Jesus H. Christ!

No, I'm not mad. It's time to pimp my favorite band once again as they released a new CD about two months ago. Jesus H. Christ and The Four Hornsmen of the Apocalypse may have one of the longest band names in the world but they are also one of the funniest bands in the world as well.

About 2 1/2 years ago I posted the lyrics from a song, "Connecticut's For Fucking," from their debut, self-titled album. That song may be one of the funniest songs in music history. I sent the link from my blog to the "Contact us" link on their website (which you can find at the bottom of my blogroll on the left). Soon thereafter I received a somewhat sarcastic e-mail back. Assuming I was corresponding with some record company flunkie, I of course responded in kind and soon discovered that I was actually corresponding with Risa Mickenberg, the lead singer of the band. She turned out to be a very nice and very funny woman who once even sent me a link to a writing job opening for a new music magazine.

Their new CD, "Happier Than You," released in late October is again music for your funny bone. But this band is not just adept at writing clever, humorous lyrics however, they also are a musically talented bunch who puts their wit to sharp, pop/rock music with a brilliant horn sectior, The Four Hornsmen, adding a catchy oomph to every song. That's right, I said oomph. My favorites on the new CD are "Liz the Hot Receptionist" and "Alcoholics in My Town." Both songs are brilliant because of the truth behind the humor. All of us will recognize the characters in "Alcoholics" as people we knew and grew up with in our own Everytown, U.S.A. The band doesn't have a big record company behind them and produces their CD's independently. They all probably have day jobs that they tirelessly slave away at to support their music. Let's help them out by visiting their website, (bottom of blogroll on the left) or by looking them up on Itunes and downloading a few songs, if not the whole CD.

2008: The Year In Review

No, just kidding. I'm seriously not going to review the year either personally or in music, movies, or news. I love the holidays, but I hate watching t.v. this time of year. There isn't a single media outlet of any kind that can resist the obligatory "Year in Review" piece. Why? We all know what happened! We don't need the events ranked for us. And I'm not one to send one of those form letter Christmas cards: "Dear ____________, 2008 was a wonderful year for my family. I started a new job, little Johnny learned to poop indoors and that rash on Susie's face cleared up...blah, blah, blah...." If you're a friend I've talked to you throughout the year and you know what I've been doing and I know what you've been doing. So lets look ahead. Why not list what we'd like to see in the coming year. Here is my list of things I'd like to see in 2009:
1. With the government bailing out the automakers and Wall Street, I'd like them to bail out all the citizens too by eliminating federal income tax for a portion of the year to put more money in our pockets and thus stimulating the economy. Also, the government was so offended that the heads of the auto companies came to Washington in private jets to ask for money. Hippocrites. I'd like to see the President, Senators, and Congreesmen all agree to take pay cuts to balance out my proposed federal tax hiatus. See? I don't just complain. I've got ideas. "I'm an idea man Chuck." If you get that movie reference you win $10 in Phil bucks that can be spent in The Phil Factor Gift shop. Just in time for the holidays.
2. More time. I'd like the physicists to find a way to give us more time every day, or make time travel possible or something. There's ways to get more of everything else except time. It's a non-renewable resource. I'd like a life DVR so I can do somethings now and then go back in time and do other things at the same time. Twice as much productivity each day!
3. At this point I'm out of ideas and coffee. I'll get more of both and be back to add to this list! Happy Holidays!

Unusual Things I'm Thankful For

In the United States it is traditional to get together with family on the Thanksgiving holiday and share the important things you are thankful for before gorging yourself on a meal centered upon the large, dead carcass of the ugliest bird in North America. Every year everyone shares the usual platitudes about being thankful for family and good heath. Duh! Who can't come up with that? So without further adieu, here are some of the everyday things I am thankful for:

1. As mentioned previously, I’m thankful for global warming. Last winter I had about 6 inches of snow in November and 6 inches on the day of the Super Bowl. Other than that it was snow free all winter long, which is astounding in my area. I’m so into global warming that I stocked up on aerosol cans and Freon before they banned both. Now each day I release a little of each into the atmosphere. I’m hoping to create a hole in the ozone directly about my house to let the sun shine in all year long.
2. The hiccups. Yes, I'm thankful for the hiccups. They make others laugh and they make me laugh at myself. They're small, funny, unpredictable, and you never know when they might take control of your body. That kind of sounds like an orgy between Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs doesn't it? I remember a St. Patrick's Day in college when I went out with my friends at 3:00 in the afternoon. By 4:00 I had the hiccups and they didn't stop all night long. I had them so bad it was impossible to get drunk. I've never forgotten that night. To this day I'm certain that fate intervened in the form of hiccups to prevent me from doing something catastrophically stupid. I don't know what it was going to be, but it must have been pretty bad.
3. New socks. Damn I love a new pair of cushy, warm socks. In the winter there's nothing better than having your feet ensconced in a cocoon of soft, warm, cotton.
4. Blogger saving all my old posts so I can just edit and update my Thanksgiving post every year.
5. Canadians. Without their funny accents, lame t.v. shows and colorful money what would life be like? But I've never met a Canadian I didn't like. We should invade them and make them the 51st state. They're kind of like the United States pet aren't they? All cute and cuddly, harmlessly playing in the snow up there.
6. I'm also thankful for all my blog friends who keep visiting and commenting even though I don't always visit your blogs every day or reply to all your comments. So tell me, what unusual things are you thankful for?

A New Phil Law: The Name Game

When I become President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I will pass a law forming a committee that will be in charge of approving the names of all children in the United States. It is a crime some of the ridiculous names that parents saddle their children with. Here are some of the restrictions that will be part of the Name Committee's mandate:

1) No child with the last name of Head will ever be named Richard. Any family with the last name of Time may not name their child Justin. Any other similar idiocy may be struck down by the committee.

2) You may not give multiple children in the same family the same name. It is not different if you put a II, III, or IV after it.

3) Do not make up new names. You are not smarter or more creative than the people who lived on this earth for thousands of years before you. If it didn't exist as a human name prior to the child's birth, you cannot make it a name. No naming children after objects, events, pieces of fruit, or places.

4) Everyone must go by the name they were given at birth. If you become famous, stick with the name you were given. We all find out your birth name anyway, stop trying to be pretentious.

The Thoughtless Post

Hi everyone, or at least the few of you checking in to see if I still have a pulse. I was going to re-post a re-run from a couple years ago, but I couldn't delete all the comments. So I'll just throw a random stream of thoughts at you. If any of you remember my Golden Boys series, I'd like to give a big CONGRATS to Golden Boy Gooby who just had his first child a few days ago. His stretch marks are going to be killer though. Hopefully I won't be the creepy old uncle.

I had a nice weekend, and the unseasonably warm weather in the northeast is great, but I'm still dejected about the end of summer. Over the weekend I was in a store and they were selling Christmas decorations already. The mix of the display of demonic pirates right next to the inflatable manger scene just seemed wrong. Screw the economy, I want to see congress working on a law that forbids a store from advertising for one holiday before the previous one has concluded.

Happy belated Yom Kippur to all my Jewish friends. Hope your atonement went well. I for one have nothing to atone for, well, except for this post.

When in Rome...

When in Rome...don't plan on finding any parking, or riding in a car bigger than a clown car. Wow, I hadn't realized that it's been 5 weeks since I've blogged. Then again, no one visits here anymore, so why blog? If a blogger writes in the forest and there's no one there to here it...Then again I probably wouldn't get Wi-Fi out in the woods. Wait...I'm hearing a voice from my cornfield. Ok, I don't have a corn field, I think it's coming from my bag of candy corn. That can't be good. What's the voice saying....shhhh...I can't hear...."Phil...if you blog it they will come" What?!!? "If you blog it they will come." Blog what? Who the hell are you and why are you in my candy corn? "Phil...don't be an idiot. Just write the fucking blog." Well, I guess it can be much clearer than that, so I'll keep writing. I hope the candy corn voice tells someone to leave a comment.

Since my last post I went to Rome, Italy. I have to specify that because here in New York there's a small city called Rome also and everytime I told someone I was going to Rome they said "Italy?" There is absolutely no reason to go to Rome, NY, unless that's the closest parking spot you can find to your hotel in Rome, Italy. Rome was a city built without parking. There isn't a parking lot to be found. Sure, you can't swing a dead cat without hitting a piazza or a 1000 year old cathedral, but parking? Forget it. Everyone there either drives something like a smart car, or a vespa type cycle. And they just about stack them to park. You know what would be great? If someone turned the Roman Coliseum into a parking garage. In the words of Billy Fucillo, that place is HUUUUUGE! It used to seat 300,000. Put a multi-level garage inside that thing and run a shuttle bus downtown every 20 minutes and you'd be richer than the pope.

Death.....The Final Frontier

In the movie "When Harry Met Sally," Harry and Sally were talking on the phone when Sally burst into tears because she was going to turn 40. Harry replied, "But that's not for years." To which Sally tearfully replied, "Yeah, but it's out there."

Death has me concerned. There is a whole sector of the population that keeps insisting that death is 'out there' for everyone. Some people keep insisting that it might even happen to me someday. I'm not a big fan of death. I hate when it happens to people I know and I'm even less enthusiastic about the idea that it might happen to me. There's a tiny, tiny part in the back of my brain, one particular brain cell perhaps, that keeps trying to speak up and tell me that some day I may even die. Fortunately all the other brain cells called a meeting and decided to shout down this one rebel cell whenever it decides to open it's big, fat piehole. I've decided to try a different approach to death. Well, a different approach to my potential death. Death is fine for other people, but I'm just not going to do it. The way I look at it is this: Death has never happened to me before, so where is the proof that it's going to happen to me? Just because mankind had never successfully flown before the Wright brothers, they didn't just give up and stay on the ground did they? I think too many people give in to the myth that is death. Think about it. When you were a kid and you stopped believing in Santa Claus, he stopped existing for you didn't he? Well, has anyone ever decided not to believe in death? That's my plan. Like I said, it's never happened to me, so I have no proof that it will.

Rubberneckers

For those of you not familiar with the term, rubberneckers are those people who find it necessary to slow down while driving, just to look at an accident. I hate rubberneckers. The other day on my way to work, the highway suddenly turned into a parking lot. I would have bet money that either construction or a horrific accident had shut down 2 of the 3 highway lanes going my direction into the city. It turns out I was wrong. There had been a vehicle overturned on the other side of the road, blocking the lanes going the other direction. (I swear I saw a cell phone lying on the road next to the flipped pick up truck) The delay on my side was due to rubberneckers. I believe that rubbernecking should be a crime punishable by death, or just to avoid trouble with Amnesty International, perhaps the loss of your driver's license for one year. Of course taking away their license for a year may not be long enough because it will take at least that long before these morons get past the accident they're staring at and pull over for the police. Rubberneckers are fortunate that I do not own a gun and that my vehicle is not equipped with missiles. If anything is likely to cause me road rage it is people who slow me down on the road. It doesn't matter where I'm going. I could be on my way to have all my teeth pulled without any painkiller and I'd still be furious that these people are holding me up. If I was in my car and The Pope, Mother Theresa, and the Dali Lama were in vehicles in front of me I swear I would at least fire a warning shot if any one of them slowed to look at an accident. The glass in The Popemobile is supposedly bulletproof, so I wouldn't feel too bad just bouncing a slug right off his rear window to get him moving.

Citius, Altius, Fortius

If you haven't brushed up on your Latin the title of this piece is the Olympic motto: Swifter, Higher, Stronger. Apparently that motto describes the athletes not only in the arena of competition, but between the sheets as well. As in past games, Olympic officials have distributed more than 100,000 condoms to the 10,500 athletes housed in the Olpympic village. That's roughly 10 condoms per athlete. If you consider that some athletes won't need them because they're married, have an alternative lifestyle, or just monogamous, that means that someone is getting a whole lot of nooky. I wonder if the Olympic athletes have some unofficial records for some of the sports they participate in when the lights go out?

Feeling Blue?

Is it just me, or has everyone noticed that now, virtually every beverage comes in the color blue? Blue is not a color that anything edible in nature is. Unless you eat parrots. Not wanting to eat parrots and suspicious of anything that is a glowing blue I still refuse to drink these freakish liquids. Think about it. It used to be that the only blue liquids were the windshield washer fluid for your car and the stuff the hairdressers put the combs in. How do we know that all the new blue beverages aren't some derivation of those two things?

An Open Letter To Vespa Dude

Dear Vespa Dude,

You are SO not cool. I don't care if you wear a leather jacket and helmet with dark visor, that does not make your scooter a motorcycyle. I don't care if you get 80 miles to the gallon of gas. After two weeks of riding your Vespa the savings should allow you to buy a real motorcycle or maybe even a car. You're an adult and you're riding a SCOOTER! Let that sink in for a moment... If you had any miniscule shot at getting a date with an actual real life woman, your scooter just killed that. Unless Al Gore has a really hot daughter who cares about the environment as much as you do, you're not going to find a woman who wants to be taken out to dinner on a...SCOOTER. (As an aside, Jenna Bush is a smokin' hottie and I'd vote for her dad for a third term if she got to be on tv more because of it) And by the way, if your vehicle has a top speed of 30 mph get the hell off the road. You don't belong in my way. Just because you have a tiny license plate, like the ones I tied on the back of my bike when I was 8, doesn't mean you should be on the road. While you're at it why don't you just clip some baseball cards to the spokes so your Vespa almost sounds like a motorcycle. In fact, because your 30 mph ass is in my lane I have to go slower and take longer, burning more gas and thus negating any benefit to the world you thought you were providing by riding your SCOOTER. I'd like to put my big carbon footprint right up your scooter riding ass.

Whew, it's been a long time since I got off a good rant on here. This time I'm honestly hoping to get back to blogging at least once a week. Thanks for coming back.
Phil

Golden Boy Weekend!

Good friends, bad golf, and alot of beer. That is the essence of Golden Boy Weekend. There's not much else and there doesn't need to be. Me, Tom, and Gooby. We've known each other since we were in diapers and will still probably know each other when we're in diapers again. We grew up together, much like the kids in 'Stand By Me' and we haven't changed much. We've put on the adult suit for most of our days, and although we don't all live on the same street, once a year we get together to revel in our friendship. There have been many infamous adventures involving police, public nudity, and weddings crashed, resulting in stories that will live on in legend. Today is Golden Boy weekend. Stay tuned....

A Couple Random Things

I still have a pulse. If you ever thought of e-mailing me, I'm changing the e-mail for this blog to im_fill@yahoo.com The old e-mail was just too full of spam and I was losing e-mails that I wanted. Also, if you fly and you're not in first class, when you check in ask if you can sit in the emergency exit row. They often don't fill it until last, and many times you might have it to yourself. The emergency exit row also has about double the leg room. Some call it the poor man's first class. I don't care. I've done it a few times and there's nothing better than having three seats to yourself to stretch out on during a long flight.

The Man Crush

I do not have a man crush. Nor have I ever had a man crush. I have twice been the subject of man crushes. For those of you not familiar with the term it's when one allegedly heterosexual man thinks another is just the bomb, the coolest guy he has ever met and just always wants to hang out with him or be like him, but all in a non-sexual way. I believe I may currently be the subject of a man crush. I always have a man crush on myself of course, but it's different when you know another guy is blatantly digging your action in a heterosexual way.

Tell me if this sounds like he has a man crush on me: He once sent me a cell phone pic of himself for no apparent reason. I did not reciprocate. Once in a parking lot when it was raining and I was pushing a shopping cart full of beer and food he, without my asking, ran alongside me holding an umbrella over me. He often calls and talks for like a half hour. Once I got up to find he had left me a phone message at 2:45 a.m. No, he wasn't drunk dialing, but what the hell? He didn't have anything significant to say either. Another time he actually called and talked to me while he was in bed. Granted, we had just gotten off a work conference call early in the morning, but still it was kind of creepy. Women laying in bed talking to me on the phone: hot! Men, not so much.

Construction Vehicle: Do Not Follow

Why is the sign that says "Construction Vehicle: Do Not Follow" only on the back of the construction vehicle where you can only read it if you are already following it? And then of course it's always too late to help you because you're trapped behind a dump truck that's crawling along in a no pass lane for the next two miles.

The Terminal

Ok, I don't really have anything to say. I've just been really busy for the past few weeks. I do think about blogging a lot and feel guilty when I don't. Today I just got back from a week away from home due to work. Remember the Tom Hanks movie 'The Terminal'? My work took me to a very nice place, but the company set me up in the hotel IN the airport. My balcony overlooked the security lines. I had meetings all week in the same hotel. I awoke to the sound of whining kids out in the terminal. I went to the pool on the top of the hotel which conveniently had a beautiful view of...the runways and in the distance a nuclear power plant. I literally lived in an airport for a week.

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY !

I have a shamrock tattooed somewhere on my body. If you can guess where, you win 1000 Phil dollars good for any purchase in the Phil Factor gift shop.

Former N.Y. Govenor Eliot Spitzer

Former N.Y. Govenor Eliot Spitzer reportedly spent $80,000 on his high priced call girl over a period of time. Two thoughts: 1) He must REALLY like sex. (of course, who doesn't?) 2) That's a lot of disposable income.

Hyperbole Perhaps?

LONDON, England (CNN) -- The United Nations' anti-drugs chief has denounced celebrities such as pop star Amy Winehouse and supermodel Kate Moss, saying that their alleged drug use was helping devastate West Africa. "Coke-snorting fashionistas are not only damaging their noses and brains -- they are contributing to state failure on the other side of the world," wrote Antonio Maria Costa, the executive director of the UN's Office on Drugs and Crime.

Yeah, lighten up dude. I'm pretty sure that Amy Winehouse and Kate Moss may do a lot of coke, but probably not enough to ruin the economy of several countries.

I'm Wearing A Rubber!

In fact, I'm wearing two of them. Unfortunately they're not the fun kind of rubbers and I'm not wearing them for nearly as fun of a purpose. I started a new job about 6 months ago. In this job I travel around my area all day visiting different offices. I have to wear a full on suit and dress shoes every day. Unfortunately I live in the Northeast where the atmosphere appears completely ignorant to my wishes in regards to climate. In short, what I'm saying is, it snows. Streets and parking lots are full of snow and slush and salt for about 4 straight months. I have a nice pair of leather shoes to go with my suits. The snow, slush, and salt just soak right through and ruin them if I don't protect them. Hence, the rubbers. Yeah, not the fun kind. What the hell has my life come to? Yes, they're those nice rubbers (galoshes) that look exactly like the dress shoes they cover and no one ever notices that I have them on, but c'mon! This is one of those things that as a kid I'd notice on adults and I'd say, "That is the dorkiest thing I've ever seen. I'm never going to wear anything so stupid." Just another bit of proof that we grow up to be exactly like our parents.

Tattoo Me?

I'm thinking of getting my second tattoo. Any suggestions? Do you think I could get away with a tramp stamp? A neck tattoo maybe? How about a contest where whoever has left me the most comments gets their name tattoed on my neck? Any suggestions will be considered and I'll let you know what I decide and if possible, put up a pic here.

I'm Hungry

At what age is it OK to order from Meals on Wheels?

I am Pro-Choice (It's not what you think)

As the political races are getting into high gear I thought I'd come out with one of my most important political statements. I AM PRO CHOICE. No, not in the political hot potato sense of the phrase. My personal, political and religious beliefs aren't fervent enough to hold up to public scrutiny. But I AM PRO CHOICE. Here is the choice that I want:

When I walk into a public restroom, I would like the opportunity to choose if I want to dry my hands with a paper towel, or if I want to stand there like a dope rubbing my hands together under the pathetically underpowered air dryer. Whose hands do these things actually dry? Don't we all just end up wiping our hands on our pants as we walk out anyway? If you actually want your hands dried by these machines you'd have to stand there long enough that anyone you came with would probably think you had escaped out of the bathroom window. If you actually use a hand dryer to full effect everytime you use a public restroom you'll probably waste hours of your life each year and in the long run waste a significant portion of your finite time on Earth rubbing your hands together under what amounts to nothing more than the same breeze you'd get if you just walked around waving your hands in the air. The air dryers are fine for anyone who wants to save trees, but I resent the places that have made the choice for you and don't provide any type of paper towels at all, forcing you to use the hand dryer, or worse yet, trying to dry your wet hands with toilet paper that will only tear and stick all over your hands.

When I become President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first...(you know the rest)