feeling normal...

My amazing photographer and new friend came over to take birthday pictures of this little girl...we had soooooo much fun...she did an amazing job and it was sooooo fun to just laugh and watch Audrey ham it up for the camera...I just love this picture with all the colors...doesn't it just make you happy? It really made me feel normal...if even for a moment....

You can't make this stuff up...

This past week has been a really hard week for me...we had to pick out the tombstone for Olivia...and there were several other things that happened that made me really sad....I just really want to feel normal again...

When we went in to the funeral home for the first time...we met with this guy to help us make the arrangements...when we got there he kept talking about "the boys"...he would say the "boys and I go to the Montage in Laguna Beach" or "the boys and I love eating...." finally I asked how old "the boys" are...and he pointed to the picture of the dogs and then left the office to go get something....Doug and I could not stop laughing...i'm sure this sounds a little rude...and probably inappropriate...but, seriously you had to be there...I was just emotionally exhausted and he talked about "the boys" as if they were human---did he not realize why we were there?

When I went to drop of the clothes for Olivia (it was a VERY frustrating process) I was a little agitated so I took Brenna into the office where we met and showed her the picture and was able to snap a picture with my phone....then when we went there last week to pick out the tombstone we peeked into his office and saw an "updated" picture...more spring like of "the boys"...I just started to laugh...so, whenever Doug wants to make me smile...he just says "what do you think the boys are doing today?"....

The Wedding....

This picture was taken at Olivia's funeral (the photographer called it "A lighter moment")...I'm not sure when it was taken...but, I absolutely LOVE it...it is the ONLY picture of me not crying my eyes out or looking like I'd been crying...I love where Audrey's hands are and it reminds me of how concerned she was about me....I'm happy to share some of the other pictures with you (you will see that this picture is the only one that I look decent in)...just email me...it really was a beautiful day and almost perfect....It was raining so hard that day...and Roselyn came up to me and said it was a perfect day because it reminded her of an old black and white movie which was perfect for me...I loved it that she said that.

I don't think I slept more than 2 hours every night before the funeral...I was trying to make everything perfect for my sweet Olivia...My dear friend Heather had her Mom make me this BEAUTIFUL "blessing" dress (she really needs a website) that I put her in ...and a dear friend of ours Rhonda Riley who makes these amazing blankets made matching blankets for Olivia and me...I LOVE them...they are seriously the most beautiful blankets...you can purchase one online here they really are the best presents...my sister found beautiful matching rings for Olivia and me...and Heather made the program and note cards...she is amazing...you can buy her stuff here...

The one thing that has got me through all of this has been laughter...Doug and I have found funny little things in most situations...As I was getting ready for the funeral Doug kept calling it "the wedding" and every time he would say that I would laugh...probably because I was planning it like someone would a wedding...So, Olivia's funeral became known as the wedding...besides I don't like the word funeral and I just LOVE weddings...

A Tall Cold One

I didn't realize how soothing it is to write about what has happened....I want to share a few things that have happened over the last month....A couple nights after we came home from the hospital Doug and I went to the store together for some ice packs...my milk had come in and I was in pain...we were walking through the isles looking for the ice packs when we both spotted the IBC bottles and just started to laugh...i'm not sure why...maybe because we were both thinking the same thing...then I said "I just need a tall cold one tonight"....we were in the grocery store laughing...this was the first time I laughed since we lost Olivia...so, every night since then we share a "tall cold one" (my sister has kept us stocked) with chocolate chip cookies (Emily makes the best cookies and gave us about 4 dozen cookies at the funeral...we froze them so we could have them longer...too bad she lives in Tustin...we are running low!:) we just sit for a few moments and talk about our difficult day....sometimes it feels so good to laugh....

Pregnant Pictures...

One of the hardest things for me is to look at pregnant pictures of myself...Here I am about 6 months pregnant with Olivia and we were just building out Doug's office...I had no clue what the next 3 months had in store for me...

One thing I definitely still know is that my Heavenly Father loves me and has shown me many tender mercies during this difficult time...I have also come to love and appreciate Doug so much more...He really has been amazing to me and to our little family...I just love being with him...

It's really interesting to me the things that have been hard for me to do...It's hard for me to call people...I usually LOVE talking on the phone...and seeing how people are doing...but, right now it is really hard for me...I appreciate all of my friends that have not taken offense to that...It is really hard getting out of bed every morning...although, the most surprising thing to me is how hard church is for me...I love being there and love all the people there, but it is really hard for me to be there...it is hard to do "normal" things...I can't go to a grocery store to get groceries for our house...I've been having my mom do it when she comes into town...sleeping is really hard to do...I have to completely exhaust myself during the day to even have a chance at sleeping that night (the next few posts will be about my adventures!)....

I have REALLY appreciated every card, letter, or thought that has come my way...I feel so loved and so blessed by all my friends...it really has lifted my spirits...thank you!!!