The Standing Dead

No, this isn't about the Zombie apocalypse show on AMC. It's about airline passengers. Do I really need to capitalize Zombie? Who will be offended if I don't, zombies? When I'm elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, which both happen in November, I'm going to change a lot of things about how the airlines are run.

I had to travel for work this past week. In general I like traveling, but air travel definitely has it's drawbacks. Sometimes those drawbacks are the other passengers. The passengers that particularly frustrate me are those with wildly inaacurate imaginations. These people seem to imagine that as soon as the planes wheels hit the ground that they can leap from the seat, sashay down the aisle and exit the plane to their waiting chariot. It wouldn't be so bad if it were just one passenger who had this little exit fantasy playing in their heads. Unfortunately for the sane passengers, at least half of every planes occupants believe that they will quickly and easily exit the plane. 

What actually occurs is that as soon as the plane touches the ground at least 50 people literally leap to an upright position and the overhead compartments are flung open as they engage in a tug of war with the laws of physics to get their Mini Cooper sized bag out of the tiny overhead compartment that they had compacted it into. Then as gravity takes control they usually hit at least one fellow paasenger when the bag finally pops free and plummets to the aisle. As soon as that bag hits the floor they turn and face forward impatiently. If it was just one idiot standing at the plane door impatiently tapping his foot that would be fine. Unfortunately half the plane seems to do this and then to no one's surprise they stand there for 20 minutes while we taxi and wait for a gate and then for the door to be open That's why I call them The Standing Dead. They are definitely not walking anywhere at this point. If you're a passenger wise enough to sit and wait until this airline zombie apocalypse passes you are stuck with The Standing Deads asses right at face level about a foot from your head for the interminable 20 minutes. Sure, if it's my ass someone has to look at, 20 minutes is perfectly fine, maybe a bit short in fact, but most of these Standing Dead do not appear to have been to a Zumba class recently. 

If you enjoy my nonsense and want to read more you can follow me on Twiiter @ThePhilFactor, follow me on Goodreads.com and you can find my novel White Picket Prisons in the Amazon Kindle bookstore and the iTunes bookstore. The Barnes and Noble Nook bookstore folks are taking their time preparing their system for the onslaught of Phil fans, but it will get there eventually too. 

 

 

And Your Next President Is...

"Don't wanna be an American idiot. One nation controlled by the media. Information nation of hysteria. It's going out to idiot America." -Green Day    Every spring America votes and chooses their next alleged singing superstar. Over 63 million votes are cast. As has been widely reported, that number is more than any President in history has ever received. American Idol is so popular that the Fox network has runs it two nights a week for 4 months and wins the ratings time slot every time.

"Idol," as the fans call it, is talked about in every workplace, reported on in every newspaper, and mentioned on every news program. America feels passionately about their right to choose. There has been nothing since World War II that has united Americans the way that Idol has. Even if you don't watch it, you know it exists and most likely you know the names.  This next statement is supposition on my part, but I defy anyone to find evidence to the contrary: More Americans can name the American Idol judges and Ryan Seacrest than can name the Vice-President. Technology has made Americans lazy. Unless we can see it on a little, glowing screen "it" makes little impact upon our lives. There is a very real possibility that physical newspapers, books, and magazines will be something our grandchildren will only read about on history websites. Equally obsolete is the American electoral system. We've elected the head of our country, the so-called leader of the free world, by the same method for 150 years. My question is, how do we get voters as interested and motivated to participate in our political system like they do in Ameriocan Idol?

The answer is simple. Why not make our Presidential election more modern? Why not choose our President the way we choose our American Idol? Let's make it a t.v. show where voters can call, I.M., or text message our votes as many times as we want as we narrow the field down to two candidates. With our current system Americans have very little say in who the final two Presidential candidates are. I want the choice back! The t.v. show, American President, could have auditions in several cities with a panel of intelligent but entertaining judges weeding out the obvious losers. Sure, we'd have a few William Hungs, Crazy Daves or Taylor Hicks, but after our last few Presidents who's to say we didn't already elect the equivalent? And why the heck not have a talent part of the competition too? Who doesn't want to see Barack perform magic tricks and Mitt juggling?

If politics were more entertaining, more people would be informed and invested in voting. And yes, I am proposing that people get to vote more than once if they want to. Why not? If you care that passionately about your candidate that you'll spend two hours a week text messaging then you deserve more say in the outcome than the lump who sits on their couch eating cheetos and won't lift a finger except to lick that orange stuff off. I can't imagine anything more entertaining and suspenseful than to hear Ryan Seacrest say, "America voted and I'm going to tell you who your next President will be....after the break."

If you enjoy my nonsense feel free to vote by leaving a comment and look for my new novel White Picket Prisons which will be available on Amazon literally any minute now.

I'm Giving Birth!

Well, kind of. My long awaited novel will be soon sent out into the world. Here is a picture of the cover art that I recently approved.

It's kind of a murder mystery with some humor. If anyone is interested I'll let you know when it's available.

When I'm Elected President or Sexiest Man Alive...

When I am elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive the political season is going to change by virtue of the newly enacted Phil Laws. What are the Phil Laws you ask? The Phil Laws are a set of laws that I will unilaterally impose without interference from Congress, the Senate or anyone. That's the first law. These laws will impose common sense upon a broken world by addressing virtually any issue I see fit to correct from doing away with paper check writing to eliminating daylight savings time to having every public bathroom stall the size of the handicapped stalls.I could write pages on the Phil Laws, but today I'm going to address the political campaign season. 1. No more political ads on television: They're not entertaining. They're not factual, and it's not even possible that every candidate is a former serial killer litterbug. No more t.v. commercials. Just get some bumper stickers and set up a website and if we're interested we'll go look at it. 2. No more prime time debates: We're already angry enough at the politicians. Why do they feel the need to further enrage us by disrupting the new episodes of our favorite shows just when the fall season is getting underway. When the Phil Laws take effect all political debates will occur during the evening news. It's what the evening news is going to talk about the day off and day after anyway. 3. No more political parties. One, don't call them parties. These two groups are not even remotely fun. Two, virtually every politician has flipped flopped back and forth between parties in their career so who knows what their beliefs are anyway. No more party affiliations. Tell us what you plan to do when you're elected and if we like your ideas better than the other candidate we'll vote for you. 4. The Presidential Age Limit: Currently the law requires that you be 35 years of age to become President. Why? Do we suddenly become smarter at 35 than we were at 30 or 25? You know what? If I'm in college and I can't get the job I want until I'm 35 years old then I'm going to pick another major. That's why the geniuses behind Angry Birds and Facebook are doing what they do. Are you telling me those silicon valley software tycoons who are millionaires by the time they're 28 aren't smart? Those are the people I want solving the worlds problems for me. The Phil Laws will lower the Presidential age limit to 25 and put a cap on the upper age a President can be. It's a medical fact that our cognition, memory, and reaction time all start decreasing as we age. Why are we electing the people who are more likely to have a decline in their functioning in office? I say top it at 60 years and give them a nice pension. To those that would cry age discrimination I would say that the Presidency is too important to risk on someone who is losing brain cells at an alarming rate AND isn't it already age discrimination to say someone under 35 can't do the job? Thank you very much. You've been a wonderful audience. Drive safely. If you enjoy my nonsense you can subscribe to The Phil Factor on your Amazon Kindle.and look for my new novel White Picket Prisons coming to the Kindle, Nook, and iPad by the end of October.

When I am Elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive...

When I am elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive the political season is going to change by virtue of the newly enacted Phil Laws. What are the Phil Laws you ask? The Phil Laws are a set of laws that I will unilaterally impose without interference from Congress, the Senate or anyone. That's the first law. These laws will impose common sense upon a broken world by addressing virtually any issue I see fit to correct from doing away with paper check writing to eliminating daylight savings time to having every public bathroom stall the size of the handicapped stalls.I could write pages on the Phil Laws, but today I'm going to address the political campaign season.

1. No more political ads on television: They're not entertaining. They're not factual, and it's not even possible that every candidate is a former serial killer litterbug. No more t.v. commercials. Just get some bumper stickers and set up a website and if we're interested we'll go look at it.

2. No more prime time debates: We're already angry enough at the politicians. Why do they feel the need to further enrage us by disrupting the new episodes of our favorite shows just when the fall season is getting underway. When the Phil Laws take effect all political debates will occur during the evening news. It's what the evening news is going to talk about the day off and day after anyway.

3. No more political parties. One, don't call them parties. These two groups are not even remotely fun. Two, virtually every politician has flipped flopped back and forth between parties in their career so who knows what their beliefs are anyway. No more party affiliations. Tell us what you plan to do when you're elected and if we like your ideas better than the other candidate we'll vote for you.

4. The Presidential Age Limit: Currently the law requires that you be 35 years of age to become President. Why? Do we suddenly become smarter at 35 than we were at 30 or 25? You know what? If I'm in college and I can't get the job I want until I'm 35 years old then I'm going to pick another major. That's why the geniuses behind Angry Birds and Facebook are doing what they do. Are you telling me those silicon valley software tycoons who are millionaires by the time they're 28 aren't smart? Those are the people I want solving the worlds problems for me. The Phil Laws will lower the Presidential age limit to 25 and put a cap on the upper age a President can be. It's a medical fact that our cognition, memory, and reaction time all start decreasing as we age. Why are we electing the people who are more likely to have a decline in their functioning in office? I say top it at 60 years and give them a nice pension. To those that would cry age discrimination I would say that the Presidency is too important to risk on someone who is losing brain cells at an alarming rate AND isn't it already age discrimination to say someone under 35 can't do the job?

Thank you very much. You've been a wonderful audience. Drive safely. If you enjoy my nonsense you can subscribe to The Phil Factor on your Amazon Kindle.and look for my new novel White Picket Prisons coming to the Kindle, Nook, and iPad by the end of October.