Phil-Harmony.com

We've all heard and seen the ads for e-harmony.com, the internet site that allows you to meet your perfect match after you fill out a questionnaire that rates you on 29 personality variables. What?!!? I'm a guy. I'm pretty sure I don't even have 29 personality variables! I have maybe 4 tops. Now for women, I don't think 29 personality variables is enough. In fact most women seem to have more than 29 complete personalities. The old crackpot that runs this site has got to be making a fortune. His kindly, old, grandfatherly, "I want to help you meet your perfect partner" schtick is sucking people in just the way Ronald Reagan sucked the whole country in until he was voted in twice. Well I want part of that gravy train. I'm younger, smarter, and more in touch with what the young, single internet daters are interested in. First of all, if you're someone who uses the internet regularly, you don't have the attention span to answer a long quiz. In fact, I'm sure most of you think I've rambled enough already today. Stick with me my lovelorn friends. Secondly, my personality quiz won't waste time evaluating the unimportant, nit-picky personality characteristics. If you're paying an internet site to find you a date then you're already way past being picky about the little things. My quiz will just hit the high points. Even if you're not looking for love on the web, you can use this quiz when meeting new dates.

1. Are you married?
2. Have you ever seen a Star Wars movie at the theater within one week of it's release?
3. How many pets do you live with?
4. During sex, have you ever requested something that caused your partner to break up with you and/or call the authorities?
5. Are your parents or grandparents biological siblings?
6. Did you think the movie Fatal Attraction was a comedy?

If the person you are speaking with answers yes or "more than one" to any of these questions then run for your life. If they answer no to all of them then anything else is just minor details you can live with.

Final Destination

Death. I have to say, I'm not a fan. Thursday night just outside of Buffalo, NY a Continental Airlines/Colgan Air flight en route from Newark, NJ to Buffalo crashed into a house killing all aboard and one person on the ground. The plane was reportedly relatively new. An off duty pilot was one of the unfortunate passengers. 36 days prior to Thursday I flew from Newark, NJ to Rochester, NY, which is about 75 miles east of Buffalo, on a Continental Airlines/Colgan Air flight on the exact same model plane. One of the passengers across the aisle from me on my flight was also an off duty Continental pilot who chatted with the stewardess about the plane we were on being a new plane. Chances are, the plane that crashed Thursday was the very same plane I rode five weeks ago. Considering all the circumstantial evidence it may very well have been. I'm a little creeped out. Especially since I have to fly again in 6 weeks.

Have you seen those Final Destination movies where the people that were supposed to die, but survive are stalked by Death until it finally gets them? What if 5 weeks ago Death had forgotten to turn the page on his date book at the beginning of the new year, and missed my flight?

Female Bodies

I used to work in an office. I worked with a lot of women. That is generally not a bad thing. Often I happened to be the only guy in the office with about 8 women. That can be a bad thing. I have to say, I'm a big fan of female bodies. Maybe one of the biggest. What I have discovered, however, is that when men aren't around women are waaaaay too comfortable talking about their bodies and the various functions of them. Apparently if a man leaves the room, women immediately begin talking about their biology. Women also seem to have no idea that a man may return to the room at any moment and hear part of their conversations. Some of these conversations have the same effect as catching your parents having sex. You want to run from the room screaming and gouge your eyes out to hopefully remove the image that is burned upon your brain. A memo to any pregnant women out there: If you are in the late stages of your pregnancy and still at work, your male co-workers do not want to know how dilated you are or how your water may break and "come out in squirts." Also, if all these women are retaining as much water as they say they are, why don't we hear that squishy sound when they walk? Especially if they're retaining it in their ankles. Also, PMS does not stand for Persecute Men Syndrome. We didn't cause your periods, so don't take them out on us. Yeast is used in baking right? Why do women constantly get infections from it? I've been in the kitchen before. I've baked cookies, but never once have I been so intimate with the ingredients of what I was making that I ended up with an infection in any orifice of my body. And you know how when a group of women spend a lot of time together whether it be at work or in a college dorm their menstrual cycles sync up? How the hell does that happen? Are their uteruses(is that the correct plural? Is it uteri?) sending invisible hormonal microwaves across the room to each other? Or do you ladies just talk and decide to have your periods at the same time? And if there are invisible uterus microwaves criss-crossing a room while I'm there, what the hell could they be doing to my testicles? It's a good thing I got out of there I suppose. Ladies, you know how there's all that dirty, metal junk under the hood of your car? The same way that you just want your car to start without knowing how an internal combustion engine works is exactly how guys feel about your bodies. We just want them to turn on when we put the key in. We don't want to know how they work.