The Top Seven Reasons To Hate Oprah

I wanted to come up with ten reasons, but Oprah has already wasted too much of the internets' bandwidth so I cut it down to just seven. They say it's bad to speak ill of the dead. Oprah's show is gone but she's not dead yet, so let's have at her like she's a candy filled pinata. Actually, chances are she probably is candy filled. If you love to hate, read on...

1.  Her head is so large that it effects the tides. I'm also pretty sure it caused the weather pattern that has spawned all the recent tornado's. 

2.  She brought two guys on her show who are raising money to prevent Ugandan children from being abducted and forced to be soldiers (www.invisiblechildren.com). What a wonderful gesture right? Allowing these guys a platform to raise awareness of this issue is certainly admirable right? Last season she took her entire studio audience to Australia. Let's see...if you're a suburban housewife from Sheboygan, Wisconsin whose biggest worry is whether or not the Walmart flyer is missing from your Sunday paper, you get an all expenses paid, three week trip to Australia. If you're a homeless, Ugandan child forced into wartime slavery you get a 10 minute segment and a plug for the website. Nice. I just plugged the website above and when I saw the Invisible Children guys at a concert I gave them $2.20. Oprah can personally afford to build homes, hospitals and schools for all the children in Uganda. But did she? Where's their trip to Australia Oprah?

3.  Gail and Stedman. There it is. Still there. In my head. I didn't even have to look those names up. I never asked to have that information in my head. It's taking up valuable space. Space that, were it functioning and not wasted on Gail and Stedman, might have helped me to win a Pulizter Prize by now. Where's my Pulizter Prize Oprah?

4. It's always about Oprah. As of Dec. 2009 the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation was worth 33.5 billion dollars. Money that was used globally to enhance healthcare, reduce poverty, and expand educational access for the underprivileged. The Foundation currently donates approximately 17% of the world budget for the attempted eradication of polio. Did any of us know that? No, of course not. Bill Gates just goes about his business helping people because it's the right thing to do. If Oprah gives away a new Yugo we get a week of ads before the hour long show about it. Oprah is all about Oprah. She does good but wants to be sure you know she did good. 

5. Harpo. My name spelled backwards is Lihp. Who cares? Guess what Oprah, we can all spell our names backwards. Maybe I'll put mine on my license plate. How would you like that Oprah? Or would you rather have a show where you give me a license plate with my name spelled backwards so we can all clap for you? 

6.  Oprah is not following me on Twitter @ThePhilFactor

7.  She's not really gone. Her current show may be done, but do any of us really believe that she'll fade quietly into retirement? No, there will be more shows, movies about her life, and appearances on The View (of course anything that takes airtime away from Joy Behar can't be half bad right?). No, there was no reason for that two day good bye to Oprah that was filmed at the United Center in Chicago. Like the results of Arnold Schwarzeneggers past affairs, she'll be back. And Oprah, me and my blog will be your Sarah Connor, so you best tread lightly...

If you have reasons to hate Oprah that you'd like to add, feel free to add them in the comments section, or if you just want to spell your name backwards, have at it.

It's The End of the World As We Know It...

and I feel fine. Just in case the world really is ending, please read this. I love to see the page views numbers go up and I want to die happy.

According to Robin Harp, who was interviewed by the Southern Chester County Weekly, "We’re in our final days,” Harp said in an interview near his RV parked at a deserted service station off Route 1 just outside Kennett Square. “There is absolutely no possibility that this won’t happen. There is no question mark."  Oh, well, if Robin Harp says it, it must be true. He is after all parked at an abandoned gas station holding a cardboard sign. Why wouldn't we believe him? Actually, I think God speaking through a guy standing by the freeway with an RV and a cardboard sign is a sign of the apocalypse. If God really wanted us to know something I'm pretty sure we'd get a text about it. The article goes on to say that Harp is one of "thousands" of "messengers" worldwide who are predicting the apocalypse to begin this Saturday. Hmmm....I wonder if I should hold off on mowing my lawn... 

The prediction of the world ending comes from a loosely organized Christian group. Apparently the Christians didn't check their Mayan calendar which apparently has set aside a date in November 2012 for the end of the world. Nor did they speak with Michael Stipe of R.E.M. who predicted the end of the world in 1987. If Lenny Bruce is not afraid, neither am I.

For those of you skeptics who are reading this via the link on my Facebook page you can go right back to Facebook to join the page titled "Post Rapture Looting" which offers this invitation, "When everyone is gone and god's not looking, we need to pick up some sweet stereo equipment and maybe some new furniture for the mansion we're going to squat in." By Wednesday afternoon more than 175,000 indicated that they would be "attending" this "public event." 

In the news yesterday a current day Mayan leader said, "Dude, seriously, I am so sick of hearing about this. If the world does end, don't try and pin it on us. Damn, did you ever think that maybe the guy making the calendar just died, got laid off, or was fired for stealing office supplies?" I may be paraphrasing a bit, but that was generally the gist of what he said. He also pointed out that in some other carved-in-stone tablets another Mayan referenced the year 4077. He didn't reference a specific day, but I'll be pretty damn mad if the world ends right before my birthday again. My cell phone, pda, and computer all have calendar functions and all of their calendars go past Dec. 21, 2012 so there's all the proof you need that the world is not going to end in 3 years. In fact, I have written a post and dated it to be released to my blog for Dec. 22, 2012. Suck on that you Mayan calendar nutjobs. 

The Phil Laws

With the next Presidential election less than two years away and the next People magazine Sexiest Man Alive coronation mere months away, I hereby announce my candidacy for both with my current list of The Phil Laws which I will unilaterally impose upon my election to either post. 

1. No more Leap Year extra day. Make all months exactly the same length.

2. No more Daylight Savings Time. 

3. The elderly will only be allowed to drive motor vehicles or use supermarkets during certain hours of the day.

4. It should be perfectly legal to fire off a warning shot at any driver who slows his or her vehicle to gawk at an accident.  

5. You may not use rhetorical questions in a public setting unless you have been tested and deemed competent to do so. If you use or respond to a rhetorical question improperly any willing observer has the right to punch you in the forehead.

6. The pope should wear a baseball hat backwards instead of that giant dunce cap he always has on.

7. A 1-year ban on Lindsay Lohan “news.”

8. You cannot use a cell phone if you are in your own office building. Walk down the freakin’ hall and pick up your desk phone you moron.

9. It will be perfectly legal to punch a cell phone user in the mouth if they annoy you by walking around gesturing wildly and talking aloud to no one while wearing a cell headset.

10. Pregnant women should not tell their male co-workers how dilated they are.

11. Supreme Court Justices will wear jeans, sneakers, and t-shirts. No more robes. That’s just stupid. The dress code is the reason I’ve never become a Supreme Court Justice.

12. Congress will no longer be able to waste their time and our taxpayer dollars investigating cheating in sports or making laws about what men can and can’t do in an effort to meet women.

13. Hurricane names must be something scary, not just a normal name. Who’s going to flee something like Hurricane Ed? I believe that far less people would have perished if Hurricane Katrina had been named Hurricane Deathtron. You flee a storm named Deathtron. No one was scared by Katrina.

14. Anything you can play while sitting at a table or drinking alcohol is not a sport. (poker, bowling, golf) Also, if the winner is subjectively chosen by a panel of judges, it is not a sport. All the aforementioned activities have no place on television.

15. The only place you can be nude in your local gym locker room is in the shower. The rest of the time, wear a towel.

16. Funerals should include drinking and entertainment.

17. Schools need to request parental permission before exposing your child to a mime.

18. No putting bible verses on Halloween candy.

19. A ten-year ban on reality shows.

20. All public bathroom stalls will be as big as the handicapped stalls

21. No saying “See you next year” on Dec. 31st.

22. No more writing paper checks. Get yourself a debit card and stop holding up the lines at the supermarket.

23. The word ‘whatnot’ shall be struck from the English language.

24. Future Presidential elections will be done American Idol style.

 

There it is. If you read it all then you definitely qualify as my new best friend and possible future Vice-President.

Help Wanted: Music Conductor

Help Wanted: Music Conductor Why don't I ever see that title in my CareerBuilder e-mails?  That's a job I would apply for. I was at my son's college guitar ensemble recital the other night and there was an actual conductor. A stick holding, arm waving, page turning conductor. That is a job I think I could really throw myself into.

I don't have any relevant experience, but really, do you need any relevant experience? Maybe I spoke too soon. Actually, on second thought, I think do I have relevant experience! Let's see....what is the job description? 1) Wearing a tuxedo. Check. In fact, I was so advanced I did that part of the job in high school at a couple proms and looked damn good doing it. I still believe that it's one of my better skills. I wonder if music conductors actually show up for the job interview in a tux...God I hope so.  2) Wave my arms in time to music. Check. See high school/prom. Thank God the conductor doesn't have to move his feet in time to music. I'm still working on that skill. See high school/prom, and every wedding reception I've attended since then. And yes, since the link to this will post on Facebook, I believe I will have countless witnesses to act as references on this part. 3) Turn pages. Hmmm....I was a little delayed in developing that skill since I didn't crack open a book in high school, but in college I mastered page turning moderately well. 4) Be ignored by peers while doing all of the above.  Check, see high school/prom. 

I actually believe that the 4th qualification is the most crucial. Have you ever really watched an orchestra and their conductor at the same time? The conductor is waving his arms furiously, gesturing, turning pages of music, rising and falling as if he is controlling the tempo. Then you look at the musicians and not a single one of them is looking up at him or her for the cue. Of course not! They're professional musicians who have been playing their instrument their entire lives. They can play a freakin' song on their own without some penguin suit nimrod waving a chop stick at them! (And yes, after reading this, at least one of you will be at some recital in the near future and will remember the phrase "penguin suit nimrod" and you'll chuckle to yourself. You're welcome.) No one actually needs the conductor! He or she is like the mascot at a sporting event. They act like they're part of the action, but really they're just an unskilled buffoon in a suit jumping around. If a conductor was actually any good, wouldn't they be playing the music instead of waving their arms at it like a tinfoil hat loon barking at the cosmos? 

So yes, I am currently updating my CareerBuilder profile to include Music Conductor in the search engine. And while I am at it, I'm going to add conductor of all types. Really? Do we need a guy driving a train? They're on rails. No one needs to drive! And Thomas is talking, thinking train, he definitely has no need for a smart ass conductor. But if the job is open, I call dibs! I'll see you at the interview in my tux.