It Is Time...

Wow... it's been more than a year since my last entry. I guess when I don't have anyone else to share it with (I do, actually... but I just wanted to type this out here), I turn to cyberspace, because out here, I can be anyone, I can be anything.

Mel, thanks for telling me you just found yourself a beau. While I'm feeling a mix inside, I hope you'll believe me when I say I am sincerely happy for you, because you're a great girl and you deserve a great guy. So yep! Congratulations, and may this relationship be your last one, and may GOD bless you with everything a relationship could be blessed with.

As for me, I guess this is a wake-up call to get my ass moving. She's moved on. Why should I keep holding on, right? No matter how great the past has been, it is just that... history. And history always teaches us lessons.

When you told me, Mel, I actually didn't feel a thing. I wonder now if it was because of the unexpectedness of it, or the shock I got... or both. But as I pondered and thought about it, I begin to feel like there's something rising up my throat, and if I let it rise some more, I'm just gonna break down and cry. I'm gonna be a huge wreck, and it will probably last for a few days... or weeks. So I swallowed the proverbial hard pill, which is in fact, that "something that is trying to rise up". I have to make sure I don't become a wreck. I don't want to, and also because I can't afford to right now. I need to do 2 videos for Tiffany's wedding. I need to take a video for Timothy's wedding. I need to take photos on Tim's actual day. I'm gonna be attending a workshop at work next week. I'm gonna be changing jobs at the end of the year. And most importantly, I just agreed to taking up the post of Young Adults Ministry Coordinator in church. If I allow myself to break down now, I will be letting so many people down. I will be letting GOD down because I would not be able to serve HIM wholeheartedly. So no... I can't crack.

Since I got to know about it, until this morning, I catch myself in a daze once too often. I do things halfway and I pause, and I don't know what goes through my head. I need to get out of this pit. But I really do wonder what is this "you're still very special to me" thing. How does it work? In my case, you ARE still very special to me because I still love you, and I'll do anything if anything could get us back together. But you explicitly said before that there's nothing right now, and you'd much rather we be good friends, just as we have been for the 3 years since we broke up. I can't say no to that, can I? Between remaining as good friends and not being friends at all, remaining as good friends will at least allow me near you, where I longed to be.

It's funny how things turn out. JUST before you broke the news to me, I was just telling Jun that I wonder how you know you're already over me, as I'm obviously not over you. And a couple of days back, I also mentioned to Jun that I have decided to give myself a timeline to get over you and move on emotionally, and that timeline is till the end of this year, 2011. Well, I was told it was abit ambitious, seeing as how it's already been 3 years and I'm still not letting go. But still, it was a start. They say GOD has a wicked sense of humour. I can definitely see it here. Because I get my answers just from you telling me that. You know you're over me when you fall in love with another guy. And because of that, I guess I have no choice but to let you go now... which kinda allows me to attain my goal of getting over you by the end of this year.

Guess I have nothing more to say about this, except to really wish you well in your relationship. So once again, congrats to you, and may your love for each other burn intensely, for always. =)

I love you Mel. And there will always be that little part of me that will always love you, even when I have eventually moved on.

Let Me Sleep

I can't sleep. One of the rare times that I actually can't sleep. I've been trying to sleep for 3h. Worse still is the fact that I have to get up at 6am tmr. Stupid In-Camp Training (ICT) that's gonna last the whole week. Hai... what a waste of time.

So it was too hot and I can't sleep... so I went out and strolled along the corridors of my block, up on the 11th and 12th floor where I imagined there would be abit more breeze. And there was! And it was nice just staring out at the night and the lights and having cool air blow over me.

And then I guess I just started thinking about the past... again... 

Cool air, at night, alone... *si-i-i-igh*

Anyways, I don't wish to elaborate. I'll end once again, with a song. I like this song... And this song was from wa-a-ay past, from one of my almost-romance. Heh... And perhaps it was good that it remained an almost-romance, coz she's now happily married to a great guy, and I wish them all the best! =D Still, this song can apply to anyone, so it's definitely not this girl from this almost-romance...

"Let me sleep,

For when I sleep

I dream that you are here.

You're mine,

And all my fears are left behind.

I float on air,

The nightingale sings gentle lullabies,

So let me close my eyes and sleep.

A chance to dream,

So I can see the face I long to touch, to kiss,

But only dreams can bring me this,

So let the moon shine softly

On the boy I long to see,

And maybe when he dreams,

He'll dream of me.

Up high beneath the clouds,

I'd whisper to the evening star.

They tell me love is just a dream away...

I'll dream away..."

-Kirsten Dunst: Dream Of Me

The Past Haunts Like Crazy

Not sure if any of you still come here anymore. But if you do, I trust that you can keep this hush-hush.

My sister broke up with her boyfriend recently... and she's really down in the dumps 'bout this. This morning, she woke me up crying so badly... Said her ex is already in a relationship with someone else, even though he said that he wouldn't get into one when he's out there, overseas. Prior to that, they broke up due to some issues with his ex. Apparently he still has feelings for her... and though it was painful, it's kinda like a mutual break-up, coz he wants to think things through. But shortly after, there was this other girl in the picture. And now it seems they're together, and everyone is happy, including his ex. And my sis only found out about it via Facebook when his relationship status changed with the new girl.

Needless to say, devastation set in. And she was crying for about an hour or so before I had a stomachache and she needed to head to work.

All this while, as I listened, I felt a mix of emotions in me. I hated the guy for this, but realized that not too many years ago, I was almost exactly like that... It was almost identical the way the scenarios played out. And though I've always known how badly it hurt Esther, seeing my sister cry like this brings me back to how Esther must've cried her eyes out wondering why, wondering how...

The past is indeed a haunting presence in my mind... is it not in everyone's?

I think I need to meet Esther and apologize. It's been too long... what, 4 years? I think I owe her too much. I just hope that she can find it in her heart to forgive my hurting her so deeply. =( Thinking about it aches my heart... if I could turn back the hands of time...

*sigh*

Loving You

Does anyone even come here anymore?

Here I am, up since 4+am, unable to sleep. I was beginning to wonder why I couldn't fall back to sleep. Was it that instant noodles I had at 1am? Perhaps...

And then slowly, I start to think of you. It's been so long since I thought of you. While the intensity isn't the same, the feeling is. I begin to think of the times we spent so happily together. I remember piggybacking you all the way home. I remember kissing you in the middle of the cross-junction. I remember just simply holding your hand was enough to keep me smiling all the way.

Do you miss me? Think of me now and then? Coz I sure miss you lots...

And all the more I can't sleep...

Well, Simin, if you're reading this post, here's another very apt song from my seemingly database brain of songs. Haha!

"Loving you is easy 'cause you're beautiful,

And making love with you is all I wanna do.

Loving you is more than just a dream come true,

And everything that I do, is out of loving you.

No-one else can make me feel the colors that you bring.

Stay with me while we grow old and we will live each day in springtime.

'Cause loving you has made my life so beautiful,

And everyday of my life is filled with loving you.

Loving you, I see your soul come shining through,

And everytime that we, ooh...

I'm more in love with you.

No-one else can make me feel the colors that you bring,

Stay with me while we grow old and we will live each day in springtime.

'Cause loving you is easy 'cause you're beautiful,

And every day of my life is filled with loving you.

Loving you, I see your soul come shining through,

And everytime that we, ooh...

I'm more in love with you..."

- Minnie Ripperton: Loving You

长大了...

“春天是她最爱的季节。
当微风随意吹乱她的头发，
她并不在意身边世界的吵杂，
只想着自己生命中的变化。

还有十五分钟才午休，
从早到晚没有想像中那么好过！
安定的日子不一定就是幸福，
忘不掉她在心里做过的梦！

她今年农历三月六号刚满二十二，
刚甩掉课本要离开家看看这世界，
却发现许多烦恼要面对。
Oh yeah...
她常会想望能回到那年他一十二，
只需要好好上学生活单纯没忧愁！
她就像一朵蓓蕾满怀希望。

秋天是忽然间就来临，
青春虽然有本钱可以洒脱，
一场恋爱二十二个月后结束，
才知道有些感情不值得赌。

九月天气还是有点热，
她想公车再不来就走一走路。
她开始明白等待未必有结果，
一个人也能走上梦的旅途。

她今年农历三月六号刚满二十二，
刚甩掉课本要离开家看看这世界，
却发现许多烦恼要面对。
Oh yeah...
她常会想望能回到那年他一十二，
只需要好好上学生活单纯没忧愁，
她一直满怀希望…

人生偶尔会走上一条陌路，
像是没有指标的地图。
别让他们说你该知足，
只有你知道什么是你的幸福！

她常会想望能回到那年她一十二，
只需要好好上学生活单纯没忧愁！
她笑着想过未来，
Oh,她应该得到幸福。
如此的简单的梦，
有没有实现？”

-陶喆：二十二

我是否想过那么多？长大后的忧愁的确很不同，有时还真的很怕人。多么希望可以永远做个小孩，一十二岁，最多PSLE而已，那么容易。但人生的确偶尔会走上陌路，像是没有指标的地图。但有身边的好朋友陪你度过，有天上的父亲引着你走，人生的路虽然没有指标，生活还是能够充满喜乐和满足感。

=D

好想谈恋爱？

“没人发现我在失眠。
我说我快疯了，
不奢求有人会听见。
哭泣让我感到疲倦。
快乐听来遥远，
总努力扮演失败的笑脸。
没有爱情并无所谓。
我想这是幸福的人们发明的论点！
常常寂寞太过尖锐，
让人无法坦白
渴望被溺爱的滋味！
想到一个人，想到不能吃不能睡。
相信他，又害怕他会消失不见。
女人是最不要自由的灵魂，
男人却为它游荡在每一夜。

好想谈恋爱！
不管那个人会是谁!
让我愤怒的孤独任性撒野，
悲伤时有人陪。

好想谈恋爱!
为他不争气的流泪.
即使受伤也要轰轰烈烈，
有他疼不怕黑。”

范晓萱：好想谈恋爱


有时候，就是有这种感觉，尤其是当看到每个人都有伴时，不禁想起自己的另一半会在哪里。多么思念有人爱的感觉。
咳！
我够成熟，担当这责任吗？

三更半夜落泪的我

有人曾说过，我的生活过得很浪漫主义。不愁吃，不愁穿，不愁业，不愁生。Happy-go-lucky, they call it. 不脚踏实地，不谨慎，随风而去，像落下的叶子似的。如今我生活还是这个样子，无忧无虑的。有时候，如今晚一样，我会忽然想起过去的日子：是否因为我这样的过活，让你觉得好没有安全感，所以选择离开？*咳* 真是的。

每当我想起那快乐的时光时，还是依依不舍，还是很挂念。是人都会想：如果今日会这样，那当初的在一起到底对我们有什么影响？让我们学了什么？为什么容许这短暂的感情呢？

可能不一定要学到很多。我只知道目前的我还不够成熟，还很自私，很不为别人着想，没远见。

我还不想面对现实。我还要游山玩水，要享受人生，要自由自在。Free-spirited, carefree, without a care in the world... 我想我是这样的人吧。其实这样也好嘛。没有负担，不拖人下水，我行我素。

但是，为什么时常会有那种空虚的感觉？好像生命中少了一个谁…那个谁，又好像只能想到你。

想到你，眼泪就不知不觉地往下流了…

Have You Ever?

Felt like you need a hug from someone you love?

Felt like your heart's tearing apart?

Felt really really heavy-hearted?

Felt like there's no one who can understand what you're going through, because even though circumstances may seem the same, feelings aren't...

I feel so empty sometimes... so... alone. You know that feeling? You're amidst a thousand people, and you laugh and talk and complain about the weather and wonder about where to go for lunch, and you spend a wonderful day out with people you love, but at the end when you go home, it's just an empty, hollow feeling... empty yet heavy.

有没有人让我抱一下？ =(

"Sometimes it's wrong to walk away, though you think it's over,
Knowing there's so much more to say.
Suddenly the moment's gone
And all your dreams are upside down,
And you just wanna change the way the world goes round.

Tell me, have you ever loved and lost somebody?
Wished there was a chance to say I'm sorry.
Can't you see, that's the way I feel about you and me, Baby.
Have you ever felt your heart was breaking?
Lookin' down the road you should be taking.
I should know, cos I loved and lost, the day I let you go.

Can't help but think that this is wrong, we should be together,
Back in your arms where I belong.
Now I've finally realised it was forever that I've found,
I'd give it all to change the way the world goes round.

Tell me, have you ever loved and lost somebody?
Wished there was a chance to say I'm sorry.
Can't you see, that's the way I feel about you and me, Baby.
Have you ever felt your heart was breaking?
Lookin' down the road you should be taking.
I should know, cos I loved and lost, the day I let you go.

 
I really wanna hear you say that you know just how it feels.
To have it all and let it slip away, can't you see?
Even though the moment's gone, I'm still holding on somehow
Wishing I could change the way the world goes round.

Tell me, have you ever loved and lost somebody?
Wished there was a chance to say I'm sorry.
Can't you see, that's the way I feel about you and me, Baby.
Have you ever felt your heart was breaking?
Lookin' down the road you should be taking.
I should know, cos I loved and lost, the day I let you go."

S Club 7: Have You Ever 

Waiting...

I just love 蔡琴的歌！So... sings of what the heart feels... =)

“山又高呀水又急，
你在东来我在西。
山把我们分，水把我们离，
我只有天天等着你。

海无边呀洋无底，
你在东来我在西。
海把我们分，洋把我们离，
我只有天天等着你。

你是沙来我是泥，
我们俩生就在一起。
我是胶来你是漆，
我们俩分开不容易。

我重情呀，你重义，
你不抛来我不弃。
山也不能分，海也不能离，
我总有一天等到你。”

蔡琴：总有一天等到你

I'll Miss You

2 pieces of me flew away today, to where my heart longs to fly to too... 

I'll miss you, and you too... Wish we could've spent more time together, but we all gotta live our lives I guess. And right now, our lives are just too different.

Well, here's wishing you a wonderful wonderful year ahead. May you continue to serve GOD, and may your lives be a daily worship and a testimony to GOD's love, providence, guidance and mercy. And when you come back, we'll spend some good times together again!

Emo songs aren't really helpful now, yet are so very appropriate. =)

Take care over there!

“忘不了，忘不了！

忘不了你的错，
忘不了你的好。

忘不了雨中的散步，
也忘不了那风里的拥抱。

忘不了，忘不了！

忘不了你的泪，
忘不了你的笑。

忘不了夜落的惆怅，
也忘不了那花开的烦恼。

寂寞的长巷，而今斜月清照。
冷落的秋千，而今迎风轻摇。
它重复你的叮咛，一声声忘了，忘了。
它低诉我的衷曲，一声声难了，难了。

忘不了，忘不了！

忘不了春已尽，
忘不了花已老。

忘不了离别的滋味，

也忘不了那相思的苦恼。” 

蔡琴：忘不了

为什么这样子？

“為 什 麼 要 對 你 掉 眼 淚？

你 難 道 不 明 白 為 了 愛？

只 有 那 有 情 人 ，眼 淚 最 珍 貴。

一 顆 顆 眼 淚 都 是 愛， 都 是 愛。

為 什 麼 要 對 你 掉 眼 淚？

你 難 道 不 明 白 為 了 愛？

要 不 是 有 情 郎 跟 我 要 分 開，

我 眼 淚 不 會 掉 下 來 ，掉 下 來。

好 春 纔 來 春 花 正 開，

你 怎 捨 得 說 再 會？

我 在 深 閨 望 穿 秋 水，

你 不 要 忘 了 我 情 深 ，深 如 海！

為 什 麼 要 對 你 掉 眼 淚？

你 難 道 不 明 白 為 了 愛？

要 不 是 有 情 郎 跟 我 要 分 開，

我 眼 淚 不 會 掉 下 來 ，掉下 來。”

-蔡琴：情人的眼泪



其实，我只是要有人爱我。

你知道什么叫“心如刀割”吗？

There Goes the Weekend!

I had a really wonderful weekend, and I thank GOD for this break in the monotone of working in a bank.


Saturday morning was Bible Study in church, and it was good because there was depth in the discussion, and there were doubts raised and addressed, and there were arguments that resulted in better understanding of GOD's word. Nice! Following that, the BS people had lunch together, and then some of us left for the Youth BS prep and planning session. The remaining ones were Tiffany, Kendall, Kathryn, Melissa, Gary, and myself. Gary went home, unfortunately. But the rest of us looked for a place to sit down and talk and have a drink. We ended up at Oriole in Pan Pacific Suites... some of us had tea, some coffee, Kendall had (according to him) really good hot chocolate. And we just sat and chatted till like 5+ and all of us had to make a move. I went on to Eunice's place for an OCF-Dinosaur (coz we were so old) pot-luck dinner gathering, and it was great because the food was good, but the fellowship, the catching up, the just-being-amongst-GOD's-people was absolutely wonderful. I guess this is what is called the sweetness of fellowship. =) And so ends one great day of the weekend.


Sunday! Church in the morning, lunch with the young adults, walked around Plaza Sing abit, then Danielle, Tiffany, Patrick, Zhenhao, and myself headed to Chinatown for desserts! Mango sago!!! Mmmm... =))) Zhenhao had to leave after desserts, so the 4 of us went on to the bridal studio where we would meet Mei & Louis, who were there to try their wedding gowns and suits! Such a happy occasion! Wheee! Danielle left when Chia Ling came to meet her, then we were just looking at Mei's gowns as she dresses and adjustments were made for final alterations. After that, Tiff, Pat and I went shopping abit for Tiff's evening gown for Mei's wedding. Haha! I couldn't stay long coz I was meeting Xuefen at her place. So I did! At 7:30pm, we started walking from her block to Hougang Mall for dinner. And the weather was good, and the walk was good, and the talk was good, and the company was good. And we shared a char kway teow from the new food court outside Hougang Mall, then bought some more junk food from the pasar malam and headed to Punggol Park to sit and eat and talk. Nice breeze, not-too-bad food, great talk, great company! Ended the night walking back to her place and then heading home myself. =)


Tell me, what could be a better weekend? (Ok, of course there're so many more things that would constitute a much better weekend, but in a non-material sense, this is how I'd like my weekends to be!) Of course, Yanhao suggested getting me a new camera to top it all off! Haha! That WOULD be great... but I'd leave the non-material greatness of the weekend to be non-material... =)


I'll end off this post with this song, which I was reminded of when I read this morning, about how Jesus is the light of our lives and how He's been the guiding light to so many lost (and found) souls, and His love and His light is steadfast and lasts forever. =)


How deep the Father’s love for us,
how vast beyond all measure
that He should give His only Son
to make a wretch His treasure.
How great the pain of searing loss.
The Father turns His face away
as wounds which mar the Chosen One
bring many sons to glory.


Behold the Man upon the cross,
my sin upon His shoulders.
Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice
call out among the scoffers.
It was my sin that held Him there
until it was accomplished;
His dying breath has brought me life.
I know that it is finished.


I will not boast in anything:
no gifts, no pow’r, no wisdom.
But I will boast in Jesus Christ:
His death and resurrection.
Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer.
But this I know with all my heart:
His wounds have paid my ransom.

The Wages of Sin is Death

Can you imagine this:

You've been kidnapped. The kidnapper is a psychotic doctor who wants to slowly torture you in the likes of the Saw series, without actually letting you die. He starts, say, using a nailclipper to clip off the flesh on your finger, with the final intent to sever it from your hand. *shudders* And then, at the same time, he starts, say, giving you paper cuts on your lips, again and again and again. And at the same time too, he uses a pair of scissors to snip off and split the web of your fingers and toes, one per hour. And all the time, he's gonna bandage you up, give you medication, disinfect the wounds so you'll heal, just for him to inflict those wounds again.

Am I sick or am I sick?

Anyways, the whole world knows you've been kidnapped. Your family, somehow, is unable to pay the ransom for your release. Your friends try to chip in but the total is still not enough. The news is all over in the papers.  You know the situation outside is frantic, and it seems like all hope is lost. The police can't find the kidnapper, and consequently, you. You think it's the end of your life... but remember that the kidnapper is a psycho and won't let you die that easily, if at all.

Suddenly, one day, there is a man on the news with that sum of money demanded by the kidnapper. He's pleading on TV with the psycho doctor to just take the money and leave you alone. You watch the TV and you don't recognize this man. At all. He's a complete stranger! The kidnapper asks you if you know the guy, and you say no. He asks if you would want him to take this stranger's money and be let free? Huh? What kind of question is that? Well, he's psycho, remember?

So what will your answer be? Take the money and be free of this torturer forever, and then slowly think of how to repay him back? Or not take that sum and continue to be tortured just because you don't know him and he's a stranger?

I don't know about you, but the answer is pretty obvious to me: TAKE THE MONEY AND BE FREE!!!

Well, if you think like me, then let me tell you this scenario is more real than you can imagine! You've already been kidnapped and a ransom has been demanded. The torture will begin when your life ends. And it will be for eternity. You'll be cut, then you'll heal, and be cut again, and healed, and the cycle just keeps going. But the ransom has already been paid. You just need to believe it. You just need to believe that it's been paid, and you'll be free from torture!

Do you believe the ransom has been paid?

Jesus said, "For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many."

Jesus then said about the ransom, "No one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord. I have authority to lay it down and authority to take it up again. This command I received from my Father."

Again, Jesus said, "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because he has not believed in the name of God's one and only Son."

We are all sinners and our sins will be punished by the tortures in Hell. Would you reject the ransom just because you do not know Jesus? No! You'd take the ransom and be free first! Then, in eventual thankfulness and gratefulness, you'll find ways and means to serve this "stranger" with your life!

For all you believers, are you repaying Jesus' ransom with your life? Technically, Jesus owns you now because without His ransom, you will still be in chains.

For all you non-believers, are you foolish enough to reject the ransom just because you do not know Jesus? Are you really that foolish?!

Discerning GOD's Calling

How do you do that?

It depends very much on your relationship with GOD. I guess sometimes we just gotta have more faith in what our GOD can do, instead of limiting HIM in our minds, in our bodies, in our abilities. If GOD calls, HE provides.

Right?

I don't see myself having that kind of faith yet. Those who believe, obey; those who obey, believe. That's something I learnt in YAM Camp. Do I believe? I believe that I believe. Do I obey? Doesn't seem like I am enough.

I seem to be constantly living in the shadows of my past, my mistakes, my sins. I pray that GOD, my GOD, will drag me out of the pits and shed me in HIS glorious light, where I am assured of Jesus' blood cleansing away my sins, and where I can see, like Thomas, that Jesus is so real and so there for me that I willingly submit my whole life for HIM.

Faith? It eludes me at the moment, and together with that, GOD's strength...

Angela asked, "Who am I? What am I doing here?" Seems like two really apt questions at a time like this.

New Year, New Blog

Well, not really...

It's still the old blog... but I've decided not to stick to my old kind of design anymore. I want an easy to read, easy to navigate format, so that it's easy to add more stuff, or remove stuff...

Currently, the template is a default one, but rest assured, I will customize it soon!

So! What's up this new year for you? Resolutions? New jobs? New friends? New attitude?

I've got resolutions, 2 of which are year-long, but I think I shan't say it here.

New job? Nah... at least, not yet. New friends? Yes! Lotsa 'em! And life in church seems to be getting better and more as it should be, as it used to be. And I thank GOD for that, because if it weren't for HIS guidance, HIS plans, HIS grace and mercy, HIS love, I wouldn't have been here to be impacted by the people in ORPC. 2 years here, and I do believe I'm here to stay.

So what's up this new year? I think lots of things are up... and this year is gonna be spectacular! I can feel the GOD-charged atmosphere! Can't you?

=)

Reality?

Went to GMP Agency to sign a 6 week contract with Clariden Leu. Gavin said he's dying under all the work coz people are on leave and the new boss is forever MIA. So I relented and agreed to help him, provided it was a short term thing (which it is). Following all the form-filling and signing and all, I started talking to the lady in charge. She told me if I wanted to work in a related field (to my studies), I gotta be fierce and forceful and proactive in my job search. Send resumés and call them up to "sell" myself... and apparently freelancing is a bad impression when people see that on your resumé. And living in a practical world, I ought to seriously consider doing something different from what I studied...

Why is everyone telling me to not follow my passion? It's not all about the money, is it? Perhaps I should remain single all my life so I'm not really accountable to anyone about my life so I can live the way I like... and thus, work the way I like, the things I like...

*sigh*

The reality of life is a twisted joke.

Someone told me, "Sometimes, reality hurts."

I guess when it comes to certain things, reality hurts most of the time, rather than sometimes.



"Met you by surprise, I didn't realize
that my life would change forever.
Saw you standing there, I didn't know I cared;
There was something special in the air.

Dreams are my reality,
the only real kind of real fantasy.
Illusions are a common thing,
I try to live in dreams,
it seems as if it's meant to be.

Dreams are my reality,
A different kind of reality.
I dream of loving in the night,
And loving seems alright,
Although it's only fantasy.

If you do exist, honey don't resist,
Show me a new way of loving.
Tell me that it's true,
Show me what to do,
I feel something special about you.

Dreams are my reality,
The only kind of reality.
Maybe my foolishness has past,
And maybe now at last
I'll see how a real thing can be.

Dreams are my reality,
A wondrous world where I like to be.
I dream of holding you all night,
And holding you seems right,
Perhaps that's my reality.

Met you by surprise, I didn't realize
That my life would change forever.
Tell me that it's true,
Feelings that are cue,
I feel something special about you.

Dreams are my reality,
A wondrous world where I like to be.
Illusions are a common thing,
I try to live in dreams,
Although it's only fantasy.

Dreams are my reality,
I like to dream of you close to me.
I dream of loving in the night,
And loving you seems right,
Perhaps that's my reality."

-Richard Sanderson: Reality

The Could've Beens

Everytime I watch a romantic show, or rather, shows with romance in it, and a happy ending, or a bittersweet ending, I think of what could have been if we were together, if things had been different. I can so imagine us so in love with each other, so eager to have a happily-ever-after, so blissfully married and starting a family...

Then I would feel that aching feeling inside that you can't really pinpoint. And my mouth turns sour and the tears well up, because I know that isn't meant to be.



When will I stop this?

Miss You...

Can I miss you? I hope you don't mind... but I really really do. =(

I miss showering you with love and affection,
with gifts and little presents.
I miss giving you little kisses,
in the early morning light.
I miss holding you to sleep,
in the wee hours of the morning.
I miss waking up so close to you
and gazing at your beautiful face.

I miss your smiling at me
and the warmth if brings my heart.
I miss your hand in mine,
the tenderness of your touch.
I miss the fun we had
when I piggyback you in winter.
I miss the love you had
when you looked me in the eyes.

I miss cooking for you,
hanging out the laundry too.
I miss coming home to a big embrace
and lazing the evenings away.
I miss the strolls and the walks,
the laughs and the quiet whisperings.
I miss your eyes, your beautiful eyes,
when they laugh along with you.

I miss singing with you
while you play the guitar and we praise our GOD.
I miss arguing with you
over Bible Studies, Biblical talks.
I miss Cold Rock ice-cream
on a cold cold winter's night.
I miss the crazy secret cabbing
to be with you every night.

I miss the feeling of connection
when a song held meaning for both of us.
I miss the snuggling in our own sleeping bags
when we gaze at the stars in the sky.
I miss the not-so-secret miming
that distracted everyone else in the meeting.
I miss the walks to school
in the grumblings of cold early mornings.

I miss grocery shopping
and pushing you round on a trolley.
I miss buying lots of chocolates
and gorging ourselves with them.
I miss your cravings for
hot Milo and crackers at midnight.
I miss communal breakfast
with you and your two best friends.

I miss missing you
every single moment we're apart.
I miss waiting for you
whenever we're about to meet.
I miss studying with you
in the library, or at a cafe.
I miss the long talks we used to have
until the sun rises and we're still talking.

I miss hiding behind a tree,
us two elephants.
I miss looking after baby
and trying to make him sleep.
I miss the times with your family,
where they treat me like part of you.
I miss buying you flowers
even though it's not that often.

I miss picking your clothes for you
when you don't know what to wear.
I miss shopping with you
trying to restrain your spree.
I miss sharing sushi with you,
half for you, and half for me.
I miss chasing the dog away from you,
coz you didn't like his slobber.

I miss taking the catamaran with you
downstream to someplace else.
I miss watching the sunset colors in the sky
with you by my side.
I miss the secret handholds
at the back of a car.
I miss keeping you warm
with my jackets and my self.

I miss you... I really really really do. And I hope somehow someway, you'll miss me too.

Hope Pulls Us Through the Toughest Times

It's been more than a year now...

I still think about you and me... and I always felt that it was a beautiful thing that we could've had, that we could've made of our future. And it really was a shame that I couldn't have held it all together.

Books that I read, movies that I see, they all remind me of what could have been. I guess it's no use wallowing in that because what could have been, could have been many things. We might have ended up broken in the end anyway. Or we might have a happily-ever-after... but for now, all that seems pointless, useless, and meaningless to ponder upon, to think about.

I still miss you. I still love you. I still think about you, think of you so so much... so very often.

Is there any hope at all?

Anyone?

The last time I had this song up on my blog, that was half a year ago... and now that I'm listening through my iPod from the beginning again, it tugs at my heartstrings so hard and so insistently...



"Anyone who have a love close to this
Knows what I'm saying.
Anyone who wants a dream to come true
Knows how I'm feeling.
All I can think of is you and me
Doing the things I wanna do.
All I imagine is heaven on earth,
I know it's you.

Anyone who ever kissed in the rain
Knows the whole meaning.
Anyone who ever stood in the light
Needs no explaining.
But everything more or less appears so meaningless,
Blue and cold.
Walking alone through the afternoon traffic,
I miss you so.

Anyone who felt like I do,
Anyone who wasn't ready to fall;
Anyone who loved like I do,
Knows it never really happens at all.
It's over when it's over.
What can I do about it?
Now that it's over,
Everything more or less is looking so meaningless,
And fades to grey.
Lying awake in an ocean of teardrops,
I float away.

Anyone who ever felt like I do,
Anyone who wasn't ready to fall;
Anyone who loved like I do,
Knows it never really happens at all.
It's over when it's over.
What can I do about it,
Now it's all over..."

-Roxette: Anyone