It's a Bird! It's a Plane! It's Captain Retrospect!

We all know Captain Retrospect. Captain Retrospect is that super-hero in everyone’s life who has the uncanny ability to point out your mistakes and then tell you what they would have done had they been in your shoes. Sometimes we work with Captain Retrospect, sometimes we’re married to him or her and sometimes we’re just friends with Captain Retrospect. Regardless of where we encounter Captain Retrospect, we are always annoyed by him or her.

Captain Retrospect is especially annoying at work as either your co-worker or supervisor. Captain Retrospect especially likes using his or her special powers in public situations, such as a staff meeting or in front of a customer. “Oh…you’re never going to get that done by the deadline. You know what I would’ve done? I would have pre-ordered extra copies of Form 1742G and then forwarded them in anticipation of the deadline. That way you could have completed the inventory long before now.”

I think we all had Captain Retrospect as a childhood friend. As you’re being carried home by Captain Retrospect and another friend, Captain Retrospect, whose powers were evident early in life, usually said something like, “I knew you never should have jumped off that tree. I was just about to tell you there was a fence below you.” We all also had Captain Retrospect as a close friend in college too, didn’t we? “Dude! There is no way I would have done that. I totally knew the cops were going to show up. What were you thinking?” At this point Captain Retrospect is usually lucky we were already in handcuffs.

In a relationship Captain Retrospect is especially dangerous. Captain Retrospect can be either a guy or a girl. “I knew it wouldn’t work. I wanted to try the other thing and now you’re feelings are all hurt. Well it’s not my fault. You should have listened to me.” Or perhaps Captain Retrospect is a friend who offers helpful commentary on your relationships: “You should have dumped him a long time ago. I knew he was a player, but I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to hurt your feelings. How could you not see the signs?”

Is it any wonder that Captain Retrospect never got invited to join the Superfriends?

Mission Accomplished!

How does that quote go? "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." Maybe I should coin a new phrase: "Hell hath no fury like a group of women bloggers who were offended by a man." Wow! My last post seems to be the literary equivalent of throwing a rock at a hornets nest! And don't think for a minute that I didn't enjoy the reaction. Boy was that fun! I assure you all that I was completely tongue-in-cheek kidding as I wrote that post. Although I was using humor, I did want to make the point that a lot of blogs too often turn into vehicles for man bashing. If an alien were to come to our planet and use blogs as their way of learning about our culture they would get the impression that all women hate all men. I'm sorry I wasn't able to respond to all your comments. I was away for the weekend. I'll have a new, more conventional post tomorrow, that is if you're all not too mad at me to come back.

The Key To Happiness? Lower Your Expectations

I work with a lot of women and I’ve spent a lot of time touring the blogiverse over the past year. The impression I get is that almost all women are chronically unhappy with men in general. Women seem to blame men for their unhappiness. There is always something wrong with men isn’t there? “Men don’t tell you their feelings enough.” “There are no good men out there.” “All men whine too much when they’re sick.” “He forgot my birthday.” “Why doesn’t he call the day after a date/sexual encounter?”

I’m wondering, has it ever occurred to woman-kind that perhaps the problem is not with men, but with your expectations of us? I don’t curse my dog because she never changes the oil in my car. She can’t. She doesn’t have the physical or mental capability for the job. If you’re unhappy with men, maybe you need to examine whether or not your expectations are realistic. Men treat women very fairly in this regard. Have you ever once heard a man complain because a woman couldn’t open a jar of pickles? You'll find that if you lower your expectations you'll be happier more often and pleasantly surprised when we exceed your standards. Schools grade everyone on a bell curve, why can't women?

Lance Bass Is Gay?

What?!!? No way! I did not see this coming! An N'Sync member gay? Gosh, Lance seemed so manly when he was dancing in unison with the other guys. He was a choreographers dream! Also I just put this here so that I'll get like a zillion page hits from Google searches. Admit it, you wish you thought of it first. If a few of them read further to enjoy The Phil Factor then my ridiculous little ploy worked. If I'm lucky I may even get some hate mail.

The Sixth Sense of Humor

As I told you in The Golden Boy Chronicles over the past few weeks, the town near my summer cottage is a very small, rural town. So small it doesn’t even have a single traffic light. So rural that it is not unusual to run into Amish folks now and then. As is the case with most of us, I am fascinated with the Amish because their lifestyle is so different from my own. My kids however do not share my fascination. They’re at an age where the Amish make them uneasy because of their differences. Based on my kids’ behavior, I’m pretty sure the peace-loving Amish feel the same way about them.

A few weeks ago we were driving through the town when we noticed a July 4th Arts and Crafts Festival going on in front of the high school. As usual, there were a few booths run by Amish families selling homemade crafts and goods. My 11 year old son commented on his discomfort around the Amish and then, in a small whisper from the back seat I hear, “I see Amish people.” It was my 8 year old. I could not have been more proud of him and of myself at that moment.

The Phil Factor: Brought To You By The Makers of Levitra!

I’m a sports fan. It used to be that sporting events were just sporting events that took place in ordinary stadiums named after a dead guy or the city they’re in. Thanks to the advent of corporate sponsorship, the names of sporting events or venues that are decades old have suddenly turned into events or places we no longer recognize. As annoying as it is to those of us who enjoy the history and tradition of the sports we love, sometimes the comedy Gods smile on us by providing the perfect pairing of event and corporate sponsor. I believe such an event took place last month.

The Cialis Western Open is a professional golf tournament that occurred a few weeks ago. When Buick or Cadillac sponsors a golf tournament each player gets the use of a company car for the week. What do they get when an erectile dysfunction medication sponsors the tournament? Maybe Cialis has a car shaped like a penis. The Oscar Mayer hot dog company has the wiener-mobile, why not Cialis? I didn’t watch the tournament, but I would have loved to have been one of the commentators.

Commentator 1: Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen and welcome to our coverage of the Cialis Western Open. I’ll be your host and alongside me is our color commentator Phil Factor. Phil, could you give us a quick run-down on the challenges this course could present for the players?

Phil: I would love to. First off, the Cialis is a much harder course than some of the older players are used to. It starts right off the bat as you’re playing into a stiff wind going into the first hole. The greens are tricky and the players will have to be good with their putter if they want to get it in the hole with a minimum number of strokes.

Obviously I could and would go on and on, but you get the idea.

The Wedding Crashers Part III

Earlier I alluded to the fact that Gooby giving me drinks with 151 rum all night was a bad idea. It was a very bad idea. Admittedly, I'm a lightweight when it comes to drinking. Gooby works on his tolerance like it's a job. I don't have time for that. I'm too busy writing this blog. After we returned to my cottage I somehow got separated from my two friends. Fearful I had lost them somewhere in the woods I went in search of them. There are no streetlights where my cottage it. It's pitch black outdoors at 1:00 in the morning. Tonight there was no moon either. Usually there's no sound but the waves of the lake lapping at the shore. Tonight however, there was a new sound. A sound I don't usually hear at night, music. Like a moth to a flame I was drawn to it. I figured that if there was a party somewhere my friends had probably found it. I stumbled down the little dirt road in the dark, following the music and as I went further, seeing light peeking between the trees at the dead end. Despite the small road coming to a dead end I could hear the music loudly now and see lights through the trees. Without hesitation I walked straight towards the music, through the woods, brambles and branches clawing at me. I was determined that nothing would stop me from finding my lost, drunken friends. As I neared the edge of the trees I couldn't believe what I saw. A wedding reception! Two in one night, what are the chances I thought?

I swayed uncertainly on the edge of the clearing, not seeing my friends, but just as certain that if there was a party going on they must be somewhere in the midst of it. Then like a bolt from the blue I spied her. Someone I knew was out here, at a wedding reception in the woods, 45 minutes from home. My long, lost love! Ok, no, it wasn't. I'm kidding. It was the woman from the Human Resources office at work. If I still had any sense I would have taken my big, drunk head and hidden in the woods so that no one from work would see me in this condition. Of course I didn't have any sense and I swayed and weaved my way right into that wedding reception to talk to her. I talked to her for probably ten minutes. Other than explaining that I was looking for my friends I have no idea what else I said before I wandered off through the obstacle course of tables and dancers (but not table dancers)while I looked for my friends. Not finding my friends, but also not being forcibly ejected from the reception, I pushed my way back through the woods and down the dark, dirt road shouting my friends name.

When I finally returned to my little cottage what did I find there? My friends of course. Tom had turned in for the night, but Gooby was willing to accompany me back down the road to see the wedding reception. It was after 1 a.m. by now but I was still able to follow the music back to it's source. Gooby however still had a little more sense than I and kept me from re-joining the reception. We made our way back down the quiet, dark road, but not before Gooby picked me up from the ground twice. Once because apparently gravity was particularly strong in that spot and the other time because I was attempting to climb over a fence while Gooby found and opened the gate mere feet away from me. There are no more stories from that night except for the fact that at two different times both Tom and I had walked foreheads first into a closed sliding glass door.

The Wedding Crashers Part II

We didn’t set out to crash a wedding. Fate had just put a wedding reception right in our path. We really had no choice. We may be The Golden Boys, but who are we to say no to fate? It was more like the wedding crashed into us at we sat at the bar. Notice I didn't say that we sat at the bar minding our own business? The bar was moderately busy, but most of the wedding action was going on outside in the party area. It was your typical wedding reception with a DJ and dancing. But if you recall, I did mention that no wedding reception is typical when you mix in The Golden Boys.

Although the true wedding party was outside, the bar was inside and the three of us had found three prime seats front and center at the bar. Throughout the evening guests and members of the wedding party came to the bar to get their drinks. As they did, we made friends with them. Or so we thought. Gooby, Tom, and I began the day drinking beer, but at some point the boys, definitely not me, got the idea that we should switch to liquor. With our brains and bodies full of alcohol we became even more gregarious than usual. A woman at the bar had one of those light up ice cubes that sparkles and changes colors as it sits in your drink. I tried to buy it from her for $20. As members of the wedding party came in we talked and took pictures of all of them with us, bride included. They were happy to oblige. We're The Golden Boys after all. The bartender even scored a piece of wedding cake for us. As I said, we took pictures of all of the members of the wedding party with us. Even the flower girl and ring bearer who had been sent in to fetch drinks. This turned out to be the second big mistake of the night. The first was Gooby feeding me as many drinks as he did. Apparently one of the kids went back to their father, the groom, and said that the strange men at the bar took their picture. As I said earlier, this golf course and bar is in a little, redneck, podunk town in the middle of nowhere. Despite the fact that someone had rented a few tuxedos, these were still rednecks. Perhaps they were fearful of someone besides them sleeping with their children, but the groom and best man came into the bar puffing out their chests demanding to see the camera. While Tom obliged, Gooby quickly paid the bar tab and hustled Tom and I out of there before the locals got their torches and pitchforks. Of course we had to stop to take the Caddyshack picture below.

But of course, the night wasn't over yet....

A Couple of Random Pictures

The top pic is of us in front of a Caddyshack poster at the bar. We thought that was perfect for us. The bottom pic is there because Gooby wanted you to see his pecs.

The Wedding Crashers: A Golden Boy Adventure Part I

Golden Boy Weekend 2006 began with the angry bark of my dog alerting me that strangers were at my door. The poor dog had no idea how strange. We greeted each other as we always do, with the secret Golden Boy handshake. It was when I looked down to take Tom’s hand that I noticed their feet. Actually, it wasn’t their feet I noticed. After knowing them over 30 years I now take it for granted that they have feet at the bottom ends of their legs. Tom and Goob however, are not taking their feet for granted anymore. On their feet they were wearing what they referred to as “Crocs.” Crocs are made of rubber, but look just like the wooden shoes you see in stereotypical pictures of Dutch kids standing next to windmills. Tom’s were a faded yellow and Goob’s were a bright traffic cone orange and were obviously brand spankin’ new that morning. After I recovered from the shock, my feet and their feet helped the rest of our bodies load up Goob’s truck with enough beer to intoxicate a small country. We arrived at my little summer cottage on the lake in the early afternoon, had a few beers on the deck and then as always, headed straight for the golf course for the 2006 Nipple Ring Open. That’s when the real adventure began.

The golf course we went to is a very small, haphazardly maintained course that we like because it isn’t the type of place that puts on airs. Some courses charge you a small fortune to walk on their fairways and insist you adhere to a strict dress code. This is definitely not one of those places. This year however the course had added an outdoor party area and their clubhouse was now a fully functioning bar. As we pulled into the parking lot of our quiet little golf course we were stunned to see that it was almost completely full. Being The Golden Boys we know we‘ve got our loyal fans, but we’d never had this many people come out to see us play. It turns out that someone was having a wedding reception at our golf course! Can you say ‘opportunity’ boys and girls? Good, I knew you could.

The reception hadn’t started when we arrived. We walked in, paid our greens fees and as we were exiting the clubhouse the bride was stepping out of a limo to make her grand entrance. As far as brides go, I’ve seen better, but since there were only three Golden Boys I felt obligated to invite her to make us a foursome. It was her big day after all. As the bride politely turned down my magnanimous offer and swept past us Tom snapped her picture. We then headed to the course to play our own special brand of mediocre golf.

The round of golf began fairly normally, but after a few holes Tom suggested that whoever wins each hole gets to make up a rule that we must all obey through the duration of the next hole. It started innocently enough with the first rule being that we had to play the next hole with only our wedge. The wedge hole was followed by the shirtless hole which was then followed by the wedgie hole. We each hit our drives off the tee with our shorts around our ankles. The next hole we took a very sexually suggestive picture with a bear sculpture that was on the course. (Yes, we have pictures of all of this and eventually some of those pictures will make their way here) All this sounds like fun, but unbeknownst to us the real fun had yet to begin. We finished our round and decided to have a few drinks at the bar.

Coming Soon To a Theater Near You: The Golden Boys Movie

Los Angeles (UPI) Columbia Pictures announced today that it has entered into a contractual agreement with four previously unknown New York men to produce a series of three feature length films based on their lives. The films will be loosely based on a series of humorous online stories posted by one of the men. In today’s bizarre press conference announcing the unusual project, a Columbia Pictures media representative, who took the podium wearing only a brown paper bag and a pair of boxer shorts stated, “You are totally going to love these films. This has summer blockbuster written all over it.” When asked to describe the previously anonymous subjects of the film, the representative, joined by three similarly clad men who jumped up from the back row of the media throng, shouted “They’re young. They’re tough, and they’re good looking.” The three men then stormed the stage and carried the Columbia pictures spokesperson out of the room on their shoulders while repeatedly chanting their mantra. The men were last seen speeding away from studio headquarters in a maroon PT Cruiser.

Based on Columbia Pictures previous press releases the series of films had garnered so much pre-filming industry buzz that they were fielding offers from several Oscar winning actors who wanted to play The Golden Boys. According to rumors from sources within Columbia, the four New York men the films are based upon demanded the right to choose who plays them in the movie. Here is the original cast list that was given to the media at today’s press conference:

Flip- Matthew Broderick
Gooby- Tom Cruise
Chuck- Owen Wilson
Tom- Matthew McConnahauy

Shortly after today’s public announcement, Columbia Pictures issued a second press release which stated: “Contrary to today’s earlier announcement, all of the characters of The Golden Boys will be played by The Golden Boys themselves. Contractually the men do have the final decision on casting and have expressed to studio executives that they feel that none of the actors are “as good looking or talented as we are.” An unnamed studio executive, who was reached by phone would only give us this comment, “We’re probably screwed on this one. Those guys are idiots. They demanded to be paid in beer.”

That's it everyone. I'm off for the annual Golden Boy Weekend. I may not post again until Tuesday, if I survive.

All I Ever Need To Know I Learned From The Golden Boys

Here is my equivalent of "All I Ever Needed To Know I Learned In Kindergarten." These are things that I've learned in the company of my friends over the years:

1. More often than not, a group of shirtless men walking through an affluent Chicago neighborhood will result in a call to the police by someone.

2. If you wake up to find people eating whipped cream and strawberries off of your body, lie very still until they're done.

3. The wedding receptions are much more fun than the rest of the marriage.

4. If you drink alcohol you are not responsible for your own actions. They are.

5. If something bad happens to you when you're sleeping, naked, or drunk, it's your own fault for getting that way in the first place.

6. There is nothing you can do that is too stupid. (This one could include an extensive list attached which would include several misdemeanors.)

All in all though, if there are "The 5 People You Meet in Heaven," I want the first three to be the rest of the Golden Boys. After that I choose Stephen King and whomever leaves the most comments on my blog.

A Public Service Announcement

I realize that this past week and a half has been very self-indulgent. I promise that after the big Golden Boy Weekend I'll go back to my usual inane type of stuff. I'm also sorry that I haven't had the time to keep up with responding to all your comments and visiting your blogs this week. I appreciate all of you who are enjoying the trip down memory lane with me and my warped way of paying tribute to my friends. It is imperative however that you read every post and look at the pictures closely because in the back ground of one you can see Tom and Katie's new baby. I can't tell you which picture it is because they swore me to secrecy. Don't miss the new post below this because it could be the one!

The Golden Boys (From The Best of Phil DVD)

I apologize to my long-time readers who will recognize this and several other posts from the next two weeks. Not all of my posts from the next two weeks will be repeats, but at this time of year I have to pay tribute to my friends. This year I know how to add pictures, so hopefully the stories will be more entertaining.

This series of posts will undoubtedly be funnier to my friends and I than any of you, but some bits of my annual pilgrimage may be worth a chuckle for everyone else. First, let me explain who The Golden Boys are. In our minds we are The Golden Boys. At least that's how we think of ourselves. Not because of any special qualities we have, or because of any of us has led a particularly charmed life. We are four fairly normal, middle-aged men who have been together our entire lives. We can't remember a time when we didn't know each other. We want to think we're special. Like all men our age, we still believe that if we had the time to train we could become professional athletes or crime fighting super-heroes. Despite a sprinkle of gray hair beginning to show or abs that aren't as defined as we'd like to imagine, we still fantasize that we can turn the ladies heads. We'd dubbed ourselves The Golden Boys when we were just barely past puberty. The name "The Golden Boys" was borrowed from a skit on a show called Fridays back around 1980. In the skit, there were two guys with gaudy blonde wigs and some sort of professional wrestler costumes accented by a gold bikini. The motto of The Golden Boys that was uttered by the pair in unison at the conclusion of each skit was, "We're young. We're tough, and we're good looking!" So needless to say, my friends and I adopted the name Golden Boys for ourselves and we began to shout the motto whenever we were together. We still do when we're drinking.

My "Golden Boys" include Tom, Gooby, Chuck, and myself. That's us, in that order from left to right in the photo at the top. We all grew up on the same street in four consecutive houses. I have known all of them over 30 years. Once a year for the past 15 years or so we all try to make it back to Syracuse, N.Y. for a weekend of drunken revelry and pining for the glory days of our youth. This year it will occur in about 2 weeks and will actually be at my little summer cottage in a tiny town in the middle of nowhere. The locals have no idea what they're in for. I will not divulge the specific days here so as not to alert the authorities to what might be going on. The weekend is typically one of the highlights of my year. Over the next two weeks I'll introduce you to each of the Golden Boys and regale you with tales of our past indiscretions. After reading some of my stories last year a fellow blogger commented that we were "like the kids from Stand By Me, but on crack." I guess that's as good a description as any. I hope you enjoy the stories as much as I do. By the way, we have a secret handshake that we still use.

Due to the holiday weekend I won't be posting again until Wednesday.

A Quick Announcement

Three things. 1) Since I have so many stories about The Golden Boys I will be posting daily from now until next Friday. B)For the few of you who think that these are just re-runs, I am updating each post in some way, either with a picture or new words. Don't think of them as re-runs, consider them new and improved! 3) Yes, before any of you puts it in a comment, I know that our nickname "The Golden Boys" sounds like the title of a gay porn movie. D)There's a brand new post beneath this, go read it before it melts.