We're All Gonna Die

“We’re all gonna die!” It seemed very funny to shout that out during a fire drill my freshman year of high school. It was still funny to my friend and I after we realized our only consequence would be a stern talking to by the principal. Yes, when confronted I dragged my friend into it. “He dared me to,” I said. What had really happened was that in the midst of 2000 students being evacuated from our high school I had turned to my friend John Martin and said, “Do you dare me to yell ‘We’re all gonna die’?” Of course John took me up on my offer and unwittingly became my accomplice when I caught heat from the man. At the time I was young and foolish with no concept of my own mortality. I thought death was something to be laughed at. I no longer think death is funny.

I generally still do not believe in my own mortality, but I’m starting to hedge my bets in this regard. Just because it happens to other people doesn’t mean it will happen to me. As my mother always said, “If your friend jumped off a bridge does that mean you have to also?” Much to my mother’s eternal satisfaction I am answering NO. If you want to die, go ahead and do it, but I refuse to be a follower.

My problem is that earlier this week scientists with a telescope larger than a third world country observed a black hole destroying a star in another galaxy. The way it was described in the article was that the star, which is of course a much larger object than our Earth, was essentially snorfled up by the black hole the way you and I would snorfle a glob of jello off the spoon, or plate if you’re in the mood. I may not believe that I am going to die, but I’m not completely unrealistic. Let’s just say that a black hole eats our sun first, then I imagine it would suck up the planets all in a row like we would inhale mini M&M’s through a straw. (For my wonderful Canadian readers M&M’s = Smarties) If a black hole were to pop up right next to Earth and snorfle my planet then what becomes of me?

Who I’m really angry at is the scientists. Damn them and their ever inquisitive minds! Why did they have to tell me this? Did anyone here really want to know that getting eaten by a black hole is a possibility? In this case ignorance was bliss. Why couldn’t the scientists just leave well enough alone? My entire life I’ve been at the top of the food chain and that has been a pretty secure feeling. Now this. Now I have to spend the rest of my life staring up at the night sky looking for black holes and asteroids. Yes, I worry a little about asteroids too. In general I figure that if a really big one hit the Earth I’d be fine as long as it didn’t hit me directly in the head.

Maybe all this is why the scientists developed the male birth control pill. They just figured that if “we’re all gonna die” then we might as well start gettin’ jiggy with it. Yes, that’s right, I said jiggy. In fact, that’s probably the new science geek pick up line. “Hey baby, you know we might get eaten by a black hole any minute, so why don’t you just go ahead and sleep with me?” Obviously I'm cool enough to say jiggy, but the scientists aren't.

The Culture of Narcissism

Almost 40 years ago the avant garde artist Andy Warhol stated that, "In the future everyone will be famous for 15 minutes." Dude was seriously spot on wasn't he? Between Youtube and reality t.v. shows an obnoxious personality is a ticket to fame and a b-list career for just about anyone. Now with blogging, Facebook, Myspace, and Twitter virtually anytone has a potential worldwide audience for their every fleeting thought. As a blogger I certainly have no problem with this as I've certainly expressed my share of pointless thoughts here. I admit I love the feedback, the comments. With a worldwide audience we can all find someone who agrees with us regardless of how baseless our opinions may be. We are but a herd of sycophants in a big ego orgy. That's all fine. We are all willing particpants and recipients and it makes us all feel good. With a few creative ideas and a little regular blogging we all feel like a celebrity with our fans and followers. What I don't get is when the real celebrities try to horn in on our two-bit ego trip. On both a Facebook page and on Twitter I have two different somewhat b-list type celebs among my friend lists. These two people must update their status every two hours! As if they would die of suffocation if I didn't know their every stray thought or dental appointment! What is wrong with these people that they need this constant validation? They already have some semblance of fame. Isn't that enough? The internet theoretically is a finite space and they think their every thought is important enough to waste electricity, megabytes and whatever other units of measure apply. I propose a new Phil law. When I am elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, there will be a separate internet so the famous people can tell each other how great they are without wasting the bandwidth of the real internet that the rest of us are using.

Seeking SWF

Wanted: Single white female. I'm a charming, handsome man appearing to be in my early twenties. I love nights out on the town with my favorite gal, but also prefer the solitude of somewhere quiet to spend some quality one on one time. Like most men I'm flawed, but I make up for that with my passion and taste for life. I'm a hopeless romantic and I promise that with me you will soar to places you previously thought were impossible. I also might kill you at any moment in a fit of tempestuous rage or passion. I've killed all my previous girlfriends, but trust me, you're special. But please overlook that, nobody's perfect right?

Sincerely, Edward

Would any woman really respond to this ad if it were real? Why are so many woman just nuts over Twilight? I'm pretty damn sure that if I had a girlfriend and I found out she was a serial killer that had murdered all of her previous boyfriends that I might find some way to end the relationship: "Really, it's not you, it's me. As tempting as it is to risk death every day, I just have too much on my plate right now and a lot of baggage from my previous relationship. It wouldn't be fair to you. Feel free to look me up on Myspace or Facebook though." And you can bet your ass I'd send that by text message. You know with a vampire you couldn't really fake your own death to get out of it because they'd only find that to be a big turn on. I suppose this is just another case where chicks totally dig the bad boy.