The Man with the Scorpion Tattoo

No, this is not a male version of the popular novel The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. This is much better than that.  I'm pretty sure nobody had very many laughs reading that dragon tattoo book. The Man with the Scorpion Tattoo also is not a fictional character. The Man with the Scorpion Tattoo is a guy I see at my Starbuck's almost every morning. To be fair, it's not really my Starbucks. I am neither owner nor manager, but The Man with the Scorpion Tattoo still shows up there regularly regardless of my lack of affiliation with the place.

The Man with the Scorpion Tattoo is bald. Not old man, male pattern baldness bald, but "I shaved my head so I can look like a bad ass" bald.  The Man with the Scorpion Tattoo also has a giant scorpion tattooed on his bald head. A scorpion tattoo that is much larger than any real scorpion. The tattoo stretches from the top of his head, wrapping around the back and down to the top of the neck. Each morning I wonder, what exactly is he trying to tell the world about himself?

Evil. I think having a giant scorpion tattooed on a menacing bald head kind of screams evil. My shamrock tattoo says I'm Irish. His scorpion tattoo says 'I'm evil." In fact after observing The Man with the Scorpion Tattoo daily for a while now, I'm pretty sure he is actually Satan. Yup, the real one. Apparently, just like you and me, Satan stops for his Starbucks fix on his way to work every day. Coffee, black of course. None of those frou frou girly drinks with whipped cream.  He keeps to himself and goes about his business quietly while at Starbucks, but just the same, I'm pretty sure he's Satan. He makes small talk with the baristas so as not to arouse any suspicion. He tips, but never too much or too little. He always sits alone at the table by the window.

I suppose it's possible right? I mean, Satan has a job to do every day doesn't he? If he didn't show up for work each day encouraging evil, imagine all the police officers, military, and jail staff that would be out of work. Without evil our economy suffers. So like the rest of us, Satan’s day begins when his alarm goes off. Because he's evil, he hits snooze. Twice. Then I imagine Satan walking his dog clad in pajama pants and a Motley Crue reunion tour t-shirt. Obviously, he doesn't pick up the poop in a little bag because of his inherent evil nature. Unlike me, Satan never bothers to iron his shirt for work either. Before leaving for work he grabs his bagged lunch, grumbling over the low carb kick his wife is on, and gives Mrs. Satan a little kiss and let's her know if he'll be home late because there's a need for a little extra unrest in the middle east. Then he hops in the Satan mobile (you would think a red car, but he thinks that's too flashy and goes with black. Tinted windows of course. Maybe a Mustang.) Then he stops at Starbuck's to have his coffee, check Facebook and go over his schedule, all the while making a mental note that when he gets some extra time he'll have to perpetrate some evil on that guy in the tie who stares at him every morning. 

Remember the 1995 Joan Osborne song, "What if God Were One of Us?"  If God could be one of us, so could Satan. And if Satan had a name, I imagine it wouldn't be any of those fancy biblical names like Beezlebub or Lucifer. Seriously, how much of a giveaway would that be? He'd be constantly hounded by fans and papparazzi. No, I'm pretty sure that if Satan has a name it's something like Ed. And yes Ms. Osborne, I would call him Ed to his face. I wonder if Ed has a blog...If he does, I'm pretty sure he gets more reads than I got last week because his friends click on the Facebook Like or Share button below. C'mon people, we can't let evil win! 

If you enjoy my nonsense and want to help me defeat evil you can subscribe to The Phil Factor on your Amazon Kindle, try out my humorous murder mystery novel White Picket Prisons and follow me on my new Facebook author page at https://www.facebook.com/pages/Phil-Taylor/331876066920144.>

 

Please Help A Blogger Out With A Couple Clicks?

Hi Everyone, Since I have a blog and a book I've been told I need a Facebook author page to connect with "fans" and promote my work. Great. So I set up a page. You know that whole tree falls in a forest thing? I need some people to hear my tree fall. Here is the link to my page and I'd appreciate it tremendously if I had some Likes. https://www.facebook.com/pages/Phil-Taylor/331876066920144 Yeah, I know it's a pain that it's not a live link, but the system wouldn't accept it for some reason. By the way, through a set of circumstances too complicated to explain, if you don't Like my Facebook author page, Snuggles the fabric softener bear will die.

The Phil Factor Loyalty Card

That's right! There's now a Phil Factor Loyalty Card! Any reader who signs up for The Phil Factor Loyalty Card is entitled to all the honors and benefits occurring thereto. Of course you'll get a Phil Factor keychain tag and you can track your bonus points online! 

Here's how it will work: You'll receive 100 Bonus Points just for signing up. Each time you read The Phil Factor you scan your keychain tag in front of your webcam and your visit to the site will be logged and you'll receive 50 Phil Factor Bonus points in your account. When your Bonus Points totals reach certain thresholds you'll receive a Phil Factor gift card in the mail that's redeemable for merchandise in The Phil Factor online Gift Store. After 10,000 points you can even earn a free overnight stay at The Phil Factor.

Yes, I am kidding. Seriously though, is there anything left in life that we don't need a loyalty card, bonus card, club card, miles card, or points card for? Dear supermarkets, do you really need my name, address, phone number, mother's maiden name and "last four of your social" in your database just so I can get 50 cents off of Cheez Whiz? I've got an idea, why don't supermarkets just sell us the food at the best possible price they can?

If I actually had the loyalty card to every store I use, my wallet would be the size of a car battery, and that would totally ruin the look of my ass in jeans. If you don't want to carry all the cards, the other option is to download an app and scan all your cards into the app and then look it up in your phone to show the clerk everytime you want to use a loyalty card. Holy crap, do I really need to involve megabites and the world wide web just so I can get my 15th coffee half price? (Wouldn't that be a good name for a band? Megabites and The World Wide Web)

If I could get back all of my time that's used in the course of a week by a cashier saying, "Do you have a bonus card? Would you like to sign up? It will only take a minute" I'd have enough extra time to go see a movie. Maybe two movies if you count the time I have to stand in line behind some dolt who decided to sign up for the bonus card right then and there because they just found out that they can get 12 cents off of their next purchase. 

When I'm elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I'm going to pass a law outlawing loyalty cards. Everyone would pay a Loyalty Card Tax of 1 cent on every purchase in exchange for the merchants selling everything at the lowest possible price that allows them to remain profitable. 

If you really want to show your loyalty to The Phil Factor you can subscribe to my blog on your Amazon Kindle for only 99 cents/month so that you never miss an installment and you can enjoy my humorous murder mystery novel White Picket Prisons which is available for Kindle, Nook and iPad. Also if you can identify the movie I quoted in the first paragraph you'll earn 50 Phil Factor points.

 

Not Quite Perfect: Woven Diamonds

Go visit this blog. She's a fantastic artistic, a longtime Phil Factor reader and a good friend.

Not Quite Perfect: Woven Diamonds: I made a screencast / tutorial at the same time as creating this one. The only difference between this and the screencast is that I redid ...

Screw Benjamin Buttons: The Top 5 Benefits to Aging

I hate to admit this, but there's no getting around it anymore. You're getting older. I'm not, but you definitely are. Most of you are dreading getting older. I'm not. Screw Benjamin Buttons. I can't wait to get old! There are benefits to being old that I cannot believe! It's like some secret club, only the members that are in it now have no idea how good they've got it.

1. Getting Stuff Cheap: You only have to be 50 join the AARP and you get all kinds of stuff really, really cheap! It costs $63 to join for 5 years. Here's one benefit: At the movie theater you get 49% off of soda and popcorn. That's your $63 paid back right there in one trip to the movies! I'm thinking of getting a fake ID so I can pass for 50. Separate from the AARP is the fact that you get cheap coffee virtually everywhere! I admit it, I have a morning Starbucks fix and I can't wait to cut that bill in half. 

2. Freedom of Speech: We all have freedom of speech, in theory. There are two groups however that can get away with saying whatever they want and people excuse it because of their age. Little kids and old people. How often do you hear some grumpy old person say something outrageous and people around them just shrug their shoulders as if to say, "What are you gonna do? He's just old." Whereas if you or I say something crazy, we're in a meeting with Human Resources the next morning. I'm practicing my Ed Asner voice for those occasions when I want to say what I really think.

3. The Fashion Freezer: Whether we choose to or not, at some point our sense of style and fashion gets frozen in time. We've seen these people at work and thought, why are they still wearing clothes or a hairstyle that hasn't been popular in 20 years? It happens to everyone. Sadly, at some point in the future there's going to be a whole generation of accountants, lawyers and politicians walking around with their pants hanging off their ass. The upside is that you can stop buying new clothes and put no time or thought into what you wear each day. 

4. Travel: I cannot wait to go on a Golden Memories bus tour! They're cheap, someone else plans them, does the driving and puts on a movie for you to watch on the ride. Las Vegas here I come! The only downside is that it's a bus full of old people. 

5. Retirement: Retirement doesn't mean never working again, it means only working at what you want to. What I want to work at is hanging out with other old dudes at the coffee shop and playing chess all day as I drink my half price coffee. Maybe I'll still write this blog too. As social media evolves into smaller and smaller sound bites or tweets or whatever comes next I may be the last blogger on Earth in about 10 years. By then my following of grumpy, old people will be tremendous, until they die off of course. 

If you would like to age gracefully with me you can subscribe to The Phil Factor on your Amazon Kindle and perhaps enjoy my murder mystery novel White Picket Prisons which you can find by clicking on of the links in the right sidebar. Stay aged my friends.

 

The 5 People You'll Meet in The Gym

Was your New Years Resolution to get in better shape? Did you sign up for a gym? You may not know it by looking at me, but I belong to a gym. I think there was a law passed stating that the more popular a gym is, the louder the music has to be. If you were to notice only the music and people on cell phones you'd think you were out at a club. I'll be damned if I can find someone to give my a beer though. That's why I fill my water bottle with beer before I go.

There are several categories of people that go to a gym. I think that the smallest number belong to the group of normal people who go to the gym a few times a week just to stay in decent shape. That's the group I'm in. There are several other types. Which one do you fit in to?

1.  "Three-weekers." You may be one of these and don't know it yet. I call them this because they probably won't use their membership for more than three weeks. You can always spot one of the three-weekers because they are so clueless about exercise that they actually accept the complimentary session with the personal trainer so they can learn how to use the equipment. Another way to spot the three weekers is that you'll see them sort of drifting around the gym watching people use equipment as if they are watching animals at the zoo. The three weekers do this to try to figure out which pieces of equipment they might be capable of using without becoming a danger to themselves or others. 

2.  Locker Room Nudists. Who doesn't hate these people? These are the people who are obviously way too comfortable with their bodies, and in general they're usually the people who shouldn't be. For God's sake, put on a towel when you walk from the shower back to your locker! And do not, under any circumstances, talk to ME while you are naked. We're not that intimate!

3. "Women" at the gym. Some of them scare me. When women start doing things like wearing weight belts and bench pressing, doing pull-ups, and curls, I get a little scared about getting too close. I want no part of a pre-menstrual woman who has more muscle mass than me. That is not a safe combination.

4. "The Bicep Bunch." Just imagine the theme song, "The Bicep Bunch, the Bicep Bunch, that's the way we became the Bicep Bunch!" There would be the t.v. screen full of the little picture squares, except instead of looking at each other and smiling they would all be looking at their flexing biceps and smiling. In that scenario I would be Alice. The Bicep Bunch has a uniform too. It consists of work boots, denim jeans and a black muscle shirt. They literally walk around the gym in groups of several guys in this identical outfit. I call them the Bicep Bunch because they're only interested in working out their upper body in hopes of impressing women. Not that impressing women is a bad goal. For most of these guys though, their bodies are disproportionate. They spend so much time on their upper body and none on their lower body that they just have little stick-like legs. I imagine in a fight they'd be pretty easy to take out if you just "sweep the leg Daniel" they'd fall on their back and like a turtle be stuck that way with their little legs flailing helplessly in the air until the rest of the Bicep Bunch flipped them over.

5. Cell Phone People. I have no freakin' idea how they can even hear anyone on their cell phones over the din of the music. The only exercise these people are getting is exercising their mouths. I'm sure they can't do real exercise because they're so winded from talking. It's always a temptation to drop a big weight on these dopes. Not that I'm carrying big weights, but maybe I could persude one of the Bicep Bunch to do it for me because after taking out their leader Karate Kid style I am now their king.

If you enjoy what you read please hit the Facebook Like or Share button. If you enjoy my nonsense and want to get a regular reading workout you can subscribe to The Phil Factor on your Kindle or you can order my humorous, murder mystery novel "White Picket Prisons" for Kindle, Nook, or iPad, iPod or iPhone.