Death.....The Final Frontier

In the movie "When Harry Met Sally," Harry and Sally were talking on the phone when Sally burst into tears because she was going to turn 40. Harry replied, "But that's not for years." To which Sally tearfully replied, "Yeah, but it's out there."

Death has me concerned. There is a whole sector of the population that keeps insisting that death is 'out there' for everyone. Some people keep insisting that it might even happen to me someday. I'm not a big fan of death. I hate when it happens to people I know and I'm even less enthusiastic about the idea that it might happen to me. There's a tiny, tiny part in the back of my brain, one particular brain cell perhaps, that keeps trying to speak up and tell me that some day I may even die. Fortunately all the other brain cells called a meeting and decided to shout down this one rebel cell whenever it decides to open it's big, fat piehole. I've decided to try a different approach to death. Well, a different approach to my potential death. Death is fine for other people, but I'm just not going to do it. The way I look at it is this: Death has never happened to me before, so where is the proof that it's going to happen to me? Just because mankind had never successfully flown before the Wright brothers, they didn't just give up and stay on the ground did they? I think too many people give in to the myth that is death. Think about it. When you were a kid and you stopped believing in Santa Claus, he stopped existing for you didn't he? Well, has anyone ever decided not to believe in death? That's my plan. Like I said, it's never happened to me, so I have no proof that it will.

Rubberneckers

For those of you not familiar with the term, rubberneckers are those people who find it necessary to slow down while driving, just to look at an accident. I hate rubberneckers. The other day on my way to work, the highway suddenly turned into a parking lot. I would have bet money that either construction or a horrific accident had shut down 2 of the 3 highway lanes going my direction into the city. It turns out I was wrong. There had been a vehicle overturned on the other side of the road, blocking the lanes going the other direction. (I swear I saw a cell phone lying on the road next to the flipped pick up truck) The delay on my side was due to rubberneckers. I believe that rubbernecking should be a crime punishable by death, or just to avoid trouble with Amnesty International, perhaps the loss of your driver's license for one year. Of course taking away their license for a year may not be long enough because it will take at least that long before these morons get past the accident they're staring at and pull over for the police. Rubberneckers are fortunate that I do not own a gun and that my vehicle is not equipped with missiles. If anything is likely to cause me road rage it is people who slow me down on the road. It doesn't matter where I'm going. I could be on my way to have all my teeth pulled without any painkiller and I'd still be furious that these people are holding me up. If I was in my car and The Pope, Mother Theresa, and the Dali Lama were in vehicles in front of me I swear I would at least fire a warning shot if any one of them slowed to look at an accident. The glass in The Popemobile is supposedly bulletproof, so I wouldn't feel too bad just bouncing a slug right off his rear window to get him moving.

Citius, Altius, Fortius

If you haven't brushed up on your Latin the title of this piece is the Olympic motto: Swifter, Higher, Stronger. Apparently that motto describes the athletes not only in the arena of competition, but between the sheets as well. As in past games, Olympic officials have distributed more than 100,000 condoms to the 10,500 athletes housed in the Olpympic village. That's roughly 10 condoms per athlete. If you consider that some athletes won't need them because they're married, have an alternative lifestyle, or just monogamous, that means that someone is getting a whole lot of nooky. I wonder if the Olympic athletes have some unofficial records for some of the sports they participate in when the lights go out?

Feeling Blue?

Is it just me, or has everyone noticed that now, virtually every beverage comes in the color blue? Blue is not a color that anything edible in nature is. Unless you eat parrots. Not wanting to eat parrots and suspicious of anything that is a glowing blue I still refuse to drink these freakish liquids. Think about it. It used to be that the only blue liquids were the windshield washer fluid for your car and the stuff the hairdressers put the combs in. How do we know that all the new blue beverages aren't some derivation of those two things?

An Open Letter To Vespa Dude

Dear Vespa Dude,

You are SO not cool. I don't care if you wear a leather jacket and helmet with dark visor, that does not make your scooter a motorcycyle. I don't care if you get 80 miles to the gallon of gas. After two weeks of riding your Vespa the savings should allow you to buy a real motorcycle or maybe even a car. You're an adult and you're riding a SCOOTER! Let that sink in for a moment... If you had any miniscule shot at getting a date with an actual real life woman, your scooter just killed that. Unless Al Gore has a really hot daughter who cares about the environment as much as you do, you're not going to find a woman who wants to be taken out to dinner on a...SCOOTER. (As an aside, Jenna Bush is a smokin' hottie and I'd vote for her dad for a third term if she got to be on tv more because of it) And by the way, if your vehicle has a top speed of 30 mph get the hell off the road. You don't belong in my way. Just because you have a tiny license plate, like the ones I tied on the back of my bike when I was 8, doesn't mean you should be on the road. While you're at it why don't you just clip some baseball cards to the spokes so your Vespa almost sounds like a motorcycle. In fact, because your 30 mph ass is in my lane I have to go slower and take longer, burning more gas and thus negating any benefit to the world you thought you were providing by riding your SCOOTER. I'd like to put my big carbon footprint right up your scooter riding ass.

Whew, it's been a long time since I got off a good rant on here. This time I'm honestly hoping to get back to blogging at least once a week. Thanks for coming back.
Phil