Bone To Be Wild

Happy Halloween Everyone!

My littlest brother went to school this morning wearing a beanie, a cape, one boxing glove, and part of a Grinch costume. The only thought my Mom had as she watched him walk out the door was, "Please God don't let him get beat up."

Last night Hoop and I drove around for three hours picking up pieces for our costumes and ingredients to make popcorn balls. Braving the crowds of irritated parents and kids the night before Halloween is not something I would recommend for the faint of heart. "You can either be a fairy or a hippie!" I heard one Mom snap to her angry little boy. "I want to be a pirate!" He wailed in response. "Well you should have thought about that last week before they ran out of everything."

Two hours later I was feeling much the same as that frustrated Mom had. "Can we go home now?!" I begged Hoop as he dug through a bin of multicolored hair spray. "I need a can of red." After everything had finally been found and bought we piled into the car to go home. "So where exactly are we going?" Hoop asked. I thought over the many bars in the area, surely one of them would be having a costume party. "I don't know. Where do you want to go?" Hoop thought for a minute. "Well the Shores have a much better neighborhood. The houses are closer together, and-" Then it dawned on me...

"Wait. Are we going trick-or-treating?" "Isn't that what you had in mind?" I burst into laughter. No wonder it had been so difficult convincing him to dress up! "Aren't we too old?!" Hoop shrugged. "Do you really think they'll turn us down?" So there you have it. For the first time in ten years I may be going trick-or-treating tonight. I dug around all morning looking for a kid I could borrow. But none could be found on such short notice. Maybe we can just follow behind some cute little family. I hope we don't get egged.

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Tink: Look! *Points to an advertisement on the side of a Winnebago*
Hoop: "Costumes, Masks and More."
Tink: We could stop there.
Hoop: No, I don't think so.
Tink: Why not? It doesn't hurt to check it out.
Hoop: I am NOT shopping in a Winnebago. I mean, how much stuff could they possibly have in there?
Tink: *Cracks up*
Hoop: What in the hell is so funny?

************

Sorry for the late posting. I'm a bit frazzled this week. So instead of giving you the whole weekend recap in one lump, I'm going to save my sanity and post it in bite sizes.

Friday: Hoop and I drove down to Ormond Beach to meet up with some of his family from Tennessee. His Dad, Nash's little boy, Nana, and Nana's husband were all camped out at a cousin's house for the night. We arrived at (what appeared to be) a quaint country home, nestled in the middle of nowhere. There were horses out back, massive Oak trees in front, and ten large dogs running through the yard. I imagined I'd be happy in a place like that...

...until Bee, Hoop's Dad's cousin, informed us that she was being held hostage by a band of wild Rednecks. These particular country folk liked to get drunk and run down the road at night shooting things. One time they crashed a party she was throwing, just because she hadn't invited them. "I knew something was up as soon as I opened the door. There were five or six of them dirty little hicks, all carrying guns!"

"You didn't invite us, so we're gonna shoot the first person we see!" One of the Rednecks had yelled from the doorway. Apparently they couldn't count, otherwise Bee would have been the "first" person they saw. She must have realized this too. Because instead of getting scared, she simply slammed the door in their faces. This is the part of the story where I would have called the cops. But not her. She went back to her party, enjoyed herself, and then put her house up for sale the next day.

Have a spooktacular evening.

Totally Useless Information

Also known as...

FAQs About Tink:

1. Do you know how to change the tire on your vehicle? I do, in theory. When I got my first car, a 1985 Plymouth Reliant relic, I was eager to learn all there was about car maintenance. I learned how to change a tire, check the oil, and Armor-All the seats for maximum slippage. Of course none of that came in handy when my water pump broke, the belts snapped, and I lost power steering. Such is life.

2. Why can't I stop thinking about the kissing homeless people? Because I've been trained in the art of mental imprinting. Mwahaha!

3. What's the weirdest place you've ever done it? On top of a picnic table. There was so much graffiti on the awning above us I couldn't concentrate. I kept interrupting to read things like, "I did your sister here" and "Freshmen Rule!"

4. What's the most public place you've ever done it? On the beach under a full moon. The glare off the white sand was so bright I could see for miles. Of course that was nothing compared to the glare off my pasty body. I'm sure that's NOT what the tourists had in mind when they heard they were going to be seeing the "sights."

5. Where would you love to do it? When I was young and dumb (and evidently deranged) I had fantasies of getting it on in a tub full of milk. Maybe I thought it would give me healthy skin? I don't know. Nowadays I'd settle for somewhere with a fantastic view, and privacy.

6. How many things are on your "to do" list before you die? How many things have you scratched off? My daily "To-Do" list is over a page long. So you can only imagine how large my LIFETIME one is! I don't ever expect to scratch it all off though. I believe everyone should have something to look forward to. The last thing on my list is sky-diving... Just in case it really is the last thing I do.

7. Name 3 people, not related to you or that live in your house, famous or not, that inspire you. Just three? I'm inspired by many writers: Kurt Vonnegut, Fannie Flagg, Jean M. Auel, Paulo Coelho, Morgan Llywellyn, Douglas Adams, C.S. Lewis, Lois Lowry, HG Wells. It is a dream of mine to have something published one day. I admire those who've accomplished that. I especially respect those who write well enough to transport me out of the moment, or get me to think in a different way.

8. What is your biggest guilty pleasure? Blogging and picking my nose. Both are SO fulfilling, and yet very few people know I do them.

9. What's the meaning of life? 42, duh.

10. If a train leaves Boston at 4:57 pm EST and heads southwest at 81.123 mph and another train leaves San Diego at 5:32 pm PST and heads Northeast at 55.49 Kph at what time will it be that Santa Claus reaches his 100th house in Wichita? I was under the impression Santa steered clear of Kansas. No one wants to end up like Toto. Poor Toto.

11. If you could go back in time and change one, JUST ONE, decision would you and what would it be? My knee jerk reaction is to say, "I wouldn't change anything, because that might change who I am." But that's bullshit. I know EXACTLY what I would change. I would go back to fourth grade. It was two weeks before Christmas, and we were all standing in line at the school gift shop with our borrowed money. I had picked out a really "nifty" unicorn necklace for my Mom. Then I realized I had to pee, bad. I asked my teacher if I could go, but she insisted I make my purchase first. The alternative was not to buy gifts. So I stuck it out for three more minutes. Then I pissed all over myself... Not to mention on the shoes of the kids standing next to me and the rolls of quarters I had laid out on the floor. If I could go back in time, I would have sat on the lap of that old bat instead.

12. Just exactly what is pickled beef and have you ever prepared or eaten it? Pickled Beef is often referred to as Corned Beef or Brined Beef, and usually has the word "tongue" following it. I have never eaten nor prepared this dish. Something about serving up specified body parts grosses me out. "Would you like some tongue? No? How about an arm or a nose?"

13. Are there ever days when you and Hoop don't have a conversation that's blogable? All the time. Fortunately my life (and those in it) lend other things to blog about. I imagine some day I'll run out of things to talk about. Then we'll all sit around and stare at each other... Or rather our screens. Let's hope that's a long way off.

14. How tall are you? How tall is Hoop? I am 5 foot, 4 inches. Hoop is 5 foot, 8 inches. I don't where heels that often. ;)

15. Who does your hair? The same gal who's done it for the last seven years. I used to wear it really short and spiky. Now that I've grown it out, I wear it in a pony tail 90% of the time. I'd cut it, but I'd rather wait until it's at least long enough to donate.

16. What sort of different things are you looking for in your new house purchase? Hoop and I are looking for something slightly larger, with more land, and not built on a toxic waste dump. Did I mention I saw a lizard on our fence with TWO heads?

17. How did you get so brave? (remember the fight at the hotel when you were on vacation?) I've always considered myself really stupid and lucky. The "stupid" part makes it appear that I'm brave. The "lucky" part keeps it that way.

18. When you are walking on the beaches that are mostly shells, are you barefoot? Do you have to wear shoes? Does it hurt if you don't wear shoes? The ocean tends to round anything it plays with. So very rarely do we step on anything sharp enough to hurt. There's always the odd occasion. It's worth it though! Shoes are too easily lost in the hills of sand, and squishing your toes in the stuff is highly therapeutic.

19. Were you always this good at relationships? Because you and Hoop make it seem like second nature to be perfect together. Egad, NO. I was notorious for taking on strays and sticking in relationships (intimate and friendly) that were not healthy. I'm fortunate to have Hoop. He's the only person that's ever "gotten" me. He breaks my foulest moods with laughter and makes every day an adventure. Sometimes you have to fish awhile before you catch anything good. The trick is not to give up and don't settle for the small shit.

20. Is your favorite food sushi? It's one of them. I get burned out on foods pretty quickly. I'll eat them until I O.D. and can't eat them again for six more months. So my favorite foods tend to change often.

21. Are you scared of anything?
Clowns.
Spiders.
Reaching into the garbage disposal.
Having an embarrassing death (like, "Chopped up by garbage disposal.")

22. Do you make up the Hoop conversations? Nope. They're 100% all natural. Believe it or not.

23. Do you plan on having any kids? How many would you have? I'd love to have kids someday. I always imagined I'd have three. But I'm not fool enough to think I know that for sure :).

Thanks to everyone who participated! You guys are awesome. Feel free to email if you have any more.


Contest courtesy of Odd Mix:

A "lame" roadside attraction...


...compared to this "beautiful" one.


Late last night we sat around a bonfire.

If you stare at it long enough it begins to resemble a fiery waterfall.

(Some Random Weekend Pictures)

Just Because


Fountain, Blue


A Bunch Of Cocks


Paper Wings


I'm running a bit behind today, so look for the "Weekend Recap" tomorrow!

Bums In Love

(No, that's not a reference to Hoop and I. Even though we will be homeless soon.)

Last night as we were sitting at a red light, we noticed two bums disturbing a charity worker. The charity worker, another creature of "annoyance" if you ask me, had been walking up and down the lane with his little can of change when he was confronted. Hoop and I couldn't hear them, but we could guess what their actions meant. "Food!" The male bum motioned to the gentleman. Although he could have been stating that he wanted to eat his hand like a sandwich. "Change!" The female bum added, patting her pants as if to show that her legs were still attached.

The charity worker simply shook his head and tried to maneuver around the two. That's when things got ugly. The female bum grabbed the hand of the male bum and then they started kissing. What's that? You thought there'd be violence? Pay attention! I said, "things got UGLY." Just then the light turned green and I almost got rear ended because I couldn't stop staring and mumbling, "Uuuugh." There's your violence for ya. "Aw. Bums in love!" Hoop cried. "You should put that in a scrapbook."

As we were driving past a cop flew in, lights flashing. He slammed up on the median and proceeded to rush out of his car like he was on fire. Say it with me, "Feye Ya!" The kissing bums cowered in his wake. "Get out of here!" The police officer seemed to yell. Or maybe he was just turned on. It could have been, "Give me some of that!" Regardless, a fight ensued and... then we turned into Applebees. I know, I don't like cliff hangers either. Think of it as a, "make your own ending" story. Maybe those bums went to jail. Maybe they threw the cop under a passing truck. Or maybe, they all went behind the car wash for a little game of two-on-one Poker.

The world will never know.

Courtesy of Odd Mix:

The words for this weekend are...

Lame
Late

Don't be lame and submit your pictures late.

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Hoop: I hate when the dogs wake me up in the middle of the night to go out!
Tink: You wait till we have kids.
Hoop: Well, in ten years they should have robot nannies that can do all that for you.
Tink: TEN years?!
Hoop: Somehow I just knew that would be the part you caught.

Stolen From Jay:
Do you have some burning question you need to ask me? I can't fix the burning, THAT you might want to get checked out professionally. But I'll do my best on the answering part. I'm opening the floor to questions. It can be anything, from personal to preposterous. Although I'm holding the right to not answer the perverse, thankyouverymuch. So email or comment away! If there are enough questions by Monday, I'll answer them then.

Have a great weekend!

Homeless For The Holidays

Yesterday, after everything had been straightened out with my Realtor and the contract had been signed, I was notified that there was an inspector at my house. I've been well informed of what an inspection entails. I just thought I'd get more notice. I couldn't help the overwhelming feeling of panic and anger that came over me. For lack of a better description, I felt violated.

The night before I had woken up to the tell tale sound of a dog gagging. For a split second I weighed the option of throwing Duff off the bed and onto the floor. "But then I'll have to clean the carpet." So I let him puke all over us. What I didn't know was that he'd eaten massive amounts of shit (literally) before we'd gone to bed. As I rolled over to wake Hoop up, I stuck my hand straight into a pile of gritty goo.

After Hoop had crawled out of bed, I got up to turn on the lights. It looked like someone's ass had exploded. I almost started crying. Fortunately I was too tired to drum up anything more than determination. "What are we going to do?" Hoop mumbled sleepily. "Get in the guest bed," I barked while pulling off the ruined sheets. It was 1 o'clock in the morning.

Now let's go back forward to that phone call. The moment my Realtor mentioned the inspection, I instantly thought of those stinky sheets. Part of them were in the wash. The other half was ON the washing machine. I hadn't had time to air out the house either. For three hours I thought of little else. Until lunch rolled around. I called my Realtor in hopes of some news. "Oh yeah. They've postponed it until tomorrow."

Of course they had!

After the 21st of next month, Hoop and I will be homeless. Hopefully we'll find a new house before that happens. For the moment I'm focusing on where to stash our things, and who might be able to take the dogs. How much notice do the utility companies need to get things shut off on time? How far can we go without making the drive to work impossible for both Hoop and I? The list keeps piling up. And yet... I'm anxious, but I'm not overly worried. I have no doubt we'll be OK. It'll be a great adventure. I just hope we're not homeless for Christmas. Because I refuse to go without a tree.

And it would look awfully funny on top of my car.

Daily Hoop Conversation:
(While placing an order at McDonalds)
Cashier: You two have the exact same eyes!
Hoop: Uh... Thanks?
(On the way out)
Tink: Hoop?
Hoop: Yes?
Tink: There's something I need to confess.
Hoop: What's that?
Tink: We're... distantly related cousins. *Sigh*
Hoop: Damn it! You know our kids are going to be born with three arms now.
Tink: I know. We're going to spend a fortune in arm removal surgery.
Hoop: And that bothers you more than the incest?
Tink: Well, I DO love you. So as I see it, you're stuck with me now, three-armed kids and all.

Hoop Quote Of The Day:
(While almosts getting sideswiped by another car)
Fuck me up the Donkey ass!

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
(As the dog bounds across the yard)
Hoop: Duff, you're like the Mini Clydesdale to the German Shepard.
Tink: ...
Hoop: ...
Tink: WHAT?
Hoop: I don't know. It sounded smart.

(While at a faculty dinner with Hoop's new company)

Around The Water Cooler:
Hoop: This is my girlfriend Tink.
Coworker: Nice to meet you!
Tink: Good to meet you too.
Coworker: What do you do for a living?
Tink: I work as a Training Coordinator, among other things.
Hoop: That's how we met.
Coworker: Awesome!
Tink: Yeah, I trained him.
Hoop: She taught me how to do my job too.
Tink: *Snort*
Coworker: Huh? *Confused look* Ohhhh. I get it now!

Around The Water Cooler 2:
Coworker: I wish I'd brought my camera.
Tink: I have one!
Coworker: You do? Wow! That's great.
Hoop: She is great. That's why I hired her for the night.
Tink: Yeah, I was the "Come Prepared" package.
Hoop: By the way, what time do I need to get you back?
Coworker: *Blink*

Wrong Number

A story that should make Teebs feel a whole lot better about her hairy leg.

Before I owned my telephone number it belonged to a man named John Stewart. Don't get your panties in a bunch. I'm sure it wasn't the John Stewart, famous television/news host. This John had a landscaping business... and evidently a slew of overdue bills. It was kind of funny at first. I would get a call every day or so for a mowing job or a hedge trim. It was kind of like prank calling, only I didn't have to call anyone. Every time the phone would ring my roommate and I would topple over each other trying to reach the phone first.

"Hairy's Meat Market! We slice 'em and dice 'em."
"Charlotte's Whore House. Charlotte speaking."
"Bill's Pool Hall. More balls then you can handle!"

After a year it trickled down to one caller. She was old, and obviously hard of hearing. For eight months my answering message said, "Hi this is Tink. NOT JOHN STEWART. I don't own a lawn service. I never have owned a lawn service. I will never own a lawn service. So please stop calling me. Thanks!" She left a message three times. "Hello? This is Mrs. Such-n-Such. I need my lawn mowed next week." Maybe all she heard was "John Stewart...Lawn Service...Thanks!" I gave up.

Then the bill collectors started up. I explained the situation to the non-automated ones, and selected the "doesn't live here" option for the rest. And still, they persisted. One company went as far as to call every night at exactly 9:45 pm. So I waited for an operator. "Is John Stewart available?" the man on the line asked. I took a deep breath. Hoop held his.

"For three years I've been getting calls for John Stewart," I started off slowly. "I don't know a John Stewart. But apparently I did something to him in another life because I keep getting his calls! Now, could you please take me off your list?" "So... You don't know Mr. Stewart?" The man asked. I exhaled. "NO." "Ok. Sorry for the trouble. I'll have your contact information removed. But I have to ask, WHY did you keep the phone number if it's so much trouble?" "Because it's MINE, OK? I like the fucking numbers." "Oh," the guy stuttered. "Have a nice night."

Sunday I called the house looking for Hoop. I didn't get him, I got the answering machine instead. So I thought I'd be funny. "Hello? I'm looking for John Stewart. I need my bush whacked." Ha ha ha. Two nights later I was standing at the counter when I noticed the machine light blinking. So I hit the button. As soon as the recording started I groaned and yelled out to Hoop, "Oh my God! When will these stupid people ever stop calling?!" Then I realized... it was MY message. I was the stupid person calling.

In Other News: Things are nuts right now. More so than normal ;). I'll post updates soon, along with some "Daily Hoop Conversations." Stick with me guys. Pickled Beef will be back to normal soon!

No Vacancy

My brain is rebelling.

I feel like I have three Yiddish mother's harbored in my head. They're all chattering away and I can't understand a damn thing they're saying.

******************
We have a meeting tonight. Translation, tons of work for me and a free dinner for everyone else. Every quarter I spend two days creating a 200 slide presentation that gets chopped down to 80 slides five minutes before the meeting. While everyone else gets to enjoy their food, I'm eating my nails and hurriedly cutting and splicing things I spent hours trying to get "just right."

Two meetings into the job I asked my boss, "Can I skip this one? I already know what it's all about." He looked at me like I'd grown three boobs. After I'd diverted his attention back up to my eyes, he replied "You're part of the team. You need to attend." I'm the only chick, among 30-something men. Maybe I'm filling a quota? "You must have an equal number of races... and one token woman."

******************
We have an offer on the house. Better yet, it's a DECENT offer. I've been back and forth with Satan my Realtor all day. Evidently these buyers are getting 100% financing. Which means their bank will only cover the cost of the house, not the closing fees. "The obvious way around this," my Realtor chimed, "would be to up the asking price by five grand and have you pay the closing costs." Did you notice the catch? It's written across the dagger sticking out of my back.

That increases her commission.

Sneaky little bitch isn't she? After it dawned on me I called her back. "As I'm sure you've realized, this raises your cut." She didn't even have the courtesy to act surprised. "This doesn't have anything to do with that honey." My teeth grit down on the sentiment. "So it wasn't your suggestion?" She paused. "It was. But you want this deal to go through don't you?" What I want is to pay her exactly what she's worth, $.83... And would you believe it? That's the precise amount of change I have in my purse right now. It's a sign!

On a brighter note, we may be moving soon!

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Hoop: I got all the way to work this morning before I realized I was an hour early.
Tink: Oh no! So what did you do?
Hoop: Do you promise not to think less of me?
Tink: Of course.
Hoop: I pulled into a parking space and played my PSP.
Tink: That's better then pulling into a parking space and jacking off.
Hoop: What? How does your mind make that leap?
Tink: You're the dude. How does yours NOT?

Hoop Quote Of The Day:
Hoop: *Yells in his sleep* Time for a cigarette!

October Search Terms:
(What people put into search engines that bring them here)
1. Que Sera Balls (That will be balls) WTF?
2. Stinky Dumpster Diving It's rarely pleasant. Might I suggest "cardboard only" bins?
3. birthday spanking birthday spanking "pinch"
4. "irrational fear of midgets"

McMonday

Weekend Recap:
1. Friday night Hoop and I toasted his first week of work with Lattes and Chai.
2. Which was preceded by Sushi and followed by Creme Brulee Cheesecake.
3. As I was burping up the combination that night, I decided getting piss ass drunk would have been a better way to celebrate.
4. Saturday afternoon our eventful day of doing nothing was interrupted by a knock on the door.
5. This is the part where I tell you something great happened that will change Hoop and my life forever.
6. Unfortunately, I won't know if that's true for three more months.
7. Our guests were an older couple interested in looking at the house. Evidently they'd been trying to call my Realtor all day to no avail.
8. Have I mentioned how glad I am this woman is working so hard for me?
9. After checking out the house, the couple struck up a conversation about Realtors. "They're a huge waste of time and money. We'd much rather do a transaction without them."
10. Then they left me with their numbers and the suggestion that I call them once my contract was up.
11. If I were a superhero, old people would be one of my weaknesses. I can't seem to keep my mouth shut when they're around.
12. Before they left they had me confessing to problems with the neighborhood... "It's mostly Rednecks. They like to surf in the ditches when it rains."
14. ...and agreeing to drive out and look at their modular for sale. "It's a modular? It has less land AND house? It's in the biggest redneck district of North Florida? Awesome!"
15. What the hell is wrong with me?
16. Early this morning my Realtor called to inform me that activity is increasing again on my house. "Someone's coming by to look at it today! Oh, and we got a few calls about it over the weekend."
17. Of course she failed to mention she didn't answer those calls.
18. Saturday night Hoop and I went out to see "The Departed."
19. For weeks I've been bottling up emotions about Hoop's new job, my struggle with work and the house, and my never ending obligation to keep everything running.
20. As we stood in the theater parking lot all of those bottled-up emotions finally spilled over, reducing me to a babbling mess.
21. After Hoop got over his initial shock and confusion, we walked around the theater a half dozen times to discuss ways of making me... less messy.
22. People stared as they left the theater. I'm sure they were wondering, "What movie did SHE watch?"
23. Order has since been restored. We went and saw the movie, two hours later. And it wasn't half bad.
24. The most important thing is that I have a wonderful man who doesn't freak at me crying in the middle of a parking lot like an idiot. Instead, he tells me everything's going to be OK and then lets me wipe my snotty nose all over his shirt.
25. When we left for home at 10pm there were 9 cops surrounding the theater, plus a check point. Then a voice called out over a loud speaker, "Anyone under the age of 18 that is here after midnight will be taken to jail."
26. Curfew is a huge deal in Jacksonville. It's so huge the cops ignore all the prostitutes (we counted two) and bums (one offered us Vodka) just down the street from the theater.
27. Sunday, Mom and I went out Christmas shopping. Well that was the excuse anyway. I think I bought more things for myself than anyone else.
28. That doesn't make me selfish. Lotion and books makes ME happy, which makes everyone else around me happy too. See how that works?
29. Mom told me a story about a guy who was eating at her local McDonalds a few days ago. In the middle of his meal he stood up and announced, "I have Boardwalk!"
30. Everyone in the restaurant started applauding.
31. Fifteen minutes later he announced it was a joke, and people started pelting him with their drinks.
32. Then the restaurant manager asked him to leave. Apparently the workers of the restaurant where the winning piece is discovered win something as well. The employees had begun celebrating the moment the man had announced he'd won.
33. Sheesh. Nice joke. I wonder, was it worth it?
34. Last night Hoop and I went to a local haunted house put on by the sheriff's department.
35. It cost $4 to get in, and it was better than most of the haunted houses we'd seen at Halloween Horror Nights. Go figure, huh?
36. No matter how good it was though, I couldn't help but feel dirty about giving the cops money. "I STILL don't think that speeding ticket in 2002 was justified!"
37. P.S. 13's gone invisible, and I'm too lazy to go find it.


Contest courtesy of Odd Mix:

Delicate

Like this church window, religion itself can be a delicate subject.

Intense

This Fire Breather's act was so intense my camera couldn't decide what to focus on.

(Some Random Weekend Pictures)

Crowded


A Face In The Door

Thinking Room

I don't think about anything when I'm sitting on the toilet.

I get in. I get done. I get out.

Evidently I'm not utilizing my time well enough.

"I'm off to the Thinking Room!" One of the sales guys yelled yesterday as he walked into the restroom. I think my mind is too impressionable. One little comment and suddenly that's all I can think about. It doesn't help that my office is right next to the men's bathroom.

Now when two or more guys go in I can't help but wonder... "Are they having a meeting?" A manager comes over to spout off some great idea and my first reaction is, "Why was he thinking about ME while doing THAT?"

So this morning I'm sitting on the can, trying to think, and nothing is happening... from either end. Maybe I can't multi-task? "Think about the story you're writing," I told myself. So I did. Well, I tried. It took five minutes before I realized I was counting the number of kingdoms I'd already introduced into the fable.

It's five if you're curious.

"Well that's stupid. They'd have to be right next to each other. It would be like a castle multiplex!" Five minutes after that, "Then again, my two main characters are a fairy and a wolf. I mean, which is more absurd? I knew I should have wrote a murder mystery instead. Ah, it'll be fine." Then I pulled up my pants and left the restroom.

I got all the way back to my office before I realized something... I'd forgotten to poop.

How does one FORGET to poop?!

October Search Terms:
(What people put into search engines that bring them here)
1. Waldo decoy pop out Halloween Is that so the real one can get away with the loot?
2. office zombie That's me before I'm filled up with coffee.
3. what are a pickled boobs Um... I think you need to take your medication now.
4. i'm boobless It could be worse. You could have innies.

Courtesy of Odd Mix:

The words for this weekend are...

Delicate
Intense

I double dog dare you.

Around The Water Cooler:
Sales Manager: I can't get this to print!
Tink: I'll be right over.
Sales Manager: *Click, click, clickclickclick*
Tink: STOP.
Sales Manager: I don't understand! I'm hitting the "Print" button.
Tink: So you went to "File," then "Print" and-
Sales Manager: -No. There's a print button ON the screen.
Tink: What? *Leans over and looks at the screen* That's not going to do you any good.
Sales Manager: Why not? It worked when I clicked it on the web page.
Tink: But this is a Word document.
Sales Manager: So?
Tink: And this thing you keep clicking on?
Sales Manager: Yeah?
Tink: It's a print screen

In Other News: Wednesday night Hoop's car broke down on the side of the highway. This wasn't surprising to me. It had been overheating for two days. Hoop on the other hand acted as if the car were merely having a bad moment. "It'll start right back up. It just needs some water and to sit for a couple minutes." So I sat, white knuckled as the semi-trucks rushed by, waiting for Hoop's miracle. To my disbelief, it started up on the first try. I followed him to the next exit, my leg shaking so bad on the pedal I thought I was running out of gas. $400 and a new water-pump later, Hoop's car (Christine, as I call her) is back in commission. I'm just waiting to see what else this week is going to throw my way before Saturday.

Have a wonderful weekend!

ADverse Side Effects

(Thank you Folioweekly for providing the blog fodder.)

Women Seeking Men:

FOR ALL SEASONS. Beautiful, intelligent blonde, 5'4", smoldering green eyes, seeks chemistry with man (45-55) who is financially stable, does not smoke/drink and can impress a lady who will be your friend for all seasons. Prefer white, earth signs, clean background. She bases her relationships on sun signs... and her eyes are on fire. This lady sounds like a FREAK.

Men Seeking Women:

FRIENDSHIP AND FUN. Asian-Indian professional, 50s, in search of white female, non-smoker, 30-50, for daytime friendship and companionship. Daytime only. Otherwise the wife might find out.

EASY GOING & KIND. 49, 5'7", kind, easy going, would like to meet a single white female, age open, who likes dining out, movies, dancing, walks on the beach, reading and malls. "Hmm. What else do women like? Puppies? Babies? Nah, that would be too obvious."

I Saw You:

TURKEY JETTA MAN. Do you want to put the panic in my disco? I'll take a spin in your VW as payment for that ticket. If age isn't an issue you know where to find me. If you just want to be friends, that's OK.

SEXY BEARDED MAN. You: short, hairy, bearded man, no shirt, short shorts, kept clapping at Jags game Monday night. Me: short, husky, Mexican male wearing "99" jersey, hamburger hat. You were clapping so loud I couldn't ask your name. What's up? Where the hell do you buy a hamburger hat exactly?

2 Minutes Of Random Thoughts:
Start. For awhile I've believed there were ghosts in my office. It's not so far fetched. I had a Spanish ghost living in my car when I was 18. He liked to flicker the lights and change my radio stations around. I guess it must get pretty boring being a ghost. Anyway. I realized where the "mysterious" sounds were really coming from this morning... the vents. I kept hearing voices, and not the fun in-your-head kind that tell you people are stealing your underwear while you sleep. I had a roommate like that once. She whole heartedly believed in aliens too. She couldn't watch "Signs" without a sedative. But now I'm just rambling. Every day the voices would start up and I would walk around the office trying to find their source. Nothing. Today I finally got fed up and screamed at them, "SHUT UP!" Miraculously they stopped. And then came a teeny tiny voice from above me. "Sooooorrry!" End.

DOT: Twisted Tink has been updated with a new chapter, "The Greedy King." Click on over and see where Tink and Wolf's next great adventure will lead them.

Where Shit Meets Fan

Round One: They cut AG open yesterday only to realize the new pacemaker was too big. So they stuffed the old faulty one back in and sewed him up. Um... Shouldn't they have thought this thing out a little better before putting an 80-something year old man under and then cutting him up for no fucking reason?

Shit takes a running leap at Fan.

Round Two: Emma's new family has decided they don't want her anymore. Evidently the puppy they bought when they rescued her is a lot more "appealing." The worst part is, they didn't even contact my family to see if we wanted her. Instead they're donating her to a hunting friend of theirs who already has 10 hounds. Poor Emma. Where will she end up next?

Fan counters with several chopping motions.

Round Three: Yesterday after work I cooked, cleaned, swept, did two loads of laundry, one load of dishes, made lunches for two (one with a cute little "I love you" note in it), and helped Hoop pick out an outfit for today. This morning I made the beds, fed the dogs, unloaded the dishwasher, picked up the clothes Hoop had thrown out of the dryer and THEN got ready for work. Is it any wonder I have "What have you done for me lately?" running through my head?

Shit covers Fan... Shit wins.

Not Far From The Tree:
Tink: Guess what Hoop's job is making him do next week.
Mom: Oh no, what?
Tink: Dress up like Caesar!
Mom: Caesar?
Tink: Evidently it's for some kind of "Customer Appreciation Week."
Mom: The guy who won't dress up for Halloween will be going to work in a TOGA?
Tink: *Snort* Uh huh.
Mom: I hate companies like that. I once worked for an office that believed in morning meetings where everyone hugged each other.
Tink: I don't like people talking to me in the morning, let alone touching me.
Mom: Yeah I said "screw this shit" and quit after two days.

Tagged by Mamalujo1 (Who's currently on hiatus. The ass.):

The Great Book Meme

1) One book that changed your life: I began the "Clan Of The Cave Bear" series (by Jean M. Auel) when I was in the fifth grade. As I've mentioned before, I wasn't a popular kid. I had long stringy blonde hair and coke-bottle glasses. I was book smart, but didn't really have a clear sense of self. Ayla was someone I could look up to. She taught perseverance, ingenuity, and that all people have the capability of discovering something divine within themselves. I've read the series four times over the last 13 years.

2) One book that you would read more than once: "The Ultimate Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy" by Douglas Adams. No matter how many times you read this book you'll always find new things to love about it.

3) One book you'd want on a deserted island: "How To Build A Wooden Boat" by David McIntosh and Samuel Manning. Because let's face it, if I'm on a deserted island the first thing I'm going to want is to get the hell off of it. Of course if that book isn't available I'd settle for Papa Bear's Military Survival Guide too.

4) One book that made you laugh: "Fried Green Tomatoes at The Whistlestop Cafe" by Fannie Flagg. The book is so well written you become totally immersed in the story and the characters. I skipped out on meals and sleep just so I could finish it in one day. Then I read it all over again just to soak it in.

5) One book that made you cry: "Snow Flower and The Secret Fan" by Lisa See. The story takes place in 19th century China where footbinding and arranged marriages are common practice. It leads you through the lives of two very different girls who were bound for life and broken by miscommunication. I really love this novel, not just for the historical view points, but because we all have our "feet bound" in some way. Often we follow what is expected of us, never questioning whether it's right or wrong.

6) One book you wish you'd written: "Roots" by Alex Haley. Besides the fact that it's a beautifully written piece about the hardships of African American slaves in America... I would LOVE to see the look on people's faces after I announce that little ol' white me is the author of it.

7) One book you wish had never been written: "The Rules" by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider, some of the biggest bullshit ever published. When this book first came out gullible women everywhere started hopping on the bandwagon. Not only did the book's "get married to Mr. Right quick" scheme backfire for most of those who practiced it, but one of the authors ended up getting a divorce!

8) One book you're currently reading: Nothing at the moment. I haven't had time. :(

9) One book you've been meaning to read: "Kushiel's Scion" by Jacqueline Carey. I don't usually buy books based on the cover. We all know the old adage for that one. But "Kushiel's Dart," the first book of this series, had such a beautiful cover I couldn't resist. I would have been satisfied if the book had been crap, so long as I could have the picture on the front. Fortunately, the book was wonderful and I zipped right through all three. I plan on picking up this latest edition once it's a little less expensive.

Under The Rug

Weekend Recap:
1. Thursday night Hoop's AG (Alzheimer Grandfather) passed out at the dinner table and couldn't be roused.
2. The hospital is pretty sure it was a heart attack, although they can't be sure. Naturally, AG has no memory of it.
3. When we went to visit, Hoop and I expected the worst. I envisioned a bedridden old man hooked up to feeding tubes, monitors, a *shudder* catheter.
4. Instead we were greeted at the door by a cheerful "Hello!" and the sight of AG rushing around his room as if on crack, moving the bed and unplugging things...
5. ...including his I.V.
6. He was under the impression the nurses were screwing things up just to spite him. "That doesn't get plugged in there. Don't they know anything? It goes over here!"
7. He also believed his wife had stuck him in the hospital so she could have some peace and quiet.
8. We assured him there were much cheaper ways of doing that.
9. AG's going under the knife today to get a new pacemaker. Keep him in your thoughts for us.
10. Although he probably doesn't need it. The man has a profound will to live. He's probably going to outlast Hoop and I.
11. Friday, Hoop and I went out to go clothes shopping for his new job.
12. I realized within the first thirty minutes that I didn't know nearly as much as I'd thought...
13. ...and that Hoop knew even less.
14. Fortunately, a gentleman at JC Penny's took pity on us and gave instructions on the basic needs of someone starting out in the corporate world.
15. Which of course included NOTHING of what we'd previously bought. Fuck!
16. Thank God we have that Money Tree.
17. On the way into the mall we stopped by a place called "Puppy Village."
18. It consisted of one dirty and dimly lit room. In the middle of that room were 20-25 plastic kiddie houses lined up in a circle. Each plastic house contained a different breed of puppy.
19. The place should have been named "Puppy Mill Village."
20. Then we came across a group of people admiring a tiny bird that had run into a glass window.
21. As I picked it up to relocate it Hoop chimed in with, "It probably has the bird flu."
22. A man nearby took three steps back and told us to "have a nice day."
23. I'm assuming the bird was OK. It was gone when we got out.
24. Saturday at 10 Hoop and I were awoken by the sound of the phone.
25. Yeah you heard me, 10. We go to bed late, OK?
26. It was the real estate agency. There were prospective buyers on the way.
27. In a sleepy haze I asked, "WHO is this?!" It's been a month since anyone came to look at the house. I think I forgot the house was even for sale.
28. After requesting a 30 minute delay, Hoop and sprinted through the house picking up dishes and dirty clothes. 20 minutes later we parked down the street with the dogs, tired and pant-less. I was too concerned with cleaning to think about clothes.
29. 15 minutes after that, with no sign of the buyers, I called the real estate agency back. "Oh yeah! They called and canceled." The realtor replied.
30. I didn't know whether to laugh, cry, or just crawl back into bed.
31. Saturday night we all went out to celebrate MY Grandfather's birthday.
32. The restaurant we always meet at has the most awful food. But it's a good central point, so we continue going.
33. That night I made the mistake of ordering the soft shell crab sandwich.
34. I didn't know "soft shell" meant that they'd cook the crab WHOLE.
35. I knew something was wrong the moment I took off the bun and saw a deep fried patty with two claw shaped lumps sticking out.
36. But I'm adventurous... and cheap. I figured if I was being charged for it, I might as well try it.
37. I took a bite. *CRUNCH* As I pulled away from the sandwich a piece of soggy shell dangled off my lip. I almost puked.
38. I think I'll order a salad next time.
39. Jump ahead to this morning... Hoop started his new job at a financial company!
40. He woke me up at 6:30 to announce that he could see his nipples through his shirt.
41. Evidently we'd remembered to buy everything BUT undershirts.
42. After a quick wardrobe change Hoop was on his way.
43. Once he'd left I walked around the house picking up the trail of disguarded tags that ran from the bathroom, to the bedroom, to the closet, to the hallway, to the kitchen...
44. Think he was nervous this morning? ;)


Contest courtesy of Odd Mix:

Hello (New Friend)




Good-bye (Sun)


(Some Random Weekend Pictures)

Shrimp Fishing


Berry Vine


Bright Idea


Nothing But Time


Tomorrow, a meme passed to me from Mamalujo1.

You can't keep a Blogger down...

It seems the Google Gods don't hate me anymore. I'm still researching our problem. Hopefully I'll have something useful to add by Monday.

UPDATE: Have you met Nunuf of Fickle and Whim? She's a friggin genius. The code she found that disables right-clicking can be found here. You can test it out on both our blogs to see if it's something you'd like to do too. Thank you Nunuf!

Punching Chads: So far on the 10/06/2006 poll about what unites us as bloggers, 55 people have voted.

70.9% of us came seeking a creative outlet
52.7% are looking for friends that share the same interests
36.4% are interested in photography
34.5% are bored with their job/life
32.7% are passing along a message or experience
21.8% are knitting or sewing hobbyists
18.2% are estranged from one or both parents
14.5% are going through a happy transition
12.7% are expecting an addition to the family
7.3% are mourning a loss.

Hunger Strike: Things have been wonky ever since Hoop quit his job last July. He stays up late. I get up early. We're rarely hungry at the same times anymore. The latter is the most upsetting. For the most part my weekdays are planned out for me. I get very little choice in what happens from 8-6, Monday through Friday. And from 6 on there are chores to be done, dogs to be played with, and dinner to be made. Ahhh dinner. I'm a skinny Italian. So I think when it comes to food there's a stereotypical fat Italian calling out from my subconscious, "Shovel it in PIGGY!" It's right up there with showers and sex.

I came home on Tuesday night craving Sushi. Hoop seemed agreeable enough when I mentioned it. But 30 minutes later as we drove toward the Japanese restaurant, he changed his mind. "I'm just really not that hungry babe." I don't like to eat alone. I especially don't like to eat alone with someone watching me. So it was obvious that Sushi was out. The idea of fast food repulsed me and I knew our cabinets were bare at home. So we went elsewhere in the hopes that Hoop would regain his appetite in a little bit.

The later it got, the grumpier I became. Until finally I was feeling starved and down right mean. Suddenly the whole thing had become an evil plot in my mind. "He's TRYING to starve me. He doesn't care if I eat or not. It's all about him. Fine. I'm not going to eat at all! And when I pass out, he'll be sorry." I know, it was completely irrational. But to be fair, I have low blood sugar. My brain stops working when my tank hits empty. So we headed over to his Mom and Grandparents' house.

"You want some food?" His Grandma asked when we walked in. "No, I'm fine." I grumbled while giving Hoop the stank-eye. "You should eat," Hoop suggested. I flopped down in the nearest chair and struck up a conversation with his Mom instead. Five minutes later Grandma strolled in and set a plate of hot Sloppy Joe in front of me. "I don't care if you're hungry or not! If you don't want it, leave it there." And then she was gone. I stared at the plate for a minute, determined to continue my food strike. But it looked so good. I demolished the meal in record time. After I was finished I went over and gave Hoop's Grandma a hug.

"I knew she would solve everything." Hoop told me as we drove home.

I nodded. "Grandma's are good like that."

Daily Hoop Conversation:
(While listening to NIN "The Hand That Feeds.")
Hoop: Would you bite the hand that feeds you?
Tink: Why would I bite my own hand?
Hoop: ...
Tink: Besides, I need that hand. I was only born with two.
Hoop: It doesn't say you have to bite it OFF.
Tink: Yeah, but I never do anything half-assed.

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
Hoop: You say that, "cheating is doing something you couldn't tell your partner about" right?
Tink: Yup.
Hoop: Well, you weren't telling me that you were blogging.
Tink: That's different.
Hoop: No it's not.
Tink: So... you're implying that I was cheating on your with a computer?!
Hoop: *Grins*
Tink: That's right Hoop. Me and Mr... DELL here were getting it on while you weren't home.
Hoop: Oh-ho, Mr. Dell is it?
Tink: Dirty Dell if it pleases you.

Daily Hoop Conversation 3:
Tink: What do you think of the Pumpkin Spiced Ale?
Hoop: Um... I guess it's OK. I'd rather drink a regular beer though.
Tink: *Takes a sip*
Hoop: What do you think?
Tink: It tastes like Sushi.
Hoop: Hmm. I didn't get that at all.

October Search Terms:
(What people put into search engines that bring them here)
1. petnames mans privates Hold on, I'm thinking...
2. "riding the baloney pony" ...there you go!
3. preteen hooker Whatever you heard, it's all LIES!
4. Disney "i think he's trying to tell us something" Yeah like, "I'm really a Pedophile hiding out in this Goofy suit. Come sit on my lap little kid."
5. sexy where's Waldo costumes There is nothing sexy about Waldo.
6. pickled pups Nasty, dude!
7. pickled mullet So you can what, wear it later?!

I'm thinking about playing hookie tomorrow. So in case I don't see you, "Good-afternoon, good-evening, and good-night." Don't forget to stop by Odd Mix's to catch the WWC words for this weekend!

Don't Fuck With Mama

We're losing one of our most prominent bloggers today, Mama Tulip. Be sure to go over there and let her know what she's meant to you.

Personally? I'm hurt... and way beyond pissed. But not toward her. She has very legitimate reasons for leaving. I'm ticked because these "reasons" should have never been a concern for her in the first place. Or for any of us, for that matter. There are websites out there that are stealing our blogs, word for word, and not giving credit to us. They're scalping our pictures, stealing our lives, republishing our stories, and getting PAID for it through advertisements. They may be doing it to you as we speak.

It's called "splogging" and Google isn't doing a damn thing about it. Part of me is worried. But in general, it's made me determined. I refuse to be bullied into shutting down shop. I'm trying to research ways for us to lock down our sites. It's slow going and I'm not very adept at HTML. I'm looking for a code that will disable right-clicking, making it more difficult for copy-and-paste thieves. Then I'm going to focus on a way to cloak our web addresses, or redirect them to a copyright message. I've heard this can be done.

Here are four suggestions that were given to me:

1. Include your blog address in every post title. This way people can tell where the post originally came from if it's stolen and reposted. The down side is, that will pretty much eliminate any room for an actual title.

2. Get off of Blogger. Out of all the blog providers, Blogger is the worst for spam and stolen content. Not only do they not offer any protection to their customers, but they rarely respond or act on complaints about plagiarism.

3. Switch to partial feed. I believe you can do this in Blogger by going to "Settings" and then "Site Feed" and changing the "Descriptions" from full to short. The disadvantage of this is that it's annoying to readers. People like to pop in and pop out, not click around just to read one post.

4. Put a copyright notice at the footer of each post. You can do this by changing a few things around in your template.

A little over half way down you should see this code:

Replace the highlighted areas with this:

Make sure you switch my name and dates with your own.

It's not much, but it is a start.

(UPDATE)I THINK THEY'RE ON TO ME. I have not been able to access Google, Blogger, or Pickled Beef since directly after I posted. But I know others have been able to, since a copy of everyone's comments goes directly to my email. So I'm sorry for not visiting anyone today! Hopefully this message will update, as it's taken me 30 minutes to get on here and I can't check it after it's posted. I'll try again tonight.

Nothin' But Hoop

Hoop spilled our drink at Wendy's today and halted production for TEN minutes. The young man behind the counter stared at us in fascination as we quickly ushered the river of Dr. Pepper away from the register with napkins. "Get a mop!" The elderly cashier finally yelled at him. He groaned and shuffled toward the back. I looked up and made eye contact with the vat handler. She was whispering something to the guy at the window. Not a single person from the back moved. Meanwhile the cashier had stopped ringing people up and was trying to help us sop up the mess. "Um... We can handle it if you want to get back to work." "I can't let you do that," she mumbled wearily. By the time we'd finished, the line had reached the door.

Ten minutes for one spilled drink.

I'd hate to see how they react in a REAL emergency.

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Hoop: ...hermorphodite.
Tink: HerMORPHodite?!
Hoop: Yeah, like Morph and Mindy.
Tink: That's "Mork" and Mindy hon.
Hoop: Whatever. You know what I'm saying. They morph into something, that's for sure.

Daily Hoop Conversation 2:
Tink: Ha! You're dead.
Hoop: Where did you get me?
Tink: Up the butt.
Hoop: Then I'm not dead.
Tink: What? Of course you are!
Hoop: A lightsaber up the ass would NOT kill someone.
Tink: *Stops playing with her flashlight* Yes it would!
Hoop: You might bleed out after awhile.
Tink: What if it punctured your stomach and it exploded?
Hoop: I don't know... People who get shot in the stomach die pretty slowly.
Tink: Maybe it would cook you from the inside. You'd have to be a really quick Jedi to get it up there in the first place. *Arcs flashlight beam through the air*
Hoop: You might be able to get a quick poke in.
Tink: And you're SURE a quick poke to the ass with a lightsaber wouldn't kill anyone?
Hoop: We'll have to ask a nerd.
Tink: I think we ARE the nerds.

Daily Hoop Conversation 3:
Hoop: When the Independence Day preview aired in Japan, the Japanese thought it was real.
Tink: They thought America was under attack?
Hoop: You have to admit, those shots of the white house being blown up were pretty realistic looking.
Tink: Who did they think blew it up?
Hoop: The aliens.
Tink: Wait... What?
Hoop: They thought the movie trailer was a news broadcast and that aliens had come down and blown up the white house.
Tink: AHAHAHA! No way.
Hoop: I'm serious.
Tink: Get the hell outta here!

Please excuse this interruption as I do my happy dance. Hoop just got a call and...

HE HAS A JOB!

Natural High

Contest courtesy of Odd Mix:

High
Low

Click on his link above to check out the participants.

Although I had quite a few high moments this weekend, I didn't capture any of them in photographs. The Halloween Horror Night tickets requested we not bring cameras... Which everyone else chose to ignore. Maybe it was for the best though. I would have hated to drop my "Balls" while taking a picture because someone jumped out to scare me.

Weekend Recap:
1. Friday evening Hoop and I took his Mom down town to the local art walk.
2. They had music playing up and down the street, a Sublime cover band, a jazz group, a violin soloist...
3. ...all jumbled into a one big messy orgy.
4. The thing I love to look at the most while on these art walks isn't the artwork. It's the people.
5. Some people dress up. Some dress down. Some just come for the free food and wine.
6. And almost no one buys anything.
7. I also got a preview of what my life will be like if Hoop and I have kids.
8. Especially if they're like their father, reaching forward as if to TOUCH the two thousand dollar paintings.
9. Saturday morning we dropped the dogs off at my parents' and headed to Orlando.
10. Every other time I've gone to HHN I've skipped out on buying the pricey "Express Pass." It's the golden ticket that allows you to jump lines.
11. This year Hoop decided to bite the bullet, handing out $120 big ones for the luxury.
12. I don't think it's fair to base the quality of treatment you receive on how much money you have to spend. But...
13. ...my GOD it was nice not having to wait in 1-3 hour lines!
14. We whipped by the grumpy crowds of people, dodging the screams of "Take me with you!"
15. To which Hoop yelled back, "Not a chance Peasants!"
16. Early into the night we decided to take a break from the haunted houses and catch a show.
17. And then the sky opened up and rained on everyone's parade...
18. ...except for us. We were safely under a canopy watching "Bill and Ted's Excellent Halloween Adventure."
19. The whole show was nothing but a parody of movies from 2006. There was a gay Superman sporting a red silk thong and a drunk Jack Sparrow.
20. They were nothing compared to the Selene (Underworld) look-alike though. She could do cartwheels up and down the stage in a black leather suit but couldn't shoot a bad guy that was two feet in front of her.
21. When we got out the park was wet... and people had lost their fucking minds.
22. The first thing I noticed was a young man running and shouting through the crowd, his whitey tighties on his head like a hat.
23. Then a large woman plowed her seven year old into the cement trying to outrun a clown that had jumped out at her.
24. The kid was OK. Not that the Mom noticed. She was too busy hugging a light post and screaming, "Oh ma LAWD it's scurry!"
25. And then there was the group of kids who kept taunting the poor zombies.
26. Bet you never thought you'd hear that sentence.
27. One of the haunted houses had a bathroom in it that was covered in water and fake poop. As if the visuals weren't bad enough it actually SMELLED like poo too.
28. Hoop gagged a couple times as I cheerfully pointed out the splatters on the wall. "Isn't that REALISTIC looking?!"
29. I think that was the only thing that scared Hoop that night.
30. After we left the park we went back to the hotel and- Did you really expect me to tell you about that? Pfft. Dream on.
31. We had a great time!
32. It was a fitting anniversary celebration for a couple whose first kiss was in a graveyard. ;)

United We Blog

I'll be honest. I only learned two things from 10th through 12th grade. One was how to roll a perfect joint. The second was something my journalism teacher said. "People unite when faced with a common enemy!" He declared it while standing on top of a desk and brandishing a ruler. At the time he was referring to our school censoring the articles we wrote. Apparently they didn't appreciate our take on "pimped out rides" or "how to skip school in the trunk of someone's car."

But the lesson itself has lived on long past my age of usurping authority figures. It's something that comes to mind every time I surf the blogosphere. Why are we here? Why are YOU here? Is it because we're fighting (or have fought) common "enemies?" Some of us have survived traumatic childhoods or parenting. Some of us are struggling with loss, or loneliness, or boredom. Maybe you're just looking for people who share the same interests. Do you have a message you'd like to pass along? Or are you just inspired? In love? Expecting?

For whatever reason, you're still blogging.

We share that. We're not so different, you and I.

But maybe there are other's who don't know, who think they're alone.

Below is an anonymous poll. It only allowed me to enter 10 choices to choose from, so I chose 10 that I thought were the most common. But if you don't see something that applies to you, that you think is an important reason why you're here, than comment on this post anonymously and tell us what it is. It's a meme of a different sort folks. So you're welcome to steal it, I'll send you the code. Just don't forget to leave your mark by voting as well.

What Unites Us, As Bloggers?

Select up to 10 of the following: Estranged from one or both parents Interested in photography Expecting an addition to your family Knitting or sewing hobbyist Bored with job/life Going through a happy transition Seeking a creative outlet Looking for friends that share the same interests Passing along a message or experience Mourning a loss

Create Free Polls

Poll results can be found HERE.

Look below for the second post to my "Two For One" special!

To Be Undone Redone

When I was 21 I dated a guy that showered me with gifts... a necklace, a washing machine, new clothes, trips to New York. But he knew nothing about me. We rarely laughed or had meaningful discussions about our lives. I appreciated the gifts, but I wasn't impressed. It's not hard to give monetary things to someone who has virtually nothing. In the end our relationship finished as undramatically as it had started, with a whimper.

A year ago this Sunday I started dating Hoop. A man so different from the previous, you could call him his polar opposite. Hoop doesn't show his love by what he can provide in "things." His gifts require no warranties or guarantees. They're in the laugh lines around my mouth, the hope planted in our flower bed, and the inspiration that started this blog. From the first date he began to unravel me, studying me piece by piece. Six months into our relationship I looked at the fallen layers of my life and thought, "Who am I now?" I felt exposed and vulnerable.

Then something amazing happened.

Hoop took up the pieces that he'd worked loose and began to string them back together again. Only this time he began to intertwine his own. For every thread that was mine, he added one that belonged to him. Hoop/Tink/Hoop/Tink/Hoop/Tink. I lay in bed this morning, stroking the wayward hand that Hoop had thrown across my chest. I realized then, I didn't know where he ended and I began anymore. I couldn't imagine myself without this man, without imagining a holey mess.

Courtesy of Odd Mix:

The words for this weekend are...

High
Low

There's never a better time to join the fun!

DOT: Thanks to everyone who commented on Twisted Tink! Especially the "lurkers" who stepped out of their comfort zone to do so. It meant a lot... And it's renewed my faith in the story.

Things That Make You Go "WTF?"
1. When I had my daughter, they cut me from cooch to asshole and I screamed at the doctor, "Don't cut that out! I NEED it!"
2. I think men are born with a limited amount of megabytes for memory.
3. I don't think your lipstick color should match your tongue, do you?

Daily Hoop Conversation:
Hoop: They're having a craft show-
Tink: -in our neighborhood?
Hoop: Nooo. The golf course next door.
Tink: Oh thank God. Can you imagine what the rednecks around here would build?
(Done in a redneck accent)
Hoop: "101 things to make out of beer cans."
Tink: "How to create a rain-proof hat out of old tire tread."
Hoop: "A birdfeeder built from an old muffler."
Tink: "Anthing can be reused! If ya run outta condoms you can cut the fingers off a rubber glove. Although I don't recommend it, cause that's how I got Bubba Jr. and Bubba Jr. Two."
Hoop: Ahahaha! You do that all TOO well.
Tink: "We're expecting Bubbaette any day now!"

Have a SPLENDID weekend!
(We're off to Halloween Horror Nights in Orlando!)

Spooky Dookie

They call me the Pumpkin Charmer.

Ok, ok. I call myself the Pumpkin Charmer.

On Hoop and my second date I took him to Walmart to buy pumpkins. How romantic huh? We dug through the bins for at least 30 minutes before:

(OLD) Daily Hoop Conversation:
Tink: They all look the same.
Hoop: That's because they ARE all the same.
Tink: I don't know how to decide!
Hoop: How about that one?
Tink: Too bumpy. *Calls out* Which pumpkin would like to come home with me?
Hoop: That's not going-
(A pumpkin falls out of the bin and rolls to our feet)
Hoop: What the hell?
Tink: I didn't actually expect that to work.
Hoop: I guess we have our pumpkin.
Tink: Are you kidding me? No way!
Hoop: But...
Tink: It's all bruised now.

Halloween is coming up... in 26 days. I know, I'm jumping the gun. But it's always been my favorite holiday.

What's not to love? There's costumes, and parties, candy, and pumpkin carving. Not to mention the hunt for a perfect Haunted House. Which has always been just an excuse to evoke my inner-critic. "Was that blood supposed to look real? Because it looked like something I'd dip my french fries in." "I'm sorry. I was too busy yawning to fake being scared." Eventually I'll find one that really scares the dookie out of me, and all that money I spent on the rinky-dink local ones will feel like it was well spent.

Hoop's not big into costumes. Until last year, I hadn't missed a single opportunity to pimp my fairy wings. It's the one time a year that anyone can pretend to be anything they want. The girls dress up like sexy angels, or sexy genies, or sexy- well, you get the point. The guys dress up like pirates, or superheroes, or hookers. Hey, whatever floats your boat dude. The point is, we all get to be something else for just one night. Take advantage of it! Release your inner whateveritis.

This year I've practically insisted that Hoop come up with a costume to wear. I think he's leaning toward a devil. I wanted him to be Waldo, from "Where's Waldo?" And I was going to be "Decoy Waldo." The one that almost looks like Waldo, but isn't? No go. So I'm going to hunt down some angel wings this weekend. Because coordinated costumes are cute, dontcha think? Yeah, they kind of make me want to puke too. But I'm going to do it.

Otherwise we're going to be walking around all night as the Devil and Decoy Waldo...

October Search Terms:
(What people put into search engines that bring them here)
1. entire fingernail came off So tell me... Did it grow back?
2. "leave the bra on" How rude.
3. creamed corn lol Have I got a strange dream for you! You'll probably never eat creamed corn again though.
4. house plan skinny
5. "dustin diamond video" No freebies here buddy.

DOT: Twisted Tink has been updated with a new chapter, "A Hairy Tale." I'm beginning to think Teebs is my only reader. So click on over and tell me what you think! Don't forget the Nair.