I'm on a Mexican Radio...!

I'm not really on a Mexican radio. That was just the first musical reference that came to mind on the subject of radio. As a function of my job I drive from place to place quite a bit. I have satellite radio which I enjoy very much. I enjoy both music and sports talk radio. Part of the reason I pay for satellite radio in my car is because I absolutely DESPISE radio commercials. You get an idea of how much I despise radio commercials by the fact that I took the time to italicize and bold the word. On the music stations there are no commercials and I love it. Unfortunaly the sports talk radio is syndicated and thus has commercials. Unfortunately it only seems to have three commercials which seem to be played back to back to back every break. The first is for ...ahem..."male enhancement." Every single commercial on this subject is almost identical. The one I heard yesterday had a supposed "man on the street" type interview format where apparently random women on the street were shown before and after pictures of the anatomy of men who had used this product. Women responded with superlatives and requests for the phone number of the photo subjects. How many of you would respond like that? If they really were able to get a few women to give those 'sincere' responses it must have taken hundreds of attempts to make the commercial. I want to hear the outtakes of the times the interviewer was maced, arrested or kicked in the groin. That would be good radio. The second type of commercial is the predictable "you can buy cheap viagra over the internet..." The third type is the one that just makes me change the station immediately. It starts "Hey guys! Did you know that at any time you may have 5 to 25 pounds of waste lining your colon walls like spackle or paste?" Not only didn't I know that, I didn't want to, and now it's too late. I can't get that phase out of my head: "5-25 pounds" and "spackle or paste." I could lose my lunch just hearing that. I'm not going to mention the company here because I'm hoping they will go out of business and take their commercials with them.

And if anyone can name the band that sang the song this post is titled after WITHOUT looking it up you win 10 Phil bucks good for use at the Phil Factor giftshop.

The Present Tense

In the past I've used this space to point out the differences between men and women. How we communicate, what's important to us, and the inequities of societal grooming expectations are all ways men and women differ. Another great divide between the sexes is our views on presents. Anniversaries, birthdays, Valentine's Day, and Christmas all can make or break a relationship from a woman's perspective. Before everyone paints me as a misogynist for that last statement, let's look at two examples:

Example 1:
Guy: “Happy Anniversary honey! Here's a card, a dozen roses, and I've taken out a second mortgage so I can fly you to Paris for a candlelight dinner on top of the Eiffel Tower!”
Woman: “You are so sweet! With all my work this week I didn't have time to get you a present. I'm sorry. How about if I make it up to you (wink, wink) back at the hotel after dinner?” (sly smile)
Guy: “YAHTZEE!” (fist pump)

Example 2:
Woman: “Happy Anniversary honey! Here's a card and a present!”
Guy: “An Ipod! Thanks baby, this is great! With all my work this week I didn't have time to get you a present. I'm sorry. How about if I make it up to you (wink, wink) in the bedroom tonight?” (sly smile)
Woman: “You forgot! How could you be so thoughtless?!!? You can sleep on the couch tonight! (storms out, door slams)

Sometimes even the presents themselves can mean different things to men and women. Here are some examples of presents men might give, how we mean them, and what they mean to women.

1. A romantic card with breakfast in bed, flowers sent to your work, and a nice dinner out.
What men are trying to say: "Will you sleep with me?"
What women think: "He's a sweet, thoughtful guy."

2. A safety kit for your car with road flares, tools, and a shovel.
What men are trying to say: "I love you and I want you to be safe."
What women think: "What a thoughtless, un-romantic oaf."

3. Lingerie
What men are trying to say: "I think you are a beautiful, sexy woman."
What women think: "That selfish bastard is thinking with his little head instead of his big head."

4. Any kind of home appliance
What men are trying to say: "I've noticed how hard you work. I want to make your life easier."
What women think: "If this isn't grounds for justifiable homicide, I don't know what is!"

THIS IS NOT GOOD

Apparently I have just figured out how to blog from my cell phone. It is not good for two specific reasons. 1) If you have followed my blog for any amount of time you are well aware of my ongoing rant against "cell phone people." I now am apparently becoming a member of their cult as I have also learned to Facebook from my phone as well. More evidence that my brain has turned to mush is the fact that I am using words like 'blog' and 'Facebook' as verbs. 2) This is also a bad development because no matter where I am or what I am doing I know have the ability to post my thoughts immediately, uncensored here online almost as soon as I have them. That will at some point in the future probably result in my involuntary commitment to an institution.