conversation

Hotshot. says:
i keep losing my battles too.
Im fighting a war within me and i kept losing my battles; says:
really?
Hotshot. says:
dunno.
Hotshot. says:
ikut you je.
Im fighting a war within me and i kept losing my battles; says:
kpo
Im fighting a war within me and i kept losing my battles; says:
you won every battle bcos you always have faith
Hotshot. says:
wrong. i won every battle bcos i have you believing with me. not in me,but with me.
Hotshot. says:
=)

-----

:):)
cos you just made my day!

-

I've been fighting this war within me recently. It seems that the more i pushed myself to the limit, i kept losing my battles. Taking one step forward and moving 3 step back.If i were watching right for afar, i would probably see the way my shoulders sag, my eyes lowered as i walk, how i up to the sky in search of hope ,on occasion a smile on my lips that doesn't quite reach the eyes, a song on the radio that i listen to intently without blinking, lest with the next blink should drop a tear that seems to be standing guard.Sometimes these feelings come and go.Sometimes I chase it away, i scare it off, i even laugh at it, most of the time i pretend i don't see it like a wild cat chasing after me.When i do that it goes away for a week or two but it always sniffs me back. And each time the madness in his eyes looks different. Sometimes i fight it, sometimes i let it consume me.

Last night i slept in darkness.Total,black darkness. Cry myself to sleep.I closed my eyes and hoped for so much till i lost count of my own words, till i drifted to an abyss as deep as the gaping hole in my soul.

flip side

iconstantlypunishyouformyowninsecurities.

through the test of time

it's a blessing in disguise how today happen.

it all happens for a reason; i choose to believe.

the sucky start of today ends up exceptionally well.

what a wonderful day well spent says the boyfriend.

what a beautiful beautiful day today i say.

well i believe if we continue perservering through tough times, it would all be worth while.

sooner or later.

then i say,

hang in there babe.

:)

----

She's my current happy pill and of course, he remain, as my addiction.

do you see a brighter day for me?

Happy 19th mohanas ku
may allah bless you with everything beautiful.
:)
----

may today bring much smile and lots moore happiness
cos it'd be a smashing day.
yippie!

get out

yes.im pretty much a loser.getting all affected with simply everything under the sun.but you are begining to make me hate myself.or maybe hate you?

i mean i hate how nice i've become.so concern about how others might feel with everything that comes out from my mouth.be very careful with my choice of words and to make sure their feelings comes first more than anything else(even if it means not telling the truth).im being far too generous.but some people are just plain oblivious.

cosyoumakemefeelinsignificantyoufindmewhenyouneedmeandthenignoremewhenyouaretoocaughtupchasingyourlifeyouarenotworthanyofmytimethinkingaboutitimdonewithyouandallyourlifethankyougoodbye.

----

disconnected

i feel detached.not from the world no more.but from your lives.i dont see my significant anymore and so i made my choice long time ago.that was to leave.maybe for good?
now i cant help but reminice,about the past.our past.what it use to be between us.you, me, him and her.how nice. how perfect.the portrait of us being together is still fresh in my mind.etched and never will forget.but they say shit happens.so people change and yadda yadda.so i dont expect so much anymore.infact expect anything from anybody.i mean expectation only leads to disappointment.so yes.

the changes between us is drastic.to a point i feel the discomfort being around you.everything seems to be different now.with our peculiar act and awkward behavior towards each other. its funny how things have change. maybe its me. its just me. but i thought it was just a phase. but it seem never ending...hrm.ohh' well.

i mean people come.people go. i can't expect anyone to stay for good can i.
so well.what the heck. pardon this random ranting of this terrible friend.

well, somebody told me today i am selfish when it comes to my friends and i proudly said
YES I AM!


:)

hrm.

it was a not-so-very-late bus ride home with the boyfriend after dinner last night
the usual exhaustion after drama training
while boyfriend was on my white psp playing winning eleven, i was somewhat stoning until he snap me off
and being the sweet boyfriend he is, he ask me whether i was okay.blablabla
then passengers come and go (to cut it short)until this particular one came in an sat behind us.
then everything has to go wrong at all the wrong timing.

now dont mind the overwhelming paranoia if you meet me
:(

=D

the dark knight was kick ass.i mean kick ass in a good way.
it was fuckin' awesome i tell you.
thanks to the boyfriend for the treat and for all the hugs throughout the show.
ohh' and of course for the unforgettable night.


I had a blast!

i still do hate clowns mind you.

deeper conversation

the roller coaster rides is far to frequent these days that we find ourself puking sick.
the 'intellectual talks' or so the boyfriend said,is ever so rare now.

i miss my knight in the shining amour.
:(

you're like a rocket in my mind

Happy Bilated Birthday boyfriend :):)
May we see brighter days ahead together.
May you be bless with so much love, good health and great life.
May you be bless with everything beautiful in life just like YOU.

ily.

---

begging you for mercy

while i erred on the side of emotiveness
you erred on the side of indifference
nothing bind us together now
nothing

----

promises are mend to be broken huh

stuporrrr..

everything seems to be in a trance now. life's pretty harsh and im not coping it well.
well i somewhat screw up so many things and i cant help but cry. well he said all i ever did was cry.

everything seems to be happening while im in a daze.well at least thats what i thought.nothing i see is clear.all i know is,i wake up every time hoping,wishing and praying that it was all a dream and that you didnt say anything like that.this body seems heavier than usual, this heart feels heavy but empty and this mind seems to be wondering so far away from me and at most they went blank.they refuse to work. the breath of fresh air that im taking in seems to not work anymore. keeping my mind so occupied did nothing but tire this tired body of mine.
i see no point in everyt single thing i do.

yes yes.fine i know.im depressing the shitt out of you but bare with me for a little while more

..and so.i feel like i've been pinned down.stab in the heart again and again while i lay motionless.ironically still breathin, in pain and sadly not dead. i saw myself lay there frozen.absolutely no attempt to defend myself.still at this point of time, what i felt was physically pain..but i felt nothing on the inside.nothing.

----

god, tell me this is all a dream.
='(

Today is the 16th.
and today is the end.

good bye

i know its been along break. but life's been terrible but i've been good.updating seems to not be such a good idea.but today and hopefully for many more days to come it'll be different.

and so i wanted to do something different.for a change i want to pick those broken pieces back myself.peice it together and have buddles of fun with it.on the other hand the beautiful chapter of my life seems to turn its back on me.the cloud on the other end looks darker than usual and im too scared to be there.

now im taking my shelter.on the other end. far away from you and erm everyone else.
hope this wont be long.till then i'll wait.or maybe.not?


----

im digging my own grave now.
help.please.

unmasked

yet again, its as though my sins have been read aloud
you showed me what i already knew
you pinned me down with my arms wide open
im left with nothing.
nothing.


i knew, it wasnt for me right from the start
i wonder why do i even try?

----

you stripped my every layer leaving my soul so bare
now i feel so insecure and you dont even care.

a friend.a brother.

your words gun me down with no mercy
it made me realise how terrible i was all this while.

i am no good with friends you see.never been good.
you were one of the few who stayed despite everything.
but i thought you would understand.

my word wont mean anything now to you. and i am at no position to defend myself
for i know my mistake and im wrong.

i know where i stand now.and that you are upset.im sorry

---

i know lifes been tough on you and i am not there when you turn around.
to pick you up or be there for you.im sorry.

too much

i decided to delete the previous post(or rather not publish it).Not that i regret saying such or want to take back my words but i find it rather inappropriate to publish it and let the others read it.i realise it was far too personal.shoot!

pardon the content to those who have read it.whatever you think it was.its not at all like.just me being "whatever"(okay yah.i cant seem to find the word).nothing more.

this is the perfect example of letting it get to your head and getting paranoid.
i need to stop this obsession.
so i need to start refraining myself from alot of things.

i need a break.real bad.

--

end

May the night be a gracious cloak to hide my soul's defeat.
May another day find me brave, and not afraid to dare.

---

just when i needed somebody to hold,
you loss your grip

my love

He bends his breath around my name
And I am humbled
I feel small and plain
But his arms are angels by his side
You need not ask if they're open, just how wide

His lips are day
And his skin is night
Oooh, and with our love we conjure up the twilight
His fingers are music to my soul
And I feel his song play everywhere I go
My love, my love is on his way
I can't wait to see the day
I thankfully lay me down

He loves with rhythm
And paints with flame
He comes in pieces with no name
I won't need answers,
I'll just know
Cause I've read the sonnets about his soul

He can be ordinary in the best ways
And still dance like a poet
Through every word he says

He makes me crazy
He makes me cruel
Oh, but I pray he makes me anything
But a fool

Oooh, my love
Please hurry

---

imyb <3

cos they're mine, for life.

Do you know what it feels like to want to have the person all to yourself?To want to own them. Like their all yours.Strictly no sharing. Where the person stick to you and never change like they got noone else in this world.Like they stick to you like they owe you a living. Okay no. Maybe that's alittle too much to ask for. That's being too paranoid fifi.

I mean.I dont know.I kindda miss those good old times.

At different stage of my life,i grew fonder and closer with some people.
They came into my life and make me apart of theirs. They found their comfortable spot somewhere in this heart. We've shared meals on the same plate.Share the same dreams. The same view.Talk the same language-without the need to say much.I mean, i came across this few treasures that i'll keep for life.But then again, good things dont come easy and they dont last forever.They come and go. Under circumstances and situation, they had to leave, things have to change.

I can't stop reminicing about the past, not that i dont like what i have now but i miss it.
so much.I felt like i've lost so many along the way.So many diamonds and gems.
What's left is memories of you and i.


I was once so close.so close to you.
---

this to all my old close friends.

heartache to heartache

i hope the dark clouds are clearing up soon.its upsetting seeing the pouring rain.although the cold breeze is good for a change but its far too often.a sight of sunshine is always nice.nice to see.makes me and you wanna smile right?

---

cos you make me believe in unconditional love baby

yours

I was walking by a river bank when i saw you on the other side.You were far away, on the other side.I was unsure whether it was you whom i really saw.I didn’t want to take the risk of being dissapointed but I was determined.So i continue walking by.

We walked through the sunsets and sunrise, through rough roads and steep slopes all witness by the sun,the moon, the stars, the night skies and God himself.They saw us smile,sulk our way through.They saw us laugh and cry together. They saw us fight and hurt each other and they saw us reconcile and make love. They saw us.

Every step I took along this journey, I kept looking toward the other side.On your side I mean. After every turn and every crossroads, the image which was once so vague is now clear.Ever so clear. I saw a glimpes of what i want to see,most beautiful of sight.It was you.

We were saperated by this river bank though moving towards the same direction.Towards this bright light of glory on the other end of the road.There is where the road and river meets. It is where we will reunite.I knew everything on the other end of the road is clear and sure.At least it was for me.

The image is now more clear than ever before-the image that was self-painted by two hands.Both yours and mine.It was vivid for me.Like I could paint them all over again with my eyes close.


Sometimes i wonder, why are we not on the same side of the river bank?

breather

avacationforthesoul.

note to self:
stress is self-inflict.

you dont miss your water till the well runs dry

I read this somewhere and this very sentence strike me.That you don't have to change friend if you understand that friends change' but i hate changes and i don't understand or maybe refuse to understand.So where does that leave me?

Hrm..

hello world!

I know I sound dramatic. But for the first time in my life, I feel like my heart is cracking.
I don't know why i am awfully affected.But i am.Oh the reluctance! Fuck it la okay.It's written all over your face.

Tak nak cakap.Don't give me your nevermind shit and then let me read the
total opposite that is written all over your face.You don't know how to hide it
la okay.

Thank you in advance to anyone who is concerned for me. I think I will be fine, but that's not a promise. I would appreciate it very much if you guys don't hurl questions at me - if I don't bring it up, please don't try to.Cos you don't know.Maybe i was refering to you.

=`(

Cause I'm walkin down this road alone

and figured all I'm thinking bout is you,

is you my love

And my head is in a cloud of rain

and the world it seems so far away

and I'm just waiting for

The droplets, droplets

I feel ever so silly today and black is making me sad.

So i have this crazy urge of shifting to lj.

=(

i'm sorry i said all that.

i didn't mean it.

My life's a stage

The overwhelming emotions.The exaggerations.The understatements.
The Melo-dramatic situations.The effects.The facade.

I told you life's a stage.People around you are the audience.They judge like audience do. They get to critique and or applaude after each show.
The facade are like character given to an Actor/Actress.They are never vulnerable on stage.Because they are not playing themself. They get to be somebody they're not.They get to play pretend.They get to talk, walk and act like somebody they're not.

Oh' the pretense.
It's irresistable.
Trust me.

---
Life's a stage, you make mine a musical.

sweety sweeney.

It's not like any date and Sweeney Todd is definitely not a movie for dates.

But i'm contented and satified with the show,Depp and love.

It's refreshingly wonderful and brilliant.

I mean i like the whole 'dark, sinister, and the macabre' feel of the show.

And as sadisitic as this might sound, his lust for revenge makes me feel satisfied and good.

What makes it even more refreshing and enjoyable personally is it's a Musical:

Alright! You, sir?/How about a shave?/Come and visit/Your good friend Sweeney!/You sir! Too, sir/Welcome to the grave./I will have vengenance./I will have salvation... /Who, sir? You sir!/No one's in the chair come on, come on/Sweeney's waiting/I want you bleeders./ You sir? Anybody?/Gentlemen, now don't be shy/Not one man/No, nor ten men/Nor a hundred can assuage me.

(Taken from one of my favourite part of the show)

Well, it's a fine day i say.What better way to end it than with love.

Thank you for making it as wonderful as you.

"why can't i have you all to myself?"

i'm sorry it kills you.

i'm selfish.

i love you.

mnsabarrudinbmt

smell the rain baby

i love rainy days
i dont want the monsoon season to be over yet
but well its raining now tho
i know im going to miss it terribly when its gone
today the weather go great that i just wanna lay around all day doing nothing.
nothing at all

=)

i hate mondays timetable
and i hate puntuations too

=/

over.

the clouds clearing.
the sun been far too kind.
monsoons are officially over.
things are looking a little brighter on the outside before i clear things on the inside.
but it's been alright.good i shall say.
so breathe world.
cos i'm hanging in there well.
----
So close to reaching that famous happy end
Almost believing this was not pretend
And now you’re beside me and look how far we’ve come
So far we are so close


Btw,Happy 21st Birthday Nur Ili Liyana Izyan

noneedforatitle

My sentiments fail me today

Oh god, i dont feel so well.

:(

have some mercy

Today I feel like I don't want to try anymore.I don't want to make things better.In fact i dont want to do anything about it.Today I did it because I have to,not because I want to.
I don't wish to even think about it.Today i walk through it without deep thoughts.
Today I choose to not care and to not feel.
I'm done trying,hoping and doing it.
Done.

I’ve never been perfect, but neither have you