You Are So Narcissistic!

Yes, you! I'm talking to you. Sitting there so smugly staring at your computer screen. I know you can't see me, but I'm staring right back on my side with a finger pointing accusingly at you. You're saying, "But Phil," which is a strange thing to say to yourself unless you're me, "how could I be narcissistic? Aren't narcissists self-centered, egotistical, bastards who only care about themselves?" Yes they are, and you're one of them. So am I. So is everyone who writes a blog. Let's see a show of hands. How many of you reading this write your blog for altruistic reasons? Hmmm...give me a moment to count. One, two, oh, sorry, I guess you were just scratching. What's that, you in the glasses were yawning and stretching? Still waiting to see a hand raised. Bueller? Bueller? Here's a little psychology lesson for you. Narcissists live to get affirmation from others. Isn't that what we're all doing here? We write because we want to be read, to be heard, to be recognized by another human being.

When I started my blog I had no idea about the comments or how they worked. I didn't even know there were comments. I had no idea how people would find my blog. I just imagined that if I wrote a blog, random people surfing the internet would read it and be happy. I was happy with that. That way I imagined that there might be thousands worldwide enjoying my wit and wisdom. Then I discovered comments! Now I'm hooked. Hi, my name is Phil and I'm addicted to comments. Everybody: "Hi Phil!"

Don't be ashamed. Embrace your inner narcissism. Express your every thought on the world wide web secure in the knowledge that someone somewhere will read it and think you are brilliant. Having a bad day? Need confirmation that your boss or your significant other was wrong to treat you that way? Do you need someone to say they're the crazy ones, it's not you? Go ahead and post away. We're here for you and we love you.

5 Phil Quirks

This is a tag. It is only a tag. If this had been a real self-disclosure you'd have been notified where in your area to tune to for emergency information. I've been tagged by Michelle to reveal "weird" things about myself. I can't say that I have anything seriously weird about me, but I have a few minor quirks. Here they are:

1. When an ATM machine asks me if I'd like a receipt for my transaction I always push "no" in the hope that if it doesn't print out a receipt, the machine may forget to deduct the money from my account.

2. I was a blue baby. Not blue as in depressed. I was the color blue.

3. I have a scar shaped like a wishbone. This will come in handy if any of you has to identify my body at the morgue.

4. I was born with only one wisdom tooth in my entire head. This fact won't help you to identify me at the morgue because I had it removed.

5. I have never eaten a pickle in my life.

Me Funny. Auto Mechanic...Not So Much.

I'll be the first to admit that I'm very manly. However, I'm not manly enough to lift my car over my head to see why my front tire is making a noise that sounds like your washing machine would if you threw a bowling ball in during the spin cycle. So I took my car to a big chain garage who's name rhymes with Tirestone. I went home to wait for the call asking me to approve repairs that are likely to cost more than the gross national product of a third world country. The dreaded call came about an hour later. "Hello Mr. Phil? Yes, this is Sparky McDipstick down at Tirestone. We checked your car out and it's going to cost one thousand dollars. Ha! Just kidding." His delivery was so impeccably deadpan that my hear rate didn't even hiccup. What I thought: Great. I'll bet that never gets old. What I said, "Yeah, Ok, what is it?" Apparently encouraged by my overwhelming response to his first attempt at humor he decided to try again. Sparky McDipstick replied, "Well Mr. Phil after we do yadda, yadda, yadda, it comes to three thousand dollars." Can you say justifiable homicide boys and girls? Good. I knew you could. I wonder if Mr. Funny Auto Mechanic would enjoy it if the roles were reversed some day. If he ever needs to bring his kid to me for therapy I think I'll conclude the first session by saying, "I'm sorry Mr. Dipstick, but your son is a paranoid schizophrenic and we're going to have to lock him up for his own safety. Ha! Just kidding!" Can you say poetic justice boys and girls? Good. I knew you could.

The Guy Code of Conduct

Men are complicated beings. So complicated in fact, that it's entirely possible that we are a completely different species than women, evolved from alien beings who once colonized the planet. I'm pretty sure that the aliens came here in search of women. We are so complicated that we've established an extensive set of rules by which to lead our lives. None of these rules have ever been written down. What I am about to do here may get me kicked out of the club. One of the rules is that we are never to explain the rules to women. There is one caveat to that rule. There is one rule that supersedes every other rule in The Guy Code of Conduct:

1. "You can break any rule in The Code or in any country in the world, if you are trying to score with a chick." Yes, it actually says "chick" in our book. Don't blame me, I didn't write it. The Guy Code was actually found carved into two stone tablets dating back thousands of years that were discovered in a cave. I believe that the author of the rules was some guy named Adam. Now I'm skirting the rules here because of course you all know that I'm so sensitive and intellectual that I'd never use my blog to hit on women. I would never corrupt my art in that way. Men the world over respect each other's need to sometimes break the laws of their country in order to pursue a women whom we desire. Why do you think Clarence Thomas was elected to the Supreme Court despite the allegations of sexual harassment at a former job? In our meeting we did severely reprimand him for the harassment and he was given lessons on how to talk to women respectfully. We didn't want him to go around embarrassing us like that. Bill Clinton got away with the whole Monica Lewinsky thing didn't he? Granted, there's no accounting for taste. No doubt I could go on and on listing crimes that men have allowed other men to get away with simply because the end goal was pursuing a woman.

2. "Never explain the rules to women. If they understood us they might enslave us. Until they explain their rules to us, we're not explaining ourselves to them. For exceptions to rule number 2, see rule number 1."

This may be the first in a series of posts revealing The Guy Code of Conduct. If any of you have specific questions about the unexplained behavior of guys, let me know and I'll bet I can come up with an explanation based on a rule in The Code.

Thoughts That Haunt Me at Night

1. I've recently seen ads for chewing gum that whitens teeth. What a great idea! What's next, cigarettes that freshen breath and fight lung cancer? I can't wait for the beer that will give me six-pack abs and fight liver disease.

2. If the woman on the T.V. show Medium is such a good psychic, why don't they call her Large?

3. If I run out of ideas to write about and I just ramble off the top of my head here, will people still read my blog. I guess I'm about to find out.

4. Why are there so many Canadian and Australian bloggers? I think those countries produce more bloggers per capita than any other country. What do these two countries have in common that causes so many people to blog? (I had a joke here disparaging one of those two countries, but because I hold my online friends from those two countries in such high esteem I decided to keep it to myself)

5. Why doesn't some newspaper editor stumble across my blog, realize what a brilliant talent I am and immediately offer me a syndicated newspaper column?

More Amish Hijinks

For those of you not from the States or not familiar with the Amish, they are a group of people who due to their personal and religious beliefs have eschewed the modern lifestyle. They live the same way they did over 100 years ago. They don't use electricity. They ride everywhere in black horse drawn carriages. Their traditions also dictate that clothes be plain and not draw attention to the wearer by cut, color, or any other distinction. They are opposed to buttons and mustaches because they associate them with the military. The older Amish are also opposed to photographs. They live on farms in rural areas and try to hide from society until they want to charge us $400 for a handmade quilt. Bottom line, these folks are more conservative than Rush Limbaugh. There's your history lesson, now let's make fun of them!

An Ohio man was given 4 years in prison for extortion earlier this week. Not a big deal right? The interesting twist to the story is that he blackmailed a 75 year old Amish widower out of $67,000. The obvious questions is, what could a 75 year old Amish man have to hide? The second most obvious question is, what old Amish guy has $67,000 laying around to pay off blackmailers? Apparently the 41 year old Ohio man, Patrick Landsdowne, had photos of the old Amish man soliciting a prostitute and he threatened to post the photos on the internet if the old Amish guy didn't start handing over his life's savings. Amish are also like the black vulture and the French angel fish in that they mate for life. I wonder if the French angel fish hires a hooker if their mate passes away? (Get it, fish, hook! I slay myself, I really do)

I have a lot of questions about this. This was obviously not the smartest Amish guy ever. If none of his friends have electricity, who the hell cares if his picture is on the internet? No one he knows will see it. And if Amish guys are like regular guys, I'm betting they're out behind the barn smoking pipes and saying things like, "Ezekiel, I hear thee raised your barn with a trollop from the big city. Dude, that is ballsy with a capital B. Way to go! Up high! (high fives all around)

Do you suppose this old guy just pulled up to a street corner in his horse and buggy to pick up the 'ho? I'm guessing the if the police wanted to arrest him for this they'd have a pretty easy time with the high speed chase. The arrest of the blackmailer was made after the Amish guys son was notified by the bank that his dad had suddenly been withdrawing large sums of money. The old guy forked over all his money because he didn't want his picture on the internet. Guess where I read the story? Yup, same place as you're reading it now. I wonder if the Amish get irony?

Britney and Kevin Sitting In A Tree...

God, I hope those two idiots don't sit in a tree. They'd probably drop their baby from it. News broke today that Child Welfare Services and a sheriff's deputy paid a visit to the home of Mr. and Mrs. Spears yesterday. Apparently last week Mr. and Mrs. Britney brought their 6 month old child to the hospital after he had fallen from his high chair. In February of this year Child Welfare Services also visited the esteemed couple after Britney was photographed driving with her then 4 month old child in her lap. This kid already has two strikes against him named Britney and Kevin, the last thing he needs is a head injury.

I rarely venture too far into serious political or social commentary here, but today I think I will. I think that there should be some kind of intelligence test before people are allowed to reproduce. I'm not saying that people with I.Q.'s a tad on the low side shouldn't be able to reproduce. You don't have to be smart to be a good parent, you need to have common sense. My Parenting Intelligence Test (PIT) would have prospective parents answer a series of sample questions to test their parenting common sense. Here are a few sample questions:

1. If you are a heavy drinker and you've just discovered that you're pregnant you should:
A) Stop drinking alcohol until after the child is born
B) Drink light beer.
C) Find out who the father is
D) Marry a random back-up dancer and tell him the child is his

2. If your newborn child should awaken crying during the night you should:
A) Check to see if the infant needs to be fed or changed
B) Tell him/her to stop
C) Close the door
D) Tell Kevin that if he wants to keep living in your house he damn well better go take care of that kid.

3. If you are driving your car your child should be:
A) Strapped securely into his car seat.
B) Riding on your lap
C) Home with Kevin. Why would I want to go out in public looking all motherly?
D) Driving the car. I've probably already had too much to drink.

4. Your child seems to cry quite often. Too soothe him/her you could:
A) Rock him gently and sing to him.
B) Give him/her a pacifier.
C) Put him in a child swing
D) Tell him/her that Kevin Federline really isn't his father.

Does This Make My Ass Look Fat?

C'mon, who didn't love the title to this post? I’m a guy. I carry all my important stuff in a wallet. My post last week dealt with the fact that my willingness to buy a box of wine may indicate that it’s marginally possible that I might not be as young and hip as I used to be. My wallet is also starting to tell me that I’m getting older. You know how you can tell the age of a tree by drilling a hole and counting the rings? You can do the same thing with a man’s wallet. In fact the older a man is, the less likely it is that he’ll notice you drilling a hole in his enormous wallet as it sticks out of his ass like a big, square tumor. We’ve all seen the men who carry their gargantuan wallets in their back pocket. It looks like they’ve got a car battery in their pants. It’s a built in booster seat. I imagine that these guys must look like they’re 7 feet tall when they’re sitting down. My problem is that I’m starting to accumulate “stuff” in my wallet. I could just stick to the AAA card, the blood donor card and my driver’s license if I really wanted to streamline things, but then I’d have to leave behind my coffee club card, my haircut card (I’m almost at 10 so I get a free one!), my movie rental card, my insurance card, and the receipt for every banking transaction I’ve made in the past year. That stuff is important. What if I’m busy having a cup of coffee while getting my hair cut and I decide I want to rent a movie on my way home? I’d have to check my banking receipts to make sure I had enough money left to rent a movie! The other option is to start carrying luggage everywhere like all the women I work with. We walk out of the office at night and they’ve got a purse, an insulated lunch bag, their water bottle, and some other random bag. I don’t carry that much stuff if I’m going on vacation. If I do carry that much stuff, I put it all in my wallet. If I’m wearing coat that’s a lot, and I only wear a coat if I need something to carry my ever burgeoning wallet in. There is no way I’m wearing my wallet in my back pocket and ruining the look of my firmly rounded buttocks. I worked too damn hard on the stairmaster to hide those bad boys. (Honestly, who did a spit take when they read those last two lines?)

Our Tax Dollars At Work

Earlier this week Brian J. Doyle, 55 years old and the Deputy Press Secretary for the U.S. Department of Homeland Security was arrested for going online and having sexually explicit conversations with and sending pornographic video clips to who he thought was a 14 year old girl. I am ashamed to be an American and more disturbingly, I'm ashamed to be a guy. In addition to violating the laws of the United States and being a repulsive creep, he also violated the "Guy Code of Conduct." We are seriously kicking him out of the club for this. As a public service I will now use the former deputy press secretaries recent faux pas to illustrate the Do's and Don'ts of meeting people online.

Do: Ask if the person you are chatting with goes to school with your grandchildren.
Don't: Talk to anyone who doesn't know what a VHS videotape is.

Do: Assume that if they offer to flash you in exchange for help with their algebra homework, then they're too young for you.
Don't: Give them the answers to their algebra homework! They're only cheating themselves.

Do: If you've got a cool job like working for the government or writing an awesome blog, then try to impress them with it.
Don't: Promise rides in Air Force 1 if you can't back it up. Chicks may dig a sweet ride, but only if it's yours.

Do: Use a made up name in chat rooms.
Don't: Answer the door when the F.B.I. shows up.

Here is a transcript of what I imagine Mr. Doyle's online conversation may have sounded like:

BJD: I saw ur pic in your profile. U R really hot.
Candigrl: Thx. Why isn't there a pic of you in your profile?
BJD: I just figured that since I'm on t.v. all the time I didn't need one.
Candigrl: Wow! UR on t.v.? What do you do?
BJD: I'm the Deputy Press Secretary for the U.S. Dept. of Homeland Security.
Candigrl: UR a secretary? That's weird.
BJD: No! I'm a Press Secretary! I tell the news people what the government is doing. I hang out with George Bush all the time.
Candigrl: My dad says that George Bush is a conservative, right-wing, nutjob.
BJD: Yeah, he'd never have the guts to talk 2 a really hot girl like you.
Candigrl: U really think I'm hot?
BJD: Sure. If you send me a more interesting pic (.)(.) I'll tell you something top secret that will be on the news tomorrow ; )
Candigrl: Umm..ok, go ahead.
BJD: Well, wouldn't it be a shame if Saddam Hussein "accidentally" slipped in his jail cell and sustained a fatal head wound?
Candigrl: What?!!? That's it? I am not going to show you my boobs for Saddam Hussein news. I thought it was going to be about Nick and Jessica!
BJD: BRB, someone's at the door. (long pause) GTG, the F.B.I. is here. They always have something important to tell me. C U L8R : )

Red, Red Wine...

you make me feel so fine.
You keep me rockin' all the time- UB40

I never thought it would come to this. I always thought I was too good, too smart, too prideful to let this happen. Growing up I secretly vowed to myself that I would be different. I would be the exception. It might happen to everyone else, but it wasn't going to happen to me. I was wrong. It is happening to me. I've fought against it my whole life, but I'm tired of fighting. This week I finally gave in. It's not so bad. There haven't been the furtive glances, the finger pointing, or the subtle shakes of the head that I expected. I may still be fighting my conscience, but it's a battle I've already lost. It's painful to admit, but I think it's true. I'm turning into my parents.

Don't we all grow up saying, "I'll never be like my parents"? For me the epiphany that made me realize that my worst fear was coming true was when I bought a box of wine. Two years ago during a routine physical exam my doctor suggested we check my cholesterol. It came back high. His first suggestion was that I drink one glass of red wine each day. My response was, "How about a beer?" Nope, it had to be red wine. Not being a wine drinker I tried to ease the pain by buying fairly good wine. I still spent about a year choking it down like medicine every night. I eventually became accustomed to the taste and began experimenting with different brands, flavors and countries. I soon began to realize that a glass of good wine every day can get a bit pricey. I went a little cheaper now that my palate was used to the taste. I tried the less expensive wines, but still the cost was a bit more than I wanted to shell out regularly. One day I stole a guilty glance in the direction of the boxed wines. What?!!? I get 32 glasses of wine for the price of one good bottle? How could I resist?

Sadly, I now realize that this is but one small step down the slippery slope of turning into my parents. I'd love to write more, but I have to go tell my kids about the old days when telephones were actually attached to the wall by a cord. Right after that I'm going to slip into my plaid shorts, black socks, and sandals and head out to mow my lawn.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

No, it's not my birthday. That's December 23rd for those of you inclined to gift giving. The Phil Factor is one year old today. For that I would like to thank everyone who has ever commented on this blog. Without your encouragement I would have abandoned this project long ago. Although I've enjoyed discovering the fun of writing for others I've also enjoyed meeting so many of you through your blogs. When I make it big and publish a novel you'll all get a mention inside the book cover.

APRIL FOOLS! and Congratulations to Linny!

Yes, it was Linny who correctly deduced that my stalker was nothing but fiction. An April Fools joke I conceived a week ago. I hope no one is mad. I do sincerely appreciate that most of you seemed genuinely concerned for my well-being. I am however a tad surprised at Michelle who scolded me to "stop feeding their ego!" I was hurt that she thought I would be so foolish as to publicize a crazy person's delusional behavior. And really, let's face facts, as much as I want to be famous, I don't think I've quite achieved stalker-worthy status yet. To all of you who are perhaps angry with me or hurt that I would deceive you, I apologize. As I often tell my co-workers, I only joke with the people I really like. That I also mean sincerely. I considered many avenues by which to pull an April Fools prank, but anything else seemed too mean spirited. I thought of fatal illness or possible fame and fortune as avenues for my deception, but both seemed mean to either you or me. I now return you to the regularly scheduled idiocy that usually fills this space.