2017

Hello, it's me. Are you even surprised that I'm late again? This time, I am signing in from a foreign country. Finally found the time to get started on this as I am en route to another city via train. 

Feels like I sort of glossed through the last part of the year... The last 2-3 weeks saw me making and agreeing to different plans, only to find myself rushing from day to day and place to place. I did make some of the year's best memories in this last chapter though, and for the second time, I quietly bade 2017 farewell with an intimate countdown. Can't keep up with fancy drinks and firework chasing anymore... Is this a sign of aging? 

I guess this was what this year was about for me - growing up. Apart of my increasingly achey body and wrinkly skin (hahaha), I think I have settled into my role as an adult. Believe I mentioned in last year's post that I had some important decisions/milestones ahead of me, and this year saw me reaching some of these checkpoints, and making plans for upcoming ones. Am I mentally ready for them? I'd say I'm not sure because the thought of them makes me jittery (not in a bad way though! If anything, I am happy and proud to take several leaps of faith) , but truthfully is anyone ever 100% ready for change? I'd like to think I've been coping well with all these changes and facing them as positively as I can hahaha. There's quite a few *exciting* plans happening this new year, and my hope is to face them bravely and give everything my best shot. Fingers crossed... 

I guess the biggest drawback of being a "grown up" is how your concept of time changes - suddenly you no longer enough of it. I mean, yes time has always been a scarce resource even as a child (rushing your holiday homework at the last minute, rushing to clean the house only when you hear the keys jangling the the door) but the "time flies" I'm talking about is realising only now people are growing old even though it's been happening right under your nose. I think it's very common to let new priorities take precedence and take things for granted, but lately I've come to realise how we cannot assume they will stay the same. The fact is change is constant. This year has been a wake up call, with many life-changing events happening amongst/to my loved ones and myself. You suddenly realise how little time you actually have with them, and it will only get less here on out. You tell yourself you don't have to worry because "there's still time" but it's funny how we procrastinate until we truly run out of time. I can't slow things down, nor can I buy more time, but I can only do my best to make the most of what I have. My next resolution will be to spend more time on things, and with people that genuinely matter. 

On a similar note, I realised that I am spend quite a bit (read: a lot) of time on my phone, particularly on social media. The thing is, I'm not exactly active; I don't like/post/comment/share - but I consume it all the time. On the way to places, during meals, before I go to bed etc. I know it isn't the most healthy activity but it's soooo addictive. I could always blame it on the nature on my job, but I am well aware it's just me. While social media is a great source of information for me (there is a lot of glut, but I learn something new almost everyday thanks to the interwebs hahaha) I feel like a lot of it has become emotional. Suddenly more people are putting themselves out there, showing the world their best sides and how happy their lives are, which is a good thing most of the time. But inevitably it makes you wonder about yourself and you start questioning and comparing your situation with others. My mind constantly drifts off to how I can improve things/could have done things better in hindsight, and as much as its always good to improve yourself, I think it creates a lot of self doubt and an inferiority complex. Of all people, I'd expect myself to be extremely aware of the mechanics behind social media and how most things are just a virtual facade, but on not-so-great days, they still get to you anyway. I guess I'd hope to pull myself away from that and be kinder, and less hard on myself. 

Moving on to the social aspect of things. This year brought several unexpected turn of events in terms of my social life. I've never been one who enjoys challenging the status quo, so I didn't have the most pleasant time when I was forced to burn bridges. We're they outcomes I'd hoped for? Probably not. Has my life changed for the better? In hindsight, I'd say yes. I had to go through some of the most gruelling points in my relationships with people close to my heart, and I was put through events that left me anxious, angry, disappointed and broken. I've been hurt many times in my life, but I don't think it scared me more than when the bad blood created greater problems and hurt other people around me. I think that was really when I realised I should draw the line, and that some choices are painful or uncomfortable, but eventually necessary. At this point, I think I'll still trying to make sense of what has happened, and try to feel less sore about these sombre incidents. I guess the only way I'll know if I've made peace with the situation is when I will stop thinking about them as often, and start wishing these long-gone people well. This is something I am still working on. 

Not all hope for mankind is lost though hahaha. This year, I/we have also reconnected with several people that I/we lost. For some of them, it did feel like at the back of our minds, they'd come back someday because we had a good relationship. I am heartened that every one of these "reunions" have been comfortable (and not awkward and cold), as though we've always been cool. Maybe that's what real kinship/friendship is about - you may not see or speak to each other in forever, but you know you'll always be there for each other when shit hits the fan. I'm not the biggest extrovert out there hahaha so I probably wouldn't hope to meet and make new friends this year - rather, as usual, I hope to maintain if not strengthen the relationship I already have with my loved ones. 

After skimming through it again, this year's post seems a little "simpler" than previous years and much more self-centred. Maybe it's because I'm becoming an old social hermit lol. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it wasn't an eventful year. In fact, I've had some of the best times - attended my first wedding overseas, for example my first ever trip to Japan, and my first real experience of snow (the last time didn't count... That was over 10 years ago, and it merely lasted 5 seconds!). But towards the end of the year, I received the biggest news ever in my life and it was an extremely sharp wake up call to reflect on myself (Wowza, exclusive news here on PD). I don't think I'll be able to share about this with anyone anytime soon, but this is definitely one of the very few things that may change my life forever. But hey who knows, I'll talk about it soon when I'm mentally ready. All I can wish for is to accept any outcome life brings me with grace and sanity. 

The said same news, coupled with my love-hate relationship with social media,  has also reminded me to generally be more present. There is no shame is trying to capture photos/videos of a moment we cherish, but I think where I'd hope to draw the line is how eager I want to share online. Is it really important for me to pick the best photo, add the best filters and choose the best captions before I upload something on Instagram? I always make it a point to remind myself that my social media accounts and blog are very much a memory log for myself, rather than a spectacle for others to think I have a blissful life or great aesthetic. Kudos to the people who have the creativity and patience for that, they have wonderful content but I want to stop using other people as my benchmark(s). And what's the point of photos/videos if I failed to imprint the memory in my mind, and make the effort to be physically part of the whole experience? At the end of the day, we may not remember what was said or done during that exact moment (hahaha maybe that is why we try so hard to capture these memories in photos/videos) but what we hold most dearly is how we felt at that moment. And we hardly forget the feeling even after a long time. 

Well, I guess this post had overstayed in the drafts section for far too long, time for it to go live. Here's to 2018, which I am already stumbling through. Catch you in a bit. x

2016

Look... I would apologise for the late arrival (yet again), but hey, I'm not writing to/for anyone but myself! And to you, dear reader, who comes back every year: Welcome Back! (Plot Twist: Yes it's true, I do know who you are based on the stats!)

Happy New Year! Another one has flew past right before my eyes. Well, I suppose the main difference this year is that nothing much has changed. At least, not drastically. This is actually good news to me, because it tells me I'm in a good place and not seeking for crazy progress I always seem to be hard up for.

So, what should I start with?

For one, I'm getting a lot healthier these days. I drink tons of water, eat more fruits AND veggies, and I actually work out. I've dedicated a week each month to eating salad, and subscribed to a spin class, which I thoroughly enjoy. WAIT, WHAT? I know right? Aside from the sheer accomplishment of doing something like that, I think a great part of what motivates me is how this lifestyle is going to help me improve myself physically and emotionally. And the funny thing is after getting healthier, I am actually putting on more weight (Is this a sign of prosperity LOL). I guess my body is finally getting the nutrition it needs. That being said, maybe it's simply because I cannot kick my love for junk food hahaha. In any case, it's been manageable, and I guess I've been seeing the effects. However at the end of the day, a natural approach to the healing process is always going to be a gradual one with no dramatic changes, so I remain hopeful.

I've also started reading more, which is absolutely delightful! I'm the person that buys a shitload of real books but never get down to reading them - they just sit prettily in my shelf, some of time still in their sealed packaging?! All these years I never got down to buying the plastic to wrap the books in (because I ALWAYS end up creasing my books), which is really a poor excuse not to read. Ever since I got (well.. Stole lol) myself a Kindle, reading has been sooo effortless. Everytime I finish a book, I'd find the need to start a new one almost immediately. Haven't had that feeling in a while, the need to read. It's really nice to pick a productive habit back up again, let's hope it lasts...

Career wise, things have been going steadily. Hahaha I'd like to attribute my tardiness in writing this post (Confession: Finally finished it and we're already two weeks into the new year, gosh) to the fact that I write a fair bit for a living, but hey that's just an excuse~ So work. Just when things were going great the way they were, work life decided to throw me a curveball sometime back in Q3. Almost immediately I got a sense that things were about to take a turn quickly, and the amount of responsibilities were going to pile on. I don't even remember the period of time I allowed this to sink in (or did that not exist?) The thing is, I am absolutely mortified about change or bringing about change. Not because I don't care enough, but if things worked well the way they were, I never saw the point in tipping over any balance? I am always happy not to question what is deemed an equilibrium. However, what I've learnt was I could adapt to change - and more importantly, I was capable of rising to the occasion when the situation called for it. Just last week, I was approached with 2 questions from 2 people that used to be in my position. While my suggestions to them may not have made must impact of men their decisions, I was heartened to hear my thought process aloud, and it made me realise how far I've come in my short span in the workforce. This is really something I hope to strive for in the new year, to give myself more credit when I get things right, and let every small victory motivate me to embrace change for the better.

Carrying on the topic of grown-up life, I've made some milestone decisions this year that will change the rest of my life. These are particularly close to my heart, so I would like to keep it very much private. Things weren't always so rosy and I had so many doubts in my mind, but with time and the right amount of effort and lessons, I am proud to see how far I've come and what I've learnt from the process. I choose to believe things will only get better from here, so here goes nothing. Oh and also, cheers to getting my insurance and taxes in order! 

As for the more personal experiences in my life, I managed to travel the longest and furthest I've ever gone - all the way to the other side of the planet! I took my first long-haul flight alone, which was surprisingly very therapeutic (except the part where I almost missed my flight when I waited at the wrong gate at the entirely wrong terminal?!). I had the best time with some of the best people in my life, and this trip really drew us so much closer. We stayed in all kinds of places and tried all modes of transport, and even conquered a glacier hike together. I've also revisited countries and tried new activities in them, which I've really enjoyed too. This year, I'm targeting for another big annual trip and I have two new countries in mind. Fingers crossed that I'll manage to conquer one in the second half of 2017! 

When it comes to the human relationships in my life, I would say I am blessed and relatively content. Sure, I could always have stronger, tighter bonds with people but I don't want to take what I already have with them for granted.  There weren't exactly any new significant people in my life, and the people that already existed continued to hold their special places in my head and heart. I remember having this conversation with a very important person in my life, and we both agreed how relationships were equal (or at least similar) parts the will of nature and the amount of effort put in. We may not be able to control who we click or do not click with, just as how we mostly let nature take its course on the people we encounter on our journey. But this only scratches the surface. Any relationship requires hard work to keep afloat. This is definitely something I strongly believe in for the longest time, and this year was no exception. For said person and myself, this was something we reminded ourselves about throughout the year as we made the conscious effort to upkeep the relationships in our lives. 

At the same time, we did lose some people along the way. I say we because most of these people leave/shut themselves away from a bigger group I'm in, in general. And this has happened in SEVERAL groups in my life, not just one... Is this a year of conflict? While I have not come into direct crossfire with the majority of them, it is a pity to know our affinity has ended. The funny thing is I didn't even have personal beef with any of them, yet the circumstances have caused us to fall out of each other's radar (naturally or intentionally)... I suppose we cannot help it if group dynamics change over time of because of certain factors. We just have to accept that nothing is forever, and respect their decisions. 

I think a lot of the time, it's really what's in our heads that eats away at our faith in the relationships with have with other people. These people, and I believe myself at many point in my life, have reached a point where they no longer want to tolerate what they felt was a shortcoming/gap in the relationship - to the extent that it's a better option to burn the bridge. As I get older, I am getting more at peace with situations like these... Maybe it's because of the fact that I've come to terms that change is the only constant? Or worse, I have learnt that you do not lose a limb, it's just not that serious - just a bit of heart. And it happens to even the best of us. So to the people who have been affected by an issue like this, and feel like you've been at the losing end - I say, take it in your stride. If there's anything I've learnt, it's that time heals many kinds of wounds, or at least numbs them. This will also be a good reminder to myself in future should I meet new setbacks this year - so note-to-self: soldier on. 

Like I've shared last year, I've recovered tremendously from certain wounds I thought would never heal. But there is this one issue that plagues my mind and soul, and that is my self-worth. This seems to be an evergreen issue in my life for some reason lol. Recently, it's been so hard to go into my priorities with a clear head, and it's been a trying period. I'm struggling to grasp my concept of self, and it's been so so so tough to love myself. How is it that our love for ourselves can fluctuate so much? I am very aware that I place too much emphasis on other people's opinions, especially when they mean so much to me. While it may not be directed at me, their general views on things (even if they try to mask it so nobody's feelings get hurt) are distorting the way I define myself. It honestly feels so terrible, but I cannot help it. And it is scary how my insecurities have outweighed my fears or ability to negotiate with myself. I'm not sure how to be entirely okay with who I am and how I look or feel... But this may not be a bad thing because it does encourage me to take control of my life and overcome these negative emotions. Now that I've learnt the ropes of attaining a delicate balance between pulling and letting go, I strive to let the space between where I am now and where I want to be, inspire me. 

Have I become more apathetic?  I'd like to think so. Maybe it's because I'm so content with my life right now (except for the last issue I just discussed). It's not been easy getting here, and I've made some sacrifices that have transformed my life almost completely. For someone who constantly looks back at where she was exactly a year ago, I can say the year before has truly been a lifetime ago. Some things have just become so surreal when you look back, it's as though they only happened in your imagination/dreams. At this moment though, my heart & mind are relatively still - with more good vibes than bad. There is nothing I should take for granted, so as always, I remain thankful. For everything and everyone. 

Well, back to more adulting for me. Let's hope this will be a good round. Catch you soon. x

2015

...Clearly this post is waaaayyy overdue. Basically, the transition to this year was pretty low key. It felt like I had just moved on to the following week from the previous, so I pretty much plunged into 2016 without realising it. To be honest, just the thought of doing this (for the sake of it, so that I wouldn't regret not jotting things down) does feel rather daunting. But as every year, I'd start and assume I wouldn't have much to say... And then I scroll up to find paragraphs after paragraphs. How lame. 

...And with that, My opening thought has become my first chunk of words. Pfft. 

Right, 2015. Fortunately, it was a quick one. I suppose it's like what they say, how time flies when you're having fun? Actually, more like when you're crazy busy. Firstly, I managed to clock my first year of adulthood i.e. My job. *Pat on the back* The beginning was pretty rough, I guess like many other people. I struggled and wondered if I really was capable enough being in this industry. I had wonderful people around me at work, yet sometimes I would feel so out of place.  I couldn't really put my finger on it... Things were going okay, but something felt like it was missing? This thought lingered for months until a watershed moment sometime mid-year. *Cue dramatic music* Okay watershed is really blowing it out of proportion, but that really felt like the turning point in my career-in-progress. 

I got assigned to this big and shiny account, which was incredibly interesting. However, it meant I had to work externally - with/under people I've never worked with before and hardly interact with. And while it wasn't much, I was given the most responsibilities I had received at work overnight. Don't think I'll ever forget that day lololol, I was informed that I had officially "graduated" from my probation period, and in the same day, I was being "rented" over to another team just for this said account. Needless to say, didn't start off well for a newb(Noob/newbie? Hahahaha) like me. And so my rental period extended from 3, 6, 8 months, to a full permanent transfer. Didn't come as much of a surprise though, thanks to a colleague who warned me right from the start ("Those who leave never come back"). Turns out rental was never a temporary practice in this office. 

And so I moved, physically and otherwise. I shifted upstairs, to a cosier, more sparse workspace, with new people I had to get to know all over again. It was terrifying, to say the least. Not only were you at the bottom of the food chain, you were the new kid on the block. And you know what? That turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me in that workplace. That feeling that something was missing just went away. Career-wise, I experienced much more growth then I expected to have in that window of time. More importantly, it truly felt like I had found my a-team. Sure they were great colleagues, but it was more than that. I felt like I found friends people said you could never find at work. Fast forward to the present, I am still learning something new everyday, and I am exposed to new sectors, products and knowledge and people. And I have found smart, funny and kind people I am proud to call friends. I'm just hoping it continues to get better from here *fingers crossed*.

Rewinding just a bit, not everything ended well in 2015. People and things who were important to me at that point in my life came and went. Perhaps it was this job I was immersing myself in, like many pointed out, that caused me to be so indifferent. "A new phase of life", as they described. I'm not sure exactly when, but it felt like my patience started to run dry. As I shared in the previous year, I was becoming more angsty, logical and wanted to take control of everything, including how I felt and how I responded to the people and things around me. Material things were also a wonderful distraction, and I enjoyed being and staying occupied. But that switch couldn't last forever. I started to wear down and finally admit to myself that something is not right. In fact, something has not been right for a while, or perhaps it has never been right. And this was the one thing I was afraid to stop and confront. I wasn't happy, and I haven't been happy for a long time, but I had no other outlet I could successfully manage this issue with. 

At the end of the day, the truth is sometimes progress cannot arrive if change doesn't. As much as there are people and things I am apprehensive to part with, I should never forget that very often it is not them you are reluctant to let go of, but how they made you feel. About yourself, especially. Which is incredibly selfish, I know. And  that is a reason in itself to learn how to move forward. Right now, I'm still trying to discern between the two, and make a conscious effort not to get them mixed up. 

Also, I think I'm proud to declare here that I've recovering from a wound that lasted for years. This was one of the greatest struggles I had to deal with, and as much as I was not able to figure it out, I am glad to say I have learnt to come to terms with it. I didn't necessary have to feel good about it etc, but rather I've learnt to accept that something was wrong, and that's okay. Now, if only I had twice the amount of determination and support, and require half the amount of time to fight off my other demons... 

I think one of the scariest things about moving forward is the new people and things you may encounter. The fact is you won't know how things are going to pan out, and you may not be able to mentally prepare yourself in time. Which makes me feel quite... Vulnerable. Which is so embarrassing to admit to myself. Before I started on this post, I came across an old note I wrote, which ended off with "I think I'll know when I feel it, again. To feel like I'm home." It scares me so so much to say that I think I am finding this feeling again. Or I may even have already found it; to be around certain people and/or things, or in a certain environment and feel like I'm home. Because the worst part about this is you can never be certain of your external environment, or whether what you feel is accurate or mutual. (Which honestly, seems like the case at this point.) It makes you feel so silly, when you realise you may be the only one that feels this way, and you wonder if it's best not to show it. And I'm no fortune teller. As much as I want and crave for certainty, I am never going to get it. What scares me most is not that though. I think like many others, I am practical enough to understand life doesn't come with a hundred percent guarantees, yet most of the time, all I wish for is a genuine will towards something, and to have the strength and commitment to work towards it. Thinks about the past, those years were some of the darkest days in my short, mediocre lifespan, and I hope I don't ever fall back into that state of mind ever again (At least I think I'm not repeating it...). I have a secret confession though -  It is sad to say seeing people discuss about the long term now gives me anxiety issues, and some days I just feel so inferior. In any case, I'm still learning to shut out the noise and anxiety, and focus on the things I need to be grateful for. 

Another issue that has reoccurred for me, which again, I am so ashamed to talk about... Is my body image. Some years back, this affected me so much. I tried so hard to mould myself into someone else vision, which was painful. I constantly asked myself what was wrong with me and it is so embarrassing to admit that it makes you hate yourself so much, you are desperate to try anything to make you love yourself. There are several things I have struggled with significantly over the course of my life, which I don't share about to anyone. I suppose I figured it's not necessary to let them know how these issues are capable of causing you to cry yourself to sleep or when you're alone, or even inflict self-harm. 

I think what people often don't realise is  how much the things they say and do can affect you? Personally, as much as I understand how entertaining it can be for people to put you down over the years, sometimes they don't realise how much it can still hurts even when it was "funny". Worse still, it is often the passing comment that cuts the deepest, simply because it was made semi-consciously - making it so pure and honest. When it comes to responding to things like these, the thought process is an extensive one. Sadly, I feel like my most disliked flaws are impossible to hide completely or overcome. Not many understand (at least not the people around me, in my humble opinion)...  It sucks to know that people do certain things (Wear certain clothes, put on makeup) to look BETTER, while here you are struggling to do the same things, just so you can simply appear... normal. E.g. To have an ordinary frame, or just normal human looking skin. These are such simple things that many people already possess, still they have no idea how it would mean so much to me to have a quarter of what they have. 

That being said, I don't see the point in whining about it, well at least, not out loud in a public space lol. As dumb as this may sound, this is relatively a quiet, private corner I managed to set aside for myself on this World Wide Web. 

In any case, I think I'm starting to learn how to reach this delicate balance... Between letting nature take its course, and taking the reins of things when necessary. Over the past few years, I experimented (and still am experimenting) with the proportions of the two. The fact was I was not happy at either ends of the spectrum. Of course, just as other things in my life, the learning journey for this never ends. I guess there really is no perfect formula. In the meantime, I think it's more important to be thankful for the things I already have because frankly, I am a very fortunate person. There are people and things that keep me happy and healthy, and I should always count my blessings because of that. While I pray for the usual - do my best to learn to love myself and earn myself a speedy road to recovery from all my scars, I must not forget to be thankful and not take the people/thugs in my life for granted. 

And with that reminder, let me be on my way back to letting 2016 play. See you in a bit! x

2014

It's already 2015... Where has all that time gone???

I recall all the times in 2014 I told myself to remember the random moments so that I would have a more comprehensive year-end reflection... Only to be unable to find the time or motivation to do it before the year ended. (Note: Post only completed in early January)

If anything, I would describe 2014 as eventful and... different. More on that later. I managed to do quite a bit within a short period of time, much thanks to #project21. (For future reference: #project21 was a project where I aimed to do 21 things before I turned 21, but only managed to finish before the 2nd last day of the year lololol) I got to hit several milestones in my life - turning a certain age, graduating, officially joining the workforce etc. I also managed to pick up new skills and try activities I've always had in mind - Learning the ukulele, successfully baking macarons, even snorkeling, parasailing and cliff diving. I would think the most of enriching of all were the travel experiences. It may not seem like a lot to many people, but this was the first time I travelled to 5 countries in a year - some I have been to before, always dreamed of going, and even those I've never expected to visit so early in my life. I conquered new parts of a country, new countries and a new continent. I even got to witness an iconic political movement and throw myself into a mild protest, and even experienced some very scary phenomenons of nature. 

As trivial as all these activities may sound, overcoming these new experiences took some courage, at least for me. As a person who is highly comfortable staying within my comfort zone and honestly, pretty passive (unless it is involves people or things I care strongly about), this year was relatively out of the ordinary. I became braver in a sense, daring to take the initiative, and pushing for the things I wanted instead of sitting back and "letting nature take its course". I took some of the biggest risks I have ever taken, and till this day, have no idea how. When I needed something, I worked hard for it. When it came to new territory, I somehow just held my breath and plunged in. When I lacked the resources, I found (LEGAL) ways to earn them, made choices and necessary sacrifices. 

That being said... sometimes I do feel like I know where this drive to accomplish things is coming from. Well perhaps. As always in life, it was natural for some things to go wrong along the year, and I starting feeling the pressure from trying to solve them all. Honestly, there was often so much angst in trying to make things right again. As much as I appreciate finding the motivation to get things done, deep down inside I know I've just been trying to fill this void... A void left behind a long time ago. I have tried to get to the root of the problem, trying to pinpoint the source of my emotions so I can purge it once and for all. However, some things can't be purged just like that. Sometimes it feels like these chapters have simply become open wounds that are still works in progress. I guess that's where this motivation is coming from? It's like when someone screams at the top of their lungs or punches the wall. My drive to keep myself busy and to make sure nothing else in my life screws up has become my physical outlet in dealing with this frustration. 

Just comparing this year's post with those from past years, I have such mixed feelings. The difference in the tones of the two posts is just so vast. This year somehow broke a pattern. On one hand, I managed to push myself to new limits which is not always a bad thing, but on the other, the contrast is a reminder of how I have lost peace with myself. I've always believed time could heal all wounds eventually, but suddenly I realised time alone wasn't going to solve my problems if I just continued sitting on my ass. I have stopped trying to give myself any more excuses for being a a certain way. Of all those times I have comforted others with those words, it somehow does feel like they no longer work on myself. 

As the year went by, many of my thoughts started becoming bitter. My patience was at an all time low, and when people made bad choices, I somehow started taking it at face value (or perhaps I just chose to) and started seeing them based on their faults, instead of giving them the benefit of the doubt. I think it really hit me hard (that I've changed in this aspect) twice - during two random incidents with two important people in my life. They made me confront the fact that first - I've become an angry person, mostly angry at myself because what happened made me feel so inadequate, which proves that ultimately I'm still affected by what happened long ago. And second - that I've changed, and the so-called better parts of my character seem to be taken over by bitterness over the past and the hypercritical side of me (that I tried so hard to curb when I was younger and to my pleasure, did go away for years...until now). According to said important person, I gradually lost the ability to  "always see the good in people" and "be an understand, logical person". The saddest part was that I couldn't disagree or fight back to such claims, because I knew it was somewhat true too. My love for life and other people became limited. Conditional even, in some cases. Not that I would curse/ wish bad things upon them, but I wouldn't wish the best for them either. In many ways, it was a very self-centred and myopic way of living... And that is not something I am proud of. 

Real, I mean REAL new year resolutions have never really been a thing for me, but a friend suggested that we/I pen down 3 things we/I hope to achieve for the year, so that they are not easily forgotten, and more importantly, I can refer to it at the end of the year to assess my own progress. 

I spent more than half of my wishes and prayers this year on hoping that things will go my way and I would get what I want. I've come to realise how selfish and ridiculous this was. I guess the first thing would be to 1) find the better parts of myself back again. That I will be able to be a more loving, more gracious and kinder person from now on. 

Instead of being angry at the things that didn't go my way, I decided some time ago towards the end of the year that perhaps I just needed to change my perspective, and I want to follow through with that this year - 2) I hope to learn how to let go of the things I should be letting go of. 

With that, the second resolution would be to 3) Release my grip and stop thinking I can control things, and be at peace with it. In some way or another, I do believe in a higher being, and in the past I would always tell myself that "everything happens for a reason", "time will eventually heal all wounds", "everything will be okay in the end" and "nature will take its course in due time". I hope to place that trust back in said higher being's hands, and regain my patience and determination towards recovery. 

Of all the 3 "resolutions", I would think 2) is the most important because I truly believe it is the root of my emotions and decisions throughout 2014. If someday I do succeed in letting, 1) and 3) would naturally follow after. 

While many things have changed, I'm thankful other parts of the old me still remains the same, despite some of it being weird. I still prefer eating McDonald's burgers with a fork and knife, and at the end of the day, I still believe I will learn something valuable from all my experience this year. Note to old me, please continue to stay the same in those areas, and please keep me grounded and help me improve on the things I need improvement on.  

It's time to take on the new year! Here we go. 

2013

...Is it me or has this year flew by right before my eyes?

It always makes me wonder if anyone ever comes to this blog anymore, which I highly doubt. My blogging habits have been exponentially nomadic in the past 2 years, which is a good thing really because every post I write is mainly, and in all honesty, solely for my eyes and my memory. This probably explains why I haven't been writing on this blog for so long too. But hey, in case anyone ever stops by, this has been and will probably be the only blog you will ever know of ;-)

I kinda regret not writing a post for 2012 here, because it was so interesting to read the one I wrote in 2011. Reading and recalling past events and emotions just makes you reflect on yourself and how much you've grown, changed or stayed the same as a person. I've come to realise how important a diary or a blog like this is, because it just helps you to hold on to your memories that much tighter. Especially for someone as forgetful as me ugh. And sometimes you just find something new in your old memories, or even a reminder or secret message to yourself that would come in handy for your present self. I mentioned that 2011 was one of the worst years of my life, judging from the fact I haven't been alive for that long. I guess it turns out fate has a dark dark DARK sense of humour, because the following year was a million times worse than I could imagine. 2012 was pure hell. Looking back, I can honestly say I don't think I've ever been so hurt or lost before? Crying your heart out every few hours everyday for about 40-50% of the year just really sucks out the life and happiness in you. But I guess that's how it's supposed to feel like when your world turns upside down? I have never been so physically and mentally drained to the extent the sadness showed on the outside before, because being strong, no matter how hard I have to pretend to be, was something I have always been able to do and even take pride in all my life. How do you even begin to justify a meltdown on the way to school / work , on the way home, or in various public places? -_- Sitting in my crying corner of the void deck (LOL) after counting down for the new year just feels so recent yet so long ago. But I guess when you leave your heart and soul out in the open like that, you're just gonna have to be prepared that things won't always go your way, and sometimes you just have to accept that because there's nothing you can do to change it.

Needless to say, this year saw itself absorbing the impact of 2012. Yet again, 2013 has not been an easy year for me at all, from start to end. The random breakdowns were of course as frequent as ever, and the doubts and insecurities just kept repeating itself night after night. Half the time I asked myself what I did wrong and what I could have and should have done to change what happened. Then there were times when I just thought I has it all figured out and things were finally going to be alright but sadly, I seem to be a natural at disappointing myself LOL. It's really tough to get by when you second guess yourself, but I guess there is this added pressure when other people are second guessing you as well. Naturally, these bad vibes from the inside and outside of you tend to reopen old, recuperating wounds and sometimes even bring about new ones. Sub-consciously, things often went back to square one, which naturally sucks.

This year has indeed been terribly difficult to get through, which is also probably why I was gifted with the most beautiful people and opportunities to be loved by, helping me carry on and learn. I know it sounds like I'm just whining about how tough my year has been the entire time, but honestly I actually have so much to be grateful for because of these gifts in my life. It hit me that this year was truly a different chapter of my life, because this is also the year that marks the beginning of the next 10 years that would shape and determine my future as an adult. I finally have a clearer idea of where I wanted to be career wise, and who I wanted to be as a person in any half of all the relationships in my life. I've also learnt that we cannot always control how things pan out, so I shouldn't be afraid to let things take their own journey and form and most importantly, let time do its job to nurture, strengthen or even weaken and heal things. Also, it is not always within our capacity to please and satisfy everyone, but it is so so so important to do all things and treat people with the utmost love and kindness. It is really not about getting something in return, but to treat others as how you would want to be treated. You can't be good enough for everybody, but that should never stop you from being the best you can be. At this point, I'll admit that I still struggle with the pain and self-doubt, but just being thankful for what and who I have around me reminds me that things are never as bad as it seems, and harnessing all this love and happiness just fuels your reason to live and be happy. Plus, knowing that everything happens for a reason truly helps you to get by day by day.

I honestly don't think a "full" recovery is ever possible because what happened has impacted me in a way that has changed me forever, and I prefer to believe that isn't necessarily a bad thing. It still hurts, but I believe I will learn to let go of the pain and sadness and gratitude and understanding will eventually take over completely someday. I cannot emphasise enough to myself and everyone around me that everything happens for a reason. Nevertheless, 2013 has  made me grow a little more as a person again, and I am sincerely thankful for yet another meaningful year.

Happy New Year! To *much needed* better days ahead. :-)

Last Post Of 2011

(Ironically written in the first few days of 2012, dated backwards)



...And all I can offer this year is a Youtube video.



It just occurred to me that I completely forgotten that it's the end of 2011 and I usually blog when a new year arrives. Which isn't so much of a bad thing, because this would imply that my Christmas/New Year was relatively hectic this year, thus assuring me that my social circle hasn't crashed and burnt entirely...yet. You(Clearly imaginary) probably can't tell from this verbal load, but I couldn't be more thankful for these people who chose to remember me during this festive season. I wish I could hug everyone and beg them to keep me forever. Creepy.

This year would probably be included in the worst 5 years of my life, considering the fact I haven't been alive for very long. I have lost people, close and distant, things, physical and figurative, and myself, heart and mind. It hasn't been easy for me at all, although some may beg to differ. For one, academically. I have never given up so much and so fast on my studies before, in any case I get awful grades I have no one to rely on or blame but myself. I don't think I have ever cried so much in one year. At the same time, I've gained other people, things, and fragments of myself, which I am so truly grateful for despite its lack of ability to refill the gaps in my life. I guess life can never be a full glass, I just have to make the most of what I am able to hold onto. Ultimately I grew a little more as a person again, which is always important to note.

Incidentally, I interrupt this overly sentimental entry to bring you(Who?) a photograph of me making socially inappropriate eye contact to abruptly conclude yet another pointless post.



(PS: I got a new phone, my hair cut, and a Grisham book waiting for me)

Happy new year! Hopefully things will get better. *crosses fingers*