Soar!

"An eagle doesn't learn to fly... to "soar on the wings of an eagle" until it's practically starved. It isn't just a thrill ride. It isn't just a hobby. It's a necessity, a life or death decision" ~Chet Cromer

To Fly Like An Eagle

Oh the things we can learn from nature.

Read this compelling post by Chet Cromer (citing Frances Hamerstron).

Read it slowly....breathe through it and feel the weight lift from your shoulders as you begin to understand with me....that our desire to let our adult children soar must include "allowing [our] offspring to hunger--to even suffer."

Read it twice...or more until the peace seeps into every pore; "the eaglets first flight is not the same as the full grown eagle. It involves falling out of the nest, trying out the wings before untested, and eventually, a crash landing."

Read it with joy as you discover that while you can NOT SOAR for your adult child, you CAN be the wings beneath his/her wings!

Claiming it a GOOD day!

Dear Son,

Good Morning!

How conflicted I feel about even saying GOOD! Oh, don't get me wrong, I believe and am grateful that life IS good...it's the 'not fair' part that gnaws at my soul.

I wonder if my relentless struggle isn't due to the fact that I do not believe---really believe the universal truth that I have spoken so many times: Life is not fair. Oh, it's good advice for everyone else, but I seem to be pouting when it's happening to me. ;)

I've seen bumper stickers, "Sh*t happens."

If I HAD a bumper sticker...it would say, "Life happens!"

It's a control issue that drives my anxiety. I have learned throughout my life that if I just work hard enough, be good enough and pray hard enough...that....life--GOOD LIFE HAPPENS!

Now in the mid-life years of my life, facing the most important struggle for your life, I am tempted...no, I am compelled to do what I have done all of my life. And yet, I cannot overlook the wisdom of the very real fact: what I have been doing is NOT working for us. I now know the reason, I have been crossing your personal boundaries by controlling every detail of your life. I have been wrong in believing that you must make choices that align with MY choices. You are an adult; you have the right to make decisions that differ from my own. Please forgive me for 'being in your face!' I want, only, to be in your heart!

Oh the wisdom of the ages: If you live long enough (and are lucky enough) you WILL discover that we CAN "Take control of our consistent emotions and begin to consciously and deliberately reshape our daily experience of life. (Tony Robbins)

I'm reining them in today and claiming it a GOOD day!

Yes, the future is uncertain.

Yes, I have no control over the decisions you will make.

But, I can reshape my interactions with you--so we can restore our relationship.

I can challenge my carved-in-stone-belief system to make room your rights to be an adult.

I can shift my need to control and hand it over to One who created and loves you and me!

I can lift my laser-beam focus on those maddening things I cannot control, and see the delight in all of my daily experiences of life!

It IS a very GOOD day!

So on this very GOOD day, I am sending you blessings of love, promise, and a prayer of one of my all-time favorite verses:

"I pray above all things that you may prosper and be in health even as your soul prospers. ...I know the thoughts and plans that I have for you, says the Lord, thoughts and plans for welfare and plans for welfare and peace and not for evil to give you hope in your final outcome" (Jer.29:11)

Make it a GOOD day Son!

In Progress

Dear Son,

As I awake to another day of hope-filled anticipation, I drag my weary body out of bed and will myself to wake up. The emotions of the last few weeks are taking their toll.

Turning the lights on would be an offense to my burning eyes. The early morning newscasters are reading their teleprompters, giving me a weird sense of comfort--yes, the world continues on even though I've been left behind.

My waking thoughts were of you my son; how are you doing today, what are you thinking, what are you feeling? Today is a day 'off' from your intensive schedule and I pray you will be rejuvenated by the break.

These breaks cause fear in my "I'm-making-progress-on-NOT-controlling-every-detail-of-your-life" heart! I fear the scheduled break will tempt a more permanent unscheduled break. I fear the day off will tempt the commitment you have made. How can there be a break in an intensive program. There are no breaks in the all-consuming need....that THIS! MUST! WORK! Whether awake or asleep, the desire for this life-changing process to work never takes a break!

Someone has said, we must control our fears--they must not control us; was it Dr. Phil? Maybe Oprah! I think the real quagmire with fear is that while we should address it, it must not direct us.

So as I stumble through these first moments of this challenging day, I am reminded of the words of someone I DO know: "FEAR NOT!"

Psalm 91:4-6

⁴ He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

⁵ You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,

⁶ nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Romans 8:15

For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father."

I Peter 3: 13-15

¹³Who is going to harm you if you are eager to do good? ¹⁴But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. "Do not fear what they fear; do not be frightened." ¹⁵But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect"

Dear Abba Father...hear my prayer. Let me walk through this day, where I am tempted to fear, by trusting in YOU. Be my strength. Thank you for loving me enough to know me...really know me...and provide a way to peace and confidence when I am surrounded by the terror of my own thoughts. Thank you that I can find refuge in the shelter of your faithfulness. Thank you that I can find your strength each time I am weak. May others see my weakness and see your strength...for then, I will surely "boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me" YOUR grace is sufficient for me! (2 Corinthians 12:9)

My son, God's got our backs! He knows our frailties and has provided a way through every fear we (maybe just me!) may have! He loves you! He loves me! "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear" (I John 4:18 a); ahhhhh, do you feel the confidence and peace son?

I have nothing to fear for this day! May it be a day of rest and relaxation, a day of confidence and peace, knowing that you are in the process of a miracle! My Miracle In Progress....I love you!

We're in the same boat Son

Dear Son,

What an exhaustive day. Was it as difficult for you as it was for me?

I realized yesterday, that one can become exhausted by gratitude! The gratitude I felt as I listened to you tell the truth was all consuming. Thank you for being honest; thank you for fighting through the temptation to do what comes naturally-to hide the truth.

You are advocating for yourself son; how that makes my heart skip (several) beats!

As I heard you share from the bottom of your heart while painting a picture of what you are going through, I could hardly believe my ears. It is what I had prayed for--oh...me of little faith!

And yet, (there's that three letter word again), my hope was dashed as I heard the intake Doctors recommend an intensive, outpatient 5 Day a week Day Program and NOT INpatient treatment. There I go again, trying to micro-manage the outcome. This yielding is a multi-layered onion! Instead of feeling joy for the peace in which you delivered your story, I was fighting the temptation to stand up and yell--WHAT ARE YOU THINKING! HE NEEDS IN-patient treatment!

But (another important three letter word), I will choose to follow your lead as you follow the recommendation of the Psychiatrist and Psychologist. You have aligned yourself with an empowering team of professionals; you have committed to do the work. I will choose to set aside the micro-managing tendencies and FEEL the joy of your decision.

Thank you for bringing me along on this journey of restoration. Thank you for not giving up on your mid-life mama who finds it difficult to change her ways--even when I realize my ways have not worked. It seems we are both in the same boat--we are both beginning the process of changing what has NOT worked.

As you begin to understand the why of what you do, I will begin to uncover the issues that drive me to NOT let you discover your own path. Oh--I know what those issues are...for they are screaming at me--DO SOMETHING!

Resistance to change can be our friend and I choose to hear the message and reframe it. Yes, it's easier to do the familiar things. For they have provided a short-term sense of relief. Still, when we continue to do the quick fix things that only cause more damage--it is time to STOP.

For you--the quick fix coping mechanisms cause risk to your health and well-being--to your very life. For me--the quick fix coping mechanisms cause further confusion and increased chaos. How much more clear can it be....we both have work to do!

After wanting a common bond with you for such a long time, I am stunned to find THIS common bond. Isn't it ironic! Isn't it amazing! Whatever IT is, I am so thankful to be in the same boat with you my son...let's power up stream together!

It's the DOING that's hard...

Dear Son,

As I wait for your 1:30 pm appt today the anxiety I feel is growing. Growing--it's about to implode.

Every nerve ending is raw...every breath I take...shallow. Who knew those child birth breathing classes I took so long ago would be revisited this day.

The urgency I feel is desperate. Every thought is filtered through a lens of panic.

How do I do what I have committed to do?

Oh--I've made my solemn promise, for it's what a mother does. Still, the promise must have some strength behind it--I'm searching for that strength.

This appointment is monumental--thank you for making it.

As I prepare to support you and not micr0-manage you, I don't even know what to wear! It seems I have no doubts when I am in charge--when I am not--I flounder.

I want to dress appropriately--I want to dress to represent the desperate need for this to work.

Where will I sit? Is there a corner where I can sit invisibly until the time is right to say JUST the right thing to support...not demand.

There's that control thing again son....I have more yielding to do.

I want to speak words that will be heard clearly--cannot be misunderstood or manipulated. But even that desire is a need to control the outcome. It feels so strange to DO the work of yielding...for the risk is so great.

I have more yielding to do son.

My heart aches as I lose a connection with you--an unhealthy one for sure--but a heartstring connection. As the years have gone by, we have settled into a unhealthy rhythym of interactions. Interactions that kept us connected--even though unhealthy. Today, I must DO things differently and experience yet another loss. But I now understand that those unhealthy connections are not lasting connections--for they only cause further collateral damage. You resent me, I try harder. The harder I try to control, the more resentment. I just want to be your Mom...not your jailer. I just want to be your Mom, not your Dictator. I just want to be your Mom.

So I will DO what I've committed to DO. No matter how hard or unfamiliar it will feel. I have lived long enough to understand--resistance to change is not reason enough to NOT change.

I'll be taking my anxiety to my watchtower....the greatest of my anxiety? That this appointment will not bring about what I so desire. Yes, son, your Mom is struggling to let you go....it's what a Mom does. And yet, I will do this so that you can return to me as the young man I know you can be. I will do this because I know that God is in control...and desires that you will one day discover His purpose for your life.....for all of the pain....for all of the struggle....for all of His glory.

If I am struggling this morning, I can only imagine what you are feeling. You are at the precipice of a major shift son and you are no doubt feeling greater anxiety than even your Mom. I will pray for you as I go to my watchtower this morning--I will pray for us both--for the strength to DO what is so hard.

I love you.

It's What A Mom Does!

Dear Son,

You are my gift; you are my son.

Yet (how that three letter word speaks volumes), you are an adult--you are responsible for your own decisions, behaviors, actions--your own life.

For many years, I couldn't separate where a Mother's responsibilities ended and yours began.

For many years, I struggled to change....what was only yours to change.

Today, as we face yet another firey explosion of shock and awe...I remind myself of my role in your life. I don't want to get in the way as I once did--micro-managing your life to the point of resentment, advocating to the point of mutual exhaustion and softening the blow of the consequences that prevented you the opportunity to learn from the pain.

It's not easy son; it's nearly impossible. Your recent actions have stunned us; they are violations of the heart that your Dad and I never imagined possible. The details are not important--that you have done them is what matters. The reasons don't matter for they are part of the problem. It is a cycle of justification that will take us nowhere. I will not ask.

Because you are my son, I will walk behind you as you choose to seek help. I will no longer lead the way and drag you with me--thinking you are making progress.

Because I love you, I will pray for you as you choose which direction you will take for your future. I will no longer define your future--thinking that moves you towards it.

Because you are my son, I will respect your right to make a decision different from my own. I will no longer cross your personal boundaries and demand that you choose my way.

Because I love you, I will support you when you asked. I will no longer press up against you and nudge you each step of the way...I will joyfully follow your lead towards restoration.

Because you are my son, I will always be here for you when you need me. I am your mother son--it's what mother's do! But I will no longer wait for that little boy of my Kodak moments, I will wait for the man you will one day become.

Because I love you, I will be your loudest cheerleader! I will no longer do for you, those things you can do for yourself. For I have discovered when I have done this in the past, I have subconsciously told you, I didn't think you could do it. I KNOW YOU CAN DO THIS MY SON, YES! I KNOW!

Because you are my son, I promise to do what seems impossible. You deserve this son...you deserve to discover your path and share it with whomever you invite. I want an invite--oh yes I do--but I now understand it is your choice--not a familial obligation.

This is my solemn promise to you my son--one that is at risk of being broken--by my mother's heart. I may need more time to convince my heart what my head already knows--this is your life..not mine. I will be joyful for your successes and will grieve for your losses, but I will no longer swoop in and try to fix or enhance or advocate or.....or.....or.....or!

While you are navigating your journey towards restoration, I will be charting my own path that will prepare me for your return. I will become stronger and I will remove the remnants of those stumbling blocks that have gotten in our way before. It's what Mom's do son! You are my gift, my beloved son, I want to cherish that gift--not tarnish it.

I will yield you to your Creator...the Giver of all blessings. In His wisdom, my son, he brought you to me; I want to follow His will for the plans He has for all the days of your life--not my will. For He created you, He chose you for me. It will be my unending prayer as I await--all the days of my life if I must--that you will chose His will for your life and walk towards the purpose He has designed for this moment...and each moment of your life. May you discover what I have discovered, when we give our pain to God...He is faithful to bring glory!

You will not be alone my son; look for me, I will be nearby cheering you on as I stand on the watchtower of prayer....surrendering you again and again. It's what a Mom does!

Dear Son,

As your Dad left for work this morning, he greeted me in the kitchen with a smile on his face and a song in his heart as he announced, "today is a very good day!" "Why," I asked through my early morning fog? "Because today is the day we begin our new life with our son!"

An interesting perspective. Set aside the fears of your return home after 30 days in New Seasons, the anxiety that lies deep within over the triggers that you will face upon returning to your usual life, the worry about whether or not the Day Treatment you will take part in will be the right fit. I must stop tackling the fears, the anxiety, the "what if's" and focus on the certainty found in Psalm 118: 24, "This is the day the LORD has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it."

As deep as our emotional investment in you is son, our faith in our LORD must be greater. Your Dad is right. As this day approached, I nearly missed the opportunity to "rejoice and be glad." I was busy quietly worrying about so many things. The "what if's" of worry silence the "WOW's" of rejoicing!

So as I prepare your room for your arrival late tonight, your Dad has reminded me to prepare my heart for your future! THIS is the day that our LORD has made.....I will rejoice and be glad in it. I will rejoice for the good work He has begun in our lives. I will be glad for the pain of this journey--yes, I am glad for the lessons learned through our pain. Thank you God for meeting us at the brokenness of our hearts and for leading the way to complete healing!

Son, you are a gift from God. And He has gifted our entire family with this season of healing, for this I rejoice, for this I am so glad! As I sit before my computer, I sit on the edge of a miracle in progress--I will not surrender to my human emotion, I will honor this process by sitting before the Throne of God, not the edge of despair. How my heart rejoices because of who God truly is, how His promises are sure, and His love never ending.

THIS is the day the LORD has made just for you son, just for us. Let us rejoice and be glad in it. All fears subside, all anxiety disappear....when we focus on this day....this very day...that the LORD has made just for us.

WOW! What a day!

With Love, Your Mom

Dear Son,



From the moment I knew of your impending birth 25 years ago, I was engulfed by a desire and commitment to love you, protect you and care for you. When you love a child, commitment plays an important foundational role in all of our actions. While most times we are compelled to act, I have learned that at other times, following through on a commitment is not easy and of late has simply been painful. I originally believed that making the commitment to "let you go" would be the most difficult decision of my life; I have since discovered that maintaining that commitment will be harder. Still, the words that you shared with us this weekend during family therapy have eased the struggle and strengthened our resolve--for we have discovered that you truly understand and have accepted the challenge that we have released into your capable hands. You wrote:

Commitment means to me that I am 100% ready to do whatever it takes to achieve the end project of my goal. Take what you like to do and put 200% into that goal, whatever it may be. Commitment is important to my recovery because I need to put 200% into making sure I take care of myself and stop putting so much worry into helping others. I know it is not bad to help people but people that are not your friends or people you don't even know and probably don't deserve it...I must stay away from!

Commitment is a very important thing in my life even though I sometimes don't show it...but no one is perfect. Commitment is confusing sometimes because if there is something that you don't want to do and it is hard to commit 100%, I don't want to do it. It is hard to commit. This is one of my problems. I have been learning a lot of tools and methods to help; like the mindfulness groups and DBT groups--ways and right times to use your wise mind, reasonable mind and emotional mind. Like, for my new medication, I was 100% committed on switching but now after taking it, I throw up every morning. I am having a hard time committing to that! But I am very committed to getting myself in the right mind and making good choices, so I am meeting up with the Doctor to see what my choices are.

Son, how proud we are of you! I cherish these handwritten words. There have been so many times over the years that I have sat in complete despair wondering if you had kept any of our life lessons in your heart; I worried they had been stomped out by the circumstances of your life. With every day, there was a growing distance between you and us; a silent gorge that seemed to tear at the heartstrings of our family. On Saturday night as I read your written assignment on commitment, I knew in an instant that a bridge of love and family remained buried deep in your heart and that you have indeed begun the journey over that great divide into your new season of independence. Real independence son, for your resolve is leading you to dependence on your own strength and wisdom. Independence afforded simply by your choice of will. I am so proud of you!

And I am so thankful for the bridge that has been reopened to your family. You have not chosen to walk this new season alone, you have chosen to include your family in this journey. You are helping us son as you begin this journey and we will do our best to walk side-by-side with you, mutually dependent upon one another as we all face the fear of the unknown, never before walked in territory of interdependence. You are so right son, no one is perfect. We will make mistakes. Yet, they will be mistakes that will be overcome by a shared commitment to "achieve the end project of your goals." I will be forever grateful that your goals include a commitment to your family.

Thank you for wanting us in your future, thank you for keeping us in your heart. I know this was no small task. And I know, how I know that I know, the work you are doing is no less difficult. You are so wise--commitment requires 100% decision but 200% effort! I am in awe of the young man you are becoming!

With love, Your Mom.

Philipians 1:6

Dear Son,

I am sitting at a gate in LAX airport waiting to board my plane home to Minneapolis after spending "Family Day" with you at New Seasons. How we enjoyed our weekend together son!

Arriving on Friday evening I felt a burst of excitement that has not been felt for so long. With an anticipatory joy we entered the courtyard to see you waiting outside with what felt like the same excitement. As your arms engulfed my expectant heart, I felt once again like we were 'home.' My son, I can't explain how I knew, but I felt the presence of the real you, unencumbered by the weight of so many heartbreaks and too-many-to- count hardships. As you threw your arms around us with a welcoming teddy-bear hug, I felt the presence of the little boy we have missed for such a long time.

We had such a nice.....almost surreal weekend with you son. It was so wonderful to hear that you are engaged in the treatment program and are learning so much. It is evident in your body language and your communication with us. The calm of the surroundings has allowed you to "be still"......and you are absorbing so many helpful tools and useful education. Still, I am guarded about my joy because after seeing these glimpses of the real man you are becoming, it is difficult to think that we may lose you again; I'm not sure I could bear such a loss.

How you blessed me on Friday night as we were sitting in the court yard catching up! As we sat late into the cool Pacific summer evening, you must have noticed that I was shivering. Without being asked, you excused yourself for a moment and returned with a jacket from your room...just for me! It was such a simple gesture, yet it spoke volumes.

How you blessed me son as you shared your resolve to change your life at dinner on Saturday evening. As I sat and listened to your open heart, I saw the unexpected tears roll down my grown son's face, but I heard the tears of my little boy as you shared your remorse for making me cry a week earlier. Son, decades of emotions collided with the news of the evening when you announced you would not stay at this place of hope, in spite of knowing that we would have to put our words of surrender into action and leave you behind. The intense grief that overcame me caused a gut wrenching sobbing that could not be controlled...and apparently could be heard as you left our counseling room to go pack your bags. One week later, your tears at the restaurant were silent tears, but I knew that they held the same impact; an emotional response so deep that it could only be life-changing. "Mom," you said, "what kind of son makes his mom's heart break like that? I have to make these changes because I never want to make you cry like that again."

How you blessed my heart as I was stunned into stillness Saturday evening knowing that you are exactly my kind of son! You are compassionate, you are courageous, you are determined, and you are so capable. You are so full of potential that my heart nearly bursts once again, not with sounds of weeping but with tears of joy!

Yes son, many of the steps in this transformation will be painful, yet, each brave step forward ensures that we will no longer experience just fleeting moments of "home," each step will lead you back to your permanent home; safe in our hearts and we in yours. Our tears will not be in vain son.

I love you. Your Mom.

Thankful Thursday


Dear Son,

It was just one week ago that I boarded the airplane in LA that would take me home, without you, as you remained solidly in your resistance to participate in New Seasons. You had two options: stay and work through this amazing program or be on your own.....starting that very moment.


As I flew the three and one half hours home, my mind struggled to understand what we had just experienced. In my mind's eye, I could only see my beloved, but very stubborn son, wandering the streets of California pulling a very large suitcase behind him, looking like a bullseye of vulnerability in a State that seems to have more serial killers per capita....than any other.


I am so thankful for the difference a week makes! Moreso, I am thankful for the difference God's promises make! It was only as I trusted completely on Him, having taken my hands off your life, that I could endure the ensuing days, that I could breathe with any ease.


"In the day of my trouble I call upon You, for You will answer me." Psalm 86:7


"After I have suffered awhile, the God of all grace, who has called me to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, will restore me, establish me, strengthen, and settle me." I Peter 5:10


"What woman is she who fears You, LORD? Her shall You teach in the way that she shall choose. Her soul will dwell at ease, and her seed will inherit the earth." Psalm 25: 12-13


My son, there are many promises that I have claimed for your life. As I flew home without you, and each and every moment since, I have been praying them for both of us! I had asked God to "go before" you as you entered this treatment facility. I am so thankful to discover that although I had not asked him to "go before" your Dad and I, He was there for us as we made the toughest decision of our lives.


I am so thankful that our faith is real....it is an interactive faith that holds us together when things seem to be falling apart. As my body struggled to fight off sickness this week, I felt peace by the very real knowledge that while my mortal body had surrendered to a virus of this world, our immortal Father has provided the victory for the fallenness of humanity. "By His wounds....we are healed...." I am so thankful for His love for each and every one of us.


Some people don't believe, son, that we have a need for a Creator, a Redeemer, a LORD over our lives....or that He's even real. I could not have survived this past week without Him. He heard my cries, he counts my tears (Psalm 56:9), He provides peace, strength, and hope for restoration! He will establish your life! This matter has already be settled son....we must only surrender to His promise! I am so thankful that He is walking before you, leading you to His promise! This surrender only requires that we be still, my son.....be still and know:

Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side;

Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;

Leave to thy God to order and provide;

In every change he faithful will remain.

Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly Friend

Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Katharina von Schlegel

Dear Son,

Thank you for calling last night. I enjoyed hearing from you and felt completely blessed by the conversation that we had.

You might be wondering what was so special about our conversation--it was just a normal conversation between a son and his mom. Well, let me just emphasize the word normal-it was a conversation about your day, how you were feeling and what you had done throughout the day. Gone was the urgency of looking for money or talking of ways to avoid a crisis. There was no drama in our conversation, I felt no fear. It was just a phone call between two people who were simply "catching up."

I can't tell you how long it has been since we had such a conversation. I am so thankful for the peace that I felt as I was listening to you son. So many circumstances have been weighing heavily on our relationship for such a long time. I look forward to so many more conversations--just like ours last night....in the future.

I am so proud of your strength and your courage. I am so proud of your resolution to stay at New Seasons because I know how much you did not want to do it. I know it is hard being there....particularly on this day, your 25th birthday. I feel sad that we won't be together for your birthday, son. But I am going to practice a little Cognitive Behavorial Therapy myself--and instead of letting that sadness take over, I am going to adjust any possibility of distorted thinking. Instead of focusing on my sadness, I am going to tell you just how glad I feel!

I am glad:

--that you are in a safe environment with people who will help you.
--that you are moving through a program that has proven to help so
many others get better.
--that you have given yourself this time to learn, to grow and to heal.
--that you are our son, so loving, so handsome, so smart and so
courageous! You are such a gift to our family and we are so happy
that you have taken this opportunity to find out about yourself. To
find out about your brain, your "heart" and your dreams. Your
goals will be reached, son...we know you can do it!

This Cognitive Behavorial Therapy works! I already feel so much better! I pray that you will discover the same thing throughout the coming days. What a gift--what a great birthday gift that will truly be!

Happy Birthday son! We love you! Your mom and your dad

P.S. I owe you a spaghetti dinner :)

Update: Boarding the plane in LA, we knew that our son had left the facility. The nearly four hour flight home was filled with many thoughts, but I must tell you--we felt a foundational calm and peace about what had transpired. I know, that I know, that I know....this peace was from God....because of your prayers. This has been a very difficult journey, one we had to travel for God's work to unfold. You have blessed us beyond words with your comforting words, encouragement, support....and most of all...your prayers.



Upon landing in Minneapolis, while waiting for our luggage, we learned that, after spending the afternoon away, our son had returned to the treatment center and had been invited to "sleep on" his decision there. Although he felt abandoned and betrayed, he would sleep safely and the Staff agreed to help him process his options the next morning. We! Are! So! Thankful!



Since that time (Thursday evening) we have spoken with our son and it has been one heck of a rollercoaster ride! One moment--he agrees to stay, the next--he is not. I have discovered, however, as I reflect on his positions and attitudes, that he is, in fact, making progress!



No doubt, you have heard of the five stages of grief or loss: The Kubler-Ross model identifies five stages:



Denial: For our son, this was his inability to realize that we meant what we said, and said what we meant. Previously, however, we had taught him by our actions, that if his crisis would get significant enough, we would bail him out. THIS CRISIS, him being left with only two options and he chose the one that dictated he would be left in California to his own means, felt huge to him. And we did not respond in our typical fashion. He could not believe, refused to believe even after we were home that this was happening. Our earliest phone calls with him on Thursday and Friday represented that remaining denial (and shock).



Anger: After the shock, came a calming numbness--and then came the anger. Saturday afternoon's phone conversations represented raw anger. While we risked being devistated by his anger, we listened and hoped that once he worked his way through this understandable anger...he could get to a different place of understanding.



Bargaining: This is almost more difficult to hear than the anger! When our son entered this stage, it is so tempting to fall back into our old ways of enabling. "If I do this, will you help me?" "If I promise this, can I come home?" "How could you do this to me, I thought you said you would always help me? You would always love me? What do I have to do for you to love me?"



Depression: "O.k., I'll stay here, but it's not gonna work. Nothing ever works; I'll stay here alright....I'll do what you've blackmailed me to do...but it's not gonna work, nothing ever works." "My life sucks, I don't even care anymore." "I'm just gonna go to my room and stay there until this month is over." "What am I gonna do in 30 days? It doesn't matter any longer."



This stage is also a difficult stage to hear.....unless you understand....there is progress being made! In reality, it was only this afternoon as my husband and I were traveling to our cabin that I realized our son was moving through---step by step---these five stages of grief and loss. His world was shattered on Thursday morning as we drove away. We had never before "abandoned him." We had never before lied (by omission) to him. We had never before "betrayed him." The rollercoaster ride of telephone calls we had been enduring....actually was taking him someplace....he was moving towards acceptance.



Acceptance: "Dad, Mom: I've decided to make this work. I will stay; I've been talking to the Staff and they have assured me that this process will work; so I'm going to try."



My son, the young man who gave up so long ago on even dreaming of finding an answer.....has agreed to try. Yes, he's moving forward.....he's making progress....and these are just his first steps into the process. Yes, it has been painful, and the journey no doubt, has more pain in store for each of us. But I believe this: these first steps are the most important and I am praying that God will continue to shine His light on each step along my son's path (Psalm 16:11).

"God, You are able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that I ask or think, according to the power that works in me. Ephesians 3:20"

Dear Son,

Never, in a million years could I have imagined that we would be boarding an airplane returning home with the painful knowledge that you have left New Seasons, refusing to stay for this exceptional opportunity of treatment. Never, years ago when I pondered how difficult parenting might be, could I have known how indescribably hard it would be to put actions to the words, "letting you go."

For more than a decade, son, we have been fighting for your life with everything we have. It took this time in California to realize that our fighting has not prevented your impending demise. In fact, while our intentions were to impede, prohibit, to stop the destruction we now see that we unintentionally facilitated its inevitability.

Some call this enabling, I call this regret. As I stepped onto the airplane I couldn't help but review the many opportunities we have had before this day to 'let you go,' to surrender our will for your life and respect your right to make decisions (good or bad). Each time I would think, "it is just too hard to cut him off. There's so much more we can do to help him find his way. If we let him go, what will happen to him?" Oh that I could have peered into the future to see how much more difficult each step onto an airplane would truly be.

We needed this experience to equip us. To equip us with the full knowledge that although we have so wanted to wave our magic parental wand....and poof, you'd be better, we now realize that you are the only one with the wand. We cannot force you--you are the only one who can take the steps toward restoration.

I've learned I don't know as much as I thought! I've learned how incredibly difficult it is to wonder where you are sleeping, are you hungry, where you are going? Are you safe in a city you have only known for three days, 2000 miles from home? And yet, I do know this. While you speak of your inability to be 'intitutionalized'--to be committed, I want you to consider this--You have always been 'committed.' From the moment we knew you were conceived, we dedicated your future to the One who created you! At our wedding, you Dad and I committed our marriage to Him, and at your birth, we dedicated you to God. We received you as the gift that you are and gave your life back to God.....to bless.

My son, while I do not know how I can make it through the coming days of not knowing, I want to share with you a song that has been replaying in my head since I got home last night. It is a song that I sang in church as a young girl; then, it did not hold deep meaning. Still, many years later it has great significance for this very moment.

My son, where you are and what you are feeling, I do not know. "But I know Whom I have believed in, and am persuaded that He is able, to keep that which I've committed, unto Him [until] that day." Until the day of your own discovery; that to be committed unto Him affords complete freedom. Freedom to walk in the blessings He has prepared just for you.

I will be praying for you son.....for each step that you take. May you be walking in the direction of our love, God's love....and kept safely in His care.

I love you. Your Mom

Alert! Alert! Alert!

Dear Son,

It is no coincidence son that I have seen our family therapy session this evening through new eyes. The watchman has been hit....but she is not down.

Tonight, in our family therapy session, I heard you as you announced that you have listened and learned during the three days you have been here. I heard you explain that you have been "scared straight," that these three days have taught you much. I heard you as you outlined your plans for the future.....plans to not stay in this facility, but to go home tomorrow to Minneapolis.


I saw your resistance as we reviewed our resolve to not be part of such a plan. I saw your anger build as the family therapist asked us to review how we have come to such a place--that we could no longer allow the destruction of your life to invade the fabric of our family. I felt your rebellion as she explained that our decision was a decision of sacrificial love and asked for you to give a gift of simply 27 more days. My heart broke as you announced, that while you wished that you could, you can not.


Words that should not cause heartbreak to a defensive watchman, but words that cut a mother's heart before she even has time to think defensively.


Dear Son....should you remain in this posture, tomorrow morning after our 10:00 a.m. meeting, when the recommended treatment program will be reviewed, your Dad and I will leave without you for the airport to return home. Should your resolve continue, you will not be returning with us. We explained the necessity of this with you this evening and we continue to pray that you will change your mind. As you walked out of the meeting, the sorrow I felt was immense and complete.


And yet, as I once again visited our Pier of Hope tonight, I am resolute in my role as the watchman of our hope. We have been hit with a flaming arrow tonight...but we are still on guard. The enemy is on notice, Son....we may have been wounded, but our hope remains strong. His dart was like a gnat, small and annoying; yes the sting may have caused a momentary stumble, but my feet are firmly planted in His hope. This mother is now a watchman--and any watchman worth their weight in gold knows not to rely on a fleeting circumstance, but to rely on the One who built the city, the One who watches over the city (Psalm 127:1). My guard will not be in vain.


It became clear to me tonight son, that I need to step aside from the enmeshment of our entangled lives and stand firmly, not dissuaded, but at attention in my tower on the wall. Although I can not control the direction you will take, I can stand firmly "before [God] in the gap on behalf of [the land....that would be you son] so [He] will not have to destroy it" (Ezekiel 22:30). Just as we have fought so diligently for your life for the last decade, this is a job I will not take lightly.


Yes son, I will continue to love you. It may look differently; still, I will respect your right to make any decision--even one that is wrong. I will, we will never stop loving you. Son, when you want to find us, please know where to look. We will be standing at attention, watching, watching, watching.....we will be standing guard with eyes of expectancy, hearts filled with hope that you will, one day take comfort and strength in the fortress of God's love....the very love that gave you to our family.



I love you son. Your mom

Dear Son,

It has been a very long 48 hours of silence. This is last day of the three day assessment you have agreed to participate in. Tomorrow morning we will meet together and listen as New Season's outlines their recommended treatment program, hand-designed for you.

Your Dad and I have been trying to keep busy while we wait nearby missing you so. We returned to the Pier at Hueneme Park Beach where we all walked early Monday morning before you entered New Seasons. From the very first moment I saw this Pier, I have known it was our "Pier of Hope." In fact, today as I muddled through the afternoon, I returned to it's point and sat watching, watching, and watching. Unaware of what I was looking for, after all, there was very little more than rolling waves, I was compelled to pray. It was at that exact moment that I realized it was on this Pier of Hope that I would be your watchman--seeking God's protection for your upcoming decision to stay.

In ancient days son, watchmen sat atop the walls that surrounded the cities. From the vantage point of towers, these watchmen could watch for invading armies threatening harm to the city. When an enemy was spotted, the watchmen would announce their impending arrival and all of the towns people had a job to do to protect their city. Drawbridges and gates were closed, civilians were protected, water was secured to put out the fires from any flaming arrows launched by the enemy; everyone had a job to do to spare the city.

As I sat on our Pier of Hope today son, I prayed in earnest Psalm 130: 5-6: "I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope. My soul waits for the LORD more than watchmen wait for the morning more than watchmen wait for the morning." It was the first time during the last 48 hours that I felt I was doing something of lasting value. I wasn't sight-seeing, I wasn't just killing time, I became your watchmen on our Pier of Hope. I was on alert and readying for the looming battle. Each of us has a job to do to spare our "city (our family)." I have asked the LORD to go before you in this decision, to protect you from the flaming arrows of the enemy--to put out these flames of doubt, confusion, fear and resistance--and allow you to do your part. It is your decison, son, but know this--you are not in this battle alone.

This afternoon as I retreated from my vantage point on "Pier of Hope," I did not leave with the same heaviness I felt when I entered. My heart is settled, I will be your watchman....watching, watching, watching....waiting to announce any threat, but more importantly, petitioning the One who is our fortress...He is our strength, He is our very real Hope son.

I love you. Your Mom

Dear Son,

I wondered, son, as you walked the Malibu beaches last evening what your deepest desires truly are. Oh, do you know dear Son, how my heart desires that you will find your your way to happiness and peace? Not just the momentary peace experienced as your toes gently touch the warm Pacific shore; but the lasting peace that comes from persistently stepping into the living waters of God's promised abundance.

I saw how your hands shook this morning as you signed the forms to enter the three day assessment process at New Seasons. I heard the fear in your voice as you proclaimed, "I can't do this." I felt every shiver as your body shook while you courageously trusted our judgement instead of your own. As you walked away from us this morning to begin the process alone, my own body trembled from the weight of your fear.

My Son, I have left you alone at a place you do not want to be, with anxiety so raw all who were near felt it's pang. The warmth of the setting sun that fell on your back is scarce remembered; replaced by a cold awareness that you feel as though you are drowning. I know, dear son, that you feel entrapped by this circumstance--but this is a lie. As you cried out to us this morning, "Everything about this seems wrong," it was never more true--everything about this--is right.

It is natural that you should fight this with all of your might. I have learned Son, that our human nature does not go down lightly! Most often, before we can surrender, we insist on exhausting the fight! As you grow wiser, you will learn as I have that with God, we don't have to endure the fight alone--we can surrender the battle, any battle, to Him and He will lead the way to victory. This fact alone, makes the surrender come more easily and more quickly. Still, I must confess, although I have daily surrendered my part in the battle to God, it must be said as well....that I with some regularity.....take it back! This is what I mean, Son--our human nature is stubborn. We rely on our own senses and sadly, we are not always perceiving things clearly. The enemy's lies and darts of deception cloud our vision, our selfish will blinds us from even seeking God's will for our battle.

The fear, the anxiety, the angst that you are feeling this day is to be expected Son. This is a huge battle! Please trust us just a little longer. I understand Son, your struggle is imminent; it is formidable and it is taking all of your energy just to endure this--you may not be looking for God in the design! Just as the powerful tide of the ocean continually presses the waves to the shore, God's love tirelessly reaches out to our hearts. While the tide seems invisible--we can still feel it's force...God is just like that.

May His peace reach you right. where. you. are. May it seep into every pore of your emotions washing away all fear, all anxiety, all of the confusion. May it continue to soothe your aching soul, calling you home, calling you home, calling you to His purpose and will for your life. It is safe to surrender Son....let His tide of love sweep over your heart, your mind, and your soul.

I love you my Son. Your Mom

Lift Off!

Dear Son,

Well, today is the day that we fly to LA; that is,of course, unless Northwest cancels our flight due to Pilot sick-leave. Whew! The times we live in! Nothing seems certain.

Sometimes words simply fail. Put to music, however, they soar! May these beautiful lyrics and tones support us as we begin this new journey.

THE PRAYER
Charlotte Church and Josh Groban


I pray you'll be our eyes
And watch us where we go
And help us to be wise
In times when we don't know
Let this be our prayer
As we go our way
Lead us to a place
Guide us with your Grace
To a place where we'll be safe
La luce che tu dai
I pray we'll find your light
Nel cuore restera
And hold it in our hearts
A ricordarci che
When stars go out each night
L'eterna stella sei
Nella mia preghiera
Let this be our prayer
Quanta fede c'e
When shadows fill our day
Lead us to a place
Guide us with your grace
Give us faith so we'll be safe.
Sogniamo un mondo
senza piu violenza
Un mondo di giustizia e di speranza
Ognuno dia la mano al suo vicino
Simbolo di pace e di fraternita
La forza che ci dai
We ask that life be kind
E'il desiderio che
And watch us from above
Ognuno trovi amore
We hope each soul will find
Intorno e dentro a se
Another soul to love
Let this be our prayer
Let this be our prayer
Just like every child
Just like every child
Needs to find a place,
Guide us with your grace
Give us faith so we'll be safe
E la fede che
Hai acceso in noi
Sento che ci salvera

Dear Son,

While it has been less than 48 hours since you stood in my kitchen and announced, calmly, yet, unexpectedly, that you would go to New Seasons, my heart has experienced an unexplained crash. I can only describe the feeling as grief, a profound loss over something that I have prayed would happen for nearly a decade. You are taking a step forward to care for your self--to find what has been lost for a very long time; why do I feel such sorrow?

No doubt, your feelings are conflicted, too, as you enter this new season of your life. As unexpected as your willingness was to enter a treatment facility, my feelings of loss are more shocking. As I lay in bed last night, tossing and turning, trying to find a comfortable position so I could retreat to my slumber, my stomach burned with a sensation so hot it could only scream, "pay attention!" Not to any physical ailment, rather, to my fear.

Son, I want you to know, I understand how difficult stepping into unknown territory really is. Believe it or not, your Dad and I have been stumbling through the last decade as if we were wearing blinders, yet, still trying to lead the way. No doubt, we have made mistakes; mistakes made in love, but mistakes nonetheless. For this, I am sorry.

Although we have prayed for a very long time for an opportunity such as this, I am just now feeling the sorrow of the loss of the little boy I once held. While I do not understand this grief, it is important for you to know it is real. As a child, even as you faced the struggles of your life, you brought joy to all who were around you. Your enthusiasm for life was contagious. Everyone who knew you came to expect your beaming smile and your relentless pursuit of joy. You were happy, Son. It was simply...just in you and your radiance shone 'round about you!

Somehow, somewhere as you continued to face the struggles of your life, someone extinguished that flame. I told you just a few days ago that my anger was real, that "someone had stolen my son and I wanted him back." Anger, yes, but why has a renewed sense of loss resurfaced on what should be a joyful day?

Perhaps it is because I have realized that as you enter this facility, you will be meeting that 'someone' head-on.....you will be seeing that something that has been threatening your life...you will be re-visiting that somewhere that changed the course of your youth--as you begin this therapeutic process. Don't misunderstand, I know you can do this. The sorrow I feel is simply knowing that you must go through this painful place to rediscover the boy that was lost so long ago.

It is a mixed bag of emotions that I am feeling, my Son. The hoped-for desire that your joy will soon be restored remains. Still, knowing that the lost-years that have passed can never be redone, unleashes a grief in this mother's heart that cannot be contained. Yes, there is a loss; but not a loss filled with void; it is a loss that will lead you to success.

Not success as the world defines it, but a reward that will lead you as you once again find your purpose and passion in life. Success that will reconnect you with that little lost boy, and together you will courageously face the enemy. The enemy, the one who seeks to destroy and kill; whether it be by addictions, self-doubt, feelings of worthlessness, or deception--his arsenal is filled with lies. For far too long, we have both been believing his lies. For my part in this, Son, I am sorry.

It seems as I write to you son, I have discovered a few important clues to the answers to my own questions. It must be said that although I resisted the detachment of your journey, I have deliberately attached to the remnants I have been left with. By that I simply mean this: if I could not have that little boy all grown up, I was compelled to love the young adult who was. It's a reality check of sorts, my Son; no mother willingly walks away from a child. Yes, you are nearly a foot taller than me, but I stand firmly before you--your Mother. While it has been almost 25 years since you were born, I will forever carry you in my heart.

This is all to say, Son, the sadness I am experiencing is from the fear that has revealed--that I will lose so much more. The tears are necessary, they are unavoidable. It is like the peeling away of the layers of an onion. Oh--I know you hate onions and have probably never peeled one. If you had, you would recognize immediately the burning of your eyes, the persistant watering, and eventual 'tearing' that happens as you peel each layer away. As you peel closer and closer to the core, you find that you are all out--crying. Perhaps this new season of your journey has caused unexpected tears because you are nearing the core of your struggle. This is my prayer....for you...and for our family.

So through the tears, I want to share with you a Scripture verse I promise to pray for you each day of your journey as you continue to peel away the layers of your "onion." From the New Testament, Ephesians 3: 17-19: "so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."

I am surrendering my fears and all my anxiety, my Son, to your Creator, the One whose love knows no limits. His love catches us, no matter where we fall--how wide, how long, how high, how deep is that kind of love? It is more than enough to carry us both through as we peel through the layers of emotions, anxiety, uncertainty, resistance, or doubt as you do this therapeutic work. I want you to know, my Son, that not only will we be praying for you and waiting with great expectations for your ultimate rewards, you will be covered by God's most amazing love! There is so much in store for you my Son!

May you be "filled to the measure of all the fullness of God!" Should a few tears be required to this purpose, they are tears well shed.

Your Mom

Thankful Thursday

Son,

I am so thankful that you are my son. My life, my heart, is filled with gratitude that you have been given to me--to your Dad--to love and to cherish our whole life long!

I am so thankful for your internal strength. No matter the dire circumstance, you have within yourself, the courage and the perseverance to push through, to endure; to fight your way through to the other side. I know, my son, that life has not been easy for you; there have been many obstacles in your way and you have proven time and time again that you are truly an overcomer. I am so grateful that you are alive.

I am so thankful for your sweet spirit; for your love of animals, for your helping heart, for your compassionate care of those in need. Take this time, my son, to care for your own needs; this is not selfish, this not foolish, this is not in vain. For it is only when we are whole that we can offer a piece of ourselves to others without harming our own survival. That is not to say that helping others can only be done when we have it all together! If that were so, no one would be of any service. I simply mean this--it is important to take care of yourself to be able to maintain the energy and the resources you need to effectively care for others. It's just like the star quarterback on a football team. If injured, the quarterback cannot play his best and bring the team to the Super Bowl! He must take a time out, do whatever it takes for his recovery, and it is only then, he can return to the game fully equipped to win.

I am so thankful that you have decided to go into New Seasons. This time out, this treatment, will offer you whatever it is you need to return to the game of life fully equipped to win! Your Dad and I have been like your Coach --and yet, we realize that this is your game. We will relinquish any Coach-control as you enter this treatment facility. Just as the quarterback calls the plays of each game, you, alone, are in control of this play. While we relinquish the control of calling the play(s) any further, we are so thankful for your decision and for your choice in this play and we will be on the sidelines cheering you on, supporting you when you need our help, and moment by moment--praying for you.

And yet, don't get me wrong. I do not want you to think you are ever alone in any matter! A gift so beautiful, a gift unimagineable could not have been a random offering. You, my son, are a gift from God. And He has promised in His Word (the Bible) that He will never leave you. As you are working through this treatment program, listen with your heart--you will feel Him. He will be there with you. I have asked Him to "go before you." From the moment of your conception, you have been covered by His love. As a baby, we 'dedicated' you-- just as in the Old Testament, Hannah brought her son before the LORD to publicly acknowledge, "I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the LORD. For his whole life he will be given over to the LORD." And he worshiped the LORD there. 1 Samuel 1:26-28

Son, like Hannah, as your parents we have given each and every day of your life to God. Yes, we sometimes get in the way of His purpose, His plan, His Will; but the beauty of His Way is simple--our weakness is never greater than His power!

Yes, son, I am so thankful that you have within yourself all you will ever need to make this journey complete. Your Creator has "woven you togther" (Psalm 139:15) in such a unique way--so you can be you! The same power used to create is available to you as you begin this restorative process. I tell you this truth, my son, because my belief in who you truly are.....is only surpassed by my belief..... in who God really is.

One day, we all will be thankful for the pain, for the confusion, and yes, even the despair. For it is this very journey that will lead you to contentment, to understanding and to joy. Joy, like the joy you have brought to our hearts, son.

I am so thankful that you....are my son.

Mom