... *bliss*

And oh yah, i just learnt how to differentiate when is Shannon moving and kicking (playing) and when is she having hiccups! Haa!! Quite fun though. Now, her kicks are getting more intense and painful. Not all the time. But during those times when it's painful, you can see me jump up with a fright or a sudden 'OUCH'! Haa!! Amazing?? Yes, i won't deny. Yet sometimes... It's too.... IRRITATING. Especially, when i wanna sleep or concentrate on doing other things.

Hubby enjoys being amused by all sorts of things Shannon can do now. He likes to wake her up (which in turn, wakes me up too), get her to do silly stuffs and then ignore her and he, goes to bed himself. Leaving both Shannon and i pretty much awake!

What makes everything worthwhile, is the glow and smile on hubby's face and knowing that Shannon will be physically in both our arms in no time...

Left Alone

Very often, we overlooked people or things around us. People that we've, things that we've. We want everything and everyone to do things or follow our ways...

Well, I must admit i'm guilty of these!

Yet, somehow life after marriage has changed me drastically. I put my loved ones before myself, I cherish and treasure time i've with them. I know, there's no such thing as ''we've a whole lifetime together''...

But very often i'm being neglected and left all alone by people who claimed they care and love me most...

Am I really asking for too much???

The Pain Still Lingers

Ahma, can you still hear me???

在细汉的时阵阮阿嬷对我尚好甲尚好的东西拢会留乎我伊嘛定定带我去幼稚园看人在七桃看人在办公伙儿

看人在觅相找伊定定跟阮说 叫阮着要好好仔读册呒通大汉像恁老爸仔彼呢啊狼狈ㄛ在彼个时阵　阮拢听拢呒阿嬷 你到底是在讲什么

大汉了后　才知影阿嬷的话我会甲永远永远放块心肝底想到一步一步的过去定定拢会乎人真难忘时间一分一秒块过去在阮的心内定定拢会想到伊

阿嬷你今嘛在叨位阮在叫你你甘有听到阮的认真甲阮的成功你甘有看到阮在叫你你知影没

阿嬷你今嘛过的好么甘有人块甲你照顾希望后世人阮搁会冻来乎你疼作你永远的孙仔搁叫你一声阿嬷

想到一步一步的过去定定拢会乎人真难忘时间一分一秒块过去在阮的心内定定拢会想到伊

Exactly what i've repeatedly kept saying to her in my heart. Except for the part, asking if she has seen my success. Which in fact, i've yet succeed in anything in life. I remember my last conversation with her, i still lied to her telling her that, yes i'm working when she asked me about it. But i don't have a job at all, to start off with.

I was scared. I couldn't accept the fact that i've lost her suddenly. I didn't wanna admit and face it. I couldn't even see her for the very last time. Deep down, everyday at her wake, i didn't like it when i see her picture. I just can't accept it.

Yet on the day of her funeral, the pain was so sharp, so strong that till today, it still lingers in me. I didn't know that i actually loved and missed her alot. And that day when we were at the temple, bidding our last goodbye, i saw my grandpa's picture beside hers. I cried even harder. The pain was so overwhelming. I do actually missed both of them ALOT.

Then i realised... I don't think i can accept any of my other loved ones leaving me. Again. Though i know one day people will sure go... But somehow, i wish i don't have to go through this pain again. And as silly as i can be, i wish i would go before any of them...

Oh... Time Flies!

Just when i was soundly asleep exceptionally early, my hubby has to repeatedly call me soooo many times to check what am i up to and if i needed supper! OMG!!! I wanted to kill him then. Haa. Because the problem with me, i won't be able to get back to sleep once i am awaken. I need to be up by 630am later. See, now i'm still so awake! I don't know what to do.

Worst, i'm constipated. We forgot to top-up our 'laxatives' from my gynea last week. Till now, i still have problems poo-ing, even after i've tried all means. I swear i ate lotsa fresh fruits, drink plenty of water, etc etc. But still no signs. Driving me nuts just thinking of ways to make myself poo!

I'm over and done with my 2nd trimester. Time flies, huh?! I'm actually quite excited now. The thought of having just 3 months left before my baby girl POP, is making me quite anxious. I don't know how will it be like after that. I'm definately looking forward to it, though.

Being in my 3rd trimester, means i'm feeling soo soooo soooooo much heavier! I feel really clumsy and BIG. Though, i was reassured that i didn't grow very much in size, BUT i still FEEL BIG! I hope physically i wont grow any bigger. "Shannon, please eat and drink whatever mummy eat and drink so that she'll not grow fat!" Did i mention we're going for a pregnancy photoshoot sometime in November? Yes, we're. Will upload photos of me personally then.

My back is really experiencing the pressure now. I can't sit, stand or even lie down for too long. I can't eat like nobody's business now, because it causes me to feel bloated and uncomfortable. So now, i take alot of meals but in small portions. I drink lotsa water, cause most of the time i feel thristy. And... I didn't had fish throughout my whole 2nd trimester cause it just makes me wanna puke. Come to think of it, i LOVE fish before i was pregnant! Haa!

On the side note, marriage has been bittersweet. Hubby and i had our fair share of happy times, tearful moments, disagreements, 'cold-wars', etc etc. Sometimes, he made me really upset and disappointed that i was sooo despair and really have doubts. Yet every single time, he has his ways to snuggle right up into my arms again. (I've got a big baby, man.) We still have alot to learn from each other, alot to compromise and alot of issues here and there for us to resolve. Not mentioning, we've got another challenge coming her way. But i guess, everything will find its own way. Let's just hope for the best.

If

If i've a choice, i would love to re-live my adulthood again. I would make decisions i wouldn't have made, i wouldn't have made mistakes i've made. I would ensure whatever i do, i wouldn't have regretted. I would do alot of things in different ways.

If only i've a choice...

Now... It seems like, i don't have a choice, except to live on and make the best outta my life.