Catharsis Sneak Attack?

 Life isn't perfect

Life isn't glamorous

But I'm happy.

Today's a bit of a weird day. It's a bit of a day of.... appreciation you know? I'm genuinely happy.

Yeah, things don't work out according to our plans or like.... our fantasies of the future, but for what it is, I can look back at all the things that have happened and I can gladly say that I'm happy that they happened the way they did, good or bad.

I really don't know what brought this on, but for the first time in a long time, I am genuinely smiling at where I am now.

Maybe because of the long break I've taken off work, the little things I've done here and there to try and enrich my life, maybe it's just appreciating family and my time with them....

Yeah, I'm happy. Feels weird for me to say it because I usually try and follow up with some sort of... worry or something, but at least at this current point in time, I'm contended and I'm happy... and I feel fulfilled.

Life is strange.

I try my best, everyday.

You know, I didn't really expect to write back again so soon but it just really feels like... I'm awaiting the results of an exam or something, even though it's nothing really all that serious.

It's not all that fatal but for me in my head right now it's REALLY FUCKING IMPORTANT AND I JUST DON'T KNOW WHY.

Maybe in like a sea of things that I feel hasn't really been going right, something big like this wear I pour so much of my life and soul into it... even though it's not exactly something that can't be fixed without fatal outcome is just... I don't know, it's just so important to me and my mental state of things right now.

Like yeah, I'm just in a god damn mood where I need things to start working and going in my favour without fucking up ever fucking 5 centimeters along the path you know?

It's a different kind of stress. I am stressed. I want things to work out the way I... well envision them to and when they don't as much as I try not to, they really fucking hit hard on me.

As terrible as it sounds, this kind of also reminds me of how it was with my ex. I really wanted everything to work out, I envisioned everything, and when it didn't, I really REALLY took it hard on the chin, I'm not even sure if I fully recovered from it a decade and a bit on from when we last said our goodbyes.

I kinda feel like this is also one of the root reasons as to why I burn out so easily. Whether I choose to admit to it or not, I sometimes put a lot of stake into the things that I do to make me happy and when it doesn't turn out, I just get epically downed by it... in a way a little bit of a glass cannon if you will you know? I set things up to the best of my ability for like success and everything but when it doesn't turn out and I mean life is just like that sometimes, I just... get ultra bummed over it.

Like ok, even if Wilson doesn't get the visa by tomorrow, it really isn't the end of the world. He MIGHT get it maybe monday or tuesday, in which it's still possible for him to fly on down to Melbourne and while he may not be able to attend GCAP, he may still be able to be around for like Parallels and Pax Aus you know? it still is fine, salvage what's left as Chad said.

It's just that whole... not working according to the plan that I had in my head that really fucks with me.

This whole thing that is happening now is just like a little bit of intervention with myself and you know... psychiatry to just...check in with myself every now and again.

ARGH, but even right now, right now even as I tell myself it doesn't matter, I can feel it in my heart, in my head, in my chest man, the trepidation. THE UNCERTAINTY. The just... hint of despair even though I know LOGICALLY IT REALLY DOESN'T MATTER.

It's REALLY JUST THAT I NEED SOMETHING RIGHT TO HAPPEN RIGHT ABOUT NOW, THAT'S JUST IT OKAY.

Not that my life is like a massive shithole or anything, I have a LOT GOING FOR ME AND I'M A FUCKING BLESSED GUY BUT I DON'T KNOW OK. MAYBE I JUST PUT MYSELF ON THIS KIND OF PEDESTAL OF ACHIEVEMENT. THAT I HAVE TO GET THINGS RIGHT OR ELSE KIND OF THING, PEOPLE WILL SUFFER PEOPLE ARE DEPENDING ON ME ETC ETC AH.

Yeah It's probably a lot of that. I put a lot of pressure and responsibility on myself, even though I know that it's really unwarranted. I'm harder on myself harder than anyone else out there ever will be.

I just have to tell myself that it's okay. The same thing that I tell my wife and daughter, I have to be okay with myself (hard to do). I have to be okay with failure. A single failure rarely means a catastrophic ending (I've written in about this before). Just because it isn't perfect or how I envisioned it to go down doesn't mean that it's going to flop hard, doesn't mean that it's absolutely balls, doesn't mean that I'm worthless and am doing the wrong thing.

I am doing the best that I can in the ways that I know how.
I am trying to be the best friend that I can be,
I am trying to be the best husband that I can be,
I am trying to be the best father that I can be,
I am trying to be the best son that I can be,

I am trying to be the best sibling that I can be,

I am trying to be the best boss that I can be,

All while trying to retain my own sanity and try and take care of myself, my mind, my interests, my hearts....

And I can tell you... it ain't easy.

Why can't I get a bit of a break?

I'll make it a short session today. I originally wanted to write upstairs from the 17th floor, but turns out someone was in the PC room.

Not sure if it was dad, kinda has to be, no one else would sleep there but yeah, means I'm not using the room to do any writing is all.

Anyway, I think I've been wanting to write on my blog for a while now. It's been a REALLY hectic past few days to say the least, with a lot of things going on that absolutely begged for my attention.

I had to deal with a lot of administration issues with the company to start off with. I say issues but I think it's basically just pretty standard stuff, just stuff that I'm not used to and does very well at throwing me into a bit of that uncomfortable territory.

Then there was the loan of the new house we were supposed to buy and all the trials and tribulations that come with it. Honestly, I'm not against the idea at all, but to say that my mind was absolutely cluttered with too much other stuff that I am unable to give it much thought or attention no matter how much it begged for it is a bit of an understatement..

The elephant in the room is the lack of clients we've been having since the middle of the year. It's the start of October now and that honestly hasn't really changed all that much. granted, I have more than enough leeway built over the previous years to clear us for the year, but it still makes me just that tad bit more uncomfortable as no matter what, it would be ending the year in a little bit of that red.

It doesn't exactly help that our family trip to Japan wasn't what I'd call peaceful. The theme within the last couple of months have just been.... things requiring my attention, left and right. Little things but they pile up and burden me nonetheless. It doesn't help that the flight was delayed 5 hours or that the days leading up to the trip were fraught with just little clashes here and there whether it's with my parents and my sister, Rei and Eloise or me with Christine, my parents or whatever else... Honestly past few months have felt like this massive long form test of me.

I served as the driver for the Japan trip, and while I don't normally mind, it would at least be a little bit nice if that were acknowledged a little bit more in giving me a bit more time to chill and rest, or at least listen to what I want to while in the car. I mean it wasn't all that terrible inside, but combine that, driving in a foreign country, driving a huge alphard into said country that is normally dominated by "kei" cars, and roads being pretty much 1.2x the width of malaysian roads but expecting to fit two cars in a two way fashion, the gps just sending me to really obscure and tiny roads... man it has been stressful.

And when I'm not driving it has also been stressful watching my sister and parents just have little tiffs and arguments with each other, proceed to drag me into it... really not great.

Then the esim that I got for Christine wasn't working with her phone in Japan, so I had to spend my early days just chatting with customer service to run for a refund on that, then get a new esim and hope to hell that it worked (it did) then near the end of our trip realising that the Sim cards that I GOT for the rest of us was about 5-6GB short of what was advertised before the throttling kicked in, then needing to contact the seller, him being a bitch about it saying he would totally win a dispute against me, then me having to contact shopee on multiple occasions, have all the outcomes be basically just misunderstood and not something that was helpful, do that 4-5 times, end up having to call their customer support (I have platinum luckily) to explain the whole thing to them before reaching an outcome I can accept, reaching back to Malaysia gathering said sim cards and returning all of them for a full refund

Then I had to deal with submitting the insurance claims for our AirAsia flight and it doesn't help that people were just delaying what I needed non stop except that this time it has mostly been just family (sis)

Then just as I let up just a little bit in preparation for my perhaps true holiday which is Australia and Bangkok, I run into issues with Wilson's Visa just not passing through the application even though I submitted exactly the same documents in (I suspect that my frequency of travel to Australia has something to do with my ease of application) and then realising that we can't apply for a new ETA Visa until 7 days from letter of rejection, then visiting the embassy only to get turned away (that's 12 ringgit in parking we won't get back), then needing to international call Australia like 4-5 times (thank god my phone bill is now covered by the company, I refuse to look at how much that's going to cost) because in at least 2 occasions the agent just hung up on me midway (always the first call that I make after something happens, what's up with that), then needing to apply for a new visa that I SINCERELY HOPES WORKS OUT...

Dude, just writing this out gives me so much stress I'm not even kidding. My jaw actually hurts from tensing; it's sore.

I know a lot of what I'm writing here probably won't even make a lot of sense, I'm just writing whatever comes to my mind as I go. I'm just SEMI hoping that tomorrow morning Wilson will get the email that the visa has been approved without the need for us to call in to the home affairs ministry to ask for it to be expedited. I sincerely hope so but something tells me it's not going to be that easy.

Like I get why the visa was rejected initially right. What works for me doesn't work for him, Ok fine, at least give me an opportunity to upload more supporting documents instead of straight up turning down my application with no chance of appeal and put me on a 7 day cooldown period. Seriously, not cool (pun unintended).

In the end I managed to get a personal letter specifically mentioning he's coming in to attend GCAP by the CEO of GCAP, and I myself wrote up a fucking company letter with all the details stating that he's coming with me to attend said 3 conference, and after that we're leaving for another conference in Bangkok, you don't have to worry about us overstaying, I'm going to make absolute sure of that, just FUCKING APPROVE OF THE GOD DAMN VISAS, I JUST WANT SOMEHING TO GO SMOOTHLY FOR ONCE IN THESE PAST FEW MONTHS.

Oh my god my jaw hurts from clenching my teeth. It's seriously sore as hell. What initially was supposed to be this tiny little rant about the situation as it is now has just ballooned into this massive rant/ thought dump. I mean good thing it's going up on my blog and not just Socmed I guess.

Still, it really just shows me how something like my blog is really just so irreplaceable as an outlet to talk to. It really is helpful. Better than rant dumping on friends I suppose.

Also my mental state hasn't been the greatest to work in fact I haven't really done any development work for almost a year, so that's pretty royally fucked as well.

Side Note: Today I changed the cooling interface on my laptop out from the stock liquid metal to a phase change material, PTM 7950 of course. Ok, technically I topped up the liquid metal once, but the pump out effect was WAY too pronounced for me to keep using liquid metal on this laptop. The LM would just squeeze out of the hottest spots of the chip (boiling?) and the temperatures would skyrocket from not doing anything much. Heck, there's even like a freaking black/darkish mark on the chip and Heat sink where the pump out effect happened and the chip ran it's hottest.

In the end something like LM works well for chips that don't run too hot IMHO. IF you can somehow work below that pump out/ boiling temperature, then that works best, but for something like my 13700HX, switching to something a little bit more traditional really works best.

P.S. I still want to fix the old illegear laptop.

Who knew failure could feel this good?

It's definitely been quite a week. Taking a long break from work (still am), coming back from Unreal Fest Bali, just kinda... coming in terms a little bit with what I am a little now... and I didn't quite realise that just by letting go by so much that weighs on me, be it work or life or just character, I've become quite... lost.

It manifests itself in the form of... absentmindedness, lack of clarity, fear, uncertainty, just a general... lostness I guess.

I mean don't get me wrong, it's kinda terrible, and I'm sure it sounds terrible, it kinda is, but it's kinda refreshing in a weird way being this... broken and vulnerable, not having my mind just being wired up all the time and just yeah...just allowing myself to be kinda... shit at life you know.

Even the things in the past where I KNOW I wouldn't have batted an eyelid like repair works or requests have just got me... second guessing myself, and... I dunno, kinda just getting used to the idea of saying no, or just being doubtful and not so gung ho all the time, accepting things I previously would have "known" would've been a cakewalk for me is honestly liberating. 

Not having to do so much, having less responsibilities is just liberating and being able to mentally let go of so many things has been liberating. Being SHIT at things I normally would be on top of no questions asked is liberating.

Heck, I didn't even get my departure and arrival times proper lmao. Something that definitely got WTF looks from other people onto me, yet as I said, it just feels good, at least for now.

Not trying to be the fastest, the best, the smartest, not trying to behave as if I've ALWAYS got something to prove has been nice. Being human and fucking up more often than not has been nice.

Of course, eventually I do need to get myself back together again (accounts and payroll and just generally being an adult, a father and a husband and all that) but yeah, it's kinda weird but at least for a little while, I kinda enjoyed being a bit of a loser.

Ok I know why.

 Yeah ok, the blunder with the 3d printer was my own. The past few days has just been ones of just lack of concentration and just feels like it buzzes by without much thought. In the end I messed up by not connecting the fan back to where it belongs.

Cable on the left was supposed to be at the middle instead. F.

In the end that blunder has caused me bigger as while I was finessing with it, I guess I did something bad and I ended up damaging the sub board. Now whenever I power the printer up, the MOSFET above the connector I mistakenly connected it to is showing signs of a short as it heats up immensely quickly and at VERY high temperatures.

Instantly made my hand reel away the moment the printer powered up.

So yeah, dead printer.

The good news is that I've gotten in contact with the SOVOL tech support team and they've been nice and frankly extremely helpful. They're sending me a new sub board and cable free of charge so that's really good news for me. I mean it doesn't cost me very much to get the new board even if I had to buy it myself.

I mean yeah. This time I got lucky. Very lucky. I didn't expect SOVOL to offer me the parts for free.

Just gotta be much ore careful from now onwards I guess. I've already scratched up my new flat PEI bed due to a mistakenly uncommented Z -5 movement. 

Pain.

It's not too central to the print bed at least. Yeah. I mean... lucky and unlucky. Just gotta wait for the new extruder board in the meantime.

WHY.

 I'm not gonna lie. It bothers me. It REALLY does bother me. Like why on earth is my "Tech Luck" this year just so insanely terrible? I'm not even into half of the year yet and I've already bricked my new phone from something that should be absolutely fucking routine for me, and now, my FUCKING NEW 3D PRINTER IS BRICKED.

WHY IS IT BRICKED? I DON'T FUCKING KNOW.

IT WAS AGAIN A SUPER FUCKING ROUTINE THING. IT WAS JUST A FILAMENT JAM. I'VE DEALT WITH FILAMENT JAMS BEFORE.

Then I go ahead and clear the fucking jam, no big deal what ever, then the part cooling fan stops working. OKAY SURE, NO PROBLEM. AGAIN, SOMETHING THAT I CAN VERY MUCH DEAL WITH, A BIT OF AN ANNOYANCE BUT NOT TOO BAD, THEN SUDDENLY! It just refuses to start.

Why.

like seriously, why.

Nothing I did was out of the ordinary in the grand scheme of what I've been doing for fucking decades. I've flashed phones all my life, never once have I bricked it yet here we are. I've serviced my printer and tore it down to kingdom come so many times and each time hasn't been a god damn issue yet... THIS ONE TIME... Just clearing a clog... and it just starts with a non working part fan, and trying to trouble shoot why the part fan isn't working... SUDDENLY JUST LEADS TO A NON WORKING FIRMWARE ON THE PRINTER.

WHY.

LIKE SERIOUSLY, WHY.

I don't get it.

I know I've been trying to chill out and what not, but these are really the things that should be performing perfectly. These are the things that should be the static values in my life you know? Just... WORKING.

YET HERE WE ARE.

FUCK.

EDIT: And OH yeah, my Jellyfin somehow has broken web access. No idea why. Fucking... YAY.

I'm not good enough.

... and that's okay. Also, at least in some things.

This phrase has a larger impact on me as opposed to something like "You're not perfect, and that's okay". I mean that's the phrase that many people normally use in this kind of situation, but because "perfect" implies something... kinda extreme in a way I feel like it's not as realistic and most people won't hit it anyway. Saying "I'm not good enough" though... that's generally something more attainable, a lower bar, something more normal.

It's all about coming to terms with myself as a person I guess. I wrote I think in a previous segment about dealing with perfectionism and so the past couple of days have just been about... not just being easy or compassionate with myself, but rather not having myself adhere to so many self imposed rules, not pushing myself too hard for no good reason I guess.

Simple things like... being ok with not being able to repair something, whether it's for myself or for a client, and just coming to terms with that easier; it's somehow really cathartic, like just letting go of the burden of identity maybe.

Not constantly min maxing my life I guess is another thing, and giving in to my wants a bit more has been another. For better or for worse, I am allowing myself to just purchase the things that I kinda feel like having in the moment, allowing myself to be a bit impulsive with my actions, and it's honestly made me a bit happier, like just not thinking too much about it for once and just going with it, like buying 24 cans of beer for myself, or not thinking too much about shipping costs, not thinking too much about ROI and value... it is somewhat liberating not gonna lie.

I am giving myself a break of half a month, starting on the 16th, and while it hasn't officially started yet, I still find myself having difficulties relaxing, like I can suddenly jolt myself being like no I have work to do, why am I relaxing I need to do x y z, until I remember that no, I should be relaxing and winding down. Not relaxing is exactly what brought this on in the first place and why I feel the need to write in here again more often.

I also get hit with waves of guilt sometimes, like I shouldn't be relaxing or something and... well... that's not good. At least for the next half month, it's something that I'll need to learn to overcome.

Fog once more.

 I feel like I need to start writing again more often. It feels like time is passing by extremely quickly. it feels like I don't have time to breathe. It feels like I'm being left behind, all while trying to compile myself. It feels like the world doesn't wait for me to get myself together, and rightfully so, why would they? why would they for anyone.

The rut feels real. the stagnation in my mind is just... not something that I can easily explain. I feel lost I guess. Lost and tired no matter how much I sleep, no matter how long I sleep. Perhaps it's the depression making itself back up again. Beneath it all I can feel that I'm tired, I'm exhausted. I don't exactly know why, but I'm tired. I'm just really tired.

Am I taking on too many tasks? Some might say that I'm even winding down from a lot of things. I haven't really been doing any repair jobs. I've pretty much not done any YouTube content for more than a year at this point. I've not really been watching anime or movies. I haven't been playing any games, at least not to the point where I'm really enjoying myself. Maybe that's also part of the problem, I haven't really been partaking in any activities that I enjoy, or rather conversely, the activities that used to give me joy no longer do so.

I would say that there's a flatness and staleness in what I'm doing but I'm not sure that's the case either. It just feels like... my will for a lot of things have faded, like the fire inside of me is fading slowly. No longer as passionate, no longer as driven, just flat. Empty.

I don't know. Maybe I don't even have enough energy anymore to do the little things. Maybe I'm surrounded too much by the things that I have to do that without completing them, I am unable to enjoy the things I want to do.

Even knocking off the to do lists that I've given for myself don't really bring that much enjoyment or motivation. Maybe it's also because I feel that those things are a distraction from me completing the things that I need to do, so even though I'm trying to use those as some form of kickstart to get myself going, it's not really working.

Like I can do them, and I guess I can do them, and completing them does give me some level of joy, but I guess I myself know that it's not that vital.

I guess it also feels that I don't really have any allies on my side at times, although I guess that's not exactly true. Wilson's rightfully annoyed by my lack of productivity and of course it's difficult to blame everything on "I have ADHD" while at the same time Christine has been a bit more understanding of it ever since she started to learn more about ADHD struggled from Eunice which is interesting if not a bit unnerving as well.

Latest news as well now is that LightSup project has been cancelled which is part concerning but also part relieving. Like it's honestly difficult to keep up with everything at the same time, and in many ways I just want a break from everything, just a mental break I guess to give myself some room to breathe and enjoy life a little bit more once again.

If anything I think it's a larger sign of me really needing to offload my work to someone else, whether it be Christine or a hire. The best case scenario is of course Christine to help take over and manage the more admin side of things. I'd rather focus on the development aspects of things, business development is still not so bad, so I don't mind that bit, but yeah.

Maybe it's just depression. I think that in some way it is. In some ways, it's probably linked to the ADHD, but I think it's just a bit of that depression creeping its head out right now.

It'd 3:30am and I've probably had more alcohol than I should, but then again it's like that every other time. Alcohol helps me cope, whether it's healthy or not.