never-pretty 

Singing lip-sewn melodies of the beauty that never existed..
these tears drain mecrying not for what i lost
but for betrayal
for what i shall keep loosing
these tears wither me
plunged in sore deception
rip away whats left of these wings
they'll never be pretty.
Never pretty

cry in silence.

follow my eyes..watch 'em crash to the ground..see those images..let it tell the tales..hear it screaming in pain...hear it screaming ur name....

Little trips makes me happie!

A trip of shopping with sis syiks and abg amin was more than fun.We went from bugis to heeran..to cineleisure and then to paragon...We had our lunch at Banquet and a light dinner at Yoshinoya.yummsie!fuh!pretty okay.Well...i'm feeling all great for the day...but didn't go home again that day because we basically spent our whole day together and it getting late for me to rush home.
i end up sleeping over amin's place for that day despite the fact that i knew i'm dead if i spent another day not going home.But whudever!.I slept at amin's place to escape torture and to also watch vcd.The show spice up the out night over.haha!The show was sad with a pinch of porn(hahhaha!not xactly la)it's basically abt a love story of two men.)But stoopid cause i forgot the title of the show.And for the next day..i was screwed by mom and dad and end up meeting my gurlfriends at town.Then got turn down and soon end up at takasimaya alone.And dinner at BK all alone.You know they say anger can make one go against their fear.I guess i did.And to be truthful i really got my screw loose within that day.Never a minutes of pure peace i felt until i got hold of myself while having my dinner at far east. But fuct that.Thank god my brother save me when i reach tampines.I guess life is better when u are independent.And that day taught me so much about people ard me and about myself.Okay la.Enuf of the shit.i guess life is unfair But God is.

Hope everythings paid off when i go to Kl.
And peeps dont call me anitime soon because i jus got the news that i wouldn't be back till the 3rd of January at 0300am in the morning.
See u in school on the 4th or maybe on the 3rd if i'm not too tired.
Or c ya when i c ya.

Njoy ur last few days of holidays....

-fie-

ouhh shitt...i need someone to burn those cds.....fuct!

seee...the camera jus love us~...hahahha 

wooowwww~!we had a marvelous and fantabulous night and outing together.The three of us can't stop shaking that thang as we rock the whole orchard last night.wheeee~ 

hah!i'll say nothing this time.Too much blabbering this past days and I"M TIREDDDD!dead tired.okLa.
i just went shopping with ma ladiees and i had real good fun!anihooosss...i let the pictures explain how fun it was....

AND

Tadaaa...
I TOOK PICTURESSSS!Hehehehe...~

December!Christmas!

All i want for christmas is you!wheeee~..i love december.Firstly because, i have this energy to spent my last few weeks of holidays with all my heart and soul before school starts!shucccksss!hate it!Secondly, my otha family member's burfday all falls on december.(well i hate it when it come to buying gifts.*opps!sorie*).Thirdly, Christmas is in December and with that there would be loads of sale going on.And lastly...there's gonna be lights everywhere.wheee!!!
Well.. anihooos Christmassss is coming.Veryyy soon.And as pernormal..no christmas celebration.But certainly yes!there would be a Christmas shopping.hehe...i got letters and i got my early christmas gift frm Joanne and Tiara.hehhee!cool!yeah~..since they are gonna be away for christmas they thought it would be sweet to jus give it to me early.Plus the gift is far too cute to resist so had to give me first.They are tempted to keep it for themselves.hahahhhaa!(ouhh yah..they are going to perth australia)[Joanne is going to celebrate her christmas with her boyfriend there.And Kel get to tag along]shees!'But i guess it's summer there now..tak gerek sgt la'.heez~

I haven't done my shopping yet.I only got to buy a pair of new ballet shoe for myself.It's not as if i'm crazzy over some ballet shoe BUT i prefer wearing something confortable.Especially when i know i walk alot.Now, i'm left with buying loads of otha stuff.(My wishlist is getting longggeeerrr).I hope to clear my wishlist as soon as possible or even when my burfday comes.*hint*hahahha!Well...i 've send postcards and letters to my friends for Christmas.Most are abroad so lucky me i dont have to get any gift this year.So my jobs done uh!hehhee!

Anihoosss...i'm dying of this bag that i saw at far east plaza. 'brosproducts' bag!Lawar~...can i have that for Christmas plsss~hmmmm...gosh~it's too nice to resist!
*arggggghhhhh*

ma sugah-D and her sister..plus mE~...pics without neng...*awwww..too bad*

qilah,syura,dinee and finally ME!!!....wheee~...on our way to hiphop fest

Busy!Busy! Busy!

Busy with i don't know what.Hmmmm...to think of it again i'm not that busy.But the truth is..i'm friggin' LAZY to jus drop by.
Highlights of the O.K day for me while i was away.

sg HipHop Fest. 2004

The whole fest really rox!Man!it was hip and cool and was fun i can say.It was a blast!!The party really rock da scene.I went with my gurlfriends.Queen-E,Sugah-D,syura and qilah.My gurlfriends was over at my place since the early noon before we head off to Hong Lim park where the party getting started.hooooo!yeaaaahhhh!the start was superb!The kidds really bloww me away.With their dance and rap.The G-Femininz was cool..tho' they forgot some of the lyrics.Besides that...the B-boys dunch wanna miss this..their performance was AHhhhhhh!!!gerek!Their popping and flipping was *speechless*.Nicely done man!Toophat, triple noise,Da-Unit(Amad Wan's crew) never wanna miss the chance to perform.Woohoooo!!!gerek~...tapi sadly too phat..only Joe flizzo was there...where's ma mr malique?!!But nvm tho'.The track 'lose my breathe','drop it like its hott' and more was spinning thru' the performance.Me and my gurls were dancing and partying all night long..tho' its quite tiring cos we've been standing that for quite sometime.Dinee and qilah got their head spinning early.hehehe!we got singing or rather screaming out a few songs together...by toophat...hehehehe!cool uh!!!man!!Not to forget the reggae dance!!!arghhhh!makessss me scream my head out!~~~~
Lastly...waiting for taufik was soooo damnnn longg.It was the last performance tho'...Taufik Batisah did a performance with his original crew 'Bonafide Vintage Flav'r' then after his solo performance.Wheeee~he sang my fav. song...Me and Mrs Jonesss...suare dier sedap giler...but..the screaming was way louder that his singiing.hahahhaa!gossssshhh!~it made me go gaga!
The party was waaaaayyyy tooooo cooooLLLl to describe...heheheh!well...and finnally Ifah!!i sleep ur hse ahhhh~..hahaha...
the lectures and nagging after getting back was nothing compared to the fun i had with u peeps.Thx gang...!lurve yaw!
*aniwaysss...check out those pics

3 daysss of Rotting at nenek's place

there u go...u know it olready!.it's all written down(i. r.o.t)while i was there(but atleast not at home..i was at my nanny's place)...buttttt!!!!!my bro....~bought a close to 500 buck xbooxx!!that actually end my rotting days at home.i wanna play my xbox!!!!!!wheee~
gerek~....

N'level result...

Relieve and still not staified.I felt i had dissapoint a couple of ppl..my parents(tho' they didn't say it).My self(dispointed with my result.i know i'm capable of better results).Shah(he's happie for me..he sound happie...but i know him..i knew he xpect more frm me.)and others whu said they are glad for me but actually think i can do better.Well...i couldn't control myself went my got my results.I manage to smile and laugh and be happie for others at least for they successes but i didn't manage to hold back my tears of disapointment for my 'okay' result.Firstly i was afraid wether i can make it to sec 5.Then i became afraid wether i can get whad i want.I rather not mention the points i got.Ask me personally if u wanna know.But tho' i tot i couldn't make it.I did!Alhamdulilah syukur!But i'm not satified.After a consoling from Shah,Abg Amin, Sis Shikin and Sis nurul and afew other ppl..i know it doesn't matter whad i got.All that matter noow is i'm heading to SEc 5 and i need to put in extra effort to pull thru O'levels.And make a different then.hmmmm....Thank you God especially for making it happen for me.Thank you!Syukur Alhamdulilah~To all that have succeedd...Thank Him!and Congrats buddies..C u next yr!


To go or NOT to go???

I've just cancle and decided not to follow my aunt's family and nenek to have a holiday at melaka.I dont know weder or not i wanna go.But i decided to say NO to it.It was an ok offer for a holiday after getting my result.To at least take a time out outside Singapore.Well..i jus dun wish to go(and i dun really know the actual reason why i do what i did)..But anyway..i've said it.I'm NOT going.Now sis shikin,kak nurul(maybe),Abg Hakim,Abg amin,Abg yan and my bro is going for a new year holiday to KL!now i dun noe weder i wanna go or not??.It's on the 31st december.I had to make a fast decision bcos they are gonna check for trains and stuff.Helpppp!!!i dunt knowWWWW!!??!??
CLUELESS?!

HaPpiE BiRthDaY Cha-Cha!!!!

May god bless you in everyway...and be a good sister to me and ur bro yarh!!!
And not to forget a good daughter to mom and dad!!!
i Love yA!!!

===================================================================
outsss!

too long an entry...
hhahahha

Ocean Twelve

i cannot stand looking at the shot clips from the movie Ocean Twelve.My goodnessss!!
Craps!I could really tell that it's freaaaking cool firstly because the previous Ocean eleven was a clear superb movie and the otha reason behind it is bcos the cast of the show can totally blow me away!Esp. when it comes to BRAD PITT!!!(ouhh..he's a hottieee!!)And in this movie..he's playing the MR. CooL guy here!wohhooo......
and and with the otha cast like matt damon..george clooney..andy garcia..julia roberts...*ARghhh!!!gerek!!*

That show is a MUST to catch! i CANT and WONT miss it!wheeeee~

wow!!!!

toodlessss beybeh!

hmmm...haven't been updating this blogg ever since i start werking.And yah!uh huh!i'm werking at the moment.Or maybe only for that 3 days.I olready got my pay.M werking with my 'Uncle' at a so-called magazine 'factory'.Work was fun plus TIRING!Bloody tiring!never thot it would be this tiring.But it was all worthit after getting the pay yesterday.(Let's not mention here the amt.)*hehe*.I thot i should work rather than rott t home while my gurlfriends are off leaving me alone and my 'ladieesss' are off to U.K for a holidays. IF only i could just go with them..things are soooo much simpler and moreeee exciting.(o.k dream on fie!).Left me and Tiara here at Singapore.
May be i could go out with her, or maybe my cousins...BUT sadly..ella called and offer me a job with her.So now!i'm working!

Right!i got my pay.did i say that earlier?

Better shopp before the cash is gone!

o.k ciao!

Hah!Let me jus update about how glad i am when Taufik Batisah won the idols!fuh!Thank God for that!I call and vote almost 30 times for Taufik Batisah!Can't believe i actually did that.But his performance on 1st Dec. was SUPERRRB!!baik ah!~he sang really well.I mean so well that i became one of his screaming fans.*haha*Alah dkt rumah je.I was screaming lyk nobody's business when they crown him our very own 1st Singapore Idol.I was glad!I mean very glad.It was relief actually.(mcm lah aku yg nk menang).But nvm.
I thot Sly would win the competition bcos he's much more popular compared to Taufik.But i was sooo wrong.Taufik is frigging talented and he should win this.I mean isn't this a talent show.(whad more can i say about taufik's talent anyway he is a 2nd cousin of Hazrul Nizam!!!).That's too cool to be true!!Now i think it runs in the family.You know the darah seni thingy.(Talented 'Bachok' family)*hehe* .But maybe Taufik Won becos aku vote and call punyer pasal.*wakakakkakaka*

Ok La.as soon as Taufik release his very first album!
i'll be the first to grab that!wheeee~

Go Taufik!!keep rocking.

Taufik my idoL!!!!!(ouhh gosssh!look at that smile...)*cair*[support local singer]

thAnk yOu


When i, thought I knew you
Thinking, that you were true
I guess i, I couldnt trust
Called your bluff, time is up
cause Ive had enough
You were, there by my side
Always, down for the ride
But your, joy ride just came down in flames
cause your greed sold me out of shame

After all of the stealing and cheating
You probably think that I hold resentment for you
But, uh uh, oh no, you 're wrong
cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do
I wanna know just how capable I am to pull through

After all of the fights and the lies
Yes you wanted to harm me but that won 't work anymore
Uh, no more, oh no, it 's over
cause if it wasn 't for all of your torture
I wouldnt know how to be this way now, and never back down


So I wanna say thank you
cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

[How could this man I thought I knew Turn out to be unjust so cruel Could only see the good in you Pretended not to see the truth You tried to hide your lies, disguise yourself Through living in denial But in the end you'll see You-wont-stop-me I am a fighter and i aint goin' stop There is no turning back Ive had enough!]


dedicated to someone...
-XXXXXX-

outs!

shop and just shop.

I wanna shopp till i dropp!....

aniways...hapi..burfday Nizam!!!!

hmmm...honestly..i haven't had time to update this.i became really busy as the day goes by.Let me just update you about only the most impt thang fo' the day.

Thursday.
-Dinee's burfday.i manage to go out with her the whole day like i promise.I gave her a treat for the day*spongebob*(wheeee~).But nothing much tho'.The day mcm tak terurus ah.So kelam kabut.BUt what make things fun and joyful that we manage to at least be together and spent time together.Altho the chalet is kindda pathetic..since i have her and she have me and we have each other,things was soooo much fun!i njoyed my day.

Friday.
-Went out with yayah.To buy stuff and look for a vase.Not her's but my another cousin punyer.But we end up buying bangles and my adeq sedare's burfday gift.I bought him this nice,unique and style bangle.Fooh!pretty!!.hmmm..then when the night falls my cousin decided to stay over my place and so the whole day i spent my time with her.While with her..i got a phone call frm dinee and neng.THey called to say that they bought me something.A gift that symbolises friendship and the sweetest memories.Tho' it's nothing big guys...i really do appreciate it!thank u!!!.smoochieeesss..I end my day with a gift frm my gurlfriend and a party at home with my cousin.*hehe*

Saturday.
I had to follow mom and dad to jln Hari Raya.I was kindda lazy to go but i was force to..i guess i'm jus going there for the sake of getting duit Raya.hmmm...(becos i wanna buy a ladiees shoeee)ergh!right!so well..we went to about 6 houses and then the last hse is Along's house.(which is only beside my apt blk).We had some great chats and also great food there.hmmm...nice!i can't help it but praise indian cookss.hehehe!My grandma's and Alang's family are there too.SO aper lagik...KECOH arh!!!hehehhee.i had fun only at that last hse.hahhaa.THen by 10 plus2.. nenek's family came my place bcos uncle Zu need me to do his 'Quatation' again.And this time he gave me $50 for helping him all this while.I was serba salah.I dont wanna take his money bcos i was doing it dgn ikhlas but he insisted and my mom said not to take any money out of it.But in the end i was scolded by my uncle and was ask to accept that cash.So aper lagik!amek aje La~...MY day end with Rafiq coming over my place.hahahha!(dier lagik gemuk sey)*hehe*

hmmmm...hey..gtg anyways...

update later

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GURLFRIEND!!!

This time around I'm not going to write you a poem or any rhymes nor am i gonna type out my wishes thru SMS because it's gonna be a summarise version(well how can i give a summarise burfday wish to a friend).But instead.I'm gonna write out my wishes here!Right here!And it all comes straight from my heart!

Here it goesss.......

Dinee...

Often we're caught up with the day-to day living, we forget to appreciate all the little things we've done for each other.The thoughtful gestures,the comforting words,the constant reminders of the everyday routine like 'to eat and take our daily showers'.(hehehe) and not to forget just the fact that you are there for me everyday-anytime-whenever I need you.

Your friendship brings nothing but a tears for me.Not a tears of sadness..but a tears of joy and happinesss.A tears that i never regret to shed.You taught me nothing but to be strong.You made me nothing but a stonger and loving lady.You taught what friendship is all about without the use of words.You taught me so much without the need to speak.To taught me more thru the hearts.I've shared my life ,my hopes and my joy with someone who gives me nothing but love,care and support.You made me better,richer, fuller and bitcher!(haha).

The power of our friendship is inseparable.After 4 tough years of friendship we manage to pull thru the darkness and still standing strong.Who could forget the unbearable pain while being the such darkness.The set backs are the test for our never ending friendship(insya'allah).Our silence have said a thousand words by now.We could understand without the need of words.That's how remarkable things have went between us.
*those sarcastic remarks and irritating opinions are worthwhile sometimes*(hahaha!)

Today is certainly your big day!A day you and I can never forget.(obviously bcos i can't be with you).A day which you should spent it wisely with your love once.A day which should be filled with nothing but happiness.Promise me that yarh!Let yourself loose tmr.Be free to smile and giggle the whole day.Light up the whole party with your captivating and contagious smile.And never stop smiling!

Dinee... on your day today i would like to say something that i've nvr said but i sure mean it 'you will always be invaluable and precious to me.More than words could explain' and i lurve ya~!!!

once again...

hAppY bIrthDay tO yOu!!!!!


remember our date on the 26th uh??

smoochieeesss behbey!!

me and dinee(the kittens version)aren't they adorable!!!-we're like siamese twins.

I'm a horrible friend!How bad can i be?!!!!i felt worst then i ever did.Tho' i didn't plan nothing big and special i jus want to be there for her.How can i do this to my own friend??How can i ever apologised?I feel like an ass.Gosh!!this feeling suckk!horrible!!yucks!eiyer!aiyo!

I hate the word sorry.If i said it too much the meaning will soon be gone.And there i am standing and moaning for forgiveness yet knowing i'm jus making some irritating noise and don't mean single thing.BUt i am!!I AM SORRY!(okay i hafta stop saying that).

But my granduncle is really sick in the hospital.His been hospitalised for almost 4 times and i've never been to even one of them.I felt like bad.Real bad.And my grandma made me go tomorrow since he'll be going for his operation.(BUT how about her??).I thought i told mom nothing can come up tomorrow because i'm fully booked on 25th.But how can i say NO to my nanny.

I'm so serba salah!

Sorry gurl!

M.I.K.E

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MIKEY!

hehhehehe..it's ur great day today!wohoo~I decided to give him a surprise call.Everyone's over at the Evan's place to celebrate his day..and here i am..in Spore..calling frm abroad to wish him.hehe!He sound excited plus filled with joy.(i guess..i suspect that frm his voice and the way he talk to me).Haha!i gave him my simple yet the sweetest wish i can think off.Since i was emotionally vulnerable while talking to him.Maaak!i'm ashame of myself.How can i be sad on his day.?!!stoopid La!urgh

But it's okay tho'.He sounds fine and great.And i jus hope he make the best out of his best day today.Hmmmm....

oKLa.
eh!tmr is my bestfriend's burfday!

ouhh gosh~

Crazie insane.or was it insane crazie?

hah!I had a chat with ifah and dinee till sometime after one or two this morning.We had our silent giggles after evesdropping on neng and Mr.X conversation.That guy is a Stooopid fag hag.hah!Which totally remind me of some of my faggot mates.*hahaha*Well..the three of us are definitely like the 'Sirens' .I love to say that it's becuase we're like the SEXY MOMMAS in town(Tho's I know it plainly because when we come together we're louder that the most emergency vehicle).If you're sick of hearing that don't read on and don't tell me.I like thinking me and my gurlfriends are beeeeautifuL.

I happily yelled at my brother because he wake me up from my deep sleep.(m i that bad?)And got me looking at my haggard face at the mirror for almost fifteen minutes.oHH i must be still in my dreams.And yarh..mom sounds ridiculously petty today!anddd before i know it..i'm struck by a madness that made me blabber shitt ard the house alone!This have got to stop!!!

gOsh!i haven't shower...and i'm gonna be late for a date with ma gurlfriends~

outs!

Things I've just notice today.

• My eyebrow are not level(eeeeee.....so cacat!)
• I'm left with $100++ of my Hari Raya money after paying off my debts which is too little for shopping.
• I was supose to go out with Natalie yesterday...but i dunch know what happen.(she didn't call so...i also tak tahu)
• I'm in love with Jewel and I love eminem more then ever.
• Anuar Zain is jus adorable.(haha!)
• That my best friend's burfday is like 3 days away and i haven't prepared nothing.(oppssss!i still have time do i?)
• Kak shikin gave me duit Raya.(wow!)

Dumb!

Well i just want to rest today.I'm so tired.I couldn't wake up this morning to send Amin's family off to London.Sharks!I obviously couldn't get out of bed by six in the morning because i get to sleep only sometime past three(Shah had to teman me because i can't shut my eyes).And now my head is spinning because of the sleeping disorder that i got.

Yesterday was superr hectic.My house was suddenly flooded since early afternoon till sometime after eleven.It's a non-stop visiting place.Plus my mom was nice to cook for everyone that came.I had to cancle my plan with Natalie if she were to called.But i guess i didnt have to as she didnt give me a call.So i spent my whole day layan-ing my guest.We have 3 big groups raiding my house.(excluding my future mak mertua*hahaha!*, dad's friends,my married cousins,my chinese family members).Thank god the 3 big groups included daddy's adopted family.hmmm...they were mighty kecoh!It's fun plus craziee tired.i'm so sorie.I mean i had to say this bcos i can't help it;Wak imah and Wak Ati says i'm sooo pretty andthey kept squashing me which their warm huggs.*ahahhaa*.It make me feel good tho'.Ok enough of that.Sis shikin gave me duit Hari Raya .hah!which is so weird receiving frm her.But whudever tho she's working anyway.And yarh.We were planning to fly of to KL next month to go for Anuar Zain's concert.Only like the three of us.Me,kakak and Abg Amin.(that's if amin's olready back frm his tarian trip to Palembang).We decided to go because i guess kakak could get backstage pass.Ouhh she knew Anuar Zain so..OkLa.Dad allowed me to go if jadi so not much of a problem there.And yarh..Daddy got Along planning to go Genting in mid December I guess, and the whole of mama's family had to go too.Sound fun!I guess this year is a trip to Malaysia.

(Malaysia Truly Asia)

Ouhh..i jus realise that it's been awhile since i update this stoopid stuff.Trust me..it's definitely not because i've enjoyed my Hari Raya and i'm too busy to jus type this out and share to the people that 'bothers to read my trash or people who read my stuff out of boredom' But it's certianly because i'm extremely lazy to just walk a few steps to lift up my 'longg' hands to switch on the computer.Ohh i'm just too Lazy!*grins*.The first day of hari Raya was not even fun!It was Freaaaking dull.It jus feels like another family gathering that my uncles organised.Truly pathetic.....with the little gathering that the parents had.shheessshh...lets not get to that.

Okay.Enough of bragging about the boring xperience.hmmm..yes!i surely get to meet Shah when he came back.We had a great chat with each other tho it feels weird meeting him suddenly after so long.!We even had a warm long hugg before he sent me home.yes!i hafta say i missed him dearly.And uhuh!He looks different!Maybe with his long colored hair and his new him.hmmmm...ohhh..so kacak!*hehehe*

Speaking of hair.(haha not really related but I like this method of introducing new material)...I had alot of good comments about my hair.I guess it's not that bad after all.My aunt..my cousins..my beshfrens.My gurlfrens.(And ifah called me a smurf)was tt surpose to be a compliment or whad??*ahahhaha*hmmm..so okLa!Actually i'm sick of my hair. Feel like shaving it all off.But i don't have a choice do i?Hate it!Unlike Ayan..he had he's hair done at Jeanyip and had it colored too.He look sssooooo hensem.Ohh we took pictures together.Both of us like so matching you know.But harlowwww!!!he's my gawd damn cousin!hah!

And uhuh!me and dinee went to watch movie together.'The Forgotten'I dont know weder its good ker tak?i honestly dont know.The show is weird and i hate it bcos he made me 'terperajat' alot of time.I had to like grib dinee's arms jus to make sure i don't like scream and embarrased myself in that dark theater.And so Jus to minimize the impact of the shocking sound effects.Screw that show!The feeling suck!It it was a fair show after all.Not that bad La.

Anyhooosss...i wanna watch taxi or sharktale!!!!anyone wanna go with me?!!!!!

Eid Mubarak!

The takbir sounded and it nearly brought tears to my eyes.I could really feel the ending of Ramadan and the begining of Syawal*The feeling is unexplainable* And I cried over the Late Sudirman Hari raya song..'Dari Jauh'...ohh god gracious..It jus made me go speechless and that me at my most vulnerable..(A man with amazing talent and could deliver a fantastic song full of emotion that could really bring tears to manys eyes).He truly capture the emotion!
hmmm...Yes!tOmorrow.Tomorrow is the day that everyones waiting for.To celebrate after a whole month of fasting(that's for those who fast the full month).Yes!Tmr isn't gonna be any grand day for me.Honestly i dOnt feel like celebrating.My beloved cousins are away oversea and left me with a few.While they all left me here..the cousins frm Malaysia are here to stay with my family.It's partially cool and kindda uncomfortable while they're over.(hey it's been long since they came here to celebrate Lebaran since my Late Uncle passed away).I felt that new bonding with my nephew that came which is sOOoo much bigger then me(ouhh i mean size;he's so montel you know)*he's only 3 btw* and actually i'm looking forward to meeting my niece frm Aussie.*wonder how she look like*hmmmm...

I help mom with the curtains and the kuihs and the carpets and the moppings and actually help my brother and my abg sedare for a last mins shopping.It was friggging tiring yet fun to be honest.Especially when i get to buy the Eminem 'ENCORE' album..*ehem2**cough*.We or rather I had like so much fun and i enjoy doing the things i did today actually.I received like gazillions of msgs after that to wish me 'Selamat Hari Raya' and all and Maaf here and there...ouhh my wish would come later when I met u all La eh!*insya'allah*susah sgt nak type.hehhe

Well in general..I would like to wish this to all my Muslim Friends and my pals around the world .."Happy Hari Raya".I certainly would like to take this oppurtunity to susun sepuluh jari dan meminta ampun dan maaf jika TERkasar bahasa.TER kurang ajar.TERsinggung perasaan.TERmaki.TERkutuk.TERtolak.TERjeling.TERpekik.TERsepak.TERcubit dan semua TER yang ada Lah.I'm sincerely and truly sorry if my action and words have caused any of you guys to get hurt or what have you.In this auspicious day i hope we could forgive and forget what ever bad past we've been thru' and start and whole new chapter of our life and friendship.May Allah blessed us in everyway that he has.Insya'allah...

Okay La.The sincerest part of my wishing would come later when i came upfront with you.

yesss....

i'm tireddd....

i better go!

Salam Eidulfitri Kepada Semua Sekali Lagi!

smOoochieesss

XXxxxXX

hmmm....
now i'm offically taking care of Juni while the Shauki's family are away.Today kakak taught me how to feed Juni and make sure she's all right and to clean up her 'poos'.eeiyerrr..!i've NEVER done that but i'll sure have to do it!*hahah*
Wow!tho's its not my first time having people put me responsible for taking care of their pet but certainly my first time really taking care of a cat.I mean i get used to cat but onli nenek ones.(tapi itu tak payah jager)
errr..soon enough Juni will get used to me.But it's onli gonna be for a few days.So no worries tho... ohh and NOW i feel like having a cat!!.... they can totally be my new-best-friend~!grrrr...

ouhh anyhooosss did i mention that The Evan's called??and ouhh yes before i forget...mike said hieee to dinee.yippie!

hmmmm.... ok La...that all for today

bye

I wanna move on...carry my soul with me and start moving forward to see the world ard me.I want to live like everyone else with no worries what might come ahead of me.I want to stop protecting my soul against any harm frm anyone that might just hurt me and start living like everyone else.I want to step into the world feeling free of guilt and grieve.I want to learnt how to forgive and forget which i know i can never do it.i mean NEVER.I want to seek for peace anywhere and everywhere i go.I want to stop pretending to be nice when i hold grudges against you.I want to stop taking care of someone elses feelings and get myself hurt.I want to stop torturing myself.I want to stop ruining my soul.I want to stop damaging my inner self.I want to stop lieing to the whole world that i'm fine when i'm not!!!

Yes!wake ur gawd damn mind up!I'm hurt by ur words!your frigging offensive words!Dont you get it?Didn't that wordsss sinkkk and gett into you thick skull and into your tinny winny pee brain?!!You hurt me moron!You hurt me!!
aha!Your action are supperr bloodyy nasty!So now you're what? proud of what you did??You think that you gonna get away frm your stoopid act jus like that?You think you can escape in this freaakkking world thinking that you dont owe noone nothing!!??
shit you!!

hmmmm.....

Yes!i cannot tolerate it if anyone lied to me.I cannot tolerate it if my friends are cold against me.I cannot tolerate it when my friends avoid me.I cannot tolerate being yelled at.I cannot stand facing a coward who don't wanna face reality.I cannot tolerate someone who is arrogant and rude.I cannot stand it when someone prefers serving sarcastic remarks then being frank.(what are you a faggot??uh??)I cannot tolerate it if someone is desperate for attention.I cannot tolerate men who are insensitive.I cannot tolerate men who thinks highly of themselves.(ouhh that's not called confidence ass!).I cannot tolerate people who are self absorbed!.I jus can't tolerate it!!Dunch u get it?!!I cannot!!I dont!!and i wOnt!!

Why are you people so insenstive.Sorry is all that it takes.It goes a long way.Fine..fuct that sorry if you want to..but at least snap back to reality and start behaving like a gawd-damn human!!And start thinking of others than yourself.
Especially when u want to be known as my friends.My beloved friends.If u want to be one..you gotta behave like one.

again.I'm writing paragraph of 'shit' which i wanna make clear to everyone.I'm not seeking for attention nor am i bragging and moaning over some shits that happen in my life..I'm jus doing this for my own reflection.
You came here to read this and it's you who choose to read it.I didn't force you to come and read my trash!I apologise if you're ataken by my words.You shouldn't be feeling that way if you know u've done nothing wrong.To the people who reads it and think i'm talking about you.Yes you!!...uhuh..shut the hell up and let me do that talking!!

ouhh god...
life is damnnn malicious.....

Special Announcement!

Well this would be jus another paragraph of 'rubbish' nobody but me cares about.hah!Shahril is coming back.He's like really coming back to Singapore this Lebaran!That is like totally YAY!wohhoo..hmm..He called me for the first time is after nearly a yr disappearing to another part of the world.Well.o' well..did i say he called me?ouhh yes!he did!he call me!*hahahha*
he'll be arriving in Spore from Chicago on like the 2nd day of Lebaran.He'll be here for like two weeks!which is sOOooo cOoL!And then he'll be off back to Australia.Hmmm...(anyways..he studying in Australia..he went to Chicago for a holiday*whatever for*)
Andddd...guess what..he'll be bring his cats and kittens back...which is supppperrr cool!(why am i suddenly into animals??!!)..ouhh stop it fie!

ouhh i can't wait for that day to come!!~actually i'm looking forward to meet him.Seeing him for the first time after sooo long..*hey a yr pluss is long okay!*
ouhh and yes!he said he miss me too(but i really couldn't remember myself saying i miss him)..which of cos i do.but i didn't say it..haha!
but jus leave me happily thinking that he could jus read my mind!hah!

ouhh shuddup u!

Jus read Yuka's blogg..soon realises how adorable can a kits and cats get.*awww*..too cute to resist.Gosh..they can tottaly be my new-best-friend.hmmm..ouhh what a good idea that is.Well then there comes an offer....

well..Kakikin's family is away and so my dad jus broke the news a while ago that they want someone to feed and takes care of Juni(did i get the spelling right)..yes!i guess i did.yarh!..They're gonna be away for quite sometime until few days after Lebaran and Junie would be left alone.After some real deep thoughts i would really like Juni to come over and stays with us.BUT..a sentence would be incomplete without the BUT(s)..hmmm...my mom certainly knows that she doen't want Juni ard.*how sad can that get*

I want my own pet!!

i mean...
i do own a fat laziee yet adorable little hamster..(ouhh he's nameless btw)..yarh..and he's always stuck inside his new built home doing only-gawd-knows what.He's daily routine are jus eat.sleep.and endless effort of escaping.He really impressed me with his undying determination of getting his ass out of the place.And he's fat..too fat for a hamster..my brother feeds him like all the time..i mean the food is always there and we did nothing to train him..he's toys are not fixed due to the lack of space so..he has lil things to be running after which then makes him more fat.We only get him moving when it's time for him to really get his ass clean up.And get his place over with.Then we let him loose ard the hse.(and then get my mom screaming).."bring this tikus away"..*hahahaha*
Now i shall then share how smart my hamster can get.hah!now he has a specific place where he do his stuff..as in 'wee wee' and all.ouh that place was surpose to be his toy but he did something else with it.haha!soooo smart u lil rat!!And my brother made him a new home which is made of ice-cream sticks with only one opening...and guess whatt...he actually bite a hole at the other end of his home(wishing he could get into another world)..so he could move in frm one end and goes out on the otha.*hahahahah* that's kindda dumb for human..but smart for a hamster..*awwww*how adorable!!

okay Lah enough of hamster and cats and all...i guess animals made life more entertaining and fun!

(anyways..Juni is a cat)ouhhand she's fat too..hehehehe..she looks jus like oren(nengs cat)..

B.O.R.E.D la

hmmm...
i think i've immersed myself enuf in boredom.and i've to start getting a life.anyhoo.since yesterday.life wasn't as dull as ever.hmm..
went to yayah's place.we pratically stay up all nite talking crap out of us until we fell asleep.we sang out throat out early morning like nobody's business and we simply can't stop giggling over stupid jokes.get into some childish and some lame jokes.couldn't even believe i end up doing such things.mmm..yeah!then went home and get my stuff done.so less *screams* frm mom.yeah!today i'm like getting my ass to geylang.gosh!i actually hate geylang extreme much!i made mom going geylang early bcos the night life of geylang is suppperr yucksss!with full of the....nvm...
why must i end up going to the place i nvr xpect myself to be.erk!
BUT at least i got myself doing something in this insanely boring holiday.

ouhh.excite me.please!

hah!today was funn!!...did some lil shopping..hoho..~
yah yah..update this some otha time..i wanna go out..
AGAIN!

outs

HAPPY HALLOWEEN erbody!!~

hmmm...well nothin' up on halloween this yr fer me..sadly..my homies are off for xams...and some dont even celebrate it.well i used to.ermmm...this year was kindda pathetic.(i almost forgot about halloween).well i rather celebrate ramadan.well..kindda miss those times when me sheila,tiara,clara,aunt Venessa and Uncle Jim kindda 'celebrate' halloween here.Back then in their Hougang house.now clara's families back to New Jersey and there's like no one who call me up for halloween party.hmm..the sweets..cholcolatess...goth and 'scary' outfits..complete with decorated hse full of pumpkins..hmmm...well..jus celebrating halloween for the sake of it.
yeah yeah.so this year's nothing's up.nevermind tho'.anyways..Halloween's are for christians..I'm jus celebrating in for the fun of it...well to those celebrating halloween tonight....
once again,

HAPPY HALLOWEEN PEOPLE~

smoochiessss...im outs

i've been quiet this few days havent i??hmmmm....

erbody's changin'...

You say you wander your own land But when I think about it I don't see how you can You're aching, you're breaking And I can see the pain in your eyes Says everybody's changing And I don't know why

So little time Try to understand that I'm Trying to make a move to stay in the game I try to stay awake and remember my name But everybody's changing And I don't feel the same

You're gone from hereAnd soon you will disappear Cause everybody's changing And I don't feel right ...

hmmmm......
juss seem to like the meaning behind the song...
one word..

NICE~...

feels good...

Today..i slept for almost 16hrs straight~..damn!that's long~..i mean i can do better than that..but it's rather long since i haven't been sleeping well lately.i haven't felt better since like forever!It feels good actually.to sleep for such longgg hrs.Fo' the ppl who msg me today..sOrry..i must be lost in my dreamland.hah!..but i guess dreams are a source of escapism from the real world..hmmm...i shud take more naps than.*hehe* ermm...i got nothing better to do today than to close my eyes and enjoy my morning,afternoon and evening naps..i seemms to enjoy what i'm doing here.i enjoy the life inside my dreams then the hectic werld outside.

All i know is..when i woke up today.i knew i need to lose some weight.bcos i could barely get up.was it because i'm ' too heavy or i'm too weak' to get up.hmmm...i dont need nobody's comment about this matter.it was jus a reflective entry jus to let you know.i have some people calling me 'phat' BUT brag and naggss when i stop eating and demanding me to stop ruining my body.hah!screwwww u people!

Well...it's almost midnight now..okayla..not xactly.. but for me i like to say 'the night is still young' .it's too early fo' another rest(tho' i feel like rolling ard my comfy bed..njoying the peace in my dark room.)mmm...!it's sleeping time!haha!
i must have missed alot today after travelling thru' a different world as a whole.It feels like i've been sleeping for ages and that i've missed so much.so much for jus 3 quater day of napss..hmmm...nothing much happen.ouhhh what could have happen while i was soundly asleep..hah!well..i better go..i need to do some catching up with reality.
anyway..do i get 'phat' if i sleep too much..hahahaha!i guess not uh?~..hah!

till then..outs.

hmmmmm....

well..firstly lets talk abt my new blogg here...well..it's kindda merepek...got me editting it for a to z...(stupidd blogg)..at last i turns out ..aiyer~..iduntknowwhattasay..well..m truly worn-out now..and i've nothing-better-to-do-at-home!

I find my life pleasantly boring. Let`s say "staid".~ Sometimes I think to myself about how everyone`s got such interesting lives.I feel that mayb i shud stop staying that 'cursed word'..bcos..it's making things worst that it ever seems..Like when I read my friends posts today. Even if it is a little unpleasant with the bitching and the quarrelling and rebuttals and personal attacks, it is pretty fun, right ifah? Yeah, I thought so too. I guess I`m a little too nice for those sorts of things to happen to me. More accurately speaking, I`m too tolerant.(is it dinee??)or is it i'm too self-absorbed?!hah! I rant a in semi-secret and get it all out, leaving me happy and available for more gossip targeting and taunting. I have to say that lil' devil has got that right.Maybe she just doesn't ponder and rot if he life's ever bored. She isn`t a hypocritical backstabbing bitch.*ehem2* Everyone gossips. No? Well then, everyone lies. Anyway, I`m old enough to know that everytime I sigh and lament about my boring life, one big asshole of a drama squishes out of the anus in the sky.hmmmm...so i better end it her...i'm tired of heckking this thing 'ere...

outs

pretty crappy..

well..nothing that surprising or amusing todae..got myself taking in granola bars for sahur and sips of water plus chips and more chips to break my fast..now m supppeerrr duppperrr hungry..hmmmm..spent looonggg hrs doing up my blogg(which turns out damn crappy).fuct!.hah!got myself utterly spent for jus doing this..haizzz...whud a waste...
hmmmm...errrr....ahhhh...mmmm...ok dats all..

bye!

mind-numbing

heh!ladiees day out was super okay(whudonearthisthat).that happens when u dont know how things was.hah!again.(fie is superr blurr)geylang was mighty pack and it's xtremely boring!.well i might find everything on this round earth a dead beat but jus now was in fact dull.well..m forlonly sluggish now.i dunch noe how to even put in plain words how pathetic jus now was.i simply had fun onli bcos my fellow friends are there.haha!they are the onli source of entertainment jus now beside the otha bunch of animals which we make a fool of.hah!wad a gag today!m supppeeerr groggy now.

so outs..later!

ladiees day out..

hoho..it's the ladiess day out today.hah!me.dinee.neng.maybe qilah too.idunchknoe.well..we're breaking fast outside today then off to geylang.it feels like ages since i step my foot at geylang.the last time was..last year i guess.again.idunchknoe.hope things work out all good!*something to look forward to for today*

hmm..well..i got a job.sortof.actualie was jus helping out an uncle who is in need.hah!my job is to type out the quotation for renovating a hse..hmmm..i guess so.hah!(mcm bagus jek aku).yarh..it's a six pages script.hope to finsih it by tmr before uncle fly off to Malacca.My script(ceehh..)wuld then be handed to the Datok2..hoho.*is that cool or wat*.actualie i'm doing this without asking for nothing in return.it's like a no-pay-job.but it's okay.m doing it for my uncle.but if he insist of paying.*roll eyes*...ehem..then why not uh?.hah!at leats i got myself into doing some good.deed in this ramadan.

orite.i'm off to shower.!update this lata!

count the no. of times i mention the word bored...*hah!*

well..sick and bored of typing out in small font size.typing out smaller than i ever typed.too small to even spot those spelling mistakes.well idontcare!actuallie i do.do i?.yes.i do.i do care for typing out small.hah!*roll eyes*.actualie m rotting likefuct at hm.and i'm blogging!.m updating this blog for the sake of jus updating it.out of boredom.again.did i jus say i was bored?it's FRIGGIN' bored to thee extreme.yadda.!bored of everything.(i'm forever bored!)i'm bored of my boyfriend.which actuali i dont have a boyfriend.i dont own one!maybe i had one before.okok..cut!

sheeesssshhhh...shudduppp me.

well i'm off.

??derob saw i noitnem i did

hahahhahahhaahahahahhahahahahhahahahhahahahahahhahahahahhahaahahhahhahahh......
hahahahahahahahhaahahhahahahahhahahahhahahahhahahahahhahahahahhah.....
hahhahhahahahhahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahhahhahah....
hahahhahahahhahhahahahahhahahahahhahahahhahah
hahahahhahahahhahahahhahahhahahhah...
hahahhahahhahahahhahahhahaha
hahhahahahhahah..
hahahhahahha.
hahahaha.
haha.
ha..

laugh with me.

LOL....

to the xtreme..

.reality check.

whud a day taday.

super-mighty-crap..

fuck is no longer a word that takes away every smithereen of frustration or anger in me.i doesn't no more.it doesnt calm me down. it does nothing anymore. to blame it on overusage is not right. cuz i only use it when i need it most. which is lyk what? once every five minutes at the least? whudever..
quit bitchin'..

i'm sorry for whad had happened(did i said i was sorry?wow!i guess i did!).anyhOoo..i wish i was less horrible.less rebellious.i was as unpatience as i culd get.i dun get it whad had gone into me.obviously not another bad day or a bad mood thingy.as much as u hate saying sorry.i do too.it's not that i'm some dumb 'poltroon' to jus say sorry but i jus culn't bring myself to say that for whad i did or i said or am i trying to subterfuge.all i gotta to say is somebody has gotta do it.if not this friendship wuldn't have work.i dun noe how to speak or face you.i'm engulfed with this feeling of fear,anxiety and confusion.That is why i culdn't bring myself to open up to anyone rite now(which sadly includes u).i culdnt face you although u've apologise.altho' things seems okay.i dun noe how.it seems like i'm loss in great drakness and stuck not moving nowhere.it's not as if its the ferst time we're lost in this lil' commotion/confusion.i dun noe whad differ the other crappy-shit we did with whad jus happened. i got apologies frm fee too today.again i dun noe whad to say.it's not as if i culdn't forgive him.i want to trash-it-out but i culdn't let the feeling of warth and intolerance flow and got blown away(which i got myself calling him a b***** scamp)*sorrie*.i culn't help it!i want to 'bury the hatchet' but i jus culdn't get over it as soon as i used to.i dun even noe the reason behind this.stop asking me why.stop apologizing and expressing ur regrets as much as u want to be forgiven!! My words and language has caused my life,friendship and relationship sometimes.actuallie most of the time.that has gotta stop but i'm averse to let it go.i like the way i am now.i'm cool with it.now is where i culd speak whad i think.i like it this way.I damn knew my words culd kill and sting sumtimes but i rather haf it that way(i guess).i want ppl to noe how i think and not guess outta my sarcastic xpression or my action.i wanna get my point straight.To witness it spitting out frm me,frm my mouth and get whad i'm trying to say.(no question ask!).that doesn't make me less insensitif towards the feelings of other.trust me it doesn't nor does it give me an xcuse to be rude and screw others.i guess it make me feel better after i get to my point and let you know whad u deserved to.this isn't something that i'm proud of nor it it something i'm willing to let others know abt me.but i can't seem to run away frm the truth.culd i??.This stupid act might have affected my love ones.Therefore this 'journal' also created as i believe wuld make me open up more and share it in general.so i've less things that's running thru my mind so it isn't 'bursting at the seams'.

To all my friends that's someway or another have been affected thru' my 'bad day'(tt wasn't jus another one to add on to my collection of 'the worst day of my life').i wuld like to apologized sincerely for whadever shit i've done.as much as i didn't regret for doing so or regret saying whad i've said.there's one thing that i did.that is to hurt you ppl that i wuldn't haf done it if i had the choice.(unless u're worthy of)then served urself!.i wuldn't 'retract' whad i said bcos i suppose each and every individual haf the right to hear a open and honest-to-goodness opinion or judgement;which wuld eventually be blurted out when we're filled with the feeling of annoyance and got those screw loose.i want to be honest of whad i feel and xpect others to be honest too.i expect nothing but integrity from you.i hope to haf said it once and not again.(i hate repeating.)if you culd jus understand my whole intention;i'll be more than grateful!..

this was posted to whom it may concern...

**

today's a lacklustre

sick and tired of sitting at home.boredom kills.gosh!.feel like getting up and jus go.go where?.i dunch know.maybe jus tired sitting at home doing nothing.mom's follow up remarks will then be..'there's thousand and one things that you can do at home.at least clean up the house.help tutor ur sister.'.it's like an everyday thing.it amaze me how she culd repeat those words over and over again without feeling tired or even bored.well..whudever.well i'm super clumsy and weak today.(wonder why).feel like getting outta here.but firstly..i got noone today.all my budds are busy.ma ladiees are having exams and am stuck!(too bad)..and secondly..i'm running otta cash and m not working..thridly is i dont know where to head on..somebody take me out!!

well certainly got that apologies frm you-know-who early this morn.didn't expect it at all.i woke up.sign in messenger.and tadda..a auto-message especially for me..sigh..well..[stop quibbling fee].well m not gonna say it's another bad hair day or i was kindda 'tiddly'.nor m i gonna start jabbering sumthing stupid and make things worst.yadda..yadda..but then was ataken by whad she says..erk!scrap that!she went out to the beach.hope whadever she did was not bcos she's under pressures frm the cause of that silly mayhem between us.(as if she's not used to it).well then again..i said and did my part.i apologies and go!

today was surpose to be my date out with danny.damn it!i got that cancel out bcos we had a lil confusion.(screw u Gina).well..maybe someotha time.(nvr go for dates ever again).forget the date.i jus hope he's olrite with things and got a clearer pic.to Gina:m not getting in ur way.i told you m not gonna fall for noone.atleast not now or anytime soon.!!get me.he ask me out and i jus said yes.m jus going for a plain date.not as if i'm saying yes to sleeping with him.ergh!stop screwing me without even asking the reason why.

hmmmm.....m seeking for freedom today.after a whole week of sacrificing my time on kids and housework.hope i culd haf a time on my own.been sleeping late and waking up early these few days.my eyeback are looking worst than ever.gosh!soon i'll look like i've been punch on both eyes.:xi need some quiet time to sleep pls. mom keeps on bugging me to wake up and spend my time wisely rather than sleep.gosh!(i've been staying up late goodness sake!dunch u get it!)hey mom...take a chill pill..and leave me alone.~

mann...life's imprefect.so much for jus half a day.

i wanna run away..nvr say goodbye

And I don't wanna fall to pieces..I just want to sit and stare at you..I don't want to talk about it..And I don't want a conversation..I just want to cry in front of you..I don't want to talk about it.

Trying hard to reach out..But when I tried to speak out.. Felt like no one could hear me.. Wanted to belong here.. But something felt so wrong here.. So I'd pray I could break away..

Had my wake up..Won't you wake up..I keep asking why..And I can't take it..I wasnn't fakin' it..

Feel like i've come to a point that i wanna travel far away.so far away frm u.get away frm u.frm u and me!!

I am lost in the see-thru again...thru'out all of this confusion

Boyfriend(s)

Dorathy asked me what the difference is between a best friend and a boyfriend. I tilted my head up and wondered for less than three seconds before responding happily, "Nothing!" She laughed but she had a thoughtful look on her face. So I gave it a proper thunking and came up with some rubbish about it coming down to feelings and how we`ll probably never able to have platonic friendships with a member of the opposite sex (I know there are gays(opss sorie sissy)and lesbians in the world so just bear with my theory oK, it`s just a light-weight load of happy-crap I use to make sense of my own life). As far as my experience goes, either I`ve fallen for the guy friends I have or they`ve liked me. Honestly speaking - I have had no exceptions. I guess we transition from friends to couple-ation when the feelings are mutual at a mutual time. (Did I just write a redundant sentence?) This rarely happens thanks to the phenomenon called idontwantotellyou and other such things. Sometimes, your feelings are just not reciprocated the way you would like. You`ll end up being good friends if you`re both good people, I suppose.(which made me start thinking abt you-know-who.)erk!

So anyway, I know who Dorathy likes. *Childish* I`m happy and weirded out that she told me. We aren`t really close yet.Not as close as she and Sissy.The difference between a boyfriend and a best friend. Question worth thinking about seeing as my boyfriend is a boy and my best friend is also a boy..
The whole point is there are differences which i guess up to each individuals.so up to you.i haf and will stick to my own.so..................

gO figure!

*fuct*

gOt screwed by both mom and dad.shuddn't haf gone back home.shudd haf stayed longer.a lil' longer maybe afew more days.at least until someone is this hell-hole(cribs) appreciate my exsistence.at least until they really came to a point where they need me.or need my help.somebody please help.when can i finally learn to xpress myself and in a appropriate and suitable way.where pple finally know and realise that they've hurt me.heck tt!

misunderstood

I think every teen feels misunderstood at a given point in their lives. I could go as far as to say that every person has felt misunderstood at least once in their lives. Yes, I anyhow whack. How you know. Which is totally not the point. This post is dedicated to my parents, friends and any other persons who know me, judge me, compare themselves to me, love me and hate me. I feel as if I should at least take a pot shot at correcting and clarifying or denying gossip and rumours surrounding my supervision-less lifestyle. My mom once said to me, a couple or more days ago that only "insecure people are defensive". I`m sure that`s partially true because sometimes, people deny things strongly in the hopes of throwing people off their true intentions. Still. Other people defend themselves hotly against anything and everything for the simple reason that they are passionate people. I`m an Aquarius. I`m nothing if not high-strung and emotional. Correction: I fluctuate madly between supreme paranoia sensitivity and total uncareness. I do not apologise in advance if I offend anyone within the duration of this post because you came here of your own accord. I write it here, publicly, because I do not intend on offending your sensibilities or insulting you by bringing up matters on which you have already decided what to believe. I write this to serve myself. You can all think what you want of me. As long as I know what I`ve done and am doing, I`ll always be just happy enough to keep living.

Most pressing; I am not stupid. Contrary to my age and gender, I am really quite wise. In fact, I`m conceited and confident enough to say that I`m wise beyond my years. I`m smarter than a lot of people I know. I`m not talking paper qualifications here. I`m talking smart in every way that really counts. Sure it`s a materialistic world out there, a consumerist society, yadda yadda. Only the best survive blah blah. But does it really matter that you`re a triple degree graduate with an abundance of career opportunities, enough assets to make your own mother sue you for cash and turn your friends green? I don`t think it matters at all if you can never stop trying to top yourself or some imaginary competitor. None of these material things matter at all if you`re forever furrowing your brow in private, worrying about your next conquest, next goal, next obstacle. I realise that my parents wish their children all the best in life - Wealth, happiness, health, a flawless reputation. Any good parent would. I too would like those things for myself. But. On my own terms. I know it`s selfish. I sometimes wish I were less of a self-centered bitch and more of a self-sacrificial daughter. Like most people, I work towards building a good life for myself, one where I am satisfied. A life that I can feel grateful for having. I don`t want to work like a dog and enjoy it when I look back on my life. I am working towards a life I can be proud of throughout every breath.

I do not want to slog it out every day of my life and never be content with what I`ve got. I realise the importance of ambition.. *Pause* I`m sorry if this disappoints you, as I`m certain it does at some level. I`m sorry if you all think it`s complacency on my part but I truly believe that people are getting much too hard to please. It`s not that I would settle for less than I deserve. I just feel that if I had the crazy amount of ambition that some of my friends possess, if I had that insatiable lust for success like some people, I would be wasting my God-given life. It isn`t that I don`t give a shit about my family name, reputation and what people think of me. I do care. It`s just that I don`t see why I should live my life for others to gaze upon and nod in approval. Why should I suffer through a life where I do everything right and scandal-free when I`m just going to end up dead, just like every other one of God`s creatures? None of these people`s judgements of me will matter when I have passed on. That is the reason why i hate to do things that ppl ask me to do.

God`s is the only opinion that will carry any weight.

Does it sound like I`m all, God and me are all that count? Well, you`re not getting my intended meaning. I care about what my loved ones think of me and I care about how my being makes them look and how it makes them feel. If you`re ashamed of me, I`m ashamed of me. Hey,listen i'm 'westernised'.(the way i dress and the way i speak)..yada yada.i lost my manners and all.i had to speak whad i think.do i?i do haf my rights do i??if i speak whad i think,that's called rude??does dat??(if it does whad the bloody heck is tt??)

I can never make everyone happy. No matter how hard I try and how perfectly I do things, there will always be someone out there that will fault me for something I probably consider nonsense. You know, I`ve ranted on for some time now and I`ve so far only covered one point and even that, partially. Let me just say that I am not stupid. What I do now, I do for good reason. "Good" is a subjective word so here goes my explaination.

Right. I`ve spent nearly two hours typing up one point out of several I had originally intended to post. I was interrupted for only about ten minutes by a phonecall from Gwen. That still makes an hour and fifty minutes of finger to keyboard. .

my o' my

'Prince' was about to walk out of the room when I called out to him. He turned to look at me, then doubled back and jumped onto my lap. Then I cuddled him in my arms whilst I printed out my papers and sorted through the mail. Later, I heard a knock on my door. I went to the loft to check if it was just my imagination, 'Prince' in tow. This is the post-worthy part. *Happy*.Kitty growled at the door (still in my arms) just before the silhouette of a man and woman became visible from the glass panelling part of the door.Ouhh it's ucu and uncle.burst out in laughter~*hurhur*..well i almost became over protective for the kitties.i'm amazed actualie.

'Prince'favourite thing to do these days is sleep right on top of my tummy. Yeah, awww so cute. His favourite place to lay his head while he`s deep asleep is my chest (where he gets to hear my heartbeats)..huakhuaks...yadda yadda~

3 days ova at neneks place.6 kiddies to take care of.least yayah's there to help but onli fer a day.poor me.well the kidds are 'OLRITE'(dey better be)actuallie..but its kindda hard to make 'em shut their eyes or get their butts down to sit quietly.erk!food was another issue.big one.Baby Ian culdn't stop crying for me to at least get the dishes ready.with night falls..finally PEACE!Peace was there when the door bell rang where all the kidds rush to the rooms(fearin mummys be back home earlie).lil' blood suckerss!!well someone gimmie a hand will u?!!erk!

i had mom screaming on the phone when i ask wther 'prince' culd follow me home..
Noo!!no kitties at home!!it's a no!no!answer.u knew it and don't bother asking'..*haha*..that was not the loudest frm mom tho'~..she ca get REAL loud.and i mean REAALLYYY loud.ahha.

well..finally..back home!finally.i culd haf sometime alone at home with maself.that's whad i njoy the most.at least be alone in my room.where i can find peace at least for a momment.and a timeout frm the hectic and messed up world outside.how lackadaisical can i get??!hmmmmmmmm....


toodles~

masquerade

wondersss of masquerade...


-- A Masquerade--
by which to hide.
They erased all evidence of Themselves from sight of the living and slowly
-- over many, many years--
They became as myths to the minds of man.
And thus concealed they have continued to grow in power
And to guide Humanity to suit their whims

peace and quiet

silence means peaceful
i got no silence
i want silence
plain silence
only silence
jus silence
silencee
silence
sile
nc
e...

ssshheeehh!

peacee...

-phie-

*miss u all*

*yawn*m gawd damned tired!didn't sleep last nite.sleep at 4am.stayed up to finish up my 'da vinci code'.sadly i didn't gte to complete it by last nite cos i end up using the phone.mike called.he sound good.(actualie more then good.)he sound great.;D.he was jus checking on me wether i was okay(i jus lurrrvvveee himm).~to much sugar for a sweet person like me.*huakshuaks*-ehem2-Talk to Mrs Evan.she said i'm her daughter.which made her my mom.*hehehhe*too good to be true!(which clearly mean i'm married to her son or i'm her god daughter).whahahaaha.she cried while talking to me.made me feel guilty tho' i clearly knew i didn't do nothing.(xcept that i'm so far away frm her which clearly i culn't avoid it).gosh!*sobs*_missing the Evans_.

Didn't even get the chance to use the computer while m awake.abg's having his xams anytime soon.and he's hacking the com craziee.now is the onli time u'll see him study like a mad doggie.erk!(luck to u).hoho.AnyhOooo..it's 3rd day or ramadan and someone has already called to get their order fr suuji cookies and cornflakes.*hahaha*.it was the Yen's familie that called.The Aussie's familie is 'ere.sab wants ma cookies.hoho..missing sabrina.(thinking of her cubbie 'fuji-apple' cheek which turn red with the hott weather here).*hahhaha*..That lil' Aussie 'chilli padi' which got her slang and make ma parent go.."uhh??aku tak paham la"..*huakshuaks*..well they are celebrating lebaran 'ere i hope.haven't see them since ages...*crossing ma fingers*

Breaking ma fast at nanny's place todae.I miss her sOOo much.haven't seen her this whole month.which i sO long.gawd!she'll screw me when i get there for not visiting her often.MY poor nenek.Alang's familie gonna be there too.seeing all ma lil' cuzzies.wheee~..hope to baby sit then again since m free!!very free.!!soo free now!!*hohoho*missing everyone!![

_single_sexy_free_]

-fie-

luna

Head spinning..
ingenious and amusing..
deliciously-mind boggling..
werld going bonkers..
fucting luna..
nutmeg u..
hah!

gibberish u!

-outs-

Ramadan..holier than holy

WELL finally!!ramadhan is here.it's a HOLY AND PEACEFUL month.a month where all muslims have to resist that temptation of eating good food.It's also the month where the people ard me stop demanding me to eat.*hahahah*..kiss ass
!i usually didn't do ma morning meal(sahur) but for the first day i'll sure be very lerthagic and tired and all so i had my half-boiled eggs and tea and "kurma" or cos and that's it for my sahur.
hoping that'll give me the energy BUT mummie 'sakit perut'..ergh!mens'y not todae!~
After saying the verses of the 'niat puasa'.went back to sleep after sahur cos it was cOoL and the sky is still dark outside.good weather to sleep.den tada.wide awake.alhamdulillah~
The house is pretty noisy right now.mom and dad doing the "spring cleaning"..(wish i do not haf to be a part of it)..actualli i am kindda 'tgh curik tulang' here..*hehehe*..yeah..hopefully i won't catch a flu..cos i've sensitive nose and i'm allergic to dust and all.erk!hate that!..well.i'm done with my room.ITS SUPERRR CLEAN NOWWW!!.maybe not that clean..but for sho' its better then before.so much betta.*huakshuaks*..i have all my mags in one place..and amazingly it's NEATLY arrange..wakaka..and all my school books in one drawer..wOw~!suddenly i'm like proud of myself..wakakkaa.i'm nvr a cleaner and neater person til today.which is the reason why i'm kindda hepi with whad i did.hey at least i clean up ma hse.
X hope this will b the best fasting month evaX
-selamat berpuasa-
amin~

salvation

Shelter me
With sweet escape
I'm looking for a place to run to
To hide inside

Silence me
Prescribe me your cancer
If I will disappear
You’ll-
Silence me
I'll welcome the virus
If you can promise this-
Dream
More doses
More screens
More vials to

Don’t bother me with details
Don’t bore me with what’s real
Distraction is all I need
All I need all I need to shelter me


**
Was it something I did?
Was it something You said?
Don't leave me hanging
In a city so dead
Held up up so high
On such a breakable thread

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be


It's nice to know you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

**

hard times..
harder on me

syukur-

had my prayers first..now i wanna eat.makan.makan.eat.eat.hungry.hungry.alhamdulilah..i pull thru' the ferst day of puaser with great peserverance and patience and manage to maintain the peace within my soul.

*thx u god...smOoochieess baybeh

Less half hr more before i break ma fast.the table.full of food.gosh!amazingly my tummie ain't grumbling asking for food.today puasa is relaxed and peaceful.which it kindda cool.alhamdulliah~.done with help mom get the tables done.well,m not anxious or xcited abt breaking the fast.dunch noe why i ain't feeling it.(ouhh god blessed and help ur child 'ere).hope tmr wuld be better..looking forward for the whole of the ramadan.not going for the tarawih today.i guess not.jus dun feel like going.anyhOoo..my mind is kindda pissed.i gotta complete my prayers on time without being told today.*wheee~..rite..
anyway..jus watch gwen's new vid.-what are you waiting for.kindda cool.it's like giving moi a headache.*hhehe*.i like her baju and all.that mammi is sophisticated and full of power.i love her style tho'.very unique and has high sense of fashion.

Now waiting for 'azan'..and i'll get my peace.

-phiee-

Hold on
Hold on to yourself
For this is gonna hurt like hell
Hold on
Hold on to yourself
You know that only time will tell
What is it in me that refuses to believe
This isn't easier than the real thing

*yawn* take me away

sleepyhead..ARGH!
hateitwhensomeonedisturbmysleep.hateitwhensomeoneyelledatmewhenimasleep.hateitwhensomeoneannoymewheniminmadeepsleep.

shudd d hell up will u??!!

Try to tell me what I shouldn't do You should know by now,I won't listen to you Cause I don't care!!

Cause I'm alright, I'm fine

Just freak out,let it go I'm gonna live my life I can't ever run and hide I won't compromise Cause I'll never know I'm gonna close my eyes I can't watch the time go by I won't keep it inside!!

s.i.l.e.n.c.e

Give me release
witness meI am outside
give me peace

Heaven holds a sense of wonder
and I wanted to believet
hat I'd get caught up
when the rage in me subsides

Passion choke the flower
'til she cries no more
possessing all the beauty
hungry still for more

m simply sinking in silence...~life empty.
hoping something wuld fill this empty heart..
empty soul..

pic

me..in d train on the waee hm..(hey look out fr tt ring)..whee!