Previously on 24...

If each episode of 24 is an hour in Jack Bauers' life, then what happened previously was only an hour ago. Why would they have to remind us? That's the trouble with time travel, too much irony. That's why humans don't do it. It is absolutely impossible that virtually every hour of Jack Bauers' life is crammed with fighting terrorist plots. He can't possibly be doing that every day. Every now and then, why isn't there an episode where we see Jack plunging his toilet for 45 minutes and then cleaning up the mess? Where is the episode with Jack walking his dog? When will we see his wife nagging him for not taking out the garbage? How about an episode that begins with Jack walking down the hall in his boxers and a wife beater tank top carrying the newspaper into the bathroom. The next 45 minutes could just be the camera pointed at the closed bathroom door. That would be reality television.

"I Could Bite Your Face."

To paraphrase The Beatles' Eleanor Rigby song, I'd like to say: All the stupid people, where do they all come from? I found myself helpless witness and finally participant to two incredibly idiotic conversations this week. At one time I was in the waiting room of a medical office and seated near me was a couple that would make the folks on CMT's "Redneck Wedding" look like the height of haute couture. This couple had more digits than teeth and their attire would make an Amish grandfather look trendy. So the woman, who was reading a magazine, People or Us or some similar intellectually stimulating tripe, says, "Look, a composer, that would be a good job!" I'm thinking, "Yeah honey, you check the want ads for that one. I'm sure there's a big market for a gal with your resume."

Later in the week I'm in another office, one that has both a psychiatrist and an internal medicine doc. Two roughly 18 year old girls come in, check in, and sit down near me. One starts reading a People Magazine and soon thereafter points out to the other member of her Mensa club an article about a female jogger who survived a bear attack. First they debated at length whether or not there are any mountains in New York state because if there were they would avoid said mountains to avoid being attacked by bears. Then the debate raged on regarding whether or not you could escape certain death by playing dead when attacked by a brown bear or a black bear. Of course the inevitable discourse of what type of bear is native to New York ensued. I believe they concluded that brown bears fall for this ruse but black bears do not. Girl number 1 informed girl number 2 that the jogger survived the attack by poking the bear in the eyes while it was biting her face. Girl number 2, whom I'm fairly certain did not work for NASA, then speculated that a baby bear might not be able to harm her because its jaw might not be large enough that the bear would be able to open it's mouth sufficiently wide enough to bite her face. To this Girl number 1 replied, "I could bite your face." At this point I burst out laughing and added, "And don't you forget it. You don't want to make her mad." The girls then stopped talking for the remainder of their time in the waiting room.

Smokers Outside The Hospital Doors

I can't shake this feeling I've got
My dirty hands, have I been in the wars?
The saddest thing that I'd ever seen
We're smokers outside the hospital doors
The Editors

I work in the field of addiction and yet I still wonder how smokers can continue their addiction. Many very nice, normal, intelligent people smoke. Don't worry, this isn't going to be some holier than thou diatribe against smoking. Mostly I just love the song I quoted. You should look it up and add it to your iPod. (Editors you can thank me later, perhaps in the form of a tiny royalty check) If people want to have cancer, bad breath, and smelly clothes 'm fine with that. I have friends that smoke and I've never said a word to them about it.

What got me to thinking about the incredible grip that nicotine addiction has on people is the weather. I live in the Northeast, yeah I know that seems as stupid as smoking already. This week it has been unbelieveably cold. Single digits or less, fahrenheit with windchill temps around 20 below zero. (For my Canadian friends that's a hell of a lot colder than your zero. See? The United states is better than you at yet another thing) Yesterday as I was driving around I was passed by a smoker who was driving with her window open so she could flick her ashes out of the car. In the summer, fine, but when it feels like 20 below and you're going 60 miles per hour I have no interest in any air from the outside touching me. Yet smoking drives people to do this and often, because of the laws that prohibit smoking in public buildings, they stand outdoors smoking in all kinds of weather. I used to be a second hand smoker but I gave it up by chewing used nicorette gum.

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

Like the title? I made it up myself. It was just as clever almost four years ago when I first used it for a blog post. Few things in life inspire as many stories and "I know that feeling" shakes of the head as travel. This past week I was forced to go to Newark, New Jersey by my employer. Really, who wouldn't want to visit lovely Newark in the dead of winter? I travel by plane a few times a year for my job, so in general I've got the hang of it. Unfortunately not everyone else does. As an educational public service I hope that some of the more novice travelers will read the rest of this post.

People Movers: Almost every airport has them now. These strips of moving floor that are intended to help the you traverse the airport a little more quickly without having to run. My impression is that you're supposed to walk on the people movers so that your speed is doubled without you having to run, preventing many collisions. I love the people movers. Even if I'm way early for my boarding I still like to get where I'm going faster. I do not love lazy people on the people movers. These idiots hop on the people mover as if it's an escalator and just stand there. By doing that they're not going forward any faster than if they had walked. They're just lazy! It's a good thing that security doesn't let us carry handguns on flights because I would probably shoot these non-moving people on the people movers and then step over their bodies as I happily sped on my way to my gate. I'm convinced that's why we can't bring guns in our carry on luggage, not so much to prevent hijackings as to prevent the normal, intelligent sane passengers from killing the morons with whom we find ourselves trapped for several hours in a small enclosed space on our flights. There ought to be a test before you purchase your tickets and if you fail you're not allowed to fly.

One of the questions on the test will be "When on a plane is it ever appropriate to take off your shoes?"
A) yes, it's important to be as comfortable as possible on a long flight.
B) Only in the event of some foot related emergency such as needing to plug a hole in the fuselage with my toe.
C) Absolutely never. And especially not if Phil is on your plane.

Yes, I got on my plane and a guy sat next to me and immediately took off his sneakers. And there was a definite foot smell. Ugh. Fortunately the universe sensed my need and sent relief in the form of the flight attendant announcing to the plane, "We need four passengers to move to seats behind row 14. Any volunteers?" My hand went up so fast I almost popped my shoulder out of the socket. Aaaah, sweet relief! I moved to the back of the plane and had a row to myself to stretch out. Life is good I thought. Then I thought, I'm not real keen on the fact that our plane needs passengers to move to different parts to keep it balanced while it's in the air. What happens if someone upsets the delicate balance by getting up and going to the bathroom, which might be on the opposite side of the plane from their seat, and they leave an enormous...ahem... deposit? The planes balance could be thrown off and I could die because somebody likes a little too much fiber in their diet.

Happy New Year! My predictions for 2009

It is the first of January 2009 and I'm blogging already. That's got to be a good sign. A good sign of what I don't know. The two or three of you who have occasionally visited my blog over the past 12 months as it has eroded to the point where you may have thought I had died are certainly appreciated and hopefully I'll be able to be a better blogger over the next twelve months.

I'm sure that blogland is full of posts about New Years resolutions today, but this won't be one of those posts. I do have resolutions, but I'll keep them to myself. Ok, I'll share one. I'd like to revive my blog to the point where it is again somewhat interactive with all my blog friends. Instead of resolutions, using my infamous psychic abilities, I will post a list of my predictions for the coming year.

1. President Barack Obama and his wife will divorce. Being the most powerful man on Earth has it's perks, (and I should know) and one of those is power groupies. Prez Barry won't be able to resist a little extracurricular nookie, perhaps Hilary Clinton who is looking to get revenge on Bill, and will stray from his wife while on a business trip. Michelle Obama will get the White House in the divorce settlement and Barack will then have to rule our country from a cheap apartment full of rental furniture that he was forced to hastily go to after returning from the Middle East to find his clothes and belongings in a pile on the curb in front of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

2. The economy will effect entertainment magazines and the rain forest. People Magazine, Us weekly and all other entertainment magazines will make the editorial decision not to glamorize celebrities because the "regular" people don't want to hear about the millions they make per picture when we're worrying about keeping our jobs, houses, and retirement funds. So, without any Brad, Jen, and Angelina news on their covers the magazines are reduced to being 47 pages of advertisements that no one buys. The magazines go out of business and the resulting reduction in trees cut down to make the paper saves the rain forest and reverses global warming.