As the journey ends...

On the way back, I was trying hard to fight back my tears, but to no avail.
It was uncontrollable.
The thought that life won't be the same after you leave just made me so disoriented and helpless. The lost of a comrade and a confidant whom I run to when I'm undermined.
As I re-read the content of the Thank You card again, I reminded myself that it was a good journey and the lovely memories would last forever.
For the rest of the month, I have decided that it would be a stage of transition. I will learn to be independent again. Only to fall back on the support system when absolutely necessary.
After one last sob, I went to bed, bittersweet yet determined.

However, I got the worst prank ever the next morning, first thing when I stepped into the office, even before my laptop started up.
While starring at the string of messages, the world around me seemed to fall apart. I had difficulty catching my breath and all I could hear was hollowness.
My heart was struggling to pump the blood my brain required and everything around me swirled due to the lack of oxygen.
My fingers started trembling as the numbness spread across my body. I was really traumatized. For a moment, I couldn't decide how i should feel.
"What am I going to do?" that's the question I asked myself endlessly. On the hind sight, I have no idea why did I even think of that.
When the sense of loss crept even deeper, tears started flowing.
That was when i realised....I've lost you....completely.

For the rest of the day, I held on to a body without a soul.
I struggled hard to move along with the world but the effort involved was simply too immense.
Finally when I found my space, I started to put things in perspective.
I was furious. I felt betrayed. I was angry for the fact that the one whom i trusted so much had lied to me.
I began to recall the claims you have made. Claims that were so untrue.
From a carefree man to becoming a husband (or potentially a father??!!) in a span of 2 months? Just too absurd.
Weren't those the exact 2 months when we connected with long chats and endless topics to talk about?
Weren't those the exact 2 months when you were always available when i needed you?
Weren't those the exact 2 months when I was the happiest and felt the most secured since I came to MNL?
Weren't those the exact 2 months when we....grew closer, just as I thought? (but kept in the dark)
So was i living in an illusion all these while? Or i'm simply naive?
I wished i could scream off your head and demand for an answer immediately. 

I wanted to slap myself hard. Why was i so careless to allow my feelings to slip? Didn't I harden my heart (since the last incident) to disallow any chance of feebleness? Didn't I convince myself that I'm worthy to be loved and not the other way round all the time? Didn't i agree to love myself more? Why was I so stupid to fall into a one-sided trap again?
.....I couldn't find the answer to any of my questions.

The truth is that I've grown over-dependent on you and the thought of losing you completely is tearing me apart. period.
The anger or sort was just a form of distraction from the pain. In a way, a defense mechanism to prevent myself from sinking further.
The truth is, you owe me nothing and i have no right to claim any responsibility from you.
You might have led me on along the way (even if you claim otherwise), and i dunk, being well aware of the consequences.

As the anger subsides, I begin to miss you tremendously...my comrade, my confidant.
It became so natural to click on your name when I needed to bitch about the kind of stuff we used to share. 
Holding back was certainly much more painful than dealing it alone.
But you have my word, i will deal with this....alone.
As of now, I have no visibility/idea of how would things turn out between us. The ball is in your court. 
If this shall be the ultimate closure, I wish you all the best in your paths ahead. Meanwhile, i'll treasure the memories we created thus far. 
Hopefully one day, I can still shout out to you...BFF!

Horse or No Horse

So Ikea broke the record of 'Most Number of Meatballs cooked and sold in a day' with 250,000 meatballs. You really can't doubt its appeal amongst the people, worldwide i believe. 
If the ban is to continue, i truly believe the siutation of "heck the horse meat, give me back the balls!" will happen and horse meat, will become the new delicacy in the SG culinary scene. 

Honestly, what is wrong with eating horses? Since we have basically eaten the rest of their community in the farm. The Japanese have it sashimi style and it was a delightful French cuisine since 1800s. Well, not that i've tried before. 

In any case, i must make Ikea a pitstop at the next trip home. Throw in some chicken wings too please.

Survivor Surviving

The night i returned from the work trip in Brunei, i had a disturbing night of three consecutive nightmares. 

Monsters, can you believe it? Who on earth in this world still dream of monsters?

One of which was a enormous toad, frightening everyone on the street. 

I swear that i didn't watch Godzilla the night before. 

Gee...is this what i'm thinking?

LTT, who's darn good at interpreting dreams, hit the jackpot.

Indeed i'm pretty stressed by the situation happening and unknowingly affecting some people around me. 

As much as i try to keep the positive mindset, i can't deny that it has eaten into my soul. 

I need to find myself again....constantly. 

Well, all thanks to the label of "survivor". 

So here i am, watching the classic Something's Gotta Give, while sipping a glass of chardonnay in the candlelight. Oh man, Keanu Reeves is darn hot.

Till the next time

As much as i'm determined to keep my blog active, i'm honestly darn lazy to write these days.

In fact, after being burnt out at work, i'm just numbed with anything else. 

15 months into the posting, it was an adventure indeed. 

Sad to say, it wasn't quite positive. 

I didn't expect myself to be so affected by another human being.

I was trying to recall the previous down time and most likely would be the time when i was sick.

I must say, this is worse than that. 

It was so bad that i was hoping things will go wrong with my annual follow-up tests at the hospital last week. That will be the only valid excuse for my term to be shorten. 

I must have thinking so much that i actually dreamt about it last night.

Alright, it's a nightmare. I do not want it to happen. 

Apart from the misery with the human being, i really enjoyed working and living away from home.

Without much doubt, it will definitely not deterred me from seeking for another overseas working opportunity. 

The next time, with more experience. 

Till the next time...

Hello Ber

The hectic August zoomed past without leaving a trace of reminiscence.
Three groups of visitors, Boracay, back-to-back events, endless reports, decks after decks of powerpoint slides.
The adrenalin pump was sensational. Honestly if it's not for the boost, I might have punctured before reaching the finish line.
Midway through the race, I recalled making a momentary remark "hey I like this feeling". I guess I like to see things move, move quickly, rather than futile planning and wait till the cows come home.

Having friends around me played a big part. They somehow balanced the equilibrium and made things lighter.
Playing host was darn fun, more so when I have a pad of my own.
And  the Philippines Tourism Department should be thankful that I made its capital seemed so attractive and liveable.
Not mentioning a good 9 months of scanning and filtering to derive the final set of worth-visiting places. Of course, I customized itineraries to match the target audience. That's my job.
However, I'm glad to add on Boracay to the list of must-visits because it was simply stunning.
For a non-beach enthusiast, I was completely won over by the water and the charm of the little island.
Bintan, Batam (omg!) and East Coast (I'm sorry)?? Serious??
Alright, perhaps I should keep my mind open since I haven't seen Bali and Phuket. Very open.

Made some new friends at work and unfortunately, still no Filipinos.
New friends are from the various attractions back home and they were in town last month to join me in my effort of promoting our country.
Such energetic and fun bunch of people and it reminded me of the orientation camp in junior college. You have the centre-of-attention group and the not-so-happening outliers whom, sadly, were too serious for the industry.
Having said that, I have always been the outliers during school days. Yeah, unbelievable I know. :p
Anyways, if the relationships can go beyond official businesses, that will be one of the greatest returns in my stint.

As we enter into the Ber months (how pinoys categorize the final quarter of the year with the months ending with 'ber'), I hope the festivity will make my life easier as I countdown to my 1st anniversary of independence.

National Day

Being a known patriot, i've never left home on National Day but having said that, spending the nation's birthday away for the first time was indeed a memorable experience. 

It was even more exceptional being at the front line now, not at war, but representing my country in a foreign land. Very noble huh.

It is an annual affair that the Singapore Embassy hosts dinner in celebration of National Day and this year's was held at the grand Shangri-La. 

I had the virgin experience to be part of the official picture with the Singapore Ambassador and the fellow comrades from the Singapore Embassy. Just too awesome imagining myself in the framed picture hanging on the wall of the state building.  

Other than the Singaporeans residing in Manila (or even other parts of the Philippines), the invitees list had also included diplomats from other nations. I was especially attracted to one from the Embassy of the United States who approached me and exchanged name cards. I wonder if he would call. *wink* Anywayz..

As part of the protocol, the Philippine national anthem was played first, followed by ours. Boy, i missed our Marikita! Wished the pledge was also recited but i guess it was too show-off.  

For the rest of the night, it was a lot of chatting and flirting networking with people, unfamiliar yet sharing the common camaraderie. 

Almost a week later, the celebration continued with a Ladies gathering hosted by Mrs Ambassador at her residence. It was so grossly huge that i wouldn't even wanna think about the rooms i couldn't get to see.

And there i was introduced to Mrs Indonesia Ambassador, Mrs US Ambassador so on and so forth in this genre. Seriously.

Mrs Singapore Ambassador was highly eloquent, high EQ and socially...smooth! I heard she used to be a teacher before turning a diplomat so just imagine Mrs Bala (that's her actual name in fact) jumping out from the Basic Reader textbook. 

As she was addressing the ladies, i couldn't help but toyed with the thought if there's an approved set of pre-requisites for Spouse of Ambassadors. Gee....tough. 

The reception was organised by SLC (Singapore Ladies Club), run by a group of tai-tai (mainly spouses) who are enjoying life here while their husbands are slogging away. Their mandate is to expand their database and organise chichi events for tai-tais. I mean who else can attend high-teas on weekday afternoon? 

After 9 months of falling through their cracks, i was cornered this evening and forced to pay 1,000 peso (appx SGD30) to join the triad. Damn. 

Am already looking forward to the celebration next year. I'm sure i will do better. 

Count on me, Singapore. 

Me, Myself and I

While leading a carefree life, I'm asking myself if I'm really enjoying it.
I'm not envious of friends who can't go on a vacation without considering for their husband/children/dog/cat in addition to the official leave application at work.
Neither do I understand the "joy" of having your kids. I mean yes, (some) babies are cute but leaching you 24/7? Nah....
I totally appreciate the flexibility of booking a promotional air ticket immediately upon receiving the EDM.

Having said that, since I do not have a family burden, I had to place focus, somewhere.
I'm not an ambitious person by nature but it seems that my career is the only natural aspect which I can cling on.
Well, at least I work hard, I earn my moolah and lead the life of my desire.

This is it. For now.

心痛的李大仁

又遇到难关。很自然的传了简讯给“李大仁”，
原本只想发发牢骚，结果闹得不欢而散。
折腾了一晚，心痛收场。
对一些不会改变的事实，没有必要再多说。

为什么会这样？
回头想想，“不见了”，好像还好一点。

嗯。。。当我没说过。

還我李大仁

我曾經也有個＂李大仁＂。
曾經也被呵護過，疼愛過。
痛時能喊痛，樂時能享樂。
也因為他，我從來都沒覺得自己孤單。
即使相隔十萬八千里，一通電話就能拉近任何距離。

但是。

不知曾幾何時。

我的＂李大仁＂不見了。

可以把我的＂李大仁＂還給我嗎？

我真的很需要他。

好朋友只是朋友

聽你說什麼我都很快樂

接近你連影子都微笑著
幾千隻紙鶴你都耐心地陪著我折
卻怎麼都折不掉那道無形的隔閡

越懂你陪著你就越寂寞
靈魂那麼美我卻碰不得
感覺再熾熱也不能讓飛蛾去撲火
靠近你的夢難道就能不失落

好朋友只是朋友 還是朋友 不能夠佔有
好朋友瘋狂以後 就一個人走 無所求
好朋友只是朋友 只能保留 一點點溫柔
我知道什麽時候回頭 不打擾你的自由

認識你也許我就足夠了
緣分的深淺我都不管了
可能你感動也看不見我心如刀割
哪怕很痛過 至少就不算錯過

愛人不是最好的朋友
朋友再好也不能牽手
感情在天平兩頭 誰都怕太沈重

心鎖

最近鎖又開了。
這幾年來我一直都把它保存得好好的。就在那小小的角落。
只是還是很犯賤，偶爾會翻出來，回味下，感動下，讓心痛一下。
放下了，真的。但不想忘記。
時候到了我又會把它鎖上。
繼續我的人生。