"Foot Notes

Heavy foot steps...

Uncertainty in brains...

Low moral trailing...

Judgement overrules by emo...

Denial...

Refusal to accept truth...

To overcome all of the above... Possible in the shortest time?

放空的时候

It's a quiet CNY this year. No difference from the past 3 years. Alot of things had since changed. Personal life, work and family. Was it a wise choice that I have chosen? I do not know...

Things I want to say, want to ask can't be written like an essay. All kept in thy heart. Sometimes I feel certain things are best left unsaid unless changes can be made or it will be changed which I know it can't be done then what's the point of saying so much. As much as I'm not happy, but I know once I get round  it, I would be fine. Certain things I cant accept doesn't mean I wont in future but possibility of me accepting is difficult. I would rather give it up if it's causing me too much pain. Why want to make my own life as well as others' life difficult. I know my selfishness too well. It's only me, just me, one and only. I don't like to share at certain point.

I can only hope... without hope I do not even dare to thread further...

Just thinking

I have been confused? Not convinced? I have nvr worried abt wat's coming up next cos someone will always be there to tie up the loose ends somehow. This time round altho I have made a big blunder and causes issues that needs to be ironed out. Is that what i really wan?

Past 4 years I have been relying to much. And now do I still be able to cope and get up all by myself? Be it is personal, financial, physical and emotional. Now I'm really worrying. Cos I know certain things will nvr be the same again and everything have to be done all by myself.

On the 25th Dec 2011, Dar said " You will nvr regret your decision". I really hope I wont. There's a lot of things you probably wont know yet. Not that i'm not ready to say but you will not be ready to digest it. U have only seen half a side of me. The full side of me is very demanding. Now is I worried you can cope anot. The way I'm living is oreadi a "disaster"... I always nvr have to worried abt that. Now I'm worry... It doesnt have to be the same but at least constancy that I need...

Haizz...

Ending it...

I have finally said my piece and end it. But not sure if he could take it. I dunno if he would try any more ways just to win me back. All I can say everything is futile now.

Yes, I have changed but for the better. My only wish is that my new chapter will give me the hope and things that I have been looking forward to. I have no clue what I've gotten myself into... or maybe I have a little bits and pieces here and there... I'm just so weary... tired... I need a good break, re-focus and new resolutions need to be made.

Random thots...

Things had gone awfully wrong. Was that a blunder that I had made?

Deep down I can't get the kind of  assurance, security and stability I need. I asked certain question, I was told that I'm 无聊 and wan to win. :( I can't stay with someone who keeps to themselves for long. It just get on my nerves. Izzit so difficult to answer my question?

I tend to show the happiness, kept the unhappiness within myself. I know. But wat else can I do... Sometimes it's really best to just shut up totally. I can nvr outtalk anyone...

When I wanted it that way, u couldn't give. When I dun wan it anymore, u could give ur all...

I left the place with my heart shattered into pieces... I really dunno how to fix it back. It hurts so badly that I just wan to let go... holding back my tears...

You just dunno how fragile my heart is...

Hurt...

It hurts so badly to turn down each time. But it seems that it's not within my grasp. Why should I keep carrying on? It will only hurt even more. I do not understand why it has to be like that. Do I have a second choice? I thot it will not be the same but it had shown me it's still the same. If it's gonna be the same result, then I should let it go. Cos that's not the result I wanted.

Honestly, I do not want to let go... but I do not want to be hurt, get hurt or hurt others... things just dun go the way  I want. What should I do...

Why cant you just try harder to convince me, why when I said so, you just go along with me... I just feel so contradicting with myself. My heart say yes but brain says no... I dun wan to be so rational!! I just want to follow my heart... My heart just cried... cos I didnt listen to it... It really hurts badly now...

The 3 Cs...

Convince, Confuse, Concuss.... Unable to convince myself in the first place, let alone overcome what is needed. Knowing running away and seeking shelter from another is definitely not the solution but else than that, I dunno what to do. At least for now I'm quite clear about that.

Both are not what I'm looking for and what I'm looking at. It's kinda depress to hear from the horse's mouth that "i'm like this, I'm like that..." What if I say I wan it this way? The reply would probably be "too bad..."

This one whole week was quite a struggle within myself.... I dunno how to react, dunno how to act, dunno what to say. Disappointment is once again and again. How long is this going to continue unless I harden myself and turn down all. Shut myself once again from the hurt. I know I'm going take a freaking long time to be out in the open again.

Why men are often so selfish... wont you just change a little for the sake of your love one. I understand the saying "Accept for who I am..." but not even the slightest change? Then what's the point of me adhere to your lifestyle. That's not me either.

I LIVE THE WAY I WANT IT!

I'm pretty sure my final decision is gonna hurt not one, not two but 3 person in total... cos you are not the way I wan it unless you can convince me that why I should accept for the way you are...

No surprise, no romance, no gentleness, no self-auto ARE EQUAL to please get out of my life. I cant live w/o that to be honest.

TREAT ME LIKE A LADY AND NOT A NECESSITY!!!