A Letter to My Son On the Night Before He Starts Kindergarten ...

 

Dear Bennett,

 

Tomorrow morning, things the way we know it will change forever.  You are used to waking up without an alarm, slowly eating your breakfast in your undies, then playing... playing cars, pretending you and your brother are Angry Birds and Superheroes, drawing, and whatever else you think of in that creative imagination of yours.  Then, just as we have done since you were 1 year old, we always watch Sesame Street together at 9:00am.  Those days will come to an end when you begin your first day of Kindergarten tomorrow morning. 

 

The anticipation of this day has been a long time coming.  I have been not looking forward to, and actually dreading the fact that...

 

Life as I know it will be changing soon. 

You are growing up. 

I won't have you 24 hours a day in my care anymore.

 

But most of all, I don't like the fact that...

I have to let go of this stage of life with my little Bennett.

 

Son, there are going to be lots of firsts and "letting go"s. This rite of passage into Kindergarten marks one of the first really big ones.  Yes, today marks the first "letting go" of you, and realizing what I already know in my heart to be true... you're not mine anyway, buddy.  You are God's and I'm just here doing my best to take care of you with God's help during this short time here on this earth. 

 

Bennett, you are such a gift to us!  In fact your name, Bennett, means "little blessed one". Your birth into this world is a miracle... something that I thought may never happen for us. Your Dad and I desperately wanted a baby and for 3 years we couldn't have one.  It was through that struggle and the reality that we literally had no control over being able to have a baby, that I reached out to God in desperation. 

 

When my healthy, screaming, beautiful baby boy was laid in my arms, I was overcome with joy and the feeling that God didnt have to give me this gift.  I decided that 1) I would never take for granted the struggle that it took to have you and 2) that I would fully dedicate your life to God, since you weren't mine, but God's anyway. Your first name, Samuel, was given to you in honor of the story of Samuel in the Bible and how hard of a struggle it took Hannah to have a baby. "I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him... forever this child will be the Lord's..." (I Samuel 1:27-28). 

 

When you were 2 years old, I remember eagerly anticipating when school would start because the days seemed long and unending at times.  But last year when your dad and I began to seriously discuss where you would go to school and we started filling out papers and getting information, it began to really sink in. I wanted to turn back time.  I began to embrace fully and savor every moment during those long days, knowing that my days of having you all to myself were quickly coming to an end. 

 

Now that the time is finally here, I'm realizing just how hard this is for me! 

 

I. Don't. Want. To. Let. Go. 

 

For some people, they are so ready for school to start so their kids can go back, and I really wish in some ways that I was more like that! See, I am a person who does not like change.  Nope.  I really don't.  Your Momma wants things to stay like they are.  I didn't like it when I was a kid, and it's still hard for me today.  New things and the unknown are uncomfortable for me.  But I'm realizing that God teaches me some of the biggest lessons through my discomfort and through having me do something I really don't want to do.

 

From years ago to only recently, we thought we would put you into a Christian school.  That was my comfort and consolation for having to put you into school.  I went to a Christian school through the 6th grade, and I really like the fact that what is being taught is coming from a biblical world view.  Plus, it's something I just feel comfortable with since your Gammy teaches there and I used to as well.

 

Once we had our 4th child in 4 years, and once we saw that it was not possible, and once we saw that God was shutting that door for private school, I began to get sad and say "nooo!"  No, this is not what I wanted for you.  No, this is not allowing what I desire for my son.  No, this is not what is best for Bennett.  I tried every way to prove this is not what God wanted. And I fully embraced and researched the possibility of home schooling you for a few years.

 

But after much, much prayer and reading the Bible and searching and deep conversations with your Dad, we feel that for now, God has led us to a decision to put you into a public school.  As your Dad and I have learned through several situations in our marriage, sometimes God can ask you to do the thing you don't want to do, all in an effort to grow your faith and trust in Him.  Well, let me tell ya, son... this is growing my faith! You can bet that I have and will be praying more than I ever have in my life!

 

Once again, I'm back to realizing I have no control over this situation, kind of like I had no control over getting pregnant with you.  I won't be there with you to help you meet friends, to soften the blow if someone is mean to you, to give you a hug if you get hurt on the playground (and Lord knows you can hurt yourself pretty bad!!), and to just be there to know the things you're seeing and hearing and experiencing.  Once again, God is teaching me that you are not my possession.  You are a gift.  My responsibility is to train you to become a young man who will love God with all his heart.  My tight grip of holding onto you needs to turn and hold onto God, who is once again, the one who is in control of you. 

 

I told your Dad this morning that I felt so dumb that I was making this so hard.  I couldn't understand why this was so easy for some people and why it's so emotional for me.  He told me something that really helped me understand myself better.  He said, "Katie, you made the decision to stay home and dedicate the last 5 years of your life to raise and take care of your son 24 hours a day.  Now, that season of life is over and it's understandably hard."  That helped me so much for him to say what I was feeling but couldn't put into words.

 

Bennett, I will pray everyday for God to protect your heart and mind.  I will pray that you will choose good friends who will be a good influence on you and who you can be an influence on as well. I will pray that you remember the things we have tried to instill in you... especially that you can talk to God when you're scared, nervous, sad, mad... and He's always there with you.  While I'm so sad this stage of your life is over, I am excited for this next journey you will take. 

 

I love you so much, Buddy!

Mom 

 

 

 

 

My Dad ...

(taken at my Dad's oncology appointment today)

 

I just want to say how proud of my Dad that I am.

 

My Dad has always been a great guy.  Very full of integrity, care for all his daughters, for his wife, loyal, Christian, thorough, has good work ethic, quiet, wonderful son, leader of our family. 

 

But something happened to my Dad 2 years ago...

 

He was diagnosed with cancer.

 

From the day my Dad found out he had cancer, he has been fighting.  My Dad doesn't only have cancer, he has an agressive form that will most likely be a long battle. 

 

But instead of my Dad getting mad at God for having to go through this, saying "why me?", having a bad attitude, giving in to the aches and pains and tiredness of his body, or giving up because of the different setbacks, I have seen my Dad become a Hero through this.

 

I have always thought a lot of my Dad.  And I have always loved my Dad.  But, this fight with cancer has caused me to have a new appreciation for my Dad.  I am so proud of the way I see Him clinging to Scriptures and to God as he deals with all the emotions and hurdles that come with a battle with cancer.  He has grown closer to God through this, he has helped our family grow closer to God and each other through this, he has allowed this situation to show others just how much faith in God he has, he has reached out to others through this, and he has developed a deeper trust in God than I have ever seen in Him.

 

I have seen a peace in my Dad that I have never seen before.

 

My Dad has shown me that he is a fighter.  And that he LOVES his family.  But most of all, he has shown me that he trusts and has faith in God... NO MATTER what the outcome.  I am so proud of my Dad and so grateful that he is my Dad and that my children get to have him as their Pops

A few thoughts...

I'm so blessed with my kids. I don't want to ever take for granted how precious their lives are and how grateful I am that God answered my prayers for having my kids. Those years were so long while we lost babies and waited, not knowing if we would ever have biological children.

I have to remind myself on difficult days that my kids, as trying as some days can be, are gifts from God. And that God is growing me in each stage and season of raising them. I have to remember that not only are they (hopefully) learning obedience, but I am learning as I constantly have to lean on God for help in dealing with each situation with each child.

Man, it's a lot of responsibility! Not just the diaper changing, laundry, cleaning up, potty training, feeding, reading, playing, and all, but it's more than that. I am responsible for their attitudes and what they believe and what they are learning and for correcting behavior that is not Christ like. The reality has gotten more "real" as I see certain attitudes and things my boys say pop up. Wow. It's so much responsibility! And I want to do it right!!

These years are so important as we lay the foundation for what I hope my kids will build on in the years to come. I want them to love Jesus and love others. I want them to have a heart for other people over themselves. I don't want them to waver in their faith in Jesus, but I pray that their faith in God will be strong so they can deal with problems in life that will inevitably come up.

I have been entrusted with so much and my prayer is that I take every opportunity to raise my kids exactly like God wants me to.

It is a huge task and I'm learning and growing everyday!

First Day of School

 My boys started to "school" last week and it was so much fun!

 

They both are on a cereal kick and each of them asked for their favorite: Strawberry Frosted Mini Wheats. Bennett had 3 bowls...

 

Pax had 2.

Bennett is starting his first year of pre-school at our church's program. He will be going 2 days a week.  I love that his class is mainly the same as last year's Mother's Day Out class and his teachers are the same, too! I love them! On his first day of school, he came home with 2 worksheets on which he had tried to write his name. It was precious. And they worked on the numbers 1 and 2. He's so big... already doing school work! :)

As Bennett was playing around that morning and I was getting ready to help him get his clothes on, I asked him, "Bennett! Are you ready for your first day of preschool!?!?". He said, "Well, Mom, I'm almost excited. But right now my face is just normal." Ha! He's a sweet kid who really has gotten so smart. Phil has helped him learn how to sound out words, so he can already read some words.



He and Pax are the best of friends. They're SO close in age. Sometimes I wonder if they hold each other back. They pretty much do the same things and are treated on the same level. They do fight a lot, which we are really trying to work on. But, it's amazing to me how different Bennett acts when he's not around Pax. He's more mature and mannerly and BIG! Don't get me wrong, the boys love playing cars and pirates and cowboys together. Oh man, their fun never ends! I just think sometimes they need a little break from one another!

 

Paxey was SO excited for another year at Mother's Day Out! He will still be only going 1 day a week, which will give me a little more time with him while Bennett is in school on Wednesdays. Pax wants to do EVERYTHING like his older brother. I had a different pair of shoes on Pax, but he saw that Bennett was wearing "tennis shoes" and he HAD to wear tennis shoes too.  I don't have a pair of new tennis shoes for Pax yet, so I showed him Bennett's tennis shoes from last year.  It made them all the more cool that they were Bennett's OLD tennis shoes.  Really??? Surely that will not last! He just thought it was the coolest thing that his tennis shoes used to be his brother's last year.

(So, Jordan, why didn't you think my old clothes were cool when they were passed down to you?!!?)

 

Paxey is the sweetest little kid. He says the cutest things in his funny little voice. I crack up all the time.  If you've ever seen Veggie Tales, do you know how Junior Asparagas talks? Well, that's exactly how Pax talks. It's hilarious! Maybe it's because that's his favorite show and it's worn off on him? Not sure. But pretty sure I'll be sad when he matures out of this "accent"! :) 

 

Paxey also has a little bit of a strong will, which my mom tells me can be a good thing when you're a grown up. We just have to figure out how to deal with it right now. He can throw some pretty good fits! But when he is sweet, he is VERY sweet.

One thing that is true is just how tight the bond is between my 2 older boys. (Phil worries that Tate will never fit in!) They may fight like mad men at home, but when they're at school, church, Bible Study, I've been told that they run to each other, hug, pat, kiss, take care of the other one. 

 

For now, Tate gets the biggest kick out of watching them play. I'm sure he'll play right along with them someday!

 

And after we dropped the boys off at school, Phil and I got to enjoy the BEST hour eating bagels and drinking coffee at my favorite breakfast place... Old School Bagel Cafe. We had the best talk and totally enjoyed a rare moment of hanging out together. We did have Tate, but he sat in his stroller eating Cheerios and watching "Live With Kelly". :)

A Few Things We Are Loving...

My boys love, Love, LOVE, LOOOOVVVVEEEE to play cars.

I don't even know how to express their devotion to their beloved toys.

At times (ok, a LOT of times) it becomes a source of fighting... alas, as hard as I try I cannot for the life of me figure out a way to get them to quit fighting over these cars! It starts out so cute and brotherly as they sit there lining up their cars.  Then all of a sudden, one starts screaming that the other one took his car! I'm like, "there's 80 million cars here... so how are we fighting over 1 car!???!!!"
 But, they do.

We are working on that. 

 

The boys also LOVE to go to the park!! 

We found the funnest park about a year ago that the boys BEG to go play on. It's Nienhuis Park in Broken Arrow and we make the trek out there occasionally. It's seriously so nice! It has a huge open field and Phil has taken the kite out there for the boys to fly. The other night, my parents and sisters met us out there and we had a picnic dinner and played at the park!

My dad saw a football game scrimmage going on at a field nearby, so he HAD to take the boys to watch the game. My boys LOVE their Pops, too :)

I'm seriously so grateful that my boys LOVE to go to church.
They talk about church during the week and get excited when they take their baths on Saturday nights to get ready for church the next morning.

I LOVE that my church LOVES kids and has wonderful kids' activities to be involved in. I pray that my boys always love church and love Jesus. That's what Phil and I are trying to instill in them even at this young age.

This was the conversation a few days ago:

Bennett: "Mommy, do bad guys go to Heaven?"

Me: "Well, if they ask Jesus to save them."

Bennett: (looking up to the sky) "Jesus, can you please save me?!"

Ha! So cute!

On this particular Sunday, Bennett was recognized in front of the whole church because he is becoming a big preschooler. Beginning next Sunday, he will come to big church with me and Phil... (ummmmm, I'm a little scared!)

(there he is in the green shirt sitting by the teacher :) )

Happy Birthday, Tate!!!

Perfect way to come back to the world of blogging... 

making my first post in a year on Tate's 1st birthday!

 

 My last post was 2 days before Tate was born....

and now he is ONE YEAR OLD!!
Tate came into the world on Thursday, August 25, 2011. I was 2 days overdue and had just been to the doctor the day before. I was told I needed to be induced because Tate was having little movement and my fluid was low. We don't want to mess around with that!, so off to the hospital at 5am the next morning we went! Tate was born at 2:55pm. Thank the Lord, no complications! Perfect little baby! (My epidural did wear off and YES I felt the worst part of labor even though I was paying not to!! Oh well! Yowch, though!!!!!)

 

If you know me, I don't pick a name for my babies unless it has meaning.  Tate was no exception.  We looked for a name that represented meaning for what we were going through in our lives and we came up with

Isaac Tate

Isaac means "laughter".

Blessed are you who hunger now, for you will be satisfied. Blessed are you who weep now, for you will laugh. -Luke 6:21.

Isaac's story in the Bible is about sacrifice and obedience. Phil and I were learning a lot about both of those subjects during my pregnancy.  "Isaac" fit perfectly with that times in our lives and I will always remember what we were dealing with because of his name.

Tate means "cheerful".

A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. -Proverbs 17:22  

Tate's name has been a constant reminder to us in this last year that we do need to be more cheerful.

 

 

Tate completely and fully lives up to his name! He is my baby who smiles and laughs the most! He is the most laid back child we have had and is just a sweet spirit for our family. I love his name, and I love it even more now since he depicts the meaning of this name he bears.

And Bennett and Pax LOVE him!!!  Bennett plays with Tate the most.  It's fun to watch him get down on the floor and talk "baby" to him. Sure, the boys have to be reminded at times that Tate is a baby and doesn't understand when he messes up their lines of cars, but overall, they are very protective brothers. I will always love this first pic we took of the boys all together in the hospital. They were so sweet! Pax kept saying "it's ok, Tate." These boys have a bond that I can't wait to watch only get stronger as they get older.

We are so blessed by this cute little tub of chunk!

We love you, Tater Tot! 

Happy birthday, sweet boy!

Waiting...

Today's the due date for little baby boy to arrive. Let's be honest... I didn't think he would come today. I mean, my history is to be late.

Very, very late.

Bennett was 11 days late.

Pax was 9 days late.

Who knows with this little guy!? But, in the meantime, we are spending quality time together and enjoying our life as normal before the craziness begins.

And, there's plenty to be doing... just take one look at my house! Ha! I'm wondering just how long it takes after you move in to a new house to feel settled! :)

No words necessary...

Daddy: "What's in the trash, boys?"

Pax: "Boo."

The Countdown is On...

It's almost that time! Our newest little baby is scheduled to arrive in the next few days! These little boys are ready... well, as ready as they're gonna be. Ha! I don't think they really know what's going to happen to their little lives in the next few months. But they are very excited to talk about the "new baby"!

Here I am at 39 weeks!

We have had such an AWESOME last 2 years with our 2 little guys. I can't thank God enough for blessing us with these 2 gifts. It took us so long to get pregnant with Bennett. What a journey that was! To not really know and to have the fear that I wasn't ever going to be able to have a baby was so paralyzing for me. In the 3 years we waited for a baby, which included the loss of our first baby, I grasped the gravity of what a treasure and gift and blessing that a baby was. I wanted a baby SO bad! Looking back, as hard as that time was, I wouldn't change anything because of just how much I learned through that process. I wouldn't be who I am without having gone through that time.

All that to say, this baby we're getting ready to have is not being taken for granted at all! I'm sure some people may look at someone pregnant with their 3rd and say "oh, they're kickin' out another one again!" No! I feel so overwhelmed that God would bless us again with another pregnancy. Between the birth of Pax and this baby, we have experienced another 2 losses which really makes this little boy even more of a gift.

This little baby has also led us on a journey. Phil and I had been dealing with some really heavy decisions we had to make. It was a months long journey. As soon as we put the pen to paper and made the very difficult decision (well, at least for me!) to follow through with what we thought God was calling us to do, that very same week I found out I was pregnant with this little guy. It was almost like one of the affirmations that we were obeying what God had asked us to do and He was blessing our obedience. I am very grateful for this baby.

Let's see how close we get to this date! :)

What's my deal?!?!

I RARELY post a video on my blog. In fact, I can only remember a time or 2. So, I can't believe I'm posting another video 2 days in a row. For some reason, Francis Chan is really connecting with me and maybe because it's because I'm dealing with some of these same issues in my head right now that he's speaking about in these videos. This video is SO good!

It's so funny to me that we think we can control what happens to us. I'm as guilty as anyone in trying to avoid certain dangers, make my life very predictable, etc. After dealing with some things we've recently been experiencing in our lives, I'm seeing that we really have no control on our lives, as much as we think we do. And the longer we try to hold on to that control and be "safe", we can't live in the freedom of Christ and experience all He has for us.

Anyway, watch the video...