Honestly, the word Dictator in the title could easily be replaced with "Butt" and I doubt few would argue, although Muammar might have me shot. News broke this week that a Brazilian cosmetic surgeon admitted that in 1995 he performed liposuction on the then 53 year old Muammar Qaddafi and then injected the fat into Qaddafi's face to remove wrinkles. He also reported that he had given the Libyan dictator hairplugs as well because at the time Qaddafi was concerned that "the young people of his nation would see him as an old man."
Muammar, Muammar, Muammar, I am ashamed to think of you as a dictator. This insecurity is not becoming of a man of your station. Why when I was a young boy dictators didn't give a hoot what their constituents thought of them. You should be embarrassed Muammar. You're a dictator! Act like one! You're not a reality show contestant. You're a dictator! You make the rules. Nobody votes you off the island. And if they try to, just have them shot. You think Fidel Castro cares what people think. He might even be dead. We don't know and neither do the Cubans. If he wanted us to know he'd tell us. You're a freaking DICTATOR ! There is no election coming up. Who cares how old anyone thinks you are? Who cares what the young people think?
And dude, seriously, you have to call that surgeon up and demand your money back, or take his family hostage or something. His work did not hold up. Your head looks like a prune. And those hair plugs? Really? Chicks totally know when you've had it done. And not a single gray hair? Really? 69 years old and you're still rockin' the Just For Men? At least let a few gray hairs mix in there. You are totally missing the boat on all the bad girls with Daddy issues. Or, just shave the whole damn thing and tell them you'd grow it out if you wanted to. And that turban? Really?!!? What is it with you dicatators and hats? It's like 106 degrees in the winter in Libya. At least go with a visor. That turban must make your head sweat like a sonofabitch. It's like you have the same P.R. team as Charlie Sheen. No wonder we're bombing the hell out of your tiny country.
We've all heard the commercials. "Hello. This is Dave from Onstar. How can I help you?" Caller responds tearfully, "My six month old baby is locked in my car with a rabid pit bull and I can't find my extra set of keys." While Onstar is a wonderful service I'm sure there are people who abuse the service.
Ring, ring! "Hello. This is Dave from Onstar. How can I help you?"
Caller: "Dude! I can't believe this. I went out with my friends and man we had, like, I dunno, 20 shots of this incredible blue stuff. Dude, you gotta try this stuff. It's awesome. Anyway, the parking lot is like, ginormous, and now I can't find my car. It's red. Can you see it from there?"
Onstar Dave: (With biting sarcasm) "No sir. I cannot see your car.
Caller: C'mon Dave. Dude, you've got, like, a satellite right? Why can't you see my car? Can you at least make the horn honk or the lights flash so I can find it?"
Onstar Dave:(Smirking) "Oh, sure sir. This may take a few minutes. Just wait, and the next time you hear a car horn, walk towards it. Have a nice night."
Ring, ring! "Hello. This is Dave from Onstar. How can I help you?"
Female caller: "I'm calling about my boyfriends car."
Onstar Dave: "What's wrong ma'am? Has he been in an accident?"
Female caller: "An accident? I wish! That son of a bitch slept with my sister when I was gone for the weekend! Could you use your satellite to, like, blow up his car with a giant laser or something?"
Ring, ring! "Hello. This is Dave from Onstar. How can I help you?"
Caller: "Yeah. You've got to help me. This is an emergency."
Onstar Dave: "Slow down. Talk slowly so I can get all the information I need."
Caller: "Ok, I was stuck in traffic on I-90 when I look over at this little, red, Pontiac Sunbird next to me and this chick was totally hot and she smiled at me. Just as I was about to get out of my car and go over to get her phone number, traffic started moving again and I missed her. Her license plate number is 975-AIG. Could you call her up and give her my phone number?"
Onstar Dave: "(Heavy sigh) Ok, hold on a sec. There, that should do it. About a half mile ahead you should find her pulled over on the shoulder with her car inexplicably stalled. Keep me on the line and when you get under the hood just press your star key and I'll start her back up."
Caller: "Onstar Dave, you rock!"
Onstar Dave: "Yes I do."
I don't know if other countries do this, and I know that all of the states in the U.S. don't abide by it. Daylight Savings time is when we move our clocks forward an hour in the spring and move them back an hour in the fall. I think it was created about 100 years ago to give farmers more daylight in which to do their work in the fields. Call me crazy, but why the hell didn't someone just suggest that the lazy ass farmers drag themselves out of a bed a little earlier each day? Because those cud chewing, overall wearing, udder jerking lay abouts can't be bothered to set their alarm clocks we are all stuck changing time. I don't know if anyone else noticed, but 5 years ago the U.S. Congress, in another colossal waste of their time and our tax dollars, extended daylight savings time by a few weeks on either end. First off, why isn't it called daylight spending time since we are using more daylight in the summer months? Secondly, at this point the farmers (except the creepy Amish ones) all have electricity and alarm clocks, which may not have been the case 100 years ago. Reportedly the reason Congress is doing this is to save energy. How will changing our clocks twice a year save energy? Don't we set our thermostats and use heat based on the outdoor temperature, not how light out it is? I'd like to save the energy I expend changing my damn clocks! I'd like Congress to tell me when I get that back. Congress is again proving to be the biggest collection of morons outside of...well...I guess I can't think of a bigger collection. Why doesn't Congress set their alarm clocks an hour earlier so they can get up early and get more of this important work done? I for one am not going to go for this stupid daylight savings time thing anymore. I don't work at a farm or for Congress, so I told my boss that for 6 months I'll be to work an hour early or late, however it works out.
When I'm elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, this is going to change.
Charlie Sheen. There I said it. Then again, who hasn't uttered the words "Charlie Sheen" over the past two weeks? He says he's "winning" while the rest of the world seems to think he's losing it. What exactly is it that he's losing? Ok, he may lose 2 1/2 Men, but frankly that isn't much of a loss for anyone except Ducky and the homely teenage actor who both likely won't find too many employment offers that don't include a nametag and paper hat. Instead of canceling the show the producers are idiots not to incorporate Wild Thing's latest trials and tribulations into the plot. This past week's re-run was the highest rated show on Monday night. Idiots were watching as if Charlie Sheen was going to do something nutty. Why not have his character go on a bender? Don't even script it. Just buy Charlie some drugs and follow him with cameras. Make it a reality show. CBS thought the scripted show had good ratings? They could cancel all other programming and just follow Charlie 24/7 live. We'd be afraid to look away for fear that we'd miss something.
Everyone also seems to think Charlie has gone crazy. As the old saying goes, I think he's crazy like a fox. Which is the network most likely to air his reality show. Are you kidding? There isn't an actor or actress in the world who isn't jealous of the 24/7 publicity Sheen is getting. Sirius satellite radio has temporarily set up a Charlie Sheen channel, Tiger Blood radio. He has more Twitter followers than any human being on the planet, and he got them all this week. I have four. (If I go on a binge and post the word "winning" on Facebook every day will you follow me?) Sheen's agent is probably overwhelmed with offers for tv and movies right now. Imagine the redemption story! "Charlie Sheen back from the brink!" I think he knows exactly what he's doing and he's brilliant. If he's high on the drug "Charlie Sheen", I gotta get me some of that.
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