A New Phil Law: The Name Game

When I become President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I will pass a law forming a committee that will be in charge of approving the names of all children in the United States. It is a crime some of the ridiculous names that parents saddle their children with. Here are some of the restrictions that will be part of the Name Committee's mandate:

1) No child with the last name of Head will ever be named Richard. Any family with the last name of Time may not name their child Justin. Any other similar idiocy may be struck down by the committee.

2) You may not give multiple children in the same family the same name. It is not different if you put a II, III, or IV after it.

3) Do not make up new names. You are not smarter or more creative than the people who lived on this earth for thousands of years before you. If it didn't exist as a human name prior to the child's birth, you cannot make it a name. No naming children after objects, events, pieces of fruit, or places.

4) Everyone must go by the name they were given at birth. If you become famous, stick with the name you were given. We all find out your birth name anyway, stop trying to be pretentious.

The Thoughtless Post

Hi everyone, or at least the few of you checking in to see if I still have a pulse. I was going to re-post a re-run from a couple years ago, but I couldn't delete all the comments. So I'll just throw a random stream of thoughts at you. If any of you remember my Golden Boys series, I'd like to give a big CONGRATS to Golden Boy Gooby who just had his first child a few days ago. His stretch marks are going to be killer though. Hopefully I won't be the creepy old uncle.

I had a nice weekend, and the unseasonably warm weather in the northeast is great, but I'm still dejected about the end of summer. Over the weekend I was in a store and they were selling Christmas decorations already. The mix of the display of demonic pirates right next to the inflatable manger scene just seemed wrong. Screw the economy, I want to see congress working on a law that forbids a store from advertising for one holiday before the previous one has concluded.

Happy belated Yom Kippur to all my Jewish friends. Hope your atonement went well. I for one have nothing to atone for, well, except for this post.

When in Rome...

When in Rome...don't plan on finding any parking, or riding in a car bigger than a clown car. Wow, I hadn't realized that it's been 5 weeks since I've blogged. Then again, no one visits here anymore, so why blog? If a blogger writes in the forest and there's no one there to here it...Then again I probably wouldn't get Wi-Fi out in the woods. Wait...I'm hearing a voice from my cornfield. Ok, I don't have a corn field, I think it's coming from my bag of candy corn. That can't be good. What's the voice saying....shhhh...I can't hear...."Phil...if you blog it they will come" What?!!? "If you blog it they will come." Blog what? Who the hell are you and why are you in my candy corn? "Phil...don't be an idiot. Just write the fucking blog." Well, I guess it can be much clearer than that, so I'll keep writing. I hope the candy corn voice tells someone to leave a comment.

Since my last post I went to Rome, Italy. I have to specify that because here in New York there's a small city called Rome also and everytime I told someone I was going to Rome they said "Italy?" There is absolutely no reason to go to Rome, NY, unless that's the closest parking spot you can find to your hotel in Rome, Italy. Rome was a city built without parking. There isn't a parking lot to be found. Sure, you can't swing a dead cat without hitting a piazza or a 1000 year old cathedral, but parking? Forget it. Everyone there either drives something like a smart car, or a vespa type cycle. And they just about stack them to park. You know what would be great? If someone turned the Roman Coliseum into a parking garage. In the words of Billy Fucillo, that place is HUUUUUGE! It used to seat 300,000. Put a multi-level garage inside that thing and run a shuttle bus downtown every 20 minutes and you'd be richer than the pope.