fawn
27
(doctor!)
singapore/ sunny coast
melbourne! ♥
(would love to bake for a cafe/
?bird & brie)
wallflower
☁
my brother says i am
a cumulonimbus cloud :)

also

joy unspeakable that won’t go away
and just enough strength to live for today
so i never have to worry
what tomorrow will bring
‘cause my faith is on a solid rock
i am counting on God
♡
in dreams and in love
there are no impossibilities.
- jános arany
☼
You make all things
work together for my good.

people

rong; yurong; diana; may;
peiyu; caleb; kevin; daniel; joel;
lois; susanna; june; jane; cheryl;
yuwan; christina; jocelyn;
ivy; mangyik; jasmine; ida; valerie;
jason; joab; shaun; jintat;
jonathan chua; freedy; gary;
iris; sammy; nicky;

love

history

March 2005; April 2005; May 2005; June 2005; July 2005; August 2005; September 2005; October 2005; November 2005; December 2005; January 2006; February 2006; March 2006; April 2006; May 2006; June 2006; July 2006; August 2006; September 2006; October 2006; November 2006; December 2006; January 2007; February 2007; March 2007; April 2007; May 2007; June 2007; July 2007; August 2007; September 2007; October 2007; November 2007; December 2007; January 2008; February 2008; March 2008; April 2008; May 2008; June 2008; July 2008; August 2008; September 2008; October 2008; November 2008; December 2008; January 2009; February 2009; March 2009; April 2009; May 2009; June 2009; July 2009; August 2009; September 2009; October 2009; November 2009; December 2009; January 2010; February 2010; March 2010; April 2010; May 2010; June 2010; July 2010; August 2010; September 2010; October 2010; November 2010; December 2010; January 2011; February 2011; March 2011; April 2011; May 2011; June 2011; July 2011; August 2011; September 2011; October 2011; November 2011; December 2011; January 2012; February 2012; March 2012; April 2012; May 2012; June 2012; July 2012; August 2012; September 2012; October 2012; November 2012; December 2012; January 2013; February 2013; March 2013; April 2013; May 2013; June 2013; July 2013; August 2013; September 2013; October 2013; November 2013; December 2013; January 2014; February 2014; March 2014; April 2014; May 2014; June 2014; July 2014; August 2014; September 2014; October 2014; November 2014; January 2015; February 2015; March 2015; April 2015; May 2015; June 2015; July 2015; August 2015; February 2016; March 2016; April 2016; June 2016; July 2016; August 2016; September 2016; October 2016; November 2016;

credits

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today is jinlih's birthday!
dearest first 3 months A31 OGL. :D

destress! i'm worried. :\ stressed.

listening to random songs. fly/ worlds apart.


fly
jars of clay

be still, let your hand melt into mine
the part of me that breathes when you breathe is losing time
i can't find the words to say
i'll never say goodbye

and i'll fly with you through the night
so you know i'm not letting go
i'm not letting go
my tears like rain fill up the sky
oh, my love, i'm not letting go
i won't let you go

i saw the host of silent angels waiting on their own
knowing that all the promises of faith
come alive when you see me home
hold still and let your hand melt into mine

and i'll fly with you through the night
so you know i'm not letting go
i'm not letting go
my tears like rain fill up the sky
oh, my love, i'm not letting go
i won't let you go

shed your heart and your breath and your pain and fly

now you're alive
i won't let you go
i'm not letting go


i want this song!

sometimes when we touch
dan hill

you ask me if i love you, and i choke on my reply
i'd rather hurt you honestly, than mislead you with a lie
and who am i to judge you, on what you say or do
i'm only just beginning to see the real you

and sometimes when we touch
the honesty's too much
and i have to close my eyes and hide
i wanna hold you till i die
till we both break down and cry
i want to hold you
till the fear in me subsides

romance and all, its strategy leaves me battling with my pride
but through the insecurity, some tenderness survives
i'm just another writer, still trapped within my truths
a hesitant prize fighter, still trapped within my youth

and sometimes when we touch
the honesty's too much
and i have to close my eyes and hide
i wanna hold you till i die
till we both break down and cry
i want to hold you
till the fear in me subsides

at times i'd like to break you, and drag you to your knees
at times i'd like to break through, and hold you endlessly
at times i understand you, and i know how hard you've tried
i've watched while love commands you
and i've watched love pass you by
at times i think we're drifters, still searching for a friend
a brother or a sister, but then the passion flares again

and sometimes when we touch
the honesty's too much
and i have to close my eyes and hide
i wanna hold you till i die
till we both break down and cry
i want to hold you
till the fear in me subsides


with Christ in the vessel
we can smile at the storm
(:

SEE EXAMS. I AM SMILING AT YOU.
okay sorry a bit nuts. because exams start tomorrow! whee~

and can post already! haha.

hmm. someone bought breakfast for me today! :D aww. i know it's a bribe to use my comp lah. but i would've lent it anyway heh. didn't even have to carry it there.

studied english today. unsung heroes. wrote notes about everyone's commitments. tried to remember the formats of the noteform summary, paragraph summary, in your opinion question, commitment theme essay and letter to the editor.

lunch at yoyogi (again). terriyaki bento and fried tofu. the onion skins kept flapping around lah so scary. haha. like it was alive. and then we were broke. sigh.

did two math papers. oh man i think i hardly did anything today. but still okay lah. tomorrow after english go state lib do the last paper, then wednesday morning go through the tests. i've done every past year trial/final paper in the study guides! twice. haha except the one i'm doing tomorrow night. :D love math. it's the one thing i can do even when i don't feel like studying. except that i make horrendous careless mistakes lah. like today, for example.

i've realised that some people have very weird bone shapes. like so sticking out. haha.

had to carry my comp back on my own lah cos someone went back for dinner. awww. always give me that face.

and someone else. aiyoh stop trying to be so despo CAN. eeyer SO IRRITATING, you and your multiple question marks. GRR.

is it wrong to not feel guilty after blowing someone off?

huiru msged me today! :D she was studying at sixth avenue coffee bean (is it?) and sebas walked past. haha. he was studying with kelly.

i wonder when uncle ho will drop by to pass me the boxes (yeah i so want to pack -.-). i bet i'll either be in the library or in school having an exam when he comes. then he'll leave it at reception, and i'll only be able to get it the next day. well it's not as if i'll pack before the end of exams anyway.

i don't like calling people haha. okay not everyone. just people i'm not close to or have nothing to say to. which is actually a lot of people.

AUNTY HELEN SENT ME SEVENTEEN AGAIN. :)

heh okay enough rambling. SIXTEEN DAYS to home sweet home! :D AHHH. can't you just feel the anticipation building up inside haha. oh man i can't wait! (yes we tell each other that everyday. it's normal. want to try being us?)

"..and now i owe you more money."
"..oh no then how? i know! next year be my servant, and your debt will be repaid."


and remember that sometimes when we walk, we fall.

today passed really quickly without me doing anything.

went to state lib, then church. today was mercy sunday, so the preacher talked about the parable of the good samaritan. later on when i looked in my striped notebook, i found sermon notes on the same topic, preached by daddy in nov last year. :)

and it was quite interesting looking through the notebook. old receipts from billybomber's, pasta(mania), yoshi, taka, creative hands, alternatives.. haha. i miss those places. soon, my dears. :D and nj band concert ticket, sentosa tickets, old movie stubs (emilyrose, mr&mrs smith, just like heaven etc).

OH MAN. today was ultimate nostalgia. seriously.

went to chinatown for lunch. king's cafe. the food wasn't fab. then went to macs (swanston/little collins?) and sat there while someone tried studying microecons. called amy (the first time i called i was too early cos i forgot that today's the start of daylight savings, meaning it's 3 hours difference. later when i thought about it, i realised that church service starts at like 10.30am now right? so the timing wasn't all that wrong.) and talked to her, sus, chari, shaobin. :) i'm going to malaysia from 24-27nov for mission trip. :) YURONG I WON'T BE THERE FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY. haha awww.

reflected on everything that's happened during the year. well. sort of. there were a lot of weird people in macs, kind of distracting. some aussies know no shame. screaming and running around with sticks of connected straws, you know? like 3-year-olds. and they were like our age. HELLO. please grow up already.

it got too noisy so we moved to the new macs (lonsdale/swanston). it's really nice. a bit small, but cos it's new, the decor is really really nice. except that the centre tables look like. um. i don't know, a bit weird. everyone avoids those and sits at the side with the nice cushiony seats anyway. i love cushiony seats. :)

played with handphones and camera and talked. had hot chocolate and scones. haha. macs staffed by bimbos.

army called to talk about the mission trip thing. daddy asked her to put me on loudspeaker. actually i hate loudspeaker, but haha. well. everyone said hi. daddy said we're buying an apartment in the city and renting it out, then renting one in caulfield. i'm already dreading suburb life. i have been brainwashed by someone.

went to nando's for dinner. didn't really eat much. talked about SINGAPORE. condo beside bukit batok mrt station with the nice pool? haha. old house in a village in malaysia with robbers. grandaunt's house in penang with toilet bowls that haven't been changed for donkey years.

WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT THIS KIND OF THING TWO DAYS BEFORE EXAMS HUH?! and then we keep reminding ourselves that it's only seventeen days away. sometimes it seems like such a short time, sometimes it seems like an eternity.

things i am currently dreading:
- exams (duh)
- results
- living in australia
- growing old and being a burden (like need people to do every single thing for you kind of burden)

things i am currently looking forward to:
- going home
- exams to be over

actually that's it. haha. my brain isn't really working properly now so there's only space for a few things.

specs are evil. i'm a happier person without my specs. heh. DON'T TRY THIS ON ME. it doesn't always work.

i desperately need new songs. heard some nice ones while in macs today. and some in church also. but i don't know the names. so irritating.

and i have to clean my comp because i'm lending it to someone tomorrow.

conflict.
i've always been either avoiding, or running away from conflict. when i'm faced with a conflict, i give in. to me, it's better to suffer in (seeming) silence, rather than make it awkward between people. maybe that makes me bottle things in. but then i've never really been close to exploding.

i wanna hold you till i die
till we both break down and cry

i'd like to (still) be happy when i get old.


i could use a new beginning too
all of my regrets are nothing new

today was a bit weird. yeah, and unproductive. :
i was the first person to msg huiru on her new number! :)

nike and ian were earlier than me. then aries came also. it felt weird to be sitting on the left. but it's a nicer spot. not so exposed haha.

went through chem tests and did 2 math trial papers. yup, that's all. oh man, that's all.

didn't go for lunch. in the end someone dabao-ed sushi for me. sigh. i think there are so many things that i don't want happening, yet when they happen, it's actually okay. i can't crash your house next year because i will be so embarrassed my gosh.

"thank you :) you're an angel."
look who's the angel lah. :)

walked around melbourne central while waiting for the 6.20 train. looked at puppies and kittens while they closed the petshop. learnt more about a completely messed up family. 2 minutes. go. faster.

i came back and guess what. my roomie was using my comp. seriously ah. sigh okay i'm not gonna say anything. since i couldn't use my comp, i went to lie down. and drifted in and out of sleep for about an hour. ONE HOUR. gone. :( but it was alright lah cos i was really quite tired. thankfully i can sleep in a bit more tomorrow. but eh, actually cannot leh.

tomorrow there's daylight savings. so tonight's the night they steal one hour of my sleep, sigh. in april, they gave us one extra hour. what did we do? play truth or dare. now they take one hour away. and all i want to do is sleep. right. 3hours time difference.. well it doesn't matter anyway. not much.

the use of PROFANITIES has been bugging me. more than the use of question marks. some people are so irritating.

but anyway.

happy birthday eeli! :)
happy birthday sarah banana!

i'm going home soon i'm going home soon i'm going home soon! :)


i am so good at wasting time.

i don't know, but i think it's a bit strange to come back to your room to find your roommate sitting at your table, webcamming on your comp. weird, huh? haha. i'm thankful she doesn't know much english, who knows what she could be spying on? heh. but she has to realise that in a few weeks, she won't have this luxury anymore. and she has to buy her own clothes rack etc etc. hmm. better warn her first.

and i finished the bonesetter's daughter. i don't think it's boring leh. of course it's not like suspense/ thrillers lah, so you can't compare it like that. it's not a book you could get hooked on, but i think it's quite good. so sad, that's probably the last book i'll borrow from taylors library. haha. nike said they're changing everything to overnight loan for us cos they're scared we steal the books.



learning to breathe
switchfoot

hello, good morning, how ya do
what makes Your rising sun so new
i could use a new beginning too
all of my regrets are nothing now

this is the way
that i say i need You
this is the way
this is the way

that i'm learning to breathe
i'm learning to crawl
i'm finding that You
and You alone can break my fall
i'm living again, awake and alive
i'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies

hello, good morning, how ya been
yesterday left my head kicked in
i never thought i could fall like that
never knew that i could hurt this bad

that i'm learning to breathe
i'm learning to crawl
i'm finding that You
and You alone can break my fall
i'm living again, awake and alive
i'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies

so this is the way
that i say i need You
this is the way
that i say i love You
this is the way
that i say i'm Yours
this is the way
this is the way


to rong:
haha i already told you, questions with excessive use of question marks will not be answered. :p one is perfectly sufficient. and AIYO i don't know lah. maybe it's one of your million sweethearts.

YURONG i want the founder's day 4A pic! please please (:

oh man A's are so soon, i'm so worried for everyone. :\ me included.


never to be spoken of again.

i feel like going back to primary school and playing midnight rescue and carmen sandiego! hahaha. okay quite random but it was fun. taking photos of robots and finding clues and answering weird 'english' questions. haha.

happy birthday shuwei! :)

last night went to jelline/ carol/ evelyn's apartment (313 i think) to ask syahir chem questions with nike. (for example, how do you draw the structure or nitrogen dioxide?) we ended up helping them make creme caramel instead. haha. syahir wanted to make meringue too, but it was a flop cos we had no electric mixer. poor evelyn. and the creme caramel turned out too sweet cos of the caramel sauce haha. everyone was being mean to syahir. :D but really quite funny. hahaha.

and i found out that jacky (jackie?) is jelline's cousin! haha okay a bit slow.

woke up today feeling determined to study haha. AS IF LOR. but i reached state lib a bit earlier. like 10.15?

FRIENDSHIP BAND (: yes, if it drops off along the road you will feel guilty for the rest of your life i promise you.

went through the chem practice tests. that's all i did today lah oh my gosh so lousy. :( only nine practice tests. and lamented the fact that i actually lost test6 (atomic bonding) and haven't bothered to get a copy from someone else. :
okay wait i need to get syahir's essay from his (really cool) thumbdrive thing. heh. his english is like super pro lah. i want! haha.

we go all the way, do we need the pain
waking up in a black tomorrow

jap for lunch again. wow. i bet by the time we go back (to singapore), the people working at yoyogi will know us by name lah.

AND WE'RE GOING BACK IN LIKE TWENTY DAYS OH MY GOSH. DO YOU KNOW HOW SOON THAT IS. IT IS SO SCARY. LIKE HOW AM I GOING TO PACK?! :\ AHHH.

heh. and yurong msged me haha. i think she can be most frequent smser! :D haha she msged about a light blue jacket. i think i used it for O's leh. haha. who's the one remembering weird things lah haha. :p study at state macs. :D

i hate people who use excessive punctuation marks. especially question marks. and dots. exclamation marks are still okay. STOP PUTTING SO MANY QUESTION MARKS LAH it puts me off answering your questions. okay wait let me rephrase that. i hate the excessive use of punctuation.

and jean blogged! :)

and eunice got blog! haha.

and oh yes. this is carol's 'joke', which syahir thinks is hilarious:
there was this polar bear somewhere in the north pole. one day, he felt very hot, so he plucked out his fur. then another day, he felt very cold, and he said "ohh, so coldd."
-.-"

okay, like kevin: random picture of the day!





i wonder if it's worth it, trying to find another you.

studied with nike today! :) because i was unceremoniously abandoned by a certain someone halfway. :( and i don't even know why. :(

and all i did today was about 4/5 of the chem energy/ organic chem study guide (i haven't memorised the stupid galvanic cells equations) and 2 math trial papers. and the chem trial exam. sigh. unproductive.

maybe today i stoned too much. thought about things like how my primary school pencil is more than 6 years old, but the inside's much younger. and how i still used it just because of how the outside feels. but isn't the inside so much more important? haha okay it was a bit stupid to be thinking this way about pencils. but when you think about it in a bigger context, then i guess it's more important.

walked around the la trobe reading room because i didn't trust you. and there i found a lot of other people. like waicheong and josiah and eldon. but not who i was looking for, but that's good also. much better than if i'd found you there.

was it all just wasted time? i suddenly liked another song but the lyrics aren't exactly very.. hmm. :
one day it's up and the next it's down. that's more tiring than it always being down. i'm exhausted in every possible way.

fast forward or rewind, either would be better than being trapped here and now.

am i being very incoherent.


walk in my slippers;
even if they're too small

hmmmm. today was productive! :D woohoo babeh~

firstly, jason said i am stylo mylo! :D ahaha.

okay then today studied quite a bit. realised that i've finished the bio notebook. which is quite good. :) now still have notes for a few topics then no more already. :) okay lah got study guide questions. hmm. went through chemical reactions study guide. mole (all the very very basic chem stuff), gravimetric, volumetric, instrumental analysis, rate of reaction, equilibrium, sulphuric acid. and then went through gattaca, unsung heroes, wife of martin guerre notes. :)

whee~ i am feeling accomplished today!

except for the fact that i feel like i'm swimming around. my studying has no direction. i jump here and there. like i'm lost. :\ i'm worried about chem and physics. rahhhhh.

ate jap for lunch and dinner. ramen and udon. haha. okay we're trying to be healthier. okay not really me. my new rule about veg is that if i like it then it's okay. my last rule was like, if it's green then it's not okay. haha. but now change cos apparently seaweed is a veg?? hurr.

FRIENDSHIP BAND. ahaha. ren super funny. :D i miss her!

and i msged steph. :) her exams are like SO LATE and so she's going back SO LATE also. like 6 dec! and that's when i'm flying back here. okay lah i mean gold coast. haha. aiyo but nevermind, we have long break. :)

i don't know why people don't go for lesson for 2 weeks then beg other people to teach them, a week before exams. it's stats lah, for goodness' sake. and HELLO, look who's your roomie! the GENIUS. hur. yeah i really don't see why people come here to waste their time and money. they don't appreciate everything that's gone into them being here in the first place.

i want to buy new havaianas! but don't know what colour haha. baby blue/ dark pink? hahaha. brown/ black. bright vs. boring? haha i don't know.

it's a bit stupid how someone who's staying so far away can arrive earlier than someone who's staying so near. lateness bugs me. so i can't be late! :( oh no what is happening to me. sigh well at least today i was earlier than usual.

and. i have finally given in to letting my hair be messy. because no matter what, the wind still kills whatever you try to do to it (which in my case, isn't much). my ponytail has a weird shape, so i've given up on it too. so. messy hair! heh. succumb to the antarctic winds.

read xiaxue's blog a few days back. what sort of person buys a laptop just because she has time to kill in transit between flights? and diamante cameras and laptops? ..i have nothing to say.

i love white ink on black paper. and i need a new maobi because i killed mine doodling on a sad day.

pedro slippers! haha they're old but they're comfy, even if they're like way too big.

THREE WEEKS OH MAN.

okay a bit high today.


happy 11 month anniversary yurong! :D

REN CALLED ME. :D 20mins! ahaha. yeah they very ngiao. but then i called her back, 46mins! haha yayyy. i am now much more updated about things (i think). :) thank you ren! friendship band done, and yeah, my estimation sucks. :
and another nice song. :)


rise up
third day

well I was there when you were torn apart
and now a piece of you is gone
somehow you wish that you could only find
a little strength to carry on

you tried to hard to make it on your own
that your heart has come undone
so I am here to prove that I alone
have the power to overcome

don't let your heart be troubled
this world will never keep you down
it will never keep you down

so rise up, my friend
no, this will never be the end
so rise up, my friend
and live again

I didn't want you to feel this way
it's not what life was meant to be
so for you, my friend, I'll take your shame
you can give it all to Me

'cause you've wrestled demons every day
and they've dragged you to your knees
but in your weakness you will learn to find
that I will always be your strength

in life or in death
through joy or regret
and all of the secret things you have done
no matter what comes, my friend
nothing can keep you from the love of God


there you go, that's for you.
my fingers are raw now.

it's not the easy, happy things that mould us. it's when the walls crumble and we are seemingly left with nothing, and we have to start building again from scratch. that's when we grow.

and so, although i cannot for the life of me see the reason behind all this crap that's being thrown at you now, please don't give up. even if things only get worse. give your best, because that's all there is left now.

yup, today i hardly did anything.

woke up and wondered why on earth linfang was still sleeping. OH, it was only 6+. man i remember winter days when it would still be dark at that time. haha.

woke up again, 7+. didn't bother to do anything, sleep.

the last time, 8.30am. around there. went out to look at the comp and there was someone talking, so okay. wake up.

state lib at 10.45am, it was too full. default location snapped up. quite irritating. state lib places should be saved for the regular customers, not those who only start cramming days before exams hello! :(

did a bit of bio. two math papers. went out at 1pm to get sushi and go to riot! (art shop). left with dmc um, string.

continued doing math. and a bit of bio. then gave up and went back at about 4.45pm.

went out to walk around with linfang. melbourne central and myer. army called for a while, back from bangkok. bought kfc and came back.

oh, my wallet died and revived today. i'm happy. :)

well.. not exactly happy. because of stuff. i really don't understand why this is happening. of course the typical response would be OH SO POOR THING. but. why?? :(

"don't be sad okay? must cheer me up or else i become worse."

i don't know how! :(

and now i shall continue knotting.

tomorrow has got to be a more productive day, or i will just scream.


i know i am loved by the King
and it makes my heart wanna sing

haha i have to say this again:yurong rocks! :D haha for always sending me nice songs.. not even by request! :D haha THANK YOU.

today started off by me being woken up by a phone call.
"morning! wake up! i need a big favour from you. go bathe and get ready, then call me okay?"thankfully some people know enough not to ramble on and on about what they want you to do. early in the morning, when you're still half-asleep. nothing registers, you know?

daily zone 1 full fare metcard
$6.10, that's how much it costs to travel around for a day, only in zone 1 (the closest to the heart of the city).

passed the ticket through the fence. this kind of thing scares me, but for once, i told myself not to assume anything. not to blame. there had to be a reason. and sure enough, there was. it's a pity i can't do that for everyone/ just anyone. sigh.

state lib at 10.15am, the earliest i've ever been. same default location. saw yeemun and syahir and lucy from src. and a bunch of hongkees.

did some bio. immunity, digestion, respiratory system, excretion, transport.

lunch at gigi, some jap restaurant. fight over who keeps the $2 change. aust $2 coins are retardedly small. i got a singapore 10cent coin today. :D

walked back to hostel to get math stuff cos i didn't have enough work to last me until 9pm. so i lugged the ibook there and back. (okay i hugged it there and back) i think ibooks are really pretty. oh man. haha. SO PRETTY I WANT ONE. :D haha. okay i'm a bit mad.

did one chem structured section. couldn't concentrate.. wasted time stoning a bit. then started math. the questions looked familiar. what did i expect, i'd done that same paper only ten days ago. haha. ran out of math papers to do. past midyears, trials, finals..

when i finished the second last question of the second math paper, i stopped. you can't just continue doing your work when someone beside you is so depressed. :\ sigh. i was praying for a big hug for you, since i can't do anything. sometimes i feel so helpless. don't know what to say, don't know what to do, so helpless.

went to wingloong for dinner. i've decided that unagi is harmless because it is, after all, a fish. and i don't care much about fish. except koi (because i've owned them before and nobody eats koi) and salmon (simply because it is disgustingly fishy).

what makes us chinese? the fact that everyone fights over who foots the bill. yeah, i still owe you money. the $2 from lunch doesn't offset dinner.

about the 'i want to go home' thing, i guess it just happens. not all the time, but sometimes it just hits you, hard. perhaps it happens more when everything's still new. after you get used to life away from everyone else, it happens less often. but it still does. but it's easier to get through these things after a while. i suppose you get used to it. and so it hurts less.

an sms from someone (i don't know who, maybe yurong haha)
It takes 15 trees to produce the amount of paper that u use to write in 1 exam. Join us in promoting the noble cause of saving trees. SAY NO TO EXAMS.

haha i thought it was funny. I SUPPORT THE NOBLE CAUSE.

okay and here's the nice song that yurong sent me! :)


how can i keep from singing
chris tomlin

there is an endless song
echoes through my soul
i can hear the music ring

and though the storms may come
i am holding on
to the Rock i cling

how can i keep from singing Your praise
how can i ever say enough
how amazing is Your love
how can i keep from shouting Your name
i know i am loved by the King
and it makes my heart wanna sing

i will lift my eyes
in the darkest night
for i know my Saviour lives

and i will walk with You
knowing You'll see me through
and sing the songs You give

how can i keep from singing Your praise
how can i ever say enough
how amazing is Your love
how can i keep from shouting Your name
i know i am loved by the King
and it makes my heart wanna sing

i can sing in the troubled times
sing when i win
i can sing when i lose my step
and fall down again
i can sing 'cause You pick me up
sing 'cause You're there
i can sing 'cause You hear me Lord
when i call to You in prayer
i can sing with my last breath
sing for i know
that i'll sing with the angels
and the saints around the throne


friday saturday sunday monday;
wednesday thursday friday saturday sunday monday
that's a lot of full days

happy birthday alison! (:
even though you don't read this.

woke up feeling tired and sian and not feeling like i wanted to do anything. went to melbourne central and sat there feeling headachey and tired. then went to state lib to meet ian. then church.

today was temple day. the 141st anniversary of swanston street church of Christ. today the name changed to cross culture church of Christ. praise and worship consisted of new old songs.. i barely remember them, but i know i've sung them before. :) there was a choir and a dance item. they were wearing ballet shoes. so nostalgic. cmw rehearsals etc. rong blogged that i was an ex-ballerina. haha. it's sad to think that now i'm slouchy too. need someone to always tell me to stand up straight.

priorities. knowing that the great commission is sandwiched in between a great affirmation and a great promise. purity of heart; focused on God, united in purpose. and that in order to make disciples, we have to be disciples ourselves. living in obedience to God's commands.

kerri ma sang this song she wrote, called 'busy'. quite funny and meaningful. :)

since it was temple day, there was a free lunch. hotdogs, haha. no idea what was in them, but sometimes it's better not to know. if i knew i was eating a dead cow... x\ heh.

walked/ took tram to crown. the more we walked, the more we decided that it would be too crowded (to study). but we went anyway. found a place at the food area and ate a spud. it was good. :D and it may be going to singapore in the near future haha. with mr potato head from toy story. ha.

then we decided that it was a good day to walk around. so we walked around. at the back of federation square, there was this art exhibition. okay, photo exhibition. apparently it was on display outside wheelock before, but i didn't see it. photos of earth from the air. or something like that. quite cool. and each photo was accompanied by an interesting fact.

like how $1.8billion worth of material is needed to make one personal computer.

and how, if everyone lives like the french, we'd need two more planets to support us.

and how one american uses like 600 litres of water a day.

and how an average person in a developed country generates about 620kg of waste a year.

and how the hole in the ozone layer reached a size of 27 billion square km (i think) last year, or the equivalent of several times the surface area of the united states.

and how recycling one tonne of plastic would save 750 litres of oil.

and how contaminated water results in the death of 5 million a year, compared to 3 million who die of AIDS.

it's quite depressing i guess. :\ makes you think a lot.

walked around a bit more and watched people rowing long skinny boats. watched kids playing at a playground. then went to macs (on swanston/flinders) to use the toilet. ended up reading a bit there cos we discovered that the upstairs was quite suited to studying. like melbourne's version of kap. haha. strawberry sundaes, fries. read the bonesetter's daughter while ian studied some weird thing i'm glad i will never have to learn.

took a tram back to melbourne central, then waited for the glen waverly train. then, bye.

met koney, who was going to coles to buy stuff to make tiramisu! haha. [doesn't tiramisu just remind you of jason? i remember last time right after he left, i couldn't look at tiramisu without thinking of him. and they sell tiramisu everywhere! heh] then i decided to go to safeway since i'd run out of fruits and milk and eggs. bought juice too.

today i thought about how i never tell other people daddy's jokes. cos they're just weird, even though they make me laugh. haha. or even his A&E stories which are really hilarious. but it's like, when you find someone who warns you about puddles of spit on the floor, it makes it okay, cos they're really the same.

lent syahir my mixing bowl and baking tray, in addition to the cake pan and measuring jug from two days ago. haha.

and today was medical sunday back in chs. haha. i think the same thing happens every year. today in service the pastor held up a cross made from the wooden pews of a church in (i forgot where) somewhere, and i was thinking, how long's it been since i last sat on a wooden pew? ha.

my i-need-to-go-home syndrome has passed, thankfully. kevin should really change my link on his blog. who says i don't want to go home?? haha.

okay i should really try to sleep earlier tonight, then maybe tomorrow will be more effective. it is study break, after all, it's meant to be the most effective period. and we have a new default area in the state lib haha.

try not to compress your sneeze.


right now i need You more than ever

today's been a tiring day of not really doing much. you know, one of those days when you're happily (well, more or less happily) living your life, when suddenly out of the blue, you want to go home.

yeah, i want to go home. now. it's a desperate feeling. rather sad and depressed, longing and yearning, yet dreading it at the same time. but really, all i want is to be home. doesn't matter (so much) how things have changed, how people have changed, how i won't have my old room back, how bubbles will have to get used to my smell again, how the heat will worsen my eczema..

what's all this for?

anyway. onto things that are perhaps less random and make more sense.

studied enzymes, photosynthesis, respiration. did 5 chem structured sections. tried to study kidney, but it was a flop.

saw syahir angela yeemun jelline carol at state library today. and eri and karen too.

lunch at vietnamese noodle house, it was quite good. the egg yolks were cute, but i think they were made the same way fishballs are made. dinner at nando's. cous cous is not nice. smelt beer. i doubt i'll change my resolution of being alcohol-free.

was asked about what i want to do with my life. other than being a doctor. it's a lot to think about.

and then about relationships. how they're always changing. how it takes so much effort to keep in touch with people. when you're the one who's away, the responsibility naturally falls on your shoulders. i've never been good at this, lois can be my witness. and not just between friends. what about family?

forgot how we got onto the dreaded topic of father. it sort of turns the conversation sour. i learnt more today.

tattoos and how they're wrong.

remembered how gonggong used to piggyback me to novena mrt station.

childhood? all the little bits and pieces of it.

i think the worst way to die would be to drown.

and i finally realised, that it doesn't have to be that complicated. there's no point in worrying about little things like this. it's still early, there's still time (provided God doesn't decide to take me away so soon). i just need to trust that His will will be done.

sometimes i feel guilty about singing words i feel i don't mean.

i've wondered how i've changed since i came here. it's almost the end of the year. i'll reflect more after exams i guess.

"do you want to sit next to me? ..we'll see how you feel on that day lah k?"

and now i need to shower so i can try to study later. maybe tomorrow instead of reading the bonesetter's daughter, i'll write farewell notes to everyone. the precious few.


when you only focus on your problems, you become blind to everything else. how then can you expect things to get better?


within reach, yet it slips through your fingers just like that

hahaha i read what rong blogged about nic chew's leg bleeding and just laughed and laughed lah. i am so weird.

okay today got up at 9.45am and went to school at 11+am. got the yearbook, went around talking to people, taking photos, eating etc. it was quite a boring party. and there were so few people.

and mrs richards told me that last year, there were 2 prizes for each subject, cos monash would give one and taylors would give one too. so that means best and second best. that means i would've gotten bio prize if i'd been here last year?! :( rahhhhhh okay that was like the saddest part of my day.

took a photo with mrs dawson and she apologised profusely again about the mock interview. i guess it smarts when people just completely break you down without bothering to find out the truth. and she's always trying to make me have more confidence, i don't think it's working haha. oh well. she's actually very nice, despite what some people say about her. :)

after wasting more time, i went back to get books and dump the camera etc, then went to state lib to find ian. did two math papers, then went to safeway to get a drink (appleblackcurrent juice). then continued mugging! one more math paper. (okay lah they weren't full papers cos of all the stuff that's been taken off the syllabus)

then halfway through, edward called. he came to the state lib to pass me christmas present haha. a luft calendar dog. :D so cute haha. red and white, singapore colours. how apt.

continued doing work. 2005 bio paper. the past year bio papers are worrying me cos they're a lot harder than like midyear and trial. :\ HOW. but our final examiner is the one who came up with our trial paper, so it should be more like that one right? sigh. :(

then the library closed and we were chased out. went to valleygirl, then the foodcourt place cos he wanted to get a burger. then walked back to hostel. i still owe him a note aiyah. wait until we go back lah.

and daniel tan said he might be coming here next semester! some overseas dunnowhat thing in his poly, so cool. haha.

and kor didn't know i was talking about him haha. so weird.
"who's that kor on your blog?"
hahaha. he analyses stuff like it's a lit passage lah. btw i remember the fences thing already lah. the fences were limitations! :D and.. yeah, time will tell i suppose. it's still scary to think about the what-ifs though.

tell me to my face





teach me to dance to the beat of Your heart

while i was verbalising someone's pm ('teach me', stolen from me), this old song came to mind. :) old as in, i haven't sung it since fcbc, which is like, 5 years or so. long enough to have forgotten the song, but well.

if anyone has this song or knows how the 3rd/4th part goes, please tell me! :D because i can't remember. :
happy birthday daixuan!

and sebas don't be so sad! :(


teach me to dance
graham kendrick

teach me to dance to the beat of Your heart
teach me to move in the power of Your Spirit
teach me to walk in the light of Your presence
teach me to dance to the beat of Your heart

teach me to love with a heart of compassion
teach me to trust in the word of Your promise
teach me to hope in the day of Your coming
teach me to dance to the beat of Your heart

You wrote the rhythm of life
created heaven and earth
in You is joy without measure
so like a child in Your sight
i dance to see Your delight
for i was made for Your pleasure
pleasure

let all my movements express
a heart that loves to say yes
a will that leaps to obey You
let all my energy blaze
to see the joy on Your face
let my whole being praise You
praise You


turn heads as you walk past

back from graduation ceremony. didn't feel like going out after, so came back lor. besides, the stupid heels were killing me. but at least i didn't fall down on stage haha.

grad ceremony wasn't sad at all. it was more of the last lessons that were sad. grad ceremony was just formal and grand. the lighting in the melbourne town hall is dim enough to make one blind. but that adds to the atmosphere, i guess.

so. today was full of last lessons. didn't do any work at all, just took photos and talked. okay did a bit of copying during chem.. but mainly photos. and cake during bio. and of course, bio coursework marks.

after line5 i came back to try clothes etc. and in the end CANNOT and NOTHING TO WEAR. i was freaking out. haha. so at 3pm i went out with linfang to find clothes. finally found something at myer basement. i hate shopping for clothes here because you simply can't find what you need/want.

rushed back to hostel and showered and changed and did hair and make up etc. haha. very very light make up in order to not appear like a ghost (like formal *ahem). and daixuan's earrings and sfc's cross pendant on leather cord, and of course, the dreaded heels (they were the only things which matched).

went downstairs and met angela carol jelline aiksern syahir etc, and we started walking to the town hall. (okay backtrack a bit. when i came out of my room, i saw sophie and called her. then out of the blue, syahir suddenly appeared and screamed when he saw me. hahaha he was worrying cos he didn't have a tie) took tram from somewhere.

took a while to find dr w and get seated by alphabetical order, but i eventually ended up between loyi and i-sen. okay most of the ceremony was really boring. organ music, receive the certs, take mentor group photo, watch other people get their certs, clap once in a while, choir performance, blah blah.

it kind of sucks to do well, but not well enough. there's always someone better than you. oh well. haha. congrats to syahir (bio and chem), kiddy (math A and math B), jocelyn (accounting) and teresa (music)! :)

after it was over, went around taking photos etc. no space haha. but well.

all in all, today was a rather eventful day of one lasts. the studying starts tomorrow, state lib at 10am! hahaha.

but i still couldn't stop thinking about it.
what would have been better than for you to have been there.
i want to tell you everything but that's holding me back.

kanesh smsed again. :) he said my life's so much more complicated now than how it was back in singapore. which is true i guess.

and and and!!

DADDY CALLED ME!!! :D during grad ceremony haha. well it was boring anyway so i just bent my head and talked to him. :)) YAYYYYY i finally talked to daddy after ages and ages!

and too much money spent today, i shall have to ration again sigh.

photos later i suppose, after i bathe and stuff.


persistance

i am just so tired. and this time it has nothing to do with school and/or sleep.

i know i'm not supposed to give up on you. but it's really very very draining to keep trying, when there's no response whatsoever. thank God for dt though, he probably saved my life. i was so ready to just hand the whole thing over to him. i guess that was his rightful place anyway. what was i doing in his position in the first place?

i hope it worked.

sis said, no friendship ever blossoms without pain and sadness.

for the first time in a long while, i feel like i really need to call someone to talk. but then i think, what would be the point when i can't tell them anything? of course there could only be one person. my KOR. who else would even bother listening to my illogical ramblings right? haha. my kor rocks too man. :)


we were meant to live for so much more

okay today was the last mentor group and last english lesson. whee~

woke up at 9am feeling refreshed. amazing. showered and went to state lib for about one hour, did two chem midyear structured sections.

"how did you know i was sitting here?"
*points to bag
"oh. okay."
now that would have been nice on a normal day, but of course, today you'd just tell me to go home.

during mentor we didn't really do much. we'll get our results and offers on 8 december, 5pm melb time (2pm singapore time by then), and a hard copy will be sent to our home address. so i wonder what will happen to those people who aren't at home when it's sent (for example, me). i wonder how long they hold the offers for you.

and friday's party is from 11am-1pm, we'll be getting our school mags (i wonder what's the point). but there will be food heh.

english lesson was quite. hmm. mrs b brought timtams and lammingtons and sweets for us. and jessica brought chips. sweet and savoury. haha. then we all just took photos randomly and with mrs b and she told us her love/life story. it was quite funny cos at first everyone was talking, but when eri and ai asked mrs b about her love life, the whole class became silent and everyone was listening. i bet she wished we'd be like that in normal lessons too, ha.

smell the 90...

just one photo, because i don't want to paste my face everywhere haha.



this is mrs b! (who is biased towards syahir and i)

after english i went to the state lib. 2.45pm, since english ended early. walked around upstairs first to spy. then found a seat downstairs beside some indian guy who borrowed my calc. redid some chem question and got the same wrong answer. sigh. did the revision worksheet (not the whole thing cos i couldn't be bothered with redox. i hate redox) and the 2004 bio paper. it was tough. crap. :\ i hope final isn't like that. marked the paper and walked around to spy again (someone disappeared, i wonder at what time), then came back.

actually i wanted to do more work, but.. sigh. hope i can do some tonight. but today is already considered productive compared to other days. see, it's cos there was only mentor and english today.

and i sent sebas "God bless the broken road" and "everything to me" haha.

state lib is actually an avenue of escape, i realised. escape from reality (other than studies) and escape from the single track replay of some (extremely irritating) chinese song, which i've listened to for MORE THAN 50 TIMES already.


taste and see

it's difficult when someone you care about is hurting, and you can't do anything to help. your words are opposed and even though you know it's true, it's sometimes difficult to believe it's more than just theory.

it isn't supposed to affect me as much as it is, though. you don't expect it either. but of course, things often don't happen the way we expect them to. and you know you can't do it on your own, so let go, and please be okay.

and once again, i struggle with why God lets people suffer in pain, with burdens far too heavy for their own shoulders, made even more so because they all come at the same time. before the fresh wound has healed, it's torn open again, how will it ever heal this way? but of course, we aren't meant to carry the load on our own shoulders, He's there to take it for us, if we let Him.

i can't talk to you, because i don't know how, and my words are inadequate. they merely glaze over the surface, nothing goes in. for everything i say, you have another line about life's circumstances that ground me. but i am still praying for you, i believe that you will be okay, with time. don't give up, He still has a plan to prosper you, to give you a hope and a future.

and here's a truly beautiful song. actually i saw it on eeli's blog, then yurong sent it to me. :)


everything to me
avalon

i grew up in sunday school
i memorised the golden rule
and how Jesus came to set the sinner free
i know the story inside out
i can tell you all about
the path that led Him up to calvary
but ask me why He loves me
and i don't know what to say
but i'll never be the same because
He changed my life when He became

everything to me
He's more than a story
more than words on a page of history
He's the air that i breathe
the water i thirst for
the ground beneath my feet
He's everything
everything to me

we're living in uncertain times
and more and more i find that i'm
aware of just how fragile life can be
i wanna tell the world i've found
a love that turned my life around
they need to know that they can taste and see
now everyday i'm praying
just to give my heart away
i want to live for Jesus
so that someone else might see
that He is

everything to me
He's more than a story
more than words on a page of history
He's the air that i breathe
the water i thirst for
and the ground beneath my feet
He's everything
everything to me

and looking back over my life at the end
i'll go meet You saying You've been
everything to me
You're more than a story
more than words on a page of history
You're everything to me
You're more than a story
more than words on a page of history
You're the air that i breathe
the water i thirst for
and the ground beneath my feet
You're everything to me
Lord, You're everything to me


i suppose these things happen all the time.
constant reminders that nobody is perfect.

someone please tell me how to explain paying taxes in chinese. my patience is running out. :\ right, and then you tell me what it is in chinese and ask me do i know. hello obviously i know i just don't know how to say it in chinese right. bleah.

eldon wanted to take photo with me during physics lesson heh. he says i always stare at him. where got?!

and sebas smsed haha. studying at hv with rong. baikazoid~ hahaha

SAM COME ONLINE LEH.

anyway i love this song from yurong! (yurong you rock, btw. :D thankyou!)

rooftops
lostprophets

when our time is up
when our lives are done
will we say we've had our fun

will we make a mark this time
will we always say we tried

standing on the rooftops
everybody scream your heart out
standing on the rooftops
everybody scream your heart out
standing on the rooftops
everybody scream your heart out
this is all we got now
everybody scream your heart out

all the love i've met
i have no regrets
if it all ends now, i'm set

will we make a mark this time
will we always say we tried

standing on the rooftops
everybody scream your heart out
standing on the rooftops
everybody scream your heart out
standing on the rooftops
everybody scream your heart out
this is all we got now
everybody scream your heart out

standing on the rooftops
wait until the bombs drop
this is all we got now
scream until your heart stops
never gonna regret
watching every sunset
we'll listen to your heartbeat
all the love that we found

scream your heart out


2.5 hours at the state library, twice as productive as yesterday, so it was good i guess. sometimes when you don't feel like mugging, it's as simple as just telling yourself to just do it. and then you do it, and hey, it's done. but sometimes no matter how much you tell yourself to do it, you just can't.

how do you even begin trying to convince someone that it's not the end of the world?


standing on the rooftop
screaming till your heart stops

sam got monash offer letter!! :D ahhhh so cool! haha.

and i got yurong's parcel today!! :D she sent me a spongebob towel and a cd with songs and vids! oh my gosh. the CME vids at long last! hahaha i was like laughing like a mad cow at my comp screen while watching the skits lah. still remember we didn't do ours. haha. oh man i so miss sec school.

and so that cancels out your words.

english coursework marks aren't bad, but syahir beat me, haha. oh well.

tomorrow we're having party during english also, with a cake and everything. :D

optimism!


i was about to sleep (since i was being rather unproductive), but then i just had to say this:

JASON CALLED ME!

oh my gosh! x)

it was quite comical at first cos i couldn't hear him properly. i think it was my phone, making it sound all garbled. but somehow i knew it was him! haha. okay that wasn't too hard to guess, considering, who calls me right? only kanesh and jason.

and we were both trying to tell each other to go online! cos cannot hear right. but actually he could hear me perfectly clearly. so weird.

haha so we talked online a bit. he said wanted to talk properly. as in you know, verbal. then i said skype, but his mum was there and he said very weird. haha. so in the end he called again! 6+mins, and it was cut off. see, calling my hp is too ex, but oh man. talking to jason leh! hahaha. that's very rare.

and i'm hoping and praying that it will overlap! i want to see. it's been too long.

heh and so this is how jason made my day! :D


and besides that..

happy birthday moyanna dinana!!

i couldn't find hot pink. :\ oh well. i still love you anyway, with or without hot pink! and mathew lim does too, i'm sure. :)


there will always be a million things, that you could never know.

i hate it when people blast music. HELLO. if i can't take it when i'm sitting off to the side, DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S DOING TO YOUR EARS, YOU WHO ARE SITTING RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE STUPID SPEAKER?!

besides, what's the point of blasting chinese music in your ears when you're trying to read an english book??

sigh, i'm learning from syahir. haha. i brought his newer roomie (alvin i think) up to 4th floor just now cos he left his key in the room. and he called andrew to fetch him up, but since i was there. just be nice. haha. ANDREW OWES ME $10.

"eh, $10!"
"are you charging me?"

talked to moyanna a bit just now! haha okay it was just a few lines.

yurong's countdown thing says 16 days?! okay i have 2 weeks exactly. i want to ______.

i don't think jean reads my blog. and she doesn't blog either. sigh. but still..

happy birthday jean!
i love you!

swept away by the storm. says:
whole world is a love letter
swept away by the storm. says:
therefore whole world is quite yummy.
swept away by the storm. says:
and whole world celebrates chinese new year

bad time to burn out.


soul set free in the one i love

i got good advice from kor last night.
don't use your heart too much.
for my heart and flesh will fail me, lead me astray. (emma's song)
it's nice to have a kor to take care of you and teach you important things! :)

anyway.

talked to chinghow last night on msn hahaha. it was quite funny. he says GP is smiaolly. like what on earth is smiaolly? :D and he said he might be coming to aust after NS! haha that would be cool. rong you have a perfect excuse to visit me! :D

and i found someone who reads chatlogs and sent msges too! haha. hopefully today will be a productive day. i mean i hope it was, so far at least.

and grad ceremony is just being irritating. why is everyone wearing dresses?! sighhh i don't know what to wear lah. die already.

and i got 133% for eng! ha. she did a typo lah, so disappointing, have to wait until tomorrow then can know my english coursework marks. bleah. and syahir won't tell me his until he finds out mine haha.

went to state lib for like 2 hours after school. did a bit of physics and a bit of chem, kept falling asleep, so i gave up in the end and came back. sigh.

we're influenced by the people around us, at least to a certain degree. so, is it positive or negative influence?


ten percent

was just thinking about how i don't study on sunday. and how i'm the only person i know who does that. except for mark and celeste and isaac, and army and daddy who don't work on sundays. daddy, who works like mad for the rest of the week and takes a much-deserved break on sunday.

why is it that till this day, i don't know anyone else who doesn't study on sundays? and why is it that everyone else tells me to study on sundays?

it's difficult to find someone who agrees with you in every respect. okay it's probably impossible. but some things are more important than others.

my principles, which other people are always trying to get me to break. forever and ever. some respect, please. especially you.

the ones about food are still okay. eating things like eel and raw salmon and veg (okay the veg isn't a principle. neither is unagi). thankfully though, i have not been asked to eat beef. because i won't. there's a difference between a cow and an orange fish.

sigh okay change the subject.

i'm glad you're more or less okay. really really. please let it last.

haha can hybridisation of fibrinogen be used to determine the link between the older hominid fossils and modern-day Homo sapiens? i said no because there's no blood in fossils. is it right?! haha.

and amy just smsed me about a mission trip to (somewhere in) malaysia when i go back. 24-27nov. right after A's haha, kind of the wrong time, but hmm. it's a mission trip. but then again, the kind of mission trips CHS organises.. weren't they all one-day trips? so what's happening with this one? i don't know. wonder if there's anything about it in the church bulletins auntie grace sends me.

i'm not gonna be able to go for next year's family camp. army and daddy are on the camp comm i think haha. it's gonna be in bintan (i think). crap. oh well.

AND i haven't talked to daddy in forever.

nike's ad is all about i. reminds me of how incredibly self-centred we all are.

and then i read jo (melb)'s blog, some entry from a long while ago. and she was like "f***ing" throughout the whole entry, about going to school. and i was wondering, why did you come to melbourne in the first place?

it's good in a way that this coming week's a week2, but in a way it's not good also. one lesson, but it's english. if only it was math. or bio. actually anything would be better than english. but i guess there's always the bio party to make up for it. and one lesson is a lot better than four, i guess.

i feel like a nomad. and i'm not even going to be able to sleep in my own room, on my own bed when i go home, it's like being a guest in your own house. how wonderful, isn't it?

i think it will be tiring, year-end travelling. i think the 7hr20min flight home will see me sleeping and sleeping. i want the window seat.

oh oh oh! i went one step further with veg today, i cooked it! ahaha. linfang went out to buy some tomato paste thing and forced me to cook it. so i just did whatever i saw her do last time. haha. and we baked a cake today. it was amazingly tasteless haha. in the end we ate it with peaches and strawberries. how cool is that? hahaha okay we're both a bit weird.

and optus loves me, they keep telling me i have $10 credit left even after i send smses. does that mean it will never run out? haha. if it doesn't then i'm not gonna recharge. haha and some more someone was offering me his/her number to use in case hor.

people are going into army next year, how sad. i mean, seriously.

yurong! my classes are multiracial too. :D and by that i mean: people from singapore, malaysia, indonesia, hongkong, china, taiwan, macau, japan, korea, vietnam, some arabic country etc etc. haha.

and some health freak told me this:
please put the toilet seat cover down when you flush because studies have shown that the flushing causes the bacteria from your *ahem* waste to vaporise (??) and fly all around and land everywhere and rapidly reproduce. (everywhere includes your toothbrush btw) and therefore, you should lower the toilet seat cover when you flush.

oh yeah and benzene causes cancer!!

okay that's all goodnight take care rest well. the best time to sleep is from 11pm-3am, it doesn't help to sleep in. SO WHY AM I AWAKE NOW. sigh.





faith keep me strong, love lead me on.

now that is worth more than a million words. one month to go, i really can't wait. it's bubbling up inside me, yet i know that when the day comes, there will be reasons why i don't want to go back. it all depends on the day.

when you finally get the chance to leave, you find a reason to stay.

everybody should try cadbury eden chocolate, it's ten times nicer than normal cadbury choc. :) worth every cent. and now i have a teabag of organic ceylon tea to keep and smell.

cook for me next year please.

love is an endless act of forgiveness, a tender look that becomes a habit.

dear God,
thank You for today.
please let tomorrow go okay,
grant them peace, at long last.
in Jesus' name,
Amen.

because the freedom we know is gonna last forever

did one math paper. :) 3hr15mins of work! haha yeah right. with all the "no longer on the course" questions, that hardly leaves anything to do.

i wonder if it's healthy to keep reliving certain memories. they're happy ones, but it's been so long, and we haven't done anything about it, and for all we know, we could've been erased from their memories once the next group came along. they would've been sec4s after all, the same as us then, the right age to be able to click with the kids.

supposed to write something, but i'm too tired, so i'll write it tomorrow (if at all).

read something that made me think a lot. appreciation. sometimes it's difficult to see beneath friendships.

"well we're never really okay. we're just handling it."

i worry that i've lost touch with the simple things. i don't know what joy is, i don't know what being angry is. but i smile when i feel the sun on my face, when i breathe in fresh air that doesn't have any trace of cigarette smoke, or exhaust fumes.

my source of strength
my source of hope
is Christ alone

i wonder if you're disappointed in me.


friday the thirteenth

photos on kevin's blog! oh man. but it was nice to see everybody again. :) and sebas blog until so sad.


holy is the Lord
chris tomlin

we stand and lift up our hands
for the joy of the Lord is our strength
we bow down and worship Him now
how great, how awesome is He
and together we sing
everyone sing

holy is the Lord God Almighty
the earth is filled with His glory
holy is the Lord God Almighty
the earth is filled with His glory

it is rising up all around
it's the anthem of the Lord's renown
it is rising up all around
it's the anthem of the Lord's renown


it's not overrated.


went to the state lib twice today, but not to study. went during line7 break, walked around the barry redmond reading room, not there. went upstairs to walk around, and i still thought not there. but in the end i decided to walk a full round and found him sleeping there haha. okay then he woke up. didn't pass him the pumice in the end cos it was too scary. haha.

went for english, was almost late. but that's cos i only left the state lib at 2.15pm. and rushed up the stairs so yeah just nice 2.25pm.

played some gambling game for english, we didn't win, but oh well. interesting combi of people in my group, the bertrandes. haha. and before the game we had a little quiz, which was quite funny because i found out that so many people can't even spell the names of characters properly. and 'commitment', which is the theme we've been studying for ages! heh. okay but learnt a few things also lah. which was good.

went to melb central to help linfang sign up for her mobile phone etc. it took forever. had to go back to hostel to get passport and bank statement etc also. but finally, we got everything done.

then went back to state lib and passed the pumice (with the outer plastic removed), then looked through some evolution book and walked to arrow. waited for a bit, then walked around a long cut (the opposite of short cut) and back to hostel.

brought linfang to chinatown for dinner cos it's her birthday today. red silks. :) okay but dessert house is five million times better. just that it was too crowded. besides, she'd already had lunch there.

and on sunday, we're going to bake a cake. hahaha. i wonder how it'll turn out. because this sunday i'm not occupied (except for church), but that's quite sad in itself. oh well. it has got to be a million times worse for you.

i am now exhausted, think i will go and sleep at like 10pm. okay need to bathe first. oh man i was supposed to study 3-4 hours bleah. see how. :\


when it's hot you want it cold,
when it's cold you want it hot.
the grass is always greener on the other side.

today was an amazingly hot day. so hot that you can feel the sun's rays seeping into your skin, and you marvel at how something so far away can produce so much heat that it feels like it's cooking you. but it was cold inside school anyway, so it wasn't too bad.

math- functions
physics- 2003 final paper
line3- read the scribbled notebooks
bio- human evolution + fossil pract
chem- organic chem
english- note-form summary + paragraph summary

i borrowed the bonesetter's daughter. i think it's very different from the usual books i read.

after school went to buy the pumice thing at big W. then came back and ate some noodley thing. then went state lib to mug. supposedly. was quite sleepy (3+ hours of sleep last night), but in the end still okay lor i guess.

finished the math summary study guide (except the optional maxima & minima questions, cos those are killers, and i'd rather wait until another day), went through the MCQs of the evolution study guide and a few structured questions, finished (all i know of) physics 2003 final paper.

walked back and it was still hot.

went down to ground floor to collect my bio notes from loyi.

oh, got my term3 report today. it isn't pretty because of mrs b's comments lah. sigh "..which is a great shame." :( but she doesn't know that my answers are wrong, because i don't say them out (which is what she wants me to do, but i don't because they're wrong) and it's a cycle, really. other than that, the report was alright. dr w's remarks looked suspiciously like the midyr remarks though haha.

mr skinner wrote for syahir:
"... appalling attendance.."
:D hahaha. 16 classes missed leh. haha :D

oh and i found out that i will only be able to recharge my optus sim card on monday. because that will leave me with exactly one month, so i won't need to recharge again before going home. same for stalker. $11.24 for three days! but actually should be okay lah.

today was the last day of school for everyone else eh. oh well i have one week left. ONE WEEK. until graduation. which reminds me that i still have nothing to wear.


pencilled scribbles
yeah, 1001 now.

happy birthday xiex!
love.

you know, when i said koney bought me krispy kreme, i sincerely thought she'd gotten me one doughnut. i'd have been happy enough with just one. but. she got me a whole box! oh my. that means TWELVE doughnuts!! :D whee~

shared with linfang and gave a few to loyi, ivan and his gf. went up to loyi's room to hear him play qingtian on his friend's guitar. he's surprisingly good, considering he took 3 days to learn it. haha. ended up watching a bit of bleach and naruto and jaychou (inevitable when visiting loyi). yup then started talking about a lot of stuff. everything since june hols until now, cos that's how long we haven't been talking. as in, talking properly, since he ditched me in an attempt to _____________.

so. yeah, talked about a lot of stuff. from interview to friends. it was a much-needed conversation i guess. which is why i didn't mind it being extended until like 2.40am. towards the end we were studying bio anyway, which is good for him. he says he shouldn't have ________________. i couldn't help but remember the way things were before. when everyone was doing well.

he said people are calling me crazy, because i'm almost always studying. even going to the library alone. but hey, it's okay with me. they can go ahead and waste their money and lives clubbing, indulging in ______ relationships, drinking, smoking, killing themselves and flushing their grades down the drain, but i know where i'm headed and i want to reach that goal. it doesn't really matter what they say. i'm almost immune, i've survived this far, what can a mere 30+ days do to me now? hardened.

studying bio and poring over all the fossil evidence made things more confusing. i really want to know, what your stand is on this whole evolution thing.

and i'm running out of credit! $11.59 to last me until saturday, wonder if it'll make it? haha. ian offered to stay back on friday and i could get it from him at caulfield, but i don't really want to go all the way there. (he's helping me get the recharge thing cos it's cheaper at monash) i suppose i should get the pumice. and ration my handphone usage! otherwise i'll be creditless by tomorrow.

way past bedtime, i wonder how i will survive school tomorrow. yet another day of not studying? rahhh. but that conversation was one that had waited too long already, so i'm not complaining. :)

goodnight! :)


1000th post!! :D
one millenium.

happy birthday huiru!
love.

today turned out better than expected, because:
- koney bought me KRISPY KREME
- sebas blogged here after endless nagging
- kanesh smsed (thanks a million!)
- it's huiru's birthday (:
- someone called me a silent assassin

only after an hour of math did i realise that today was a long day. as in longer lessons. rahh. and he only gave us 3 questions so that was all i did. in 1hr15min. oh my gosh. i was just too tired.

physics was slightly better. continued doing past year papers. koney went to ask dr w questions we couldn't do, then she'd pass me the paper. haha. i don't like asking him questions cos he always gives me a look that says he thinks i'm stupid or something. okay that was a long while ago.

line 3 went back to hostel because i was too tired to do work. see, school just drains all my energy away. so DRAINING.

bio was boring. okay it wasn't really, but a bit lah. even so, the evolution syllabus here is twenty times more interesting that the A level syllabus. human evolution is cool even though i don't really know what to believe sometimes. and the test was postponed to friday! yay! but other classes are having it tomorrow, haha. so sad.

did mr sonsie's worksheets again for chem. energy, galvanic cells, electrolytic cells. a bit confusing because i don't know why she had to bubble Br2 gas into the half cell. :
went back to hostel to dump books, then went to state lib to study. walked all around the barry redmond reading room once downstairs and half upstairs and once in the art reading room, then gave up cos it was obviously full. but before that i spied someone at my zone1 spot! haha tendency to go back to where you did stuff once before, i guess. i went up to the la trobe reading room (squeaky room), but didn't sit at the usual place. okay maybe there wasn't a usual place. but the room is huge and round and it's too difficult to find usual places when you study there. you just try to find a chair that's high enough.

it was a bit stupid to be smsing someone who was just like half a floor and 100m away from you i guess. not to mention a waste of money! but ah well. to make up for not going to say hi i guess. i tried to be honest, that's what you wanted. anyway. i really hope you aren't banned from the exam, and that everything works out.

optimism.

and big W has pumice too, you know. sigh.

it amazes me sometimes to know that guys can have such close brotherly friendships.

anyway i studied evolution today. everything except the questions in the revision study guide. i'll do that tomorrow so it'll be fresher in my mind. so many different species, i don't know if we're supposed to remember all their names. i still like lucy the most haha. although she was really weird. she brachiated lah. doesn't that mean she was a monkey? haha.

we're having a party in bio class next thursday! :D because that's the last day of school. haha. mrs richards is a really nice teacher lah. and those in her mentor group get to have TWO parties! because she's celebrating in mentor group too. i want to sneak in there after dr w's done with us. haha.

sometimes it's as if people try to cover up a misunderstanding by acting normal. it seems as if nothing happened in the first place, and you try to figure it out, because you didn't deal with it, it's still there under the surface, waiting to break out again. then you think that the person is wrong in (what you take to be) simply brushing the issue aside. but then you turn around and you look through the person's eyes and you see that he/she didn't mean to at all, that it simply wasn't a big enough deal for the person. he/she thought it was nothing, he/she wasn't trying to cover up.

sometimes, it's better not to read fine print.

anyway THANK YOU EVERYBODY. :)

the whole world is a love letter from God.


it's unfair for someone else to suffer the implications of your words or actions.

today has been a rather blah day. school. uncle ho dropped by to try to fix the netphone, but to no avail. i told you it was dead. grocery shopping at chinatown. still no mood to study.

finished angels and demons though. the way dan brown twists the story is quite scary. and all the ambigrams remind me of caleb lim. it amazes me that people can create things like that.

compared aust/singapore/china money. aust coins are ridiculously big and heavy, singapore coins look like little things compared to them.

kanesh msged today haha. that means he can see!

from syahir's blog:
All in all, today was extremely tiring, yet very much a fun-filled day. I got to make Fawn skip school for the 1st time what!
haha i resent that! he didn't make me do anything. no one wanted to go back for english. it is, after all, english.

MRS RICHARDS IS GOING TO PUT HIM UP FOR THE BIOLOGY PRIZE. hahaha now wasn't that already obvious. :D

i forgot that there's a bio test on thursday. yeah i am going to flunk that at the rate i'm going. all i know is opposable thumbs, bipedalism, s-shaped spine, dunnowhat bone at an angle, stereoscopic vision, big brain, arched foot.. okay i don't know anything else about human evolution, much less Australopithecus afarensis (lucy) or whatever else. lucy was weird anyway. half ape half human. i don't know where all this leads to, because fossils are kind of like proof as to what existed before, right? and what did God make us like? blah i should go study but i can't, exhausted, want to sleep, i'll study tomorrow, i hope. state lib.

from zy's msn nick:
once bitten, twice shy. twice bitten, bite back!

if this thing isn't sorted out soon, i am just going to flunk my finals. seriously.


dear God,
i pray that we'll be okay,
that we will come out stronger.
in Jesus' name,
Amen.


talked to sis! thank God for her.

you wonder if it's worth it. the stupid little things that render me unable to study. just like the whole of today.

the unlikelihood of it being true. there are times i know you don't tell me the whole story, but i don't go questioning your integrity. but deep down i know it's not your fault, you're going through a tougher time. maybe you're just unable to express it the way most people do. just like how i can't.

no friendship ever blossoms without tears and sadness.
but i don't think that's entirely true.

oh man kanesh just called. i was like in shock when i heard his voice. haha. then his calling card ran out of money, so he asked me to call him for 5 mins. yeah we ended up talking for another half an hour. but it was good. it's been a long while since i last talked to him. too long. and even though he always mainly makes fun of me, it still makes me laugh. :) which was especially needed tonight. thank you kanesh! :)

together peiyu and kanesh just made my day happier. :) i have to try to stop thinking so much and study properly tomorrow.

and sebas blogged about acronyms. haha. dwytd, wa, I CANNOT REMEMBER ALREADY. but i know got some in chinese one. haha. oh well those days are long gone. everything changes in the blink of an eye. and please lor i don't whine that much. it's not my fault you always ask me to call at ridiculous times and then end up spying friendster right.

thank God for truffles.


asphyxiation;

talked to you and then went to flagstaff because i felt suffocated. honestly i didn't think it was wrong. and you see, it works backwards, it backfires, because that just means i clam up more. watched half a sunset, then went to sit on the swing. there was this border collie puppy who kept bounding up to people and then madly dashed away. it ran up to me and jumped up and put its paws on me, then ran away. thought a bit, but my mind couldn't process the thoughts properly. a million things whizzing around in my head, but i wasn't thinking, you know. they were just all forming this huge tangle in my head. it couldn't be untangled. you see, i told you it would become weird. i told you the only thing i wanted was for it not to become weird. but of course it isn't your fault. being direct isn't wrong. wanting to help isn't wrong. wanting honesty isn't wrong. you're not wrong. so it's all me.


because of you i learnt to play on the safe side so i won't get hurt

went to the melbourne zoo today! :D

heh okay it started off as a normal day. woke up at 7.10am, went to school for math. there were less than 10 people in class. haha. then went downstairs to meet mrs richards and everyone else. walked to william street and took tram 55 towards west coburg. and it brought us to the zoo. :)

waited a while for the rest of the people to come. then finally went inside. the weather was really good today. :) the sun was warm, but the air was cold. oh man it was good. :)

had a lesson in some room while sitting on the floor. fingered skulls of cheetahs, seals, ring-tailed lemurs, mandrills, chimpanzees, and a human. quite cool. primates have bone all round their eye orbits. then we put them in order of evolution. then we looked at some monkey called furgal, who refused to wake up even after scott (the zoo guide) called him like a million times.

went into another room and scott took a king snake out. i wanted to hold it haha. so cute. :D then went around the zoo looking at western lowland gorillas, hamadryas baboons, tamarins, white-cheeked gibbons, lemurs etc. and filled out our pract sheets. ecological niche, limb length, opposable thumbs, opposable toes, whether or not they brachiate, sexual dimorphism, group size, communication. one tamarin was super cute lah. it came out to the front and showed us all the stuff we were talking about. like when we were talking about nails/claws, it stuck its hand out to show us. haha. so cute! :D

then after that we were free to walk around. so dilys koney angela jelline syahir and i went to walk around and look at the other animals. tawny frogmouth, coati (so cute haha), peccaries (wild pigs), australia's native animals (kangaroos, emus, wombats, echidnas, koalas, other small little things but i forgot their names), birds (herons, white-headed pigeons, blue-beaked ducks, finches, peaceful doves, blahblah birds are quite boring in general), red pandas, giraffes, giant tortoises, platypus (there was only one and it kept swimming around in circles so we said it was a robot), lions, bear, snow leopard (so pretty!), puma, fishing cat, bobcat, meerkats (super photogenic little things!), pygmy hippos (bigger than singapore's).

the mandai zoo has more kangaroos than the melbourne zoo, how ironic. and i wanted to see the penguins and otters lah. but in the end everyone was too tired and we went to the zoo shop and then got on tram 55 and headed back to the city. stopped at school and went to our lockers, being careful to avoid room 7.02 because we skipped english (it was a conspiracy).

was super tired so i came back.

and here are some random photos in some random order:

koney, syahir, jelline, angela hidden behind syahir

awww so cuteeee meerkat! :D

hehe*

a_____ giant tortoise

an emu.
ostriches really don't stick their heads in the ground ah?

two green snakes. the lighter one's younger.

lions. they don't have lionesses, not even one.

he's sticking his tongue out lah. okay maybe she.

i don't know what this is. but it's super cute anyway. :D

peccaries

echidna!

cassowari

and once again, i say amen, and it's still raining.

i am such a spoiler. a perfectly good day. and i had to ruin it. i am so brilliant.

:(

went to the squashed insect place at 11.45am (around there). inside-out colours. it was a bit weird. black+white. shoes instead of slippers. oporto's for lunch, stained white jacket. read/studied a bit at QV, but it was too cold. went to state lib. no space in the barry redmond reading room, so we went to squeaky room (la trobe reading room). read angels and demons. listened to ipod while someone tried to spy on photos and invade my privacy again. and played games i didn't know existed. coil the cable up. walked to priceline on bourke street but it was closed by then. stopped by a duty-free shop to look at watches and cameras. bought nonsense food from the food court place in melb central. went to church. the worship leader was off-key, made it a bit hard. the guest speaker was good, but the way he sang was also a bit weird. so different from the way he talked. poke my fat stomach. tram to lygon. stopped halfway at arrow. i don't know if it was anger. felt so bad after that. i wasn't still fuming. dinner at papa gino's. gino's special pizza + carbonara. walk walk walk. back.

i'm sorry. :(


before the world began

before the world began
you were on His mind
and every tear you cry
is precious in His eyes
because of His great love
He gave His only Son
everything was done
so you would come

nothing you can do
could make Him love you more
and nothing that you've done
could make Him close the door
because of His great love
He gave His only Son
everything was done
so you would come

come to the Father
though your gift is small
broken hearts, broken lives
He will take them all
the power of the word
the power of His blood
everything was done
so you would come