I've been feeling a tinge of environmental guilt since my recent outburst on facebook about the well-intentioned "turn off the lights" world effort to symbolically turn back global warming. I turned on all the lights in the house AND the barns including all the spot lights. I have sinned - I don't know who I can turn to for the sweet solace of global forgiveness - so I'll consider what the USDA and the EPA are considering....
In their righteous efforts to curb harmful greenhouse gas emissions from our eeeeevil capitalist nation - the USDA has encouraged the EPA to levy a tax on the cattle industry for methane emissions.
Now, to the uncircumsized and gentiles of the environmental religion, this would seem absurd - but to the prophets of green, this idea is good enough for a stone tablet! Let us examine the carnal and wicked lifestyle choices of cattle to understand why they are the target of this righteous indignation:
Cows eat a lot.
Cows do not excersise.
Cows are fat and fleshy.
Cows are conservative - they chew their cud several times and are not wasteful.
and of course - Cows emit large amounts of methane due to FLATULENCE and ERUCTATION (burping).
Since most lost souls have not embraced the culinary delights of soy burgers, soy milk, or even tofu - cattle will continue to be exploited for their tasty beef and refreshing milk. The by-product of these food staples for the gentile population is such a large amount of methane that our earth cannot handle the stench of it all!
I have to confess that in my personal pursuit for environmental excellence, I fall far short of perfection in the areas of Flatulence and Eructation - excuse me! I am only human!
Here is the great Cattle Compromise:
I propose that as a methane offset to the abundant supply of gas that my cattle are sure to produce, I will no longer consume the following items:
refried beans, cabbage, water, brocolli, chili, sauer kraut, Despo's (maybe), oatmeal, fritos, granola products, milk, cheese (especially processed cheese), diet coke, celery, bread, dog food, M&M's, jerky, cherry pie, apple juice, cheese burgers, corn, french fries, tater tots, onions, baked beans, fruit cake, smoked oisters, mutton, fry bread and jelly beans.
It is my sincere hope that through this compromise, our cattle may freely emit methane knowing that I am their voluntary offset. I am sure they will graze, chew, fart and poop much more eco-consciously knowing that I am an offset to this natural occurence.
I'm sure Jelina will be very excited about this as well.......
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
March Madness Bailout
Why is March Madness for the NCAA basketball tournament soo popular in the ratings for people like me who have not watched a single solitary minute of college basketball all season until now? Perhaps it is the raw competition without the slightest interference from polls or computers generating results - the results are for the players to determine. They have their fate in their shoes when they take the court and they know it! It is the love of the game that I respect in these incredible athletes and honest results.
For this year's NCAA basketball tournament - I filled out the compulsory tournament bracket in about 20 seconds (thanks for making it easy, Jake). I don't remember many of my picks other than BYU was a definite loser to Texas A&M. At the end of the first few days - to my horror and dismay all Utah teams (BYU, UofU, and Utah State) lost in the first round. This is completely unacceptable and devastating to Utah basketball . The unfairness of it all settled in and I am very angry. Why should one state be singled out with such a dismal appearance at the big dance with 100% losses while other teams like Duke and North Carolina continue to win every year? I thought sports were supposed to be fair? This is nothing more than basketball greed and corruption at the highest rim. I demand that Obama step in here and re-instate Utah State University to the tournament IMMEDIATELY. They only lost by one point and this should be considered a win for them considering that they played sooo hard. This is a crisis and if something isn't done immediately, the results to Logan Utah's already fragile self image is at risk of catastrophe. What else is in Logan besides Utah State University? It just isn't fair.
I feel compelled to petition Barrack Obama - for a bailout of Aggie Basketball. Here are my demands:
1. Reinstate Utah State into the tournament immediately by kicking out Duke or North Carolina - they have both had their fair share of wins in the past and do not NEED another one! They'll be fine without another win in the tournament. Utah State deserves it more!
2. For the first 20 minutes of the remaining games, all the points scored by Utah State's opponents will be given to Utah State to guarantee that the tournament is fairly looked after in terms of points earned.
3. For all other teams who score 100 points or more - they will be summarily kicked out of the tournament for excessive greed in point earnings.
4. Any players who score above 10 points will need to share all future points and statistics with the towel boy and bench warmers who never have the chance of playing in the game.
5. All referees will be allowed to change scores and make up new fouls when fouls do not exist in the NCAA rule books just to punish a winning team or keep a losing team in the game.
a. A new foul will be instituted: when a ball hits "nothin' but net" the points will be given to the other team b/c no one should be allowed to exhibit such perfection in this sport.
6. All fans must pay twice the normal tickets costs because teams like Utah State need hotel and food money to continue their losing pursuit of perfection.
7. All players who feel at any time that the stress of the game is just too much to bear can hold up a red card (issued to all) and ask for 'a personal reflection time out' - time to catch their breath - time to calm down - time to get their head back in the game - time to give hugs to the other team and apologize for any fouls they have committed or even thought about committing.
8. At the conclusion of the game, the opponent with the fewest points may still win depending upon an open ballot system of voting among the fans. This will be perfectly fair and transparent. Second chances are needed when a team like Utah State only loses by one measley point. Why should one point separate winners from losers.
If the NCAA were run like Obama's administration aims to run our country - there would be equality and fairness for all in the tournament. The dirtly little secret about Obama's dangerous ideas are that the equity and fairness they are pursuing is this: all will be equally miserable.
Sorry Duke and North Carolina - you don't need any more wins - it's time to get out of the way and share the tournament with Utah State University.
If you think this is absurd - what I am demanding, consider how the tournament is a raw exhibition of talent, hard work and competition! That's what I remember about America! Any time the government tries to fix something - it makes it worse. Thank goodness the government hasn't messed up the NCAA basketball tournament yet.
For this year's NCAA basketball tournament - I filled out the compulsory tournament bracket in about 20 seconds (thanks for making it easy, Jake). I don't remember many of my picks other than BYU was a definite loser to Texas A&M. At the end of the first few days - to my horror and dismay all Utah teams (BYU, UofU, and Utah State) lost in the first round. This is completely unacceptable and devastating to Utah basketball . The unfairness of it all settled in and I am very angry. Why should one state be singled out with such a dismal appearance at the big dance with 100% losses while other teams like Duke and North Carolina continue to win every year? I thought sports were supposed to be fair? This is nothing more than basketball greed and corruption at the highest rim. I demand that Obama step in here and re-instate Utah State University to the tournament IMMEDIATELY. They only lost by one point and this should be considered a win for them considering that they played sooo hard. This is a crisis and if something isn't done immediately, the results to Logan Utah's already fragile self image is at risk of catastrophe. What else is in Logan besides Utah State University? It just isn't fair.
I feel compelled to petition Barrack Obama - for a bailout of Aggie Basketball. Here are my demands:
1. Reinstate Utah State into the tournament immediately by kicking out Duke or North Carolina - they have both had their fair share of wins in the past and do not NEED another one! They'll be fine without another win in the tournament. Utah State deserves it more!
2. For the first 20 minutes of the remaining games, all the points scored by Utah State's opponents will be given to Utah State to guarantee that the tournament is fairly looked after in terms of points earned.
3. For all other teams who score 100 points or more - they will be summarily kicked out of the tournament for excessive greed in point earnings.
4. Any players who score above 10 points will need to share all future points and statistics with the towel boy and bench warmers who never have the chance of playing in the game.
5. All referees will be allowed to change scores and make up new fouls when fouls do not exist in the NCAA rule books just to punish a winning team or keep a losing team in the game.
a. A new foul will be instituted: when a ball hits "nothin' but net" the points will be given to the other team b/c no one should be allowed to exhibit such perfection in this sport.
6. All fans must pay twice the normal tickets costs because teams like Utah State need hotel and food money to continue their losing pursuit of perfection.
7. All players who feel at any time that the stress of the game is just too much to bear can hold up a red card (issued to all) and ask for 'a personal reflection time out' - time to catch their breath - time to calm down - time to get their head back in the game - time to give hugs to the other team and apologize for any fouls they have committed or even thought about committing.
8. At the conclusion of the game, the opponent with the fewest points may still win depending upon an open ballot system of voting among the fans. This will be perfectly fair and transparent. Second chances are needed when a team like Utah State only loses by one measley point. Why should one point separate winners from losers.
If the NCAA were run like Obama's administration aims to run our country - there would be equality and fairness for all in the tournament. The dirtly little secret about Obama's dangerous ideas are that the equity and fairness they are pursuing is this: all will be equally miserable.
Sorry Duke and North Carolina - you don't need any more wins - it's time to get out of the way and share the tournament with Utah State University.
If you think this is absurd - what I am demanding, consider how the tournament is a raw exhibition of talent, hard work and competition! That's what I remember about America! Any time the government tries to fix something - it makes it worse. Thank goodness the government hasn't messed up the NCAA basketball tournament yet.
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