The Mormons Got It Goin' On!

Cue music. Footage of attractive person kayaking, teaching classes, winning Olympic medals, raising a family, and ziplining across the Grand Canyon while wearing a lab coat and holding test tubes. Voice over begins, "Hi, I teach orphans in the Congo and work on a cure for cancer in my spare time. But when I'm not teaching I like to explore Brazil on safari in between training for the Olympic decathalon and winning ballroom dance competitions. I've got a million dollars in the bank and at the end of a long day I go home to my solar powered, eco-friendly home that I built with my bare hands and I spend quality time with my spouse and equally good looking kids who get straight A's in school and are on all the sports teams. My life is better than yours, and I'm a Mormon."  

We've all seen the commercials and damned if it isn't working. Who wouldn't want to sign up for that deal? When can I start? And the evidence is there that the Mormons are smart. Do you see any other religions advertising? I grew up Catholic. What would their advertising slogan be? "Don't feel bad enough yet? Join Catholicism! Where nothing you do is ever good enough and bingo is our only acceptable fun."  How about the Jewish religion? You don't see them advertising. "Welcome to Judaism. We've got bad beards, hats to cover your bald spots and holidays no one understands!" Then there's the Amish. Now there's a religion that needs a better motto than, "Stay away from electricity, zippers and colors of any kind." I can write anything I want about the Amish because I'm pretty sure they're not reading my blog and I can beat any of them in a fight. Again.

See? Other religions just lay about letting people believe the stereotypes. The Mormons went out and did something about their bad press. And they're not done yet. Our next President, if it's not me, could be famous Mormon Mitt Romney. I think at some point in the last ten years Mitt thought to himself, "Hell, if somebody named Barack can get a nomination, why can't I? Mitt isn't that bad of a name. I'm a Mormon dammit! Haven't you seen our commercials?" Yes, I've tried to talk to Mitt about his salty language, but to no avail. And can you imagine how much more popular the Mormons would be if I joined? I could be blogging and Facebooking about all the wild adventures Mittt and I would have. More free advertising for them. Yup,  I'm surprised they're not yet recruiting me personally. I'd better stay home today just in case they come by with an offer. 

The People at the Gym

I belong to a gym. You might not  know it by looking at me, but I do. My gym is part of a big, national chain. I think there must be some sort of law that was passed, undoubtedly by congress, that states that the more popular a gym is, the louder the music has to be. In fact, if you were to notice only the music and people on cell phones you'd think you were out at a club. I'll be damned if I can find someone to give my a beer though. That's why I fill my water bottle with beer before I go.

There are several different categories of people that go to a gym. I think that the smallest number belong to the group of normal people who go to the gym a few times a week just to stay in decent shape. That's the group I'm in. The next group are the what I call "The Bicep Bunch." Just imagine the theme song, "The Bicep Bunch, the Bicep Bunch, that's the way we became the Bicep Bunch!" There would be the t.v. screen full of the little picture squares, except instead of looking at each other and smiling they would all be looking at their flexing biceps and smiling.  The Bicep Bunch has a uniform too. It consists of work boots, denim jeans and a black muscle shirt. They literally walk around the gym in groups of several guys in this identical outfit. I call them the Bicep Bunch because they're only interested in working out their upper body in hopes of impressing women. Not that impressing women is a bad goal. For most of these guys though, their bodies are disproportionate. They spend so much time on their upper body and none on their lower body that they just have little stick-like legs. I imagine in a fight they'd be pretty easy to take out if you just "sweep the leg Daniel" they'd fall on their back and like a turtle be stuck that way with their little legs flailing helplessly in the air until the rest of the Bicep Bunch flipped them over.

Then there are the "Three-weekers." I call them this because they probably won't use their membership for more than three weeks before they realize that exercise is hard work and they give up, never to be seen at the gym again. You can always spot one of the three-weekers because they are so clueless about exercise that they actually accept the complimentary session with the personal trainer so they can learn how to use the equipment.

A group of gym members I hate are the Locker Room Nudists. These are the people who are obviously way too comfortable with their bodies. For God's sake, put on a towel when you walk from the shower back to your locker! And do not, under any circumstances, talk to ME while you are naked. We're not that intimate!

Then, there are the "women" at the gym. Some of them scare me. When women start doing things like wearing weight belts and bench pressing, doing pull-ups, and curls, I get a little scared about getting too close. I want no part of a pre-menstrual woman who has more muscle mass than me. That is not a safe combination.

As is any other place in society these days, the gym is also full of Cell Phone People. I have no freakin' idea how they can even hear anyone on their cell phones over the din of the music. The only exercise these people are getting is exercising their mouths. I'm sure they can't do real exercise because they're so winded from talking. It's always a temptation to drop a big weight on these dopes. Not that I'm carrying big weights, but maybe I could persude one of the Bicep Bunch to do it for me because after taking out their leader Karate Kid style I am now their king.

Where's My Ribbon Magnet?

Every cause, disease, disorder and affliction in existence seems to have a ribbon magnet. There are so many support ribbon magnets that I think they've become de-valued. You can support our troops, schleroderma, autism, and your favorite football team with a ribbon magnet for your car. If you can find a left handed, autistic, football player from West Point who has bad skin  you can probably buy enough magnet ribbons to put a ring of them all the way around your car.  I am in fact thinking of creating a ribbon magnet for people who feel left out because they have no reason to have a ribbon magnet. 

Admittedly I don't have a single ribbon magnet on my car. But I believe that I deserve several ribbon magnets. We all have our crosses to bear. I'm color blind. Where's my ribbon magnet? Do you know how difficult it is to play Uno when you're blue/green colorblind? Don't even get me started on telling the difference between the blue and green highway signs. Of course if there were a ribbon magnet for colorblindness I couldn't buy it because I'd have no freaking idea what color it is. 

Lactose intolerance. Yup, got it. Searched the internet. Not a single ribbon magnet to be found for those of us that can't digest milk. This may possibly be my biggest handicap. For my entire life I have been deprived the joy of  enjoying a Shamorock Shake. And I'm Irish! If not a ribbon magnet, there's got to be a 5k for this. Seriously. And why is it that running 5k cures diseases? Why don't we just have preventive 5k runs. If we all run a few 5k runs every year I think we'd be immunized from all the diseases we need ribbon magnets for. 

Tendonititis. Yup, another affliction I suffer from that lacks a ribbon magnet. Since I turned 30 I can't engage in any strenuous activity without pain in some joint. There's got to be a ribbon magnet for that, or at least some sort of temorary handicapped parking I can get. In fact, irony of all ironies, the tendonitis prevents me from running the 5k that would cure my tendonitis. Will you run one for me? Actually, while you're at it, could you run 6 or 7k. I think that would cure it faster than a measly 5k. And make sure you wear a t-shirt that says  "In Memory of Phil's Ankles." Make sure the t-shirt is half blue and half green, just to cover all our bases.

Vote Phil For President

That's right. I'm running for President and I need your help. Common sense will be our battle cry and the internet will be our weapon. Join me and together we can make the world a place where men and women everywhere are safe  from being e-mailed, Facebooked, or Twittered naked or semi-naked pictures of our public servants.

I live in the state of New York. Over the past 5 years our state Attorney General spent thousands of taxpayer dollars on a call girl, a state assemblyman left his job after a scandal where he admitted to "tickling" one of his staffers, then earlier this year Congressman Chris Lee resigned after having sent a shirtless photo to a woman from Craigslist. Following that, the aptly named Rep. Anthony Weiner recently admitted to sending inappropriate pictures and messages to college students. Here is my simple platform for public office: I won't do stupid stuff like that. I'll just show up for work every day and vote on stuff and not embarrass the people who support me and pay my salary with their taxes. 

You may be saying to yourself, "But Phil," which is an odd thing to say to yourself, 'how can I help you become President of the free world?" Lighten up Francis, I don't want to be President of the free world.   I just want to be President of Common Sense. Here's how you can help elect a normal human being to public office. 1. Keep reading my blog posts. 2. When you go back to your Facebook page click the "Share" button under the status update where you find this. That's right, you , me, and the awesome power of the interwebs will bring common sense back to government. I plan to campaign solely using the internet. Blogging, Facebook, Twitter, Youtube and any other method that doesn't require me or you to leave our couch. I will debate my opponents by Skype if necessary, but I will not, I repeat, NOT send any of you any pictures of me in any state of undress. I will not spend taxpayer dollars to pay for any illicit recreational pursuits, and I will not "tickle" anyone. Have you heard any other candidates make these promises? Bueller? Bueller?... Romney?Palin? Obama? Nope. Not a one has promised not to send you naked pictures, except me. 

If you want a President that stands for common sense and well... a Weiner free Facebook, click "Retweet",  'Share', and Like  knowing with confidence that you and your friends are one click closer to government that makes sense.