My heart is bursting out of my chest as I write this. If I
can keep my fingers from shaking too much and get my thoughts together I will
attempt to share with you what’s in my heart. (side note: raw feelings about to be shared.)
I am a very private person. I’m also a “wear my heart on my
sleeve” person, aka emotions flow easily. When it comes to personal matters I
tend to keep it between me and whoever it may involve. I am not sure why I am
feeling the desire to share, but have recently read some different post,
letters, books, etc. that I guess lead me to this decision. This isn’t the
start of a daily, weekly, monthly sharing of my thoughts. For me it’s just a in
the moment type of thing. Who knows if or when I’ll share again.
Today is a day that my heart is aching. Over the last 5
years my heart has felt this feeling many times, but especially over the past ½
year. Honestly, I don’t even know where to begin or how to lay my thoughts out
there in a way to make sense. But I’ll try….
Zach and I began a journey together about 5 years ago that
we never actually chose to go on. It was something we never expected and is
a road we never wanted to travel. New life experiences are supposed to be
exciting, fun, exhilarating, filled with happiness, right? I have to admit when
we first decided to start a new chapter in our lives and wanted to start our
family, I was excited. That rush of oh my goodness we are going to be parents
this next year was so much fun to ponder. Then month after month, cycle after
cycle, that rush of joy started to turn into confusion. That confusion turned
into sadness. That sadness turned into fear.
After a couple years of not being able to conceive on our
own, we started looking into other options to help us with our desire to have a
family. We went to different doctors here and there, did lots of testing, took
this pill and that pill, blood work, scans, ultrasounds, simple procedures and
still NOTHING!!! Seriously, what the crap!
Here’s where my raw feelings come to play a little more. I
know zach and I are not perfect and we have much to improve on and learn still,
but we desire SO very much to raise a family and I cannot for the life of me
understand why it is so simple and easy for some. And for us it’s a HUGE
question mark! I can’t tell you how tired I am of hearing about all the oopsie
babies out there in the world that were either a surprise, an accident, not
wanted, unplanned……. UGH… I’ll take 1! Please, can I just at least have
1?!?!
Ok, calming down now, so we realized that what we were doing
wasn’t working and that we would need to take a large step forward and do IVF.
(in-vitro-fertilization) OH WOW! I couldn’t believe this opportunity was available
to us and that we were finally getting to do it. If you don’t know much about
IVF, just understand it’s something that isn’t easily accessible to do at any
time and when you want for MANY reasons. Mainly because (at least in my eyes)it’s
not covered by insurance, it’s like buying a brand new car and it isn’t a 1 day
take care of everything and your done. With that said, NOTHING would make me
say it’s not worth it when you realize your dreams may be coming true at the
end of it all!
So after many prayers of gratitude zach and I were able to
do IVF in October 2014. There were many doctor visits, ultrasounds, blood work,
shots in the belly, not feeling well moments, but it was all worth it as I knew
I could be holding our own beautiful baby within the next year. Zach and I were
hopeful, grateful, excited and happy. We knew our journey had finally taken a
turn in the direction we’d been praying for for years! The many people we
worked with to do IVF were amazing and so kind through it all. We truly were so
grateful for the experience. Once the final procedure was done, the waiting
game took a hold of us. Were our dreams coming true? Are our lives about to
change forever? In short, YES! Our lives were changed forever as we found out
we were expecting our first ever beautiful little baby. MY HEART WAS ON FIRE
with happiness!
Every day since we had found out and saw our little being
for the first time, I would cradle my belly and say I love you to our little
one all day long. I was so grateful. The moments of sharing the news with
family was beyond amazing. Tears come to me now as I just watched all those
moments before sitting down to write this. We recorded all our family members
finding out we were expecting and seeing the joy they had on their faces
overwhelms me.
I honestly can say I don’t think I have ever been so happy.
… the fact that I have to add a “but” here breaks my heart into a million
pieces one again. … How do I even explain what happened next? As I fight back
tears to share this tendered moment in my life I first want to say thank you to
ALL that shared in our joy and that have prayed for Zach and I. We have felt it
so much and can’t express in words how blessed we are with the best family and
friends out there.
(deep breath) On December 24, 2014 we went to a doctors
appointment where we were to hear our childs heartbeat for the first time (I
was 10 weeks along). We had seen a strong heartbeat 2 weeks prior and went to
this appointment full of smiles and joy to see our little one again and finally
hear the heartbeat. In one simple moment our lives literally stopped. The
doctor kept searching silently for a heartbeat and I just knew something was
not right. In that moment I felt lost, hopeless, shocked. It took all I had in me to sit up and hug
Zach. We then headed over to the hospital where they wanted to confirm what the
OB office saw. We saw our little angel which had grown in size since we saw it
last, but the heart was silent… had no movement. The worse pain I have ever
felt was in that moment. Everything came crashing down. There are no words I
can share to describe this experience.
“Dear God, I’m trusting you. I know you heard my prayer.
Your time, not mine.”
My heart sinks thinking about the family members that had to
hear our painful news on Christmas Eve. But I know with the family that we have
and the love that we all share, it was something that we needed to share and
something they would’ve wanted to hear then and not find out later. I can’t say
enough about the family and friends we have and the strength they gave us.
Through the couple of months I was given the blessing of carrying
a child, I am forever grateful. This little angel baby that we have looking
over us now is so amazing to think about. Although I wish with all my heart
that I could be holding my baby in a couple of months in my arms, I can still
look back and say I am so happy to have gone through IVF and experienced the
beauty that came from the pregnancy we had. Nothing will take a way that
experience and I will hold onto it forever.
“I may have only held you in my womb for a moment, but I
will hold you in my heart forever”
We may not know where our journey is going next or what
opportunities we may have ahead of us, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned,
it’s to never give up. I will forever have hope in my heart.
“Never give up on something you can’t go a day without
thinking about”
For those that knew about our journey and don’t know what to
do now or if you’re a friend/family hearing this news for the first time, one
thing I would ask is that you understand that being silent around me or avoiding
certain topics tend to make me feel more isolated. Like I said starting this
out, I am a private person and I do wear my heart on my sleeve, but isolation feels a
lot worse than shedding a few tears because a new baby is being talked about.
Please know I appreciate the respect, the giving me space and time, the not
wanting to stir the emotions, but I am ok. It may take me a moment to catch my
breath before engaging in baby talk, I may delay a congrats on your new bundle
of joy, it’s possible I will shed some tears in front of you… but that’s me.
And it’s all I can be. My love and joy for those out there expanding their own
families is there, promise. It’s just a little harder to show these days. I
understand the joy in that little heartbeat and wish nothing but the best on
your own journeys.
Thank you to everyone who has listened, lifted me up, been
understanding, prayed on our behalf and who has kept us in their hearts. We
really do have the best of friends and family.
