99 Bottles of Water on the Wall, 99 Bottles of Water...

Get one in the mail, pass it around, 98 bottles of water on the wall!

Everyday on my way to work I pass a bus stop shelter that has an advertising poster covering the entire end. What is says is this: 99BottlesofWaterForFree.com

Sounds great right? You just go to the website, give them your address and they send you 99 bottles of water. Millions of people spend money buying bottled water every day. What could be better than getting it for free right? I know what I'm giving to all my friends for Christmas and Hannukah!

I hate to be a cynic, but does anyone else think that this sounds like a disaster waiting to happen? Or perhaps a terrorist plot to poison us? One employee doesn't wash his hands after using the restroom and we've got another e-coli epidemic just in time for the holidays! Or perhaps Osama Bin Laden met with his flunkies to come up with this scheme.

Osama: Well, the Americans, they have the airports and borders covered. Can anyone else think of a way to bring down the capitalist infidels without actually entering the country?

Flunkie #1: How about we get them to come here? We can just set up a resort, get it listed on one of those travel sites and behead the American dogs one by one as they enter. We've got plenty of sand. We could call it a beach resort.

Osama: "Flunkie #1, that is the worst idea I've ever heard. The Americans, they are not stupid. They won't come to the middle east for vacation. Off with your head, it's obviously not good for anything! (Schwing, lop, thud, rolling sound) Somebody clean that up, I can't look at that! I'm right in the middle of my creme brulee'

Flunkie #2: "How about a website? I hear these Americans love this new internet thing. Maybe we could get them to buy something from us that would kill them! How about water, that's cheap! We could even make them pay the shipping and handling."

Osama: "Brilliant idea Flunkie #2! I think I'll use it. Off with your head! (Schwing, lop, thud, rolling sound) Clean up on aisle 3!"

I've linked the website in the text above. Feel free to try it if you're feeling brave.

Invisible World

"There has to be an invisible sun
It gives its heat to everyone
There has to be an invisible sun
That gives us hope when the whole days done"--The Police

Is it just me, or are others out there disturbed by the way our world is disappearing before our eyes? Every day more and more things are changing from tangible objects that we can have and hold into tiny bits of electrical data that fly through the air from place to place.

I recently read some summary of a scientific study that said people become emotionally and physically excited by the sight of money. Where the hell does anyone find money anymore? I have a job. I used to get my paycheck in the mail, take it to the bank, deposit some money and then ask the teller for several rectangular pieces of green paper that respresented currency. Now my job electronically sends my money to the bank and when I want to spend some of my vast fortune I just slide a plastic card through a little machine everywhere. I don't even write checks anymore. I can just use my computer to tell the bank to send my electronic money to the bank that owns my car and house!

When I was a kid I remember that my parents had a telephone that was actually attached to the wall by a cord! How did they ever call their friend from the mall with that thing? I used to get a newspaper, but why bother when my news is in print right on my computer, sent to me as millions of tiny bits of data that my computer re-assembles into a picture and words. In fact, I'm so old that remember way back when your computer had to be attached to a cable or phone jack. Books? Why read one of those big, heavy ones made of paper when you can listen to them in your car or read them online?

I haven't done any scientific studies, but it is my impression that there is probably a significant number of people who communicate with others by electronic means more than face to face. With technology advancing by quantum leaps every year it's entirely possible that face to face talking will soon be a thing of the past. It's almost as if real, physical people are becoming invisible little by little. Will we eventually become a society that lives safely in our little techno-domes pushing buttons to control the world around us without ever getting our hands dirty so to speak? What will become invisible next?

I Have An Announcement To Make

I have been adopted by Brad and Angelina. Evidently, everyone will get a turn eventually. I had no idea it could happen, but apparently it's like jury duty. You get a letter and the next day they show up and carry you off. There's nothing you can do about it. I'm looking forward to breast feeding. I hope my new mommy and daddy let me continue blogging.

Random Phil Thoughts

1. It's snowing here today. I hate that. Screw Al Gore. Global warming can't come fast enough.

2. Why haven't I been posting as often lately?

3. Why isn't there a peanut butter flavored gum? Who wouldn't love that?

4. Wash your new towels separately. You know how new towels won't absorb a damn thing until you wash them once or twice? I bought new towels, washed them before using them. Unfortunately I washed them with a red blanket that had never been washed before either. I stepped out of the shower today, dried off, looked in the mirror and found my body covered in red fuzz. I thought I had had an allergic reaction to something. Wash your new towels separately.

5. Thank you to every one for you comments on my last post. I'm sorry I was too busy to get in responses over the weekend.

6. Will Phil be posting his hysterically funny annual Things I'm Thankful For post again this year? Yup. You can count on it Wednesday.

Walk This Way

“So I took a big chance at the high school dance
With a missy who was ready to play
Was it me she was foolin'
'Cause she knew what she was doin'
And I know love was here to stay
When she told me to…” Aerosmith

The world is a wonderfully diverse place and with the holidays fast approaching much of that wonderfully diverse place will be crowding the stores and shopping malls. I love Christmas. I love giving and getting presents. What drives me absolutely crazy though is the people who don’t know how to walk properly. Walking is a very simple task that most of us completely master by the time we’re 18 months old. Some people however seem to completely forget that they are not alone in this world. They walk as if every store, every mall, or every sidewalk is their own personal space.

Now before you go painting me as an impatient, type A personality Scrooge, consider this: If you’re driving a car down a street would you ever consider just abruptly stopping in the road to look at something on the side? Would it be Ok to drift back and forth across both sides of the road? If you are on a highway during rush hour is it appropriate to drive significantly slower than the rest of the cars just because you want to look at the scenery? Now you see my point, right? I don’t want to rear end you, and you probably don’t want to be rear ended by me. At least not until we’ve gotten to know each other better.

In the grand tradition of The Overlaughers, I would like to identify the three most irritating types of walkers:

The Slow Walkers: This is the simplest and most common type. We all know these people. They always seem to turn up at the most inopportune times, like when you're hurrying to get to a restroom, or when you've got one item and you see an open cashier at the supermarket and it's you versus Aunt Bea with a shopping cart packed to the brim angling to see who can get there first. Invariably you will be blocked by a Slow Walker with hips as wide as a city bus who prefers to walk down the center of the aisle, effectively blocking your path to freedom.

The Meanderers: Yes, that is a real word. The Meanderers of this world seem to blissfully combine two types of walking with ignorance and the result is a walk which induces boiling blood pressure and frustrated looks of fury from the rest of us. The Meanderers enjoy slow walking combined with the tendency to drift aimlessly back and forth as things in their peripheral vision catch their attention. I can live with the occasional Slow Walker because you can usually pass them eventually. The Meanderers make passing them almost impossible with their unpredictable forays to both sides of the aisle. It's as if they have a sixth sense. The Meanderers can't see dead people, but they can sense when you want to get by and abruptly change directions into your path without even glancing back.

The Stoppers: There really is no other name for them. They're not slow or aimless and they're impossible to identify until it's too late, and by then you've accidently been very intimate with them. You may think that your shopping trip is rolling along fine as you coast through the mall towards your destination. The flow of humanity surrounding you seems to be in sync and all is right with the world. Then it happens. The person walking in front of you abruptly stops dead in their tracks. You either run right into them and get a mouthful of their hair and an idea of whether or not they've got buns of steel, or, in an effort to avoid them, you fly into gyrations reminiscent of when you walk face first into a spider web.

It is the frustration from coping with the inordinate amount these people in the malls during the holiday season which causes me to stay home and do my shopping online. Needless to say, all of these types of walkers drive their cars in the same manner in which they walk, so just re-read this and substitute driving for walking and we'll pretend I already wrote that post. By the way, which version of Walk This Way did you like better, the original Aerosmith version, or the collaboration with Run DMC?

A Nice Thought

..."books, they offer one hope---that a whole universe might open up from between the covers, and falling into that new universe, one is saved."
"Oh yes, I think so. I really do," Aunt Queen responded almost gleefully. "It ought to be that way with people, and sometimes it is. Imagine---each new person an entire universe. Do you think we can allow that?..." --Anne Rice, Blackwood Farm

I Have Big Boy Shoes!

I'm an adult. The birthdate on my drivers' license says so. The United States of America even pretends that my vote helps to decide who is President. I can walk into a bar and buy a beer. My company even gave me business cards! By virtually any definition available, I'm an adult. When I got my first "real" job after college I still felt like a kid wearing a big suit like David Byrne in the "Same As It Ever Was" video and fooling everyone into thinking that I had grown up. The funny thing is, that despite all the evidence to the contrary, I've never felt like a true adult. Unless you're one of my regular readers, maybe you've never picked up on this, but I think I still have a kid brain trapped in an adult body.

That all changed two days ago when I went to buy shoes. On most days I do wear a shirt and tie to work, or if I'm really trying to look grown up, a sport coat. Do they still call them "sport coats" when it's just a jacket that isn't part of a matching suit? That's what my Dad always called them and he's been an adult for my entire life. He's really good at it. Despite trying to look like an adult, two parts of my attire have had a hard time growing up. You know how every office has that guy with all the zany ties? That's me. I'm that guy. I have a collection of over 100 ties, at least 75% of which have a cartoon character, work of art, or some other inane subject matter, such as a Slinky. Some people are so foolish as to believe that because I work with kids I wear the ties for the kids.

The other part of my wardrobe that has never fully grown up is my shoes. If I can get away with the khaki pants, blue oxford shirt, and white sneakers look, I do so as often as possible. On the days when I have to talk to adults and can't get away with sneakers, my concession to adulthood has been loafers. They're kind of adult shoes in that they're shiny, made of leather and have small heels, but they still satisfy the kid in me because they don't have laces and I can just slip them on like that comfortable pair of sneakers we all have that fit so well that we never bother to lace them up. A couple days ago I decided that I needed a new pair of dress shoes. After a year or two of dedicated service my loafers were finally looking kind of ratty. I went to a couple stores looking for a nice pair of loafers just like my old ones. In one store I found a pair that were similar, but just didn't look nice enough to be worn with adult clothes. Right next to them on the shelf for a little bit more money was a nice looking pair of dress shoes with...gasp...laces! They were black and shiny with narrow, almost pointy ends. They looked like the kind of shoes sharp dressed businessmen wore. "Damn," I thought to myself. "Those would look really good at the bottom of a nice pair of dress pants that has a crease so sharp you could cut yourself." The shoes sleek lines would go well with a shirt and tie outfit or with a suit, if I ever bought one. "I'll be fit for the cover of GQ," I thought. So I bought them.

I took them home and put them on to wear around the house all evening so I could break them in. Then, the next day I wore them to work. After ten hours in my new adult shoes I had blisters. Despite their classic style and professional look, the shoes and adulthood still seem to be a poor fit for me. I wonder if I can return them both?

It's Election Day!

Only two years until my coronation as President. In celebration of that mark I'd like to introduce a new Phil Law. The new law is in regards to the quarterly State of The Union address and political ads. I believe that the Presidential State of The Union broadcasts should only be broadcast on one channel and never during the prime time viewing hours between 8:00 pm and 11:00 pm. With all the options available on cable television no one who doesn't want to watch the broadcast does anyway, so why disrupt our favorite shows? That only serves to make us angrier at the President. To be fair to everyone the broadcast could take turns, rotate through the major networks. Also, for those that don't have cable television, unless they just want to turn their t.v. off and spend the evening like Amish families, they're stuck watching the President drone on. Of course when I am President you can bet that my State of The Union adresses will be a lot more entertaining than any previous President.

As for the time of the broadcast? Put it on during the evening news. That will be the next days top story anyway, so why not just make it that nights live news?

I also believe that political ads should not be aired during family shows or childrens shows. Our children will have enough time to learn that politicians aren't trustworthy, why cram it down their throats every 8 minutes during Dancing With The Stars and Spongebob?

It's Time To Share

Yup, I'm doing another tag. I guess I've grown to appreciate the positive in sharing my sincere thoughts and feelings. Either that, or I haven't had any time to write anything. I got this from Natalia's blog.

1. Explain what ended your last relationship? I was too much man for her of course.

2. When was the last time you shaved? Which part of my body?

3. What were you doing this morning at 8 a.m.? Working on a cure for cancer.

4. What were you doing 15 minutes ago? I was in the shower. See question number 2.

5. Are you any good at math? I grew up with a mental block regarding math stemming from my difficulty with division in Mrs. Walker's 3rd grade class. Much later in life, like after college I figured it out.

6. Your prom night? The usual.

7. Do you have any famous ancestors? I'm the one all my relatives point to as their famous ancestor.

8. Have you had to take a loan out for school? Yes, and I paid it off using the riches I earned from writing this blog.

9. Do you know the words to the song on your myspace profile? Myspace?!!? Are you kidding? That's a meat market for pedofiles. I don't go there.

10. Last thing received in the mail? My Cheese of the Month.

11. How many different beverages have you had today? It's only 7:30. I've had coffee.

12. Do you ever leave messages on peoples answering machine? Yes, very clear and concise ones, unlike Kater Bannix.

13. Who did you lose your CONCERT virginity to? Michael Jackson. Oh wait, did you say CONCERT virginity. I'm sorry.

14. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach? No, other people draw my name in the sand with their toes. I find it everywhere. It's kind of creepy.

15. What was the most painful dental procedure you have had? I had one wisdom tooth in my entire head and they had to break it out piece by piece with a small hammer and chisel.

16. What is out your back door? A timeless void that leads to other dimensions. I never know where I might end up.

17. Any plans for Friday night? Not yet, who's offering?

18. Do you like what the ocean does to your hair? I wonder if the ocean likes what my hair does to it.

19. Have you ever received one of those big tins of 3 different popcorns? No, I send them to everyone who reads my blog. Get ready for Christmas!

20. Have you ever been to a planetarium? Yes, I like the "you are here" sign.

21. Do you re-use towels after you shower? Yes I do. I make elaborate sculptures out of them much like origami.

22. Some things you are excited about? Comments on my blog.

23. What is your favorite flavor of JELLO? Green of course.

24. Describe your keychain(s) A ring with keys and a flash drive on it.

26. Where do you keep your change? Anywhere but on my person.

29. Do you sleep with the door to your room open or closed? It depends ; )

For those of you who want to know what it's like to have a conversation with me in real life, this is essentially it. I'm a smart ass 24/7.

30. Did U read this far? Consider yourself tagged (you know, if you wanna do it)!!

It's A Hands Free World

The new Lexus LS commercial where the car parallel parks itself got me to thinking about how lazy the human race has become. Over the last 20 years many simple, almost effortless daily tasks have been taken over by technology. Television remote controls mean we don't even have to put down the Cheetos to make the long trek across the room to change the channel. Our cars apparently can look up directions, parallel park, and tell us if they're having mechanical difficulties by sending us an e-mail. Because the process of reaching into our freezer to get ice was so labor intensive we now have refrigerators that pour ice right out of the front of the door. In fact the other day I saw a refrigerator that has a television built right into the door. I have satellite radio in my car. It came with a remote control in case it's too difficult for me to reach all the way over to the radio to change the station. Goober Grape? Peanut butter and jelly in one jar means I don't have to open 2 whole jars to make a sandwich. The time I save on that alone has probably added years of pleasurable activity to my life.

You know how over the course of evolution species often gradually change shape and size to meet the changing needs in their environment? I imagine that if technology continues to take over menial day to day tasks for us we'll eventually have no use for our arms and legs, making us into an entire planet full of slug-like Jabba The Hut creatures. In fact, I've heard of women who often try to use technology to replace men entirely. That is why only men should be taught math and sciences. No good can come of this.