wave function

feeling like a wave function that's yet to collapse.

full of possibilities
full of uncertainty
a superposition of states

is the cat dead or alive?

Surreal Week

This has been a surreal week and today a surreal day. I feel like I am living my life in third person, detached and not particularly feeling any strong emotions.

Today a good friend of mine celebrates her 30th birthday. Today a close relative of a close friend was cremated. Today my canoe-mate broke the news that she is relocating to Australia. Today my platoon mate who has spent several years working abroad shared that she's contemplating whether to return home for good.

All these major life events are happening every moment, for one person or another. They will continue to unfold, even as I am not paying attention or too busy fighting my own fires and battles.

end to another era

Went to collect my MSc certificate and transcript from SMU yesterday.

Pretty pleased with my results overall (apart from the horrible B on my final module). I think it is a set of results that most people would love to have. So I ought to be elated.

Was really tough to complete this entire course successfully, amidst hectic work schedule. so really, that piece of transcript weighed heavily on my hands, something i have really really worked very hard and earnestly for, coz I didn't dare assume i would do well at the outset.

Which made me realize, perhaps I don't have sufficient 'suffering' and uncertainty in my life previously, especially when it comes to studying?

17 again?

A friend protested when I prematurely reminded her of her upcoming 30th birthday. In jest, she remarked that the best age to be at is 17, not 30.

I have my fair share of apprehensions about approaching thirty. But I am very much convinced that I would not trade what I have now for my 17-year-old self. And it's not about whether I get to retain the current possessions and experiences except that I enjoy them in a younger physical body.

I am not sure if it's possible, to live a teenager's lifestyle, with a 30-year-old's world view, and not less importantly, budget. Recall those reckless backpacking days when we slept in train stations and grim underpasses!

At the same time, I wonder if it's wise, to chase our younger selves, when we've already invested several years of our youth presumably to build what's of value to us.

If anything, I have definitely learnt a few important life lessons, chiefly about how complex human nature and the world can be. Yes, I could carry these lessons back in time so that my younger self may actually avoid her numerous follies and misadventures. But that begs the question of whether I will then indeed learn those lessons first hand and have them vividly imprinted in me, even if they may sometimes hurt.

So, does that imply I am contented and at peace with my 29-going-on-30 self? Those who have spoken to me recently would say that even if I am, my incessant griping certainly does not reflect that state of mind.

But as I think a bit deeper about contentment, I begin to see three dimensions of it. The first - discontentment with our lives vis-a-vis what people around us have - sets us into a relentless rat race that may end up leaving us fundamentally dissatisfied and unhappy. The second - discontentment that keeps looking back into the past and wondering how differently things could, might have been if we had chosen this or that path - is futile, since there's no what ifs in the real world. What ifs are just intellectual constructs, little thought experiments that occur under strictly controlled conditions possible only in our imagination.

But, the third dimension of discontentment is probably what we should always maintain a healthy dose of. It's the forward looking cousin of the previous two species. The first has eyes full of envy, always nervously glancing around with unspoken insecurities, while the second has glossed over eyes in which you can constantly see regrets and lethargy. The third is different. Its vision is fixated on the future. It speaks of a hope and optimism, that perhaps the best is really yet to be.

It's with this breed of discontentment that I hope to usher in the fourth decade of my life.

Departures and Arrivals

At the airport now, waiting for the birthday girl to return from work trip.

Sudden realization that I have spent so much more time at the Departure Halls than Arrival Halls of airports, up until this point in my life.

I've always been excited by the airport, because it's a gateway to so many possibilities and unknowns, all just a few hours away. That's from the traveller 's, or wanderlust 's perspective - exploration, adventure, new experiences.

This moment though, the anticipation that comes from waiting at the Arrivals is of a different sort. The atmosphere is that of homecoming, reunion, familiarity. New experience for me...

Youth is an asset

This morning, as I struggled to complete the 3.6-km cross-country run alongside 13-16 year-olds, this thought popped into mind - Youth is an asset, not an expendable consumption good. If so, have I invested wisely? Or perhaps I would like to think that I have yet to exhaust all of my youth, in which case the question is, how shall I get a greater mileage from its remaining years?

Yesterday, my dad offered to sponsor me to study law, after reading some news in the papers. The offer came two years late, I suppose, just as I have completed my part-time masters with SMU. I reckon I have really spent too much of my life studying and not doing anything of authentic value, except to satisfy my own intellectual curiosity.

Yet strangely, I was semi-excited at the prospect of taking up the offer. When I was younger, I did consider the legal profession - too much John Grisham and Ally McBeal maybe. Then again, when I was younger, nothing required much commitment yet and everything seemed possible. Ah, youth and its promises of endless possibilities.

Anyway, the upshot of my rambling is that I am searching for a compelling purpose and passion, so that even as my youth fades away, there will be still be some magic fuel to sustain the drive in me.

the annual blog post

what of my proud declaration that this blog is going to make a comeback?! it's been almost a year since i have posted, or even visited the site.

psychologically i haven't been all that great, which probably explains why i haven't been penning my thoughts down - they are too negative and depressing to be propagated beyond my own little mind. but the causality might have run the other direction, i am not sure.

it seems i have been taking life (and work) a bit too seriously. i'd rather not to if i can help it.