Myla's birth story

Leading up to Myla's birth the big question was....how is she going to come? The twins were easily planned as Kiptyn (baby A) was breach and was not changing position. This was confirmed many times as we had a lot of ultrasounds due to them being a high risk pregnancy. 

Miss Myla changed positions on us multiple times. Dr Sargent kept thinking she was breach, so towards the end (I think in the last month or so), he had me do an ultrasound to double check. Surprisingly she was head down! This got the wheels turning for the possibility she could come via VBAC.

As time went on and more weekly appointments happened, my Dr would check me and kept mentioning that he thinks she changed positions again and was breach. This was so confusing. I knew because I had already experienced a C-section, that I was ok with that happening again. It was actually what I was planning on and comfortable with. I was more anxious about a VBAC being possible. It seemed so unknown. And I guess to be honest, a little scary. If I would have done a vaginal birth with the twins, I would have ended up with an emergency C-section due to some complications.

Towards my last couple of appointments I remember telling the Dr I was good to just plan a C-section as he thought she was breach again anyways, and my body wasn't progressing on its own at all. So we set a date for 7/9/21 and I felt so good and excited about it. 

In the days leading up to Myla's birth, we made sure to spend time with Kiptyn and Teya. Our babies were about to be Big Brother and Big Sister. I couldn't wrap my brain around it. How did my cute little twinners become so big?! My babies weren't going to be the youngest in the family anymore! 

I was so excited to see them with their new baby sister, but still couldn't believe it was all happening. We played, went for ice cream and created all the memories we could before we went from a family of 4 to a family of 5. 

The night before (7/8/21) we dropped Kiptyn and Teya off at their Grammy and Grampy's house. They were going to watch them for us for a couple of days while we were at the hospital.

The morning of 7/9/21 we had a super early start. I was told to be at the hospital by 5AM!! I am not a morning person in general and the fact that I was up later then I should have been (still prepping for a baby) and because I was 39 weeks pregnant, I though that was pretty harsh, lol! But we did it. We made it to the hospital at 5am and then of course I was told we were early. I mean come on, whoever is calling patients needs to get the times right. Oh well, I was only 30 minutes early and they still took me back and got going. I just had to wait in the room a little longer then expected.

Once we were in our room and nurses started prepping me, I had major flashback to delivering the twins. I was feeling so excited to welcome a little baby into this world but there was a part of me that was anxious. To quickly recap....I lost a lot of blood during the twins delivery for multiple reasons and received multiple units of blood. I almost had a hysterectomy but thankfully the Dr held off and my body started healing, so no need. (thank goodness or I wouldn't have had the opportunity to carry my sweet Myla girl!)

Before delivery day I had talked with Dr Sargent a lot about my past delivery and my concerns. To prep for this delivery he said they would have units of blood in the delivery/surgery room on hand just in case it was needed. Since having the twins and needing blood transfusions, my heart has been so touched by the many people that donate blood as I was now a recipient of someone's generous donation. I've always thought it was a good thing to do, but once you become a recipient of something it hits a little differently. Knowing there was blood on hand just in case for Myla's delivery put me at ease. My heart was calm and I was ready to meet this sweet angel!

Once all the prepping was done which included many nurses doing their thing, Dr visiting and making sure we were good to go and reminding me there were units of blood just in case, the Nurse Anesthetist (CRNA) meeting me and telling all the things about my epidural and of course the baby care team on hand as well. It was time to do this. Bring on baby #3! 

Oh and one of the best parts was when Dr Sargent came in and after talking to us, he said "Alright lets go have a baby!" He said it with such joy and sincerity. He truly is a wonderful Dr and meant to deliver babies as he has so much love for what he does and believes all deliveries are a miracle. He retired 6 or so weeks after Myla and I was so glad we got him before he was done!

If I remember right, with the twins, i walked to the surgery room, this time around I was wheeled on the bed. So after a short cruise down the hall, we were in the room and it was a buzz. People everywhere getting ready for our cute baby girl's arrival. 

The epidural went well. Its not fun to get a humongous needle in your back, but I've heard not great stories of how it can sometimes go for a mama to be, so I'll take the non complicated version I got. I really liked the CRNA's I had for each delivery for my kiddos. They have always been so kind and supportive. Once that part was done I feel like reality hit! Ready or not, they are about to open you up and take out a baby! And again, our sweet Dr was so happy and excited to get this baby girl here.

At exactly 8:06am Myla Powell was born. 💜 Delivery went smooth, with no complications. I couldn't have been more grateful. She was healthy and so was her mama! The Dr noted right away that she was a redhead. I was shocked! Couldn't believe we were getting another beautiful red haired girl in the family. 

 Myla Powell - 6lbs 15oz - 19inches - 7/9/21

 

I felt more present then I did with her siblings delivery. I remember things happening and going on around me and not feeling so sick this time. We even got a cute picture of baby, mama and dad shortly after delivery. (thanks to the CRNA) I still closed my eyes for a little after they took Myla to get her check up. I still got really shaky and felt a little off, but I think thats because I'm opened up on a table and people are working on putting me together. 

I have to say, I am proud of myself and my body. Growing a baby and then having my body go through surgery to get her here is no easy feat and I will go ahead and pat myself on the back 😄

Once baby was looked over and showing that she was healthy, they wrapped her up and gave her back to me and we took a little ride to our room that we would be in for a few days. 

A big difference between Myla's delivery and the twins delivery was..... Covid. The hospital had rules/regulations in place that prevented any family from coming to the hospital to visit. I feel like I barely got Zach there! Such crazy times. So no grandparents could visit (my parents were on a mission anyways so they couldn't be there, but Zach's parents couldn't visit). The biggest thing that made me sad about no visitors was Big Bother and Big Sister couldn't come visit. I was so looking forward to that first meeting in the hospital and pictured it in my head, but i guess rules are rules. Zach did have to wear a mask whenever anyone came in to the room and all staff was required to mask up as well. As I was the patient and had to be tested for Covid prior to delivery day, I did not have to mask up. Which was wonderful. 

Although we missed visitors it was really nice at the same time to just be with Myla and bond with her. She melted our hearts right away. We knew she was meant to be in our lives and our family. So lucky are we to be her parents. I thank God for her and the Joy that she is. She is such a light for us in our lives and I am extremely happy that I am her mama and that I was able to carry her for all those months.

The only "complications" I would say that arose were after and during recovery for me. Long story short: I was in pain, uncomfortable, went to the ER (hardest thing to do as I left my newborn baby girl at home with grandparents) got checked out after waiting HOURS -worst experience ever- didn't really get any sort of answers as to why I was feeling what I was. But I did get confirmation that I had no fluid in my lungs and my heart was healthy and working as it should. That put our minds at ease. It took the next couple of weeks to start feeling a little better but I got through it and all is well! And if you're wondering these were my symptoms: major swelling, horrible back pain from the middle and up, hard to breathe and light headed. 

Anyway lets end this on a good note. Kiptyn and Teya meeting their baby sister was the sweetest moment and I'm pretty sure my heart exploded. They instantly had a beautiful bond and love for her. 

Myla, you were what our family was missing even when we didn't know it. Thank you for choosing our family. We adore you. Love you baby girl! Forever and Always, No Matter What.

Just for Fun. Who looks like who???

Journey to Baby Girl (#2)

 The last four years with the twins have been.... well, a crazy adventure! I wouldn't trade any of the crazy for anything though. For years we didn't even know if we would have the family that we do now. So we are grateful and know we are blessed to have these miracles in our lives. 

Personally over these years I have felt so content and happy with our little family. To be honest when we talked about possibly adding more, I was hesitant. It was hard to think of our family changing. I was comfortable with the twins. And I think if I am being honest, I wasn't sure how I felt about going through the process again of IVF.

Since doing IVF to get the twins, we have always known we had 2 embryos frozen. It was hard to think of what we would do with them if we didn't do another round of IVF. At the same time I couldn't help but wonder, "Is our family complete?"

Thinking of doing another round was overwhelming. It took 2 Fresh Cycles of IVF (that included the painful loss of our first baby) and a Frozen IVF cycle to get Kiptyn and Teya in our lives. Could my heart handle doing it all again? Would my body do what was needed to make this last chance a success? One thing I knew for sure was once we used our final two frozen embryos, I would not do another fresh cycle. So this would be our last go at IVF.

Time passed and here came 2020. We got serious about if we wanted to move forward and how/when. Conversation started with the fertility clinic early in the year (January) and we were set to have our first appointment with them in April 2020. Then things got crazy with lockdowns, flights being canceled/changed, offices closing down, etc. So things were on hold for a few more months. We didn't know what this meant and when we would be able to move forward. So with things not in our control (which, when are they really ever in our control) we waited and let the summer pass. 

Come fall we had appointments going again and a time set for our embryo transfer. In October medications were in full swing. This meant it was back to the big needles that needed to be done intramuscular on my behind. Oh man, I did not miss those shots! But ya have do what ya have to do! We traveled to St George where our fertility clinic is for the big event. 

For us it ended up being great timing as our kids got to celebrate their 4th Birthday with cousins and other family. Living in Oregon they haven't had that opportunity yet. It was so much fun and I loved celebrating them and seeing them so very happy!

Transfer day came and things got real. Of course it didn't go as smoothly as expected. (now please realize i am not an expert on what things are called in the medical world, so I am just using my own words) During the transfer, the Dr had a hard time getting the tube that the embryo's would pass through into the correct position. There was some scarring that didn't really show on some previously done ultrasounds, that was preventing him from entering the uterus. He tried going around/up and over the scarring but no luck. Mind you, this is all happening inside of me while I am awake and things are getting uncomfortable. We realized it was taking longer then expected and our minds started wondering if we were even going to able to complete the process today. Then of course my mind goes further and thinks, they just unfroze my last 2 embryo's, what happens to those if they can't do this today?!

Let's just say Zach and I started to worry. I could tell my Dr was doing everything he could to get things to work. Finally he said he was going to try and push through the scarring as that seemed like the only answer at this point. Again, I am awake and feeling all of this. AND OH MY GOODNESS IT HURT! So very painful. At one point I thought "ok, ok enough! Its not going to work." 

Then a miracle happened...He got through! He got into the uterus and could complete the transfer. Hallelujah! After this intense event happened, he told us there is a 3% chance of something like this happening. Very unusual..... Wow! 

Now the (dare i say) even harder part came. The waiting game. And the question of "Do I take a pregnancy test early at home or wait for the blood test?" Well lets just say I have never had patience in waiting for the blood test. I waited as long as I could (8 days) and then tested at home. Then came a big fat POSITIVE. Wahoo, success! A few days later blood work confirmed everything. Numbers were great and we were officially pregnant.

Baby is due July 15, 2021. Bittersweet as our first little one was due July 22 (2015). I knew going into this I would basically have the same timeline as that pregnancy and it made things a little more emotional. PTSD crept in often and it was hard to not be in my head or let worry run my thoughts. 

At the beginning of all this I asked God to please bless me with peace. No matter what, I wanted to feel as little stress as possible and just enjoy the journey I was going through. I can tell you that I felt that Peace. I know He has been with me and helped me through the process. When my mind wandered and I wanted to spiral, He was there. When i felt overwhelmed or nervous, that Peace filled my heart. No, things didn't go perfectly. No we weren't 100% confident in things working out. But knowing He was with me and providing me Peace when i most needed it was all I could ask for.

So here we are. 20 weeks have passed and we now know we have a Baby GIRL joining our family in July 2021. Feeling her small movements brings me so much joy. Seeing the anatomy scan and her little body wiggling brings a smile to my face. God is good. He hears us and knows when we need him most. Our journey through life will not be as we planned and sometimes not how we hoped. But I am grateful to have a Light guiding me through the dark.

To end, I have to say Thank You. We have so many friends and family that have been with us on this journey. We thank you for thinking of us, praying for us and supporting us along the way. We love you!

The Beginning of FOUR

Birth Story: 11-1-16

The morning of my scheduled C-section on November 1, 2016 I think I woke up around 6:30. Honestly, I can’t remember as I waited 8 months to write everything down. I’m pretty sure we had to be there an hour before my scheduled appointment, which if I remember correctly was at 8:30. So I’m thinking we left our house around 7ish in the morning to arrive at the hospital at 7:30.

I remember on the way to the hospital I was kind of glad the delivery was all scheduled out. It was nice driving to the hospital free of pain/contractions and just being able to talk with the hubby about our excitement for a day we’d waited about 6.5 years for! Knowing you’re on the way to the hospital to deliver your babies is the craziest feeling. I do have to point out that although I was experiencing all sorts of feelings that morning, I did have a sense of peace. (which later was a comfort)

We got to the Labor and Delivery entrance and parked the car, grabbed the bags, took my last bump pic outside the entrance, signed in, waited for the nurse to come get us and then we were off to the prep room. When I was first told that we had to arrive so early, I was like “what could take so long during prep that we have to be an hour early?” Well I can’t remember everything that took place, but we definitely took up the time. I had to change in to my awesome gown, zach changed in to his awesome outfit, nurse after nurse after nurse came in, I was told about the process (multiple times), I was instructed about the epidural, they prepped my body, I got IV’s, they hooked me up to monitors to hear the babies heartbeats, they checked the babies to makes sure all was well annnndddd….. probably more happened, but you get the point!

One specific moment I will always remember is, I was asked if I wanted to check the position of the babies. (FYI: With twins, if Baby A is breech then they do a C-section. If not, then you can do a vaginal delivery.) They ask because if there is a chance they are not breech you can opt out of the scheduled surgery. Baby A has always been breech and Baby B was usually transverse. Before that morning, I kept hoping Baby A would change positions as I wanted to go through the labor process and experience the delivery vaginally if possible. It wasn’t until that morning that I had a change of heart. I felt I was mentally prepared to go in and have a C-section so I opted to not check their positions.

 Throughout all the prepping Zach and I were of course taking pictures and just grinning from ear to ear. Had this day really come? Were we about to become parents to TWO little ones?! Oh my goodness we were eager to get things going. And then the moment came. The nurse took us down the hallway and we entered the delivery room

There was more prep and procedures the teams all had to do. Yes, teamS.  As in 2, because there were 2 babies about to come out of me. I remember entering the room, sitting on the table and then getting the epidural. I remember it being somewhat painful but nothing to scream about. It was basically uncomfortable and I remember thinking “That was NOT very pleasant”. I then laid down, stretched my arms to the side, and a sheet was placed between me and my belly. And of course Zach was sitting there by myside at this point.

I was feeling anxious as they start telling me how they are testing my body to see how the numbness is going. They have some sort of device that they poked me with and asked if I can feel the poke. When they first started doing it, I was able to feel most pokes and was like oh man, please don’t start cutting yet I can still feel everything! But no worries, at one point they were still testing and the next thing I know they say “oh, well they just did your catheter and you didn’t flinch so it must be working”. HAHA umm ok!

And so it began. The doctors were ready, nurses were ready and ma and pa to be were ready! I was told I wouldn’t feel much besides pressure here and there. And that was very true. Oh and that my body would most likely be shaky as a reaction to everything. It seemed to go pretty quick and the next thing I know I feel pressure and am told here comes baby A! He’s out, He’s out! My little boy has entered the world. A rush of Love filled my body. I already knew there was an instant joy for this little being. Next thing I know they are bringing this little boy around the sheet. My Heart Burst. I have a SON! Tears start streaming down my face.

 

After showing him off to me they take him to his team of nurses to get checked out. And then all within 2 minutes I am told Baby B is here! I have a Daughter. I have a beautiful little girl….My heart is overwhelmed with joy! Oh my goodness I have another baby. There’s 2 of them. I’m a mama! So much love and joy is flowing through me at this point I’m in a state of euphoria. My baby girl then peeks around the corner to say hello before getting checked out like her brother.

 

During all of this Zach was doing the dad thing, taking pictures and showing off how proud he was. And boy was he proud! You couldn’t stop him from smiling. He was just the cutest.

When baby boy was checked out and doing well, they brought him over while I was still getting worked on and laid him on my chest. Ahhhhhh. When I knew I’d be getting a C-section I desired to still do some skin to skin and was so grateful it happened soon after their birth. He laid on me for what only seemed like 30 seconds and something started to change within me. This yucky feeling, light headedness and overall not doing well came over me. I told the doctors and they adjusted some of my fluids to help me feel better. It did help, but I asked the nurses to take him off my chest as I felt too weak to hold him. Soon after I felt a little better and they asked if I wanted baby girl placed on my chest. I of course said Yes as I wanted to experience that moment with her also. But unfortunately, that moment was cut very short as I started to feel very ill.

They took her off and I started to feel worse. During the same time, I heard one of the doctors ask for another doctor to come in and assist. After that my memory is a little fuzzy. I remember feeling ill like I wanted to throw up, feeling very weak and like I wanted to pass out (maybe I did) and my body was shaking uncontrollably. It Was Horrible! Here I was in the midst of the best moments of my life and all I wanted to do was sit there with my eyes closed. I started to feel more pressure from below and some pulling and tugging. Later (after all this happened) Zach told me he ended up looking over the sheet and saw a ton of rags soaked with my blood. I was told that in the moment they were considering a blood transfusion in the surgical room but got things under control enough that they decided to wait.

Things settled down, I was taken care of and glued back together. I was rolled in to a recovery room just off the surgical room where I was a little more alert and was told what happened. I honestly don’t remember much of what they said overall, just some highlights as my brain was not functioning like usual. I was told there was a possibility that I would be getting a hysterectomy if the bleeding persisted. Honestly in that moment I felt peace. The first thing that entered my mind was, “That’s ok. I have 2 miracles”. They stated I hemorrhaged because my uterus was not contracting down and I had a placenta that was not releasing from me as it should and they had to forcefully remove it. (as I said before, I wasn’t grasping everything they were saying in the moment. I was told this all again later). In my fuzzy state I was just glad to be done with the surgery and wanted to see my babies. Thankfully they were right there and the nurses laid them on my chest. Best Moment Ever! Having both of my new littles ones on my chest was the most beautiful feeling ever. I’ll never forget those moments. I am very grateful that both of the babies did not need to go the NICU. If they had, I don’t know when I would have seen them with the state I was in.

The next thing I really remember is being wheeled in to my new room where all the craziness began. I did end up getting 2 units of blood that day and another unit on the 4th day in the hospital. It was a rough start to a new family of four and I hate that I don’t remember some of the first moments/days of my kids lives. Zach was a superhero though and was basically nominated “best hubby” by the staff. As I couldn’t move and was very weak, he did it ALL.

I am forever grateful for the doctors and nurses that were with me that day and saved my life. I am grateful for the blood I received and for those who donated it. I am grateful I didn’t check to see if the position of the babies had changed, as a vaginal delivery would have ended in an emergency C-section. I am grateful for my husband who was by my side the entire time and was providing the support and love I needed. I am grateful for family and friends that were praying on my behalf as I needed those prayers that morning. I am grateful for the peace I had going in to all this. And I am grateful for my Heavenly Father blessing me that day, so I could continue my life on earth with my new family.

           Kiptyn Zach Powell                                                 Teya Powell
           5lbs 10oz                                                                  5lbs 8oz

           18.5 inches                                                               19 inches

           9:27am                                                                     9:29am

        

Holding On

Have you ever planned and prepared for something and felt so good about the end result being what you desired because you just knew things were going to work out so very perfect? But then all of a sudden......SMACK! Everything comes crashing down, your stunned and not sure where to turn? Welcome to my world these past few months.
From a previous post I wrote, I mentioned how we had received the blessing of a donation. That got things in motion for us to do IVF once again. We were on cloud 9 knowing we didn't have to wait so long to move forward with things because of the generous help we had received. We knew a couple of things to change from the last IVF cycle we did that would benefit this next cycle. We kept thinking, "This is it! This is our time!"
Here is a small glimpse of what happened this cycle: huge headaches because my Oregon health provider is hard to work with, more daily shots then last round (yay for shots 2x a day), took new medication to help the quality of the eggs (yay for even more shots!), had extra daily ultrasounds in Utah because my eggs decided to grow at a snails pace, panic as i thought the eggs weren't going to progress as needed and we'd go home without doing the embryo transfer, then relief knowing we could still do the transfer and that we had more high quality embryos this round, then the dreaded 2 week wait again and then a big fat NEGATIVE! Really?! Did that just happen?
When Zach and I found out IVF had failed this round we were both in shock. I honestly didn't believe it. Yes, we took a pregnancy test early and yes you are not supposed to. SO because I knew you weren't supposed to I told myself it wasn't true. BUT last time I took the test early and it was positive so I was all sorts of confused. Well, the next day was my blood test and lets just say I didn't need to go in for the test as my body already told me I wasn't pregnant, but I did it any way. Why? Well for 2 reasons: 1- I called my fertility nurse in Utah and she said to do the blood work as they are surprised sometimes and 2- I wasn't really going to believe anything until I got an official answer from the doctors office. Basically I just like to torment myself and keep thinking everything will turn around and be just how I want it!
Well that didn't happen and I got a phone call telling me "I'm sorry but you're not pregnant." It's official then. This round of IVF failed. No future baby Powell is growing inside me. Now what? What do we do? How do we feel? I can't really answer the what do we do now question, but i can share how we felt: discouraged, frustrated, angry, lost, sad. Not too many positive feelings at the moment.
I shared with family the outcome and something I said to them was how this journey has so many hard things to go through, but one of the hard things for me now is knowing how many people have been praying for us, donated money to help us do IVF again, sent well wishes, kept us in their thoughts....and now I have disappointment (once again) to share with them. That honestly hurts my heart so much. Zach and I are so grateful for the love we've received. It would be the BEST feeling ever to share wonderful news back with those who have helped us in soooo many ways.
Man oh man this journey has been all over the place. To bring some good news in to the picture, we do have some extra embryos that made it! They are currently frozen and in the care of our fertility team in Utah. Can I just say how WONDERFUL it is to know we have the possibility to do a frozen embryo cycle and not a fresh cycle! If there's something positive to pull from this experience, its that we have some embryos waiting for us when we try again, Hallelujah! For those that don't know too much about IVF, if you do a frozen embryo transfer it is less money then a fresh cycle and not as many medications because you're not having to grow and produce eggs to create embryos as that part was already completed.
So there is my Hope.
We still have many questions for our doctor who we are waiting to talk with. I am not sure when or how our next step will happen.
I do want to end this with how I am currently feeling. This tends to change daily as some days I am better then others. But today I can't help but realize how much my Heavenly Father knows me and what I need to keep going. Through the trials I have been dealt he has been there providing the comfort I need. I have been surrounded by the best family and friends. MY HEART IS SO FULL knowing the love that is sent my (our) way. Thank you to everyone who keeps me going, lets me feel what I'm feeling and supports me in ways I didn't know I needed.
December is a month I wasn't sure how I was going to feel. I thought I would be pregnant again and that all the horrible days we experienced last year around the holidays would then be turned into something good. I know some day I will understand the "why's" that clutter my mind. For now I just appreciate everyone listening and allowing the hard days to be hard, but helping me pick myself up and create some good days in between. Seriously, my heart is BURSTING with gratitude for you all!

Sending my love to everyone this Christmas season.

P.s. a huge shout out to my husband. I'd be even more lost if i didn't have you by my side. Love you forever!

A Simple Thank You

“Hope is the only thing stronger than fear”

This past weekend my family came to visit for the first time since we moved to Oregon 4.5 years ago.  It was the greatest and I am so grateful they all made the long trip out here. We had such a blast and made some great memories for sure!

There’s a moment that stood out to me during our get together. A moment that I don’t think I could ever forget. The first night we were all together, we had a little devotional and my dad started talking about Hope. Hope is something that pulls at my heart strings and is a word that’s always on my mind. Throughout our journey I’ve told Zach that I wouldn’t be able to keep going if I didn’t believe in Hope. That one simple word gives me the courage, drive and desire to keep going. Without it I would have nothing to push me or look forward to.

As a family we talked about Hope and what it means and then Zach and I received an envelope. In that envelope was our family, friends and neighbors support and love. In that envelope was a surprise donation on our behalf to keep our Hope alive. The overwhelming amount of love we felt in that moment is indescribable. To know so many people sacrificed on our behalf and gave what they could to us is so very humbling. I honestly do not know what to say except Thank You.

I told my mom after receiving such a gift, that I felt I needed to know who all donated so I could send a thank you note and someday return the favor back. Knowing this was an anonymous thing and no one knows who actually donated, all I can do is try and get this message to those who did and hopefully, down the road, we can pay it forward someday.

For Zach and I to know how loved we are and how hopeful others are for us, we are overwhelmed with gratitude. Thank you to everyone that donated, that keeps us in their prayers and that sends us love. We are honored.

We are looking forward to our next step in this journey! We love you all!!

“In the end we only regret the chances we didn’t take”

Zach and Janae

A peek inside my heart

My heart is bursting out of my chest as I write this. If I can keep my fingers from shaking too much and get my thoughts together I will attempt to share with you what’s in my heart.  (side note: raw feelings about to be shared.)

I am a very private person. I’m also a “wear my heart on my sleeve” person, aka emotions flow easily. When it comes to personal matters I tend to keep it between me and whoever it may involve. I am not sure why I am feeling the desire to share, but have recently read some different post, letters, books, etc. that I guess lead me to this decision. This isn’t the start of a daily, weekly, monthly sharing of my thoughts. For me it’s just a in the moment type of thing. Who knows if or when I’ll share again.

Today is a day that my heart is aching. Over the last 5 years my heart has felt this feeling many times, but especially over the past ½ year. Honestly, I don’t even know where to begin or how to lay my thoughts out there in a way to make sense. But I’ll try….

Zach and I began a journey together about 5 years ago that we never actually chose to go on. It was something we never expected and is a road we never wanted to travel. New life experiences are supposed to be exciting, fun, exhilarating, filled with happiness, right? I have to admit when we first decided to start a new chapter in our lives and wanted to start our family, I was excited. That rush of oh my goodness we are going to be parents this next year was so much fun to ponder. Then month after month, cycle after cycle, that rush of joy started to turn into confusion. That confusion turned into sadness. That sadness turned into fear.

After a couple years of not being able to conceive on our own, we started looking into other options to help us with our desire to have a family. We went to different doctors here and there, did lots of testing, took this pill and that pill, blood work, scans, ultrasounds, simple procedures and still NOTHING!!! Seriously, what the crap!

Here’s where my raw feelings come to play a little more. I know zach and I are not perfect and we have much to improve on and learn still, but we desire SO very much to raise a family and I cannot for the life of me understand why it is so simple and easy for some. And for us it’s a HUGE question mark! I can’t tell you how tired I am of hearing about all the oopsie babies out there in the world that were either a surprise, an accident, not wanted, unplanned……. UGH… I’ll take 1! Please, can I just at least have 1?!?! 

Ok, calming down now, so we realized that what we were doing wasn’t working and that we would need to take a large step forward and do IVF. (in-vitro-fertilization) OH WOW! I couldn’t believe this opportunity was available to us and that we were finally getting to do it. If you don’t know much about IVF, just understand it’s something that isn’t easily accessible to do at any time and when you want for MANY reasons. Mainly because (at least in my eyes)it’s not covered by insurance, it’s like buying a brand new car and it isn’t a 1 day take care of everything and your done. With that said, NOTHING would make me say it’s not worth it when you realize your dreams may be coming true at the end of it all!

So after many prayers of gratitude zach and I were able to do IVF in October 2014. There were many doctor visits, ultrasounds, blood work, shots in the belly, not feeling well moments, but it was all worth it as I knew I could be holding our own beautiful baby within the next year. Zach and I were hopeful, grateful, excited and happy. We knew our journey had finally taken a turn in the direction we’d been praying for for years! The many people we worked with to do IVF were amazing and so kind through it all. We truly were so grateful for the experience. Once the final procedure was done, the waiting game took a hold of us. Were our dreams coming true? Are our lives about to change forever? In short, YES! Our lives were changed forever as we found out we were expecting our first ever beautiful little baby. MY HEART WAS ON FIRE with happiness!  

Every day since we had found out and saw our little being for the first time, I would cradle my belly and say I love you to our little one all day long. I was so grateful. The moments of sharing the news with family was beyond amazing. Tears come to me now as I just watched all those moments before sitting down to write this. We recorded all our family members finding out we were expecting and seeing the joy they had on their faces overwhelms me.

I honestly can say I don’t think I have ever been so happy. … the fact that I have to add a “but” here breaks my heart into a million pieces one again. … How do I even explain what happened next? As I fight back tears to share this tendered moment in my life I first want to say thank you to ALL that shared in our joy and that have prayed for Zach and I. We have felt it so much and can’t express in words how blessed we are with the best family and friends out there.

(deep breath) On December 24, 2014 we went to a doctors appointment where we were to hear our childs heartbeat for the first time (I was 10 weeks along). We had seen a strong heartbeat 2 weeks prior and went to this appointment full of smiles and joy to see our little one again and finally hear the heartbeat. In one simple moment our lives literally stopped. The doctor kept searching silently for a heartbeat and I just knew something was not right. In that moment I felt lost, hopeless, shocked.  It took all I had in me to sit up and hug Zach. We then headed over to the hospital where they wanted to confirm what the OB office saw. We saw our little angel which had grown in size since we saw it last, but the heart was silent… had no movement. The worse pain I have ever felt was in that moment. Everything came crashing down. There are no words I can share to describe this experience.

“Dear God, I’m trusting you. I know you heard my prayer. Your time, not mine.”

My heart sinks thinking about the family members that had to hear our painful news on Christmas Eve. But I know with the family that we have and the love that we all share, it was something that we needed to share and something they would’ve wanted to hear then and not find out later. I can’t say enough about the family and friends we have and the strength they gave us.

Through the couple of months I was given the blessing of carrying a child, I am forever grateful. This little angel baby that we have looking over us now is so amazing to think about. Although I wish with all my heart that I could be holding my baby in a couple of months in my arms, I can still look back and say I am so happy to have gone through IVF and experienced the beauty that came from the pregnancy we had. Nothing will take a way that experience and I will hold onto it forever.

“I may have only held you in my womb for a moment, but I will hold you in my heart forever”

We may not know where our journey is going next or what opportunities we may have ahead of us, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s to never give up. I will forever have hope in my heart.

“Never give up on something you can’t go a day without thinking about”

For those that knew about our journey and don’t know what to do now or if you’re a friend/family hearing this news for the first time, one thing I would ask is that you understand that being silent around me or avoiding certain topics tend to make me feel more isolated. Like I said starting this out, I am a private person and I do wear my heart on my sleeve, but isolation feels a lot worse than shedding a few tears because a new baby is being talked about. Please know I appreciate the respect, the giving me space and time, the not wanting to stir the emotions, but I am ok. It may take me a moment to catch my breath before engaging in baby talk, I may delay a congrats on your new bundle of joy, it’s possible I will shed some tears in front of you… but that’s me. And it’s all I can be. My love and joy for those out there expanding their own families is there, promise. It’s just a little harder to show these days. I understand the joy in that little heartbeat and wish nothing but the best on your own journeys.

Thank you to everyone who has listened, lifted me up, been understanding, prayed on our behalf and who has kept us in their hearts. We really do have the best of friends and family.