The Golden Boys Are Coming! (We're Young, we're tough, and we're good looking)

This series of posts will undoubtedly be funnier to my friends and I than any of you, but some bits of my annual pilgrimage may be worth a chuckle for everyone else. First, let me explain who The Golden Boys are. First, "The Golden Boys" was a skit on Saturday Night Live back in the late 70's. In the skit, they were two guys with gaudy blonde wigs and some sort of super hero costumes accented by a gold bikini. The motto of The Golden Boys that was uttered by the pair in unison at the conclusion of each skit was, "We're young. We're tough, and we're good looking!" So needless to say, my friends and I adopted the name Golden Boys for ourselves and we began to shout the motto whenever we were together. My "Golden Boys" include myself, Gooby, Tom, and Chuck. We all grew up on the same street in four consecutive houses. I have known all of them over 30 years. Once a year for the past 15 years or so we all try to make it back to Syracuse, N.Y. for a weekend of drunken revelry and pining for the glory days of our youth. This year it will occur in about 2 weeks. I will not divulge the specific days here so as not to alert the authorities to what might be going on. The weekend is typically one of the highlights of my year. Over the next two weeks I'll introduce you to each of the Golden Boys and regale you with tales of our past indiscretions. When the big weekend finally comes I may even attempt to chronicle our adventures as they happen. By the way, we have a secret handshake that we still use.

The Top Ten Ways To Tell if You Are Addicted To Blogging

10. Going about your normal day you have a random thought that is followed, without pause, by the thought, "I'll have to put that on my blog."

9. Your hear a joke or see a movie and you think to yourself, "I'll bet IdahoBlogWoman274 would think that was funny."

8. You've logged onto your blog from work.

7. You actually think that your thoughts, life, or ideas are so interesting that you've got more than one blog.

6. You've considered upgrading, or actually have upgraded, your computer so that you can improve your blog.

5. The word "blog" is now part of your vocabulary.

4. As I am right now, you write a draft of a blog item and save it so you can improve or add to it before posting it to your blog.

3. When you go on a family vacation you take your laptop with you and berate every helpless desk clerk unfortunate enough to work for a motel with a bad internet connection.

2. As part of your ongoing rant about cell phone people you are considering putting your cell phone number on your blog just to see how many people will call.

1. You think that you're so important that you include you're own name in the title of your blog as if that will cause people to think to themselves, "Oh, a blog by Phil! I'd better go read that."


I'm guilty of many, but not all of these, and I know some of you are guilty of others in this list. Feel free to add some of you're own in the comments. I'd love to hear them.

Cell Phone People Part III

For my feelings about cell phone people scroll back a bit to read Cell Phone People Part 2 and the original Cell Phone People posting (you may have to go to the May archives for that). Needless to say, I'm not a big fan of these public nuisances. Unfortunately I have a problem now. I've was given a nice, shiny, new cell phone for a present recently. My previous cell phone was so prehistoric, by cell phone standards, that I never carried it on my person. Actually, I couldn't carry it on me. It was so big and heavy that I had to lug it around in my car. I kept it in my glove compartment (where I have never kept a single glove), and would only take it out in the event that I needed it to save my own life. The way I would use my cell phone to save my life would be that I could tip it over onto a car jacker, crushing him to death instantly. My cell phone was so old that having a rotary dial on it was an option. I splurged for the touch tone model though. Now, I have a tiny, shiny phone with millions of ring tones and little animated graphics and games. It folds in half and is so small I think I could smuggle it through airport customs in a body cavity. Now I find myself carrying it, opening it to check the time, and occasionally making calls on it. During a normal day I have millions of the inane thoughts that I chronicle here, but only a few make it to my long term memory and then later to this blog. Now I have a device that will allow me to communicate my every thought the moment I have it. As much as I like that idea, I also realize someone would probably have me institutionalized before my minutes ran out. Fortunately for everyone, it's not a camera phone. Today I actually found myself thinking, "Hmmmm...maybe I need one of those earpieces so I can talk on my phone while driving." AAAAAAIIIIIIGHH!!!!! I'm turning into one of them! Someone stop me before I start downloading ring tones of my favorite 80's bands. If I ever figure out how the voicemail operates I'll post my number here so you can all call and leave me messages. That could be funny.

Got A Secret?

I just read about and then visited a very disturbing blog:

www.postsceret.blogspot.com

The guy that runs it receives post cards from people with confessions of their secret thoughts, feelings, wishes etc. Sadly most of the people who send things in seem to be very depressed and disturbed. Some of the things they've written are just horrible to read, and since it's on a post card it's so short that you've read the horrible part before you even knew it was coming, and then you're stuck with it in your head. It's hard to stop reading them once you've started. I'm not a poetry kind of guy, but I know some of you who read my stuff are. Why don't you send in some happy postcard secrets to brighten that site up.

The Similarities Never End (Tom Cruise Part II)

Ok, this it! I've had it! Now I'm seriously convinced Tom Cruise is trying to steal my identity. I'm a therapist who works with children with emotional problems and Tom claims to be a psychiatrist who marries children with emotional problems. This is what he said to Matt Lauer on the Today show today when asked about his criticism of Brooke Shields for taking antidepressants, "You don't know the history of psychiatry. I do," Cruise said. When Matt Lauer stated that he knew people who had benefited from taking Ritalin, Cruise replied, "Matt, Matt, you don't even -- you're glib," Cruise responded. "You don't even know what Ritalin is. If you start talking about chemical imbalance, you have to evaluate and read the research papers on how they came up with these theories, Matt, OK. That's what I've done." Talk about an imbalance! Is it just me, or does anyone else think that perhaps Tom could benefit from some psychiatric medication? I hope poor, little Katie Holmes has good medical insurance, because those private psychiatric hospitals cost a bundle. When asked if he could be with someone at this stage in his life who doesn't have an interest in the Church of Scientology, Cruise told interviewer Matt Lauer: "Scientology is something that you don't understand. It's like you could be a Christian and be a Scientologist." Yeah Tom, that Scientology is doing wonders for your stability. I hope they make you Pope of Scientology. Tom, you're an actor. Try acting like a sane person for a change.

Me and Tom Cruise

Due to how famous I've become by writing stuff on any website that will have me, I was being interviewed the other day when someone squirted me with water. I immediately became enraged and then decided to marry a girl who still wears a retainer. Tom Cruise and I were born in the same city, Syracuse, N.Y., so I'm pretty sure we were switched at birth and he has stolen my life. His marriage to Nicole Kidman? Should have been mine. Dating Penelope Cruz? Mine too. Engaged to Katie Holmes? Should be mine. Talk about identity theft! I'm thinking of suing. If Tom knew I had his life I'm sure he'd want it back.

Father's Day!

Yesterday I was preparing to undertake one of the most father-like tasks a man will ever do, when my eldest mini-me approached and asked me if he could learn how. No, it wasn't the act that made me a father in the first place, it was mowing the lawn. So I taught him how to start the mower and showed him how I wanted it done. He then actually cut my lawn for me. After completing his task he promptly came to me and asked for money. I said, "Since it's Father's Day, shouldn't I get a freebie?" (I also said the same thing to Mrs. Phil the night before) My son, in all seriousness, looked me in the eye and replied, "Today's not Father's Day is it?"

Trade In Your Breakfast!

I was walking around downtown today carrying an old bagel for over 2 hours and not once did anyone run up to me and offer me a Frusion Smoothie for it. I saw a woman drinking a Frusion Smoothie, but when I asked her to trade it to me she yelled for the police. By the time I was done I had a stale bagel and nothing for breakfast. Damn, that freakin' pisses me off.

Survey Says...!

I want to take a survey by way of readers responding in the "comments." I'm curious. When you buy new underwear, how many people feel that it is important that you wash them before wearing them, and why or why not? I personally do not believe they need to be washed first. In fact, I can't wait to put them on. I'd wear them home from the store if they'd let me. Why wash them? Are you afraid that someone at the factory wore them around for a day before putting them in the package?

Star Wars

I took my boys to see the new Star Wars movie, Revenge of the Nerds. Oh, sorry, that's not the name, that's what would happen if you moved someone's sleeping bag on the sidewalk in front of the theater before opening night. When I was about 12 years old the Star Wars movies completely kicked ass. Now, as an adult, they suck like an 8 pound Oreck upright. There was not a single actor or actress in that movie who could act dead even if you actually killed them. Samuel L. Jackson, who is a pretty good actor, suddenly becomes as stiff as a 12 year old boy who discovered his dad's stash of Playboy magazines. The only good actor in the whole movie was Yoda, and he's an animated puppet. Has anyone else noticed that C3PO is a gay robot? If you take away the special effects, Star Wars is just a bad soap opera happening in outer space.

Suck The Marrow Out Of Bones

I'm sorry I haven't posted in so long. I'm sure my regular readership has dropped off significantly. I've been really busy. In addition to keeping up with a real job, I've begun writing for a "real" fantasy sports website. Also, last week I took a night to register to become a bone marrow donor. It's pretty cool. It's like being on call like Batman. You give them a little blood, then they analyze it and put it in their national computer registry. You have to give them more contact information than you do to get a gun permit. They want the names of family and friends as well as your work and cell numbers. At any time of day or night you could get a call or message. You have to carry a card in your wallet with a special 1-800 number to call back immediately. I was hoping I'd get a big, red telephone to put on my desk. I assume that it's the Commissioner Gordon of blood you call back. I originally signed up thinking that if they found that you were a donor match you'd get flown to wherever the person was to give your marrow. I had visions of Hawaiian vacations and such. Apparently that won't be the case.