"in conclusion..." is a bad way to start a conclusion

looks like it's time for a year-end review of... the year. oddly enough, this year did not feel like a single year for me -- more like a decade. i skimmed through my earlier posts this year to jog my memory about who i was back then. time machine!

turns out i graduated this year; i had completely forgotten that was this year. it seemed like so long ago that i was crowing about taking Courtship in Literature and how funny that would be (don't and it wasn't) and how cool Opera is (don't settle for less). it seemed like 3 years ago that i was sitting up in the student centre of UTSC watching AD, when it was only 10 months ago. when undergrad ended, a lot of other things ended at around the same time: school, service, love, life and some other stuff; it was all very conclusive in that "hmm, my world is ending" sort of way.

the summer was one of renewal. old responsibilities were shed. it was vivifying. my steps were quicker, the laughs were longer, the sun shone a little bit brighter and i came as close to the joy of becoming a parent as i possibly could without actually wrangling up a shiny rock and a dance partner. it was my summer of rest (take THAT income tax!) and i got to enjoy being who God was molding me into, and see what He was doing not too far from here.

and now i'm on the doorstep to the rest of my life, having delayed stepping into the real world for a few more months so that i can sit in the OISE library and watch AD. lots of things have happened. lots of things are happening. lots of things will happen. this denouement to my school life is fast becoming the prologue to the next book.

Ingrid Michaelson - The Way I Am

If you were falling, then I would catch you.
You need a light, I'd find a match.

Cuz I love the way you say good morning.
And you take me the way I am.

If you are chilly, here take my sweater.
Your head is aching, I'll make it better.

Cuz I love the way you call me baby.
And you take me the way I am.

I'd buy you Rogaine when you start losing all your hair.
Sew on patches to all you tear.

Cuz I love you more than I could ever promise.
And you take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.

who i am is not quite who i was

i have been cleaning my room for the past 2 days (because there was that much stuff) and rearranging the furniture and swapping in new furniture, etc. a few minutes ago, i found an old assignment i participated in back in grade 10 or 11. it was an english writing assignment where we'd each submit a short blurb about ourselves as if we were meeting together for our nth year reunion (where n is an integer).

the following is what i wrote. you can clearly see where my priorities were back then; it's not so far off from where they are now.

After graduating from Woburn Collegiate Institute in 2003 as an insignificant student having made little visible difference, Herman quickly rose up the social ranks as a hackey sack champion in Brock University. He double-majored in Greek Mythology and Biomechanics after receiving a scholarship for Insignificant Achievement. While attending Brock, Herman wrote a novel, aptly titled Foot-Eye Coordination and the Flying Beaver, but it was never published.

Graduating from Brock in two years, Herman celebrated his 20th birthday by getting married. To this day, he still doesn't know her name (or does he simply forget? either way, if he doesn't know, she's not telling), but they worked around it. He moved to Zurich, Switzerland, quitting his job at Indigo for a higher paid job at the Indigo in Switzerland as manager. In 2007, Penelope, his first daughter, was born. She exhibited early skills in percussion and visual art, but later changed her mind and became an astronomer. His son, Edwin, was born two years later and grew up to play centre for the Toronto Maple Leafs. By that time, Herman and his family had moved back to Toronto, but outside the city. Herman became a computer game storyline consultant as a result of the move.

In his spare time, Herman enjoys reading, various sports and just plain living. He still occasionally plays hackey sack, but since no one else in his family does, it's not much fun. He had a pet kangaroo named Jenny, and they used to hold jumping contests. Jenny died of old age in 2024.

At the moment, Herman is Manager of Indigo again and resides with his family in Markham. He is contemplating adopting another kangaroo.

i'm sure you're dying to psychoanalyze this. i've taken the liberty of getting the ball rolling to maybe offer a bit of insider insight. it will help you develop your interpretation of my crazy.

the word insignificance crops up twice. self-esteem issues?

Brock? definitely self-esteem issues.

Greek Mythology and Biomechanics: early signs of English and Physics

the book title is... wow

graduating from Brock in two years: no self-esteem issues at all

marriage at 20: i still wish for that, but it's trickier now

"still doesn't know her name": didn't want to seem too wishful

Indigo: i heart bookstores.

Zurich: snow, mandatory military service for a neutral country that never goes to war, paid tuition for post-secondary education, chocolate

Penelope, born in 2007: i still have a few days to get on this. i've always liked the name (Odysseus' loyal wife).

Edwin, born 2009: TML player... pretty obvious where this is coming from.

kids' interests and professions reflect my own

computer game storyline consultant: English + Nerd

Jenny, the kangaroo: i've always wanted a pet, but something a little more obscure than usual

Porcelain Philosophy 9: Reputation

my reputation precedes me. in a Chinese church, this is a potentially volatile matter.

a casual conversation with an adult that i have not spoken directly to more than 4 times, and certainly not in recent memory, yielded the fact that it was known i was in teachers college; nevermind that the query was initially directed to my brother with whom i am still mistaken for (even by his driving instructor!), and vice versa. there are people i've spoken more frequently to in the fellowships i held and hold membership to who did not know until they asked me where i've been working.

naturally, i am curious as to what the rest of my reputation says about my character. i have a fairly good idea of who i am, but mostly because i spend all my time with myself. after awhile, you pick up on a few things. what i'm more interested in is what others, who only spend finite amounts of time with me under specific environmental and social situations, see. indulge my curiosity in the comments if you so desire.

an aspiring professional ought to comport himself as a professional. is this reflected in my speech and actions?

i'm pretty sure most would say "not really": case in point, the comment above about how people i interact with who have no idea what i am doing after graduation (or what i did to achieve graduation for that matter). that's not to say that i am pouting that some people don't pay attention to me, or that they don't bother to remember what i tell them; it's more like my parents' reaction to when i told them i was aiming to be a teacher: "really?" never would have guessed it.

therein lies my beef with reputation. everyone is, at any given moment, a "work in progress"; everyone is judged by instances. in more confusing terms: the derivative of their action function. plot a graph of action (positive: good, negative: bad) vs. time and most people will have a fairly squiggly line, like a temperature vs. time graph of a home with central heating and a thermostat. we really only notice another person's actions when the magnitude of the derivative of his or her action function is high (i.e. does something exceptionally good, or does something exceptionally bad). the recency effect puts a very high stock on this single event, biasing our perception of that person's reputation. when judging others, we have the remarkable ability to set them against standards that we ourselves fall short of more often than not.

the Chinese culture is honour based. above all else, you must "save face." lie, cheat, steal, extort, bribe, blackmail, murder -- whatever it takes to ensure that your family is not disgraced in public (nevermind that most of those methods will generally lead to further disgrace). throw in the complicated church dynamic and the proclivity of people to draw their own conclusions and share them, and you have a very, very narrow margin for error. for more extra fun, post your personal thoughts about everything online.

psych out!

i visited some schools yesterday: one i only left 6 months ago, and the other one i had not visited in 2 or 3 years. i made it to my high school in time for lunch period, so everyone was out in the halls and all the teachers were in their offices. there were a sea of faces and i recognized none of them; reasonable, since i graduated in '03 and all of the present students were born in the 90s.

i had a lovely chat with my english teachers, Mrs. B and Brown Mrs. B (Ms. M). the ones who read your writing are the ones you tend to get to know (so that they can look more favourably upon your writing =P). my high school english teachers are the reason i chose to take english as a teachable.

after a stop by my old faithful locker, i headed back out for St. Florence. i wanted to make it in a certain timeframe (to minimize class disruptions) so i decided to skip lunch with family, and subsequently skip lunch entirely (because i'm poor).

when i arrived, (nearly) everyone was in the staff room having a pizza party; they roped me into not skipping lunch afterall. oh, how i had missed the people and the staff room banter.

after lunch, i went into the primary hall to bring the students back in from lunch recess, so that i could see my darlings, now in grade 2. i had forgotten how small they were, but they did not forget me.

"Mr. Chan! I missed you!" "Are you a kid?" "Are you a daddy?" "Do you have a girlfriend?" "Are you in love with _______?" "Didn't you marry _______?" "Are you an adult?"

students i never really talked to before also came up to say, "Hi!" and "I know you!" and "Are you going to work here?"

outside one of the grade 2 classrooms, i stood to greet them. a student i did not know came up to chat.

"I'm new here. Who are you?"
"Mr. Chan. You must be Nicholas."

His eyes bugged out with amazement and he sputtered, "How did you know?!"
I pointed to the coat hooks that lined the hall. "Your name tag is right there."

question: have you ever felt the urge to string together a courageous length of obscenities?

it's usually out of indignation and anger at some injustice wrought upon you by another.

i haven't felt that in a very long time.

reading the news today, i felt a momentary flash to do so, out of indignation: what drives a person to do that? at the same time, i felt the complete opposite: a warm, glowing hope in humanity.

and in the times you encounter something so sublime that your responses seem to tear you into two different directions, the response that wins out tells you who you are.

there will be cake when you're done

it's the holiday (Winter Solstice, Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanzaa, etc), so that means you are either
a) feeling marvelous because you get to spend time with your loved ones having snowball fights, eating many animals and tearing gift wrap paper with a ferocity not seen since the Gauls ransacked Northeastern Europe;
b) feeling depressed because it's cold and you don't have anyone special to wrap you up in a fuzzy blanket and drink hot chocolate with you under the stars;
c) feeling bored because you have nothing to do.

if you are a), make sure those loved ones know that they are loved.
if you are b), don't sweat it -- there are others who are equally desperate.
if you are c), play this game: Portal: the flash version.

this game is based on Valve's Portal, a revolutionary puzzle/adventure game. carl showed this to me a few weeks ago and i was immediately hooked. you are given a portal gun that can shoot a single yellow and a single blue portal. entering one portal will allow you to exit through the other, with your angular momentum intact. in other words: "speedy thing goes in, speedy thing comes out". aiding your quest are moveable, stackable blocks. impeding your progress are walls that cannot hold portals, deathtraps and line-of-sight machine gun turrets.



the flash version has all these things, but in two-dimensions, rather than three.

updates: by category

professional: halfway there! the biggest conference in terms of professional development is coming up this week. it will be all about the logistics and non-teaching related items of interest, such as getting hired, getting registered with governing bodies (college, federations, boards, etc), and getting a taste for the variety of opportunities available (private, remote areas, abroad, religious, language immersion). it's going to be a lot to absorb and i am already coasting through all this with about 45% of the usable portion of my brain.

physical: i finally bit the winter sickness bug a week or two ago, with minor symptoms of phlegm and snot and cough. it put a real damper on my winter ice cream eating. however, compared to the last time i got sick in May, this one was easy, breezy because it didn't really slow me down -- except to blow my nose. played floor hockey for the first time in so very many years this past friday and i discovered a great deal: a) my muscles getting creaky from lack of use; b) i need to learn to stretch more effectively; c) i'm not the bad passer that i thought i was; d) if i actually train seriously, i could be really good.

mental: due to lack of practice, sudokus and crosswords are taking far longer and i'm making far more errors than before. i do not despair, however, as i know my mind is being applied elsewhere (try thinking cosmological astrophysics and the finer points of grammar at the same time). connection building is still fairly sharp, but memory is hitting a ceiling.

spiritual: i am having difficulty motivating myself to read the Bible. is it because i feel like i've already read it all before? i think it's because too much is in my head and not enough is in my heart (where it counts). it is so hard to develop and refine habits when you are in a transition period. good habits, diligence, discipline, get you through the dry spells. prayer feels like i'm just talking to myself.

personal: last week, i thought to myself, "wow, i am so emotionally vulnerable right now i would hit on a tree stump if it looked at me." i'm not even attracted to trees stumps (this is not a metaphor). i'm pretty sure i've been very emotionally promiscuous because i feel the need to give that kind of attention, but have no one to give to (properly). in other words, i could be interpreted as being interested when i'm sort of not. i say "sort of not" because there are days when i sort of am -- hence the tree stump statement. BLARGH.

always learning

you know those tasty ring cakes from large grocery stores?
i always thought they were just being cheapskates, cheating me out of more cake.
today, i learned that ring cakes bake more evenly, so that they don't undercook or burn or fail.

Nerd Corner: Command Scripts

a month ago, i decided to stop using Intel's Wireless Utility that was provided with my computer; it required a lot of processes and tended to be wonky when hopping onto different networks. the built-in Windows utility for managing wireless networks is adequate. as a result, i can no longer use any hardware controls for the wireless card (the Z63 has buttons on the side for things like bluetooth, wireless, touchpad, etc). i also cannot use the keyboard shortcut (Fn+F2) to toggle the wireless card on and off. normally, when i run on battery (taking notes in class), i like to have the wireless card turned off to save power and to prevent my attention from wandering to the internets.

without the hardware toggle or the keyboard toggle, the 'simple' way to turn off the card would be to right-click the wireless icon and disable the card. the round-about route would be to open up the Device Manager and disable the card from there. both options suck. once the card is disabled, the icon no longer shows up in the System Tray and you have to drill into Network Connections to enable it from there. i could have written an essay in that time.

what i wanted was a shortcut to the program that controlled the wireless service so that i could just use Launchy to enable/disable the wireless card. unfortunately, no such Windows program, .exe, .dll or .bat file exists.

time for research. so i googled up two sites that each did half of what i wanted.
the first directed me to a neat utility Microsoft has: DevCon, a command line version of the Device Manager. using DevCon, i am now able to execute enable/disable commands to any hardware device on this computer, provided that i know the hardware ID. the site provided details on how to determine the IDs and how to use them in the command line.

ex. typing in "devcon disable *DEV_4220*" into the command prompt will turn off my wireless card. replacing "disable" with "enable" will turn it back on. this is still a handful to type each time.

as it turns out, command-line commands can be written as a .cmd file, essentially a pice of programming script that runs as if you typed the commands into the prompt. so the second site gave an example of just such a script. i modified it for my computer.

;Disable Wireless.cmd
;
@echo off
echo Disabling wireless card...
devcon disable *DEV_4220*
echo Done.

echo " " is just asking the command-line interface for feedback, indicating where in the program it currently is. ; " " are comments and not read by the compiler.

i saved this file (and the enable version) as .cmd files, placed them somewhere safe and created shortcut in my shortcuts folder for Launchy to index.

after some time of gloating and feeling proud of myself, i wondered what else i could script to make life easier...

sometimes, the wireless connection is spotty due to the router being unable to establish an IP address or somesuch wireless networking mumbo-jumbo. i normally fix that by going into the command prompt and typing:

ipconfig /release
ipconfig /renew

this does exactly the same thing that clicking Repair on your wireless connection does. armed with new knowledge, i decided it was time i stopped typing it all out by hand like a sucker.

;Repair Wireless Connection.cmd
;
@echo off
echo Releasing IP Address...
ipconfig /release
echo Renewing IP Address...
ipconfig /renew
echo Done.

i saved this script, shortcutted it as well.

i feel like a winner.

the Mystery of Women: Episode 1

women are a mystery. this is by design; everything is on the inside. men, who have (almost) everything on the outside, cannot even begin to comprehend the mysteries locked away in the opposite sex. in this new series, exclusive to pocketfish, i will explore the uncharted and give men everywhere (that read this blog) a fighting chance.

in this first installment of The Mystery of Women (MOW), i will reveal the answer to the question that has been burning on the minds of men since the Pyramids were first conceived: how do women make those towel turbans?

the towel turban has baffled men for many generations. a towel is a large rectangle of cloth; how can it possibly be tranformed into something so elegant as a turban for wet hair? why have we been scrubbing our heads like idiots when we could be letting them dry by turban? it must be magic.

my brothers, the towel turban is not magic. to make a towel turban, you will need the following:

• 1 towel
• 1 head

step-by-step:

1. hold ends of towel so that its length is perpendicular to you
2. bend your body so that you are facing the ground
3. drape the centre of the towel over the back of your head so that the two ends dangle on either side
4. twist the two lengths of towel together as if making a unicorn horn until there is no more slack
5. holding the two entwined ends tightly, stand upright and drape the 'horn' over the top of your head
6. tuck the ends under the portion of the towel covering the back of your head
7. show your wife, girlfriend, sister and/or mother and gloat

so there you have it, an age-old mystery solved. how impressed will your lady friend be when you offer to wash her hair and then wrap her lucious locks in a towel turban for drying?

The Journey to the Office of Convocation: A Hero's Quest for Validation

looking out across the way to the castles in the distance, i stopped to steel myself for the journey ahead. there would be many obstacles to overcome this day, least of all the November chill, so i put on my Scarf of Warmth and Asthmatic Prevention to protect me from the elements and Asthma.

the first obstacle was the crossing of Bloor, a swift-flowing river of metal that stopped for nothing save for red light. the only way i could cross the Bloor was to find some red light and block the river's flow. there was a lantern, strung up high, that periodically changed colour. there were only so many colours in the spectrum; surely it would turn red at some point. and it did. the river, for a moment, stood still and i crossed unimpeded. truly, God was with me on this day.

the journey was long and arduous and though i trekked southward, the cold did not abate. fortunately, i was also equipped with Gauntlets of Soft Almost-Fuzzy Skin, that preserved my precious digits. the ground appeared to be littered with leaves, normal for this time of year, but they were clearly EZ-Slip Leaves (buy a bag! fool your friends! embarrass your enemies!) planted by some nefarious villain who found delight in the misfortune of others.

the land i was traversing was ruled by a tyrant. times have been hard for the proletariate with the oncoming winter and the exorbitant taxes the tyrant must be exacting to fuel the hearthfires of his extravagant manse. no denizen of this district offered cheerful welcome as denizens are often seen doing in other lands.

in due time, i struck westward for my destination as per the instructions i received from Gugel, the chief cartographer of the land of Int Ernet. where was my destination, the humble reader might ask? i was on my way to confront the diabolical Office of Convocation and reclaim what was rightfully mine: a parchment bearing the seal of Ut, confirming my ascension to the rank of gentle.

but there was one more obstacle to surpass. the land was being retilled and retrodden by orange henchmen of the tyrant, riding enormous yellow dragons. i knew they posed little danger, as yellow dragons are herbivorous, but their girth was an impediment. i had to take the long way.

the long way was through the Valley of the Vomit-Swamp. the land itself was easily navigated and there was no treachery beneath each step, but travellers would usually be dissuaded from passing through the Valley of the Vomit-Swamp because it was an affront on the olfactory sense. it smelled like vomit, hence the name. fortunately, my Scarf of Warmth and Asthma Prevention had been enchanted with the charm of Neutral Aroma for such an occasion.

the Office of Convocation was hidden in a tower just beyond the swamp. the tower was oddly unguarded. perhaps i was expected and a trap was laid out. i marched up 3 storeys before i found the Office. at long last, after much wearisome travel, bitter cold and vomit-smell, i had reached my destination.

the door was locked.

there was someone inside; i could see her through the window. she opened the door, stepped out, and closed it behind her. obviously, this was a guardian troll. odd how she was not hairy in all the wrong places like a regular troll. there must have been budget cuts.

"are you here to pick up your diploma?"

"yes," i said, in my talking-to-trolls voice.

"we're closed at the moment, but i'll be back in five minutes." with that said, she stalked past me and into a rather large dumbwaiter. here i was, all prepared to challenge this troll to armed, and probably mortal combat, with nothing to show for it.

when two whole minutes had passed, another guardian troll opened the door and allowed me passage. this one was even less troll-some than the last. it dawned on me that the real trolls must have been on strike. these non-trolls were more than happy to open doors, be communicative, have hair in the proper places, let you cross bridges, etc. i gave her my identification and she gave me my diploma. i slipped it into my satchel, which was just the right size, and departed from the Office of Convocation with every limb intact and not a drop of blood spilled. what a rip-off.

Nerd Corner: RSS

a year or two ago, back when i was a newb just discovering Firefox, i began to notice something on the internets: this on the far right of my address bar. it would show up on certain sites, mostly blogs. and i thought to myself, abuh? i clicked it and up popped a dialogue that said, would you like to subscribe to the rss/atom/xml feed of [insert site name]? since i was but a wee newb, i reacted the same way i did to every new and foreign computer geekery that cropped up. click cancel. forget about it.

no big deal. i continued to use computers with no ill effect. i did not have to pay extra money, as subscriptions tend to convey a sense of fees. i continued to browse my usual sites, streamlining my browser with keyword bookmarks or icons on a toolbar for quick access during daily updates. i got into a pretty good groove.

one day, i thought, there has to be a more efficient way to get updates to news, blogs, etc, rather than going to each and every site and waiting for them to load. i scanned the memory banks (in my head) and some keywords kept cropping up: subscribe, rss, atom, xml, feeds, aggregator; especially on the gadget/geekery blogs. well, i thought, geeks do know all about efficiency... maybe there is something to this rss business. time for research.

the first stop on the research express is wikipedia. click the icon shown above to see the entry for RSS. it'll tell you everything you need to know in technical terms. here's the plain-speak summary. most blogs have an alternate page that is stripped down to only text and relevant images and links, like the little newsreel that scrolls by on news-centric tv channels. plug the URL of that alternate page into a Feed Reader or Aggregator, and you can see all the new (and old) posts from every website you subscribe to all in one place.

this would be where i normally write a massive how-to guide, but i'm pretty sure most of my readers are already utilizing feeds to cut down on internet reading time and maximize on internet playing time. if not, now you know about it and are free to muck about until you find something you like. i use Google Reader because it is simple, web-based (therefore anywhere), free, and i already have a Google Account. here are some other options.

up until this very morning, i had been checking this blog's comments using an email notification sent to hotmail because i don't want what is essentially non-essential mail clogging up the accounts i actually check and because when i'm on msn, it will notify me. as i got to thinking about writing this episode of Nerd Corner, i thought, dude, isn't there an RSS feed for blog comments? i know i saw something about it in the settings. so i checked the settings and yes, it exists, but it conveniently neglects to give the URL.

in order to proceed, i could a) research or b) take the existing URL for regular posts and tweak it for comments and see if it works because URLs, for the most part, are coded with actual information (e.g. server name, script type, etc). so i scanned my subscriptions for blogger accounts, and mentally reverse engineered the template for Blogger feeds:

http://[blogname].blogspot.com/feeds/posts/default?alt=rss

so the address for this blog's feed would be http://pocketfish.blogspot.com/feeds/posts/default?alt=rss. for no particular reason, i intuit that substituting the word 'posts' with the word 'comments' would probably net me the feed url for this blog's comments feed: http://pocketfish.blogspot.com/feeds/comments/default?alt=rss. now i have one less reason to use hotmail. bonus!

how to have a good day

on a whim, i decided to have a good day today.

it was icy from the previous day's freezing rain, i had intended to wake up early and leave early. i woke up later than i wanted to. i left the house later because my mom thought i should have more lunch; you can never have too much lunch. i drove slower over the icy snowy patches of road. i decided to turn onto McNicoll from Middlefield because the usual route of Huntingwood to McCowan was likely treacherous. McNicoll was virtually ice-free, so i thought i could make up some time. though it was ice-free, it was not police-free and i fell into my first ever speed-trap and got my first ever speeding ticket. i felt like a real grownup =D

the officer was very courteous and professional, and i, in turn, was very nice and calmly contrite. he kindly lowered the noted speed from 18 km/hr to 10 km/hr above the 50 km/hr limit, setting me back only $40 and foregoing any issue with demerit points; i did not even have to ask. i highly recommend getting ticketed by this officer if you ever need to commit a minor infraction.

the remainder of the trip to McCowan station was uneventful and the RT made good time to Kennedy station. i picked the train with the most people in it, because when you see two trains at Kennedy, the one that has accrued more passengers is the one that has been there longer, and thus would be the one that leaves the station first. i stood there for an interval of time before the PA informed everyone that there was a train stoppage due to a track-level incident at Jarvis and that trains should start up again once that was cleared up, sorry for the delay and inconvenience. a couple of minutes later the PA informed everyone that there was a power outage at High Park due to a security breach and that they were sorry for the delay and inconvenience. as i contemplated whether or not to check the time while standing in a train that was starting to resemble a sardine can, the PA came on once more to inform us that trains would be turned around between Keele and High Park and between Kennedy and whatever station is next to High Park and that they were sorry for the delay and inconvenience. i thought it would be better if i didn't check the time.

the train ride was uncomfortably cramped, with most people standing precariously between handholds. i saw a woman fall into a girl's lap. i saw people squeezing into already cramped quarters and sucking in bellies to allow doors to close.

i hustled up to class and checked the time once i got into the room. it was 5 minutes past 8:30. after all that, i was only five minutes late and the class had not actually started yet.

after class, i sought to get some work done. i had brought my computer downtown so that i could do an assignment or two while waiting for my 3 o'clock class. there was an empty socket near a table and i snapped it up, brought out all my stuff, set up the computer to go and found that it was running off the battery. the socket was a dud and held no current. i packed everything back up and went up to the mezzanine floor (between 1st and 2nd) because there were individual study spaces up there that generally have sockets. i toured the entire floor; all the sockets were in either locked rooms or occupied rooms, i finally found one at the end of my circuit around the floor, right under a desk next to the stairwell door. beggers can't be choosers.

i did half an assignment and read a few chapters of the curious incident of the dog in the night-time (which is a really good book) and listened to Beethoven's 6th Symphony (which is a really good symphony). during that time, i briefly chatted with friends and colleagues that passed by. one had actually scheduled to meet me there through msn because she had missed yesterday's classes due to the ice.

i went to my 3 o'clock class at 2, because i like being early and i don't like being late. the room, which is noramlly filled with a 1 o'clock class, was empy. i decided to settle in to eat lunch and read some more. i was joined by another peer who had the same plan that i did. after awhile, i had to go pee. so i went to go pee.

by some inexplicable sequence of events, i bruised my left hand on the urinal.

when i returned to the classroom shortly thereafter, i chatted with the guy who was also there; he had tired of reading. after talking a bit about our respective placements, he tired of talking and took a nap. he was soon replaced by another student who felt much more inclined to chat and i repeated the same stories i told about my teaching placement that i had told about 17 times since tuesday.

after class dispersed at 5, i had to hustle to the station because i was slated to do an AV training at the church at 6, without incurring another ticket on the day. i arrived at about 6:03 to find that none of the trainees had arrived. as the wait progressed, it turned out most of the ones who were supposed to show up did not. due to the lower numbers (3), i was unable to do the cool illustrative games i had spent thursday night planning.

"dine and pray" was relaxing as usual, but it was only me and the LG, so we traded happy stories (i told some of this one) and then watched the pilot for Chuck.

after that i had dinner at the local fast food establishment, where we bumped into Dorcas and our mutual friend, whom i just had class with a few hours prior. i had a baconator and a baked potato, to which Yam kindly supplied a healthy dollop of chili.

what does celery do?

i got an email from Friendster to update me on some changes to someone's profile.
i don't have a Friendster account. spooky.

the name was not familiar and neither was the face. now who the diddly would have my address AND want to send me things? a mystery was afoot, and since i'm trying to get Nancy Drew's attention, i thought solving it would be the most excellent way.

while the name was unfamiliar to me, the combination of her name, location and other profile information led me to conclude that this was someone from the Christian Chinese circle. i have a few massive lists i could've looked through: softball, ACF, etc. i quickly skimmed the ACF mailing list that gets broadcasted everytime an email is sent (perhaps i should talk to them about bcc-ing); lo and behold, mystery girl's name and email were there. saved me the trouble of checking the softball list, which is in size 6 font; my eyes can squint no further. the curious thing is that the Friendster email was sent to GMail; the UTSC ACF mail goes to my UT account. more investigation required.

one of her pictures looked familiar. i think it was a group shot of another Chinese Christian Fellowship. a few months ago, i made a video slideshow for a big Joint Fellowship event that required some people to send me their fellowship photos. i think she was one of the people who sent me stuff. i cannot verify this as i cleaned out my UT account of those emails a couple of months ago when i switched to a different email client to manage the account.

anyway, i checked with one of my sources (people who know lots of people) and it turns out she went to the same high school that i did (as well as university). of course, in the process of reverse stalking, i've left internet footprints all over the place; i have the subtlety of an e-rhino.

Porcelain Philosophy 8: Love Actually

Love is energy; it is neither created, nor destroyed, but comes from the Source. Love has the potential to make you move, to do work. The magnitude of Love is directly proportional to how far you move, how hard you work, for what you love. Since it cannot be destroyed, Love can only be redirected or transformed. There are several types of Love (selflessness, comraderie, sensual), each manifested in a type of action (sacrifice, encouragement, transmission of goods, touch, etc.).

We are each given a capacity to Love and a certain amount of it to work with. We can grow to be entrusted with more; conversely, we can become damaged and less able to handle the full load. In times of plenty, we share what Love we have knowing more will come to fill the temporary vacuum (Love convection). In times of hurt, all we can do is give the Love that we cannot handle back to where it came from and hope that in the intervening time it will transform into something more manageable or that we will be able to strengthen enough to hold it again.

Porcelain Philosophy 7: Dealbreakers

i was asked recently if i had a checklist of qualifications or preferences for a spouse. while i don't have such a checklist, keen observers will note that i definitely have a type, which i can elaborate on in a future piece (or you can all just guess). what i can discuss today, however, are the dealbreakers: issues that invoke veto power and will stop me from starting something that i know will crash and burn.

The Hardlines

God:
first and foremost comes faith. there are a slew of reasons regarding obedience, but i think the most convincing argument for myself is a logical one. if my wife does not know God, she will certainly feel like the third wheel in the relationship. it is hardly a loving decision to put someone through that for the rest of her life.

Gender:
this is simply about having the right equipment to complete certain objectives in life, i.e. babies.

Parents:
if my parents, or her parents, do not give the okay to proceed, i would pack up, say thanks, and be on my merry way. i think God confirms a relationship primarily through the parents; who else on earth knows more about you than your parents? i know there are couples that get together and overcome parental pressure, galvanizing a "stronger" relationship, but i'm not that type of person. people that rebel against their parents, for whatever reason, will likely induce similar rebellion in subsequent children. i certainly do not want to get into disputes with potential in-laws. if her parents cannot respect me, there is no way i would let someone i care about get caught in the crossfire; better to cut ties and spare everyone the grief.

Self-Esteem:
i have trouble with girls that hate themselves and who God made them to be; they constantly think they are ugly and/or stupid or some insane dreck like that. i will not brook insult to my superbly refined taste in women.

Some Flexibility Afforded

Career:
i don't think i can see myself marrying a teacher. this is not because teachers make terrible spouses or parents (or else i lose). a teacher couple could potentially both be home after school to spend time with their kids, spend entire summer vacations at home or travelling as a family, etc. this is because i know that we teachers will go on strike every 4 or 5 years. if i married a teacher and we both had to go on strike, the family would suffer tremendously. though all the boons of having similar schedules would result in lots of good times, the threat of any prolonged stretch of strike is enough to cause me pause; this is not a risk i am willing to take without very careful, paranoid financial planning. flexibility is afforded to elementary school teachers or private school teachers (as they are from different unions), or in the event that i am no longer a high school teacher (although, by then, i fully expect to be wed).

advance to next checkpoint

i smiled because i didn't have to teach today; all my lessons were done.
i smiled because my evaluation was submitted; i had done well.
i smiled because i was happy to have made new connections and gained new friends.
i smiled because my students stopped on the way out to say goodbye and goodluck.
i smiled because it hid the pain of leaving.

Chuck vs The Sandworm

Morgan: Ellie, let me ask you a question. Am I the kind of guy you would categorize as... immature?

Ellie: Do you really want me to answer that?

Morgan: Yes. Be straight with me; fire away, both barrels --

Devon (AKA Capt. Awesome): Would you mind stepping into the kitchen with me, Morgan? (to Ellie) I'll handle this one, honey.

Morgan follows Capt. Awesome into Ellie's bedroom. Morgan pauses at the door.

Morgan: Ellie's room. (inhales deeply) Wow.

Capt. Awesome: There comes a time in a man's life when he reaches... well, a crossroads; (as he leads Morgan to the mirror) a time when he must ask himself, "Am I a tucker?"

Morgan glances about, confused

Capt. Awesome: I'm talkin' about your shirt, Morgan. I wasn't always a tucker, you know. Then, one day, it just happened.

Morgan: How do you know it's time?

Capt. Awesome: Just feel it. Go ahead, tuck her in. See how she feels.

Morgan: (as he buttons his shirt) aw, I don't know. Nah, nah, I'm just kinda happy with how my shirts hang there.

Capt. Awesome: C'mon. You're safe in here.

Morgan: Um... (exhales deeply)

Capt. Awesome: Tuck her in.

Morgan: I don't know if I'm ready --

Capt. Awesome: Do it.

Morgan clears his throat and tucks his shirt into his waistband.

Capt. Awesome: Mm hmm.

Morgan: (exhales) I don't know. I- I kind of feel like my- (whispers) my junk's out there for the whole world to see.

Capt. Awesome: Maybe that's the point, Morgan. Maybe that's the point.

"Illusion, Michael."

in the Loo

there is a building that was built to look like a microchip. it's good to see educational institutions frivolously frittering away the money of its students on fanciful architecture. i would like to have a word with that whosit that signed that work order.

i visited Waterloo with the Ladies on saturday for what i thought was my first time. once we arrived at St. Jacob's Farmer's Market, i realized that i had been there with family before; it was more fun this time around. we shared a beef doner stuffed pita thingie, half a dozen perogies, a cabbage roll, two hot apple ciders and six apple fritters. it was like stepping off the curb and getting hit by a bus full of tasty. all three of us were in a seriously giddy mood even after a seriously giddy friday, so the subsequent road trip and tour of the city held some memorable bon mots.

alison and kevin graciously showed us around campus even though they had work to do. the library was as dichotomous as they described it. on one side were tables and chairs and a din of about 60 dB. just two columns of bookshelves over, there were batteries of study booths in which it was quiet enough for anyone to a) study; b) sleep; c) watch anime on a laptop, without being disturbed.

there was a science building with a mini museum/science centre in it. i was very psyched to see dinosaur fossils (though they were replicas); they had the usual suspects: tyrannosaurus, deinonychus, parasaurolophus and i think there was also a velociraptor model. there were also a slew of gems (mostly amethyst) and some ammonite shells. highlight of the tour, by far.

after the tour, we dropped off alison to work, and picked up jacqueline to go grocery shopping and have dinner with the main group of visitors (aletheians). good times.

"What Physics Teachers Do During Breaks"

last week, a student asked me
and my associate teacher very seriously,
"sirs, do you talk about physics all the time?"
and i replied, very seriously, "yes. yes we do."
i had meant to be glib, but it was true.
her eyes widened in genuine surprise
and she walked off to tell her friends.

---

today i received a free lecture on quantum physics, de Broglie's wavelength, Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle, wave-particle duality, Schrodinger's Equation, and the health benefits of eating salmon. i had forgotten how much i had forgotten from second year astronomy and quantum mechanics and electricity and magnetism.

it's not all physics and fish, however. sometimes we chat about computers, how crappy Microsoft is, why we will have to eat squid when we can no longer sustain cows, how one could go about teaching the Coriolis Effect to grade 10's, whether or not Tigerdirect is selling a Seagate Barracuda 500 GB 7200 rpm 16 MB cache hard drive for $110 when a Seagate Barracuda 500 GB 7200 rpm 8 MB cache is being advertised for $110 as well, etc.

North of Dupont

last night, i met up with a troupe of classmates from my Drama Strategies course to watch Hannah Moscovitch's "East of Berlin" at the Tarragon Theatre. it was an elaborate dramatic monologue of the son of a Nazi war-criminal trying to cope with the revelation of the atrocities his father committed. i have to write a review on the production and this is my sounding board.

it was a rainy night and far colder than i anticipated. i had to downgrade to a thinner jacket because it was far more waterproof than the slightly warmer one i went out the door with. i parked at mccowan and made the trip to Dupont station without any difficulty.

i had drawn myself a small map of the area with instructions on how to get from Dupont to Tarragon Theatre. i did not account for the lack of accuracy of the official Tarragon website's map. so when i thought i was to turn, i did and found myself on a road not mentioned on that map. so i doubled back and headed north on Spadina some more, to Davenport. then i headed west until i made it to another street i completely did not recognize. thus, i wandered midtown after sundown on a rainy and windy night for a good half hour before i decided to ask for directions. seeing as how i was supposed to meet my instructor at 7:30 for the tickets, i thought it'd be a good idea to be as not-late as possible.

as i turned about George Brown College campus for approachable faces, i saw a small, squat building with the word Tarragon fitted to the side with a dim light casting ominous shadows over the name. i made my way into the cramped foyer and found my classmates. i repeated "it's going great! how's yours?" about 13 times to everyone who asked how my placement coming along. inside the actual theatre was even less space, so i made my way to the back (the top) by the AV booth. lo and behold, the AV guy that squeezed past just before the show started was Kevin, from elementary school and high school. hoimin - 5 : Facebook - 0.

the play itself was well executed and at times uncomfortably intimate. the set was essentially a large stage-wide bookshelf that pushed its way halfway up the stage. i was quite glad to have been sitting in the last row. there was one character (out of three) in the play with the same name as me, so i heard people calling 'me' or referring to 'me' the whole night.

it was a fairly lengthy work for three people to perform, the bulk of it going to the main character. the humour was well-timed and tastefully understated, the dialogue was believable and often times truncated by very telling emotion. the themes and questions were grandiose and far-reaching, but also at times extremely personal. whole worlds would collide in the interactions of two characters, as each one carried personal and national baggage beyond their comprehension.

the main character was played superbly, unfortunately overshadowing the slightly above-average performances of the other two. the soundscape was chillingly authentic in its minimalism, complemented by the lighting. scene changes and props logistics were marvelously fluid and natural. that was my favourite part.

stupid feelings...

what i am i supposed to do with them?

i am hesitant to get too excited about this

but i have good news.

Announcement: Joss Whedon (Buffy, Angel, Firefly, Serenity) will be back on the small screen with a new show called Dollhouse.

the good news is that Joss will be a) back on tv; b) doing his own show; c) sidekicked by good buddy Tim Minear who was deeply involved in Buffy, Angel and Firefly; d) joined by Buffy and Angel alumnus, Eliza Dushku.

the premise is, like all Joss, part sci-fi, part social critique, and all quirk. there is an undergound (figuratively) facility known as the Dollhouse that houses an elite group of individuals who can be imprinted with a variety of personalities, abilities, skills, etc. to complete missions for the highest bidder. these missions can vary from sexual fantasies to clandestine operations. at the end of every mission, the 'doll' has his or her memory wiped and goes back to living a child's life within the Dollhouse. Duskhu plays the heroine of the show, Echo, who begins to retain snippets of her memory. it is a very Phillip K. Dick sort of premise, where the sci-fi takes a backseat to the story, but still permeates every level of it to serve not only as a plot driver but also a character builder.

what Whedon has done so very well in the past is getting his actors to play completely different characters within the reality of a particular show. there was an episode of Buffy in which Buffy and Faith switched minds, or when Willow encountered a dimensionally translocated vampire version of herself. Dollhouse provides that opportunity on a weekly basis. Dushku is a proven talent. her character on Buffy was originally intended for a five episode arc, but she was so good that they kept her for the rest of the season (and then some).

the bad news is that this show is slated to run on FOX. this is the same Fox network that showed Whedon's last gem (Firefly) out of order, changed the schedule willy-nilly and unmarketed it to the point where they felt justified in cancelling it. this is the same Fox network that gave Tim Minear's last project (Drive) two episodes before pulling the plug. this is the same Fox network that killed Arrested Development. i HATE Fox.

on top of that, there is some writers guild strike about to go down, so even though Fox has signed on for seven episodes, it will be quite some time before we see anything. and since i've finished rewatching every episode of Buffy and Angel and seen every episode of Firefly 3 times (at least) and Serenity about 5 times, i'm jonesing for some new Joss. speaking of new Joss, tonight's new episode of The Office, 'Branch Wars,' is directed by Joss Whedon.

catch-22

no study = fail
study = no fail
no study + study = no fail + fail
(no + 1)study = (no + 1)fail
study = fail

i was passed this little gem today.

why i'm bad at conversation

1. i don't ask questions very often
2. my mind wanders when others speak
3. i often guess what people are about to say and say it
4. it is uncomfortable for me to keep eye contact
5. my mind works faster than my mouth moves
6. i like the sound of silence
7. i don't know what to do with my facial expressions when someone is speaking
8. i say things in my head before i say them outloud and it feels like i'm repeating myself
9. i tend to mumble parenthetically
10. i say the most awkward things

Opera 9.5 Beta

at the beginning of September, i posted about the public alpha release of Opera 9.5, codenamed Kestrel.

[marketing spiel] included in the alpha, and now given a name, is the Opera Link service. it is essentially an online repository for your browser's bookmarks, personal bar settings and speed dial sites, allowing you to synchronize any computer or mobile phone running either Opera 9.5 or Opera Mini 4. the process is simple, painless and works in the background. you can turn it on or off at your leisure. if you have multiple computers and a mobile phone with wi-fi capability, this handy feature will save you a bundle of time. there is also a web interface for firefox/ie/safari users who use Opera Mini on their phones.

9.5 is a significant evolutionary upgrade from the latest stable release, Opera 9.24. as i mentioned before, the rendering engine has been retooled for greater performance both in speed and resource usage. it will bridge the gap between 9.2x and Opera 10 (Peregrine), as most of the backend of the browser will be in 9.5. Peregrine will improve on the user interface, cross-platform compatability and usability and new tools for web developers.

[/marketing spiel]

i downloaded it this morning. i only just got home to install the beta over the alpha. so far it has not exploded. it feels snappier than the alpha (i was using an early public build as the later versions tended to crash when using Google Reader). i just signed up for the Opera Link feature a couple of nights ago before it was publicly named. it has not caused any problems, although i don't exactly have any other computers or mobile devices to actually try it out on. i just signed on so in the event my settings get wiped, or i decide to clean up my browser profile, i'll have an easy way of getting it all back. and when i eventaully migrate to a mac and need to install Opera 10 on it, i'll be set. can one of you mac users please try out the beta on OS X (Leopard leaps tomorrow, btw)?

all the rendering glitches in Blogger seem to have been ironed out as well. the glitches i've been putting up with in GMail have also been cleaned up (paragraphing, not being able to read text that i've typed unless i press enter before typing, crashing if i type then go back and press enter... it was a chore). Google Reader seems to be running without trouble. i am well pleased.

i heard the best chemistry riddle today...

What would be more likely to dissolve in water, a bear from Alberta or a bear from Nunavut? Answer: a bear from Nunavut, because it would be a polar bear.

if you liked that one, you might be tickled by this.

[edit]browsing about, i found something very mindboggling and hilarious. some guy wrote a personal ad on craigslist mathematically proving why you should go out with him. inspired by Dating Pools.[/edit]

[another edit]okay, just one more for tonight.[/another edit]

because everyone else is talking about it...

this is for the Potter-heads in my readership (all 4 of you that i know of)...

i heard today from a student today that Dumbledore had been outed by his author as a homosexual. this is not a spoiler because it is an irelevant contextualization. this was revealed well after the stories were published and released, and only came about because some insightful reader asked Rowling if Albus Dumbledore ever found true love. if anything, this charges [spoiler] Dumbledore's defeat and imprisonment of Grindelwald [/spoiler] with significance hitherto unforeseen.

naturally, there has been an outpouring of crazy from both ends of the spectrum (e.g. "you ruined Harry Potter for me and now i can't imagine Dumbledore without visualizing him with another man"). in the midst of the crazy, one voice piped up to lay down some fine editorializing. yes, you can all have opinions, but there is a certain level of decorum expected when you express them, especially in a public forum. so i uphold the linked article (mild spoilers) as a model of expressing an opinion in a decorous and well-reasoned manner.

research is a great cure for unsubstantiated ranting and raving.

how do i say this without sounding full of myself?

every once in awhile i will mentally poll myself for weaknesses that i might be able to improve upon, or at least prop up with a stick, and i came upon one that is potentially disastrous if not taken care of. as Mellyee can attest, i have no idea what to do if i am the target of unwanted female attention. it's not that common a situation to come across, but the tides of society have shifted in recent decades -- i'd probably feel more insulted than relieved if it has never happened.

my fear is that there might be someone attracted to me who will be hurt when i pursue another. in the past, once i noticed the attraction (or had it brought to my attention by the more astute) i would raise the deflector shields and divert remaining power to the awkwardness; or, when i am feeling less noble and more desperate, i might just enjoy the free attention. either option, i'm sure you will all agree, is pretty terrible.

so, fair readers, i ask for your advice and/or experiences in the matter. what are some of the signs that someone is interested? how should a guy properly dissuade a girl from lavishing him with attention that he cannot reciprocate in good faith? how can he do so without embarrassing her or incurring future wrath and/or blood vengeance?

gobsmacked

i have been given too many blessings to count. even in the most optimistic light i can hardly be considered deserving of any of these gifts.

my associate teacher just gave me everything he had on grade 12 Physics -- lesson plans, unit plans, assignments, previous tests, exams -- things that would normally take someone starting from scratch two or three years to develop and another five years to develop well. i did not ask him for it and i certainly have not earned it yet, seeing as how today was the second of two orientation days; i haven't even started my placement.

i have just been given 15 years worth of experience to do with as i please. i have been guided and molded, poked and prodded into someone with the passion, ability, and training to put it to good use.

this is the answer to my prayer for more land. this is the answer to my prayer for more responsibility, for more blessings, for more talents, so that i could do more and be more for God. with an answer like this, i have no need to fear inadequacy, nor worry about what trials may come.

so here is me, on the raggedy edge of the rest of my life, exactly where i should be.

all growed up

yesterday, i paid my first credit card bill (ever). i had put off using it until september. i also took the car to get its oil changed since i had the day off. i'm feeling rather aged.

today was the first of two orientation days at my first placement of teachers college. i got all dressed up to differentiate myself from the students so that i wouldn't get kicked out of staff rooms and what not. for every first day of work i've ever had, i've worn my shiny red shirt. it's not actually shiny. i recently acquired some khaki Dockers and remembered that i had brown shoes and a brown jacket. before i knew it, i was dressed like this, sans suspenders and gun.

anyway, i met up and shadowed my Associate Teacher. turns out he also went to OISE, before it was called OISE and had the same physics instructor that i do now. he also did graduate work at UTSC so he knows my undergrad program coordinator there as well. we have eerily similar philosophies about teaching and about physics and he is much nerdier than i am with spreadsheets (i know!). he is definitely a polymath; not of the rote memorization sort, but rather the holistic everything-is-connected sort (which i also fancy myself as being). i think he'll appreciate having someone else to gadget-talk with; he is the department's resident tech consultant (which i usually get defaulted to in most cases).

the one in which i pretend thatsomeone loved me for a little while

when i close my eyes and look real hard, i can see just how far away you are from all the moments we once shared (like the grass-green grass that stood yea tall, the sky-blue sky and the cotton-ball cloud that you thought was a bunny tail); you are so far away it seems i can only see the memories intermingled with scraps of melodies that remind me of how we once had dreams.

i ate some of the snomit and it was difficult.

since arthur's out for the weekend, lyris and i supervised Hosanna's program: Fear Factor. i ate some very incongruous food items. the worst, by far, was the banana mash with kiwi, raw onion bits swirled within a mixture of vinegar. it looked like snot and tasted like vomit.

when the girls cleaned up their stations, they got washcloths to wipe the table and brush crumbs and particulate matter into the plates for disposal.

when the guys cleaned up their stations, they got half a stack of paper towel and created lovely piles of used paper towel on the table and on the floor. then they rubbed them in each other's faces.

Taylor Mali - What Teachers Make

also titled: "Objection Overruled", or "If things don't work out, you can always go to law school"

By Taylor Mali

a fellow student shared this with my english class.



read-along! since it is transcribed, the structure is probably not as he wrote it, but my best approximation given what i might have done if i were the author.

He says the problem with teachers is,
"What's a kid going to learn from someone who decided
his best option in life was to become a teacher?"

[laughs]

He reminds the other dinner guests
that it's true what they say about teachers:
That those who can, do; those who can't, teach.

[laughs]

I decide to bite my tongue instead of his
and resist the urge to remind the other dinner guests
that it's also true what they say about lawyers,
Because we're eating, after all,
and this is polite conversation.

"I mean, you're a teacher, Taylor,
Be honest. What do you make?"

And I wish he hadn't done that
(asked me to be honest), because you see,
I have a policy about honesty and ass-kicking:
which is, if you ask for it,
then I have to let you have it.

You want to know what I make?

I make kids work harder
than they ever thought they could.
I can make a C+ feel like
a Congressional medal of honor
and I can make an A- feel like
a slap in the face.
"How dare you waste my time
with anything less than your very best."

You want to know what I make?

I make kids sit through 40 minutes of study hall
in absolute silence.
"No, you cannot work in groups."
"No, you can't ask a question, so put your hand down."
"Why won't I let you go to the bathroom?
Because you're bored and you don't really have to go, do you?"

You want to know what I make?

I make parents tremble in fear
when I call home at around dinner time:
"Hi, This is Mr. Mali, I hope I haven't called at a bad time,
I just wanted to talk to you about
something your son did today. He said,
'Leave the kid alone. I still cry sometimes, don't you?'
And it was the noblest act of courage that I have ever seen."
I make parents see their children
for who they are and who they can be.

You want to know what I make?

I make kids question. I make'm criticize.
I make'm apologize and mean it.
I make'm write, write, write, and then I make'm read.
I make'm spell definitely beautiful, definitely beautiful,
definitely beautiful, over and over again,
until they will never misspell either one of those words again.
I make them show all their work in math.
And then hide it on their final drafts in English.

I make'm realize that if you got this [points to head]
then you follow this, [points to heart]
and if someone ever tries to judge you, based on what you make,
you give them this! [brandishes finger]

Let me break it down for you,
Let me break it down for you,
so you know what I say is true:
I make a [gorram] difference!
Now, what about you?

TV time

the beginning of the school season also marks the beginning of the television season and the hockey season; it also marks the beginning of my descent into academic purgatory on account of all the above.

anyway, here is a list of the stuff i am watching, or will be watching, in case you are interested (since i have good tv taste, right?).

Avatar: The Last Airbender - Book 3: Fire
Genre: Animated Action/Comedy
though it is aimed at the under 18 demographic, the show's depth, excellent writing, spot-on character voicing and stellar animation sets it a cut above all other kids shows. season 3 was originally slated to be the final act of the 3-part story, but it looks like there will be 3 more seasons following this one as well as a live-action movie trilogy helmed by M. Night Shyamalan.

Dexter - Season 2
Genre: Live-action Thriller/Drama/Comedy
the heavily serial nature of this show makes it difficult to watch part way through a season as themes, motifs and story arcs run season-long. but it also makes this show difficult to put down once you've started. i watched season 1 straight through in about 3 days. it walks a fine twisted line between the darkest abyss of human savagery and slightly off-beat black humour. unlike Avatar, i would not watch this with kids.

Pushing Daisies - Season 1
Genre: Live-action Fantasy Drama/Comedy/Procedural
this show just premiered last week and it has already hooked me. it might have something to do with the whacky premise. it might have something to do with the fantastic colours. it probably has a lot to do with the way it reminds me of Amelie. there was even a scene in the pilot episode ("Pie-lette") that had a song from Amelie playing in the background. the lead actress, Anna Friel, reminds me of the canceled Standoff's Rosmarie DeWitt.

Smallville - Season 7
Genre: Live-action Action/Soap Opera
this is one of my guilty pleasures. the writing is crappy and sappy. half of the acting is pretty sucky. and again, the writing is REALLY REALLY crappy. but still i watch it. because it's Superman, pre-flight.

The Office - Season 4
Genre: Live-action Comedy
this show has almost everything i've ever wanted in a show: smart writing, humour (ranging from flagarantly crude to subtle snark), eye-candy, witty dialogue and videography, and characters that i care about. the only thing that's missing is action (but there is some of that).

come January, some other shows will be coming back:
Battlestar Galactica - Season 4
Genre: Live-action Science Fiction Action/Drama
this show can take you to moral, ethical, political, legal, social, and personal places you couldn't possibly grasp on your own. just because it is set in space does not mean they don't deal with racism, elitism, discrimination, love, justice, violence, etc. the dialogue is... not memorable, but the fully developed characters are. sometimes you'll find yourself saying, "Admiral Adama would not have allowed that," when watching the politcal reports on the news. sadly, season 4 will be the last one.

Psych - Season 2 (second half)
Genre: Live-action Procedural/Comedy
you know all those shows that have cropped up recently that are based on Sherlock Holmes? let me refresh your memory: House, Monk, Bones, CSI, blah blah blah... anyways, Psych is the funny version. it reminds me very much of Scrubs. it is a very self-aware comedy that is not afraid to poke fun of itself and the genre of police procedurals.

it doesn't matter what you throw into the pond;there will still be ripples

i've been meaning to write about this topic, but haven't been able to articulate myself to any degree of satisfaction. this is because it is part of a larger socio-psychological theory that i am currently trying to synthesize that requires a bit of background with the kinetic-molecular theory, the wave-particle theory, the resonance phenomenon, Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle and Vygotsky's theory of social transmission. at the moment, i do not have time to elaborate enough on all of them in any cohesive manner, and as such, you all remain woefully deprived of my brain-barf (in writing at least; i can probably speak about it).

today, however, i was shown the following video, which touches on what i wanted to say more succinctly and powerfully.



basically i've been noticing that we often make decisions for ourselves without really considering what affect it might have on those around us. my generation has been brought up not to worry about what others think of us (individually), but this only applies in the context of preserving self-esteem in the face of bullying. to extend this idealogy to all facets of life would be a mistake.

each and every person (that reads this blog at least) has someone in his or her life that respects him or her; that is to say that you all have an influence over someone or many someones. influence is a responsibility. so when you decide to do a big something, you have to remember that someone is watching what you do, without the benefit of knowing why you are doing it. this doesn't only apply to physical 'seeing'; your online actions, as well as your actions transmitted through hearsay, are also equally scrutinized. this is not to say that the Pharisees had the right idea about acting holier than thou art; their problem was that of hypocrisy -- it was all only an act.

though it is just a throwaway line that has become a catchphrase for a tertiary character in a long-running cartoon,

"Won't somebody please think of the children?" - Mrs. Lovejoy

still rings of truth.

practically speaking

last Thursday, a lady from student services at the school came to our class to brief us on what to expect for our practice teaching placements (practicums). much of it was usual stuff like police clearance to work in a vulnerable sector, checking with school administrators about parking situations, dress code, what to do if you get an associate teacher (the mentor) who foists all of his or her workload on to you from the get go, etc.

we were also warned about online issues. Facebook users were encouraged to set their profiles to private because students will inevitably look you up wherever they can (students who google me up will be in for a rude/pleasant surprise. i will probably have to lock down this blog for a brief period of time). instances of cyber-bullying have occured, among other things. we are also not to give out personal email addresses because some students will try to contact you out of adoration, or malice, depending on what sort of teacher you are. in her own words, "i remember falling in love with a student teacher when i was fifteen," so that made me feel icky for the rest of the day. so now, in addition to learning how to plan lessons, units, curricula and deal with the office politics and social situations that occur in school, i must also train myself to deflect misguided hormone missiles teenage puppy-love. i should get some bowling shirts.

i think it's envy

since i've started attending OISE, i've picked up the very sketchy habit of surreptitiously checking people for wedding rings. this is because i got tired of being surprised when someone in class casually referred to his wife or her husband when sharing with the class. also to see if the ladies are single, naturally.

in undergrad, most people are coming directly out of high school with a handful of very obviously career-folk coming back to school for extra learning or qualification. in graduate school, the demographic is very diverse. fresh out of undergrad students are a minority in teachers college. a good block of my peers are moving on to teaching from other careers they've decided to leave behind, or are recently immigrated to Canada and are seeking qualifications for continuing their careers here.

a good number of people at school are about-to-be-married, married, raising children, sending their children through post-secondary studies etc. there is an eye-opening amount of experience congregated here. sometimes i wonder what i'm actually bringing to the table.

peace by piece of muffin

of all the courses i'm taking, physics is the one that scares me most. the workload seems to be building up momentum, without me having to actually hand anything in yet. all the preparation for those big assignments are like the shadows that loom ominously as a sign of impending danger. every physics class, while fun and engaging and thoroughly edifying, is another chance to freak out about the future and the possibility of failure. my expectations for myself as a teacher are high, but i clearly have not fully considered the steps necessary to achieving such lofty heights.

as i ate my lunch and did some reading, suddenly very motivated to do course readings and take notes and prepare for future assignments (thank you motivational fear), my mind wandered. my mind wandered to the animals in the courtyard in which i sat (Munk building, pointed out to me by Catherine) and so i watched them.

i watched a squirrel nibble on berries in the bush along the building wall. i watched it climb into a tree and confront the incumbent squirrel; they stared at each other for the longest time before parting ways to different branches of the tree. i watched the sparrows flit about, dipping their heads below the grassline to pick up unseen food. i watched them chirp and chatter to each other.

i had a muffin; it had nuts.

i couldn't finish the muffin, so i disassembled bits of the stump and casually scattered little bits around the bench (the 'bench' was actually a long cement block and i sit there to eat on sunny days). first at quite some distance away; then a little closer and closer and closer. one sparrow saw the first offering and swooped in for a bite. more arrived to feast, never fighting, but noone waiting in line.

i tried to get some to land on the bench next to me so i could see them more closely; it was too early in the relationship for that. they did not mind hopping close along the ground though. at one point, i had about 4 birds within 14 cm of my foot. i stopped seeding the ground with muffin crumbs for awhile, but about a dozen birds remained in the vicinity, hopping around, occasionally peering at me with inquiring gazes.

22 [...] "For this reason I say to you, do not worry about your life, as to what you will eat; nor for your body, as to what you will put on.
23 "For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing.
24 "Consider the [sparrows], for they neither sow nor reap; they have no storeroom nor barn, and yet God feeds them; how much more valuable you are than the birds! [...]
29 "[Do] not seek what you will eat and what you will drink, and do not keep worrying.
30 "For all these things the nations of the world eagerly seek; but your Father knows that you need these things.
31 "But seek His kingdom, and these things will be added to you." - Luke 12

and so i was reminded.

squeam

hidden due to disturbing content.

this morning, i got to church early for service. on the footpath leading from the parking lot ot the church office there lay a dead mouse. and it wasn't just a mouse who had a very good night and died of a heart attack. this mouse would've been cute (as mice tend to be) had it not been for the unfortunate decapitation. now decapitation creeps me out the usual amount, but only if it is clean, insofar as getting your cappa detated is ever clean. the head was not cut off, it was torn off. about a third of the mouse's back skin was shorn from the musculature. if its head was on proper, it would have been face down in a pool of its own blood. i did not take a picture.

anyway. since it was early, i felt it was necessary to dispose of the body prior to kids arriving. now i generally love fuzzy animals, so seeing a dead mouse is no fun. seeing anything dead is no fun. seeing a dead fuzzy something that's showing inside bits is the least fun of all. i saw a dead raccoon behind the church office 'garage' once; it was slightly disemboweled and totally rigor mortised. i ran away like a freaked-out leperchaun.

it took me 3 minutes of staring at it to commit to cleaning it up. i went into the kitchen to search for possibly helpful supplies, preferrably things that would prevent me from making direct contact with the body. i found some work gloves that Art normally uses to mess around with the fire pits. i found a ziploc sandwich bag that looked big enough to hold and seal the corpse. i went back outside to grab a small branch so that i would not have to make contact with the gloves.

i put the gloves on and flipped the sandwich bag inside-out over my left hand. stick in hand, i stood over the poor little thing and spent 6 minutes screwing up the courage to proceed. i formed a pocket with the bag on my hand and positioned it behind the mouse, spreading my fingers wide so that i wouldn't actually have to even feel the body. i lifted the rear of the mouse with the stick and shifted it halfway into the bag. the front stuck to the sidewalk a bit because the blood had congealed. at this point i noticed that the head was still intact and had its eyes been open it would've been looking at me. fully committed, i torqued the body fully into the bag and quickly flipped it to hold the mouse on the inside. then i dropped the bag and silently squealed and skipped away (like a freaked-out leperchaun).

after i had composed myself, i picked up the bag, sealed it and dropped it into the dumpster. the stick i chucked away. back at the sidewalk, i pulled up the hose and sprayed away as much of the blood that i could. there were two patches: one was the original point of attack and the other was the final resting spot of the body. and that was how i started my day.

Procelain Philosophy 6: Sharing Pains

i'm not very good at sharing about myself; it usually takes an inordinate amount of effort for me to come up with an anecdote from my day. most of the time, the anecdotes i do have are about others and not myself.

much of it has to do with a guardedness that seemed to have appeared around the time of puberty that never exactly came down. if i remember correctly, prior to grade 7 i could unequivocally tell you exactly how i felt about a situation (sad, happy, mad) simply by the expression on my face. then one day i decided not to be such a crybaby and subconsciously took up partial stoicism. it certainly helps in shrugging off potential situations and issues before they can pick up momentum. apparently it is rather noticeable too, which i, ironically, did not notice until some people mentioned it.

another significant reason i can think of as to why i have difficulty talking about what went on in my day has to do with all the talking to myself that i do. when i'm not saying anything outloud, i am likely discussing something with myself, adopting various viewpoints and working out the reasons behind everything. by the time there is opportunity to talk to someone about a situation, i've already talked about it to death with myself. if i were to say it outloud, it would feel like i was repeating myself, and i don't like repeating myself because it seems inefficient.

perhaps my standards for what constitutes a good story to tell are too high. i know i dismiss certain events from my immediate memory for not being interesting enough to illicit a laugh (or emotional response in general; or lively discussion in the comments). i do consider myself to be a rather boring person.

so, the plan for this year (and on) is to spend more time outside my shell, take more risks and be more vulnerable to both good and bad things. letting bad things roll off my back and onto the floor is great and all, but if i don't learn to deal properly with the little bads, i won't be able to deal with the big bads that aren't as rotund when they inevitably rear their ugly heads.

breaking ice

today was my first official day of classes at OISE. i had physics in the morning (8:30) and english in the late afternoon (3:00). as is customary (and required by school policy), i was innundated with syllabi; every assignment, test, activity, mega-crazy group project was outlined with the mark and due date displayed.

i understand the reasoning behind giving out course outlines on the first day, going over course and school policies on behaviour, professionalism and plagiarism, but it makes it no less daunting. some of these assignments are not only massive, but very clearly above and beyond where i would guage my ability to be. for a couple of moments today, i contemplated freaking out (just a little bit) and considering other career options (birdwatching still very much in the picture).

fortunately, i've been reading ahead in my Psychological Foundations for Learning and Development class (which i will take for the first time next Thursday due to school policy regarding religious observances). Piaget surmised that learning and growth resulted from disequilibrium -- phenomena or situations that defy previously held schemes, beliefs -- forcing the mind to adapt and rethink and expand upon those old mental models to try and reach equilibrium again. learning is facilitated most readily in an environment that hits that sweet spot of disequilibrium: not too easy, not too hard.

this means getting uncomfortable and being unsatisfied with myself and striving for more out of myself. when first contemplating possible careers, i told myself that i would not want to do a performance related profession, like cooking, painting, acting, etc. naturally i chose the one career that makes you stand up in front of at least 60 people a day and interact with them in mindbogglingly creative, engaging and informative ways so that they can pursue fruitful careers and support their own livelihoods and the well-being of their families. no pressure. of course all of life is a performance and you'll always have someone watching over what you are doing and evaluating you. to prevent anxiety from taking me to an early grave, i must remember daily that i am performing for an audience of One (well, Three in One).

hopefully this will be reflected in my actions and choices as my instructors are taking the time to know their students personally with vested interest in our futures. it was somewhat surprising to find out that they followed the careers of the students they've taken under their wings quite religiously and it was totally encouraging; i am now full of courage.

new courage helps in first day situations. each class has 'forced' student interaction through a variation of the same icebreaking game: profile hunt. a certain quality or achievement is listed and you have to find a classmate who fits the profile (e.g. has at least two kids, fluently speaks at least 3 languages, has read at least one Harry Potter book). this forces us to talk to people and to try to get to know at least one thing about them.

i've played this game before and it can be done extremely shallowly if one so chooses. since these are going to be the people i am going to be stepping into the professional world with, i decided to strive for a little bit more than what was on the page. normally i abhor small talk, but it is much easier when you start by telling yourself, "i'm going to care about this person." then small talk is no longer small talk and it is big talk. as a result, i've made a new friend in my english class whom i can conveniently subway with on at least Tuesdays and Fridays because she lives in the east end around Tim and Viv, worked a summer with Edward "Mr. Technology" C. at Seneca, and is one of the bestest friends of Dorcas. i was struck dumb by the number of connections and amount of overlap with someone who was a complete stranger just seven hours ago. i so don't need Facebook.

Elisa - Eppure Sentire (Un Senso Di Te)

a un passo dal possibile
a un passo da te
paura di decidere
paura di me

di tutto quello che non so
di tutto quello che non ho

eppure sentire
nei fiori tra l'asfalto
nei cieli di cobalto c'è

eppure sentire
nei sogni in fondo a un pianto
nei giorni di silenzio c'è

un senso di te
c'è un senso di te

eppure sentire
nei fiori tra l'asfalto
nei cieli di cobalto c'è

eppure sentire
nei sogni in fondo a un pianto
nei giorni di silenzio c'è

un senso di te
c'è un senso di te

un senso di te...

my new favourite song of right now...
it's italian and i'm having difficulty translating the lyrics, due to not knowing Italian beyond a variety of pastas and musical terms. i've got most of it, thanks to babelfish, but the poetry of it does not seem to be there yet. if i get it, i'll post it.

i like it because it is moving; both rhythmically and emotionally dynamic. it's nothing fancy or groundbreaking, just... optimistic sounding.

not sure why she does that weird microphone waving thing effect, but i suppose it proves she's actually singing. look around on YouTube for studio versions.

psyched

you know what's a great way to start your first day of post-graduate education? waking up at 5 am because your alarm clock is screwy and changes the clock time if you change the alarm time too fast so i woke up an hour earlier than i wanted to on top of having trouble sleeping that night even though i tried to get to bed early in preparation of today's long day of lineups and information overload.

this year is going to plow past me so fast i will only really be ready for it after it has come and gone. first practicum in 6 weeks! Tuesdays and Fridays go from 8:30 to 10:30 and 3:00 to 5:00, one 2 hour lecture for each Teachable (English/Physics). Thursdays are the worst: 8:30 to 12:30 and 1:00 to 5:00 for a 4 hr Teaching Seminar and a 4 hr Psychology of Learning and Development lecture. Wednesdays are the best: 8:30 to 12:30 for my only elective, Drama Strategies for Teaching. everything is the same for next semester, except no class on Wednesdays and School and Society instead of psych. if anyone wants to hang out for lunch on TU/WE/FR, let me know.

chatted up some familiar faces (even one from high school, whom i've talked to maybe 2 times before) and got to know more recent ones a little better. don't actually know anyone in my cohort (YR/Durham region) yet. the new people that i did meet are all in different cohorts; slight chance i'll see them in a Teachable, if i remember what they look like and what their names are.

subwayed back to Scarborough with Helen, a UTSC classmate of the same program whom i only started talking to today, which made what would normally have been a snoozer of a trip rather pleasant. at every junction of the trip, i tried to gauge where the doors of the subways would stop by looking at the dirt patterns of the platforms and the arrayment of commuters (Psych powers) and got 2/3 tries; on the way to school this morning i guessed them all (2) correctly by intuition, which is cool but not as fun.

ouchies

i don't follow celebrity stuff that much, but i was browsing around looking for The Office updates when i decided to check on Pam Beesly's MySpace blog (Pam, played by Jenna, will often post while filming background scenes because pretending to work in an office is really just as boring as working in an office -- but their computers work). anyways, now i am vicariously crushed. click here if you are a snoop (it's not a spoiler, but it spoils something inside, that's for sure).

Kestrel (Alpha)

i write this post from Opera 9.5 Alpha, a public pre-release build of Opera's latest development, codenamed Kestrel. since it is an alpha-build, it is bound to be buggy, but so far i haven't had any problems with the usual browsing experience. i'm not a power-user by any stretch of the imagination. download here, from the Opera Desktop Team blog.

there are new features galore and most of them look promising. there isn't anything as big and flashy as Speed Dial, but mostly little minor usage improvements (click for video preview). my favourite so far is drag to scroll (opera:config#UserPrefs|ScrollIsPan).

the big thing that no one else really cares about (since only one or two other people reading this use Opera =P) is how my blog looks in the archive section:

Opera 9.23 vs. Opera 9.5 rendering of Blogger Archive Arrows

the downward pointing arrows render correctly, but the horizontal arrows are not. the top and bottom halves are overlapped, thus forming some manner of squished arrow. this is corrected in Opera 9.5.

most of the real changes are taking place under the hood, so everything is faster with an even smaller memory footprint. the mail client, M-2, as also been improved. i will likely begin to use it when 9.5 is truly released.

more than words

maybe it's because of the people i grew up with, or maybe it's because of my personality and predispositions, but i get rather jealous when people don't tease me. granted, not everyone is the type to do so; everyone expresses love in different ways. i can't take a compliment to save my life (a simple 'thank you' would suffice), but i just happen to be the type of person who truly appreciates the gesture of being farted on.

a good, loving inside-joke-jab-at-your-quirks is really quite rare and uplifting, in my opinion. it translates to, "i've taken the time to know you, all the good and the bad, and i wouldn't change you for the world," with varying levels of intimacy. so if i ever tease you, it's because i love you -- and possibly because you are an easy target.

Stardust

while life can sometimes be really, really good, it is, for the most part, mundane, trivial, routine and oh, so boring; this makes a person downright cynical.

once every ten years or so, a story comes along that lets you believe again in things like goodness, dream chasing and the magic of love.

Stardust is filled with legitimate adventure, suspense, romance, humor, pathos, and enough self-awareness to make it a worthy successor to The Princess Bride

- Daniel Carlson, Pajiba Critic

i haven't been this tickled and uplifted by a movie since Le Fabuleaux Destin d'Amelie Poulain (Stranger Than Fiction came close). it is, indeed, this decade's The Princess Bride, rife with fantasy, adventure, romance, suspense and just the right amount of self-awareness. the colours, the soundtrack, the acting are all spot on. even the plot twists you see coming are delightfully executed.

plainly put: gorgeous. i am smitten.

i will not write a review since the one linked in the title is more than sufficient (mild spoiler warning).

it is 4 am

do you know where your children are?

i'm up right now because there is going to be a total lunar eclipse starting at 0451. it will take about an hour for the moon to be fully eaten by the Earth's shadow. for another hour and a half, every wannabe sorcerer and witch in the Eastern Daylight Time zone will be hustling to perform those once-in-a-lifetime blood rites, or whatever it is those crazy cats are doing these days.

there's nothing special about a lunar eclipse other than turning the moon into a hue of red -- like some sort of apocalyptic sign. i really didn't have to wake up, but i said i would and i'm not about to give up free bragging rights. i've got plenty of time to sleep after sunrise (which i will probably watch as well).

so i will head out to stand around in my yard for two hours pondering the mysteries of life, love and ladles (big and little ones). maybe i'll practice some waterbending to pass the time (waterbenders are strongest when the moon is full).

EDIT: 0610
i'm back inside now.
instead of standing in the yard, i maneuvered a park bench to face the West. i sat down as the top of the full moon started to become obscured. at about 1/3 coverage, i went back inside to cook up some breakfast (many mini pizzas). i came back out while they baked in the toaster oven. in the meantime, the moon had the upper half of its face eaten by the shadow. it looked like a kitten head. i wish i had a camera capable of capturing the moon. little point-and-shoots don't really catch the details when shooting astronomical distances.

when i came back out after retrieving my many cooked mini pizzas, it looked like a squashed kitten head. i lounged on the bench, eating my many cooked mini pizzas as the moon turned red. it passed behind some powerline towers as the eclipse reached fullness. with a stationary point of reference, i could visably see the moon arcing down into the horizon. i lost it behind a house.

so then i turned my attention to the sunrise, which was hot on the heels of the moonset. having seen the sunrise many times before under more favourable waterside circumstances, and having run out of cooked mini pizzas, i decided to turn it in. on my way into my room, i saw my mom coming out of hers.