fawn
27
(doctor!)
singapore/ sunny coast
melbourne! ♥
(would love to bake for a cafe/
?bird & brie)
wallflower
☁
my brother says i am
a cumulonimbus cloud :)

also

joy unspeakable that won’t go away
and just enough strength to live for today
so i never have to worry
what tomorrow will bring
‘cause my faith is on a solid rock
i am counting on God
♡
in dreams and in love
there are no impossibilities.
- jános arany
☼
You make all things
work together for my good.

people

rong; yurong; diana; may;
peiyu; caleb; kevin; daniel; joel;
lois; susanna; june; jane; cheryl;
yuwan; christina; jocelyn;
ivy; mangyik; jasmine; ida; valerie;
jason; joab; shaun; jintat;
jonathan chua; freedy; gary;
iris; sammy; nicky;

love

history

March 2005; April 2005; May 2005; June 2005; July 2005; August 2005; September 2005; October 2005; November 2005; December 2005; January 2006; February 2006; March 2006; April 2006; May 2006; June 2006; July 2006; August 2006; September 2006; October 2006; November 2006; December 2006; January 2007; February 2007; March 2007; April 2007; May 2007; June 2007; July 2007; August 2007; September 2007; October 2007; November 2007; December 2007; January 2008; February 2008; March 2008; April 2008; May 2008; June 2008; July 2008; August 2008; September 2008; October 2008; November 2008; December 2008; January 2009; February 2009; March 2009; April 2009; May 2009; June 2009; July 2009; August 2009; September 2009; October 2009; November 2009; December 2009; January 2010; February 2010; March 2010; April 2010; May 2010; June 2010; July 2010; August 2010; September 2010; October 2010; November 2010; December 2010; January 2011; February 2011; March 2011; April 2011; May 2011; June 2011; July 2011; August 2011; September 2011; October 2011; November 2011; December 2011; January 2012; February 2012; March 2012; April 2012; May 2012; June 2012; July 2012; August 2012; September 2012; October 2012; November 2012; December 2012; January 2013; February 2013; March 2013; April 2013; May 2013; June 2013; July 2013; August 2013; September 2013; October 2013; November 2013; December 2013; January 2014; February 2014; March 2014; April 2014; May 2014; June 2014; July 2014; August 2014; September 2014; October 2014; November 2014; January 2015; February 2015; March 2015; April 2015; May 2015; June 2015; July 2015; August 2015; February 2016; March 2016; April 2016; June 2016; July 2016; August 2016; September 2016; October 2016; November 2016;

credits

Hosts: blogger; photobucket
Layout: /strawberrying

words i wish i could say and mean.

clinical skills lecture, with a kind of freaky video on how to do a pap smear, then spc presentations (obstructive uropathy and breast cancer) which went over our heads, but the breast cancer group baked boob muffins and now our group wants me to bake iron muffins (just normal muffins with Fe2+ on them). but i don't know how to bake flat muffins.

had lunch with the group, then clinical skills tute with kh, then went home and ate junk and read. and took the live mouse out, it's getting bigger. :) it's been around for one week now. :)

read bits of the article my pcl tutor sent around, it had stuff i was supposed to look up today so i'm spared. :)

i'm itching to start a new roll of film! :b

hp tute at 8am tomorrow, which is a drag. we don't even know if our tutor will be there (he's been uncontactable for the past 2 weeks+, and didn't give us any feedback for our project proposals which were due in last friday). and we haven't received feedback from tholt either. but i trust her to give it back to us soonish, considering we only sent it to her this week. but yes the only reason i'm going tomorrow morning at 8 is so we get a chance to start working on the project. we are quite possibly the only group who hasn't actually done anything. and then the critical learning incident reports will be available for collection tomorrow as well.

the student life people flew back today/ are flying back today, i wish they could take me back with them.. :\ oh well uni in sg is starting soon anyway. and there are bits of sg still available to me even while i'm here, and i know that in that i am blessed. :)





love at daybreak;

the mouse was dead when i got home. we'll bury her in the heart of the grave tomorrow morning, on the slope that leads to the apartment.

i made banana pancakes (there's still a lot of batter left in the fridge), then cooked dinner, everything was overloaded with salt. the fridge is full of vegetables.

and i argued and talked until i was so tired and broken. and again i didn't get any work done although i had quite a few hours. although i did send my pcl in.

went through my script once. i can't remember what i'm supposed to say, the words swim in my head, and i can't look at the audience. it wasn't this difficult in taylors.

and i found out that you're supposed to take mefenamic acid before, and not during. i guess that's why it doesn't help? i don't know. i'm not looking forward to the next time.

tomorrow:
lecture
spc presentations
spc rehearsal/ lunch
clinical skills tute

dinner at nando's with the girls tomorrow. :) and steamboat dinner at sheryl's on saturday, if we can make it. :)


slice of heaven.

today is a pretty day! okay not so much right now but this afternoon. :D SO NICE. haha.

okay the first 2 hours of lectures were very nonsense. the second lecture had 23 pages worth of slides! :O had lunch and then started reading salem falls in john medley. then went for the last lecture about menorrhagia. the lecturer asked me a question! i didn't know the answer so i just repeated what someone else said.

went to clayton to get groceries, i think i overbought veg. haha. tons of it. but then yuwan's cooking fibre for cg so i guess that's not so bad. didn't buy real fish. met grace's mum when i got back haha. she's flying back tomorrow.

then i went to swim! haha. felt so good to be able to walk outside in fbts okay. :D :D :D can you imagine! haha. swimming was good too. haven't swum since summer holidays!

feel like banana pancakes! :)


a faith proved of more worth than gold.

i slept before 1am because i was tired. i set my alarm at 7.30 but i only got up at 9.04, rushed to get ready and didn't have time to find the missing mouse before leaving. but i closed my room door and made sure it didn't run out when i went out the front door so it was trapped inside.

cbp was alright today. watched both roleplay dvds and did a worksheet, took notes etc. used an acer laptop today, which was a lot better than the ancient hp one i used last week. i'd still rather use picky. was let off early again (before 4).

went to the ian potter gallery/ museum/ whatever it's called, the ngv shop, but the girl said the only place you can get lenses is from the website, they don't bring it in because there isn't a demand. she asked me to buy a heap of film from there too to offset the shipping charges. sigh please tell me if you're going to america.

then i went to get groceries and took the frankston train to caulfield. did a bit of sudoku while waiting for the bus, and while i was on the bus, and then yuwan came onto the bus too haha. after she gave up memorising her script for thursday, i passed the sudoku to her and napped the headache away.

GUESS WHO WE SAW AT THE BUS LOOP. haha. for confidentiality purposes i will not write her name here. but it was quite cool meeting her. haha. then a bunch of people were going to rock kung for cissy's birthday dinner (crab noodles and roast duck!), so the three of us plus ting squeezed into the back of keith's car and he sent us almost home. :) oh he gave us apples too. haha.

when we got back, we found the mouse lying on its side with its legs sticking into the air. :\ the other one was still missing, but i found it in yuwan's room, playing with the balloons. we took the sick one out and put the well one in. the sick one started going into spasms and we didn't know what to do except hold it and try to keep it warm because it was freezing. :\

why am i sleepy all the timeee. :(

the photos on kevin's blog make me want to go home.


here before my eyes-

baked spicy oatmeal raisin cookies today, while we were having dinner. :) again, recipe off sus' blog. haha. have to figure out how to make them not so flat.

uni today was alright. 8-1, short day. :) and i had periperi for lunch. :)

our last lecture for the day was ovulation and menstruation cycles. our lecturer was 15 mins late and we were ready to leave by the time he got there. he didn't apologise, just introduced himself as the chairman of the dept of obgyn, but he didn't say where (so dodgy right). the lecture went on until 1.07ish, the people in the lecture after ours kept opening the automatic doors and he would just give them the look as if it actually had any effect. they just kept doing it. then their lecturer came and he chased her out, saying "i've had enough of bleeding women for today." seriously. ?! and, he was the one who was 15 mins late in the first place.

hmm the time of the day i hate the most, but then the stars were out and i did say stuff i've been needing to say for a while and so that was good. smileee thanks for the company. :)

i can't wait.

haha sebas asked me to download no you hang up and said it was like our conversations in j1. but actually we never really did that i think. he said he was talking to kevin about those conversations and kevin said they were so boring. haha. repetitive, yes. ;p oh well. nonsense conversations to keep us awake as we mug. kind of miss those days. :x

and i really miss being able to wear shorts and tshirt out too. :(


between the words;


for every reason to be upset and down and emo, there is a better reason to be happy, joyful. :) i have to keep reminding myself if not i forget.

went for the pain and suffering cds (okay, sinners in the hands of an angry God?) and uncle kelvin and aunty eliada (i think i'm allowed to call them that since they knew me when i was like ten) showed pictures of the love turkey team. i still remember some of the photos daddy showed me when he got back (in 1999), of fishes swimming in the streets because of the flooding. and i really hadn't thought of the dodgy construction or corruption to be part of the reason. or a large part of the reason. hmm.

joab brought us to brandon park to get some stuff, then we went home and i baked apple banana choc chip muffins (recipe off sus' blog ;p). but i didn't know how to measure things like 5g or 2g so i just agar-ed. too sweet, they said. plus they didn't rise enough.. maybe i should just use the self-raising flour the next time.

dinner at morton with yus rachel rachel celine ian sam calvin jason jimmy (jimmy is our neighbour from china). :) food was good except for the bittergourd haha. one of the vegs yuwan will never be able to get me to eat..

after dinner there was a bit of a crisis but we averted scary possible outcomes by staying at morton until almost 10, we brought the keyboard up to ian's new room and yuwan played it, ian played his electric guit and sam played his own. i looked at random things and used licky jr, then stole the fb and forgot to return it heh. only temporarily though.

friday's cg lesson kept popping into my head, i know i'm not supposed to base a judgment of character on a person's outward appearance. or maybe first impressions. and there aren't really any but's in this case, although i'd like to put one in just because it would make life easier. hmm. okay i don't know what else to say about that.

i randomly got two old cameras off ebay, probably not to actually use but just to have. haha. they weren't expensive, but the film is, and i don't really know much about them so i'll just wait till they arrive. :)

the first years are off to their week-long rural holiday tomorrow! so nice. haha.

oh oh oh. we now get our lectures recorded and put online. :O apparently the first years complained i think, and so they started recording. hmm. maybe we should have complained last year huh, then we wouldn't have had to go through 1.5 years of uni without recorded lectures like the rest of the world.

famous amos. x)

the left side of my head feels weird, my tmj hurts when i clench my teeth and the area around my pterion hurts generally in a headachey way. :\

uni ends at 1pm tomorrow! :O and we don't even have spc meeting! :O haha okay that's quite amazing. this week's timetable is really good actually, other than the hp tute on friday morning, and spc op on thursday.

tired! print lecture notes and go sleep!


eleventh hour.

dandelion and dandenong escaped and gave us the fright of our lives (two tiny, immune system-less, diabetic, 4-week-old mice running around the house?), but we managed to find them and put them back in their cage. :)

read through the chain of 34 emails from and mused over how it ended with so many questions unanswered and so many blanks left unfilled. and how, after all these months, that hasn't changed much.

we had steamed fish, fried noodles and egg with tomato and random green veg with ikan bilis for lunch with cherlyn and tiffany, and took dandelion and dandenong out for mulitple runs. had shepherding here, then tried to do some work.

couldn't really concentrate on studying, i progressed at snail's pace. also, i'm irritated by how they don't put up lecture notes before lectures (or even after, sometimes).

keith picked yuwan sam zepeng and myself up for set up. sorted the nametags because they hadn't been sorted last week, made communion, watched them play ball. keith had worship pract and we couldn't all fit in anto's car, so we were going to walk back. but then jas sent us back. :)

had dinner (leftovers from lunch + sunny side ups), then cooked church lunch, fed the mice, and am waiting to shower.

again, i am learning patience.





guarded.

i should stop sleeping at like 2 every day since i don't really spend the nights doing anything productive anyway. this is why i'm so tired everyday i suppose. especially today.

lunched with an unlikely bunch of people: charmaine john zhixuan lester perryn. the conversation mostly revolved around which hospital people are planning to go to next year. most people want to go to alfred i think, reason being it's in the city, although i don't really see what's so great about that. probably because i used to live and study there and i now spend tuesdays there.

tried to copy what shaun made for dessert last friday, but they said there wasn't enough chocolate. and i didn't put almond meal because i didn't know it was part of it.. i still have two more sitting on the kitchen counter.

a few days ago i was just thinking about how long it's been since i last touched a keyboard (when i was at home in sg, which means either jan or feb), and how i would probably have forgotten everything i knew by the time i next got to play (which i thought would be when i went home in dec). but tonight after cg i went to play a bit, but there wasn't the usual stack of you know, old songs etc to play from, so i just played the usual one song.

am falling more and more in love with dandelion and dandenong. :D it's cool that although they look identical, their personalities are so different that it isn't difficult to tell them apart. dandelion is like kitkat, confident and willing to take risks, and she moves faster. dandenong is more like coffee, she tends to hold back and is more uncertain, unwilling to take risks or wander too far away. but they are both adorable puffs of fur and i don't want them to dieee.

i want all these words to be here, but at the same time i want to cut them out and hide them behind something like an lj cut, if you know what i mean.





could this be out of line;
just a random thought after reading a few blogs. i must be one of the very few people my age who have never worked before. as in worked outside for someone not affiliated or related to me in any way. yeah i worked at the childcare centre for a while, but that was with aunty agnes. and usually doing the invoices for daddy when i'm at home. but other than that i've been slacking, pretty much. and from the looks of it, i won't be able to work the next few years either (not that i'm complaining). but yes that also means i'm just spending a lot of money (read: uni fees and online shopping) and feeling guilty about it. so. either stop spending, or hope i can earn it all back next time. haha. i wonder if that's even possible with my ambition to be a 4-day housewife and 3-day doctor. (i started reading sleep toward heaven and it seems to be a promising book. :])


there the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true.

the hlsd (human lifespan development) lecture this morning was really interesting. and cool. ;p learnt about babies and prenatal stuff.

then i walked to the whitburn post office to collect my package thing, it was freezing. by the time i got back to uni i literally couldn't feel my fingers and toes anymore. and i was wearing shoes. heh. got a raspberry white choc muffin from the den (i still haven't finished it) and went to hargrave for about an hour to read talley.

our spc meeting with the tutor wasn't much. talked about where to go next year again.. and how they only let people know like one or two days before if they had to sit the final assessments. :\ i still don't know where to go next year anyway. hmm.

had lunch at the muiss lounge with nike edward mei and lester, then went to john medley. finished the tenth circle, then tried to read some more talley but failed miserably, and finally went to sleep for about 45mins before the clinical skills tute.

had a headache for almost the entire duration of the tute. tried to not be picked/ volunteered to be the doctor in front of the class. walked home and met wanjie kaiwen lionel and desmond at the soccer court. :) talked to wanjie a bit, then went home.

then yuwan came back with the mice! :D:D:D two female white mice, 4 weeks old, without T cells (so they can't even stimulate the B cells they do have), and they're diabetic. so that means they practically don't have an immune system. which is quite scary. apparently the longest one of these has lived is 30 weeks, in a sterile environment. i don't know if they had insulin hmm. but anyway. yuwan wanted to name hers mr white, but i named mine dandelion, then she said since they're twins they have to have similar names. so she named hers dandenong. haha. i really hope they don't die so soon. :\

oh and i finished sundays at tiffany's last night at about 2, i didn't like the book most of the way through, i think i only changed my mind slightly right at the end. perhaps because it's a bit chick-lit-ish, and i very much prefer jodi picoult. the tenth circle was not bad, liked it more slightly at the end as well, but still, nineteen minutes has been the best book i've read in a while. :) next one will probably be either salem falls or perfect match. and oh have i mentioned i love john medley? ;p

i stop trying to interfere.


don't let it throw you off too far
'cause i'll be running right behind you


and i promise you never
will it hurt anymore
(curiosity killed the cat)

once again, i'm sleeping too late, without having done any work during the day, i am unprepared for the lecture and tutorial tomorrow, and i have too many things on my mind, things i desperately want to erase but cannot, and maybe there's a purpose in that too. right now though, the ache is something i haven't felt for quite a while (all i remember is the bliss of the past few weeks), and i just really want it to go away.

on a side note, i don't know how to use a nokia phone anymore. my fingers automatically flit over the keys which i know will delete, change case, or go down the list of words on the dictionary, and i realise my mistake as i press down on the keys, but then it's already too late, and i have to start over. typing a message hasn't been this difficult in months.

<3


no more cherries. :( had study buddy, it didn't last very long because everyone was rushing off, but we did manage to get a bit done thanks to wanjie. :) i cooked liver for the very first time in my life, overcooked it. :( but better than undercooked i guess. haha. raw liver = gross. eww. and we steamed the silver bream with random sauces and it turned out quite good. :D and then cauliflower with cheese. emailed the pcl thing to the 5th year. i spend too much time doing nothing. really don't like how the spc tutor meeting is in the middle of the day! it leaves me with a 2 hour break before and a 3.5 hour break after. YELLOW AND BLUE OUTING I ALSO WANT TO GO. :( i missed my old phone so much i charged it and put the sim card in and hey, it works, except i can't check how much credit i've used, which isn't really a problem since i can never finish it anyway. yay 7370. <3




i kept falling asleep today. :\ i can't remember what time i slept last night. probably around 2+? yeah i was trying to come up with questions from last year's lecture notes but i kept falling asleep too, then i finally gave up and just went to sleep properly.

today's exam debrief was quite nonsense, i think the only thing i got out of it was that there will be 9 osce stations at the end of the year, and they will be 8 mins each with 1 min swap-over. didn't go through the paper.

had lunch with rachel and another girl from nus, they're here with student life (campus crusade) and so we just talked for the entire 50mins. okay they were telling me stuff from a book mainly.

during the last cbp lecture i gave up and closed my eyes and told myself to go to sleep.

i'm going to maryborough for my rural fortnight with kaiwen perryn eugene and zhixuan. there are only 10 people going there, which means half of us are s'poreans. haha. i'm not that upset about not going to bairnsdale. okay i'm not upset about not going to bairnsdale, although i guess it is really nice. peopleee. which is why i just went along with their choices i guess. besides it's random anyway, how often do you actually get your first choice?

anyway. after lecture went to sit and talk with wanjie daniel lester for a while, then came back and was supposed to continue finding questions, but i'm so sian already. went to read a bit. talk a bit. i want to sleeep. :\ i miss my old swivel phone.

my package has arrived. :) i'll probably go collect it tomorrow between classes, and maybe i'll get to see calvin the cat too. :D


melt.

cold day. windy sunny rainy wet COLD. i went to the city too early. i really should have taken the next bus and then stopped over to visit before going. :\ but oh well. i got to look at my current favourite puppy in the petshop in melbourne central, and the one lone male mouse, and the hyperactive white bunny jumping all over the place. and buy acrylics for sam too.

cbp was. really boring. i was there for about 5.5 hours (including my 45min lunch break), and all i did was format a grand total of FIVE word documents. !!! and my supervisor said: "you're too efficient!" and i was like !!! but of course i didn't say that. but yes it was extremely boring and i really hope today doesn't repeat itself next week because i will just cry. i don't dare to like play games or take out my book or notes to read because i'm working right next to her and it isn't very professional either. so. yeah hopefully next week i'll have more to do. and more interesting stuff too. it was a bit difficult when i met josh and vidhya and jane, didn't know what to say, and so i didn't. hmm.

thinking about the lyrics to some songs i listened to on the way back from the city made me realise that there are quite a few things i have forgotten. as in, it's not that i don't know them, but i have neglected to remember them. if that makes sense. and i was glad i'd put all those songs in my ipod.

came home and threw together a random mix of food for dinner while yuwan arranged transport for us and talked to her cbp tutor. i still cannot for the life of me understand how the mind of that person works. ?! but oh well.

ivy came to pick us up, and then her car had a flat tyre! "see lah fawn, you're too thin." but anto fixed it in 15mins. he's back! :) haha.

cherries! :D i want to eat durian. and mango. and mangosteeen.

have to do pcl and memorise spc and do the peer assessment/ self assessment forms. still no news about our hp project proposal, i can just go and give up on that already. study buddy tomorrow, i don't want to do study buddy anymore! rawr.





oh i forgot to add - during our health promotion lecture today there was this guy who ran through the lecture theatre from back to front, apparently to promote something, i don't really know what because i couldn't see what was written on his back. he was stark naked. which was. quite. um. unsettling, to say the least.

and also the entire cohort seems to be sick, someone will inevitably cough every few seconds, so much so that bcanny had to stop in the middle of his lecture and say "can we have a group cough now?" haha. and kh said it was like a wave from left to right and then right to left. winter is making people sick.

i don't think i can stay in melbourne for long because the cold is getting to be too unbearable, every day when i wake up i don't want to get out of bed, and after i shower i don't want to step out of the house. !! can't wait for summer.


micthai says:
nice talking to u
my advice :)
dun do stupid things


microwave cooking is killing you.

okay i'm lazy to read more but yes apparently i'm dying from eating everything i put in the microwave. so maybe i'll start to stop.

was quite tired today, i don't know why. kept falling asleep in lectures, especially in the health promotion one after lunch, and then in the histology practical as well. i don't like histo. and i went for the 1-3pm class instead of the allocated 3-5pm class. there were too many people, they overflowed upstairs and nigel got upset.

being in craig's pcl is quite interesting. don't have to have a chair for monday. also, our 5th year student is going to chair on friday. haha. i don't know how to do pcl lah. grumbles.

ian came over to collect the muffins after school, then he cooked dinner and went home when i went over to the halls for the spc meeting. it hailed!! i didn't see it!! :( haha. anyway. we ran through our presentation and the meeting ran until 9.20, then kaihan sent me back in the rain, thankfully.

washed and showered and talked and now i have to go and do work. but i am so sleepy/ tired. :( heh. there are 3 paper bags of muffins sitting on the table outside now, those that people never claimed from their doorstep. maybe i'll get to try one of the 61 muffins. ;p

OKAY I AM VERY TIRED. the sound of the wind/rain outside is scary.


so what if we're weird?

today after church, esther was very nice to drop yuwan and i off at pinewood even though it meant she had to make a detour. :) we got stuff from coles and took a bus back, then launched into our 'be your friend' campaign, which was basically to give muffins to everyone in the apartment. so we can get to know our neighbours. ;p

so we baked 61 muffins - banana choc chip, banana mixed berry choc chip (just to finish off the last bits of mixed berries), and nutella choc chip. this has been the biggest baking project so far, the previous was 3 batches (today's was 4). in the sermon today we learnt that one of the things we have to understand about ourselves is our emotional giftings, or what we are passionate about. yuwan says i'm passionate about baking muffins. ;p

we packed two muffins in each paper bag and went to knock on everyone's doors, but only a handful opened. i guess it's hard not having a doorbell. but anyway most of the paper bags have been retrieved from the doorsteps. :) inside we also have a form designed by yuwan, which says some quite funny stuff. haha. we saw the look on someone's face when he picked the paper bag up, then we quickly ran into the house and collapsed in laughter. ;p haha.

then we went over to the halls to deliver muffins to christina, wanjie and zhilin too. it was raining and i didn't want to get any pants wet so i went over in fbts. haha. by the time we got back we were like walking icicles. haha. but it was quite an experience. ;p

came home and showered and put on celine's giant red adidas sweater and hid under the covers and i'm not cold anymore. :)

hmm during dinner we talked about not being involved in people's lives. how other people know much more about each other's lives because they spend time together, do things together, go out together. because we don't live with them, and we can't afford the time it takes to do things with other people. thinking about it, we can't even afford to go through the week's stuff on the weekend because the weekend should be used for studying stuff we've learnt previously, like year1 or last sem stuff. and how do you balance all that with friends?

i think a lot of the time it takes something big happening to someone else for us to understand that it is more important to give than to receive. which is quite sad, really.


where does that leave us?

studied a little, had shepherding, studied and talked, and thought. then we cooked an entire fish, corn and chicken soup and rice, and developed an idea for tomorrow since there isn't much else for me to do.

then tiffany and sherlyn came over with curry chicken and we had dinner. and talked. it was quite interesting. and sherlyn reminds me very much of my sister. same pattern one, even though they're 4 years apart. then we washed up and yuwan cooked petola with egg for church lunch tomorrow.

and she doesn't want me to blog about tomorrow until it happens so i won't. ;p haha. but it's quite funny. and scary. hurhur. yeah let's wait until it happens. anyway. massive operation for the oven.

after that i went to temporarily alter my black pants so i can wear them tomorrow without walking on the legs. i'll wait until i go home to properly alter them, i don't know how to do that myself.

sounding board. i want a dog.


hello, are you there?

the afternoon stretches ahead of me as if i have all the time in the world. i'm trying to study after printing and organising the notes that have finally been uploaded onto blackboard, but obviously i'm not getting very far. it's a cold, lazy saturday and there are so many things i'd rather be doing. that day charmaine, tae and i were talking about flying home for the weekend and at times i wish it could be a reality. i told my mum i passed my exam and she told me to get something nice for myself. it wasn't great, mind you, only slightly above average and way below the scholarship mark, and it's quite scary because that was only one semester's work. either way, i'm considering getting another lens but the postage is ridiculous, and i don't know if it's available from NGV. our final HP project proposal is due on friday and our tutor hasn't gotten back to us with feedback, and my group hasn't met up either, but there isn't much we can do until we have the feedback. we have an spc meeting with our tutor on thursday and we're having a practice OP meeting on monday night, but that's all good, except that i don't know if kaihan's leg is okay. there's cbp and th on tuesday, and study buddy on wednesday, and then after that it's all a blank, except for pcl which has become considerably more demanding because of what our friday tutor wants us to do. the first week has gone by without me actually knowing anything other than a bit about cushing's disease. yeah it's time to study.





acknowledgment;

7.15am: get out of bed
7.40am: leave home
8am: clinical skills lecture
9am: spc group meeting at matheson
11am: lunch at muiss lounge
11.40am: borrow book from hargrave
12.20pm: read the tenth circle in john medley
2.40pm: hand in rural preference form
3pm: clinical skills tute
5pm: help christina write lucky draw slips, set up
6.30pm: pasta night
9+pm: walk home
10pm: almost die because picky took v long to startup
11pm: shower
11.45pm: read pcl stuff/ do spc powerpoint
?am: sleep

from fishy's blog:
Be painfully honest, and stop escaping from real, STOP.


AAAAHHHHHH. :( :( :(


choose, irrational.

to put it quite plainly, i just don't know what to do anymore. i guess i don't understand, but you're not helping me either. so. i'll just do what i can. when i figure that one out. i want to understand. but then i want you to understand too.

uni has been depressing, although we have a grand total of 14 (!!) contact hours this week. we have to submit our rural preferences form by 5pm tomorrow, and i am not even going to care about what i put as my first second third choices. just whatever everyone else is putting. hopefully i will end up going someplace with someone i know.

also, i am in group A2 which kind of. um. is not very great. tomorrow's lessons are 8-9 and 3-5, which logically means i can be at the counter for its entire duration, except that i have an spc meeting at 9. i haven't exactly finished the script, but i've sent it out.

had 3 lectures today, went to john medley to read the tenth circle after lunch. it's becoming more of a hangout, charmaine, tae, zepeng, jl and zw were also there. after uni i sat at the counter for a while, then lester drove yuwan and i to clayton to shop for pasta night stuff. then we dropped them off at charmaine's place, stayed to talk to her and mavis for a bit, then went home.

ate junk and started sundays at tiffany's until sam and calvin arrived. then yus christl rachel pangwu and ben also came and we had dinner at nando's. we had some offer so it was not bad. we were half an hour late to ivy's place. went there and did random things and played snap until it was time to cook the third batch of pasta sauce. splashed bolognaise sauce on shakespeare hates your emo poems. which is quite sad. but oh well. watched them play hearts and then went to lie down. rachel came back and said i was half-dead. then joab sent us back.

i am tired. i don't want to go for clinical skills tute at 3pm tomorrow. i don't want to wake up for an 8am lecture tomorrow. i don't want to have spc meeting. how did i manage to survive j1? (okay you probably couldn't really say i did but nevermind) i want more timeee. :(

and i have an argument but i am not going to use it, just choose because you are the only one who can.

shower and read OP stuff and tomorrow's lecture and perhaps talley and o'connor and then sleep. it will be a miracle if i can even get through half of those.


omg i just spent like the whole night doing nothing. !!! okay i talked to people. and edited photos on photobucket. which took forever. maybe photobucket is the slowest possible photo editing thing. rawr. yes then i put a bunch of them on fimsg. haha. fingers crossed for comments. anyway. the point is that i have not finished my OP SCRIPT. ahhhh. okay have to go and do now. because tomorrow afternoon we have to go and shop for pasta night groceries (okay i don't know if i'm going), and there isn't much time left anywhere else. eeks. goodnight!


melbsyd/ walk me home.
(please pardon the unedited photos - i don't know how)








i really have to learn to remember the wind the film fully before snapping. haha.

one day, maybe i will learn how to answer that question the way i really want.

i hate how we often take our unhappiness with one thing and just put it on someone else as if it had anything to do with them at all. perhaps it just reminds me too much of what living at home was like, before.

um. got up at 7.45 and reached the city at about 9.40, went to wesley at 10 and talked to lou and barry before going to The Place (that's what it's really called). tangerine came along and the coordinators sort of had a meeting in front of us; it wasn't very much like a graduation at all. after getting the certs and taking photos etc, we had 'lunch'. which consisted of muffins, chips, bread and dip, sakata crackers.. heh.

i had 45 mins between that thing in the morning and my meeting with the other lady, so i walked to elizabeth st and sent my film for developing. then i walked to lt collins st to get dmc string from lincraft. they have very nice knitting yarn! i want to learn how to knit! haha. spent a bit too much time there so i rushed back to wesley.

the meeting lasted about an hour. the stuff i'll be doing doesn't sound too bad, except that i will still have to do 100 hours. haha. 100 hours of work is harder than 100 hours on the phones! but oh well. i start next tuesday, 11-5.

went to QV to eat a bit more and sat there for about an hour reading nineteen minutes. then i went to walk around hunting for long-sleeved things to wear. collected the film/ cd, then visited the petshop (the maltese x jack russells were so cute) and took the frankston train to caulfield, then 900 to the bus loop.

slept in the bus until huntingdale, where iris got on. talked to her for the rest of the journey, then walked back with her since i was going to morton. delivered the last muffin, found the missing rock, recounted stories, looked at old and new photos, then went home. i really don't like the cold. for the first part of the journey i walked so slowly i thought it might take me an hour to get home.

had oily pasta for dinner, washed up, showered, talked. our spc meeting's been postponed to thursday (thank God), so i have a bit more time to do it. it's barely 9.30 and i already feel like sleeping.. this is quite bad. :\


five minutes of your time.

like i said, i think diana is quite amazing. :D like super fit and healthy and everything while the rest of us are just lazy bums who don't do anything! haha. okay maybe just me.

okay. mharvey emailed to remind us to bring food tomorrow. as usual, since i had nothing else to bring, i decided to bake muffins. berry choc chip. :) but there are only 13. hmm.

started writing my script for the OP, i've finished 3/5 of it. i'm too tired now so i'll continue tomorrow after cbp, whenever that ends, and do the powerpoint slides then too.

i'm really dreading tomorrow.


teal, lime green, brown,
i really do wish i had been at btf previously to learn the patience song (if it even exists).


first day back at uni. the lectures were quite nonsense, i kept trying not to fall asleep. my pcl group is full of people i don't know. i ended up having to chair on friday because i didn't get a task. but oh well. first week means less is expected of you. went to see jgoodall and tholt during the first break. and i'll tell you about it if you ask. rushed lunch in ten minutes sitting behind the counter, then had another lecture and spent about 20 minutes waiting outside the histo lab, only to discover that the door was locked and no one was inside. so i went back to the counter and did things like write receipts and type people's details into jason's comp. after we packed up we visited his office and tried to think of ways to beautify it. ;p like having more photos haha. he wants a muffin dispenser. ;p then yuwan and i walked home with tiffany. met grace on the way. came home and ate random foods and was too sian to start spc (even though we have a meeting on weds afternoon), so i continued reading. yeah tomorrow is just a drag and the only reason why i even want to go to the city is to develop the three rolls of 120 film that are still sitting on my desk. can't wait for the day after.


take your candle, go light your world.

this is so ridiculous it's not even 11 and i am tired! enough to sleep! rahhh. how am i going to last the week. :| (okay i took a while to post this)

and it seems like it's been such a long time since lessons ended (6 june), so long that i can't even find my plastic folder i use to carry lecture notes around. haha.

i'm contemplating doing the whole bag-packing thing tomorrow morning, but i'm afraid i won't get up in time. 6.45 would probably be a safe time to set the alarm. maybe then i can drag myself out of bed by like 7.15. haha.

and i found out that i'm group A, so i have the better timetable on mondays and the not so good timetable on thursdays. depending on whether i'm A1 or A2. i really hope it's A1. there can't be many things worse than having a 6 hour break in between one lecture and one tute. fine, i'm exaggerating.

hmm wonder if i should go back to john medley and finish the tenth circle. but right now i'm still in the middle of nineteen minutes, so maybe not. unless the opportunity (read: one hour lunch break) presents itself. ;p anyway nineteen minutes is a more intriguing book. okay maybe i just don't like comics. (nevermind i know no one understands what i'm talking about)

i don't understand kevin's blog entries. :( he won't tell me! sigh. and sebas was asking how come fairsians could sleep in my room when they came but i won't let him if/when he comes. haha. i'm reminded of the sleepover after the prom. ;p eeks i miss nine.

okay TIME TO SLEEP. i'll settle the paperwork tomorrow.


absence;

the walk back takes ten minutes longer than usual because i stop to look at the shadow of the moon and the flashing lights of a plane behind the clouds. and i turn, just long enough to see the door open and close again, almost like swallowing a person whole.

again, i don't feel anything even though i walk against the wind, because i am numb. along the way, i watch a man's impatience as he waits for the lights to change. he stabs at the button, as if that mere action could eat the minute up. further along the way, i see three stalks of dead roses taped to the lamp post, and think of the grave we made outside the apartment yesterday afternoon. and all the times i asked yurong for flowers during the holiday.

i am typing this into my phone, and, with other bits, it amounts to an eight-page sms. but as i am nearing the apartment, my phone temporarily kills itself, and i keep it in my pocket the rest of the way. i can hardly feel my fingers anyway.

i cross traffic lights without waiting for the light to change. then i am home. and once again, i marvel at the millions of things that could have happened to me on the way, and how no one would ever know, until much later at least. and most of all, i marvel at how those things have never happened to me in the countless times i've walked home alone. i remember how i used to talk on the phone, but that doesn't happen anymore. and still i get home in one piece.

i try to remember not to want anything in return.



God has an interesting way of making me not skip pcls this semester. He put me in the same tutorial group as yuwan. haha. it was nice to have most people were back in church today. and it was exciting to hear about what is happening in lakeland! and to pray for the different campuses after church. it was also particularly nice to see thomas and his sister at church again; he came last sunday after btf. uni starts tomorrow. we're having ccm counter week, and then pasta night on the 17th (also the deadline for submitting the rural preference form), and steamboat in cg on friday. tuesday is the official graduation for my cbp group, but i don't know if i am part of that anymore. celine is coming back tonight. i wonder if our midsem break is the same as everyone else's, and whether anything will ever be the same again, given that we have another 14-week semester this time, and our exam results aren't out yet. and i wonder what will happen during the week, and whether i will remember what saying goodbye is like.


i fight sunday disappointments almost always by first screaming silently, not knowing what to do. after a while, i decide that's stupid (and a waste of time and energy), and so i decide to bake the emo-ness away. since i never have the ingredients i need, i walk to pinewood and back. by about half the journey there, the wind stops biting because i'm numb. i spend about ten minutes there, then walk back. the sky is beautiful, deep orange where the sun is setting and blended hues of pink and purple on the other side. it isn't that bad after all.

i come home and start baking. it's chocolate chip cookies this time. they've been in the oven about double the stated time on the recipe but they aren't brown enough yet. i sneak bites of 3/4-baked cookie out of the oven and wonder if i should take another walk when they're all done.


Sometimes he stood back at a distance and watched her the way you'd stare at a butterfly that you'd only known as a caterpillar, wondering how the hell change could be that dramatic.

we had family fun day today, so i dragged myself out of bed just before 7. i know it's been overstated, but i have been feeling tired for no reason whatsoever. and it's quite irritating. okay i think i'm just sian because uni starts the day after tomorrow.

anyway. swee picked us up from across the road, yuwan and i shared the burden of rocks between us haha. it was a cold day. set up the place, blew and tied balloons (!!), stuck tape on the back of posters etc. prayer before registration, and then the kids started coming in.

did rock deco which was quite messy. haha. but i did like 6 rocks. just a few more than ivy. ;p gave sam the purple glitter barney because he asked. haha. i liked barney. anyway. my rocks are still sitting in the small ziploc in my bag hmm.

packed up and went home. sophie made me a princess crown thingy with a flower on top. :D i wore it in the car on the way home and looked completely ridiculous. ;p hahaha. after ivy dropped us off, we used the leftover rocks to make a heart shape with a cross in the middle, and a 'u!'. lazy to post a picture cos it's in my phone, but i might in a few days. haha. or not. but yeah. returning the rocks to the roadside.

came home and didn't really know what to do. yuwan slept and i read. then she woke up and we cooked church lunch and dinner and ate and then i continued reading and she went to do work. i am such a slacker. but i'm just a bit over halfway through nineteen minutes now, and i'm just savouring being able to read this much because i don't know when i'll get the chance again.


i lose you in moments like these.
just don't lose yourself.

in spite of the cold and the wind and the rain, i love seeing the rays of light passing through the clouds, the little green leaves poking their heads out of the soil and wood chips, the funny grey birds that seem to have difficulty flying. the box of deep red roses sitting on the counter. the smell of apple crumble baking in the oven.

i don't know why i'm so tired despite supposedly having enough sleep. spent most of today walking around, using campus centre computers, waiting, reading, and eating. how often will i get to do this when uni reopens.. okay not the exact same things i did today. but the main point, you know?

i'm not supposed to feel so tired just thinking of uni. i'm supposed to be excited at the new semester, all the things in store for us. etc. but monday is already an 8-5 day.. grumbles. i will stop thinking about uni now.

hmm. i think it doesn't take a lot to remind me how much i have to learn. even the things we've been teaching the kids at btf, like diligence and generosity. maybe that's why i've been singing those songs over and over in my head..

what would i name my kid. haha. i couldn't answer the question in cg today. i used to have a list. but i think now i grew out of a few of those names, and others i wouldn't name my kid because of other reasons. but i think they'd all be weird names. ;p like mine haha.

okay i'm very very very very tired. ahhhhh. :(

i still have to write up my script for the spc oral presentation. and decide where to go for rural. okay that one really depends on the people who have cars. ;p but i think i want to go to bairnsdale haha.

cuddle buddy.

"i miss talking crap with absolutely no agenda and going in roundabout arguments."

i miss being able to wear shorts, macs breakfasts, watching movies, random walks around the neighbourhood, coffee, cycling along the beach, chalets, cjlmxlb.. i cannot wait for mid december. actually, probably january. rawr i cannot waitttt.

may is writing a beautiful story about melbsyd and i love reading every entry. ;p

i'd wanted to read nineteen minutes actually. but i figure if i have to be up at 6+ tomorrow i should go sleep now. so goodnight! :)





I AM VERY TIRED.


only 'cause it's never enough;
but thank you. :)



and love is wild for reasons
and hope, though short in sight
may be the only thing that
wakes you by surprise

tired! heh. today was not bad. went grocery shopping in the morning and had lunch in clayton, then dumped groceries at home and went to some ulu post office in mt waverley to collect the threadlesses. then went to knox randomly and had jester's pies and walked around. then came home and baked muffins and had a potluck dinner with yuwan ian sam joab sophie sheryl vivian hanyan and erm a mauritian guy whose name i cannot spell. haha. then cleaned up and choreographed the first part of the actions for the kfc father's day performance with yuwan. then followed joab to the airport to fetch ivy and christina. :) and ivy dropped me back home. no mice today because swee said they cleared out the animal house yesterday. :(





so tell me, the difference between now and one year ago.

1. i am really hoping the money comes in soon. if not i will be broke after paying sem2 fees.
2. my stomach is being really uncooperative.
3. we are hopefully getting our mice tomorrow! :D yuwan wanted to get a diabetic one because she says we cannot discriminate against them. haha. but swee said it's unethical to keep them alive. besides, you'd have to give them insulin shots every day.






oh you have no idea. :D

i'm happy today. :) i got to sleep in! but i still got up at like 9+, probably because i slept yesterday afternoon.. showered, did laundry, put the pillows/ cushions back in their covers, had a 'healthy' lunch, and stayed in bed and read/ talked to people for quite a while before my visitor came to check on me and entertain me. ;p my shifts tomorrow and on thursday have been cancelled, and the coordinator called to assure me that my cbp will not be jeopardised because of that. so i'm just going to enjoy the rest of my holiday. :) before uni starts again and we start worrying about results (out on 18july) and studying for the via.

rong has uploaded a million photos on fb (okay more than me here), and has been flooding my inbox haha. lazy to see who has/ hasn't been tagged already. ;p someone please make a pseudo fb account for may! ;p

and! my 24 hours at home has been accomplished. :D and it feels really good too haha. i read a lot slower than yurong hmm.

will go grocery shopping tomorrow, and then hopefully collect the threadlesses and maybe pay a visit to calvin the cat! if he's around, that is. and then make red mee sua for dinner. :)


maybe i could run;
maybe i could fly to you.

i survived today. :) i'd rate it about 8.5. really wished i was back home in sg so i could just be whisked home in a car instead of having to take the train and bus and walk home.

got up at 5+ and left at 6.35, got to the city at 7.40 and hung around melbourne central until 8, then went for my shift. explained the situation to the supervisor on duty today, and she was v nice. :) didn't really hover around as much as the supervisors did the last two shifts, and i didn't have to debrief after every call too.. but the system was a bit messed up so we had to fill in our call sheets manually for about an hour. did 5 calls today, but the first one was crackly so it wasn't considered; she hung up.

then i stayed in the tc lounge for about 2 hours after my shift ended (left in quite a mess because i really couldn't do anything then). everyone was quite helpless and didn't know what to do. i decided to just wait it out. no point in taking more meds cos i'd just vomit them out again. at about 2 i decided i was well enough to go.

walked to melbourne central. i think i was still quite pale. had to stop for a while halfway. got a seat on the train, yay, saved my life. decided to take a bus back from clayton because i probably wouldn't be able to survive walking back from the bus loop. thankfully i got a plastic bag from the nice lady at coles.

got home! miracle! filled the hot water bottle and went to sleep, and that's how yuwan found me when she got back. then she made me eat the strange chinese herbal thing my mum brought for me and asked me to go back to sleep while she made dinner. :) veg soup and chicken and mushroom. :) thank you!

then we wrote our first aid appeal email and she's camping in my room tonight. haha. we've been singing the diligence and generosity and i will be a success songs a lot. ;p so funny haha.

haven't blogged about btf day 2 hmm. there were fewer kids, my team shrank from 11 to 6. but it was still fun. seeing them perform for their parents really makes you so proud of them. and when they wave at you at the side. ahh. ;p and seeing how they put what they've learnt into practice too. too bad not all of them were there the second day.

anyway. tomorrow will be my rest day. :) i realised that it is actually possible to stay at home for 24 hours since i got back at about 4pm today. ;p


tossed by the waves.

too many photos, i think blogger can't take it. hmm. lazy to put them on fb though. haha.

i'm still not used to melbourne's weather, i keep freezing every day. :( jeremy visited church today, he said brisbane is warm now. sigh.

i wanted to follow ck and make it a goal to spend 24 hours at home one day. but after thinking about i realised that's already impossible, with cbp, th, cg, btf, church etc. haha. and then before you know it, uni will have started again, and we will be trying to figure out how to fit year 1 stuff into the study schedule. i guess tuesday will be the day i rest at home before th. :)

i really hope the stars will be out tomorrow morning. the weather forecast doesn't look great but i hope it won't be too cold. arm myself with music and notes because it's been too long, and also an apology for not arranging the third shift. in fact i'm going tomorrow not really knowing if i'll be allowed to do anything.. hmm. interesting, we'll see what happens. if not i'll probably just come straight back and sleep.

and that was an interesting thought too. i was supposed to sort myself out a bit this holiday but that hasn't really happened much and i'm still pretty much a mess, so.. hmm. i understand the logical part of it but i don't get the emotional part of it, and how you relate the two so you don't tear yourself apart, mind and heart, if that makes sense.

it'll be an early morning so i'm going to sleep now, goodnight.


melb/syd-
a gazillion photos in random order









































































<3! style="font-style: italic;">"you don't need to always say no, you know. don't always have to be the 'oldest'."