As our Memories fade Away

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Yesterday, coach mentioned my jumps improved alittle. Finally some positive feedback that keep me going! (: JIAYOU PEIGIN!
anywayyyy, i think is OVER. somehow at the rate that you invaded my dreams, it really scares me. As much as I wanted to, it is Beyond what I can cope because is not reciprocal. perhaps it's time to wake up from my IDEAL. GOODBYE!

a shooting star flew past at
9:06 AM

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

last night i was really emo. I cant believe I actually started to cry when I think through it. I was saying some hope will help and found it, which made me feel better. I was reading a card this morning, which i happen to chance upon or I may have been seeking it on purpose. It gives me the encouragement I am looking for. It told me not to give up and work harder when I am back.
For it, I am thankful, really. It made me hold up and tell myself to give it a try.

I was actually talking about polevaulting. I think polevault is like my boyfriend. we have dated for almost 3 years. my poles has been through ups and downs with me, break some in between. But the passion is always strong. I wonder why now, i feel that it is getting a little distant, perhaps the 10months is responsible for it. I tried but I know I have to work really hard for this whole thing to work out. My passion is still the same but physically and mentally, I am starting to doubt our r/s. this 10 months let me know that we are perhaps not compatible. Is hard to really have to think through all these and come out with an option to break or stay. My heart wish to stay, but this time i have to be realistic.

That is why I decided to give myself to till the end of the year to decide. When that day comes, I hope I can make the decision to stay. If the other hand proves to be true, no matter how heart-breaking, i still have to go, I should not be so selfish and waste our time.

Do you think I should stay or go?

a shooting star flew past at
10:12 PM

Monday, July 18, 2011

A lot of things are going through in my head. A lot of questions I am asking myself. Are all the things and sacrifices worth it? Will i see the light some time soon or am i just trying to live in denial. Perhaps I am not up to it but I really want to prove that I can do better than that. What should I do to feel better? I hate this. A feeling of losing control and yet I know I can be in control. Time is limited now. What will happen after that? can anyone give me an answer? I dont feel like talking tonight. I dont feel like being in the atmosphere. I dont want to feel lousy. I am really trying. Maybe not hard enough. I am feeling low now. I just want to let it out. I just want to tell myself I am capable. I just want to tell myself, I am only responsible for myself not others. I do not have to think of what people think of me, I really dont want.

I dont want to make you think that you are wasting your time. I want to make you proud of me too. 10 months of forgetting, will I be better off learning again?

Perhaps by the end of the year, if nothings work, I should really reconsider. I hate to give up, but I hate to know that we have both wasted time.

Some form of hope will help.

a shooting star flew past at
10:32 PM

Monday, July 11, 2011

i am back home, singapore after a good 10 months. Trying to fill in the gaps. Like what jm and I were thinking, when we look back, it seems like the things we can relate to is what happened 10months ago here. It seems like ytd yet at the same time, indeed 10 months have past.

wonder what 10 months can do to a person. what about those who leave for a even longer period of time?

went back for training, i know there is a lot of things i need to do to catch up. the team has increased in size. some new faces and some good old faces. I wonder how long more can I commit. I wanted to try my best but somehow I can feel that there is some doubt in some people and I even start to doubt myself. am I deluding myself? I just have to keep going and try. If i dont try, i will never know.

10 months. i thot i could also set my mind right, but i have lost the opportunity during the 10 months. on the other hand, it was good to see what was going on. a side I never knew but pleased to know. my first instinct was right and it was still right. I wish to use the time I have now to show and place a bet. A chance.

a shooting star flew past at
9:45 PM