From the last post till now.. its just 3 months ago..
But things has changed! Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer in mid August, and mastectomy was done in early September. Initially, it was stage 2 when it first diagnosed with mammogram and biopsy. But, after the surgery they said its stage 4, mets to bone and possibly liver. She has difficulty in breathing, either due to pleural effusion or possibly mets to lung as well.
She has changed so much! From the active her, in just less than 3 months, she became so weak and thin. She is unable to perform her usual activities as she is always breathless, even ADLs also she can't met up to it. She is very depressed (i guess), whatever I told her to do she just refused. It seems she has gave up on it. I felt bad, because I told her after operation will be alright, but it turns out to be the other way. I could feel the whole world is coming down upon me. My dad and brother said that why did she want to do the surgery, and why I will allow her to do to so, ended up being so weak now. I am sad and at the same time, I did not what to do. Each day she is getting weaker and weaker... She went in ICU for almost 4 days post surgery due to difficulty in breathing, admitted twice again post surgery due to difficulty in breathing as well. She is dependent on the oxygen very much and very breathless on every movement.
What a hard life God has given her. She told me she wanted to go to Singapore end of the year earlier, and I told her to just go and I will give her the money. She even said that she wanted to go China.. But now, she is unable to go already. We were from a poor family, and she has to work her life for us. Even before she was diagnosed with breast ca, she was still working. I told her not to work as I can support her, but she said that she doesnt want to burden me, as I have my own family too. She told me she is still able to do so. I even offered her to come and stay with me, but she refused either. I told her that I am better off and financially quite stable now, but she told me that to keep for the little one.
I reminisced on the days how busy am I, ignoring most of her calls. I wished that she could still call me and talk like last time. This is not the same anymore, each call to her is just barely 2 minutes. She will tell me she is breathless. I told her to be strong and fight against it, she said yes she will but the fact is she is giving up on her life.
The 5 stages of grief reflects deeply to us...(Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance)
For mom: I think she is the depression stage. She must have thought that after the surgery she will be alright. But at the moment, not even medication or chemotherapy or radiotherapy is feasible for her. She is too weak for all this. She talks very less to me nowadays as well, whatever I told her, she just nodded.
For dad: He is still in anger stage. He is still scolding everyone esp mom as she accepted the surgery. He insisted that if she has not gone for the surgery, she will be better than now. He is angry with whatever methods or solutions that I provided to mom.
For me: I am in the bargaining stage a lot. I am bargaining with God, to prolong her life with being a vegetarian. Or I will love her more and will never ignore her calls, visit her more often. I am still in this stage very much.
I cant image what life will be if without her. I will miss all her cookings and voice, smile and advice. I will miss someone who will listen to all my grumbles, and sadness. I will miss someone who cares a lot about me and my little one. At one end, I hope that all her sufferings will end soon, but I didnt want her to leave us... I am very much regret that she has worked her life for us, but has no life to enjoy it. If given me another chance, I will take care of her even before all this happens... But she has done mammogram each year, and this year she just found the lump! The lump within a year has grown so big, and cost a life. She takes all the precautions, but it still happens. She wants to avoid it, but still has it. I know at this moment prolonging her life is very hard, i do not believe that miracle do happens.. I hope and will do my best to walk with her along this last journey of life...
PeiNee.
