jus realised how music ties the world together.
was playing a fellow medic's guitar today when dhan, this indian fella, came into the room. handed the guitar to him, asked him to play some songs.
he played some indian-sounding tune. yes, on the classical guitar.
asked me to play, i played romance de amour (yes dat overplayed tune), right here waiting and seagull.
he asked me for the tune of romance, which i wrote down.
i tell u, i hate that guy, with the absolute trouble he's created for us, but after this little exchange, my feelings of hate have slightly diminshed.
this may sound frivolous but hey its true.

and did u realise the songs u remember, even after years of non-practice, are those dat have some significance to u?

i'm still right here waiting for someone, the song seagull reflects my nature and romance... its jus an overplayed song lah. u jus HAVE to know it if u claim to have learnt classical guitar. :P

Can't remember the title of the song but this suddenly popped into my head. Its by Bread. this ancient soft rock band.
lyrics start like these:
If a picture's worth a thousand words
Then I'd ... paint you
...

Cant really make out the rest of wat he's singing. but the whole song's so... poignant.

oh. this thought suddenly popped into my head.

there are like so many cases of guys feeling they're actually women trapped in men's bodies, and have sex-change operations, but are there guys who feel like they're lesbians trapped inside a man's body?

i mean, do lesbians feel like gay men? if a guy were to decide he's lesbian will it do any good for him to chnage his sex, and love a self-professed lesbian?

perhaps i'm having too much coffee. jus perhaps, huh?

Interview today sucked.
Big time.

I realised I'm getting too stressed up. Over trivial things.

But its my future damnit.

Decided to go into one of the dodgy lorongs of Geylang to take a look last night when I was driving home last night. Well I thought, hey I'm in a car, my locks are working, so it wouldn't hurt to take a look yah? Yes, I was slightly drunk. High lah, more like it. Wouldnt have got caught if I was stopped by the traffic police.
But anyways. It was Damn crowded. Lots of men. And women, of course. I'll describe the men first. Different nationalities seemed to gather at different... areas. Foreign... workers? In particular, gathered at this.. intersection. Together with women of... thai? nationalities. Trying to seduce them, probably.
Lots of chinese men stood around the lorongs. Ogling at the women. Some talking with them, probably haggling over prices? A lot of them were just looking at them, though. Seemed to be. Like predators deciding over their prey?
Not a very pretty sight.
Even when you are slightly drunk.
The women. They were not scantily clad, to my surprise. OK they had heavy make-up on, and you probably wouldn't see many of their... costumes in Orchard - many seemed to be in cheap dresses or something like that?
Oh I saw several shops selling clothes so I think they probably bought their costumes there.
Anyways. I saw like this Huge group coming out from somewhere as I was driving out. With a single man. Who looked like the sort you'd put in jail, if you were a policeman, just because he looked like he had the Potential to do something criminal, if he had not done anything illegal already.
Come to think of it there always seemed to be some of that sort around most girls.

Anyways. Was quite disgusted, yet fascinated by what I saw.
No I'm not about to take the plunge anytime soon, I think. Can't picture myself going up to a prostitute, much less doing it with her.
Come to think of it I Don't want to picture myself doing that.
I'm broke enough already. And I'd much like to tell my future wife, "Hey I'm a virgin too you know."

But come to think of it, isn't it every guy's fantasy to have sex with as many women as possible? And not to have to take any responsibilities.
Maybe that's why we have so few married people now. Maybe even the women want sex, but not the ramifications that come with it.
With our increasingly promiscous society, who wants marriage?
Sex is enough.

Something amazing happened to me today.
This morning, as I was walking towards the bus-stop from camp, after yet another dreary duty, a taxi-driver honked at me. Asked me where I wanted to go.
I said I had no cash.
He said "Nevermind! I'll charge you the bus-fare equivalent of where you want to go!"
I said, "But I Really have no cash at all!"
He said, "alright, I'll take you there for free! Where do you want to go?"
I wanted to go to CCK mrt. well, home, actually, but it cost more than 10 bucks and it wasn't correct, asking him to send me there for free.
He asked me to hop in, saying he'd drive me there for free.
Turns out he was listening to some recording of some christian leader's inspiring talk.
He told me he discovered God today. Said something about We are All Brothers. Called me Brother. And said something about God gave us a magnificent environment. Listed an example of sungei tengah, how humans dirty the place God give us.
Money and all other worldly possessions are not important, he reasoned. We can't carry them with us. People burn hell money, but aren't those "hell money" minted and created by just other human beings? Only when you believe in God, can you go to heaven. And related stuff.

Oh later when we were near Sunshine Place, we saw several people who wanted to board a taxi. He asked if he could let me off there, and I was like sure! Free ride for nothing, who would complain yah.

Come to think of it, I'd ask my grandchildren to save on hell money when I die. Donate the equivalent to charity organisations, it'd be better spent.

ok havent written for quite a while so here's a brief update of my life:

• still alive.
• will not be so alive in the next 2 weeks. Going for AOE the next 2 weeks. basically a yearly test of an air force unit's combat readiness. to be exact, i'll be away from mon-wed starting from tomorrow, and mon-thurs week after dat.
• will be on duty on friday, and if i cant find help, on sunday as well. dat means i'll only be free on sat. anybody free then??
• desperately hope that i wun be recalled next weekend. oh "recalling" means, well, jus dat, recalling u back to camp on a sat or sun with a phone-call and/or one of those msgs u see on tv and hear on radio (well technically if the tv and radio means are used, its termed "mobilisation"). U'll hafta report back to camp in 2 hours, full combat gear and all, and they'll waste ur time by conducting useless checks on ur gear. like whether ur body powder container's filled to the BRIM. and yes the CAPS mean sth.
• oh i'm still single.
• and desperate.
• and broke, as usual.

oh i've watched the Incredibles. yeah!

well. dats the only interesting thing dat's happened to me so far. sad rite, my life. :(

Think of the flowers - see how they bloom.
Think of the perfect day - enjoy the sun's loving gaze on you.
Think of the wind - feel its soft touch as it caresses your skin.

Damn the stoopid rainy season.

Knew I'd lose you right from the start
Yet I let you go
Ill-fated, temporary state of mind
Playing tricks on our passionate souls.


Slept too much today. Don't know whether I was too tired, stressed, or both, fell asleep straight after dinner till now. Such... naps are really bad for you, in my opinion.

Made me think. Recollect. Old disjointed memories I did not want to recall.

You know, I may seem like such a happy (though yes, Serious with a capital S) person, and indeed I am, relatively, now, but not so long ago I was this... totally different person. On the surface I've never changed, but underneath it all, I've sorta undergone a major overhaul of my congenital structure.

Which basically means I've changed lah.

Don't know whether it is for the better. I guess in some ways, my thought processes have degenerated to that similar of 1800s samurais. The passion they had in their work; the code of honor they sought to uphold; even their disregard for women's rights.

Yes incidentally The Last Samurai is one of my favourite movies.

But anyways. Back to my memories. And the prose that came to my mind (at the top) jus now. Why did I let her go? Why did I even let myself get emotionally attached - and yes I would call it love - to her, when I knew I wouldn't be here in Singapore next year? Why do I even want to experience it again when I have less than a year left here in Singapore??

Bittersweet memories I'd rather not recall; incoherent thoughts I'd give all not to have. Sigh.

wow. new readers! heyhey dudes and babes!!! :D

well, i'll hafta warn u guys first, this blog Is a collection of my random thoughts so it may be qute boring/offensive/watever.

This blog Is based on a true life and by no means fictional.

But please do not reproduce it in any form without first seeking my permission, and/or quoting my name.

I am still a quiet, innocent guy to most people, and I intend to keep it that way.

:P

Are you 'selective' when it comes to revealing yourself to a stranger, or even friend?
Do you subconsciously withdraw information of yourself when conversing with another person?
Do you consciously do so?

i mean, of course to a stranger, you wouldn't reveal much of yourself, but to your close friends? Why is that you can't say some things to your friends?

Why is it that you can deem someone not worthy enough to be a close friend? Why keep people at arm's length?

Have jus realised I can seem like a really nice person to most, but not many people actually know much about me.

erm. can everyone who reads my post leave a comment or tag in the tagboard? i'd like to know exactly how many people know of this blog's existence.... thanks!

oh still on the same theme, i believe singaporean men are jus as guilty as women for the increasing singlehood(?) rate right now.

singaporean men are jus too shy. and have been pampered by their mums jus too much. i'll admit.

but hey. looking at another perspective, singapore Is a country of immigrants isnt she.
singaporean men look for women from other countries; ditto for singaporean women.
population increases.
more multi-racial, or multi-national marriages.
isn't that good?
i mean, we've always taken pride in our tolerance of other cultures, adding more ingredients to rojak's been an evolutionary process since the original one came out hasn't it?

hmm. maybe i'll find my love somewhere else.

There was this letter to the straits times a few days ago. a girl was commenting on singaporean girls' "independence" and subsequent, well, "indepedence" as they watch singaporean girls pursue girls of other nationalities. Seemed quite truthful, and no it wasn't a defence of singaporean girls as you would inevitably think.

interesting, u know. the qualities guys look for in girls. i totally agree with her, when she mentioned that singaporean girls are "assertive" and "independent-minded" or something like that, and won't kowtow to the 'girly' qualities a girl should have. and since guys look for 'girly' qualities in girls, the simple equation of demand and supply shows that inevitably, the number of single women would increase, and the level of foreign talent in singapore increases. yes i mean women and no i dun mean it in any derogatory manner. its jus something meant to be humourous.

and yes i know i have independent-minded women reading my blog so i may hafta clarify and/or use less provocative words in the future.

:P

anyways. i believe i'm a rarity in dat i Like an independent woman who can take care of herself, choose what she wants to eat and can suggest ideas on what to do on a date or outing.

problem is, i havent met even one jus yet.

where are all the singaporean women she mentioned???

ok more serious thoughts for this blog.

was watching my goldfish jus now.*

they were like... swimming around. as usual, of course, as it wasn't bedtime for them yet. **
argh getting addicted to terry pratchett.
anyways. we have one black gold-fish (technically its called one, i think) and many other gold-coloured goldfish. in one tank. And another tank with similar contents.
dun ask me why though, the black-coloured goldfish (i'll call it Black for short) didn't seem too unhappy. now im no reader of emotions (of goldfish) but i'll say swimming around and with the other fish looks like what a happy fish would do. well, a normal thing to do, at least.

ok main point. why did Black feel so comfortable amongst the other fish? was he aware that he was different from the rest? and why did the other fish accept him/her (apparently) in their midst?

well i happen to have another tank containing a luohan fish. all the rage in the past year. brings luck and all that. and luohans are known for their... ferocity. and territorial instincts. bought two other... sucker fish? which jus suck on to the sides of the tank? yah. one day i awoke to find the dismembered bodies of one of them floating in the water. a few days later the same thing happened to the other.

the luohan seems to be quite happy on its own in the tank right now.

now u may think goldfish are much smaller than luohan, and their teeth are... wait they have no teeth. and thus are by nature more friendly.

but u know its not true. not all big animals cant live together. elephants dont kill llamas for fun (my luohan had an abundant supply of food every day) or jus because their territory is intruded upon. and it Does look like they Can swing, or kick, llamas around for fun rite?

funny thing is, my luohan killed the sucked fish at night, when no-one was around. it was almost like murder, u know? stab someone in the dark.

but anyways. u think if i had had an electric shocking device to administer little jolts every time it tried to touch the sucker fish, the luo han would have eventually left them alone?

ok gotta get to work on my application essay.

enough random thoughts for the day.

have a great one. :)



---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*actually they're not really mine. my grandma's. and technically wasn't really watching them. was more like taking occasional glances at 'em. singapore idol was.... painful. :P
**actually i dun think they Ever have a specific bed-time as we leave the lights on top of the tanks, well, on, all the time. not my idea dun ask me why??

another new reader of my blog! hi tina!!!!!! :-D

haha dun worry not hitting on ya. i may be desperate but my mind's still working. long-distance relationships never work out.

and i dont know how to pursue a girl too anyways. (Another point: Army reduces your girl-chasing abilites to wolf-whistles and trying to look suave.) and i havent even mastered the art of wolf-whistling. or looking suave.

oh u know zhijing's reaction when i gave her the present i bought her from the US? she couldnt stop laughing. apparently i look too similiar to the flying fox soft toy.

oh wow.

how am i going to chase any girls with this kind of 'cute' face? u tell me. i mean, girls look for tall, handsome guys who look mysterious and all dat right?

i'm short, "cute" and.... i'll jus say i dun look mysterious, all right?

oh man. looks like my self-confidence's at an all-time low...

and oh. i'm shy. too shy for my own good. but yeah. sigh. :(

i'm writing again! at last!

oh well. update of my life.

Finally have 'distributed' all the gifts i've wanted to give away. oh wait. there's one more. oh well nevermind. Almost.

breakfast yesterday was... interesting. very interesting. yeah i'll be secretive about it and let u wonder wat its all about muhahaha *evil laugh*

but anyways. reminded myself dat i'm leaving next year. wherever i'm going, its away from here. not dat singapore isnt the place for me. its jus... i dunno. i really wanna know wat its like outside this tiny little speck on the map. maybe i wun come back? or maybe i will.

NS is jus NOT good for ur mental health i tell ya.

see, unrelated rite? no linkages from one paragraph to the next.

oh well.

oh. to continue. lets jus give a few points to illustrate y NS is SO detrimental to ur health yah?

1. Your brain rots. 'cause of inactivity. or lots of meaningless activity. and repetition. of stuff dat u normally jus wont bother to do.
2. It destroys ur hormonal balance. Its far worse than an all-male secondary school, because it ELEVATES ur levels of male hormones. 'cause of exercise and all that. so yah. u get desperate for girls, u despair for sex, and u eventually get desecrated when u unconsciously spill ur guts. (in front of a girl). no i havent experienced the last but i get this feeling i'll experience it real soon.
3. It damages ur body. now i'm speaking as a medic when i see countless cases of people getting injured in training. and for regulars, the long-term effects of training.
4. When u Do stop NS, u'll be faced with this... emptiness. 'cause it jus takes up all ur time (when ur in it) and although its full of meaningless, mindless activity, it still takes up ur time. thus when u Do get free u'll be stuck in some sort of dilemma. like so many ex-regulars who develop beer bellies (i'm serious) and ex-NSFs who jus while away their time, like a person i know. depression sets in.

ok so basically half of wat i've written is jus crap. believe wat u will. but this new keyboard is jus too nice to the touch. and this new com...

i'm getting addicted to The Sims 2.

ciao.

decided to take a break from describing my trip.

anyways.

felt the need to get a girlfriend again. tired of elaborating. but yeah.

damn sad.

sigh.

oh i met a pri school friend of mine today. she's going to japan for some study exchange program for a year. and i prob wont be here by the time she gets back.

double sigh.

u know i've been wondering lately? how life overseas would be like. i mean, i spent 2 weeks alone out there and it was fun, but for 4 years? i dun know.

Alright I've finally found the xin qin to write again.

Gonna write about my trip.

Well, as you know, I went to the US to 'look at' some universities, as well as to the interview conducted at Duke.

I tell ya, Duke is a nice place. Somehow, dun ask me why, once I stepped inside, this. familiar feeling sorta overcame me. i jus felt, Chinese High!
I'm serious. It's like... I dunno, Duke feels just like Chinese High. ok its a Lot bigger and is co-ed, but Still. Same feeling. Dunno y.

Anyways. About the trip proper. Shall give a brief day-by-day description of my trip.

16th Aug : Reached Durham at around 930pm. damn tired. slept.

17th Aug : Decided to try out the public transportation system. woke up at 8, had a free breakfast (which sucked, only redeeming thing was the coffee) and walked to the bus-stop outside. it didnt have any label so i assumed it wasn't functional. met two indians (couple? or couple-to-be?), one of them gave me directions to a bus-stop near his work-place. Long walk. told me not having a car sucked. big time. after walking 20 mins to the bus-stop, and waiting 20 more for the only bus that served the route, I decided it Really did.
Bus ride took almost an hour. Reached Durham downtown terminal when I had wanted to go to Chapel Hill. oh the two of them are different 'cities', by the way. distance between them is like woodlands and jurong, if i'm living downtown. magnified a few times, of course.
anyways. since i landed up in the right place at the wrong time (had planned to visit Durham only later) I decided to go aexploring. Got the bus driver to take me to the Visitors Centre. Very helpful stuff gave me lots of directions and maps. But. I still got lost for quite a bit before getting back to the terminal. they have jus too many intersections and street names i tell ya. too many.
had lunch at this little shop. first taste of a big american buger. i tell u, the patty was like a half-pounder at macs if ever they decide to have one. (oh i have a double quarter-pounder at macs there. didnt try though) And their fries. Damn big too.
after that huge meal, decided to head back to the hotel. to Really sort out how to get to Chapel Hill, where I had scheduled a campus tour the next day. took the same bus back, and found that it stopped at this Huge shopping mall. huge in the fact that it covered quite a large area. perhaps that of taka, wisma, orchard station, far east, tangs, borders and lido together. with the road in between. but didnt seem so big on the inside, as there were only Two stories. waste of space, if u ask me. but then again there's So much space to waste.
nothing much came out of my detailed scouring of the maps leading to Chapel Hill. decided to take a taxi there.

18th Aug : Taxi reached Chapel Hill in half an hour. was two hours early for the tour so registered, took a map and went looking around on my own. had breakfast at this pancake shop, and picked up yet more maps at a visitors centre. tour of chapel hill was quite alright, in fact, it looked quite alright. several old buildings, and very approacheable people. lecture rooms were Very impressive (3 overhead projectors!) and the campus was wireless. woohoo.
After the tour, had this information session. was directed to the bio building finally, but couldnt meet the professor as he seemed Damn busy. got his email. and Finally knew how to get back to the hotel from Chapel Hill. had to walk quite a long distance though. like from serene centre to chinese high. and oh met the indian couple(-to-be) again. they directed me back to the hotel, interestingly.

19th Aug: Visited Duke. went for the campus tour. and managed to see the professor after getting lost and entering a graduate students' lab building. not to mention cutting across the Duke hospital. anyways. he seemed genuinely impressed and a tad amused (yes, amused, i wonder why) to see me and gave me his old textbook. jus changed to a new version so he didnt have any use for it, he said. and oh there was this taiwanese graduate student who was listening to our conversation instead of being at the matriculation ceremony.
oh i finally found the bus that served the bus-stop jus outside my hotel. apparently bus-stop = Some bus stops there.

20th Aug : Interview. didn't seem like an interview at all. i mean, it was more like an informal interview. she asked me some questions, i answered, she seemed quite impressed, I asked some questions, she answered, end of interview. can't really remember the contents of the interview, to be honest.
and one thing, i'm beginning to think its standard to appear impressed there. u dun really know wat they Really feel underneath. its like... they're quite fake. to put it simply. and they look jus like me when im pretending to be interested in some obscure topic when all im doing is concentrating on looking interested.
scary.

tired now, will continue later.

going off to the US now. realise i haven't blogged lately.
guess i'll have lots to write about when i come back. heh.

u know, come to think of it, i Am getting a bit... apprehensive. about going there alone. i mean, i havent really cared about it beforehand, but now... last minute jitters?
lets jus hope everything turns out alright yah? *nervous smile*

sigh lately i've been thinking of so many things, but jus cant get them down on paper. ok on the keyboard. or web. watever.
 
maybe i've been too tired.
 
oh i'm still desperate for a girlfriend. hormones still doing their thang.
 
and oh had a really Slack day today. had breakfast in the canteen (was entitled to 'cause i did duty yesterday and i'm no longer a 'new' medic :P) then did 1 1/2 hours of work before going out to various places to dispatch some stuff. played soccer after that. (jus nice lah, i arrived jus on time.)
then had seoul garden wit mark.
ate Lots of beef. and quite an amount of chicken.
and a minimal amount of veggies i insisted on putting in to provide fibre which we all need in our diet.
 
anyways. didnt get to watch supersize me. or brotherhood. or king arthur. sigh.
 
oh! oh yah. heard many people say king arthur isnt worth watching. i beg to differ. i mean, its jus like watching an extended warcraft III cut-scene right? damn nice. its enough for me.
 
if im not making any sense its cause im too tired to think straight. yeah. 

they're cutting down the coconut trees lining the house now. apparently one of them fell and crushed a car.
yeah im serious.

dun quite believe it too.

but... its so sad. sigh. i miss them already... :(

oh. i jus got to know dat i'll prob hafta stay-in from next week onwards. apparently this new CO wants Everybody to stay-in.
which means a total loss of freedom for me.
CRAP.
TOTAL CRAP.

sigh i cant help remembering last night when i was suddenly attacked by a bout of euphoria.
remember thinking, Why the Heck am i feeling so happy???
and then, This is bad. Everytime i feel so high, Something wrong's bound to happen soon.

how right i was.

sigh.
lost my wallet today.
dun ask me how, i dun know!!! (for the umpteenth time, i placed it in my pocket last night when i slept, didnt check it was there in the morning and only discovered it was gone after covering ippt, when i felt hungry and wanted to eat.)
sigh.
$80 gone. dats 20 in the wallet, 50 for my replacement 11B and 10 for my replacement debit card.
wouldnt have minded paying for a new debit card, its kind of... tattered? but 50 bucks!!! for a damn 11B!!!!
although yah lah it needs replacing, my details are coming out. but still!!!!
argh.
still cant get over it.
i mean, i assume somebody's taken it, since i've searched EVERYWHERE, and its like... if u want my money jus take it, jus return me my wallet with my 11B can???
kau.
make me pay Dat much for my cards. And make me go through the hassle of cancelling the card for a week.
now i cant withdraw money for a week.
and payday's tomorrow.
imagine the agony man.
crap.
total crap.

may be going to the US in august as I originally planned, after all. jus emailed Duke, they're having interviews on campus in july and august. think i'll go for one.
but if i DO go in august i might miss pamela's birthday celebration! oh no. :(

As you know, my grandpa passed away last sunday at around 3am in the morning. i was amongst those who were by his side.
After a great number of minutes spent grieving, my relatives decided to hold a 5-day wake at our home before cremating him on thursday morning. and decided to call singapore casket to 'bao' the whole funeral.
they were damn efficient, u know, set up the tents and all dat within hours. the appropriate rituals were done by professional monks too. (heard dat one of them drove a BMW.) wasnt too bad, in general. couple of grandpa's friends came, not to mention the whole extended family... several friends of my relatives came... sze, tuan and ayline came over too.
didnt feel particularly sad during the whole funeral though. it was as if... at the back of my mind, there was this thought, he's dead, his soul's actually gone, what we're doing is jus... for formality's sake...
i dunno. it was like in stark contrast to the extreme sadness i felt last year when my other grandpa as well as my granduncle passed away, and i had to attend their funeral, and cremation, respectively. then, i couldnt help thinking back on the moments we'd spent together, and have tears well up in my eyes... even now, these feelings have not gone...
but this year, i felt no such grief. alright, not so much as compared to last year. there was more like this... sense of relief. as well as this... insulation? this... layer that i feel is protecting me from the grief i might otherwise not bear?
relief as in i saw my grandpa suffering for so long... he.. couldnt even eat! or control his urinary/bowel movements. he looked so.... sad after the fall. and he was bedridden. wat worse thing can happen to u when u cant enjoy the simple pleasures of life like he did when he would exercise each morning by walking up and down the slope, the concrete path? then follow dat up with his daily breakfast of a banana, mueslibix? is dat the name? an egg... some bran... and milk... then he would settle down in his chair to read the newspapers... dissect the chinese newspapers such dat each sheet was separated from the rest (put me off chinese newspapers, dat did)... then at lunchtime he would want us to switch on the tv so he could listen to the 1pm news... then he'd take a nap... then go downstairs to sit in his chair and perhaps watch tv/korean/jap serials with my grandma? never knew wat he did then... was always upstairs... then have a shower and watch the 630 'shi chen jin ri' before taking dinner and napping? before watching the 10 o'clock news (sometimes)... and sleeping...
come to think of it i Knew his mundane routine and the thought that he couldnt do all that... i felt really sad for him. and then he had to get used to having a female nurse (and an unattractive one at dat) care for his daily needs...
in a way, u know, im glad he's finally passed on and not have to suffer all dat?

and this insulation. i think i understand the power of prayer, in a way, now. i remember distinctively repeating the first line of dat poster in the sickbay... yes 'Grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change'. it was dat simple sentence which really helped prevent me from breaking down dat night. alright it wasnt a prayer. but sometimes... i guess u jus need a sentence.. a thought... Anything. to hold on to to survive. perhaps prayers work in dat way. and perhaps the thought dat there is a God who cares for us is powerful enough to help us continue our lives, even with the passing on of our loved ones.

My grandpa's dead. passed away this morning at around 3am.
Was there, taking his pulse, until the very end.
Odd, you know, when you realise there are some things you jus cant change and self-defensive mechanisms jus set in. im feeling damn numb now.
or perhaps the reason y im not breaking down is the poster i remembered.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change.

there's this poster in the sickbay which i find very inspiring, especially for this path i'm probably gonna take in my life.

God, Grant me
The Serenity to accept the things i cannot change,
The Courage to change the things i can,
and the Wisdom to know the difference.

im not really one who's into God and all, wait correction i believe in God, not religion... but yeah. Let me change what i can.
why is it only christians who mass-produce such inspiring posters? :P

its been so... surreal, today. the morning passed by uneventfully.... but after lunch everything went wrong. first only 3 of us were left in admin. which left us pretty much short-staffed.
Then. one of the guys went off for some cover. which left the 2 of us. a "senior" and me, an inexperienced ojt. and 2 TSS-es which knew nothing about medical stuff.
there were a total of 53 patients in the afternoon. i was like busy like MAD taking down the parameters and all until about 330. only got a breather after that.
walked into the main office after dat. which proved to be DAMN wrong a step.
i saw some sheets of registration slips untouched at the 'tray' whilst the other guy was busy with this difficult major. handed them to the TSS at the com to key them in. then went out again as more patients were coming in.
after everyone was gone we were called into the MO's room.
got reprimanded. and signed 2 extras.
oh well.

u know sometimes although u've done nothing much u feel jus... exhausted? weary, the word is.
been feeling like that for the past few days. cant even summon enough energy to blog. not to say run as i had planned to.
am going for deployment tomorrow. wait make that tonight. gonna stay-in 'cause i'll hafta leave camp by 0545 tomorrow morning.
sigh.

i've a new pair of slippers now.
and.... A NEW PHONE!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!! YAHOO!!!!!!!!!
turned out my accidental dropping of my phone yesterday was a blessing in disguise... my mum bought me a new one!!!!!! a nokia 3120. to be specific. YAHOO!!!!!!!!! :D

but sigh. next week's SAT. and i have duty on sunday. so basically its another weekend burnt.
:(

going on another exercise tomorrow. ends on friday. then after dat i'll be doing ops duty so i wont be back till sunday.
when i take my second-last driving lesson (i hope) and hafta fetch my mum back from the airport.

saw two medics fighting today. ok, it was more like one guy threatening to hit the other, but in the end nothing much happened, i guess. was damn stunned. i mean, i never expected them to be so violent.
reminds me of sec 1, when i was like... bullied? by this guy once. was in tears man. i think That was the incident that prompted me to get fit. or at least look fit. (like i do now haha) guess its about... preventive action. its like u have that "come de zui me, i dare u to, im not f***ing afraid of u" look, people dont dare to bully u? appear nice, but 'show your power' sometimes. subtly.
haha dat sounds like its coming from some beng rite? perhaps if i wasnt born into this nice family of mine i'll be out slugging in the streets. and enjoying it. perhaps dat is y i like having friends who've been there and done that too. like this guy who's been to jail before. and have learnt from it.

but i guess to most people i jus appear as this nice guy who wouldnt kill a fly huh? heh. upbringing lah. i mean, after all, i Am a nice guy who normally wouldnt kill a fly. if it doesnt bother me excessively. (wouldnt want to dirty my hands too.)

haha ok enough of rambling thoughts. u know, sometimes i jus feel like im too mature for my age. so many things have happened... that shouldnt have happened to an innocent 20-year-old guy. sometimes i wish i could really be as innocent as i look. as cheerful as i look. as couldnt-care-less-about-the-world as i look.

ah, well.

im back today!! yay!!! haha confinement wasnt half as bad as i imagined, and sgt richard, my senior medic 2ic, was damn nice about it too. let me off at 5 today.
and oh! i've passed my final theory test!!! jus two more lessons to go before i can book for the test!!! yahoO!!!!!
but eh 1 unfortunate thing happened though. i failed my ippt. 2.4 in fact. so yeah have started to train for it. i'll go for silver man!!!!

so i've just got back from a day's duty at the medical centre.
horrible day it was.

3 resuscitation cases (ie casualties needed immediate help and had to be subjected to various tortures like having an anal probe inserted up their a**es) of which yeah i did the inserting. oh it takes the temperature there, which is more accurate than ur oral temperature, in case u didnt know. and yes, i Did see the various sizes of male sexual organs as i, together with another medic, did the stripping of the casualties. haha cant resist saying this, but im proud of myself. heh. haha.
Anyways. the point was, 2 resus cases came in the night. 10 and 12+, in fact.
which was not all. assorted cases brought in meant that i had to take two-hourly parameters of the patients. ie i had to wake up (and wake the patients up) every two hours jus to take their temperature, BP, pulse and respiration rates. dat started from 12+ all the way till 7am. and since there were SEVEN patients (the sickbay was COMPLETELY filled) by the time i finished taking all their parameters i got to sleep for an hour before the next parameter taking.
which means i slept for a total of 4 hours last night. fitful sleep. not the kind u'd wanna get, actually.
and i got no official rest today other than an hour early off work (for which i really thanks the MO, but actually made not much difference as it was spent on travelling). so basically i sleptwalked through the whole day, dispensing medicine to patients who came to report sick. (but at least i know i didnt dispense any drugs wrongly, 5 weeks spent there aint for nothing)
And after all dat work, i took my final theory test! cant say whether im gonna pass (everytime i say im gonna score i dun) but yeah! was still alert enough to take it. with the help of coke that is. caffeine and glucose= lethal combination.
and im not really dat tired now too!
but still. it was a truly horrible day.
and to think of it. i have duty again this friday. And next tuesday. And next friday. ok friday im not so worried 'cause most people would jus wanna go home and not stay in the sickbay *fingers crossed* but next tues... gosh im dreading it already...

have decided to write something totally irrelevant.

i think the hair on our heads are there for a purpose. the longer the hair, the better the rate of heat dissipation and thus the better the functioning of the brain. why else would there be such extraordinary long hair on our heads, as compared to the rest of the body? i mean, we are the results of thousands of years of evolution and im sure if it didnt serve a purpose it'd had to be gone like a few hundred years right? or at least reduced to more proportionate... oh well proportions. by dat i mean yeah those pitifully thin threads we have on the rest of us.
so yeah, i think their purpose Is to make better economic use of our brainpower. 'cause yah. we need cool minds to think. esp when we're stressed. (and dat's y we sweat more when we're afraid).
and So, i've also come to the conclusion that it IS a ploy by the SAF to shave (almost) all hair off recruits. yeah to disallow the privilege of thinking to them. another evidence in point : after bmt, only sideburns and hair nearest the neck (and ears) have to be shaved off. for the sake of neatness? i don't think so. its more likely 'cause they're situated near our brain stem, where everything's already been pre-programmed into our bodies (ie automatic stuff like the need to eat and sleep) and basically we don't need to utilise it that often. so we can Still think.
unlike recruits.
and oh i think the reason y women with long hair are more attractive is their... extensive knowledge regarding the art of making up. they have the extra advantage of their hair to better think, and thus attract men. and oh jus for the fun of it i think blonde hair's more effective than black-coloured hair in dissipating heat. somehow.
i like smart women.

haha

got back from camp at 2+am in the morning this morning. had to go back to clean stores at 10am. till 5 today. lost my beloved timex watch. and oh im going to sign 3 extras. for some idiotic reason i do NOT want to type rite now.
damnit this hasnt been a great week for me.

oh im going on deployment on monday. this exercise dats gonna last for 5 days, meaning i'll be out somewhere in the jungles(?) of singapore, wont be able to bathe and all dat.
lets see how its gonna be like.

anyways. dun know y i've been feeling quite down recently. well not really down, more... tensed up, i guess. more prone to sudden outbursts of anger.
perhaps its me thinking hey, you're not doing wat u want with ur life rite now. ur unit isnt letting u do dat. wat u've planned to accomplish hasnt been done.
in pamela's words, 'wat has army done to my kor'? (but oh i've finished my course long ago :P)
wat has army done to me???

u know, sometimes i jus dun understand myself.
jus got out from camp today. had duty yesterday. had driving the whole afternoon. passed my FTT evaluation so will take the test on the 12th of may. and am jus 4 revision lessons away from the practical test.
anyways. had a string orch 'party' in the evening. all of the present string orch people went, together with 2 juniors of mine who had already graduated and 2 guys from my batch, mitch and me.
didnt really enjoy the whole 'party' thingy.
was quite bored lah. i jus felt so... detached from them, u know? couldnt even attempt to like make myself enjoy jus talking and chillin with them.
then i decided to go watch hellboy. by myself. yep. wasnt dat good a show, in my opinion.
and incurred the wrath of my mum. i like rejected 5? 6? of all calls while watching the movie. think she's gonna scream at me tomorrow morning.
and i dun care. u know? there are like so many WILD people my age who are like clubbing? drinking? going home at 6am in the morning?
and i have a mum who calls me at 1030pm. INCESSANTLY. damnit i know she cares but dun u think she's like jus paranoid? i mean come on, the more u restrict, the more im gonna rebel.
i am jus DAT close to breaking watever f***ing (implicit, unspoken) rules there are in my family.
yeah. shocking, huh? told u i dun even understand myself. dun know how and y i typed all those stuff out. but im not gonna retract them, 'cause watever i've written, it had to come from somewhere. in my heart/brain.

realised i havent blogged for quite a while.
so here's an update of my life:
1. i've been posted to this ADA unit. but am attached to tengah medical centre. which basically means if my unit has any deployment/exercise, i'll go cover them, and i'll do duties there too, but most of the time i'll be spending my time at tengah. And doing duties there too. so overall, i'll have about 8 overnight duties a month.
2. i'm gonna stay-in for the next 2 weeks, cause these past two weeks i've been going out almost every night for rehearsals. yep y stay in? cause they want us to be familiar with the various situations / stuff we hafta do in case of emergencies. for example, when a plane encounters some serious problem. Which has happened already in this past week.
3. the concert on thurs was fine. ok lah i didnt play up to my own expectations but hey, it was a good concert in all. had some good friends go support me, not to mention my family. had a great dinner after dat with me family and got a sunflower from ayline. apparently they had wanted to give it to me at the end of the concert but had no chance to. oh man :(
4. still on the concert. i've jus found out dat mark's cousin is in choir. oh 'cause they performed a piece at the end together with us. and she said 'hi' to me on the final full dress rehearsal. gosh i didnt notice her (forgot her face lah) until she approached me. oh mAn!!!
5. no lah im not interested in her. wait i am. im interested in jus about any girl i meet now. including all the girls in string orch. yes although they're like 1 or 2 years younger than me.
not dat i would do anything about it. :P
and oh yah. mrs chung was like asking me, so why havent you got a girlfriend???
Hmm. maybe i Should get a girlfriend jus for the sake of having one huh? but. i cant be bothered to go after any girl lah. wait, make dat i dun Know how to go after any girl. and lack the self-confidence to.
yep, seriously.
oh and of course dere's always the excuse i give, im going abroad in 1 year (and 4 months) time so there's no point in getting a girlfriend is there? heh

oh and my life isnt jus all about girls now. i jus bought battlefield vietnam. good game. spent about 8 hours on it already.

and life in the medical centre... its ok lah. they're all nice people so yah, life's ok lah. ha dats from me Before staying in. ask me again after i've stayed in camp for a week.

and oh. i have ops duty tomorrow. and on next sat. so two weekends almost gone. damnit. there goes my chance to pass my final theory asap. oh wat do i do for ops duty? sit in a caustrophobic room and yah. stay in there all day. y? 'cause in case anything happens, i'll be the first to respond. hope nothing happens anytime soon.

there was this seminar these two days. some service quality training thing. found out something about my personality.

i HATE not knowing my future.

jus got to know today dat tengah's a 24-hour med centre. i hafta stay-in.

dats ok u know. if dat guy didnt call last night and say he'd try asking OC to see if they can pull me back in. he was like so... uncomittal. i mean, damnit, if u want me to go back then say u want me lah! if u think i'm worth the trouble then DO something lah!!! f*** if u think im not worth the trouble then jus tell me straight in the face, i cant help u!!!! u jus dun give me false hope u know?

i feel like i've been f***ing betrayed. BETRAYED. yes, dat is the word. u jus DO NOT make empty promises to ME.

u know i've jus got EVERYTHING planned? take my driving test, go for rehearsals, perform, go to the US, resit for my SATs if i want to, take bass lessons, apply for uni... and oh yah go do community service...

argh.

so the week has passed.
turned out to be damn slack sia. ok compared to wat i've been through lah.

to my friends :

if u dun find me very chatty this week, i'm sorry.
yah im not feeling that good.
u know i've realised something? u cant feel good in the army if u want to really perform well. i wasnt happy in bmt.
this week, according to my sarge, is gonna be the most xiong week of the course.
i say bring it on.

next week u'll find me a more cheerful person. Then, u'll find me back to myself again.

NEVER go to bishan swimming pool on sundays.
1. its damn crowded. with children learning how to swim.
2. the children swim damn fast.
3. its DAMN DIRTY!!!!!!!!!!!! i could see like mucus floating about in the pool lor!!!! Lots of mucus. and some stray hair too. wah kau!!!!

was like planning to swim there today and i gave up after one lap. too disgusted.

and oh yeah. i was so engrossed in my feeling disgusted dat i walked 300m, across this main road, without caring for anything else... when i noticed dat my fly was open.
and i realised i had jus ran across the road. quite jammed-up road, i must add.
*cringes in embarrassment*
aaaaaah!!!!!!!!!!!
:(

did some real thorough area-cleaning today. wiped the tops of the cupboards, cabinets, behind/below the wooden cabinets, wiped (yes wiped, not mopped) the floor, swept the floor (yes wiped first, then swept, mistake lah), cleaned the electrical sockets/fittings, cleaned the lights... fans...
damn garang huh?
im real proud to say dat i was the one who inspired the whole bunk to participate in the spring-cleaning. while the other bunks were jus slacking.
heh.
*i feel good, dadadada...*

finally watched lost in translation last night. inspired some thoughts on the bus home.
one was the lack of sex between the two main characters. in a typical hollywood movie the two of them would have like had passioniate sex jus before the guy departs right. but there's no sex! (awww - i can jus imagine my army pals going)
but i think its more true. u develop feelings for someone... like him/her... doesnt mean dat u Have to have sex with him/her rite.
but its not jus the sex i thought about lah. it sorta led me to how feelings can easily develop between us hopelessly romantic human beings.
but its how far we allow these feelings between us to go dat really matters, isnt it? im sure we have all liked a certain friend at a certain point in time, but not done anything about it.
y?
perhaps we're jus not ready to decide who we want to spend the rest of our lives with jus yet.
perhaps our widened social circle has exposed us to too many people we think are desirable. so we cant make up our minds.
haha perhaps dat explains the increasing number of chronic singles who date and date and date, and Still remain single. and of course the lack of babies in singapore. :(

had a great day yesterday.
really great day.
did a lot of stuff i'd never tried before. and found dat tanglin mall has quite a number of interesting shops.
and i cant finish 2 pints of beer in 90 mins.
or beat pamela at pool.
:P

but seriously. i'd miss a friend, a girl, who i can like jus meet and have fun with and not hafta worry about anything else. besides having to watch my tongue and not say statements dat might imply anything i dun mean haha.

yeah, keep in regular contact yah? by phone or email or MSN.

i'll never forget my two sisters.

and wun mind another one, to be honest. heh

oh yeah. been wanting to write this for some time now. put it down in my notebook but didnt get a chance to publish it on my blog until now. back when i was doing fire piquet, in fact.

this post is dedicated to my dad. i love him.

Dad drove me to camp today. woke me up too at 550 in the morning.
we didnt talk much during the trip to camp, as usual. i remember all he said was, "So, will you be able to come back this evening?"
I said "no."
We've never said much to each other, you know. he's like fetched me to and back from school... bmt... safti... now nee soon... aside from a few monologues about performing well, giving my best and consoling me when i got out of course from ocs and was real depressed... not a lot, actually.
but i think i have the best dad in the world.
haha sounds like some 5-year-old's proclamation rite?
but how often do you think about it, think about all the things your parents have done for you and appreciate them? thank them for what they've done for us?
perhaps i'll never say this to him (too shy lah), or my mum, too, for that matter.
but i love them. i really do.

'tis been a Reeeeal weird day today.
this morning my sergeant talked to us about relationships. some relationships he had and why he's single now. haha. yeah oops we were supposed to be training heh. dun tell! ^_^
but yeah. dun really wanna repeat wat he said. but i feel most of wat he mentioned is damn true. about trust and stuff.
Then somehow the topic turned to transvestites at orchard towers and changi village.
damn out of point rite???

but dat was ok lah. watched a video on POCM. some casualty management thingy. damn old. 1985. but anyways. someone suggested we watched band of brothers, the episode on the medic. episode 6. and we watched it for about 20 mins jus before we sent arms. heh and hey jem ah dun tell anyone about this k.
but anyways. then jus before booking out, this mrf sergeant screamed at my bunkmates for no reason. ok lah. he thought someone from our bunk shouted 'knees off the ground!' when he was punishing them. prob from platoon 4. but anyways. i resent the fact that when we said we were innocent, he was like, 'i don't care! get the person who shouted that down NOW!'.
f***ing bastard who prob cant even pass his ippt and/or get into sispec thinks he's so great and cant/wont admit his mistake. he's jus a pathetic sergeant lor. Local sergeant, may i humbly add. which makes him jus the same rank as me if he were to go into some other unit.
damnit, i wonder if he even Deserves the rank of a Cpl, he prob doesnt even f***ing know section movements and stuff.
yeah i f***ing HATE such people who 1. don't know their f***ing place in the army and 2. can't admit their mistakes. still makes my blood boil, jus thinking about it.

BUt then. i booked out. went to thomson plaza to buy a birthday present for my sis. and saw this damn chio girl. yeah i think she's Damn pretty i tell ya. not the conventional blonde-beyond-shoulder-length-hair-heavily-made-up-skinny-like-some-starved-ethiopian-and-acts-like-some-slut kinda pretty.
pretty pretty.

aww damn.

a few years ago i woulda said im in love. not too long ago i'd have said im now madly infatuated with her.
but the thing is today im like jus... admiring her beauty. yeah. not thinking about anything else. like wanting to be her boyfriend or sth.

now. i can only think of these few reasons y i dun feel anything.
1. i no longer believe in love at first sight.
2. i don't want to get attached for like jus a short while and break a girl's heart.
3. i know its my hormones that are like egging me on.
4. i have no confidence to go after any girl now.
5. i cant be Bothered to go after any girl now.

and Yet. im desperate for a girlfriend now.

interesting huh.

'Guard yourself against impulses which will induce you to talk too much about your ideas or your problems. Serious circulatory disorders will regress in a spectacular manner. Refrain from all passionate feeling for a person whom you don't yet know well.'

hmm.

saw some stuff last night and this morning. ok people, rather.
while walking home saw this family in the park. old grandma in a wheelchair. maid looking bored. middle-aged couple jus relaxing with her. acs grandson walking home and greeted enthusiastically by his cute dog.
on the mrt there was this forlorn-looking lady holding a bouquet of flowers on the mrt. going back home, i should think.
at the jazz bar, i saw this girl furtively writing... notes? diary entries? a v-day card? on these pieces of tissue paper.
and oh yah. the bassist of the band was playing a 5-string bass. some guy from creative. nice guitar, man. damn nice.
oh yeah this morning i saw two couples. and a father with his daughter. these two couples. one was like my age. both guy and girl. the other was this rather old couple. old grandfather-like figure with a crutch and his wife supporting him.

made me think about stuff. relationships. no not just guy-girl relationships. musician-audience relationships. grandparent-grandchild relationships. parent-child relationships. u know, the like.
its interesting, u know, what you can see around you when you really observe. take time to 'smell the roses', they say.

and oh yeah. a note to myself. i Need to remember why i want to do well in this course. yep so i got 45 out of 50 for this first test.
i'll need to do as well, if not better, in the next test.
'cause i love wat i'm doing now.
i want to become a combat spec.
i want to prove to myself that my fire will not fizz out as it has done in the past. yeah. its always been a spectacular result for the first test - then everything goes downhill from there.
that will Not happen this time.

but oh yeah. i think i've Really become more desperate. for a mate that is. no. not physical mate :P a soulmate. yeah know it wouldnt last and stuff but i dunno lah. this afternoon after taking the test we were like damn free... some guys were reading FHM. the steph song issue. (oh yeah did i mention i dun really find her hot? i dunno Y so many guys are like so crazy about her. she's like jus... normal? i mean ok lah. jus a bit more chio. so wat. ???)
but anyways. yeah. i wasnt in the Least interested at all lor. steph song... paris hilton... some actresses or models trying to look hot... i dunno lah. maybe i've been affected by the book i've jus read. tony parsons's man and wife. haha yeah i know its a crap book but somehow i feel like i can relate to the guy. there's this part where he says something about searching for a feeling that i've experienced before. jus... yeah. trying to get that feeling again. and again. and again.
jus hafta ignore this yearning. its jus Not gonna do anything for me man.
i'm lucky i havent experienced that feeling again jus yet.
ironic isnt it. i know its not gonna do any good to me, yet i still want it.
sigh. i think its jus my hormones talking lah.

i've got my bass guitar!!!
i've got my bass guitar!!!
haha i've finally got it! the 500 bucks, comes with an amp and tuner, (oxygenated) blood red colour one. cant have the chance to try it though. amp has some weird 3-pin thingy. hafta go buy some adaptor or multi-plug. sigh.
but i've got meself a bass!!!!!
heh

haha had a fun walk today. jungle trail, sentosa. u should try it lah, especially at night. with a girl.
was dared by a girl to walk in it today. yeah. that's right. She dared Me. haha.
kinda reminded me of tekong lah. section field camp, i think. walking in the dark... cant see where you're going... good wide track for u to walk on, though. wont get your shoes dirty.
but im sidetracking. thing is, its fun walking such dark places with a girl. can scare her. haha.
anyways.
oh yah let's welcome a new reader of my blog!!!! *cheers* yay!!!!! ^_^
another person who's gonna know my *other* side. my not-so-often revealed side.
And. i got a new teacher. to teach me how to... be a dependable guy. haha. only thing is i dun have anyone to show how dependable i am lor. not interested in any girls i know now lah :P
and another thing. im doing fire piquet tomorrow!!!!!!! aaaaaaah!!!!!!!!!!!! under sgt bakar!!!!! aaaaaaaah!!!!!!!!! ok lah i know he's not dat bad a guy lah. but still. aaaaaah!!!!!!!
i hate duties man. so unfair. jus because im the first bed And am in the first section i hafta kana like such stuff. so suay rite??? kau.

jus hafta put this down. saw Lots of flowers today. think its kinda fun, choosing... picking... arranging flowers. i mean, ok lah it Seems fun. heh maybe one day i'll show off my flower-arranging skills to a gal and impress her with my excellent taste. haha

oh yah. had lunch with some bunkmates today. prata at the prata place. damn good prata there i tell u. its Very crispy! almost melts in ur mouth. and oh yah did i mention i went there back when i still was a TSS at ATW? had thosai then. another must try. Damn nice. the sauces.
but dats not the important thing. jus realised something u know. its like... i've not made any real close friends in the army so far. its like... i've made many friends, yes, but none that i can really be myself, i guess. no its like im putting on a fake front or sth. its jus dat. i havent felt anyone could be a really close friend? its the environment i think. u've gotta get along well with everyone... to find jus a few friends who can hit it off with ya.. its jus difficult, i think. argh. dun know how to express my thoughts.
oh yah. an example. i have this bunk mate who i would Never associate with if im still in jc. he's. 1. chao geng. 2. selfish. 3. thinks he's damn good when he jus. can't make it lah, in my opinion. but cause he's my bunkmate and is gonna be for the next 2 more months i cant jus like ignore him or something. argh.

ok i've bought it. the other guitar dat is. dat comes with an amp, a tuner and some stuff. 480 bucks gone. had to borrow 300 from my sis. will hafta repay her on my next payday.
aaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
sigh.

oh yah i finally bought a bass guitar. on ebay. 346 sing dollars. was damn f-ed up man. 100 US dollars for shipping. thought i got it for a steal at 75 US. damnit. there goes my angbow money.
and thats not the worst part. i've bid for another bass. dat one comes with an amp. 170 US. excluding the cost of shipping. if i really get it, i'm broke for the next month.
anyone wants to buy a bass?

Commisioning parade's in 3 days time. this wed man. this wed.
its not a nice feeling, wat im experiencing now, u know.
it damn right sucks man.
and im gonna feel worse as the day approaches. i'd feel damn f***ed up man.
i know, no matter how much i say about it being ok and all - heck, there are more things in life than being an officer and even if i were to become one i'd have been put in some crap job - its... it jus doesnt feel good, u know. like. u've sorta failed when others have succeeded. i can like convince myself dat the reason i failed was 'cause my physical fitness wasn't up there with the rest, yeah i mean average soc timing of 8 mins on the very first test compared to mine 10:27 after so many bloody retests... their aiming for gold... 9:45 2.4 runs compared to my trying so damn hard jus to pass... but the thing is. it doesnt matter that much to me now.
i still feel damn f-ed up.
argh f it man. i'm meeting up with my sec school friends... close friends... sister... i guess there Shuold be enough reasons to like brighten up my week ahead, right?
argh. f it.

today is chinese new year! and i dun hafta visit relatives!!! can slack at home haha. good thing is i've still got quite a lot of money from the relatives who have come visiting heh heh. visiting malaysia tomorrow. i think. suddenly having second thoughts abt the trip. i mean the chances of it happening. usually mum will be like packing stuff frantically the afternoon before the trip. its afternoon now though and nothing's happening.
its jus like any sunday u know. the feeling. jus slacking at home... only diff is i have new clothes on me! the shirt i bought at far east! yeah! and the pants i bought at jurong point. u know, each piece of clothing i buy... reminds me of something. i can like remember every shirt and/or pants i bought... when i bought them i mean. the circumstances. the place. not gone shopping alot lah. heh. did i mention i hate shopping? ok lah not really. jus.. dislike it lah. havent got the hang of it yet. wait i Dun want to get the hang of it. :P

got poked on thursday!!! damn pain sia. thing was my buddy missed both times. ur supposed to strike a vein and infuse some solution into ur buddy lah see. u inject the other one when u miss once. then u inject some other poor guy who thought he got lucky when his buddy struck his vein the first time. haha.
but it was ok lah the experience. experienced like. Extreme pain man. no blood. jus sore muscles. Damn sore muscles. excruciating pain. oh wait. did i say it was ok? it was Not ok. damn pain.
Damn pain.
but the week was ok lah. its like... returning to school. except that all u learn is bio. more practical stuff. good stuff. like cpr. so next time i see a babe at the beach who's almost drowned i can perform cpr on her and be the object of her eternal indebtedness. haha.
oh yah! i learned cpr for infants too. very cute. the baby mannequins i mean. they're like so... cuddly! besides the heads which are damn heavy lah. reminds me of mrs teo's and mrs ng's baby girls. damn cute!!!!! ^_^

i really cant believe this week's horoscope came true. the thing about personal stuff affecting my concentration in the early week. grandad got sent to hospital for a fall. then meeting an important person in my life in late week. i jus went playing mahjong.
it was like... in the car where she sent me to the bus-stop, i felt completely at ease. u know when u meet people of the opposite sex there tends to have like this... tension in the air? at least for me lah. but in the car, with jus the two of us... i felt a complete lack of it. it was as though... yah. my sis (if she could drive) or mum was sending me home or sth. i didnt like feel the need to talk, to force conversation, or stuff.
i only have this familiar feeling when with my family or close friends, normally of the same sex, usually.
i guess... we're sorta fated lah, to meet each other. no i dont think we would ever become a couple, but hey. that feeling transcends like romance lor. i really wouldnt mind having a sworn-sister or sth, like my dad has a sworn brother. i feel like i could really be her brother, u know.

da course is starting tomorrow!!!! no more blogging for me.
not if they really confine us for the first two weeks.
see ya next sat.

i jus attended this Fantastic gathering!!! ok so i sorta crashed it, wasnt my pri school class's one, but hey it was great!!!
it was like... haha i actually know so many ex-6c guys/gals! then they were like quite ok too. haha it was great, basically!!! cant describe the euphoria i'm feeling now. haha nevermind

oh yeah dat scene in LOTR popped into my mind again. cant get it out of my head lah. pippen singing.... faromir charging with his men... it really touched me man. really, i jus cant describe wat i felt when i saw dat scene.
wait i can.
waves, man. waves. (yeah i found out the author's name, DBC Pierre)
oh yah since i feel like writing let me list the movie scenes, any movie scenes, dat have touched me!
truman show. when truman finally decides to go out of his all-beautiful made-up world. and his battling his fear of the sea to finally get to the 'edge' of his world.
independence day. the part where the crazy old man drives his plane up the alien ship's.. erm... opening.
matrix revolutions. dat commander guy controlling his mech-warrior like thingy. going down against the machines. and dat scene jus before they go into battle. the mechwarriors i mean.
love actually. dat guy holding up all the vangard sheets. yeah dat scene.
children of heaven. yeah the whole running part.
school of rock. the part where he's forming the band. haha the whole movie, actually. but i Really cant stand the part where the cellist becomes the bassist though. i mean come on lah. 'jus play the G.' kau im planning to take up the bass lor im sure its much more than jus playing single notes :P
oh yah. and star wars. ep II. the part where darth vader found his mother dead. i could jus Feel his anger and agony i tell u. (i might jus become a Darth Vader one day u know, if someone really hurts me that much)
A.I. finding the fairy at last.
eh cant remember any other movie at the moment i'll add on as i remember :)

i've this sudden urge to blog.
some thoughts on the bus jus now lah. on the way home from a sleepover at mark's place. yeah. sleepover. guys can have sleepovers too. and no we're both straight. im ramrod straight in fact. but dats beside the point.
was listening to jet lah. their music's so... infectious, u know. i said, ARE U GONNA BE MY GIRL?!!! doom doom doom doom doom do do do doom do do haha
suddenly thought of my time in string orchestra. in both chinese high and nj.
more of nj, really.
flashback : jus before our performance in syf. the conductor telling us, 'now i jus want to remind u that we're musicians. jus go out and play ur hearts out. it doesnt matter where we win anything or not.' he could see that we werent too confident of winning anything lah.
i will Always remember that statement. serious.
i tell u, the song farandole we played, it was a classic. i had NEVER, EVER, felt that great playing something before. i got high playing it i tell u. if u have the syf cd go listen to it.
it moved me, u know, his speech. i guess... the thing about making music, or listening to it, even, is the Passion u put into it. Passion. in chinese high i did like the music i was playing. some of it at least. they're the only peices i still remember, to be honest.
guitar, too. the only pieces i remember are those i really liked playing.
esp 'right here waiting'. its a song... i've only played twice. once in bmt to my section (couldnt resist lah) and once to a girl.
i'll always wait for the girl. as a brother, as she puts it. willing to do anything for her. (as a brother, i mus stress though, any other girls reading this im still single and unattached and my heart's still roaming so yah im still available :P haha)