Lost in the Supermarket

"I'm all lost in the supermarket

I can no longer shop happily

I came in here for that special offer

A guaranteed personality"

 

We all have our home supermarket. Where I live there's a very popular and very prevalent supermarket chain. Often in the course of my job I end up stopping at other supermarkets in the same chain when I need to grab lunch for myself or just to run an errand. Each supermarket is another in the same supermarket chain as my last one. It looks just like my old supermarket with the same big, reassuring sign on the front that tells me I'll find everything I need within. The employees are dressed the same. The shopping carts look the same. The same shelves of newspapers and free periodicals are available in the entrance. Despite all these comforting signs that say everything will be all right, once I get inside it's as if I'm Alice in Wonderland and I've fallen down the rabbit's hole. NOTHING IS WHERE IT SHOULD BE!!!!!! It's like I was blindfolded in my old supermarket, spun around 10 times and then the blindfold was removed. Everything looks almost the same, but I'm completely disoriented. I stumble around as if drunk, bumping into shelves and shoppers that aren't where I expect them to be. The aisles are all still there, but they have different stuff in them! My shopping takes twice as long because this store is set up ALL WRONG!!!  Based on my disorientation alone it might be worth it for me to drive the extra 10 minutes to my old supermarket where I can find everything twice as fast. This is another thing I will change when I'm elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first. All supermarkets of the same chain must be set up exactly the same.

As if supermarkets being different weren't a big enough problem, they all seem to be populated by shoppers who are mentally deficient. For everyone out there, please note that you should drive your shopping cart the way you drive your car. In the U.S.A., please stay to the right as you move forward. (Read the next two lines with an unbelievably sarcastic tone and a bit of a shout please) If everyone goes the same way two carts wide no one can go the other direction! And if someone comes from the other direction, don't just stand there stupidly looking at each other waiting for one of you to back up 3 feet!  Another type of shopper I hate is "the contemplative shopper". These brain boxes pull up in front of a section of items and then stand there pondering what must be a life changing choice based on the amount of time it takes them. They become human cholesterol blocking the vital artery of carts attempting to flow.  As bad as the contemplative shopper is the people who still write paper checks at the checkout. As the cashier announces the total they are suddenly surprised that they have to pay. It is at this moment that they finally take out their checkbook and begin to fill out a check and then meticulously log it in their check register. At this point it's also a good thing that guns are not sold as "impulse items" on the rack at the checkout. If I was to ever have the impulse to shoot someone that would be the time. I also believe it would be justifiable in a court of law. 

As an aside, if you can get the musical reference I used in the intro without looking it up, you win 5000 Phil Points which can be redeemed at the gift shop for a t-shirt and you also become my new best friend.

I'm Not a Doctor but I Play One Online....

Former rockstar and current reality t.v. personality(?) Bret Michaels is suing the Tony Awards claiming that the producers did not instruct him how to leave the stage safely after his 2009 performance resulting in him being "smacked" (a complicated legal term meaning 'hit by') in the face by a piece of the set, resulting in a broken nose and cut lip.  Six months after his appearance Michaels suffered a subarachnoid brain hemorrhage which the former Poison frontman claims is related to his head trauma at the Tony Awards. 

Yeah Bret, it was bumping your head on a door that caused a hemorrhage.  I'm not a doctor but I play one online and I think there may be a fair chance that 30 years of heroin and alcohol may have had something to do with it. Or maybe you watched your Tony's performance. I watched it and I'm thinking of suing you because of the traumatic brain injury your horrible performance caused me. Those are 5 minutes of my life I wish I had back. Or perhaps you went a few weeks without any completely useless publicity and your brain just imploded. Michaels lawyer claims that, "Through his sheer will to live, to see his children grow up, he was able to survive this trauma." Oh my god, he has children? That can't be good. And yeah, it was his sheer will to live that resulted in his survival, not the team of highly educated physicians at the hospital who save lives every day. When Bret does something right, like continue to live, he takes full credit for it. When he does something stupid, like hit his head he's all blame and lawyered up. 

Hey Bret, what about 15 years ago when you got all drugged up and ran your Ferrari into a telephone pole and nearly died? Was that the Ferrari companies fault because they didn't tell you not to do that? What about your mini-stroke last year, or the hole in your heart? Whose fault are those?   Why aren't your lawyers filing lawsuits against cocaine? I hear Bret has Type I diabetes. I'm sure the lawsuit against sugar will be filed any day now.