A short July update

Summer is gliding by… I have such mixed emotions about that.  While I want to enjoy the lazy days, I crave the schedule of the school year… I want to enjoy having my kids around, but it’s overwhelming & involves so many appointments & not enough lazy.

We returned last weekend from 10 days at Crooked Lake with my family.  It went pretty well considering how many people we are & Kiahna’s issues. 

Transitions continue to be her biggest issue.  Tantrums multiple times the first few days of vacation & the first few days back home.  They have become our sad normal.

Appointments this week at a long awaited Neuro-psych in FW.  She talked to us for about an hour & then proceeded to set us up for 2 1/2 hours of testing that will be done at the end of September (first time slot they had that was big enough).  She says she doesn’t suspect K is on the autism spectrum, as much as she may have a mood disorder.

Confession:  I just want it to be fixed.

Reality:  It won’t be.

Trying a new medication, again.

Things are going very well with the new therapist we have coming out to the house.  Impressed with that & hopeful for some good “in-school” help for the coming year. 

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James left at the end of June for Army ROTC training.  He was to be gone for a month & then after it was done he would be signing a contract with them for the National Guard.  He was so excited about this endeavor, I figured there was no way that he would “not” do this.

He hated it.  Said it “didn’t feel right” even before he got there.  Ended up coming home before even a week was over.  He didn’t have any trouble with the activities they were doing, even earned a coin for climbing a rock wall no one else could climb earlier in the day that he decided this wasn’t for him.  But, he just didn’t have peace about it.  Didn’t enjoy being screamed at either.

I have to say I am pretty shocked.  Also, in awe of how God is working in my son’s life to make things clear to him & giving him strong guidance.

He turned 21 last week too.

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Zach turned 18 last week.

Learning to just let go & let God have him.  So I can have peace.

Things are better.  Today.

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Pam

This morning’s newsfeed…

Deep sigh…

This morning an article showed up in my newsfeed How to stay sane & survive fetal alcohol spectrum disorder.  Wow, who came in to my house & read my mind & wrote this article? 

Some of the challenges in dealing with the severe meltdowns that we have here center around #1 my fear of her hurting someone else or herself so I step in & intervene & things escalate.

#2 when the meltdowns, poor behavior, language happen around other people who then in turn will either try to “help” me with her or I begin to feel like I should be doing something more or different than what I am to make sure that this behavior stops.

Did this  yesterday.  Twice. Family vacation is ahead, I know it’s going to be difficult. 

When you look at Kiahna without much knowledge of FASD, Autism, SPD or ADHD… all you can see is a spoiled, mouthy brat.  She should be “disciplined” she “shouldn’t be getting away with this” she “is a product of being raised by a single mom” she “just needs a good strong father figure to discipline her” she “needs a spanking”…

Well, some days I fall into that line of thinking.  Those are the really bad days.  The days that nothing gets better & things just get worse & worse.

Understanding that there is a disconnect between “cause” & “effect”… that the same lessons must be learned over & over & over again.  That the level of maturity of her brain is not that of someone who is almost 8, but more in line of her 3 year old cousin.

If you didn’t link over to the article I mentioned in the beginning, here is a photo from that article, that maybe you have or haven’t seen…

Absolutely heart breaking.

I like how Jeff says he has a copy of this photo in his wallet to take out & look at to remind him.

Part of me really still struggles to believe that my beautiful little girl really has this kind of life long disability.

But her growing behavior issues…okay, maybe they aren’t really growing, but maybe the fact that she is growing & the behaviors are just looking more & more awkward because the “average 8  year old” would not act that way.

I really have no idea what I am doing or how we are going to get through this.  I can’t tell you how.

Our needs are much prayer support.  Physical support if it can be done with a knowledge of FAS & it’s buddies.  Emotional support.  Respite.  Education for all of us.  Wisdom.  Protection for all of us. And more prayer.

Pam

So, what is it?

I have been learning a lot on the road of life… Not things I ever dreamed I’d learn.  Or ever had any desire to learn.  It’s good things.  Things that I never knew I needed to learn. 

God has a way of doing that when we have the desire to do what He has asked of us.  Funny how simple it feels to pray that prayer & then how hard it is to actually live out a life that does that.

Been struggling with trust again.  Been struggling to try to figure out things that I just might not ever figure out.

You probably know that my youngest daughter was diagnosed with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome a few years ago.  More recently we have added Sensory processing disorder to her diagnosis.  And now we are on the verge of adding an Autism label to her list.

A new therapist we have began working with puts it well when she says “it doesn’t really matter what you call it, you still have to deal with the behaviors”… so true.

The humanness in me want to get a name to it.  Then I want it fixed.  I want a solution.  I want a pill. 

Uhg.

Sorry, if this is a repeat for many of you to read again. 

I feel like I am learning more & more about her… but still have a boat load of things that I don’t understand, & I don’t know if I will ever understand.

This is what I know.

• Transitions are hard
• Change is hard
• Language understanding & communication & comprehension are hard
• social interaction is hard
• friendships are hard
• judging right & wrong choices is hard
• overstimulation leads to melt down tantrums
• she is getting stronger & her violent outbursts are getting scarier
• medication is not helping much at all
• Shes on a ton of vitamins & it’s hard to know if they are helping much.  The best one I have found has been Gaba.
• Shes extremely defiant & strong willed.
• there is no cure
• emotionally she is at about the 2-4 year old range.  She has matured in the past year for sure, but still isn’t where she should be.
• Occupational Therapy is extremely helpful.  It’s needed on a very regular basis… sometimes every 15 minutes depending on what is going on.
• When she’s having a tantrum if I pray she says things that make me feel there is a very real Spiritual aspect to this also.

I am in way over my head, I know that.  I have been blessed with incredible support at school, but they feel over their heads too many times.  We have began work with a new counseling/therapy place & discontinued working with the one we were with after months of really know progress & 3 people leaving that facility.

Specific prayer requests.

• Help, healing & support for all of us.
• Wisdom
• Safety for her & those around her when she goes into tantrum mode.
• A MIRACLE

“God lead us to Your plans & Your path for this baby girl.  You have a plan.  We need help to know how to follow that plan.  Bring us the help & support that You have for us.  Open the door that no man can open & close the doors that do not lead us to the things that are Your will”

Pam

Choosing to blog to get my thoughts in order?

Might not be the best choice?  Maybe I won’t publish?

Kiahna has went from “horrific” to “very manageable” over the past week.  I give the credit to God & the prayers.  He gives wisdom when we ask.  He keeps me asking.

Took her off of one medication. Added some more vitamins/herbs. 

Medication we came off of was the steroid inhaler for her asthma.  Behaviors had declined after getting that back into our lives with the allergy season upon  us.  Her asthma symptoms (she has never had an attack) appear to be related to her allergies.

One of the vitamins we added to our lives was Gaba.  If you have a kid or yourself with behavior issues, anxiety issues.  Run, don’t walk, & get some Gaba.  Seriously.  I have never seen an immediate result in a herb/vitamin like it appears I am seeing with this.  Very inexpensive.  I ordered mine from this site.

Tomorrow is the last day of school.  Kiahna woke up this morning & said to me, “Is today I am going to second grade?”  Poor kid!  No wonder she has anxiety!  Even when she’s been told over & over, she still doesn’t understand what’s going on sometimes.  The world she lives in is very confusing.  It’s hard for me to remember that.  I’d have anxiety too.

Zach is ending his junior year.  I am struggling to trust him.  I am struggling with anger at some teachers/coaches for their impatience with him.  I am struggling with fear.  I dread his senior year.  And I hate all those things in myself.

Quote from Zach last night “In one year I will be in college and you won’t have to worry about me any more”….   oh Zach you have no idea/

My biggest concerns right now for him are his self esteem.  Self worth.  God being allowed to work in his life as we go through the hard days ahead.

Hard in ways like, the 3 game suspension he has hanging over his head for the football season that is up & coming.  The football season that meant everything to him.  Hard in a way that I am not sure that even after the suspension is over that the coach will allow him to play.

Hard in ways like the fact that I am very involved with the mother’s portion of the team.  Very, very, very difficult for me to watch my son be treated a certain way for discipline I don’t agree with & pour my heart & time into working on.

We both have some tough days ahead.  Consequences are hard.  But even harder if they are consequences you are facing for someone else's decisions.  HARD!

Lucas had his 14th birthday last Friday.  He is growing up in his quiet way in a house full of a lot of “stuff”.

James is home for most of the summer & working hard.

Everyone else seems stable at the moment.

Working hard on my business.  God is blessing it.  I am loving it. 

DEEP BREATH.

Summer break will be good.  Right. Right?  Right.

Pam

A Mother’s Day post

I’ve been absent again… too much to do to take the time to sit down to write about it all again…

It’s Mother’s Day.  It’s been good.  I ordered a gift for my mom early…

It was a gallery wrap of all of us on the beach this spring break…

She’s easy to buy for, pictures of her family are her love… she is everything that anyone could want in a mom.  Devoting all her life to her family.  We are blessed indeed.

Mother’s Day as a single mom is something that I have tried very hard over the years to not lose my focus.  I keep my expectations low… & then I get some surprises.  Leah got up and made breakfast… all the boys remembered to at least say “Happy Mother’s Day” so that was good.

Its good.  I don’t need things.  I don’t need attention.  I don’t love the day.  I have learned not to let myself get worked up with unmet expectations.  It’s a trap. It’s from hell.  It’s not where I am going to let myself go.

Yet, I found myself in the midst of the day, dealing with my daughter & her emotions.  Her tantrums that have been on the rise.  Her anger.  I found myself weeping.  Unable to stop.  Unable to let the disappointment go.  Not necessarily because of the day, but perhaps that why it was harder.  I was working so hard to keep myself under control & not give in to those unmet expectations.

Kiahna’s behaviors have grown worse.  I have been working with medications yet again to try to help her level out.  I thought I had it figured out.  Today when she ran from me in church and hit me & told me how much she hated me.  It was sheer disappointment that ran through me.  I thought I had figured out what was going to help my baby girl. 

I don’t know.  I don’t know what’s going to help her.  I don’t know what the future holds.  I don’t know how long I can keep parenting her with these fits of anger.  I just don’t know.

I know the ONE who does know.  He seems a little quiet & slow to my human mind on this one. 

I am trying to wrap my head around parenting a child who is showing more & more autism signs.  Keep her sensory needs met, especially when she refuses the treatment, which is virtually impossible unless I just let her run & chase after her… which works here at home, but not so much in church in heels & with people watching.  UHG

She’s a gorgeous girl.  We recently got her hair relaxed.  She looks so much older.  If only there was a way to do that same thing to her heart & mind.  Relax.

 

 

Prayers are needed…. Thanks so much.

Pam

Zach’s Junior Prom

Tonight was Zach’s first prom!

 

 

 

 

 

His date is just a friend, although he would like her to be more & they dated awhile last year…

Hope all is going well!

Promenade:

 

 

Good night all night promers… this mama needs her rest to deal with life!

Pam

True Story

I enjoy going to a zumba class a couple of mornings a week. 

My routine is (I love routine) to drop my kids off at school & head to the gym for a work out. (workouts have helped my stress level sooo much)

The zumba class doesn’t start until 9:45.  Running home for an hour then going back in isn’t always the best use of time or gas money.

I’ve went to the one restaurant in town that’s open for breakfast, taken my laptop & decided to work there during the time I am waiting for my class to start.

This restaurant is good because it’s pretty dark, quiet, not very busy so I don’t feel like I am in the way sitting there for over an hour not giving them much business.

I do normally eat some eggs, which  may be just the amount of money it would have taken to drive home & back… but it’s a time saver right.

Another thing about this restaurant is that the wi-fi does not work, the phone reception is horrible… so while those things are not real convenient, they do help me stay focused on my editing & the distractions are a minimum.

Today I was sitting there editing & multi-tasking with my phone.  Updating some of the names, my new phone puts them the opposite of the old phone so I have to move everyone’s names around, kinda confusing, but that’s what I was doing while I waited for my photo-shop program to do it’s magic.

A older couple came in & sat down at a table about 2 away from me.  I was minding my business getting much accomplished.  I heard the man talking & pretty soon I realized he was talking, very loudly, about me.

Discussing my use of my phone & then how I was going back & forth between my phone & my computer.  Using sarcastic phrases about how desperate I was to remain “plugged in” & how much of a panic I would be in if I couldn’t get connection.

“Look” he said to his wife, “now she’s on her computer.  I bet they have wi-fi here, a place like this would”

I go back to my phone.

“There she goes back on her phone again”

I sat there & my heart started to race & I looked over at him while he made sure he didn’t look at me.

I wanted so say, buddy, do  you know what I am doing over here?  Do you know I am working?  I can’t get internet or phone service?  I am here saving money on gas & trying to run my business. Would you like to see?

I can’t say I have ever felt so falsely judged.

He went on to complain about other things, loudly, while his poor wife sat there enduring.

All, I can think about it how quickly we judge by appearance.  How much we jump to conclusions.  Believe everything we hear.  Spread around false information about situations.

If you happen to hear any stories about my family flying around… think about this story before you believe everything that’s going around.  The facts are not the same as the rumors.

True Story.

Pam

Photo op

Zach, myself & Leah backstage before the musical, KRAZY KAMP!

Pam

Lots of excitement!

Exciting times in this small community!

Last Monday our basketball team (who I have been photographing all season, along with my 2nd son)

WON SECTIONAL!

Perspective.

We have one of the best teams in the state in our sectional.  Bishop Luers.

Private schools create teams that are designed to win ball games.  Public schools often lose out, using only the kids born & raised in the district.

My opinion.

This is only the 2nd sectional win AC has won since division basketball began.

We also won the ACAC conference team championship.  Going 7-0 in the conference.  When you rank among the smallest school in the conference.  Let’s just guess when the last time that happened?

THIRTY-THREE YEARS AGO!

Another night of celebration!

No team from our school has ever won a Regional game.  Has ever won 20 games. 

Today that could change!

Today we travel to regionals & we play 2 games if we win the first!!

Really exciting!

Check out AC Basketball Facebook Page to follow the team or learn more!

Not only is this a good basketball team, they are almost too good to be true people involved!  Absolutely incredible attitudes.  Fun, nice, good kids.  Excellent program.

I really saw that a few weeks ago when my son was suspended (from a game) for missing the community service project they went on.  Zach’s attitude has been a thorn in their side all year (and last year).  It just won’t be tolerated.  Unfortunately, he hasn’t been able to pull himself together & be what he needs to be.  So, he has sat the bench on JV much of the year, when in reality is is good enough to be on the Varsity bench.

As I thought about that, I realized that they were putting my son as a person ahead of winning games.  They were doing what they as a coaching staff could do to teach my son that living with that attitude will not give you success.  It will not be tolerated. 

I have been under the basket this season for every game.  I will say that I have seen a ton of attitude on the courts.  Much of it coming from teams that wear “Christian” on their chests.  The reality of the rarity of a program that will not tolerate attitude to poison their program hit me.

Too bad it has to be when I see my own son be the one to go through it.

But, we are on a journey.  He’s gonna learn.  Perhaps later rather than sooner.  But, we will be there through it all.

See him standing behind the bench in the black shirt… the one with the mohawk…

So, today we travel… Excited.  Zach will go as a fan, on the fan bus (praying he stays out of trouble).  James & Brookelyn are home.  James, Brooke, Leah, Dad, Ben & Myself are all traveling out together to watch the Jets! 

First game at 1:00 & second won’t start til close to 8:30.  Then travel almost 3 hours home… With the time change… GONNA BE A LATE ONE!

PLUS…

It’s musical week!  KRAZY KAMP

Zach has a lead… he’s a “junk food junkie”

Leah’s in the chorus… I have very few pictures of her, because she’s always in the back!  WHY are your eyes closed girlly!!! 

Perspective:  3 of the 5 starters on the basketball team are in the musical!

Last performance, that was supposed to be tonight is moved to Sunday at 4.

Can we just say exhausting weekend.  But, oh so much fun.

By Monday we may need a 2 hour delay in the worst of ways!!

Good luck to all this weekend!

AND

go jets!!!

Pam

Class Project

Leah had to do this project for a class.  This photo is half her & half me… kinda weird!! 

Pam

Pray.

 

…Huge Sigh…

I used to pray very boldly that “if my kids did something wrong that God would reveal it to me” 

I still pray that prayer… but the boldness is gone… I find myself not praying it as often… gripped by the fear of what would or could or has been revealed if & when I pray it.

Embarrassed by his behaviors… angry at his attitudes… wishing he would be different.

Telling myself recently that I need to pray very hard for the grace to love him right where he is at.  To not compare him to others.  To keep having faith that God is not out of control of this situation. To look at his heart & remember how good it really is.

To be glad that he is in a school where the standard is so high that the behaviors out weigh the talent.  That the person out weighs the win.

He may have played his last game of high school basketball last weekend ever.  I didn’t even know it.

Suspended for the last game of the season for his lies & his attitude.

Saying he won’t be playing his senior year.

Unless something changes we are on a real down hill dive…

Pray for healing.

Pray for hope.

Pray for help.

Pray for grace to keep loving.

Pray for restored hope in adults.

Pray that the respect for authority would be repaired.

Pray for protection for the rest of us.

Pray we can survive this.

Pray.

God, You have this right??  I am believing it. I am believing  YOUR WORD that says YOU are the FATHER to the fatherless… PLEASE COME!  HELP!

Pam

Fishing photo

Last summer my dad took this photo with his phone when he took Jadon fishing.  He sent it in to the FW Journal, it was published yesterday!

Pam

Because I have a lot of photos & not a lot of time…

Trying something new, posting a photo, maybe once a day… to keep the blog going & because writing long posts isn’t always necessary or convenient…

Kiahna standing next to the hurdles James leaps in college track…

CRAZY!!

James is running at Christian Indoor Nationals this weekend…

Kiahna’s behaviors have been on the down hill, up hill, roller coaster this week again…

Pam

a sweet picture…

 

Last week Jadon didn’t feel so well… cuddling with G-pa helps!

Pam

In between the blog posts

So much life happens around here at such high speeds… stopping to write about it doesn’t happen until I get that overwhelming feeling inside to get it out on paper I will explode if I don’t.

Like last night.  Aching for my son. I believe with all my heart that Zach will be okay in the long run… it’s the long run that puts the fear into me.  It’s the seemingly “waste” of time to get to that point.  It’s watching him be robbed & stolen from every day that cuts to the core.

My oldest is considering a signature with the Indiana National Guard.  I am considering screaming.  Praying for peace.  Unsure of what to think.  Knowing it isn’t my choice.  Hating that feeling.

Kiahna’s test results came back from her eeg.  No seizure activity the doctor says.  We can try a new med.  You can see this doctor next.  I can pound my head against a wall.  I can try a vitamin the chiropractor recommends.  I can pray against the spiritual battles that are coming against her.  I can cry.  I can become extremely afraid.  I can sign papers with poor behavior documentation.  I can pray.  I can go pick her up because the new med caused a bad reaction.  I can pray again.

Watching & photographing a lot of basketball…

Feeling the judgment of others for the behaviors of my children.  Fighting against it.

Wondering if I should somehow force my children’s dad to be a dad.  Wondering what the best is.  Wanting to ring his neck.  Fighting for forgiveness & grace to forgive again.  Thankful for the little child support checks.

Needing to do a medication change for Jadon.  Helping him transition to a new teacher when the old one suddenly began her maternity leave early. 

Clean up some puke.

Order some new flooring.

Wonder how the house got to be such a mess.

Be thankful that it is because there are people here who I love dearly to mess it up.

Hope.

Pray.

Laugh.

Love.

Live.

Cry.

Fear.

Rest.

Overwhelm.

Grace.

Strength.

Endurance.

Life.

Death.

Peace.

Storms.

This is the stuff.

Pam

I ache for you son…

“Once they hand me that diploma & I walk out of that school everything will be okay in my life” 

“The problem is them.  They all hate me.  They all want to ruin my life.  They are out to get me”

My heart aches to see you find healing, son…

My head spins with all the things I want you to know & understand about life…

You won’t find happiness in the next stage in life if you don’t find it here.  It isn’t going to come from getting your diploma.  It isn’t going to come from a girl.  A college.  A wedding.  A baby.  A job.  A move.

It’s only going to come from within your heart, when you choose to let Jesus Christ come in & heal the broken hurting places.  When you choose joy in the midst of the world that hurts.  When you put others before yourself.

Without it you will only go through life hurting & hurting others.

“I don’t believe you”

I know.  I’ve lived.  I’ve watched.  I’ve hurt.  I’ve been hurt.

Just say the words “I am angry at my dad for what he did to me, I am angry that he isn’t here for me now.  I am angry that I don’t have his support in my life”… say the words out loud…

“I have said the words.  There is this one teacher who likes me & I have talked to her every day last week”

“I just need to talk to this one girl again, she will listen to me”

Am I not listening to you son?  Because I have an opinion about what you are saying I am not listening?  Are you going to go to someone who will tell you that everything you say is right & everyone around you is wrong?  Are you just looking for people to agree with you?  Other angry people will.

This has been a hard road.  Everything that has happened has changed all of us forever.  We will be dealing with the things that this has done to us for the rest of our lives.  I believe that.  There is forgiveness to give & bitterness to fight every day because the betrayal continues.

I watch my son get lost in it all… I ache.

Prayers change as children grow up & the control we once had, or felt like we had… the voice that we had that they could hear that they no longer can hear… My prayer for my grown(ing) up sons… I am so glad YOU are their FATHER… YOU got this right?  I can rest?  YOU know what to do… I believe You…

Aching for my son.

Pam

Pondering…

Thinking about how quickly life can change…

My neighbors & friends found out last night that their unborn baby is no longer living… just 2 weeks before delivery.

They called & asked me to come & photograph.

As I write this, I am waiting to be called up to the hospital.  They started labor, but things are progressing very slow.

One of the brother’s made a comment about “praying for a miracle today”.

Got my mind rolling.

I wonder if we miss the miracle sometimes.  Do we miss it because we are so focused on what we want the miracle to look like that we can’t see the actual miracle?

I think we do.

I know I have.

Because the miracle that comes from having God so near during times that feel like they are going to crush you with pain, that instead of being destroyed you feel peace… it’s hard to swallow sometimes.  We don’t want that to be our miracle.  We want the miracle of life restored.  We don’t want life to hurt so much.  We don’t want babies to die, husbands to leave, people to hurt us…

But.  If we never get the chance to experience God’s peace that passes all understanding in the midst of searing pain that we know should be killing us with it’s very intensity… how will we ever know God’s power in our lives.  We won’t.  We would have any need for it.

It’s in doing the impossible things in our lives that we can know He is a God of impossibilities…

As much as it hurts.

May we walk through this life, in awe of God’s power in the events that we feel are impossible. Giving Him glory & honor & praise for all things.  Good & bad.

Pray for Trevor & Rachel. 

Peace.  Grace.  Love.  Hope.  Restoration.

Pray God provides amazing memories of this child for them through the lens of my camera… I’ve never done anything like this before.

Pam

Where we are with Kiahna today

The issues that Kiahna lives with put us all over the map.  We have good days & horrific days.  We have okay days & days that make you think we will never live this way for the long haul.

Recently, things have improved drastically.

We began seeing a new neurologist.

We began Occupational Therapy.

We began services with an agency that is new to our area Meridian. 

We stopped some medications & began some others.

Today we are in a place where we are living semi-normal lives.  She is stable enough to go places without melt downs.  As long as I stay aware of her sensory needs & don’t let her become over stimulated or worn out.

She has been able to handle the Christmas season with ease.  The transition to home from school for break.  She was invited to play at a friend’s house & dealt with that with ease.

Praise the Lord!

The new neurologist ordered some testing that we had never had done before.  

The first was a sleep deprived EEG

Thankful for the help that my parent’s gave me preparing for this test.  We were to keep her awake most of the night & then drive her to FW for the testing at 8 am.  They kept her awake so I could sleep & then drive her in to the tests.

After this test we attempted an MRI.  She didn’t cooperate with that.  It’s a scary test!  We had to reschedule that one with sedation, we had to wait for that to be approved by insurance & that is coming up next week.

We just received the results of the sleep deprived EEG & they were abnormal enough that the doctor has ordered more testing.  This testing will require 24 hour admission to the hospital & the EEG will be recorded all during that time. 

The tests will confirm if she has Epilepsy.  She has not had any obvious seizures.  But, the testing was still abnormal enough it can’t be ruled out.  If she has the same issues while she is awake that she has when she is asleep, they will diagnose her Epileptic.

Add it to the list of labels.

When we began the latest medication round we had a great 2 weeks & then the behaviors began again, we increased them & have been on the level for a few weeks again… it’s a day by day thing.  Waiting for the medication to stop working.

Continued prayer is vital.

Pam

oh my, now I know why that got me so worked up…

Cleaning out drawers in the bathroom & it came to me… why I so worked up again???

This morning on WBCL they were interviewing, author, counselor and “co-parent” Tammy Daughtry

“What if your child’s ‘life-after-divorce’ could be better than you hoped for? As the post-divorce dust settles, your child’s chances of leading a healthy, successful life are directly linked to how you and your former spouse relate.”  --WBCL’s website

Co-Parenting Works! is the name of her book.

SO MY CHILDREN’S CHANCES OF LEADING A HEALTHY SUCCESSFUL LIFE ARE DIRECTLY RELATED TO HOW MY FORMER SPOUSE & I RELATE!!!!!

REALLY!!??!!!

Well… if that’s where our only hope lies, we are hopeless.

At least I know why I got so upset.

THANKFUL THAT MY CHILDREN’S HOPE LIES IN THE LORD JESUS AND NOT IN THE HANDS OF MYSELF OR MY EX-SPOUSE OR OUR ABILITY TO GET ALONG ON ANY LEVEL!!!

(read post that came right before this one for more insight to whatever I am talking about here!)

Pam

My thoughts on divorce… 6 years after I got one.

It’s gotten easier.  My heart no longer races with the thought of him being in the near area… My palms don’t sweat & I don’t panic with what I will say or how I will say it.

Of course that all probably has a whole lot to do with the fact that we see him so rarely.

When we do see him these days, I feel… resentment.  hatred.  bitterness.  anger. unbelievable thoughts of how much a person can change for the worse & believe they are better, self righteousness of how much better a person & parent I am than he is.

I struggle.

Struggle to feel the things I believe are “right” to feel.  The things that I believe God would want me to feel. 

!!NEWS FLASH!!

If satan hasn’t succeeded in using a circumstance to make you bitter for six years, he will not give up.  He will continue to try to use that circumstance to make you bitter.  To make you turn on God. To lie to you and say that God has not been faithful to you.

I hate that news.

I have plenty of reasons to hate this circumstance & this person.  Plenty of reason for bitterness.  For anger.  For resentment. For self-righteousness.

I could list them.

Oh, how I want to list them.

To make you hate him like I do when I dwell on these “facts”.

Uhhhhhh….

--------------------------------------

I need a minute…

Or two…

I need to take everyone of these thoughts & feelings & fears & angers & frustrations & proud thoughts… & throw them away.

 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’  But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,  that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that?  And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?  Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.”  --Matthew 5:43-48

I wish there was a way to stop the thoughts from coming.  To not feel what I do when he comes around or when my kids talk about him or ask about him.  I wish.  But, it’s not possible to not feel.  It’s what you do with the feelings.  It’s where you let them take you.  The road to bitterness & hatred is well traveled & very easy to begin down.

The road to peace & healing is harder to see.  I’ve only found it in the Word of God.  It’s so easy to get distracted off of.  So easy.

Dear God, help me.  I give you every one of these hurts in my heart.  The disappointments.  The fears.  The anger.  The injustice.  The pride.  The human thoughts that make me see such a small picture & the lies that say this is all so unfair.  I give you every one.  I believe You are still a God that heals.  A God that brings beauty out of ashes.  Over & over again.  You have never left or forsaken us.  You won’t now.  You won’t let the evil win.  You have a plan for each of our lives.  My children will not be destroyed because of their dad’s sin.  Or their mom’s.  It’s by Your grace we are not consumed by this… It’s by Your grace that each of us have not been destroyed.  It’s by Your grace & mercy that good will come out of this.  I never imagined or dreamed of such a hard & hurtful road for my family.  It’s so easy to look around & feel like it’s so unfair.  It’s so easy to look at what Jim does each day of his life & feel so very very very angry & hateful.  So easy.  Dear God, I don’t want to live in a place where I hate anyone.  I don’t want to live in a place where I feel resentment over what anyone else has that I don’t.  I don’t want to be proud or self-righteous… I just want You.  I just want to do what You want.  What You’ve called me to.  I don’t want to miss it, because I was chasing down anger & bitterness…  In Jesus Name, Amen.

Pam

What’s up…

I was a pretty pathetic blogger in 2011… both here & on my business blog… It’s my hope to catch up my business blog over the next few months before work gets out of control busy again… & I hope to spend some time writing on this blog again too over the coming months.

I miss the days when I didn’t have my own business to run that keeps me from writing.  I miss writing.  I need to get that book published I guess so that I don’t have to work so hard! 

I love my business, I just struggle to keep a balance.  To say no to jobs that I know are going to put me over the edge of my schedule.  I think about 2012, about Zach becoming a senior, about the amount of time I want to spend working on the football mother’s club vs the amount of time I spend working for myself vs the care & time I need to spend parenting my children.

Today, I sit reflecting.  Wishing I had a husband to sit & reflect with.  Wishing I had a husband as an ally as I muddle through parenting.

2011 wasn’t a bad year for us, it was a challenge… as they all are.  There is so much joy when I think of James’ baptism.  Of Kiahna’s good days.  Of Leah’s happy heart.  Of Jadon’s excellent mind.  Of Zach’s football accomplishments.  Of Lucas’ quiet spirit.

They tend to be pushed to the side when I think of the struggling days Kiahna has had in school & I wonder how long the medication will last this time.  I think of the pain that is caused each day in my kids with their dad’s life choices.  I watch my daughter gain weight & over eat & I feel like I have no way of helping her.  I watch my son deal with so much anger it looks like it could take over his life at any moment & cause him to do something he will regret for a lifetime.

Then I remember how much God has been with us through all of this journey into singleness & loss of dad… how He has done exceeding abundantly more than I could have ever asked or imagined in James’ life… how He provides exceeding abundantly more than I could ever ask or imagine in our finances… how not a day has gone by that He has left us on our own in this journey.  Not a second.

As my mind wavers back & forth between worry & trust… I strive to stay on the “trust” side better than I did last year.  That’s why I have chosen it as my One Word for 2012.  It’s going to be a challenge each day… I know this for sure. 

Have to go, my daughter is in need of some of my time in therapy… that’s another blog post…

Pam

One Word 2012

As each new year comes around, it brings all types of challenges from all directions to bring change & challenge for the upcoming year… this one caught my eye…

One Word 365

Asking God what one word He wants to use in your life in 2012.  No lists of items that need to be changed.  No goals that won’t be met any more this year than they were last year.  No set up for failure.  None of that.

Just one word.

I ignored the first few people I saw who were joining this adventure.  Figured it wasn’t something I was going to take part in.  Then I couldn’t do it any more, it was on my mind to choose a word, pray for a word, I needed a word.

Trust.

Trust because I am tired of  panicking over the issues that come my way. 

Trust because it’s time for me to believe that God is never going to let go of me.

Trust because the road is hard & full of pot holes & I am sick of worrying.

The other day we were in a therapy session, me, Jadon, Kiahna & our newest therapist (who happens to come to our house) Tricia.  Tricia had a game for us to play.  It involved each of us getting a pack of skittles & pouring some out in front of us & then having to answer a question for each skittle we get to eat… clever girl this Tricia.

The session was mostly focused on Jadon, helping him process his latest visit with his “dad”.  The question for the red skittles was to say something you were “worried” about for each red skittle you had poured out in front of you.

Kiahna struggles to understand the meaning of the concept of “worry”… Jadon struggles to admit what has him “worried”… Tricia states that I could probably come up with something for each of our red skittles to be worried about.

True.

But, that is not the place I wish to live.  A place riddled in worry.  A place riddled in fear.  Because worry comes from fear.  And trusting in God is all that casts out fear.

“Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life.”                                                       Psalms 143:8

I know this.

Yet, I still worry.

I still get caught up in fear.

There is more than enough in each day of our lives here on earth to keep each of us very busy every day focused on all the things that are going wrong, could potentially go wrong, & all the people that are going the wrong way in our minds that we just want to “help” get going the right direction.

This I know.

This I wish to be rid of in my life.

Trust.

My one Word for 2012

Pam