2013: The Year in Preview?

I'm not going to review the year either personally or in music, movies, or news. As is my tradition I will list the things I believe that should happen during the coming year. There isn't a single media outlet that can resist the obligatory "Year in Review" piece. Why? We all know what happened! We don't need the events ranked for us. And for crying out loud don't give us that videography set to music of the people that died this year! That's so depressing it makes me want to join that list immediately. Please fold up your tray tables and put your seats in the upright position. Here is 2013: The Year in Preview:

1. Kill the Fiscal Cliff: I vote we eliminate this phrase from the national vocabulary in 2013. Whether we go "over the fiscal cliff" or not I am tired of the phrase. It's panic mongering by a print media that is looking for something to put in the news magazines and newspapers just to stay in business a little longer before the internet and e-readers render them obsolete. 

2. Flying Cars: Everybody my age was told we'd all have flying cars by now. Well?!!? Where are they? Were the Jetsons lying to us? When I was a kid the year 2013 was way into "the future" where we would all have flying cars. I want mine. Instead of working out the bugs in hybrid vehicles why can't GM or Ford get to work on a flying car. I don't care if the first flying car gets 1 mile per gallon of gas, put me on the list for one. I wonder, what happens if a flying car runs into "the cloud." Will all my iTunes come falling out?

3. An end to the "end of the world": I have "end of the world" fatigue. In 2013 I'd like to see absolutely no mention of the end of the world whether it be by Mayan prophecy, a vengeful deity, asteroids, or zombies. Which brings me to my next wish for 2013...

4. The Year of the Werewolf: We've done ghosts in The Sixth Sense, Paranormal Activity etc. We've done vampires in the form of Twilight (I just threw up in my mouth a little when I typed that). We've done zombies in The Walking Dead and well, just about everything. Let 2013 be the Year of the Werewolves! Yes, I know they've had a little play in the Twilight movies, but c'mon, we have yet to really dedicate a pop culture groundswell of popularity to werewolves. Books, movies, bad t.v. series on the CW, the werewolf marketing opportunities are endless! 

5. Embrace Global Warming: Al Gore is a moron, well, except for inventing the internet. But how is global warming a bad thing? Put on some sunscreen and enjoy! What? The polar ice caps are meltingand ocean levels are rising? Great, more water is available. We have a pipeline that runs from Alaska to the lower 48 states. If we can lay a pipe that long, why not run one from the ocean to the desert areas of Africa so they can grow some crops there! Third world hunger problem eradicated. You're welcome planet Earth.

If you have any ideas of what you think should happen in 2013 feel free to leave them in the comments below. Also, if you want more Phil in your life in 2013 you can subscribe to The Phil Factor on your Amazon Kindle and try my new humorous murder mystery novel White Picket Prisons by clicking the link at the top of this page. As always, thank you for reading and if you like what you read please click the Facebook Like or Share buttons.

 

 

Phil on The Shelf

HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE! This delightful picture is courtesy of Gooby and his ninja photoshop skills.

It's the End of The World as We Know It...

See? I told you so! I wrote this post on Oct. 13, 2009 and dated it to be released to the blog on Dec. 22, 2012, the day after the Mayan calendar ended and the world was supposed to end. If you're reading this post, apparently that didn't happen. So suck on that you Mayan calendar nutjobs.

The Elf from Hell?

Most of you are familiar with the Elf on the Shelf right?  In the Elf on the Shelf tradition these poorly dressed little plastic elves are mischeivous minions of the red suited overlord who spy on the every move of children and report back to their tyrannical leader. That allegedly quaint little elf doll was invented about 10 years ago as a new, and for some toymaking company, moneymaking tradition. Fortunately for my kids I wasn't aware of The Elf on the Shelf when they were young enough to believe in it. 

Parents put these little Elves on a shelf and the children are told that the Elf cannot be touched or it will lose it's Chistmas magic. The elf allegedly flies back to the North Pole to report to Santa every night. Man kids are gullible! In the immortal words of Bugs Bunny, "What a bunch of maroons!" The nightly flight is how parents explain that the Elf is in a different spot when the kids wake up each morning. 

Of course this crazy little ruse makes kids behave in the weeks leading up to Christmas! They're terrified! Are you kidding me? Even now if you told me a Chuckie doll was going to sit on my shelf and stare at me while I slept, or that it might be moving around my house at night? I would never go to sleep again. The kids have got to be too terified or too tired to misbehave. No wonder they have a weeks vacation from school after Christmas. They probably spend that week sleeping for the first time in a month.

I have a friend who says that after her kids are asleep she will pose the Elf somewhere to make it appear as if the Elf had gotten into mischief overnight, such as putting him next to a tipped over jar of something, or maybe on a desk next to some torn up papers. So her kids wake up imagining that this creepy little doll with the frozen scary clown smile is moving about the house in the dark destroying things. How much longer before someone imagines the doll picking up a knife? What if in some home where they're torturing their kids with the Elf on the Shelf, just by coincidence, their elderly dog or cat were to pass away during the night? What do you suppose those kids are going to think for the rest of their lives? 

This tradition sounds like psychological warfare against children. How long before we see kids who have grown up with this tradition seeking counseling for PTED, Post-Traumatic Elf Disorder? 

Happy Holidays to you and your families. If you really want something mysterious and far less traumatic to just appear somewhere this holiday season you can subscribe to The Phil Factor on your Amazon Kindle or you can get my humorous murder mystery novel White Picket Prisons for your Kindle, Nook or iPad.

 

 

 

 

The Guy Code of Conduct Chapter 3: Present Buying

It's the most wonderful time of the year. Yeah, if you like mental and emotional torture. It's that time of year when we as men are put to the test. The relationship test. Well, it's not THE relationship test. There are countless relationship tests day in and day out that test our mettle as a husband, fiance or boyfriend. Buying presents for special occasions is one of those tests. Whether you celebrate Hannukah or Christmas, put on your thinking caps boys because it's time to sharpen your perceptive accumen. Make no mistake though, it's not me assuming that men have perceptive accumen, it's the women, and therein lies the problem. 

Did anyone see or read The Davinci Code or any of the sequels to it? Professor Robert Langdon kept finding himself in life threatening situations in which he has to solve a mystery using obscure clues found in ancient artifacts and works of art that were usually hidden all over some city. Sounds like Christmas shopping doesn't it? Langdon had it easy though. He was only up against a murderous cult or psychotic nutcase. And if he was successful in saving the day he usually got a little nookie at the end. Still sounds like Christmas shopping to me. 

Now back to that perceptive accumen. Let's hop in Peabody's Wayback Machine, destination 1989. Our hero Phil had a fiance. And a mullet.Typically those last two things are mutually exclusive. One day Phil, his fiance and his mullet were strolling merrily through a store in a mall when the fiance saw a shower massage and said, "Oh, I'd like one of those." Fast forward a month when said fiance opens her Christmas gift to find the aforementioned shower massage. And it was a damn nice shower massage too. If  it was a Davinci Code novel, however,  Langdon's family would be dead and he was getting no nookie. Not even in the shower. I kept the fiance, lost the mullet and stll hear that shower massage mentioned every year as an example of the worst gift buying ever. 

My point is, sometimes the subtle hints women drop regarding what they want are often lost on men. It's not that we're stupid, it's that our brains work differently. Men are hard wired for action and reaction. We are hunters while women are gatherers. I've seen the pet pyschic have better luck interpreting a single woof from a one eyed, three legged basset hound with the pulse of a ficus tree. "What's that Lucky? Your owner doesn't hug you enough? You miss your siblings who were left behind at the pound? Wait, I hear a voice coming through from beyond. I think it's your grandmother. She says 'woof, woof', does that mean something to you? Wait, I'm translating, she says she didn't want a shower massage for Christmas. She wanted a rawhide chew." That's right, it's a pet pychic who channels the spirits of dead animals. And he's still more accurate at that than most men are at deciphering the byzantine, labrynthine maze of clues women leave to test us.

Getting the wrong gift ruins Christmas for everyone. If a woman isn't happy with her gift, we can tell and we feel like a jerk. Nobody wins. Often a Christmas gone wrong might go like this:

Woman: (sigh) "oh, a sweater. Thanks."

Guy: "What? What's wrong? That time when we were in the store you said you liked that sweater.You didn't mention anything else." 

Woman: "Yes I did. Several times. Remember when we went out to dinner and I said I liked the dessert? Well they make the dessert with the Cuisinart 6000 Deluxe Mixmaster Turbo. And I wanted it in taupe to match my kitchen. And one of those Jane Seymour necklaces." 

Guy: "What the hell is taupe? And those stupid Jane Seymour necklaces don't look anything like hearts. They look like swans."

Guys, don't stress yourself over gathering clues. Our brains aren't made they way. We're hunters. Ladies, if you want something just say it and we will go hunt it down. Yeah, I know, not a great final punchline, but c'mon, I worked in shower massages, pet psychics and Jane Seymour here, that's gotta be enough. 

If you enjoy my nonsense and want to make Christmas better for everyone, click the Facebook button below to share The Phil Factor. You can now also get The Phil Factor for only 99 cents a month on your Amazon Kindle and you can find my novel White Picket Prisons on Amazon by clicking the link at the very top of this page.

 

Give Yourself the Gift of Reading!

Taking some time off over the holidays? Maybe getting a chance to curl up with a good book? If you enjoy The Phil Factor and you like a light, beach read type of humorous murder mystery try my novel White Picket Prisons!

It's only $3.99 on Amazon and in the iTunes bookstore and just $3.43 on Barnes and Noble!

The Gift that Keeps on Giving!

Re-runs! If you enjoyed it once why not enjoy it again? For the holiday season I'm going to re-release a previous Phil Factor on Wednesdays and then post new one every Saturday. This particular re-run seemed appropriate for the holidays. If you didn't read it before, it's new to you!

 

Well? How did you do? Did you get the right gift for your loved one for Christmas or Hannukah? Or did you cause irreparable damage to the relationship? Most holiday gifting comes with the same angst of "Did I pick the right gift? Did my gift say too much? Or too little?" When I become President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I'm going to pass a law. 

The law will state that the correct gift is always...drumroll please...the gift card. I am in love with gift cards. I love them so much that for Christmas I want to buy a gift cards for gift cards to show them how much I love them. I would sleep with gift cards on the first date. In the checkout line it's all I can do to restrain myself from buying gift cards for myself. I know I could buy the same stuff for myself with actual money, but isn't having a gift card so much better? It feels like you're getting stuff for free, even if you paid for the gift card. 

I was in a large, big box hardware/lumber store last week and I came across the biggest gift card kiosk/endcap I have ever seen. As I rounded the end of the aisle and my eyes gazed upon the 8th Wonder of the World a great and pure light shone down from above and I heard a chorus of heavenly angels. It might have been a circular saw, but with that Mount Rushmore of gift cards in my sights it sure sounded like angels. It was so big that I'd need to summon an apron wearing lackey to get a ladder if I wanted a gift card from the top row. If that wall of gift cards was a chocolate river then you can call me Augustus Gloop.

I mean seriously, how can you go wrong with gift cards? If you know someone likes something and you buy them a gift card for it, they get exactly what they want. Or who doesn't like going to a restaurant for free? "What is this?!!? A bill for my meal! Pishaw! Take that filthy thing away for I have a gift card!"  That is literally what's going on in my head when I get to use a restaurant gift card. If I could put on a fur-lined red velvet robe and crown while I bellowed that to a waitress I think I could die a happy man. 

To the detractors who would say, "Well giving a gift card shows that you didn't put any thought into it." Really? Even if you got a gift card for their favorite store? Yeah, your idea of buying clothes that are the wrong size is always so much more thoughtful. I love returning things or wearing some ill-fitting, hideous garment just so you can feel good about yourself for choosing such a "thoughtful gift." 

You know what? They even have gift cards for an amount of money. At first I didn't understand this, thinking it was somewhat redundant, but now I understand the genius. A gift card for money is also thoughtful. You can use it like a credit card. It won't bulk up your wallet or cause you to have to do any tedious counting of paper money. A gift card for money won't cause you to receive 98 cents in change that you will then throw into your pocket, a jar or car cup holder never to be used. With a gift card the change stays right on it for you to use next time. The best thing about gift cards for money is that you can use them to buy other gift cards!

You know who has a great gift cards? Amazon and Barnes & Noble. If you get a gift card you can subscribe to The Phil Factor on your Kindle or you can buy yourself or a loved one my new novel White Picket Prisons so that my unique brand of idiocy can delivered to you wirelessly and instantateously no matter where you are. Now that is a gift that keeps on giving. 

 

Fun Ways To Prepare for the Apocalypse Part II

It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine... R.E.M. 1987  Why Michael Stipe said that I don't know. Hopefully he reads my blog and will explain in the comments section below.  I don't feel fine. If the world ends that would kind of suck. I'm having fun.  If the Mayans were right, enjoy my blog while you can. By the time I get around to Part III it might be too late. But, if the world's going to end we might as well have some fun with it. Sure we can all speculate about or last words to loved ones, running up the credit cards and eating cheesecake all month, blah, blah, blah... let's get creative! Here are some ways I'll be preparing for the apocalypse:

1. Send an e-mail to my boss that says, "I quit!" Then five minutes later send another that says "Sorry, that was for my wife." Then send an e-mail to wife saying, "I quit!"  then five minutes later... It's the end of the world, why not screw with people? How long can they possibly hold a grudge?

2. Pajama jeans. Admit it, we all see those commercials and we mock, but secretly we think to ourselves, "That does look comfortable..." Until the end of the world I am going to rock the pajama jeans to work. Every day. With a shirt and tie. I wonder if they make them in stonewashed?

3.  Apply for lots of impressive jobs that begin after Dec. 21. You can lie on your resume and in interviews. It won't matter! If the world doesn't end, I am going to have a kick ass resume next year. 

4. Exclamation points!!! Every sentence that I type or speak until Dec. 21st will end in an exclamation point! If we have limited time left I want everything to be as exciting as possible! Or at least to seem as exciting as possible! I will speak every sentence up tempo and slightly louder than it should be spoken! If you're having an End of The World party this should be the one rule you have!  

5.  Buy the Hostess company! I'll put in a tremendous bid to buy the entire company out of bankruptcy! If the world ends I won't have to pay it off and I'll spend the next two weeks as a national hero! I'll be known as The Man Who Saved the Twinkies!

This is my summary paragraph! You know the 6 degrees of separation theory?!!? By that theory every person on Earth is separated from anyone else by no more that 6 people connections! Let's test that theory with hopefully a really fun result! In the first paragraph I speculated as to why Michael Stipe was fine with the end of the world! If we really are only separated by 6 people connections and if every person that reads this goes back to their Facebook page and hits the "Share" button eventually this will get shared where Michael Stipe will see it and leave the requested comment! Don't just click the Like button below, go back to the post on your FB page and click the Share! We only have two weeks for this to get back to Michael Stipe! Go! 

 

 

The Rules of Childhood

Childhood is full of unwritten rules that for kids, seem to make life more manageable. Adulthood is full of written rules that seem to make life more difficult. “I called it first!”  “No fair. Do-over.”  “Ghost runner.”  “Not it!”  Childhood rules made life so much more enjoyable. No litigation or arguments. The rules were simple, fair, and everyone knew and respected them. Most of us at one time or another yearns for the days of our youth when life seemed simpler. We only had to worry about school, homework, and if our friend had gotten out of their punishment so they could play after school.

Adults often say things like “youth is wasted on the young” and bemoan the fact that children don’t seem to appreciate how good they have it. I believe that children are far wiser than we give them credit for and in some ways, far more wise than we are. I bemoan the fact that too many adults have grown up too completely. The lessons of our childhood would serve us well if only we knew how to apply them later in life. Imagine if we could use the age old rules of childhood in adult situations! For instance, if you find yourself in a meeting at work and the boss says, “I have a very important project with a lot of paperwork and long hours that I need to assign to someone.”  By childhood rules you instinctively yell out, “Not it!” while putting your finger to your nose. Everyone else in turn follows your lead. Boom. Done deal. Problem solved. Because co-worker Bob had a doughnut in his mouth at the wrong moment and couldn’t yell out “Not it!” he gets the job. Or perhaps if you're involved in a multi-car fender bender as soon as Johhny Law shows up, "So what happened here?" Last one to touch their nose and yell "Not it!" gets the ticket.

Or how about "dibs"?  How many situations in adulthood would that come in handy for? What once saved us the last cookie or piece of cake would come in very handy on the dating scene.

Who here wouldn’t want to yell out, “Do over!” and get a free second chance at a situation you’ve screwed up? You’re out on a date, you have a few too many drinks, your lips get loose and you spill some horrific personal information upon your new romantic interest. Why can’t you call the person up the next day and demand a do-over? You get a new date, and a second chance at a making a good impression. Or how about in bed? Who hasn’t wanted a do-over at least once after something you’ve said or done? (Of course this doesn’t apply to me)

Children are blessed with graciously short memories and tons of forgiveness. Why do adults have to be so uptight in this regard?  Adults hold grudges sometimes for the rest of their lives over perceived personal slights. I think little boys handle these situations with a maturity adults can only aspire to achieve. “Eddie told me that you said my bike was a piece of crap.” “Yeah, so what if I did? What are you gonna do about it?” Pow! Bam! Slam! Kerplooie! Fight over and they’re best friends later that afternoon. Nothing brings two people closer than a little fisticuffs.

What about the ghost runner? That wonderful childhood concept to replace an absent player in a game of kickball. Wouldn’t that be a great concept for adulthood? Don’t call in sick when you don’t want to go to work. Send a ghost runner! "I'm  sorry I can't make it boss, but don't worry.  I'll have a ghost runner at my desk today." Rather be out with friends than with your significant other? Send your ghost runner! “Yeah, honey, I’m really sorry I can’t make it to your cousins wedding. I’ve got a ghost runner though!” Or for the ladies how about, “Oh, I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a headache. Why don’t you go have sex with my ghost runner. Again.”

If you enjoy my nonsense and want to call dibs on more Phil fun you can subscribe to The Phil Factor on your Kindle and you can enjoy my humorous murder mystery novel White Picket Prisons available for Kindle, Nook, iPad and just about any other e-reader. As always if you enjoy what you read here please click the Facebook Like or Share buttons.