#1859: Yesterday

Wish yesterday didn't have to end. I don't know if it was just my illusion, but for a moment it felt like you wanted to be close to me like how I want to be close to you. And we were indeed so close yesterday, and it was the happiest I've felt in days, or even weeks. It was the closest we've ever been, despite not having seen each other for a week or so, and it came so naturally. And it was so good, perhaps too good to be true. 

Summer yesterday, winter today. I wish yesterday didn't have to end, or the season didn't have to change, and we would be as close as we were yesterday for a long, long time, if not forever. 

I try to tell myself over and over again that we wouldn't be good to each other, for each other, and this is just a waste of time. But my mind can't stop circling back to you, and my heart can't stop wishing for you to come closer, even if just as a good friend, or a little brother.

I wish yesterday never had to end.

#1858: Vulnerability

I used to be pretty talkative, sociable, and even a little vocal. I guess they all died down as time passed, as I started feeling ignored, forgotten, neglected, inferior. And I guess that's why I grow attached to people easily once we click, coz it's not easy for me to feel accepted or welcome. Hence I try to hold on tight to these people, but I'm afraid I may annoy them in the process, and so I start to retreat and perhaps disappear into oblivion.

When will this end? When will people stop keeping a strictly professional relationship with me and start bothering to share a more intimate friendship? Why is it that old people don't hesitate to share personal info with me and talk non-stop for a long time on our first meeting but my peers shy away even though we meet almost every day? 

What does it take to be wanted for my friendship?

#1857:

It's funny what a rumour can do to you. What started as a handful of students' playful teasing now makes me see you in a different light. And I can't stop thinking about you and it feels so wrong. I find myself constantly talking myself out of this. 

And you. It's strange how you hardly ever respond in the group chat—even H noticed that almost all your responses there consist of "haha"s—yet you kept texting me personally while the rest of us were discussing about the lunch plan in the group chat. Why? I guess it bothered me so much last night that I dreamt of you chasing me, trying to get intimate with me, volunteering to accompany me everywhere I went. As flattering as it is, it feels wrong too. 

Just why.

#1856: Halloween Horror Nights 5

My first Halloween Horror Nights experience! Went with Fee, Fa, Syaf, Faizal, Sal, Atifa, and Ida. Got express passes, so we managed to cover all 4 haunted houses!

Following Herbert's advice, we went to the innermost house first—True Singapore Ghost Stories: The MRT. Boy, was that scaryyyyy. We first had to walk through like a construction tunnel, through the Bidadari graveyard where we were greeted with pocongs wriggling out of their graves in the walls, then we walked through a bomoh's kampung where a dancer sprinkled water on us. Haha. Then there was a colourful time warp tunnel that rotated and made us dizzy although the bridge we were on wasn't moving. As we approached that tunnel, the queue was halted for some reason. At that area, just behind me, the was a sort of tree trunk with a hole. Suddenly something sprang out of it and I heard the girls behind me (Fee and Fa) scream and someone falling. Turns out Fa got so scared that she pushed Fee, who fell onto her butt hahahahahah and everyone just started laughing while helping her up. Even the ghost laughed! After the time warp tunnel, we entered a replica of the MRT. And it was really, really, creepy. It was hard to tell which were mannequins and which were scare actors coz of the flickering lights. And it was really scary coz we could not keep holding on to each other (I went in holding hands with Sal) as we had to avoid the poles in the middle. So we had to get close to the ghosts. And I was afraid I'd hit one of them lol. There was a little schoolgirl near the end of the train and she had big holes for eyes, which Sal complimented the ghost for 😒 Then there was a male ghost at the end who pointed at us with one hand and held a knife in the other. I actually did a double take on him coz I thought he was pretty cute underneath all that zombie makeup. Hehe. 

Then we entered the Hungry Ghosts scare zone and took a picture with the only one we saw there. Entered the house there—Hell House. As the name suggested, it was hot. Upon entry, we met with a basket of "hell notes" to "protect" us. So we read the instructions at the back of the note as we walked toward the house. THEN A DOLL SUDDENLY APPEARED IN FRONT OF US AND GAVE US A SHOCK. Such strategic positioning. Very good. Hahaha. There was a short mirror maze inside, but they weren't all just mirrors. Some were doors! So a female ghost would randomly open the door and just scream at us. The scariest part of this house was towards the end, where we had to walk through two rows of hanging bodies. There was no telling if any of them was a ghost or if a ghost was hiding amongst the bodies. Thankfully there wasn't. Haha. Then on the way out we had to walk past some mannequins, and there were a couple of scare actors among them. And then one jumped out at the last bend! 😱

Walked through the The Invaders scare zone and took photos with some of the zombies/aliens there. Thought the zombie was pretty cute too lol. 

The next house we went to was Siloso Gateway Blk 50. The entrance was creeeeepyyyyy. A deserted playground with a lone swinging swing. And the was a parking attendant there. Although I think the real one is scarier coz that means you should check if you've gotten a summon 😂 The rest of the house was scary though. Walked through an old HDB corridor, through a few houses owned by families of the different races. Got a shock when suddenly a window opened and an Angmoh-looking boy appeared, telling us "Don't go there!". Walked through a Eurasian zombie's house, who was "shot" by a soldier when he tried to grab us. Next was a Chinese house who just walked around and stared at us. Then an Indian house, where an Indian woman was scrubbing the floor and staring at us with scary white eyes. A Bollywood music video was playing on the tv so it wasn't too scary. It was actually pretty funny and Sal and I started dancing along haha. The last one was a Malay house, where an old Malay woman was sitting in the middle of a queen sized bed and just staring fixatedly at us while her cupboard locked with chains rattled on. That was the creepiest part of SG Blk 50, in my opinion. 

The last house we went to was Tunnel People. It was smelly and pitch black, save for a couple of eery red candles that lit the corners. Near one corner there was a ghost reaching for us from above 😱 Frankly it wasn't as scary as I thought it would be. It was only scary coz it was pitch black and we couldn't see ahead of us. 

So once we had cleared all the houses, we headed for the rides! Last night was the first time I raised my arms all the way up on a rollercoaster. Guess that's how happy, carefree, wild and free I feel overall now. Took the Transformers ride. The crowd usher there was cute hehe. I sound so mentel -.- Then waited close to an hour for the Cylon ride. It now consists of 8 pairs rather than the previous 8 rows of 4. And it felt faster than ever! I could really feel each twist and turn, which I previously couldn't really feel. So the ride got more thrilling and awesome! Then we took The Revenge of The Mummy before I had to go home. 

Thank God for the express pass, and thank God for my dad fetching me. Reached home around 12.10am, couldn't fall asleep till close to 1am, then couldn't sleep well throughout the night for unknown reasons. Didn't have any fear or nightmare or disturbance. Though my subconscious did sort of disturb me in my dream I guess. Oh well. 

It was such a fun night, I don't remember when was the last time I felt this happy and free (besides Children's Day last week when we played soccer with the kids and the RTislanders' bond grew stronger). Alhamdulillah for everything 😊

#1855: Stupid

Tell me how do you look me in the eye, and say I am your world, and then just take my words and make the change for someone else instead and leave me in the blink of an eye. 

#1854: Losing love

I was once afraid of losing him,

but I'm more afraid of losing Him.

#1853: All part of God's plans

Yesterday I realised that everything was all part of God's plans, and indeed Allah is the best of all planners. The rejection after rejection I faced after a number of job interviews throughout my final semester. My current unemployment. The long wait for the next application period for MOE. The fight after fight in the last few weeks of the relationship. The strengthening of my faith. And to go way, way, back, the bond I've shared with your parents, especially your mum. They were all part of God's plans to show me that you're not the right one for me, and He sent me your mum and reconnected me with a couple of my old friends to help me cope with the pain of being made the perpetrator when clearly I was the victim. It sounded like even your mum thought the things you said didn't make sense or were unreasonable, and that makes me even stronger. 

So you wanna have a secret relationship now? Go ahead and try. Feel how 'fun' it is. You think I enjoyed keeping the relationship a secret, did you? You think it was easy? You think you put in more effort and sacrificed more for the relationship just because you forked out more money? Dude, what you did was spend on me, not invest in me. And that is not what keeps a relationship going.

So for being the stupidest asshole ever that you are, good riddance. If all you want is an arm candy who will be physically there for you, you can have her. I just hope you don't take her for granted like you did to me when I was physically there for you (unless she already knew about us but went on ahead. Then the both of you are perfect for each other and you better pray your children don't meet people like you). You have forgotten, or disregarded, the many times I was physically there for you. I swear one day you'll regret throwing away the spiritual food you need for the arm candy you want. 

In any case, goodbye, good riddance, and you and your stupid immature friends who support you in your childish journey can go f*ck each other.

#1852: Whole

It's sad to see or hear people call their partners their "other half" or, worse, their "better half". You were born whole. Don't give your partner the power to leave you an empty shell if they were to leave you in any way one day. Be whole, stay whole. Don't deny yourself your wholeness. 

If one day you do break, let Allah be the light that fills the cracks in your soul and the lines between each broken piece of your heart. Let Allah be the light that fills you, completes you, heals you, and mends you. Never let anyone take away a piece of you, leaving you with a gaping hole for the rest of your life for you to find something to twist and squeeze to fit into its empty space.

Never deny yourself as a whole.

#1851:

💁🏻

#1850: Why it wouldn't have worked out with you even if you hadn't cheated on me

I had wanted to leave just a couple of weeks before you dumped me, but you wouldn't let me. You begged me to hold on, to give you another chance. I guess your ego wouldn't be able to handle it if I were the one to leave. And you wanted to keep me as a safety net, a safe option, something for you to fall back on if she didn't clearly reciprocate. But even if you hadn't cheated on me, things probably wouldn't have worked out anyway. So here's a (possibly incomplete) list of reasons why:

1. The recipe for a good relationship is not only love, and neither is it only responsibility. It takes BOTH love and responsibility, as well as a slew of other things such as trust, commitment, communication, etc. I'm not sure how much love you had left for me, but you made it clear that you didn't have everything else. Responsibility? Sure, you fed me, fetched me regularly, etc., but you made it more like a burden than a joy. Trust? I had difficulty trusting you with other girls because you always treated me second after them. You always made me feel like a side chick rather than someone you actually want to keep for the rest of your life. I guess you stopped wanting me some time ago but you just never had the guts to leave or let me go. Commitment? That's a no-brainer. A clear no. Communication? You suddenly said you've had enough of me insulting. I'm not even aware of ever insulting you. You haven't communicate any of that with me. I'll just take it that you regarded my advice as insults and that these are all just EXCUSES for you to betray me and justify your actions. You merely proved my point that you need to grow up, that you're not ready for marriage. Blaming me and, worse, my parents for YOUR mistakes and shortcomings. Bitch, LOOK IN THE DAMN MIRROR FIRST.

2. You can't even lead yourself, so how do you expect to lead a family? You can't handle an independent lady like me, and you asked me to listen to you more. How can I and why should I listen to someone who doesn't have a backbone, who doesn't have principles to stand firm by? 

3. You expect and demand so much from me, but what are you doing to upgrade yourself for me? Many times you've said I have all (or 95%) of the charateristics of your dream girl and that our relationship is perfect, yet you chose to take me for granted countless time, take advantage of me, and treat me worse than shit. Nobody says such sweet things to shit before flushing it down the toilet. But you fed me with such sweet lies while stabbing me in the back. Is this how you treat someone you call your world? I feel so sorry for you for not being able to appreciate the good things in life, and for your new girl for having a boyfriend who mistreats and disrespects women, even the good ones.

4. You have disrespected me since some time ago. Made me do things I didn't want to do. Taken away things from me which I can never get back. You mistreated me and disrespected me. Sure, you didn't abuse me like how some other guys do, like hitting them and so on. Sure, you still fed me and fetched me regularly. But as I've said, I was just a burden to you. Turns out, I'm an obstacle between you and your new girl. 

5. You not only disrespected me for my body, but you also disrespected me feelings. You totally disregarded my jealousy and insecurity, and you kept entertaining other girls more than me anyway. Just look at the last one. Obviously you flirted with her, and obviously you would never admit.

6. You underestimated the sincerity of my love for you. Or at least you simply didn't care. Your so-called love for me was selfish. It wasn't me you loved, but my care and attention, and whatever you could get from me. You squeezed me till I had little left for you because I was in pain. I just could not take it anymore, but you wouldn't let me go. You chose to end things on bad terms rather than do it like a real man and just letting me go while I wanted to do it nicely.

And for all of that, you are the worst person I've ever met and I've got 99 problems less now thanks to you. I have loved you with all my heart, and even loved your family. If that's not enough for you, than nothing will ever be. I'll only pray you won't go into self-destruction, and that's it. I won't pray for the best for you. You should be doing your own prayers.