Transfer Day!

May 2, Day 0: It's transfer day and I can't seem to stop crying. It doesn't help that it doesn't actually happen until 12:30 and I'm freaking the heck out. Like seriously, crying all morning. You get the picture #nomascaratoday. It was like the last year and a half had led up to this day. Like my whole life had led up to this day, a day when our lives could change forever. Not just my life, but Peter's life. And Weston's life, and Nathan's life. Today could affect eternity.
And since everybody asks, we only transferred one embryo. I'm pretty sure twins might send me to the crazy bin.
I woke up and took my pills/shot as usual and ran a few errands while my friend took the kids which was nice to clear my mind. at precisely 11:15, I was to empty my bladder and drink 32 oz of water in 15 minutes so I could have a full bladder for the transfer. I guess it makes it easier to see on the ultrasound or something. So we get to the office at 11:45 and get all checked in. We had to wear these ridiculous gowns and Peter looked like he was straight out of ET. Then we waited. And waited. And waited which seemed like forever because I had to freaking pee! Anyway, the embryologist finally came in and brought me the most beautiful picture of my little embryo. They thawed it at 8:30 that morning, just a few hours prior to me coming in! When they freeze, they shrink and when they thaw, they  expand again which is why it looks like there's an outer circle-that's where it was prior to the thaw. All the little cells around the circle will become (hopefully) the placenta and the little cluster of cells is it. My baby. And my heart stops every time I think about it. She said it was a grade A/A and looks perfect. Maybe it was just the valium that they gave me, but I was really calm once I was holding a picture of my little embryo.

When they finally rolled me back, it took all of 3 minutes, if not less, for it to be done. They showed me a live picture of it and it was already hatching out which means it was ready to implant and was great news! She pulled up my uterus on the ultrasound and we could watch as Dr. Barnett put it in. Just like that, it was done. And of course I was crying because this is a freaking miracle, people! We created a baby with science (and God, I know that ultimately, He is the Great Creator). They wheeled me back, I went to the bathroom (finally!), and went home on modified bedrest for the rest of the day. I was pretty calm all day because I really am confident that it will all work out.

Day 5: I've been calm the last four days, I know it worked. I just know it. And if it didn't, I'm going to be completely devastated, but, that won't happen. Tonight, I started freaking out. Like what if it doesn't work? What if I have to do it again?! What if it does work out, then my life is going to change forever! This is why I am blogging at midnight, because if I don't get it out this way, it will come out in tears. Also, these freaking progesterone injections are killing me. Like my hips hurt so bad, it hurts to walk fast, it hurts to drive, and it hurts to lay down on my right side. My right hip is numb for about 12 inches down my leg which is a bit worrisome, but I think it may have also happened with Weston? Like, I can touch it and not feel a thing. And it hurts all around it. It's awful. and my hips are all bruised up from injections that every new injections is just more and more painful. But this just means that we're one step closer to our baby. I know there's one waiting up there to come to our family, and I'm putting in the work to get him/her here.
So far, I feel a lot of love. I have so much support from my family and closest friends. I get texts all the time asking how I'm doing and I feel like my burden is lightened with each one. And I feel love for the two perfect children that I have here and what a miracle each one of them is. I feel love for my wonderful husband who loves me and takes care of me and goes through these ups and downs with me. I feel love for the unborn baby that will be part of our family one day. Lastly, I feel love from my Savior and Father in Heaven. I know that they are aware of me. I know that they feel my heartache through this and have lifted that burden as I turn to them in my times of sorry. Before Weston, I felt alone, but this time, I've allowed myself to feel love, and for that I am grateful.
Day 9: Testing day. I never test before they blood test. I'm too afraid. What if it is positive but then I test at the doctor and it's not a high enough number or it was only positive because of all the hormones I've been taking? What if it is negative and I cry for the next couple of days but the blood test confirms a positive and all that crying was for nothing? So I wait until the blood test in the morning and the call that afternoon.  When I saw Dr. Barnett's name on my phone, I called Peter in from the other room and put it on speaker. The nurse was so happy sounding and just said, "I have really great news, your're pregnant!" and I couldn't even talk. I didn't know what to expect, but I just started crying. She told us to come in again on Monday to test again and make sure my beta numbers were increasing, but they wanted a number over 50 and mine was 249 which was so hopeful.
I thought it would be different this time for some reason. Like somehow less exciting because I have two wonderful kids, but it's not. The trial was just as hard and the reward just as sweet as it was the very first time. Struggling with infertility after kids is not easier than before kids, just different. I have felt so much of my Savior's love and am grateful for the Atonement because it filled parts of my soul that had felt so empty. I know this is not the last trial I will face, but I know that it has made me stronger and brought me closer to my Heavenly Father.

IVF round 2

After having Nathan, we decided to wait a couple years to try for another baby. It was a blissful two years. We had two perfect children and no thought at all about infertility. After trying for about eight months, I was ready to go see Dr. Barnett again, but Peter wanted to wait a full year just to make sure so that's what we did. He very rarely has a strong opinion on these matters, so when he did, I was going to be supportive because I would want him to be supportive of my strong opinions. After a bit of praying, we both felt like we should to two IUIs, then move forward with IVF if it came to that.

After two failed IUIs, we decided to move forward to do IVF. We started in the middle of January and had to go on birth control for a while to regulate my cycle. During the birth control, I went in for a sonogram to get a resting picture of what my ovaries looked like. There were over 40 visible resting follicles so they decided to keep me on the birth control to suppress me for another week. I finally was able to go off of the birth control which meant that I could start my injections the next Sunday. I got a huge box in the mail containing my menopur and gonal-f which would be my injections I would take every evening for the next ten(ish)days. While taking the injections, I actually felt fine. No real side effects besides some headaches and some uncomfortable bloating toward the end, but nothing too serious. They were afraid I would overstimulate based on the number of eggs I got with Weston so they slowed me way down and lowered my medications so I was actually taking the injections for more like 14 days and my eggs were barely growing. I was going in for sonograms every other day then every other day to track the progress. Instead of my eggs growing in size, they were growing in number. Follicles over 10 mm are considered in a growth phase and follicles over 15mm are considered mature and it took a long time to get enough over 15mm.
It finally came time to do the trigger shot. We had to do it at 8:00 pm Wednesday evening so the retrieval could happen at 8:00 am Friday morning. It's crazy how specific I had to be the entire time with my medications, but I'm glad that we have the science. Lucky for me, my parents are pretty awesome and took the kids Thursday night to spend the night since we had to be at the facility early Friday morning. We got there at 7:15 and they took me back to the room and set me up on an IV. Oh yeah, and we had to pay our life away when we checked in. Once the anesthesiologist came in and talked to me, we were ready to go back. I don't know what it was, but I just started crying and couldn't stop. I was nervous and excited and anxious. And it was a big day. Like this was my day to see what my body could do. And I was super hormonal. As soon as I got back to the table, I remember the anesthesiologist asking if I felt the medication, and then I was out like a light. Next thing I knew, I was back in the recovery room. I started to wake up and Peter told me that they got 38 eggs. THIRTY EIGHT! When I was waking up from anesthesia, apparently, I said "that's way more than with Weston, suck it Weston!" haha. I also supposedly told the nurse that I did my job and for $10,000, Dr. Barnett better do his job now. I guess I get feisty after anesthesia. Once I was more awake, they said they did another count and had actually gotten 47 eggs! That's seriously crazy but I'm proud of what my body did. The rest of the day I felt nauseous and crappy from the anesthesia and pretty much slept all day.
Day 1: The day after the retrieval, I went to get pedicures in the morning for my friend's birthday and was feeling ok, but not great. I started feeling crappy Saturday evening and my belly started getting really swollen and uncomfortable. They started me on a medication to regulate my hormones because I produced so many eggs. We did get good news though when they called me and said that of the 47 eggs, 42 were mature and all of them were inseminated! All of them!
Day 2: I felt awful. Like terrible. I stayed home from church and slept all day long. After church, we drove to my parents house and I felt like I wanted to die. The nausea came and went, but at one point, I had to run to the bathroom and puke my guts up. It was horrible but I did feel a little better afterwards. I started progesterone today.
Day 3: They called me to tell me that 25 embryos were growing and 2 of them were still surviving, but not growing as fast. They told me that with so many, we would probably have a lot to freeze and to start thinking about our options for freezing more than the 10 that are covered under the initial price. They also asked me how I was doing and when I told them I was feeling crappy, they told me to come in and they would check me out.
Day 4: I met with Dr. Barnett for a physical exam and he said that I did have a mild case of OHSS so they hooked me up to an IV because pretty much the only thing that can make me feel better is hydrating. They also gave me a nausea patch that would last for three days. I didn't feel much better the rest of the day and I spent the day in bed and wanted to die. If this is mild, I don't want to know what severe OHSS is like.
Day 5: I finally woke up feeling better. Not 100%, but much better than I was. They called me and said that we had 8 embryos to freeze! There were still more growing, but since we had so many that were excellent quality, they decided to freeze them and move forward with a frozen transfer. I knew it was coming, but it was still hard news. A frozen transfer would mean waiting another couple months to transfer the embryo, but it would also give my body time to get back to normal so my hormones could regulate themselves. It would mean higher chances of it taking, but waiting at this point feels like forever when this has been going on for so long already.
Day 6: They called and told me that we had ten more embryos that were excellent grade to freeze. Holy crap, I was not expecting this. We needed to decide what to do about the rest of the eggs in the next half hour if we wanted to save them. Talk about a big decision with very little time. So we put a movie on for the kids and went upstairs to pray and talk about our decision. The choices were to donate any extra embryos to another couple, donate them to science, or pay to freeze them. After talking to the embryologist again, we decided to freeze a total of 12 embryos which is still a little surreal.
So now, I'm finally feeling better and we have 12 little frozen embryos waiting for us. We have to wait two cycles so that my hormones can regulate then we will do a transfer. I am still anxious and randomly cry because of the anticipation of how it will all go, but I'm also happy with what I've done the last couple of months. I'm strong and I've been strengthened through my Savior. I've felt His love through this entire process and I'm grateful for the Atonement that can heal my broken heart even while going through this trial. Last time, I felt like my life was at a halt. Like I couldn't function, but this time I feel like this doesn't define me. I'm a good mom and I will have more kids, I just have to work harder to get them here.

Chicago

For our 10 year anniversary, I got Peter tickets for Pearl Jam in Chicago in August. We took a three day trip and it was just perfect. We had perfect weather and so much fun, just the two of us. 

We pretty much ate our way through our first day and it was awesome. My favorite thing was Chicago style popcorn. Heavenly. 

Lunch at Eataly

Gluten Hell

Lactose intolerance hell

Chicago River Cruise

Dinner at the John Hancock tower may be the best view I've ever seen

Most underrated building in the city. It was the old library and the entire thing was tiled like this. 

 And now for the finale, PEARL JAM!

 Breakfast at the Yolk the next day was probably the best breakfast I've ever had.

 Meanwhile, the kids were having a blast with my parents. I always brag about how blessed I am to have such wonderful parents who take my kids and allow us to spend time together. Not only do they take care of them, they give them a weekend to remember. My boys love their grandparents!

Mother's Day

When you have 9 am church, Mother's Day is kind of crazy. After I showered and did my hair, I was told to jump back in bed for breakfast 😆. 

My boys made me a gluten free pancake, eggs, an orange, and DR PEPPER. I seriously had to laugh. I do love my DP, but having it at 7:30 am was thoughtful but funny. 

After I forced my kids to wear bow ties then bribed them with some of my new Mother's Day candy, I finally got my annual picture. 

After a nap and some reading time, we headed to my parents house for some steak and potatoes. We spent the rest of the evening doing karaoke and hanging out. It was a nice relaxing day. 

These two little kiddos of mine are my world. I have a beautiful life, but I would give everything up for them. They stretch me to become more patient, forgiving, funny, light hearted, and kind. I am a little more like my savior because of them. I hope they feel my unconditional love every day because that's all I can give them. 

A few years back, lads.org put out a Mother's Day video and t said, "she taught me to love others, love myself, and love God". I feel like that is exactly what my mom did for me. She's an awesome mom and a wonderful grandma to my boys. Happy Mother's Day to all the moms in my life!

Fire station #4

The My awesome friend Angela set up a visit with some friends to go to the fire station and the boys were in heaven. We climbed in the truck

One of the firemen put on his gear for the kids

And we ate cookies. 

Nathan would point to every fireman and yell "FIREMAN FIREMAN FIREMAN!" Even if we were standing right next to them. Then he gave them high fives and all was right in his life. 

It was so fun and my kids were so into it. They're the best. 

Utah trip

We've been really excited to take a trip out to Utah since we hadn't been out there in three years. Peter's cousin Richard lived with us this summer and he basically became part of our family so when he told us he was getting married, we knew we were going to go. The kids were great on the plane and we were excited to finally get there!

Lucky for us, we were able to stay with Aunt Caroline and the boys loved it. 

So have you heard of Swig? I had only seen swig cookie recipes on Pinterest and I decided to give them a try. Nobody told me they sell Dirty DPs there. I may have gotten more than one...

We met up with Peter's sisters and mom for lunch at Cafe Rio on Friday and it was so fun to all be together (minus Paul who was working).

After lunch, Grandma Updike watched the boys while we surprised Peter's dad. April 25 is his 70th birthday and he didn't know any of us were coming out to Utah. He agreed to attend the temple with Caroline on Friday (along with Janet), so when he walked in the temple, he saw all of his living children there. It was probably the best surprise I've every been a part of. He couldn't stop crying and we all felt the presence of Peter's other siblings while we were all together in the temple. It was the first time ever that everybody was able to be in the temple at the same time and we all worked hard to make it happen. He said it was the best surprise he could think of. 

We picked up the boys and went to dinner at Tucano's Brazilian restaurant and ate our little hearts out. Our boys loved it. Like, I'm pretty sure they each ate more meat than I did.

That evening, we all spent time laughing and talking. We presented John with a book containing testimonies from all of us, including his grandchildren. 

It was so fun to plan and pull this off. He's a great man and has a great family. 

The next day was Richard and Kelsey's wedding day. We started out with a family breakfast and lunch at Cafe Rio. Yes, again. They had an afternoon wedding at the Provo City Center temple which was beautiful. It was great to go to the temple twice in two days, I don't think that I've ever done that before. They had a ring ceremony and a super fun reception. Weston even showed off a new dance move where he lays on his stomach and spins in circles :). We got to catch up with lots of cousins and aunts/uncles at the reception and danced the night away. 

We love Richard and we love Kelsey too. They're a great couple and even better, they're moving to Dallas!

And how cute are my boys is suits?!

It was a fun, crazy, busy weekend, but it was really awesome. So much family and fun. Goodbye for now, Utah.