fawn
27
(doctor!)
singapore/ sunny coast
melbourne! ♥
(would love to bake for a cafe/
?bird & brie)
wallflower
☁
my brother says i am
a cumulonimbus cloud :)

also

joy unspeakable that won’t go away
and just enough strength to live for today
so i never have to worry
what tomorrow will bring
‘cause my faith is on a solid rock
i am counting on God
♡
in dreams and in love
there are no impossibilities.
- jános arany
☼
You make all things
work together for my good.

people

rong; yurong; diana; may;
peiyu; caleb; kevin; daniel; joel;
lois; susanna; june; jane; cheryl;
yuwan; christina; jocelyn;
ivy; mangyik; jasmine; ida; valerie;
jason; joab; shaun; jintat;
jonathan chua; freedy; gary;
iris; sammy; nicky;

love

history

March 2005; April 2005; May 2005; June 2005; July 2005; August 2005; September 2005; October 2005; November 2005; December 2005; January 2006; February 2006; March 2006; April 2006; May 2006; June 2006; July 2006; August 2006; September 2006; October 2006; November 2006; December 2006; January 2007; February 2007; March 2007; April 2007; May 2007; June 2007; July 2007; August 2007; September 2007; October 2007; November 2007; December 2007; January 2008; February 2008; March 2008; April 2008; May 2008; June 2008; July 2008; August 2008; September 2008; October 2008; November 2008; December 2008; January 2009; February 2009; March 2009; April 2009; May 2009; June 2009; July 2009; August 2009; September 2009; October 2009; November 2009; December 2009; January 2010; February 2010; March 2010; April 2010; May 2010; June 2010; July 2010; August 2010; September 2010; October 2010; November 2010; December 2010; January 2011; February 2011; March 2011; April 2011; May 2011; June 2011; July 2011; August 2011; September 2011; October 2011; November 2011; December 2011; January 2012; February 2012; March 2012; April 2012; May 2012; June 2012; July 2012; August 2012; September 2012; October 2012; November 2012; December 2012; January 2013; February 2013; March 2013; April 2013; May 2013; June 2013; July 2013; August 2013; September 2013; October 2013; November 2013; December 2013; January 2014; February 2014; March 2014; April 2014; May 2014; June 2014; July 2014; August 2014; September 2014; October 2014; November 2014; January 2015; February 2015; March 2015; April 2015; May 2015; June 2015; July 2015; August 2015; February 2016; March 2016; April 2016; June 2016; July 2016; August 2016; September 2016; October 2016; November 2016;

credits

Hosts: blogger; photobucket
Layout: /strawberrying

my greatest love is You
hillsong

every new day, Your glory unfolds
filling my eyes with Your treasures untold
the beauty of holiness brings worship anew
my greatest love is You

draw me deeper, into Your grace
the river that flows from the holy place
wash over me, cleansing me through
my greatest love is You

:)


i finished my assignment!
hahaha. finally.

shepherd and sheep, it actually means so much.

i've just been putting it off because i'm too tired and there are too many things to do. and maybe also because i don't want to. yet. because i know it will be hard.. but sooner or later it will have to happen. disliking a person that much could only have detrimental effects. i remember in the cg lesson on friendship, the two things friends must do are forgive and edify. currently i'm not doing either of those. but even though i know i should be doing it, i'm putting it off. for now.

anyway, i've decided to ignore my biochem tute and go sleep. i know it's bad, but i'm hoping we get sarah as our tutor tomorrow.

alright, goodnight, hope to not freeze tomorrow. winter is practically here.


all my life i've waited, this is true.

two more days to go! :D can you imagine what it will be like when it's finally over? xD

feel quite accomplished today, don't know why really because i don't think i did that much.

HEP was the same, except that we had sweets, and we did half an hour of yoga nidra. basically, that meant sleeping on the floor for half an hour.

went to clayton town. haha. helped charmaine buy chicken. ;p so dodo to walk into R1 carrying a grocery bag lah. haha.

the lecturer was 15mins late and gave a 30min lecture. so we were let off 15mins early. wasted time talking etc (not that i minded, of course, i love wasting time talking ;p), then went to hargrave to find more books. chose books for the annotated biblio, and got a few more references. :) borrowed rang&dale and some med law book. heavy.

then i remembered that i had to do the microbes in motion 3 summary for syndicate tomorrow. so i went to cmhse, and thankfully, they still had cds. so i went upstairs to do it. :) and sent it to akshay. yay it's done.

came back and had lunch and read a bit. and then searched for recipes. hahaha if i want to bake that i have to get another baking tray. and a whole lot of other ingredients.. which i'm not quite sure where to find. oh well.

black booooook. saturday is going to be packed.

pcl, theme3 tute, assignment.


'cause our hearts, in big and small ways
will keep the love that keeps us strong.

ridiculous, so ridiculous to be awake at this time.
BUT I FINISHED MOST OF THE ASSIGNMENT. whee!
okay i just have to find a few more references and do the annotated biblio. and probably cut out a few words. but it's mostly done! yay!

but. i haven't done pcl. haha. i could just copy and paste from last year's stuff, but the problem is that we need to reference that stuff now. lynette is getting more and more strict. but this time last pcl also. going to have a party. ;p

hehe i got to talk to JASON today! :D hahaha. future africa doctor partners! ;p still remember. ahh can't wait until the end of the year.

okay sleeeep finally. goodnight. :)


i know i don't make sense.

it's very difficult sometimes, to steer your head in the right direction. between what's right and what's wrong, what's urgent and important, what can wait until later. between what you want and what you must do.

oh well.

slept for about 3.5 hours in the evening. 540 words to go. i'll be very happy to finish off the 2500 words and pcl dialysis stuff tonight, and leave the syndicate nonsense till tomorrow. that, and annotated bibliography.

guess who called me about important things. ahh. i also don't know what to do lah. see you've made a mess out of everything. what am i supposed to do now, huh? what am i supposed to do. don't be naive and think that nothing will change. or that nothing has changed.

haha but she has a way of making it sound funny. of making me see that it's actually quite amusing, if only i wasn't in the centre of it all.

and it may take some time to patch me up inside
and i can't take it, so i run away and hide


i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

wet rainy cold windy grey day. what would you miss more than being in singapore? because even if it was wet rainy cold windy and grey, you could still go out in shorts and flipflops without freezing. my toes are cold. :(

stoned through the first lecture, the lecturer was speaking in greek. i've decided that i have pharmacology. i only liked the lecturer last time. i'm seriously lost. another textbook to bring home.

went to get an apple muffin between lectures. ate half of it during the second lect, which wasn't quite as foreign.

tried finding books in hargrave. then joab came along and helped me. but in the end all those also very nonsense one lah. haha. so i borrowed his comp. because for some reason, my comp can't access websites other than my.monash and muso. so sad. no msn also. talked to ivy a bit on his msn. haha. did assignment. i'm down to 620+ words more. *clap clap*

then i was persuaded to go have lunch with my shepherd and joab. in the end there were so many people lah. rachel jason michael steven lionel daniel ryan. haha.

this clinical skills tute was actually quite enjoyable. AM I STARTING TO LIKE IT. omg. haha. maybe only cos it's the last one this term. we switched nametags, so i was adilah. and michelle was me. had osce briefing, then split up into groups for the usual role-playing. i was the first doctor. i think it's stupid to ask us to be GP obstetricians when we're only first years. because how are we supposed to know how to explain things like the heel prick test, IRT, cystic fibrosis?! gahhs. have to read up about other stuff before osce. ocp, gastro, flu vaccinations, condoms, stethoscope, can't remember the last one.

went to hargrave again to find more stuff on systemic sclerosis. and i did! yay. in the reserve section. then it was raining like mad so i decided to stick around and do some work. in the end i didn't feel like doing syndicate, so i copied and pasted. :\ oh well.

3 more days of uni.
one week till osce.
10 days till i fly home. :)

ohh yeah.


exhaustion.


start my day.

i think one thing that i really don't like is not being able to focus all your energy into doing work (like an assignment) when you really need to. because there are always other things like cooking, washing the dishes, doing the laundry.. so besides worrying about assignment, you worry about washing the dishes, because if you don't wash the dishes, you can't cook dinner. if you can't cook dinner, you can't eat dinner. if you can't eat dinner.. ha might as well fast. for born to fly! hmm.

anyway. i miss not having to do any of those. being spoilt as i have been. ha.

but hey, it supposedly trains you for adulthood. so. it's good. right?

no. but you have no choice, so live with it.

anyway. today we did something that was quite hilarious. if you were watching from the outside it would've been funny. haha. oh well. no surprises.

my contribution to pcl today consisted of only one word - pyelonephritis. hurr. but it was right so that's okay. we're going to have cake on friday! a celebration of the end of semester. :D

during lunch we were talking about only two things - food and shopping. hahaha. i was complaining about having to cook fibre for cg. and they were talking about going to some dfo this saturday. hmmm. then i gave charmaine brownie recipe! haha. and she gave me apple crumble recipe. torn out from her week1 timetable. haha then kaiwen say we very auntie. hahaha. quite lah.

last time: eh so nice, where you buy ah?
now: eh so nice, how to make ah?

only had one hour of evaluation for stakeholder, so we got to go panorama and do weird things. hahaha. then we came back and sat at the pond outside matheson lib. THEN. the wind blew yuwan's papers into the pond! hahaha. i managed to save a few, but her wwc one was soaked. haha. then we sat on rocks and talked. ;p

last lecturer was interesting, but i was still falling asleep. he lectured for 15 mins longer than he was supposed to.

completely unprepared for study buddy (again). stressing about assignment. i should just write about the CREST syndrome lah, that would take up a lot of words. the only problem is finding credible resources, because i didn't go to hargrave today. tomorrow! must. :\

have to do all the mundane things now.

4 more days of uni!


let me be as gold, and precious silver.

why do we do this whole walking back and forth thing. people like to question me. poke holes in your hopes and beliefs. or try to, at least.

the week hasn't even started and i'm already tired.

a sacrifice of late nights.

purify my heart.


You're always there with open arms to pick me up.

must have/ be
good to have/ be
must not have/ be

please don't smoke.
okay?
i'm about to give up i think.

i've decided that today, to avoid falling into depression, i should watch movies.

i want to love sundays as much as i did in singapore. there is no cds next week!! haha. oops.

junk food and heroes. whee.

<3

and tonight, pcl (we actually have to come up with a working diagnosis! haha yes like a real doctor), assignment, and mental prep for the last five days of this semester.


if i lay here
if i just lay here
would you lie with me
and just forget the world

hearts!

walked home from clayton, got back very late, bachache, leg ache, toes frozen, head about to explode.. just so so tired.

didn't do much work today. about 400 words of my patient encounter. have about 1000 words to go! i really wanted to do biological perspective today. tonight. but home late, and dead tired, so.

but (after so much complaining) it's okay, 'cause i got someone back today. :D
whee.

let's waste time. chasing cars. around our heads.


i never thought that i'd love someone
that was someone else's dream

i baked brownies today! :D hahaha. it was more successful than my first attempt. yay! ;p credit goes to wanjie and christina for the farrer oven and helping me remove the blisters, wenter for helping me turn the tray so i wouldn't burn myself, and sam for helping me carry it to joab's house. ha.

i am so glad the uni week is o v e r. finally. five more days. i really should get my patient encounter done. biological patient my perspectives. annotated biblio! rawr.

today's caregroup lesson was on friendships. and bgr. haha. we wanted to mention ikan bilis, but we didn't in the end. i think we really study too much ah. can laugh at things like being mindful. but then again we also never study that. it's just the constant exposure to that word from HEP tutes.

happy birthday sam!
thank you for cooking for me every day. ;p

okay things from the lesson:
God is in control. so why do you worry?
He's a Father who gives good gifts to His children!
do your words reflect that you're a christian?
your husband/ boyfriend cannot be your first love, because-
God needs to be your bestest friend.
don't settle for second best when God has the best for you.
Jesus gave His everything without counting the cost.
every cloud has a silver lining. we shouldn't always pick on the -ves.
kindess- giving someone something he/she needs.
sacrifice- giving someone something you need.
it's impossible to say you love God and not love His people.


come Holy Spirit

come Holy Spirit, fall on me now
i need Your anointing, come in Your power
i love You Holy Spirit, You're captivating my soul
and everyday, i grow to love You more

i'm reaching for Your heart
You hold my life in Your hands
drawing me closer to You
i feel Your power renewed
nothing compares to this place
where i can see You face to face
i worship You in spirit and in truth



God never picks and chooses who to love.

yes, He loves you.


He satisfies.

something that i have to learn, to lay things down at His feet and not pick them up again. i think that in order for you to not be able to pick something up again, it has to be completely broken. to pieces. such that you simply cannot pick it up anymore. like how mary broke her alabaster jar of perfume at Jesus' feet. there was no way she could've picked it up again.

ivy asked me how i survive on so little sleep. from 2-6.15am. actually i don't survive. i end up sleeping in lectures, tutes, practs, and feeling dead tired the whole day. then i just go and sleep at 2am again that night. so smart right?

i was asked to not do stupid things when i go back to singapore. ha. i told her i won't.

t i r e d . too tired. 6 days to go.

deadlines are looming. asphyxiate!

RONG i made potatobaconcheese today. :D but i anyhow do one cos i don't have the recipe here. haha.

don't discount my words, please.

all that is pure, honest and true, all of the wonderful things You do. all that is right and good in Your sight. Lord i'm gonna set my mind on You.


self-declared 1hr50min holiday.

one thing about songs is that it's difficult to find one with lyrics where you mean every single word. unless, of course, you wrote the song yourself. and even then, that might not be the case. so how do you tell the difference?

i cannot stand uni anymore. i cannot wait for holidays. SEVEN days left. can't even wait until tomorrow afternoon. just let today and tomorrow's pcl to be over please.

seven days to assignment.
eleven days to osce.
fifteen days to home.

i can't wait. even though my holidays will be quite empty i think. people are working. doing uni things. in army. i'm going to malaysia for a week. studying for exam. OH WELL. the things life throws at you.

i lost a whole chunk of my week12 study guide, i have no idea where it is. crap.

12 degrees is too cold. i am too cold. but at least it's bright and sunny today. just like you said it would be.


i've been blessed with you.

it's the stress.. i'm so stressed. if i'm like this now, can you imagine what i'd be like if the exam was on 7 june? i'd probably explode.

i don't want to go for anat pract tomorrow. my logic is that anat is about memorising, and if i have time i can memorise. and i do, because there's still a long way to go before the exam. if i go there tomorrow without doing all the readings, everything will just whizz past my head again. and i won't know how to answer the questions some more. gahhs. just don't go lah hor.

walked a lot today. very tired.

but i saw a lot of pretty things while i walked. like the sun shining on the duck pond. and the sun setting in the pink sky. so i didn't mind. :)

studied a bit of anat this morning and it actually went into my head! too bad it was only bones. bleah. oh and HEP was good. our second last! i'm going to miss it. because it really is relaxing. and this lesson we did a lot relaxation exercises. that means sleeping on the floor! ha. and we did the om chanting thing. hmmm. except it's really a-u-m, and it's just to make vibrations from your chest, throat, and head so you relax. and partially covering our tracheas with the epiglottis to make 'ocean breaths'. haha. it's quite funny actually.

lecture was interesting, we learnt about nude mice which can grow chicken feathers because their immune system is so dead it can't reject skin grafts from another animal. they have something like AIDS, but not quite.

backache. massage! haha. ;p and conditioner.



what my heart wants to say
gareth gates

you're amazing, so amazing
have i told you enough
you're my angel, guardian angel
God knows i've been blessed with love

but if i be gone tomorrow
would you know how deep my love goes
have i ever told you
you're the one

if the words don't come my way
i hope you still know
i hope it still shows
if the words don't come my way
i hope you still know
what my heart wants to say

words to tender, i surrender
to this feeling, so true
my affirmation, my inspiration
darling i've been blessed with you

if the words don't come my way
i hope you still know
i hope it still shows
if the words don't come my way
i hope you still know
what my heart wants to say

but if i be gone tomorrow
would you know how deep my love goes
if i was gone forever
would you know how much i care

you make me feel like flying
and failing all emotion
that every time you look at me
you see it in my eyes

if the words don't come my way
i hope you still know
i hope it still shows
if the words don't come my way
i hope you still know
what my heart wants to say



zhenwei's msn pm: they can live without you. you can't live without them. so true.


whether right or wrong, we've grown them back.


and did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there

can i just say that monash is so amazing. they postponed our exam from 7 june to 16 july. no, not like 7 june to 10 june or anything like that, 16 JULY. that's more than a month. hello?

and this is their reason:
med 1011 is scheduled to have a 14-week sem. so by right, we're still supposed to have lessons right up to 7 june (friday). BUT THEN. we're supposed to have 3 days of swotvac. that means until 10 june right. so we can't have our paper on 7 june even though the rest of the world starts then. and they can't postpone it just a bit because they can't fit it in. or something like that.

so, brilliantly, i'm having my exam on 16 july, the first day of sem2.

WHAT HAPPENED TO MY HOLIDAY. :( rawr.

but well. it's good in a way. because i know that if i was to have the exam on 7 june i would do badly. look at my anat and everything else. haven't studied properly since after midsems. that was like week7? haha. this is week12. so. blessing in disguise? maybe. except for the fact that i have to bring notes back to study. then study without textbooks some more. how ah.

after the announcement i didn't feel like doing work already. was complaining a lot haha. didn't listen to the lecture properly. but it's a bit dumb cos they have 4 lecturers giving one lecturer's lectures (he's sick i think), and two of them use their own powerpoint slides (none of which are on muso). so naturally we get a lot of repeats. every lecturer went through innate and adaptive immunity countless times.

oh yes. today was freezing. i have resolved to wear shoes to uni instead of flipflops. unless it miraculously turns warm again. anyway. it was so grey. then i look at the crowd on the lemon scented lawns, and what do i see? people shovelling SNOW on a ramp. like ?! it was like some promotion for mt buller i think. but it was quite stupid seeing the water drip through the cracks in the ramp and forming puddles of mud.

and. i did a fishbowl today!! i knew she'd pick me. because i don't talk. and i was dying. but surprisingly my face didn't turn red. haha. i died halfway, then everyone was nice enough to help me. :p then we watched some videos of people giving medical interviews and basically fell asleep. yes.


but if i be gone tomorrow
would you know-


born to fly chocolates

just finished study group. i am so mentally exhausted. everything was just whizzing over my head. through my head, actually. like HUHH?? here's a reason to be stressed, as if i need another one.

depleted timtam and starburst supplies. :( aww.

zepeng and sebas are actually very alike. no wonder i talk to them in the same way. haha.

need to study quite desperately. of course i don't want my studies to become my life. but if you realise, in med, you don't have much of a choice. either study or get kicked out. yes and become a roadsweeper. struggles.

got my pcl tutors' report today.
"ideally should contribute more."
hurr. i knew it.

slept during gerry ahern's regional anat lecture today, he kept staring at me. :\ which is quite scary because he's my tutor. and i have to see him on thursday. ugh. thursday is another 8 hour straight, with only a half an hour break day.

walked all the way to keith's house for mei's and robby's birthday celebs. :) ended up coming back a bit late for study group. :\ well. at least now i know how to get there. if i ever need to.

have to sleep. 8am lecture tomorrow. goodnight.


smileeee. :)

i'm glad that mornings are so alone, because then i don't even have much of a choice. by default, the first person i talk to would be God. of course it shouldn't be by default.

so, this is another thing i've been thinking about. should the reason come first? or the action?

like clapping your hands before you feel like, then ending up feeling like. or waiting until you feel like, then clapping?

i think i usually clap first. so in the beginning the reason is wrong. but i think that if i don't start first (even though it isn't exactly from the heart), i'll never start. how?

obviously the reason should come first. i guess my question is how much does it matter if the reason comes second.

hmmm.. make me a better person.


***
uni until 4 today, then dinner with sam and lester, and maybe wanjie. then hope study buddy from 7.30 until late, probably. thursday night dinner at joab's place with ivy joab charmaine tae and lester, and maybe sam. have to cook something. that means have to go and buy. haha and stress over what to cook again. and then shepherding after that.

if you don't start monday mornings right, how on earth will you get through the whole week?

:)


every waking day, you take my breath away
with every word you say, you take my breath away
you look at me that way, baby come what may
i hope that you'll always know
how to take my breath away

that might look a bit wrong in the same entry as these msn convos, but well. what to do, i was listening to it.


yesterday
pre-med pre-law. says:
after all im not the one you're intending to spend your life with hahahahaa
flutterbies! says:
hahahah
pre-med pre-law. says:
we'll be too tired.
flutterbies! says:
WAH LAO
pre-med pre-law. says:
hahaha
pre-med pre-law. says:
nothing will get done
pre-med pre-law. says:
cos we'll be too tired
pre-med pre-law. says:
and drained
flutterbies! says:
hahahaha
pre-med pre-law. says:
and exhuasted
pre-med pre-law. says:
hahahahhaa
flutterbies! says:
yeah and we'll just spend all our time like THIS
pre-med pre-law. says:
hahahah!!!!
pre-med pre-law. says:
and listening to ipod
pre-med pre-law. says:
and then you'll keep stealing MY songs
pre-med pre-law. says:
and i'll keep asking you if you know this song and that song
pre-med pre-law. says:
and you wont know
pre-med pre-law. says:
and i'll just say you're lousy
pre-med pre-law. says:
hahaha
flutterbies! says:
hahaha
flutterbies! says:
yeah
pre-med pre-law. says:
and i'll keep singing a song and asking you ever 30 sec whether you know that song
pre-med pre-law. says:
hahahahah
flutterbies! says:
and i will be complaining that you cant ever rmb all the lyrics of a song
flutterbies! says:
hahahaha
flutterbies! says:
YES
pre-med pre-law. says:
hahahahah!!
pre-med pre-law. says:
so funny
flutterbies! says:
and i will just laugh at you singing and drumming in the bus
flutterbies! says:
:D
pre-med pre-law. says:
haha yeah


today
pre-med pre-law. says:
looks who's talking lor
pre-med pre-law. says:
if i ask you if you know a song ever 30secs
pre-med pre-law. says:
you tell me you're tired every 10secs lor
flutterbies! says:
hahahaha
pre-med pre-law. says:
seriously.
pre-med pre-law. says:
haha
pre-med pre-law. says:
think about it
flutterbies! says:
no lor
pre-med pre-law. says:
you'll say you're tired
pre-med pre-law. says:
then i'll say its so draining
pre-med pre-law. says:
then you'll say so exhausting
pre-med pre-law. says:
then it'll repeat again
pre-med pre-law. says:
you'll say you're so tired
pre-med pre-law. says:
hahaha
pre-med pre-law. says:
so it takes about 10secs


rawr. i miss those days. even though they were so repetitive. ;p

GOODNIGHT SEBAS.


oh Lord, You've searched me
You know my ways
even when i fail You
i know You love me

Your holy presence
surrounding me
in every season
i know You love me
i know You love me


i thank God for giving me a constant source of support and love, that doesn't seem to fail even when by man's standards, under normal conditions, it would.

:)

army called just now. got to talk to isaac and daddy too. and heard celeste saying hi and mark saying bye. hurr. daddy preached in church today, and nobody went up for altar call. he said it was cos his sermon was about a guy who was killed. or something like that. it's always a bit sad when daddy preaches and i'm not there. i want to be there to be proud of him.

slept a bit. like two and a half hours. woke up for a while in between and stoned. then i thought it was so silly to be sitting there staring at the comp feeling half dead. so i went to sleep some more. ha. the second time i got up i felt like just sleeping until tomorrow morning. unfortunately i haven't found out anything about HIV/AIDS for tomorrow's pcl. even though we've been having lectures and stakeholder sessions and home tutes on that topic.

why do i sometimes feel like going to fat-elephants. haha. never blog anymore.

KOR FLEW OVER TODAY. he never reply my two emails. :( heh. oh well i hope he msges. it's a bit weird to not buy bubblegum for him when i go back this time. but then again he can buy his own, if he's here. haha there's always this urge to buy the hubbabubba roll whenever i see it. for my sister lah.

i miss sundays in singapore.


suddenly the moment's gone
and your dreams are upside down
you just wanna change the way the world goes round

broken.
i still don't think people understand.
and i can't even explain it myself, so how do i expect people to be able to understand?

and of course everyone would be going through their own struggles which other people probably wouldn't understand too. so where does that leave us?

today's CDS lesson was about decision making and the atmosphere of faith. when we're outside of the atmosphere of faith, we're like a fish out of water. decision making? don't know why these things come up in CDS right after we've talked about them.

i guess it goes for both sides. don't know what to believe either. instability. it's all the same, isn't it? but we're not supposed to let the negativity get to us, or we'll never get anything done. how? teach me how.

what am i supposed to do? tell me, what am i supposed to do?
i should get off this roller coaster, now. right now. argh.

monday comes as a shock, every time without fail.

happy birthday opi! :D
this year it's quite rare cos she was in singapore today. cos she had to attend a wedding yesterday, if not she'd be holidaying by now. but she's leaving on 7june (rawr) and coming back on 13 june. that means i get to see her for one day, then i'll be off to malaysia also. oh well. when i get back again i guess. it was good talking to her anyway. :) so happy. for that moment.


i feel like screaming.


lifesong
casting crowns

empty hands held high
such small sacrifice
if not joined with my life
i sing in vain tonight

may the words i say
and the things i do
make my lifesong sing
bring a smile to You

let my lifesong sing to You
let my lifesong sing to You
i wanna sign Your name
to the end of this day
knowing that my heart was true
let my lifesong sing to You

Lord i give my life
a living sacrifice
to reach a world in need
to be Your hands and feet

may the words i say
and the things i do
make my lifesong sing
bring a smile to You

let my lifesong sing to You
let my lifesong sing to You
i wanna sign Your name
to the end of this day
knowing that my heart was true
let my lifesong sing to You

hallelujah, hallelujah
let my lifesong sing to You




i like walking back at weird times when there's no one around. and can sing without worrying about people popping up out of nowhere (which happens frequently). i only met one guy, and he was nice cos he walked the shortcut so i wouldn't keep looking back thinking he's some evil guy going to do something bad.

didn't study much today. but at least i did the antigen-presenting cells and keloid scars thing for pcl and sent it out. and tried to read up about neurosomes and referred pain, but i didn't really get it. i'll do it the day before anat pract. then i went through two lectures. someone please tell me more about c-something-bacter jejuni! cos i have no clue. did a bit of assignment also. well like a few words. :\ i have no idea how to write the biological perspective lah.

actually i don't know what to say. it's a bit sad i think, sometimes people don't believe me when i say things. because it's true that i don't do everything i say i will do. so how? i'm trying. just really scared of doing something wrong. still trying.

how to eat with your mouth closed when you can't breathe?

forgetting all i'm lacking
completely incomplete


there's no greater love than this.

met zepeng in the morning. haha he was a bit late. ;p so no red pearl milk tea! haha. aww.

pcl. so embarrassing cos i didn't do anything again.. :\ but oh well. i have stuff to do before next week.

lunch with yuwan. :) hahaha. talked quite a bit.. hmm. then after a while michael came. haha.

antibiotic lecture was quite boring. the second lecture was even worse. it took me a while to realise that it was a theme2 lecture. hurr. slept through most of it, except for the last video, which was quite funny.. but a bit crude.

went to clayton town with yuwan lester jessica and chauwang. ivie and leepeng (i think) were there too. got stuff and came back.

went joab's house and waited a bit, then helped yuwan cook fish. ;p haha no it wasn't fish.

caregroup lesson was about crying out to God. persistance. and be prayer warriors, not prayer worriers. broke up into groups to pray after that, which is actually quite a rare thing here. in my half of the cg, that is. don't know about the other side. but yeah it was good.

anyway, i think people are studying too much. or maybe just as meddies, we're somehow able to relate almost anything to stuff we've learnt, be it HEP or anat or er. random stuff.

i looked around joab's room and was so happy to see all of us meddies there. don't know why, because this is something i see every week. and these are people i see every day, except saturdays. but i just suddenly felt very thankful to know them. :) yes people i love you all! :D

i like wanjie's salmon too hahaha. and she had to go blurt out pomfret. hurr. why am i even mentioning this.

after cg christina played the piano and yuwan and steven (HAHA) were dancing. ;p i was just moving around the room. i like structured dance, i can't do freestyle. then after they were done steven drove us back. :) i borrowed ivy's havaianas! haha. metallic purple. i like the colour, but my foot looks weird in it. the colours don't match. :( brown is still the best. haha.

okay going to find stuff for pcl! so i don't have to do it tomorrow. tomorrow must study and do assignment. whee. actually i think i wouldn't mind not looking up pcl stuff for friday (and therefore not presenting), and just be assigned random leftovers on friday.



at the cross
hillsong

oh Lord, You've searched me
You know my ways
even when i fail You
i know You love me

Your holy presence
surrounding me
in every season
i know You love me
i know You love me

at the cross i bow my knee
where Your blood was shed for me
there's no greater love than this
You have overcome the grave
Your glory fills the highest place
what can separate me now

You go before me
You shield my way
Your hand upholds me
i know You love me

You tore the veil
You made a way
when You said that it is done


and the depth of grace, the forgiveness found
to be called a child of God
just makes me say how much i love You
oh my Saviour, my Lord and Friend


a thousand times i've failed
still Your mercy remains
when i stumble again
i'm caught in Your grace
everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame

HAHA i just got back from shepherding with ivy, wanjie and christina. our conversation was super funny lah. ;D laugh and laugh and laugh. big ikan bilis! and garupa. ;p but i still want pomfret. haha. we say until i got whacked by ivy lah. hahaha. but it was super funny really. :D brightened up my entire day.

today was quite dreary. it rained, even though it wasn't really cold in the morning (can wear tshirt and walk around kind). i went to uni a bit earlier so i could get some references for my assignment from the hargrave library. felt quite accomplished cos i did. :) even though it was only about general and local anesthesia, and systemic sclerosis (scleroderma).

zepeng just called. haha. WHERE HE HEAR FROM ONE. eeyer.

anyway. yes today was dreary. because i think i went through the whole day not really doing anything. during syndicate i was just stoning. theme3 tute was still okay cos had to present stuff. so cheryl found stuff and i just read it out. pract was so rushed. but learnt a few things i guess.. horse blood agar! hurr. quite gross i think. and MSA. but i still can't remember the names of bacteria.. escherichia coli. staphylococcus aureus? streptococcus something? haemophilus influenzae? something aeroginosa? HELICOBACTER PYLORI (my personal favourite haha). okay going nuts.

sociology tute was boring. okay lah not that bad. kaiwen and i didn't say anything. these tutes are usually spent doodling on my notes. chienying didn't come! i have her notes.

now the rice cooker is overflowing. haha.

i'm so glad thursday is almost over.

oh yes. i wonder who praveen is.


i've wanted elder siblings for as long as i can remember. especially elder brothers. that's why i have kor.

since coming to hope, i've found lots of kors and zhehs. :) feel so blessed.

haha i don't really know why i suddenly thought of that, but well.

:)

now i have to email kor, cos he's flying off to nsw in a few days. too bad he can't visit me. :( and if he passes, i won't even get to see him at all until the end of the year. :( how tragic. hurr. but i still hope he passes. :D it's so cool to be a pilot. haha.

***
it's really sad when things like that happen. :(


Jesus take the wheel
take it from my hands
'cause i can't do this on my own
i'm letting go
so give me one more chance
save me from this road i'm on
Jesus take the wheel


maybe we, we can't fight
all of this pain and loneliness if
all we are, are shooting stars.

this morning's HEP tute included lying on the floor again (as expected). haha. i fell asleep countless times.

ate and didn't really do anything much. then took 703 to east bentleigh. i was super early. so i went to walk around. for a very long time. and blew dandelions. ha. too nervous.

dr tony zeeher was a nice doctor. and it was really interesting cos i always thought GPs always saw the same types of cases. like in daddy's case, a lot of URTIs and hypertensions etc. but dr zeeher says he doesn't even see coughs and colds. the difference between being a GP in singapore and melbourne. there were lots of things that came up among the 16 patients he saw today. towards the end i was dying though. so tired. GPs need lots of energy. working people need lots of energy.

and he had patients who were greek, yugoslavian, italian, german.. and of course locals lah. there was this german guy who's staying in singapore now, but he's here for work. so happy to see someone from singapore even though he's german. haha. he stays near rong, kind of. ;p

then there was this patient with angina, but his ECG was normal. and then someone with gall stones. and a guy with the strongest fHx (family history) of hypertension ever. before he came to melbourne his BP was like 220, highest 290. madness lah. and this little old lady who may have a carcinoma under her eye. :\ but it isn't melanoma, so it isn't all that bad. yay. and this italian guy with diabetes which is really weird cos the levels (sugar, i presume) can fluctuate between 4 and 10. but he's nuts cos he still eats nonsense. and there was this guy who had chlamydia. hurr. second time some more. one guy tripped on something and hurt his arm, supposed to go for an x-ray to check if it's broken. and a nurse with fibromyalgia who kept laughing at dr zeeher. and a small boy with learning difficulties, wanting a referral to a paediatrician. another old lady whose husband had a terminal inoperable cancer..

yes it was an interesting day. seeing a whole wide range of things ranging from dealing with grief to angina and cancer.

i didn't do any research for pcl, argh. they should try to have enough topics each week. i might just find some stuff later on.. but i don't even know who's compiling. gahhs.

tomorrow's tute's still undone, and i haven't read the hypothetical. thursdays are so horrible. and i totally don't feel like doing anything at all tonight.


one thing i ask, and i would seek
to see Your beauty
to find You in the place
Your glory dwells


we think it's ordinary but it's not.
or maybe it is.

chewy said in cds on sunday - emotions are gifts from God. it isn't a bad thing to feel.

did my HEP journal. i put bible verses in there. haha. well the question was something about what personally helps you cope and what's the most inspirational thing. ;p my HEP tutor is a yoga instructor.

i'm going to inverloch for my rural placement. second choice, but where i really wanted to go in the first place. reminds me of the whole nj/sa thing ha. i ended up where i was supposed to be, and i'm sure it's the same thing this time. :) i'm looking forward to the experience! (and the beach ;p) interestingly, there are quite a few singaporeans in the group, even though the group's quite small i think. lynn, armaan, weide, zhixuan, geetha, tae (okay tae's thai, but he hangs out with us). :)


***
why is booking air tickets so irritating? ugh. please listen to what i say, please. listen.

a lot of words/ phrases can have double meanings. we don't always read them the right way.

and after all this. HEP at 8am, then off to east bentleigh for the better part of the day. no pcl research so far. this is how i stress myself out. :'( so so tired. i think i barely scrape through sometimes.

and it's painful. simply knowing. seemingly unfair, and incredibly painful.


escalate;

don't know what's happening anymore...

today started off with rain and it's ending off with rain too. thankfully it didn't rain while i was in uni.

i was disappointed because i missed pancake breakfast. :( ahh. nevermind, next week! when there's no mucaps and i have a three hour break. perfect for things like assignment and syndicate.

mucaps was alright. i still think cpr is a bit errr. cos i think i'll probably worsen the condition if i try. and i am starting to really freak out at the idea of the osce. cow-herded to waiting room, one minute to read the stuff on the door when it's your turn, and when you open the door, that's the scene. could be someone having a heart attack on the floor. not a real person, of course. oh man.

had lunch with rachel chua, mei, charmaine, lionel and michael. haha. everyone said i ate so little. :\

clinical skills tute was actually quite fun today. ;p for once. but i still think the psych patients are really hard to talk to. not like medical cases, where there's a set of questions to follow, like wwqqaaab, or cage or bathe or heads. with psych, it's always like. er. stop to think. look around helplessly at your friends, who helplessly look back at you. we're not qualified.

i always have to go back to the bank multiple times.. good thing angelo's so nice.

dropped by wanjie's place, she compiled stuff from the microbes in motion cd! so she passed it to me. so now i owe her one night of sleep, cos she didn't sleep last night. these people are nuts, i don't know how they survive. but i think soon i'll have to condition my body also. to not need so much rest.

oh yes, i finally got to talk to jason this morning! :D he was away, so i went to say hi. then he replied! i was like- omg. for once we actually meet online. haha. could only talk for like 5 mins though, i had to go to uni. :( he's having exams in around 2 weeks to one month's time!

your choice of words are important. i've realised that there are words i really don't like, words that turn me inside out.


2 corinthians 12:9-10
but He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." therefore i will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. that is why, for Christ's sake, i delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. for when i am weak, then i am strong.

when you have a verse for someone, it encourages not only him/her, it encourages you too. that wasn't the same verse(s), but well. encouraging.


off to sleep.
would you save my soul tonight.

hmm okay maybe it isn't that easy.. or i just make lots of silly mistakes. i don't like reading too much into things sometimes, and sometimes i don't like other people doing that either..

so tired.

reading about patient confidentiality from the alfred website and from the legal tute notes, it's stupid how in our notes they always give examples using NSW acts. hello we're living in victoria! i need to reference acts related to victoria. gahhs. ridiculous.

oh well. 834 words so far. about 1600+ to go. whee. 2weeks+ more.

sometimes i feel so clueless. i know i don't open my eyes, but sometimes it feels like it's more than that. like even when i try to open my eyes to see i am blinded and i can't see anything. i've been living under a rock. sometimes i say i don't know because i don't want to say. other times it's because i really don't know.

i am going to stop.

read my mind..






He has funny ways of doing things.


ctn softwash

today felt abnormally long even though it was just 9-4.

aroni didn't appear for our first lecture, so most of the singapore meddies spent the time in the hargrave library reading/ sleeping.

pcl was quite dead. everyone was tired i think. afterwards camilla said charmaine and i should feel priviledged to be international students, cos david (our monday pcl tutor) thinks we're the smartest, he asks us the most difficult questions. :\ err.

today's lectures have been supremely boring, sad to say. about microorganisms, pathogens, and the normal flora on the human body. we've got more bacteria on us than cells, apparently.

had lunch with more singapore meddies than usual, everyone seemed to congregate in the muiss lounge. had some interesting conversations, but i can't quite remember what they were about. :\

stakeholder session was interesting. very. one of the stakeholders was a gay guy with HIV (he was amazingly good-looking, ask anyone in that tute), and the other was this lady who got HIV through unprotected sex and passed it to her husband. her kid's HIV neg though. :) her husband's from singapore, and she told us some stories about her stay there. like how the people from CDC got people to get free meds from melbourne, then bring it back to singapore to sell at a profit. how stupid is that? and she mentioned something about the education system. HAHA. yes i've long since escaped. but most of us were quite indignant coming out of the tute. :p yes let's all be patriotic after leaving the country.

slept through half of the last lecture, then spent the rest of it trying to stay awake. wanjie kept nudging me. haha. stayed back to listen to people ask questions. the lecturer's nice though.

went to cmhse to borrow the microbes in motion3 cdrom, it says: CD-ROM FOR MACINTOSH AND WINDOWS on the front! haha daniel and i were so happy. ;p it's due tomorrow though, so i have to go through it tonight. and i don't know what to look up for pcl YET again. ugh. study buddy on weds? or are we all still dead?

alright have to wash the dishes and get down to work. :)

press replay.


hmmm lots of brain food!

i realised how little things that would have made me go: i am so stupid, don't bother me as much now. i can just wrinkle my nose and let it go. but i guess it still depends on the people and the situation.

and how when people tell you that you are a blessing, a lot of the time they're a bigger blessing to you than you've ever been to them. i guess it could work both ways too.

people are burning out already. God please sustain us all. we still have four weeks to go, impossible with our own strength cos most of us are already half dead. but definitely possible with You.

sometimes i think meddies have it easy. other people have a million and one assignments and tests, and all we have is one test. one osce. one assignment. so why are we all so stressed out? what happened to the peace? we're all tight for time. and now we're having trouble getting the study group back on its feet.

john 14:27
peace I leave with you; My peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

john 16:33
I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have peace. in this world you will have trouble. but take heart! I have overcome the world.

so we should have peace. which transcends all understanding. and not be troubled.

the second verse appeared a few times in a time to embrace as well. interesting. and it's an amazingly sad book, by the way. but i still have to finish it because i need to know what happens to john.

i always had the impression that people thought arts was easier than science. i don't know if that's true. but to me, arts is five times harder than science any day, even physics. (i don't know why i said this, it's so random)

joy is not dependent on our circumstances. happiness is. but sometimes i find it difficult to tell the difference between the two. what is this that i'm feeling, like a fire in my soul. it makes me feel like dancing, i'm losing all control..

today in service the kids from kfc (kids for Christ) did this special item for mothers' day. i was thinking how if this was back at home, i'd be videoing isaac singing and doing the actions. haha. yes, i wanna thank you for all the things you've done. and i, i wanna tell you that i love you mum..

ahh. it's the little things, isn't it? and all our favourite things.

i'm going to not come online (as in msn) until 11pm for a while. i'm going to try to, at least. :) exam's coming. assignment deadline's coming. the time to fly is coming. :)

i think sundays keep me from burning out. thank God for sundays. :) and thank God for 9am days. like tomorrow! it feels so good after a full week of 8am classes.



courtesy of lester:

i will sing of Your faithfulness
of Your mercy and Your love
i will say this is the day
that the Lord has made

i'll hold on to Your promise
and the resurrection power
restore to me Your joy
i will praise You now

be glad and rejoice
for the Lord our Saviour reigns
and the joy of the Lord
shall be our strength
i was born to be
Your dwelling place
this is the day that the Lord has made


teach me to dance to the beat of Your heart
teach me to move in the power of Your Spirit
teach me to walk in the light of Your presence
teach me to dance to the beat of Your heart

teach me to love with a heart of compassion
teach me to trust in the word of Your promise
teach me to hope in the day of Your coming
teach me to dance to the beat of Your heart

You wrote the rhythm of life
created heaven and earth
in You is joy without measure
so like a child in Your sight
i dance to see Your delight
for i was made for Your pleasure
pleasure

let all my movements express
a heart that loves to say yes
a will that leaps to obey You
let all my energy blaze
to see the joy on Your face
let my whole being praise You
praise You


today's been quite an emo day again. why? i don't know.

during cds today chewy taught us that our highs and lows shouldn't be so extreme. make the amplitudes of the sine graph smaller. how? teach me how.

really didn't want to waste today away. it seems like sundays are so precious because every other day is a mad rush, an attempt to make use of every second.. sunday is a time to relax, to slow down, to breathe.

but there was nowhere to go, no one to go with. i wanted to go and walk but i didn't know where to walk. felt quite lost, actually. small.

so now it's five+, and i'm still feeling restless.

the problem with old/ not-so-well-known songs is that i can never find the lyrics. and i can't always remember all of it. in this case, i can't remember the last two lines of the verse, so. here's the chorus:

be glad and rejoice
for the Lord our Saviour reigns
and the joy of the Lord
shall be our strength
i was born to be
Your dwelling place
this is the day
that the Lord has made

was wondering which lines to highlight, like how aunty pansy tells me to find my favourite verse. but then i realised that i couldn't pick, cos every line means so much.

not ready for another week of school again..

and the joy of the Lord shall be our strength.


don't forget to remember me
carrie underwood

eighteen years have come and gone
for momma they flew by
but for me they drug on and on
we were loading up that chevy
both trying not to cry
momma kept on talking
putting off goodbye
then she took my hand and said
baby don't forget

before you hit the highway
be sure to stop for gas
there's a fifty in the ashtray
in case you run short on cash
here's a map and here's a bible
if you ever lose your way
just one more thing before you leave
don't forget to remember me

this downtown apartment sure makes me miss home
and the bills there on the counter
keep telling me i'm on my own
and just like every sunday
i called momma up last night
and even when it's not
i tell her everything's alright
before we hung up i said
momma don't forget

to tell my baby sister i'll see her in the fall
tell meemaw that i miss her
yeah i should give her a call
and make sure you tell daddy
that i'm still his little girl
yeah i still feel like i'm where i'm supposed to be
don't forget to remember me

tonight i find myself kneeling by the bed to pray
i haven't done this in a while
so i don't know what to say
Lord i feel so small sometimes
in this big old place
yeah i know there's more important things
don't forget to remember me

don't forget to remember me.




happy mothers' day.


way up high, or down low
i'll go wherever you will go.

sounds like you're sitting on a swing.

:)

managed to study quite a bit today. so i'm happy. and i even managed to find out that hydroxyproline and hydroxylysine are the main components of collagen, which makes sense, so it's easier to remember now. yay! hurr.

yes and this morning i was talking to the cut on my finger. cos there was a gap in the skin (obviously, it's a cut) and it was quite.. er. open? so i was asking it to close up so that the myofibroblasts could fill it in with collagen. yeah that's how crazy i am. talking to a cut.

hmmm. and i didn't get as much flagstaff time because i was forced to go to syndal and take 703 back. but yes yes, i know it's for my own good. ;p so i gave up arguing in the end. ha. possums were scary today. i think it's because when i look at them i remember bubbles, and how he's never threatening when he comes to you. he's like- i am so HAPPY to see you! and he just wants to jump out of the cage and run around or have a dust bath. these possums just want food. they're scary. and the swing was wet.

our apartment blacked out, something to do with water in the stove.. :\ but the electricity's back on now. thank God.

going to johore from 15-18june, and kl from 18-21june, probably. i'm really happy that i get to go to kl in the middle of the year, cos that means twice this year! :D i get to see my grandparents twice! :) if only uncle cj and aunty karen were there too, it would just make my holiday.

alright i'm going to prep week 11 notes and stuff, then (hopefully) PCL research. it always feels like there's too much to do, and so little time. can't wait for singapore where i can slow down a bit. wake up to my body clock, watch tv, go out, shop, eat, not have to worry about getting lost on public transport. :)

surprising, or not.


little ones to Him belong
they are weak but He is strong
yes, Jesus loves me. :)

the uni week is overrrr!! :D and it ended well, too.

even pcl wasn't too bad. stressed so much for nothing. hurr. classic.

caregroup was fun! :) and a gazillion and one people came! including charmaine tae zep and jl. and wanjie goes: cough cough! haha. played games, ate, more games, sharing by aunty pansy, then making cards and videos! :D

and the skit was good guys, well done! :) it was a lot more funny watching during the rehearsals though. hahahaha.

had shepherding before that, learnt about standing firm in God despite trials. need to find out what it means to be sanctified by God.

finally called my GP during lunch. have to be there by 1.30pm.. i'm going to miss yet another anat lect. :\ how how. today's anat lect i was already so blur. always no idea what he's talking about. all the new vocab! the only thing that got into my head from today's lect was the epineurium, perineurium, endoneurium (only because it's almost the same as the muscle anat).

study buddy discussion during lunch break today was interesting. made me remember stuff, at the very least. :)

passed my mac around in between HEP lect and anat lect for people to check results.. thank God for mine. :) He truly is able to bless us with more than we could ever ask or imagine. :) it was actually quite freaky to check results in R1 just like that. with zixuan zhenwei wanjie lester peering over my shoulders at the screen. haha.

and army sent me a box of stuff! so now i have HONEY STARS. whee. :D and a present for yuwan. :) yay.

the only bad thing that happened today was the cooking. let me emphasize how i'd so much rather bake than cook. because when you bake, you only have the oven to contend with. when you cook, you have to deal with OIL. oh my gosh. i totally killed the kitchen, not to mention my jeans. and the silly droplets of oil leaping out of the pot onto my hands. and splashing at me cos i threw the prawns in to avoid getting scalded. haha i can now describe the process of acute inflammation in my thumb. vasodilation, increased membrane permeability, neutrophil migration.

so anyway. my greatest nightmare now: to clean the kitchen.

second nightmare? it's the weekend already, i'm counting down to when my assignment's due. i have to study anat (desperately). i don't know what to wear for my GP visit, and i don't know how to get there. i am really tempted to go to dfo on sunday. and i know that on sunday i'll be wishing i had two sundays again.

ah well.

i smell goreng pisang. ahhhhh. dinner was really good today, by the way. :) i love the glutinous rice! haha. although there were weird silences during dinner. like behind the voices, you could actually hear the background silence. which was a bit weird, cos that never happens.

okay i think i'll sleep early and wake up early to clean the kitchen. see? this would be a good time to be at home, where i wouldn't have to care about oil. rawr. okay yes it's my fault i know.

oh well. can't be reversed already, so deal with it.

myocardial infarction. haha i like this term. okay so random.

i wish more interesting stuff would happen in my life too. i want to go to flagstaff. i need to breathe.

realisation.


aww people are so sweet. i feel loved. :)

wanjie! those words are RESERVED for next time okay. now it's inappropriate and wrong! no matter what you say. bad influence :p haha thank youuu. remember krispy kreme and jam donuts ah! :D i'm so glad i'm almost going back with you. :) must meet up in singapore and shop at places other than chadstone yeah. :D

mayyyy thanks also! i want to buy your silkscreen dress! :p

***

i'd like to think that it could make everything better.

it's happening, you know. it's happening again.


just one chance, just one breath,
just in case there's just one left.

that song is so sad. i don't know why i was listening to it this morning.

anyway, i made it through most of today! only slept during the pract, so it wasn't too bad. didn't get what those orange grainy stuff in the myocardiac fibrosis tissue slide was. and we couldn't really be bothered. bad bad.

necrosis lecture was okay, except that the lecturer (who was a replacement) asked for input from us, which was a bit err cos no one could hear anything. south1 is pretty big.

spent some time in the library finding stuff on ethics and finally borrowed one book. assignment assignment. i hate doing citations and references. oh well. 2100 words to go! whee.

syndicate/ tute was not bad, injury/ inflammation/ healing is so much more interesting than cancer. i don't know why sebas wants to do oncology.

lunch in muiss lounge, then pract. i put off calling the GP again. ugh. tomorrow really have to already.

sociology tute, peter went through monday's lecture. he finished 3 more pages than rosalie! hurr. but we're still far from completing the lect. the tute was quite entertaining though, cos he told us he was trying to quit smoking. so andre launched into this speech about the prochaska diclemente cycle of behavioural change, BASK (behaviour attitude skills knowledge), SAME (specific attainable measurable enjoyable), and how he should just meditate the smoking away. HA. peter's going to be our behavioural change experiment. haha.

dinner.

they're going to have the rehearsal in about ten minutes. didn't feel like going in the end..
there are times i'd rather not go for something than go and be late. i hate being late.

ivy's not feeling well so no shepherding today. :\ i hope she's okay. group shepherding tomorrow at 5, had to change plans with nike. marinade earlier..

i really can't wait for tomorrow to be over. or the pcl at least. her new system makes me hate pcls. which is sad, cos i used to like them.

i feel like going dfo with charmaine on sunday. instead of cds. sigh.

help. )`:

when will the results be out.......


i understand..




..no actually i don't.


'cause after all, you're my wonderwall

woww i can't believe my name appeared there. under normal circumstances i'd be erm. well i'd not like it, because it was my name, but now. i'm quite happy. :D

okay no one was supposed to know what that meant, so don't worry if you don't.

TRIED to do work. i did, really. but it's so difficult to find stuff without BOOKS. i so need to go to hargrave library. :\ during break tomorrow, i promise i will. even though it's only an hour. so i wrote a bit of my assignment, now i have a grand total of 368 words (up from 220+ when i started today). great. yeah actually all i covered today was autonomy.

anyway. her baby is 17 days old! :D and she's quite cute. haha.

human touch is the most anyone could ever ask for.

oh man PCL research. i don't even know what exactly i'm supposed to find. treatment for atherosclerosis. complications of.. surgery? the condition itself? and how am i supposed to memorise?!

gahhs people say i'm easily stressed.


in the chaos, in confusion, i know You're sovereign still
in the moment of my weakness, You give me grace to do Your will

i woke up late today! by one and a half hours, since i wanted to get up at 6 cos of the early night. BUT THEN RIGHT. i woke up at 7.23! haha. for an 8am HEP tute. so i didn't bathe. :( but walking in the cold was enough to wake me up.

did some interesting things in the tute. first we tricked him into believing that there was another power outage. everyone was just dead tired so we switched the lights off. then we did some yoga postures. hurr. stretch and stretch. it was quite interesting. and we ended the tute by lying on the floor just relaxing. so nice. :p except that i know he said some really interesting things (i know that word's been overused, but it's true) while we were lying down, and i zoned out so i can't remember.

anyway. here are a few things i caught:
1. old people should keep pets (like a dog) so they stay connected and not die so early.
2. your brain likes working at a frequency of 4 Hz. it likes sleeping.
3. if you're afraid to die, you might die about 7 years earlier than if you aren't.
4. if you think you'll be poor and miserable all your life, you will be.

we have so many conversations each day, but how many of them aren't trivial? according to my tutor, a meaningful conversation is one which touches on emotions/ feelings/ thoughts. and they are a measure of your connectedness. (C of ESSENCE) how many meaningful conversations do you have each day?

perception, acceptance and letting go.
i guess you have to start off wanting to get something done.


PRAWNS.

just realised that this week is an 8am week. 8am classes every single day! thanks to the necrosis/ apoptosis replacement lecture. oh my gosh. thursday's going to be a looong day.

okay 8am lectures are good. but it's stupid to have HEP tute at 8am. unless he lets us do the muscle relaxation lie down on the floor exercise again. then can sleep! yess. i remember how dead the class was last week.

did HEP journal and the last question of the syndicate.

when will results be out?? 60 people failed. that's a lot. a lot a lot. ohh boy.

can't function already, going to sleep. SO EARLY, i know. can't help it. PCL research tomorrow, inflammation, healing and repair, vascular anat, assignment hopefully. (let me be optimistic here)

goodnight! :)


so show me a smile then, and don't be unhappy


one month to home, people :D


i miss bio lessons, practicals, and everything else. almost.

the first lecture on inflammation today was good. but she rushed through the second one, i couldn't get much out of it. and why does the cold/ radiation cause inflammation anyway?

feeling quite accomplished today! :D only cos i think i made good use of my three-hour break. yay. didn't have simulated emergencies, so i did syndicate in the library. my first ever syndicate without referring/ copying and pasting! haha. okay but i didn't finish it cos i didn't know how to do the last question.

then i studied bone/ muscle anat! :D i love my anatomedia. and daniel's mindmaps. ;p

had lunch with nike and wanjie at the muiss lounge. hanmin, lionel and rachel were there also. haha.

clinical skills tute (ending the interview) with ethics tutor. goodness it was so boring. i was falling asleep and hoping she wouldn't call me. but some interesting things were brought up though. like how do you obtain informed consent from a patient if he keeps forgetting? and becoming desensitized to the fact that patients are people first of all. instead, we just rattle off stuff about their condition. and our role as first years? not to save lives, obviously. even fifth years don't get to do much. internship year's the crunch.

walked back with kaiwen sheryl daniel alex zhenwei. alex and kaiwen kept laughing at me and daniel cos we're using macs. haha. okay kaiwen was just finding random reasons to laugh at us. john's getting the parallel thing. i think i really need to do things like the great metabolic race (i've been putting that off for weeks, months even) and the other stuff on anatomy. hmm.

and rong. i don't like hd lor. so expensive can. but okay the sunrise thing was nice. :p but i'd go for chunky monkey any day. :p

going to help daddy do data entry again (i think it's his invoices) when i go back. source of income! hahaha. what on earth am i going to do when i go home. can't wait for my parcel. :D i forgot what's in it.

remember to call the GP tomorrow! and find out how to get there.

the seaweed is always greener in somebody else's lake
you dream about going up there, but that is big mistake


haematopoietic poets
this is what happens when you put six med students together for 4.5 hours, with non-stop discussion about cancer and muscle anat. ohh yes.

we just finished study buddy stuff and cg mother's day stuff (this was at like 12.30am). yuwan even gave up her precious sleep! haha. i was quite braindead after about 3 hours. and i had no idea about osteoclasts and osteoblasts, so everyone was a big help. especially christina! she is like SO PRO CAN. her general knowledge is like. fifty times our's. (that means 100 times mine)

helped zepeng find his GP visit place. hahaha.

i want to eat icecream! craving for ben&jerry's chunky monkey. :( or wishbone's banana. ahhhh. GULPS. actually, trampoline's banana's good too. nutella, hazelnut.. rawr. i wantttt. :(

haha the mucaps group allocation isn't up, so stupid. no one knows if they're supposed to do simulated emergencies tomorrow. i guess that's why it's called an emergency. hurrr dreading clinical skills tute again.

strength for today, a dance for my sorrow

alright going to sleep! if not i won't want to wake up for lecture tomorrow. goodnight.


beauty for ashes, joy for my pain

necrosis/ apoptosis lecture was postponed, so i'm back early. yay!

i managed to keep awake during the components of blood and blood clotting lectures, amazing. have to do notes soon.

i like monday PCLs so much more than friday PCLs. it's only an hour, and we aren't really expected to know much. on friday's the new system is that we have to present on the board without our notes, then quiz the class. gahhs. interventions! doing with charmaine, yay. ;p

couldn't help but sleep during the HIV/AIDS sociology lecture. i had no idea what aroni was talking about. and she hasn't returned us our perspectives on something notes. can't remember.

lunch! :)

anat lecture was so rushed. and the whole time i didn't know what anastomosis was! so i was just falling asleep. until i remembered that i could actually use the dictionary on the dashboard. haha. so blur.

i decided to drink coke today. it tastes weird.

i don't like afternoon sun. but today's weather's so good. :D

i actually really wanted to watch spiderman3. :\ everyone's going tomorrow! i feel deprived of movies. aww.

still don't know what to make for caregroup this friday! i hope there's glutinous rice and apple crumble.. haha. tomyam. ;p i wonder how many of the dishes will actually be someone's mother's favourite/ best.

looking forward to the plane ride because it's a full seven hours of not having to actually do anything. like- watch movies and eat and sleep!

okay off to try to be productive now.

wanjie says i'm emo. haha.


ohh yeah.

i tend to not believe things unless i have hard evidence. skeptical. there are only a few exceptions. one of them is when someone big tells me. another is when i'm high on dopamine.

i seriously have to study muscles and biomechanics tomorrow. i admire those doing the anat lectures, seriously. and HEP too. peifu peifu.

sometimes i think my purpose of being in some people's lives is to help them develop patience. you could wait forever for me and i could never give you an answer.

i'm ready for this week.

it can't be found; it's lost forever.


number39:
God's love for us is proclaimed with each sunrise.

cooked dinner, it was my therapy for tonight. it's quite unfortunate that the only two things i can cook are fried rice and brownies.

interesting, how so many things were mentioned during CDS today.

white on black.

if i lived in such a pretty place i'd probably spend hours there every single day. it's something you never get sick of.


heard this in ivy's car this afternoon:

at the cross i bow my knee
where Your blood was shed for me
there's no greater love than this
You have overcome the grave
Your glory fills the highest place
what can separate me now?




it's a new day
hillsong

beauty for ashes, joy for my pain
You've given me wings to fly again
strengh for today, a dance for my sorrows
because of You, because of You

shades of grey turn to colour
dark of night breaks to day

it's a new day, it's a new day
shadows rise at the glory of the Son
it's a new day, it's a new day
the past has gone and life has just begun

hope for my future
my life's made brand new
because of You, because of You
chains of fear turn to freedom
silence breaks into praise

it's a new day, it's a new day
shadows rise at the glory of the Son
it's a new day, it's a new day
the past has gone and life has just begun

it's a new day, it's a new day
it's a new new day, since You came my way

shades of grey turn to colour
dark of night breaks to day
chains of fear turn to freedom
silence breaks into praise


my head isn't ready for another week of uni.

my hand smells of lavender. like army.

lavender's blue, billy billy
lavender's green
when you are king, billy billy
i'll be your queen

my fingers aren't functioning properly. too cold.

at times i find myself asking for crazy things like-
if only i could have two sundays a week.
if only this hour stretched to two.

it's disappointing when things don't go our way, isn't it?

screaming insensitivities. of this. still life.

the sky was so pretty today, did you see it?
i asked Him what heaven would be like.
He said if we didn't know then it would be even more of a delight when we see it for the first time.

what do you do when you've missed your chance?

i blew it away. right after. just had to know if i could take letting it go.


is that from blood brothers?

doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, it just means you let it go. so it hurts less i guess. oh well. i can't do anything about it anyway. it's over, let go and move on. i just wonder why i didn't think of it before.

anyway. jon lent me season1 of house! :D he refused to lend it to sam haha. so now it's sitting on my shelf, begging to be watched. gahhs. assignment!

metoclopramide lipitor hypercholesterolaemia calcinosis scleroderma osteonecrosis osteoporosis subtotal colonectomy

i've hardly written anything (introduction and 2/3 of patient history), but that's enough. so confused about how the osteoporosis is supposed to be linked to osteonecrosis. because of the medication?? or maybe she was bluffing us. anyway. i decided to call her laura. :D don't know why. but it sort of suits her. so i'm happy.

doing this assignment is a bit weird. it's difficult cos i don't know how to phrase things, and i don't know what a lot of things mean. but ultimately i realised that i just want to tell her story.

how you study now vs. how you used to study vs. how you're supposed to study.

i am so confused. am i seriously supposed to understand?

it's annoying when that is belittled. makes me feel as if it was nothing.


replay over and over again in my head.

how on earth is it possible to study bone/ joint anatomy without a set of bones? by trying to study anat, i have discovered that i cannot spell. things like patella and sesamoid and pneumatic and cartilaginous and costochondral and carpometacarpal.

?!

finally sort of done. sort of.

now the headache of figuring out how to phrase stuff for the assignment. i can't even think of a name to use to de-identify my patient, goodness.

we learnt in HEP lecture yesterday that people in love have an increase in dopamine and a decrease in serotonin. that's similar to what happens in people with OCD. so maybe you're not falling in love, you're just being obsessive and compulsive.

i want to go there again before going home. not this time though, there isn't time. but at the end of the year. hopefully.

we should all refrain from saying things that slice through people's hearts.

it's gonna be just fine, you're holding on.


wherever you will go
the calling

so lately, been wonderin'
who will be there to take my place
when i'm gone, you'll need love
to light the shadows on your face
if a great wave shall fall
it would fall upon us all
and between the sand and stone
could you make it on your own

if i could, then i would
i'll go wherever you will go
way up high, or down low
i'll go wherever you will go

and maybe, i'll find out
a way to make it back someday
to watch you, to guide you
through the darkest of your days
if a great wave shall fall
it would fall upon us all
well i hope there's someone out there
who can bring me back to you

if i could, then i would
i'll go wherever you will go
way up high, or down low
i'll go wherever you will go

run away with my heart
run away with my hope
run away with my love

i know now, just quite how
my life and love might still go on
in your heart, in your mind
i'll stay with you for all of time

if i could, then i would
i'll go wherever you will go
way up high, or down low
i'll go wherever you will go

if i could turn back time
i'll go wherever you will go
if i could make you mine
i'll go wherever you will go

i'll go wherever you will go.



initiative.

as usual, i was the target of caregroup teaching. haha. hmmm. stuff to think about. like how initiative isn't just a part of someone's character, but it should be developed because we're meant to show initiative. because God's shown us a lot of it Himself.

i don't take initiative.

i should, i guess.

with your own strength, you can do a lot of things. but not everything. and when things start closing in on you and you feel like you're being suffocated. know that with God, all things are possible. :)

if you've got good intentions but don't do anything, you're no better than a hard boiled egg. no one can see your heart of gold. it's better to be a half boiled egg! ;p

have this blueblack on my knee, and i have no idea how it got there.

what's army's favourite dish?! i want to bake cheesecake. but no mixer! and no proper baking tray. and i haven't experimented with the farrer oven enough.. haha. sam gave the brownies a 9.5 though. 0.5 off because it was burnt. :p anyway. she only cooks a few things. cheesecake, liver, terriyaki chicken. haha i am so not cooking laksa.

someone teach me how to make apple crumble!

i want to start my assignment tomorrow.


what is this that i'm feelin'
like a fire in my soul
it makes me feel like dancin'
i'm losin' all control
something good is takin' over
from my head down to my toes
my heart, my heart overflows

it's the presence of Jesus
the glory of God
it's the joy
in the Holy Ghost
and He's giving me freedom
making me whole
my heart, my heart overflows


i bought an@tomedia!! :D haha. now i want a set of bones. and a stethoscope. :p

i think i like pharmacology. i never fall asleep during pharmacology lectures. :p or maybe it's just the lecturer. he's funny and he's bald. haha.

the rest of the day was boring. had a theme3 lecture at 8am and an HEP lecture at 1pm. i slept through most of the HEP lecture except for the video, which was really good. http://www.studiodaily.com/main/technique/tprojects/6850.html.

had lunch with yuwan. :) then jon yong came along and tried to convince us to be sponsors for born to fly. i still want to go to thailand at the end of the year! cambodia or vietnam would be good also. but since hope's from thailand, there are more connections there. according to jon.

helped sam borrow books from the matheson library. the lift reminds me of the caulfield library lift. except that i think you could actually suffocate in this one.

realised that i forgot to ask my patient to sign the consent form. :\ ahh.

charmaine's going for cg today! :D have to copy the PCL notes and return her later.

chalet in julyyyy! :D banana i love you.


i hope that never happens to me. ever.


why am i holding on so tightly to this world?


owww.

my head hurts. constant dull aching pain above my right eye. 4/10. sleeping would probably help. having to do work would make it worse. associated symptoms? my right eye hurts too. even when it's closed. and my belief is that either way, i'm going to be groggy tomorrow.

great way to practise clinical skills huh. WWQQAAAB, all covered.

haven't done work.
feel like not going for PCL tomorrow.


from joel's msn nick:
when you love a person, you're giving them the power to hurt you.

i think i exasperate.


seriously? seriously!

i made it through thursday! whee.

anat tute was quite interesting. my tutor is a bit psychotic! he thinks the rest of the staff aren't qualified to teach us, he teaches us for psychotherapy for himself, and he's in love with kevin cos of his name. but all in all he's not bad i guess. he says we have the right to barge in on dissections and stuff and ask them questions. they have to answer cos they're using our facilities. ha.

syndicate/ theme 3 tute was boring. it's better having the tute before the syndicate, cos then we can just leave early and have a one-hour lunch. haha.

rushed through lunch. complained a lot about how we have an 8-hour day. and zepeng (SEE I MENTIONED YOUR NAME. if you're even reading this haha) was giving us a crash course on joints. hinge, pivot, condylar/ ellipsoid (or something like that), saddle.. i can't remember already. but saddle will be the one i will always remember cos there's only one of those. the carpel-metacarpel joint at the thumb. :p

practical was.. well. we were supposed to look at microscope slides of bits of colon and find adenocarcinomas. but kaiwen and i spent forever trying to figure out what cancer cells look like under the microscope. then when we found out that they have larger nuclei, we couldn't find the larger nuclei on the slides.

sociology tute! thanks to rosalie, we only had to do ONE hypothetical today. which meant i could go through the whole tute only talking to kaiwen and steph. haha. everything was just whizzing past my head. asbestos scares me. and i'm glad he didn't pick me to be the james hardie person haha. i'd have just died.

walked back in the rain with kaiwen. she forced me to take her umbrella back haha.

so i'm quite braindead now. tired.

haha i inject sponge models of the human arm. so when we draw back, we put air into the syringe (which isn't supposed to happen in real tissue because obviously you don't have air in there). and it's obvious whether or not you've hit a vein, because you'd draw back blood. if you're in the muscle/fat, you wouldn't be able to draw back, which i think would feel freaky. like trying to pull the cells out of a person or something like that. hurr.

hee xD still can't wait for singapore! kaiwen wants to buy krispy kremes and jam donuts back. :D i miss eating jam donuts. no matter how much trans fat there is in there.

still too many things flying around my head.


so COLD

realised that i didn't say anything about the injection pract. haha. it was quite interesting. i wanted to steal the needles, but. decided to just throw them in the sharps bin and take only the syringe. :p okay and an alcohol swab. :p the darting motion is quite scary, i don't know how much of the needle is supposed to go in. scared of hitting the bone. or a nerve or something. and have to draw back to see if you've hit a blood vessel. so scary. haha. alex wanted to give an injection at his GP placement though he hasn't had the pract yet. haha.

finished notes for molecular basis of cancer 1 and 2, which means i only have 3 left. :) pretty much done with research for anat too, anatomical position, anatomical planes and movement pairs aren't too difficult. cos it's only basic terminology. i'm starting to dread anat. :\ rong you can learn it for me.

going to try to do syndicate now. if i can't then i'll just copy and paste. and then do notes for the third lecture.

on second thoughts, forget the notes. tomorrow's eight hours straight except for a 25min break. i'll do the notes after uni.

going to sleep now goodnight.


happy birthday may!! :D

this morning the field at the sports and rec was covered with birds, easily 500 of them. such an amazing sight, too bad i didn't bring my camera to uni.

today i interviewed my first patient. with aruna. obviously she did more of the talking than me. anyway. this patient had like a million and one things wrong with her body. scleroderma, which occurs in 19 out of a million people. she hasn't eaten solid food in 15 years. her husband passed away. she's had a gazillion operations. and yet she has such a positive outlook on life. she's one of the most optimistic people i've ever met. probably the most, considering her situation.

i thought the site visit would have a bit more though. all we did was wait (and listen to a bit of the year3 lecture), go to the ward, talk to the patient, ask the 5th year guide about scleroderma and some legal stuff. we looked at the patient's file though, which is actually illegal. hurr.

nike's shoes were a bit small so my feet were dying. but hey i made it back.

have to do research for anat pract tomorrow, they're trying to kill us. study buddy notes, anat research, syndicate.

:\ why did that happen.


hebrews 12:1-13
therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that so hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and pefecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
in your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. and you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:
"My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when He rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those He loves, and He punishes everyone He accepts as a son."
endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. for what son is not disciplined by his father? if you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. how much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in His holiness. no discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. "make level paths for your feet," so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.


blackies!
my brownies got burnt. :(

but i still like baking. :p

happy birthday nike! :D

thank you.

TIRED. very very.

why they swop the group A and group B timetables?! rawr. complain complain.

things to do:
- notes for study group (molecular basis of cancer 123)
- HEP journal (just a bit left)
- figure out what to wear to alfred hospital tomorrow
- figure out how to get to alfred hospital
- borrow PCL notes from charmaine
- study a gazillion things

no fear, protection, safety, love.

i sit and look at all the photos of people i want to see in heaven.


i just had the single most scary experience in my entire life.
but my God is mighty to save.
in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.